1000 Ways to Die 1x4

1. It's the 1,000 ways to die

2. trauma center,

3. Waiting for treatment, two

4. stooges who go cuckoo with

5. cocoa,

6. a supermodel with an appetite

7. for self-Destruction,

8. A blue-Collar worker who sees

9. nothing but red,

10. and a hot-Tubber who can't

11. take the heat,

12. The doctor will see you now,

13. Death is everywhere,

14. Most of us try to avoid it,

15. Others can't get out of its way,

16. every day we fight a new war

17. against germs, toxins, injury,

18. illness, and catastrophe,

19. There's a lot of ways to wind up

20. dead,

21. The fact that we survive at all

22. is a Miracle because every day

23. we live we face 1,000 ways to

24. die,

25. It's not hard to figure out how

26. this guy got his nickname

27. it's the fast Lane, you

28. idiot!

29. Angry ed,

30. God!

31. a low, seething boil was his

32. relaxed state,

33. there wasn't much that didn't

34. make ed see red,

35. At the tool shop where he

36. worked

37. ed's anger was a running

38. joke,

39. But to his Foreman, the joke

40. had run thin,

41. You're fired!

42. I think a person with that

43. much anger sometime is thinking

44. in terms of spite and revenge

45. and manipulation and how they

46. can get back at those people,

47. Getting fired turned ed into

48. a heat-Seeking anger missile,

49. His unsuspecting target,

50. the Foreman who was working

51. on a vat of hydrochloric acid,

52. End goes hand-to-Hand and winds

53. up taking a bath

54. in a tub of hydrochloric acid,

55. If someone was to fall in

56. a vat of hydrochloric acid,

57. that person I'm sure went

58. through an EXCRUCIATINGLY

59. painful death because he was

60. suffering a total body burn

61. simultaneously,

62. The acid quickly Burns

63. through his skin, Fries his

64. eyeballs, and pours into his

65. wide-Open mouth,

66. once inside the body,

67. ed's major organs are destroyed

68. within seconds,

69. He probably went to a level

70. of shock, if not just because

71. of the amount of pain he was

72. feeling But just because of

73. the sheer amount of fluid loss

74. and body damage that he was

75. suffering because of the acid,

76. This wasn't just ed's last

77. day of work,

78. You're fired!

79. His uncontrollable,

80. blood-Boiling rage made sure

81. this was angry ed's last day,

82. Period,

83. nice legs,

84. They've been seen on fashion

85. runways all around the world,

86. The legs belong to Natasha,

87. and Natasha is a supermodel,

88. Right now Natasha is feeling

89. a little less than super...

90. Living out of a suitcase,

91. empty hotel rooms,

92. Her life of glamour is

93. a full-Time grind,

94. Worst of all is the constant

95. dieting,

96. in her world, if you're not

97. thin you're out,

98. What's Natasha's secret?

99. She starves herself,

100. To make matters worse,

101. she's fallen into a pattern

102. of extremely destructive

103. behavior... Bulimia,

104. Room service,

105. Yes, room service?

106. Yes, this is room service,

107. What can we bring you?

108. Everything,

109. Bulimia's a neurologic and

110. psychiatric disease,

111. There's a lot of physiologic

112. consequences to doing that,

113. This has become a common

114. ritual for Natasha,

115. Each time it's a struggle

116. between love and Hate for food,

117. In the end, the compulsion to

118. binge always wins over,

119. By literally stuffing herself

120. with every kind of dish

121. imaginable, Natasha hopes that

122. the empty feeling will go away,

123. Because of her fear of becoming

124. overweight, Natasha's not

125. planning on digesting any of

126. this food,

127. A regular stomach holds about

128. 30 ounces,

129. At about 120 to 160 ounces,

130. your stomach has reached its

131. maximum capacity, and anything

132. further it's going to basically

133. explode,

134. Before Natasha could jam her

135. fingers down her throat to

136. induce vomiting, her pattern of

137. self-Abuse came to a sudden end,

138. You've got all of this food

139. being spilled into the body

140. cavity,

141. All of the bacteria that were

142. in the food are gonna start

143. multiplying and you're gonna

144. develop what's called

145. peritonitis,

146. And so a lot of times people

147. have heart attacks or go into

148. kidney failure, which will lead

149. to sepsis and shock and

150. ultimately death,

151. Natasha made her living off

152. her looks,

153. In the end, she wound up dying

154. for them,

155. That's hot,

156. Coming up

157. a porn addict pops a big one,

158. And

159. a big needle,

160. Oh, no, very normal size,

161. What happens when you get

162. a bad batch of botox?

163. nothing good,

164. Phil Hardin is a stone-Cold

165. smut addict,

166. He lives it,

167. he breathes it,

168. Oh, god,

169. He reads it,

170. He needs it,

171. Phil's got it made,

172. His no-Skills job at the tire

173. shop allows him to work and

174. play at the same time,

175. What makes somebody a sex

176. addict is what makes somebody

177. a drug addict or an alcoholic

178. addict, they over-Consume,

179. It's more important than their

180. family,

181. It's more important than their

182. work,

183. They don't care if it destroys

184. their health,

185. It's all they think about

186. day and night,

187. Phil thought his porn

188. Obsession was harmless,

189. He wasn't hurting anyone,

190. And then one day he sat down

191. with the new issue of horndog

192. and a large truck tire,

193. His foot was up on the air hose,

194. but his mind was still down in

195. the gutter,

196. I've often said that tires

197. are a ticking time bomb,

198. If you're not paying attention,

199. you're gonna have a problem,

200. It could be catastrophic,

201. It could kill you or certainly

202. "Main" you... Take out an eye,

203. break an arm, break your neck,

204. take a piece of your body,

205. It came down to this,

206. Which would pop FIRST:

207. Phil or the tire?

208. the tire and steel rim

209. exploded simultaneously,

210. launching heavy shrapnel into

211. Phil's forehead from less than

212. a yard away,

213. Just the Blunt force of

214. a large piece of tire hitting

215. him in the head could cause

216. a contusion that's strong enough

217. to cause a traumatic brain

218. injury,

219. He had actually pieces that

220. went through his skull lodged

221. in his skull and damaged his

222. brain directly, which in and of

223. itself can cause neurogenic

224. Shock which can cause someone

225. to die as well,

226. You know what they say

227. Porno is bad for you,

228. it'll rot your brain,

229. I'm a little nervous; I'm

230. gonna have a glass of wine,

231. Remember when Doctors Made

232. house calls?

233. Neither do we,

234. Never had anything like this

235. done before,

236. Totally okay,

237. Okay,

238. The only reason Debbie got

239. this guy to drop by was, 1, he's

240. not really a doctor, and 2, she

241. was desperate,

242. That's, uh... a big needle,

243. Her problem: Wrinkles,

244. Dr, Quack here had the cure,

245. Botox,

246. Botox is actually botulinum

247. toxin,

248. It causes paralysis,

249. What they do is they inject this

250. toxin into certain areas of your

251. face, or wherever you want it to

252. be, to get rid of wrinkles,

253. And the way that it does that is

254. it paralyzes that muscle,

255. That muscle can no longer

256. contract, and the wrinkle is

257. gone,

258. the fake physician made a

259. good living off insecure

260. 40-Somethings, dispensing black

261. Market botox injections,

262. Don't move,

263. It wasn't brain surgery, and

264. they always paid cash,

265. Debbie didn't know it, but she

266. just signed her death

267. certificate,

268. Okay,

269. Sorry,

270. Thank you,

271. The pretend doctor Had gotten

272. his hands on a really bad batch

273. of botox,

274. He just pumped pure botulism

275. poison right into her head,

276. Ahh

277. This does not feel right,

278. The pain and Numbness started

279. spreading from her head

280. throughout her body,

281. Debbie thought a dip in the hot

282. tub might calm her down,

283. If you do not go to someone

284. that knows what they're doing

285. and this toxin gets somewhere it

286. should not get to... the nerve,

287. for example, your face becomes

288. paralyzed, and you look like

289. you've had a stroke,

290. if it gets into your arteries

291. or into your veins, that toxin

292. is now circulating in your body

293. and getting into your lungs,

294. into your heart,

295. Cause... It can cause paralysis

296. there, so essentially you stop

297. breathing, your heart stops

298. beating, and you end up dead

299. from botox,

300. Debbie was helpless,

301. Her body was completely

302. paralyzed by the spreading

303. toxin,

304. In a frozen panic, she slipped

305. under the water's surface and

306. drowned,

307. At her funeral her friends all

308. said she never looked better,

309. Up next

310. two morons go cuckoo for

311. cocoa

312. and wind up in the sweet

313. hereafter,

314. And when this m, D, Says "Bend

315. over," he's talking to his

316. nurse,

317. I'm ready for my own

318. examination,

319. Is that right?

320. If ignorance is Bliss, then

321. Carl and Lenny here are ready

322. for nirvana,

323. the best way to describe

324. them... Happy-Go-Lucky nitwits,

325. The half a brain they shared was

326. the right amount for their job

327. as minimum WAGE kitchen aides,

328. If you're this stupid, it's like

329. being in the carpool Lane on the

330. death highway,

331. Carl and Lenny are making

332. good time,

333. A couple of sacks of cocoa

334. powder and the race is on,

335. the two idiots pound and pelt

336. each other with wild abandon,

337. If Carl and Lenny were a little

338. less stupid, they might've

339. stopped once they realized they

340. were gradually suffocating from

341. the cocoa-Charged atmosphere,

342. that their lungs had something

343. called alveoli... Tiny Air sacs...

344. And that they were filling up

345. with a fine powder, making

346. breathing impossible,

347. If they were just slightly less

348. stupid, they might've realized

349. they weren't having fun

350. they were dying,

351. So, this is another one of

352. those beautiful, classic

353. examples of social darwinism,

354. If you just happen to have the

355. right lack of common sense and

356. the right combination of genes,

357. you might actually end up in a

358. situation where, um, you have...

359. It's dead by chocolate,

360. Carl and Lenny,

361. Stupid is as stupid dies,

362. What is it about hospitals?

363. Don't you get the feeling as

364. soon as you walk in... Someone

365. somewhere is having sex?

366. Well, what're we gonna be

367. examining today?

368. Oh, all this,

369. That's because it's True,

370. Take dr, Montagno, here,

371. Do we have an increased heart

372. rate?

373. He and his bombshell nurse go

374. at it all day long,

375. Interrupted every now and then

376. by an annoying patient,

377. Dr,

378. Montagno, your next patient is

379. ready,

380. Oh, not the first time,

381. Just turn your head towards

382. me,

383. This way?

384. Mr, O'Brien is here for a

385. brain x-Ray,

386. Okay, is this gonna hurt?

387. Not at all,

388. It's just gonna take a moment,

389. I'll be right back, okay?

390. Okay, sure,

391. But even that hardly slows

392. down our oversexed healthcare

393. professionals,

394. What the...?

395. Can... Can you guys see me?

396. Huh,

397. As peepshows go, this was a

398. good one,

399. Well, this certainly looks

400. like a fun place to work,

401. Oh, yeah,

402. Mr, O'Brien was getting

403. turned on,

404. Oh, yeah... Oh, pick her up,

405. pick her up,

406. Spin around, baby... All righty,

407. The problem was so was the

408. x- Ray machine,

409. Nurse bombshell's magnificent

410. rear End was accidentally

411. rear-ending the on button,

412. constant bombardment by

413. x- Rays is a bad thing to do to

414. someone's brain,

415. Very bad,

416. For the next 20 minutes, Mr,

417. O'Brien's brain is like an egg

418. in a diner,

419. Fried,

420. If somebody is exposed to

421. constant radiation for 20-30

422. minutes, if you extrapolate that

423. to a lifetime dose, that would

424. be two lifetimes worth of

425. radiation, which would be well

426. into the radiation levels

427. experienced by people exposed to

428. radiation at hiroshima,

429. Dr, Montagno and his nurse

430. have no idea they're cooking a

431. patient,

432. until it's too late,

433. Oh, my gosh,

434. Oh, my god, oh, my god,

435. Oh!

436. I think he's... We gotta get

437. some help,

438. We gotta go,

439. Our advice: Stay out of

440. hospitals,

441. Unless you're horny,

442. Coming up

443. a stock car race goes to hell

444. for the drivers,

445. Stock car racer Mike Easley

446. was just two laps into a 150-Lap

447. event when a racer's worst

448. nightmare took place,

449. Impact and fire,

450. I see smoke up ahead of me,

451. I got on the brakes, and my

452. spotter, which was my wife and

453. my daughter, both said Wreck

454. turn one,

455. Traveling at close to 100

456. miles per hour, the two cars in

457. front of Mike collided,

458. puncturing gas tanks and

459. spraying fuel everywhere,

460. In a few short seconds, Mike is

461. engulfed in flames,

462. The track crew responds, but

463. only with hand-Held fire

464. extinguishers, which are not

465. enough against the growing wall

466. of fire,

467. While the horrified crowd looks

468. on, racer Mike Easley emerges

469. from the fiery hell a human

470. fireball,

471. The emergency worker Empties out

472. his fire extinguisher, But Mike

473. continues to burn,

474. Mike tries rolling on the ground

475. to put out the flames, but winds

476. up dousing himself in more

477. high-Octane racing fuel,

478. I couldn't believe that

479. nobody'd put me out,

480. I opened my eyes, I looked

481. around, and people were still

482. running from me,

483. I took a breath, dropped to my

484. knees, and basically kissed her

485. goodbye,

486. At this point, Mike's been on

487. fire for 45 long seconds,

488. His fire suit is designed to

489. handle only 20,

490. The crew returns with a second

491. round of fire extinguishers,

492. After a minute and a half, 90

493. scorching seconds of being

494. covered head to toe in flames,

495. Mike's fire is finally

496. extinguished,

497. To the astonishment of everyone,

498. Mike is still alive,

499. Mike had third-Degree burns over

500. 45% of his body,

501. He was alive, but he wasn't done

502. with death just yet,

503. I died twice in the ambulance

504. going to... to Madigan hospital,

505. I died one more time at harbor

506. view,

507. I was given the paddles three

508. times,

509. My heart stopped,

510. Not many people get to die

511. three times and then live to

512. talk about it,

513. It's my philosophy on life

514. that dying is easy, living's the

515. hard part,