1000 Ways to Die 1x5

1. Aim!

2. You wanna know the meaning

3. of life?

4. Whatever,

5. How about something really

6. important?

7. Fire!

8. What's on tv tonight?

9. Two dopers who find the ultimate

10. buzz-Kill,

11. A couple who like it raw,

12. when it comes to snails,

13. Then there's the one about the

14. farmer's daughter,

15. Hey!

16. And the guy who went out of

17. his way to meet women,

18. we've got a magician who runs

19. out of magic,

20. Way down south...

21. And a civil war story that'll

22. have you whistling Dixie,

23. Wanna know what's on tv tonight?

24. 1000 ways to die,

25. death is everywhere,

26. Most of us try to avoid it,

27. others can't get out of it's

28. way,

29. every day, we fight a new war

30. against germs, toxins, injury,

31. illness, and catastophe,

32. there's a lot of ways to wind

33. up dead,

34. The fact that we survive at all

35. is a Miracle,

36. Because every day we live,

37. we face 1000 ways to die,

38. Did you hear the one about the

39. farmer's daughter?

40. You never heard this one,

41. Meet farmer John,

42. He's mean, dumb, and ugly,

43. This is his daughter, Daisy,

44. She's sweet and smokin' hot,

45. And this is Chester, the hired

46. hand,

47. He's looking to get a leg up

48. on Daisy,

49. if farmer John Knew anything at

50. all, it was animal husbandry,

51. All he wanted was to keep the

52. animals from husbanding his

53. daughter,

54. But when he heard a ruckus from

55. behind the hay Bales, he knew

56. his Daisy was about to get

57. planted,

58. Oh, yeah, baby,

59. Oh, Daisy,

60. Oh, oh, yeah, Daisy,

61. Oh, baby,

62. Hey!

63. Oh, no!

64. the Chase was on,

65. Chester was about to go from

66. stud to gelding,

67. Daisy was sad, because she lost

68. her Mount,

69. Oh...

70. Oh, aw, no!

71. Ah!

72. it's entirely possible that

73. he died from crush injuries,

74. suffered from the sheer weight

75. of the manure,

76. The methane gas that's produced

77. from the manure in the truck,

78. could have displaced the oxygen

79. that he would've normally needed

80. to breathe in and whatnot,

81. Chester payed the ultimate

82. price for trying to fertilize

83. Daisy,

84. Why does this always happen

85. to me?

86. Poor Daisy,

87. All she really wanted was a

88. stable relationship,

89. we've all been out on

90. bad dates,

91. But Monica and Hans are at

92. death's door because of the date

93. from hell,

94. And it all started in the

95. kitchen,

96. Hey,

97. Hey, you,

98. How are you?

99. Good, how are you?

100. Fantastic,

101. All Hans wanted was to get

102. in Monica's pants,

103. If he could impress her with his

104. culinary skills, he'd be home

105. free,

106. Though he couldn't boil water,

107. he had a plan,

108. All he needed was a bag of

109. ready-Made salad mix and a

110. surprise ingredient,

111. Just trust me,

112. Yes, they're snails,

113. Or, as the French say, escargot,

114. Monica had put a lot of raw

115. things in her mouth,

116. But snails?

117. But since Hans acted like he was

118. the iron chef, she was

119. impressed, or dumb enough to

120. trust him,

121. Okay, ready?

122. one, two, three,

123. Cheers,

124. It's not bad,

125. When Hans and Monica ate live

126. snails, parasites called

127. cantonese Bloodworms entered

128. their circulation...

129. and settled in their brains,

130. There, the worms began to make

131. a meal of their brain matter,

132. in terms of your brain, you

133. have many defenses to keep out

134. things, like bacteria and

135. viruses or any other worms that

136. might try and crawl up there,

137. This is one that the body's not

138. used to dealing with,

139. And so it seems to be able to

140. access the brain relatively

141. easily,

142. A week after their snail

143. sushi, Hans and Monica developed

144. crippling headaches and severe

145. nausea,

146. They checked into a hospital,

147. And now, they were teetering on

148. the Brink of sanity and death,

149. Oh, by the way, I'm gay,

150. Pretty much, the only reason I

151. even hooked up with you is

152. 'cause you got the chest of a

153. 12-year-Old boy,

154. I hate you,

155. I hate yo...

156. It was too late for Monica to

157. grasp that she was dying for

158. trusting a wanna-Be metrosexual,

159. and all she had done was eat

160. his salad,

161. when we return, the trick to

162. this trick is you only get to

163. do it once,

164. Ah, joint,

165. And there's a reason they

166. call dope "Dope,"

167. you dope,

168. I'm ready,

169. Would you stand on a stage,

170. ready to catch a bullet in your

171. teeth, fired by your angry

172. ex-Girlfriend?

173. meet the great dolphino,

174. Dolph Scott was a no-Talent

175. Hack who put audiences to

176. sleep...

177. thank you,

178. In backwater towns all across

179. the country,

180. He had a fling with his "Ta-Da"

181. Girl, mandaleet,

182. Would you give me the bullet?

183. But she grew tired of this

184. bumbling trickster,

185. After this performance, mandalee

186. had a one-Way ticket back to

187. vegas,

188. thank you,

189. that's why when he was about

190. to perform the infamous

191. bullet-Catch trick, the stage

192. was set with hidden drama,

193. Thank you,

194. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

195. for my final trick, I give you

196. the bullet-Catch,

197. the gun,

198. The bullet-Catch is probably

199. one of the most deadly effects

200. in magic,

201. And I would never perform it,

202. The bullet-Catch was a

203. dangerous stunt,

204. A lot could go wrong,

205. Hidden from the audience,

206. dolphino places a real bullet

207. in his mouth,

208. Mandaleet takes a pistol loaded

209. with Blanks, and puts it on

210. display,

211. Nooku-Nooku...

212. Dolphino mumbles some

213. gibberish,

214. taps his wand,

215. Apu-Ah!

216. Mandaleet fires, and dolphino

217. produces a fake bullet,

218. Mandaleet,

219. I'm ready,

220. Mandaleet took dead aim,

221. pointing a gun at the one person

222. she detested over all others,

223. ah!

224. dolphino dropped to the floor

225. as dead as his act,

226. But mandaleet wasn't guilty

227. of murder...

228. Just wishful thinking,

229. When dolphino tapped the gun,

230. the tip of his wand dropped

231. unseen down into the barrel,

232. Mandaleet pulled the trigger,

233. and the explosive force produced

234. by the Blank was enough to send

235. the tip hurtling into his neck,

236. severing his jugular vein,

237. uh! Ah!

238. It all went horribly wrong,

239. But his final trick produced

240. some real magic,

241. The entire audience was awake

242. and applauding the late, great,

243. dolphino,

244. I can't breathe,

245. On february 8, 2002,

246. investigators found two young

247. men lying dead with a video

248. camera close by,

249. The confiscated tape reveals a

250. very stupid and avoidable death,

251. Yeah,

252. We got papers, we have lighters,

253. we have pipes, but we don't have

254. weed,

255. No weed,

256. The two men were desperate

257. stoners who had run out of their

258. precious marijuana,

259. Man, I'll suck some

260. for some weed right now, man,

261. As the tape shows, they set

262. out to sample anything they

263. thought could provide a buzz,

264. A little bit of this one,

265. We got some mustard...

266. Mustard plants here,

267. I don't know if I'm high or I

268. just feel really stupid right

269. now,

270. I think this situation is

271. almost the most classic example

272. of social darwinism,

273. The two potheads were so

274. desperate, they actually tried

275. smoking horse droppings,

276. You try out different plants,

277. and you see how you react to

278. them, and if it's safe, you eat

279. more of them,

280. If it's not safe,

281. you leave them alone,

282. Finally, as the tape shows,

283. the young dopers made a

284. discovery,

285. I'll be damned if we don't

286. get high off this,

287. An unknown green plant they

288. were certain would get them

289. high,

290. Fat joint,

291. that's... That's the taste of

292. glory, right there,

293. This is the kind of behavior

294. that we have exhibited for many,

295. many centuries,

296. but this is not appropriate

297. now anymore,

298. We don't live in nature anymore,

299. we live in Cities,

300. Broseph, I think something's

301. wrong,

302. the misguided youths didn't

303. realize that they had just

304. smoked the leaves of poison

305. sumac, the most toxic plant

306. species in the United States,

307. It caused their lung cavities to

308. swell up and fill with liquid,

309. a reaction known as pulmonary

310. edema,

311. Edema is swelling,

312. Pulmonary is lungs,

313. The lungs are made up of air

314. sacs,

315. If you fill those air sacs with

316. fluid, air can't get into the

317. air sac, and therefore gases

318. can't be exchanged across the

319. membrane of that air sac,

320. desperate to get high, these

321. two stoners made some very

322. stupid decisions,

323. That's why they call it "Dope,"

324. Coming up...

325. aim...

326. one day, the south will rise

327. again,

328. Fire!

329. Just not on this show,

330. And is that a sausage in your

331. pants, or are you just happy to

332. be watching 1,000 ways to die?

333. the civil war Had been over

334. for two years, but somehow this

335. ragtag group of rebel soldiers

336. never got the message,

337. But private Willy Holmes got

338. sick of the delusion that Johnny

339. would someday come marching home

340. in victory,

341. Caught trying to sneak away,

342. Willy was branded a deserter and

343. sentenced to death by firing

344. squad,

345. Having battled side-By-Side with

346. him since the beginning of the

347. war, his buddies were now faced

348. with the unpleasant duty of

349. whacking their beloved Willy,

350. Present,

351. On,

352. Their hard-Ass colonel wasn't

353. about to let Willy off the hook,

354. Hold up,

355. On,

356. The only medal Willy was

357. going to get were four lead

358. slugs in the chest,

359. Ready...

360. Aim...

361. fire!

362. but a funny thing happened on

363. the way to Willy's execution,

364. Everyone fired...

365. what the...?

366. and everyone missed,

367. Not a mark on him,

368. And even funnier...

369. he's dead!

370. Something is definitely not

371. right, here,

372. The civil war Soldier clearly

373. thought he was gonna be shot,

374. and I think that was a

375. tremendous expectation for that

376. one auditory stimulus,

377. Crack goes the shot, pain, and

378. death,

379. Adrenaline levels secreted

380. from Willy's nervous system

381. spiked off the charts as he

382. imagined the bullets riddling

383. his body,

384. It was like a lightning Bolt to

385. his heart,

386. Just ain't right,

387. He suffered a massive

388. coronary and died without a

389. scratch,

390. Let's get a burial detail out

391. here,

392. Save his shoes,

393. someday the south may rise

394. again,

395. But you can be sure Willy never

396. will,

397. disco Donnie Del Noche is

398. obsessed with size,

399. He spent his whole life being

400. laughed at by men in the locker

401. room and by women in the

402. bedroom,

403. Tonight he's fighting back,

404. His choice of weapon... a 12-Inch

405. kielbasa,

406. I think the kind of guy that

407. does that is someone who feels

408. unbelievably unsure of

409. themselves and really, really

410. insecure,

411. He gets his meat missile in

412. place, ties it down with Some

413. surgical tubing, and off he

414. goes, ready to hit the club...

415. with his club,

416. It's like he always dreamed it

417. would be,

418. All eyes are drawn to Donnie's

419. overstuffed crotch,

420. For four long...

421. really long hours, Donnie is the

422. man,

423. One by one, the girls take turns

424. paying tribute to Donnie's

425. salami,

426. There's enough for everyone,

427. Well, almost,

428. Instead of him saying,

429. "here's who I really am as a

430. man," he's creating this fake

431. penis and wanting to get

432. attention by how big it is,

433. If a woman is attracted to that,

434. hypothetically, he's gonna take

435. her home and show him... Show her

436. his sausage?

437. Suddenly, at the height of

438. his triumph, something's wrong,

439. It's like 1,000 scalpels are

440. stabbing at his chest,

441. His boogie night starts to blur,

442. There's no way that you can

443. tourniquet off any limb of your

444. body for hours without having

445. horrible consequences,

446. He drops to the dance floor,

447. Disco Donnie is dead,

448. You get a clot in the leg

449. because you've got this rubber

450. hose tied to your leg, so that

451. leg is not getting any

452. circulation,

453. That clot slowly makes its way

454. up into the heart, makes its way

455. into the lung, gets lodged into

456. the lung,

457. You end up dying of a massive

458. pulmonary embolism because the

459. blood can't get to the lung

460. where it's supposed to,

461. For Donnie, size mattered,

462. A little too much,

463. But for one night, this tiny,

464. tiny man Had something special

465. between his legs,

466. Something to die for,

467. Boats belong in the water,

468. Bad things happen When they

469. break that rule,

470. Very bad,

471. See what happens next on 1,000

472. ways to die,

473. At speeds in excess of 150

474. miles an hour, with no brakes

475. and no parachute, drag boat

476. racing is one of the most

477. dangerous sports in the world,

478. Veteran racer Sonny moon is

479. about to find out how dangerous,

480. My boat was what they call a

481. hydroplane,

482. About 19 feet,

483. It had a 557 cubic inch engine,

484. a little over 1,000 horsepower,

485. It's riding on a cushion of air,

486. In the red boat on the left,

487. Sonny takes off at the nationals

488. race at firebird lake, arizona,

489. As his opponent takes the lead,

490. Sonny punches the throttle,

491. Just feeling good, you know,

492. had a good run,

493. I clocked 155, but when I let

494. off the accelerator, it kept

495. going,

496. Sonny's throttle is stuck in

497. the worst place possible...

498. wide open,

499. I tried the mercy switch, I

500. tried the carburetors... To cut

501. those off,

502. Neither of 'em worked,

503. I tried to turn it, which was

504. ridiculous,

505. It scared me,

506. Headed toward certain death

507. if the boat hits shore, Sonny

508. makes a daring decision to ditch

509. the boat,

510. I stood up to try to get out

511. and couldn't get out,

512. So I clawed off side... to the

513. side,

514. I threw myself back toward the

515. engine and rolled off to the...

516. To the right side,

517. I thought I was a goner,

518. Hitting the water at 150

519. miles an hour, Sonny was

520. instantly knocked unconscious,

521. His boat launched 50 feet into

522. the air, into a 75,000 volt

523. power line,

524. Had I not been able to get

525. outta the boat, I woulda been

526. going up in the boat, hit with

527. the highline wire,

528. I woulda been electrocuted,