1000 Ways to Die 1x2

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293 Freeze Died: A man, seeking revenge, is locked in a mafia-owned South Philly meat packing freezer; he dies of hypothermia due to stolen meat and a scandal. 713 DiveBombed: Friends suffer decompression after scuba diving in Cabo, crashing their private plane at 12,000 ft, leading to an explosion and the death of all aboard. 91 De-Coffinated: In a Haitian land dispute, one brother poisons the other with tetrodotoxin, leading to paralysis. Presumed dead, he's buried alive, later found suffocated by grave robbers. 606 Wet Dream: A German librarian, donning a waterbed material fish suit, dies of fatal hyperthermia and heat exhaustion while attempting to live like a fish. 112 Fur Burger: In the 2nd century, execution involves wrapping victims in animal skins, tying them to trees, and leaving them for carnivores; one man is eaten alive by vultures.

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1. Death is flying in and it's

2. never been hotter, weirder, or

3. just wrong,

4. We've got a smoker who wound up

5. getting flamed,

6. a beautiful dreamer who

7. couldn't wake up,

8. A pool shark that's hard to

9. swallow,

10. Peeping perverts, the ultimate

11. late night snack,

12. And to top it off, freaks in

13. Animal suits doing the wild

14. thing,

15. If you're not breathing hard and

16. sweating after all of this,

17. check your pulse,

18. You might already be dead,

19. Death is everywhere,

20. Most of us try to avoid it,

21. Others can't get out of its way,

22. every day we fight a new war

23. against germs,

24. toxins,

25. injury,

26. illness,

27. and catastrophe,

28. There's a lot of ways to wind up

29. dead,

30. The fact that we survive at all

31. is a Miracle,

32. Because every day we live, we

33. face 1000 ways to die,

34. You wouldn't know it by looking

35. at him, but Myron burns is a

36. very lucky man,

37. A few weeks ago he was found

38. barely alive with third Degree

39. burns over 90% of his body,

40. He had fallen asleep while

41. smoking in bed,

42. I think we've all been around

43. people who... "I gotta have a

44. smoke, I gotta have a smoke,

45. I gotta have a smoke,"

46. They're not the most fun to be

47. around,

48. Are they gonna be making really

49. clear, focused decisions?

50. Probably not,

51. He bribed the night nurse 100

52. bucks to leave him out back, no

53. questions asked,

54. Okay, Mr, Burns, you have two

55. minutes,

56. Don't do anything stupid,

57. Once out of sight, Myron

58. produces a hidden cigarette,

59. His addiction to nicotine has

60. made him a desperate man,

61. Nicotine is a super toxin,

62. Three times deadlier than

63. arsenic and more lethal than

64. rattlesnake venom,

65. This cigarette is about to bite

66. Myron here right in the ash,

67. The cigarette ash carries just

68. enough of a spark to ignite his

69. bandages, which are soaked in

70. Highly flammable ointment,

71. Helpless, Myron bursts into

72. flame and starts rolling down

73. the handicap ramp,

74. at the bottom of the ramp,

75. his oxygen tank explodes,

76. Myron goes out in a blaze of

77. gory,

78. Fourth degree burn is a burn

79. that goes all the way through to

80. the bone,

81. That's really tragic,

82. I mean teeth are recognizable

83. maybe if you're lucky,

84. Dental records,

85. But the patient's complete

86. physiognomy is gone,

87. You can even have pulverizing of

88. the bone if it continues to

89. burn,

90. Hey, Buddy, got a light?

91. Alexi had the kind of looks Any

92. guy or Gal would kill for,

93. But she'd trade it all in for

94. something most take for granted:

95. A good night's sleep,

96. But every night she would have

97. the same nightmare,

98. A creature would appear and try

99. to suffocate her,

100. this type of recurring

101. nightmare is called SUNDS:

102. It involves a nocturnal visit of

103. an evil being that threatens to

104. press the very life out of the

105. dreamer,

106. Since 1977, more than 100 have

107. died from this mysterious sleep

108. disorder,

109. no,

110. If you were a fly on alexi's

111. wall, you would see the bizarre

112. sight of this beautiful woman,

113. alone in her bed, being

114. violently choked and thrashed

115. within an inch of her life,

116. But it was nothing but the

117. baddest of bad dreams,

118. No,

119. Unable to wake up, alexi was

120. being frightened to the point

121. where her heart was beating

122. erratically, a fatal condition

123. called cardiac arrhythmia,

124. the fiendish little person

125. sat on her chest, wrapped his

126. tiny little hands around her

127. throat, and squeezed with all

128. his might,

129. She died in her sleep,

130. Cause of death: Heart attack,

131. They say if you die in a dream,

132. you die for real,

133. If we could only ask alexi if

134. this were True,

135. But she never woke up from her

136. frightmare,

137. Maybe we should ask the dwarf,

138. next up, when nature calls,

139. get out of here, you freak!

140. No one gets out alive,

141. And Mr, Peepers goes for broke,

142. James "Little e" Johnson

143. was hardly what you would call a

144. model citizen,

145. Screw!

146. You about the ugliest damn guard

147. I ever seen in my life,

148. That's right, boy,

149. You gonna be hearing my voice

150. for the rest of your damn life,

151. Better pray they kill me,

152. on death row for seven counts

153. of murder,

154. you hear me?

155. It was days before His

156. scheduled execution in the

157. electric chair,

158. What's up with that daughter

159. of yours, man?

160. I'm feeling kind of lonely in

161. here,

162. Why don't you bring her on down?

163. Little e abused everyone in

164. his path, including his public

165. defender, Frank stone,

166. That's why when Frank dropped by

167. With some good news for his

168. client, he wasn't happy,

169. Look, I'm here to tell you

170. your sentence has been changed

171. to life without parole,

172. You got that, you scum?

173. Hey, Mr, Lawyer-Man, baby,

174. where you going?

175. That's good news,

176. Hey, bring your wife, man,

177. We could all celebrate,

178. Little e celebrated his luck by

179. indulging in his favorite cell

180. Watching oprahwhile

181. Sitting on his state-Issued

182. full-Metal crapper,

183. But he would soon learn that

184. Karma is less fickle than the

185. law,

186. son of a,

187. when little e grabbed the

188. frayed wire to fix the tv, he

189. accidentally turned his throne

190. into an electric chair,

191. I think this inmate that sat

192. on the metal seat has really set

193. him up to optimally conduct as

194. much Electricity through his

195. body as possible,

196. Something like 100 milliamps

197. that's put across the heart can

198. actually knock your heart out of

199. rhythm and cause you to have

200. sudden cardiac death,

201. Most certainly he died of a

202. cardiac arrhythmia,

203. The 110-Volt current Passing

204. through his skin and grounding

205. to the metal toilet seat was

206. more than enough to fry little

207. e,

208. The hot juice stopped his heart

209. cold,

210. The bottom LINE: Karma is a

211. bitch, and when she comes back

212. at you, there's no escape,

213. This is Randy,

214. He's out of his gourd,

215. He ate a handful of magic

216. mushrooms and now he's wandering

217. around the desert higher than a

218. Kite,

219. when this guy ate the

220. mushrooms, there was probably a

221. compound called psilocybin

222. present in them,

223. And your body converts that to

224. psilocin, which is actually

225. what's responsible for the

226. hallucinogenic effect,

227. He asked the bushes for an

228. answer, and got nothing,

229. I know,

230. He got in touch with his

231. inner dog and got dirty,

232. To anyone not tripping out on

233. mushrooms, Randy would appear to

234. be completely insane,

235. and then things got really

236. weird,

237. at the end of the day, Randy

238. came upon a group of fornicating

239. furries,

240. what's a furry?

241. People who like to put on animal

242. costumes and get together for

243. fun things like group sex,

244. A furry orgy is often known

245. as a fur pile,

246. We summon our spirit animals,

247. and whatever happens Next is

248. whatever, you know, naturally

249. will happen,

250. in Randy's state of mind, sex

251. seemed like a great idea,

252. The zebra looked kind of cute,

253. Hey, get your hands off of

254. me!

255. This Orgy was turning tricky,

256. Instead of a threesome with the

257. zebra and the cute Beaver, maybe

258. it was time to squeeze some

259. honey out of miss Bunny,

260. Yeah!

261. But the cock shooed Randy

262. away with his pecker,

263. He most likely wouldn't be

264. welcome if he was just any old

265. dude,

266. Especially if he was a dude,

267. It's just, like, who is this guy

268. who's coming into my kingdom?

269. Get outta here, you freak!

270. It looked like Randy would

271. get no love from the animal

272. kingdom, when all of a sudden,

273. there she was,

274. A sultry little furry in a

275. Teddy,

276. Randy knew he was about to get

277. smokey with mama bear,

278. It turns out Randy got freaky

279. with the wrong furry,

280. It was a real live bear, and it

281. wasn't into casual sex with a

282. human,

283. the bear looked at him as an

284. aggressor,

285. The bear took it as an attack,

286. not as a game,

287. Ah... Ah!

288. And once they're on top of

289. you with all four paws around

290. you, they'll just start biting

291. and start eating,

292. And the worst part about it is

293. normally they start eating

294. before you're dead,

295. Let's recap what we've

296. learned from Randy's gruesome

297. death,

298. This is your brain,

299. This is your brain on drugs,

300. and This is a bear ripping out

301. your throat after you try to

302. have sex with it while you were

303. high on drugs,

304. The lesson?

305. When nature calls, just say no,

306. coming up, choke turns to

307. croak when a barroom trick goes

308. bad,

309. Spit it out, man!

310. Spit it out!

311. And hot turns cold when a

312. perv gets too bold,

313. Aah!

314. Oh, my god!

315. Call 9-1-1!

316. 9-1-1 won't be any help here,

317. a lot of guys have died on

318. barroom floors, But Sonny Hughes

319. checked out like no other,

320. Rack 'em up,

321. It was a typical night out for

322. this bunch of bikers and their

323. chicks,

324. Sonny had a reputation for being

325. the craziest dude on the street,

326. So when his homies started

327. calling out,

328. "Hey, Sonny!

329. Hey, Sonny!

330. Do the trick, brother!

331. Do the trick, man!"

332. even though it was dangerous,

333. Sonny couldn't say no,

334. Sonny! Sonny!

335. Certain people are more apt

336. to be risk takers, to be

337. aggressive, to be less hemmed in

338. by possible negative

339. consequences,

340. Sonny!

341. Yeah!

342. Sonny's trick was a real

343. crowd-Pleaser,

344. He'd take a pool ball, jam it in

345. his big mouth, and swallow it

346. halfway down his throat,

347. Using his throat muscles, he'd

348. roll the ball up and down his

349. gullet,

350. Oh!

351. Man!

352. Then he'd squeeze the pool

353. ball back up and out his mouth,

354. Yeah, Sonny!

355. you can swallow things

356. either all the way down in the

357. stomach or just hold them in the

358. back of your throat,

359. Oh!

360. It's a pretty cool thing but

361. it's really, really dangerous,

362. But he decided to go for

363. round two,

364. And this time he picked up the

365. cue ball,

366. Sonny!

367. Bad move, Sonny,

368. He got the ball down his throat,

369. why is it so low?

370. But when he tried to squeeze

371. it back up, that's when things

372. turned ugly,

373. Spit it out!

374. Somebody call 9-1-1!

375. Spit it out!

376. No matter how hard he tried,

377. Sonny was unable to force the

378. cue ball back up,

379. He's turning blue, man!

380. Sonny didn't realize on a

381. barroom pool table, the cue ball

382. is a little larger than the

383. others,

384. This allows it to be fed down a

385. return shoot after a scratch to

386. continue play,

387. When Sonny fed the larger cue

388. Ball down his shoot, it stayed

389. down,

390. He had performed This trick 100

391. times before,

392. Spit it out!

393. He died without ever finding

394. out why this time it didn't

395. work,

396. Sonny, get up!

397. Hey, norm, call 9-1-1!

398. there's nothing like a full

399. moon to bring out the freaks,

400. Say hello to Arnold Moss,

401. When Arnold freaks, he peeps

402. into windows,

403. Oh,

404. Something about looking in on

405. a girl while you're masturbating

406. that is better than a sexual

407. experience, I guess, for me,

408. I don't know why,

409. It seems like the climax will be

410. faster,

411. Arnold couldn't believe his

412. luck,

413. He had never seen anyone make

414. love to a refrigerator before,

415. Ohh!

416. Best way to enjoy that, you'd

417. have to be able to be

418. masturbating for me,

419. Oh, my God,

420. You'd want to be

421. masturbating, but you don't want

422. to be caught,

423. You don't want some neighbor

424. yelling "Hey, what are you

425. doing?"

426. so you gotta try to hide,

427. You gotta be in good view,

428. You know you want to get a good

429. shot of that and try not to make

430. any noise so she doesn't hear

431. you,

432. During the day, Arnold was an

433. introverted wimp,

434. He would never have the guts to

435. go up to a woman this hot,

436. Oh,

437. But tonight, he wasthe

438. Popsicle,

439. Oh, yeah,

440. Arnold was so aroused, he

441. broke the number one rule for a

442. peeping PERV: Stay outside the

443. window,

444. Best day of my life,

445. But he had lost control,

446. He leaned in too far,

447. Susu went cuckoo,

448. Aah!

449. And it all came crashing

450. down,

451. right on Arnold's pencil-Thin

452. neck,

453. In the heat of the moment, his

454. elbow jerked back, knocking out

455. a stake holding up the window,

456. The window came down and severed

457. his spinal cord Between Discs

458. c2 and c3,

459. This is where nerves go out to

460. control basic body functions

461. such as breathing and blood

462. pressure,

463. When this connection was broken,

464. death was instantaneous,

465. Arnold finally learned his

466. lesson,

467. It's not cool to peep on people,

468. You're breaking the law,

469. And like Arnold here,

470. aah!

471. Your neck,

472. up next, a pilot's life comes

473. Crashing down when his chopper

474. goes from flying,

475. Oh, my god, my god!

476. To falling,

477. Oh, my god!

478. Oh, my god!

479. A helicopter is basically a

480. flying gearbox,

481. If any one of the components

482. fail, it plunges to the ground,

483. killing all on board,

484. That's what happened to

485. helicopter pilot Ben Moore while

486. lifting a 7,000-Pound air

487. conditioner,

488. Ben, in front of his friends and

489. coworkers, then plunged

490. head-first to a certain death,

491. Oh, my god!

492. Oh, my god!

493. Oh, my god!

494. Grandpa, you stay here,

495. I had a feeling...

496. A feeling...

497. I'm recording,

498. I'm recording,

499. But fate had a different plan

500. for Ben Moore,

501. Against all odds, he lived to

502. tell the tail of the crash that

503. should've killed him,

504. Well our mission that day was

505. that I was going to change out a

506. cooling tower,

507. And just as I began to get about

508. even with the building, uh,

509. is when I heard the loud bang,

510. um, and a thump,

511. The drive shaft to the tail

512. rotor snaps, and Ben's

513. helicopter begins to spin out of

514. control,

515. He immediately jettisons the

516. heavy load,

517. I tried to maneuver over to

518. our prearranged emergency

519. landing spot,

520. The only way to land a

521. helicopter with a broken tail

522. rotor is to shut down the engine

523. to stop it from spinning out of

524. control,

525. It's called a hovering

526. autorotation,

527. Basically, take the engines

528. out, and then use whatever

529. inertia is left in those blades

530. to act as a cushion,

531. The pilot only gets one

532. chance,

533. Just before impact, he must yank

534. his controls to produce maximum

535. Lift from his flailing rotors,

536. I probably started the

537. maneuver about 50 feet too high,

538. So at about 40 feet, I ran out

539. of rpm and all those options

540. that I wanted to do,

541. And at that point I said to

542. myself, "Well, this is death,"

543. Oh!

544. Oh, my god!

545. Oh, my god!

546. Oh, my god!

547. When I hit, the helmet I'm

548. wearing, goggles and everything,

549. take the impact,

550. Had a really nasty cut on my

551. nose,

552. I actually flayed it open,

553. Ben's helicopter plunged

554. face first,

555. Nobody who witnessed the

556. incident believed that anyone

557. would survive this kind of

558. impact,

559. For whatever reason, the lord

560. decided that that wasn't my day,

561. It certainly wasn't up to me at

562. that point,

563. Ben Moore is living proof

564. death doesn't want you,

565. Oh, my god!

566. Unless it's your time to die,

567. it's original,