1000 Ways to Die 1x6

1. Did you know death is like a

2. really bad cold?

3. There's no known cure,

4. That's bad news for the girl

5. with the long, long legs,

6. Or the guy who tried to

7. recycle...

8. himself,

9. And the escaped prisoner who

10. wound up beached and leeched,

11. Then there's the guy with the

12. snake up his Butt,

13. And the fish story that'll leave

14. you gagging,

15. Take two aspirin and call me in

16. the morning,

17. It's the next episode of

18. 1,000 ways to die,

19. Death is everywhere,

20. Most of us try to avoid it,

21. others can't get out of its way,

22. Every day we fight a new war

23. against germs, toxins, injury,

24. illness, and catastrophe,

25. There's a lot of ways to wind up

26. dead,

27. The fact that we survive at all

28. is a Miracle,

29. Because every day we live, we

30. face 1,000 ways to die,

31. Tracy was getting ready for

32. another honest Night's work,

33. As a las vegas showgirl, her

34. long, shapely legs were her meal

35. ticket,

36. Working all night and sleeping

37. most of the day didn't leave

38. much time for mundane tasks like

39. shopping,

40. Ow,

41. Oh,

42. When Tracy cut herself with

43. an old, Rusty razor blade, her

44. death clock started ticking,

45. The blade that cut her skin had

46. a nasty bacteria on it called

47. group a strep,

48. It's the same kind of

49. bacteria, streptococcus, that

50. causes a strep throat,

51. But there are certain strains

52. that have a particular toxin

53. that makes them more prone to

54. causing these necrotizing

55. infections,

56. A "necrotizing infection" is

57. just a fancy way to say

58. "flesh-Eating disease,"

59. And a few days later, Tracy got

60. a rude awakening,

61. Oh, my god,

62. Oh, my face!

63. Holy crap,

64. This particular bacteria can

65. progress very quickly,

66. It can happen over a matter of

67. hours,

68. You can go from being perfectly

69. healthy to having a

70. limb-Threatening or even

71. life-Threatening infection,

72. The bacteria traveled through

73. her body and wound up breaking

74. through a pimple, and eating its

75. way across her face,

76. By the time Tracy wound up in

77. the hospital it was too late,

78. The infection had spread

79. throughout her body, causing

80. septic shock,

81. In a city that never sleeps,

82. Tracy the leggy showgirl went

83. lights out,

84. Jake believed that any day now

85. humanity would be wiped out in

86. some cataclysmic event,

87. He was determined to survive,

88. come hell or high water,

89. Living off the grid, alone and

90. isolated, Jake spent every

91. waking hour in a state of

92. paranoia,

93. He patrolled his land for any

94. intruder who might threaten his

95. space,

96. It was a job that required

97. constant vigilance,

98. While draining the snake in his

99. hand, Jake failed to see the one

100. in the bush,

101. Like a devil in disguise, a

102. six-Foot speckled King Snake

103. went straight for Jake's rifle,

104. Snakes'll often find

105. someplace warm to help heat

106. their body up,

107. And, uh, that way they can

108. digest their food,

109. Snakes don't make their own heat

110. inside, so they need to get

111. outside heat,

112. The snake wrapped itself

113. around the Butt of Jake's gun

114. and through the trigger loop as

115. Jake made sure not to let the

116. last drops go down his pants,

117. Those few extra Shakes would

118. prove fateful,

119. Uh!

120. Maybe the snake got spooked

121. by Jake and tensed up around the

122. trigger,

123. Maybe the snake was sent to

124. deliver a message,

125. But what's clear is the snake

126. managed to pull the trigger

127. right when the gun was pointed

128. at Jake's heart,

129. Snakes definitely like to

130. kinda wiggle into tight places,

131. and it may have just been

132. wrapped around the, uh, trigger

133. of the gun,

134. The bullet blasted a

135. four-Inch hole into Jake's

136. breast bone, piercing his heart,

137. Death was instantaneous,

138. In the end, Jake successfully

139. avoided the apocalypse by

140. Permanently isolating himself

141. from humanity,

142. But he never learned that if the

143. barbarians at the gate don't get

144. ya, the snake in the grass will,

145. Next up...

146. Escaped female prisoner learns

147. the hard way... Leeches suck,

148. Then, a mentally challenged

149. thief takes himself out with the

150. trash,

151. Carmen is a very bad girl,

152. A notorious crystal meth dealer

153. and convicted murderer, she was

154. sent to a texas prison with no

155. chance of parole,

156. She decided to take her own

157. chances, and busted out,

158. If she could make it across the

159. border into mexico, she'd be

160. home free,

161. But that was a long shot,

162. And the prison guards chasing

163. her were very good shots,

164. With no place left to run, she

165. hit the ice-Cold water,

166. But without knowing it, Carmen

167. had jumped out of the frying pan

168. and into the fire... Straight into

169. the clutches of a hidden enemy,

170. Leeches,

171. If you're... Like, for this

172. prisoner who's running through

173. the... the swamp, it's the perfect

174. place,

175. They're ambushers, they can

176. smell and feel the body heat,

177. and it's lunch,

178. And they'll swim very fast and

179. attach themselves almost

180. immediately, and within three

181. seconds they're drawing blood,

182. The lake was a chilly 55

183. degrees,

184. A half an hour would send Carmen

185. into a state of hypothermia,

186. A minute turned to ten, while

187. the sharpshooters carefully

188. scanned the area,

189. Carmen's breathing became quick

190. and shallow,

191. Her blood vessels constricted,

192. and her limbs became numb,

193. It was the perfect cover for the

194. leeches, who are made to suck

195. blood undetected,

196. They have an anticoagulant in

197. the saliva, and also a pain

198. killer, so you don't feel them

199. attaching, and you don't feel

200. the blood flowing,

201. So even when the Leech is full...

202. I would say 10 to 15 to 20 ccs

203. of blood, it falls off, you're

204. still going to Leak another five

205. to ten ccs of blood,

206. They'll literally drain you out

207. of blood,

208. After 45 minutes, Carmen was

209. finally able to crawl out of the

210. water,

211. Soon she'd be safe in Mexico,

212. mixing up new batches of devil's

213. brew... Methamphetamine,

214. But Carmen's Karma is about to

215. bite back,

216. She's so drained of blood from

217. the leeches feeding on her body,

218. she's too weak to move,

219. If she doesn't die from a

220. lack of blood or loss of blood,

221. she would die of exposure,

222. Too weak,

223. Couldn't even call for help

224. eventually, she'd just die of

225. exposure and she'd become a...

226. Basically a blowfly picnic,

227. wouldn't she?

228. Griff's an urban

229. Hunter-Gatherer,

230. The kind who mostly gathers

231. other peoples' stuff,

232. Knowing the security guard is on

233. his fourth coffee break, it was

234. time for griff to strike,

235. But even a rent-a-Cop can

236. sometimes stumble onto a perp,

237. Hey!

238. Hey!

239. Are you kidding me, man?

240. C'mere!

241. Hey!

242. C'mere!

243. Sometimes a desperate

244. dumpster dive is the only way

245. out,

246. Hidden underneath yesterday's

247. lunch, griff has once again

248. eluded the man,

249. But not the machine,

250. While he was getting cozy with

251. the cockroaches, fate turned his

252. world upside-Down,

253. Aah!

254. Hey!

255. Aah!

256. Falling on his head has left

257. griff groggy and disoriented,

258. A second load pins him down,

259. compactors create about

260. 64,000 pounds or 32 tons of

261. pressure to crunch and collapse,

262. uh, debris,

263. the first thing that happens

264. is that you can't breathe

265. because the external forces

266. disallow expansion of the chest,

267. once in the clutches of the

268. compactor, griff's bones will

269. start snapping one-By-One,

270. Eventually his vital organs will

271. burst from the severe pressure,

272. Ostensibly there's

273. disintegration of every known

274. structure in the human body,

275. Aah!

276. If he's lucky, he'll have

277. lost consciousness by then,

278. By the time they finally

279. discovered what was left of his

280. body, it probably would just be

281. mopped up with a sponge,

282. There you go,

283. A new way to reform a criminal,

284. Come to mama!

285. Coming up...

286. a fish tale that's hard to

287. swallow,

288. and...

289. what are you doing?

290. An ex-Con sticks it where the

291. sun don't shine, and doesn't

292. live to regret it,

293. what's the matter with you?

294. Ah, the great outdoors,

295. Where else can you enjoy a hot

296. Chick and a pole without blowing

297. your paycheck?

298. Kathy is every outdoorsman's

299. dream... a super sexy, pint-Sized

300. Daisy Duke who digs fishing,

301. Any guy would love to pull this

302. Spinner out of their tackle box,

303. Come to mama,

304. The problem was Kathy was no

305. angler,

306. She couldn't even catch a cold,

307. In all her days spent fishing,

308. she had yet to catch a fish,

309. So far, today was like all

310. others,

311. Cast after cast, the only thing

312. she reeled in was frustration,

313. What is this?

314. Kathy's bad day took a turn

315. for the better,

316. It started with a nibble,

317. Yes!

318. The nibble turned into a

319. bite,

320. Come on,

321. Oh, come on,

322. Oh, come on,

323. And finally, she had her

324. first fish on the line,

325. You're not getting away,

326. Come to mama!

327. She gave one last terrific

328. pull, and her fish was on the

329. hook and in the air,

330. What happened next makes This

331. fish tale one for the books,

332. Kathy's fish came soaring out of

333. the sky, into her wide-Open

334. mouth...

335. and lodged itself deep down

336. her throat,

337. The outside of a fish is

338. composed of thousands of scales,

339. which are like individual

340. plates,

341. On the outside of the plates are

342. bony spines, which will dig into

343. anything that grabs hold,

344. the more she pulled, the more

345. its scales dug into the walls of

346. her throat...

347. choking her to death,

348. In the end, Kathy was the one

349. that got away,

350. Damn, baby, you're like the

351. best thing I've seen in three

352. years,

353. I bet,

354. Out on parole, with $200 to

355. his name, Levinson was ready to

356. live it up on his first night of

357. freedom,

358. So, like any sensible man Who

359. knows where True happiness lies,

360. he bought himself a bottle of

361. Jack, rented himself a fancy

362. suv, and got himself a Hooker,

363. All I got is 50,

364. Think of this as a Charity,

365. All right,

366. Lucky Levinson was about to

367. receive a blue ball special,

368. You're an Angel,

369. Oh, I've been waiting three long

370. years for this,

371. Lost in the romance of the

372. moment, Levinson didn't notice a

373. cop car pulling up until he had

374. already pulled his pants down,

375. Oh, crap,

376. Take this,

377. What is that?

378. It's Pepper spray,

379. Take it,

380. No!

381. It's a parole violation,

382. I go back for two years for

383. this,

384. What are you doing?

385. Levinson had a can of Pepper

386. spray in plain view on the

387. console of his car,

388. And in the panic to hide it, the

389. ex-Con followed his instincts,

390. and shoved the contraband into

391. the first place he could think

392. of...

393. up his Keister,

394. What's going on here?

395. Nothing, Officer,

396. Just me and my wife talking,

397. Your wife?

398. Yes, my wife,

399. If that's your wife, I'm the

400. emperor of China,

401. Nice to meet you, emperor,

402. Get outta the car,

403. Got nothing better to do?

404. Get outta the car,

405. They say that when you get

406. pulled over, your first

407. impression dictates your odds of

408. avoiding trouble,

409. Exiting a vehicle with your

410. pants around your ankles and a

411. half-Pint of booze on your

412. breath... Not a good start,

413. Are you under the influence?

414. A little bit,

415. A little bit?

416. A little bit!

417. Hey!

418. Aah!

419. what's the matter?

420. When the cop shoved Levinson

421. against the truck, it set off a

422. raging can of Pepper Spray

423. inside his bunghole,

424. Oh, my god, it hurts!

425. What's going on?

426. When someone has Pepper spray

427. sprayed in their face, it

428. typically is in an open

429. environment,

430. When Pepper spray will go off

431. in, say, a closed Colon, there's

432. nowhere for that Pepper to

433. diffuse, so it's just constantly

434. gonna be irritating that lining,

435. causing more and more damage

436. getting close to the lining,

437. probably causing more severe

438. damage than, say, if you sprayed

439. it in someone's eyes or nose,

440. The hell is wrong with this

441. guy?

442. You'll figure it out,

443. I am so out of here,

444. What's going on?

445. What the hell's going on?

446. crime doesn't pay, But the

447. criminal does,

448. For Levinson, first he put up,

449. then he paid up,

450. Up next...

451. we all know that war sucks, but

452. what happened to one unlucky

453. navy man that really sucked?

454. Throughout history, if you

455. really wanted to tempt death,

456. you went to war,

457. In 1991, jd bridges was part of

458. Desert storm in the

459. persian gulf,

460. I went into the navy two

461. weeks after I graduated high

462. school in June of '88,

463. They told me that I was gonna be

464. on the catapults and arresting

465. gear on the flight deck of a

466. Carrier,

467. Stationed on the

468. U, S, S, Roosevelt, jd became a

469. member of the crew responsible

470. for landing and launching all

471. the aircraft on the massive

472. flight deck,

473. We launched a-6 intruders,

474. f-14s, f-18s, s-3s, e-2s...

475. we didn't have a day and a night

476. crew; there was one crew,

477. We didn't get but about two

478. hours' sleep a day,

479. To dominate the airspace over

480. iraq, the rooseveltwas running

481. missions 24/7,

482. And we was launching alert

483. aircraft just to always have

484. planes in the air, and it was

485. about 3:00 in the morning,

486. everybody on the flight deck was

487. tired and fatigued because we

488. only had one ship,

489. Preparing an a-6 intruder for

490. takeoff, jd stepped too close to

491. one of its engines,

492. The air intake sucked him in

493. like a rag doll,

494. It was basically an "Oh,

495. " moment,

496. I'm in big danger, but it...

497. There's nothing you can do about

498. it, as you can see,

499. But jd was still inside the

500. running jet engine,

501. It ripped his helmet off and

502. shot it through the combustion

503. chamber,

504. The force of the air rushing

505. through the intake pulled the

506. air outta my lungs so I couldn't

507. breathe,

508. They shut down the plane, and my

509. air came back to me,

510. I started breathing,

511. I knew I had to get outta there,

512. so I crawled out, and took about

513. two steps and I blacked out and

514. woke up in medical,

515. Jd escaped death with

516. amazingly moderate injuries,

517. I had a broken collarbone,

518. uh, I had to get ten stitches

519. above my eye,

520. I've got a couple little pieces

521. of steel that got lodged into my

522. body, but it's nothing major,

523. Fate, luck, or Miracle?

524. Jd Bridges is one serviceman who

525. can count some major blessings,

526. I guess it can be considered

527. a Miracle for the simple fact I

528. should've died and didn't, so

529. therefore I-I think everybody

530. has a purpose in life, and it

531. just wasn't my time to go,

532. I've got a purpose, and

533. somewhere down the road I'll

534. find it,