1000 Ways to Die 1x3

1. Okay, deadheads,

2. It's time to count your

3. blessings and be thankful you're

4. watching this show, and not in

5. it,

6. that's more than we can say

7. for this maniac who's always

8. looking for a better buzz,

9. And how 'bout the man who

10. thought he was taking home a

11. hottie, but wound up taking in a

12. stray bullet instead?

13. Have you been a bad boy?

14. Need a drink?

15. Keep it comin',

16. it's time to air out the

17. double-Wide and keep your eye on

18. the prize,

19. And that's how you do it!

20. It's the next episode of

21. 1,000 ways to die,

22. Death is everywhere,

23. Most of us try to avoid it,

24. others can't get out of its way,

25. Every day, we fight a new war

26. against germs, toxins, injury,

27. illness, and catastrophe,

28. There's a lot of ways to wind up

29. dead,

30. The fact that we survive at all

31. is a Miracle,

32. Because every day we live,

33. we face 1,000 ways to die,

34. life, as John Cook saw it,

35. was one long, obscene gesture,

36. He was only too happy to oblige,

37. he was the ultimate

38. adrenaline junkie, always

39. looking for the next fix,

40. This kind of person or kind

41. of personality type, it seems to

42. require thrills, a higher set

43. point,

44. They seem to need to take

45. constant risk to move things

46. forward, to expand the horizons,

47. some people are addicted to

48. it,

49. his customized bikes and edgy

50. metal sculptures brought in more

51. than enough coin for John's

52. needs,

53. what money didn't give him, his

54. sweet and twisted Tess did,

55. She knew how to push his

56. buttons,

57. Somebody putting themselves

58. repeatedly in harm's way is

59. likely to be addicted to the

60. neurochemical bang they get,

61. Cook wanted more Bang for his

62. buck,

63. Tess obliged by attaching a

64. welding machine to his stainless

65. steel ear piercings,

66. But Tess would only take it so

67. far,

68. If John was really going to push

69. his envelope, he'd have to

70. deliver it himself,

71. the brain, the spinal cord,

72. and the heart use electricity in

73. which to function,

74. When 130 amps of raw current

75. rip through the body, the heart

76. is the first organ to short out,

77. If there is, um, a death from

78. an electric shock or from a

79. lightning strike, it's because

80. of cardiac arrest,

81. To anyone who knew John Cook,

82. his death came as no shock,

83. Chuck had a simple dream,

84. With Roxanne he scored the love

85. of his life,

86. Then he struck silver with a

87. 1952 royal spartanette trailer

88. home,

89. Perfect,

90. But before he went mobile, he

91. had to make his love shack

92. shine,

93. Baby, we are great together,

94. Here we go,

95. a dirty job, but not for

96. Chuck,

97. All he had to do was think of

98. motoring down the highway with

99. Roxanne by his side, and he was

100. the happiest Camper in a Camper,

101. Perfect,

102. One last thing,

103. And it wasn't pretty,

104. This is not working,

105. come on, baby,

106. It seems Chuck's new home was

107. carrying a heavy load,

108. , or loads,

109. Oh, what farm animal lived

110. here?

111. Oh!

112. 56 years worth of corn dogs,

113. pork rinds, and untold gallons

114. of cheap beer had solidified

115. into the mother of all logjams,

116. Uh, this is not working,

117. I've got just the thing,

118. chemical warfare was the only

119. answer,

120. Chuck poured a gallon of bleach

121. down the trailer's poop chute,

122. And waited,

123. From the darkness below came a

124. response,

125. Aah!

126. if you're pouring a gallon of

127. bleach into a septic tank that's

128. been sitting around a long time,

129. um, you're probably pouring it

130. into a solution that has

131. acidified over time,

132. Once the highly alkaline

133. bleach mixes with the acidic

134. sludge, it produces an explosion

135. of chlorine gas,

136. It's like a gas chamber,

137. essentially,

138. overcome by lung-Searing

139. toxic fumes, Chuck went from

140. roadworthy to road kill,

141. Happy new year!

142. coming up,

143. a stray bullet that strayed too

144. far,

145. And a guy who really needed a

146. drink,

147. Aah,

148. bottoms up,

149. there's good luck, there's

150. bad luck, and then there's

151. Ronald,

152. Happy New year!

153. Imagine exiting a new year's

154. eve party with a hot date on

155. your arm and a night full of

156. possibilities in front of you,

157. So where's the next party at?

158. I think it's right down the

159. street,

160. Ow,

161. What happened?

162. Suddenly you feel a thud,

163. followed by a sharp, stinging

164. pain in your chest,

165. You fall down, and two minutes

166. later, you're dead,

167. Help!

168. That's what happened to our

169. friend Ronald,

170. It wasn't until after an autopsy

171. that the real reason for his

172. death was discovered,

173. Man, hurry up with them dogs,

174. man, they're taking you all

175. night,

176. In a neighborhood about a

177. kwami is getting his drink on

178. with his boys,

179. Here it goes,

180. 15 seconds,

181. 15 seconds,

182. And as the clock counts down

183. to midnight, kwami decides to

184. let loose,

185. Three, two, one!

186. Happy New year!

187. the bullet's gonna come out...

188. The muzzle velocity is somewhere

189. around 2,000 feet per second,

190. and it's probably gonna, you

191. know, go in the range of a half

192. a mile up into the air,

193. When it comes back down it's

194. going to reach terminal

195. velocity,

196. Ow,

197. Ow,

198. What happened?

199. What... is that blood?

200. Honey,

201. that bullet has more than

202. enough energy to penetrate

203. someone to do some really big

204. damage,

205. Hey!

206. Oh, my God,

207. It's a felony to fire a gun

208. into the air,

209. Stray bullets kill dozens of

210. americans every year,

211. The lesson: When the clock

212. strikes 12 on new year's eve,

213. Three, two, one!

214. duck,

215. Happy new year!

216. why is this man standing in

217. his bathroom doorway holding an

218. enema bag?

219. A simple question with a

220. complicated answer,

221. Mickey is a raging alcoholic

222. with a twist,

223. A recent throat operation has

224. left him unable to drink,

225. Clarissa, his long-Suffering

226. wife, has been doing her best to

227. keep him in line,

228. But she's no match for a

229. lifelong drunk going cold

230. turkey,

231. That brings us back to the enema

232. bag,

233. Alcoholics will go to extreme

234. lengths, drinking nail polish,

235. various things, just to get some

236. sort of alcohol in their body,

237. People will do all sorts of

238. things,

239. Mickey needed help with his Butt

240. bag cocktail,

241. At first, Clarissa resisted, but

242. he broke her down,

243. She rounded up a bottle of

244. Sherry, and dumped it into Mr,

245. Squishy,

246. Oh,

247. that's so cold,

248. The bar was now open,

249. And it's happy hour,

250. Damn, baby, this feels weird,

251. Is that enough?

252. Ugh,

253. the whole thing... Aah,

254. Oh,

255. ah, thank you,

256. Ah,

257. taking alcohol in the rectum,

258. um, it's very veinous,

259. There's a lot of, like, uh,

260. veins, so it can be absorbed

261. through the mucous membranes

262. inside the rectum,

263. Um, it goes into the system, but

264. it's gonna bypass the liver,

265. where it's normally broken down,

266. About 90% of alcohol is broken

267. down, when you drink, in the

268. liver,

269. Ooh,

270. Hold up, there, cowboy,

271. Are you okay?

272. Before he can get out of the

273. bathroom, Mickey is completely

274. hammered,

275. Clarissa beds him down, thinking

276. he'll sleep it off,

277. But not this time,

278. His blood alcohol level has shot

279. up to, 57,

280. Anything over, uh,40 and up

281. will cause coma and death,

282. Mickey's drinking days are

283. over,

284. Up next,

285. School's out early when the gym

286. teacher gets something in his

287. eye,

288. And S, W, M, Tries S & M and winds

289. up D, O, A,

290. O, M, F, g,

291. For those of us who made it

292. through high school, we're

293. blessed with a lifetime of fond

294. memories,

295. Remember being bored?

296. being a nerd?

297. Remember Wondering why girls

298. didn't like you?

299. Best of all, remember the gym

300. teacher?

301. All right, you bunch of

302. misfits, I know it's hot, but we

303. have got some work to do,

304. Mr, Checkelsky here is a

305. classic example,

306. A blowhard with muscles,

307. Hey, listen up!

308. He can't believe the

309. collection of losers that stand

310. before him,

311. All right, come on, come on,

312. But he's got a job to DO:

313. Teach them how to throw a

314. javelin,

315. One hand, one hand,

316. Let's do it!

317. One by one, these special

318. olympians demonstrate the

319. results of bad diets and a

320. weakened Gene pool,

321. Come on,

322. This look like a musical to you?

323. What... what're you doing?

324. Finally Mr, Checkelsky's had

325. enough,

326. The time has come, as it always

327. does, for this alpha male to

328. prove his dominance,

329. >>, the tip goes forward,

330. Checkelsky was a good

331. athlete,

332. Displaying perfect form, he

333. gives a mighty heave, and lets

334. it fly,

335. pretty impressive,

336. That's how you throw a

337. javelin,

338. If he wasn't such a blowhard,

339. he'd still be winning arm

340. wrestling bets at the local

341. sports bar,

342. But checkelsky forgot the one

343. lesson teachers have been

344. screaming for all eternity:

345. Pay attention,

346. And that's how you do it!

347. Coach?

348. Coach?

349. Coach?

350. Coach,

351. Quit playing with us, coach,

352. Dude,

353. Coach,

354. Coach, what're you doing?

355. Oh!

356. Sick!

357. Oh, that's rough,

358. This probably went very quick

359. 'cause he probably would've lost

360. consciousness immediately,

361. In this case, it would've been

362. an aggressive, high-Impact

363. trauma,

364. Probably would've caused

365. bleeding,

366. That would've been the cause of

367. death,

368. A big hemorrhage into the brain

369. and death,

370. Dude, sick!

371. Dude,

372. Hey, don't take a picture,

373. Mr, Checkelsky's fatal error

374. cost him his life,

375. But one rule he followed to the

376. very end,

377. Keep your eye on the javelin,

378. Sam Rickey is a rarity,

379. A 32-year-Old virgin,

380. With his testicles going code

381. blue, he's gone to the red light

382. district for relief,

383. His house of love has a lot to

384. choose from,

385. Hmm,

386. Poca-Hot-Ass looks promising,

387. Can't go wrong with a French

388. maid,

389. You like?

390. Oh, yeah,

391. But when Sam gets to door

392. number three,

393. you've been a bad, bad boy,

394. His choice is made for him,

395. Miss misery has the answer to

396. all his needs,

397. as long as he obeys,

398. Shut up!

399. You will now do as I say,

400. Sam loves it,

401. He's itching with excitement,

402. Actually, he's itching for

403. another reason,

404. Sam never knew, but he has a

405. severe allergy to latex,

406. Just like an allergy to a Bee

407. sting or peanuts, if your immune

408. system doesn't like something,

409. it tells you,

410. Stop it!

411. Sam realizes something's

412. wrong,

413. Miss misery's been at this game

414. for a while, but she's rarely

415. seen any sub enjoy himself so

416. much,

417. She likes a good response, and

418. gives Sam her best stuff,

419. cry!

420. Cry!

421. Cry, baby, cry!

422. Cry!

423. Let me hear it!

424. it is incredibly possible

425. that she thought that he was

426. having a lot of fun and that was

427. his reaction,

428. I mean, when you play with

429. someone for the first time, you

430. honestly don't know what the

431. other person is capable of,

432. Totally immobilized by

433. chains, bound, and gagged, Sam

434. can't tell miss misery anything,

435. Shut up!

436. I said shut up!

437. Under the suit, Sam's

438. breaking out into hives all over

439. his body,

440. His eyes are burning, every inch

441. of his skin is covered in a

442. Rash,

443. Are we having fun yet?

444. This was probably a very

445. severe form of latex allergy,

446. It was quick and to the point,

447. If you could not get that

448. gentleman out of that suit

449. within seconds to minutes, there

450. would not have been anything to

451. do,

452. Finally, Sam goes into

453. anaphylactic shock,

454. Anaphylactic shock is the body's

455. response to a severe allergy,

456. blood pressure drops rapidly,

457. the heart rate slows, and

458. eventually stops, causing

459. complete circulatory arrest,

460. Unable to escape, the gimp goes

461. limp and dies,

462. When we come back, a hawaiian

463. vacation hits the rocks when a

464. swimmer goes down and never

465. comes up,

466. In the winter of 1993, while

467. vacationing in hawaii, tourist

468. Hugh Alexander was swept off a

469. slick volcanic cliff by a

470. 700-Ton rogue wave,

471. While Hugh struggled to stay

472. afloat, another monster Wave

473. washed him into a moi hole... a

474. natural tunnel,

475. This one stretches more than 60

476. feet under the island,

477. It's pitch black-Dark, so you

478. have no idea where you're going,

479. There's no air, you know, it's

480. all water, and it keeps going up

481. and down like a washing machine,

482. and it's... It's dangerous,

483. When the water finally

484. receded, Hugh was nowhere to be

485. seen,

486. Rescuers arrived expecting to

487. extract a lifeless body,

488. A jet ski specially equipped to

489. save distressed swimmers is

490. dispatched,

491. Look down in the moi,

492. An hour passes with no sign

493. of Hugh,

494. As rescuers begin to give up

495. hope, Hugh suddenly appears

496. after being sucked back out by

497. the vicious undertow,

498. The lifeguards don't miss their

499. chance,

500. They circle the jet ski near

501. enough to Hugh so he can grab

502. the flotation device,

503. After emergency triage on the

504. beach, Hugh is medevacked to a

505. local hospital,

506. Miraculously, he only suffered

507. minor scrapes and bruises,

508. I guess he has a purpose in

509. this life and he wasn't supposed

510. to go yet,

511. There might be 1,000 ways to

512. die, but on this day, against

513. all odds, Hugh found a way to

514. live,