1000 Ways to Die 1x1

Directed by

Alana Evans as Self - Porn Star • Irena Murphy as Self - Model • Christine Nguyen as Self - Model • Michael Hanson as Jack • Kimberly Laferriere as Jennifer

208 Semi-cide A man is run over and cut in half by an 18-wheeler. 422 Constriction Accident A construction worker is buried under three tons of sand. 92 Fang Banged A drunk man falls onto a rattlesnake, which bites him near his heart. 832 Lesbocution A woman takes off her high heels and steps barefoot into a puddle with a live wire in it and is electrocuted. 125 Love Bugged A reclusive French amateur entomologist and herpetologist is bitten by his black widow spider. 640 Tumble Die A repairman is accidentally trapped inside an industrial clothes dryer.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. >> Are you horny for this right

2. here?

3. >> Of course you are,

4. That's why you're watching the

5. next episode of 1,000 ways to

6. die,

7. Here you'll meet the lawyer,

8. >> watch this,

9. >>, who winds up taking the

10. fall,

11. The texan whose hot wife gives

12. him the hives,

13. >> Help me, trixie!

14. >> The sword swallower who bites

15. off more than he can Chew,

16. A sexaholic who goes organic,

17. Some crazy co-Eds who think

18. life's a gas,

19. >>

20. This is so cool!

21. >> And a wood chipper with a

22. manly appetite,

23. >>

24. !

25. >> life's good on 1,000 ways to

26. die,

27. Death is everywhere,

28. Most of us try to avoid it,

29. others can't get out of its way,

30. Every day, we fight a new war

31. against germs, toxins, injury,

32. illness, and catastrophe,

33. There's a lot of ways to wind up

34. dead,

35. The fact that we survive at all

36. is a Miracle,

37. Because every day we live,

38. we face 1,000 ways to die,

39. >> Great view, isn't it?

40. >> Ian Campbell was very

41. impressed with his law firm's

42. new offices,

43. But the thing Ian was most

44. impressed with was himself,

45. >> Did you know I have a

46. lamborghini?

47. >> One of his favorite Pastimes

48. was hitting on the firm's new

49. female associates,

50. >>, good places to eat,

51. >> You would think a smart

52. lawyer would know better,

53. But Ian was a sexual harassment

54. case in a $1,000 suit,

55. >> Partners at law firms have a

56. lot of power and influence over

57. the careers of brand new

58. associates,

59. You really need this job, and

60. you're really at this guy's

61. mercy,

62. >> Great view, isn't it?

63. >> Ian had a prank he liked to

64. play to impress the ladies,

65. In a conference room on the 40th

66. floor, he'd get a running start

67. and throw himself into the

68. window,

69. The tempered glass would always

70. bounce him back,

71. >> Tempered glass is just

72. unpredictable,

73. It was developed as a safety

74. technique so that people

75. wouldn't get cut on it,

76. But on sudden impact, it can

77. just explode,

78. >> This building's amazing,

79. Watch this,

80. >> Maybe this sleazebag lawyer

81. just ran out of luck,

82. or maybe it was the way his

83. rolex caught the glass,

84. Because Ian took a running

85. start,

86. And never stopped,

87. >> Oh, my god!

88. >> Once you discover that their

89. imminent death is there, they,

90. uh, most likely would've pissed

91. on themselves,

92. He probably died

93. instantaneously from the skull

94. shattering on the ground and his

95. brain herniating out into the

96. street,

97. His spine probably shattered

98. along with the skull, and

99. severed his spinal cord, killing

100. him,

101. >> Clearing brush in 110-Degree

102. heat,

103. >> Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,

104. >> It's a dirty job, but

105. someone's got to do it,

106. Tiny and Dale just wish it

107. wasn't them,

108. The less than dynamic duo get

109. the last of the branches to the

110. top of the hill,

111. Just one job left,

112. Chipping,

113. as machines go, a wood chipper

114. is a low-Tech brute,

115. Branches get fed in, spinning

116. blades grind them up, and

117. woodchips get spit out,

118. But it's never easy with these

119. two,

120. The last branch gets stuck,

121. There's a case of cold ones and

122. a cage fight waiting for them

123. back at tiny's,

124. It was time to man up,

125. Dale tries forcing the branch

126. through with his feet,

127. >>

128. !

129. >> Dale, what're you doing?

130. what're you doing?

131. >>

132. >> Dale finds out the hard way,

133. A machine made to destroy tree

134. limbs can also destroy human

135. limbs,

136. >>

137. >> help me!

138. Help me!

139. >> Unfortunately, he probably

140. did feel everything that was

141. going through him,

142. Starting with the toes and the

143. foot, just chewing through the

144. tissue, ripping muscle from

145. bone, tearing apart the bone

146. itself,

147. >> Dale gets turned into ground

148. Chuck,

149. Tiny gets a bloodbath,

150. Is there a lesson to be learned

151. from all this carnage?

152. If you're this stupid, maybe you

153. deserve to die,

154. >> Eat paint, buggo!

155. >> Up next,

156. >> Yeah!

157. >> Horny Hubby goes one on one

158. with hornets,

159. And two college kids find out

160. that life's a ball when you die,

161. >> Jack and Sally are like any

162. other college sophomores,

163. >>

164. >> horny,

165. By the looks of it, Jack's

166. barking up the right tree,

167. But then a vision appears,

168. >> Check—Check this out,

169. Check this out,

170. >> Oh,

171. >> Across the campus green,

172. something draws them like moths

173. to a flame,

174. A giant basketball,

175. A leftover from yesterday's pep

176. rally,

177. >> We have to get inside of this

178. thing,

179. >> The perfect place for a once

180. in a lifetime quickie,

181. >> Find me a hole, find me a

182. hole,

183. >> Sally finds the way in and

184. pulls its zipper down faster

185. than Jack's fly,

186. A Peek inside leads to a

187. surprising discovery,

188. >>

189. This is so cool!

190. >> Their party balloon is filled

191. with helium,

192. >> Go in,

193. >> Oh, yeah,

194. Oh, my God,

195. >> Both:

196. >> Once inside their laughing

197. gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are

198. feeling no pain,

199. >> Oh, my god, this is so cool!

200. >> We're in a giant basketball,

201. >> The thing we get when we go

202. in the operating room,

203. So they're actually going under

204. anesthesia, slowly getting

205. anesthetized, shutting down

206. brain function,

207. At the same time, they're

208. asphyxiating, and it's gonna

209. slowly produce a disordered

210. neurotransmission in the brain,

211. and shut Higher order centers in

212. the brain off,

213. >> At first it's all fun and

214. games,

215. But after a while, their

216. lightheaded helium buzz becomes

217. something else,

218. >>

219. >> something a lot worse,

220. >> I feel so weird,

221. >> Yeah,

222. I think, uh—

223. we should probably get some air

224. really quick,

225. >> These two college kids

226. Should've hit the books a little

227. Harder,

228. A helium-Only environment might

229. be fun to play in,

230. You just can't live in it,

231. >> Both:

232. >> Jack and Sally spend their

233. last moments disoriented, unable

234. to find the magic zipper,

235. >> Keep looking!

236. >> finally succumbing to the

237. lack of oxygen,

238. Once they locked themselves

239. inside their funhouse, it was

240. only a matter of time before

241. their fun turned to none,

242. Like most guys from texas, j,T,

243. Would rather be out drinking

244. with his buddies than doing yard

245. work,

246. But he was no match for his

247. smoking hot wife trixie,

248. >> Oh, I gotta go,

249. Oh, trixie, ma'am—

250. Just taking a little water break

251. here, is all,

252. >> Do you like what you had last

253. night?

254. >> Oh, hell yeah I do,

255. >> Are you horny for this, right

256. here?

257. >> Yeah, baby, I'm horny for

258. some O' that,

259. >> All right, well, put your

260. stinger away and get rid of that

261. hornets' nest,

262. Do it,

263. >> You're my queen!

264. >> Threatening to turn off the

265. nookie nozzle was more than j,T,

266. Could bear,

267. It was time to go to war,

268. >> All right,

269. Time to do my business,

270. Come on,

271. Come on!

272. >> There are a few hundred

273. hornets in this nest,

274. You have to understand that

275. insects do an important job in

276. nature, whether they're harmful

277. to us because we make the

278. mistake of disturbing their nest

279. or being in a place that they

280. wanna be,

281. >> Come on!

282. >> J,T, Was striking out with

283. the hornets,

284. But this was texas,

285. When all else fails, hit the gun

286. rack,

287. Being more of a suburban cowboy,

288. j,T, Came back out clutching his

289. weapon of CHOICE: A paintball

290. gun,

291. >> All right, then,

292. You think you can come between

293. me and the sanctimony of humpin'

294. my wife?

295. Well, eat paint, buggo!

296. yeah!

297. Oh, yeah!

298. Who's the man?

299. Who's the—

300. Oh,

301. >> j,T, Should've thought first

302. and shot later,

303. when threatened, hornets

304. mobilize their entire nest to

305. sting in defense,

306. The first hornet in sprays him

307. with a long pheromone,

308. The other hornets use the scent

309. of the pheromone to zero in on

310. their target,

311. >>

312. >> now, j,T, Didn't know a lot

313. about anything,

314. Including himself,

315. For example, he had no idea he

316. was allergic to Bee venom,

317. He had a severe reaction called

318. anaphylaxis and collapsed,

319. covered with welts from hundreds

320. of hornets' stings,

321. What this means is his blood

322. vessels dilated, causing a drop

323. in blood pressure,

324. The airway to his throat and

325. lungs became swollen, making

326. breathing impossible,

327. He quickly went into shock, and

328. never recovered,

329. >>

330. >> j,T, Died a noble gunman,

331. fighting for the booty rights to

332. his texas maiden,

333. Happy trails, cowboy,

334. Coming up,

335. a circus freak lives by the

336. sword, and dies by the,

337. umbrella?

338. And a nymphomaniac finally meets

339. her match,

340. What's up, doc?

341. >>

342. >> come on inside,

343. You're gonna see a show that

344. you've never seen before,

345. >> Boris was a desperate man,

346. The recent economic downturn has

347. made life hard,

348. >> This is real and real

349. dangerous, folks,

350. So please don't try this at

351. home,

352. >> Especially for a seven-Foot

353. sword swallower,

354. He used to pack them in,

355. Now, he was lucky to get a

356. busload of blue hairs on their

357. way to atlantic city,

358. >> the key to pulling off a

359. successful trick is getting the

360. audience emotionally invested,

361. If the audience doesn't like

362. you, and they're not

363. emotionally invested in you, uh,

364. when you do this trick, they're

365. gonna be watching it, um, kinda

366. like an ancient Roman Audience

367. would watch a gladiator,

368. You know, they're watching it—

369. "Let's see if he gets hurt,"

370. And, um, that's, uh—That's not

371. a good place to be,

372. >> That's right,

373. two blades at one time,

374. >> Being a circus freak, Boris

375. was willing to do anything to

376. stay afloat,

377. If one sword didn't wow them,

378. how about two?

379. >> This is extremely dangerous

380. because at any moment, the

381. swords could scissor, causing

382. internal bleeding,

383. >> ALL: Oh!

384. >> And if that didn't do the

385. trick, he'd take challenges from

386. the audience,

387. This day, some cranky, old

388. pensioner handed him his

389. umbrella,

390. >> Hey, big guy, huh?

391. How 'bout my umbrella, huh?

392. Come on, let's see, let's see,

393. >> Desperate times call for

394. desperate measures,

395. In a dramatic flourish, Boris

396. hoisted the umbrella over his

397. head, and proceeded to jam it

398. down his big and tall gullet,

399. It was a frightening and

400. disgusting display,

401. But the audience couldn't turn

402. away,

403. >> All: Oh, no!

404. >> Oh, it's going down,

405. >> Boris might've gotten away

406. with nothing more than a sore

407. throat, but his giant epiglottis

408. hit the release mechanism, and

409. the umbrella opened up, closing

410. down his windpipe, and sealing

411. the deal on Boris,

412. >> Just about the stupidest

413. thing I could ever think of

414. Swallowing would be an umbrella,

415. I've never done it, I never

416. will,

417. It could open up, and if that

418. happens, a, it's gonna get

419. lodged in, so you're not gonna

420. be able to get it out, and in

421. doing so, you're gonna be

422. ripping the hell out of your

423. esophagus,

424. And also, your, uh, trachea is

425. gonna be blocked, and your

426. windpipe, and you won't be able

427. to breathe,

428. So you're—You're—

429. You're screwed,

430. >> he lived by the sword,

431. He died by the,

432. you got it,

433. Umbrella,

434. Some people just seem to ooze

435. sexuality,

436. Take Jennifer here,

437. She can turn a trip to the

438. supermarket into a lap dance of

439. longing and lust,

440. Not only is she sexy, she loves

441. sex,

442. Loves having it, loves thinking

443. about it,

444. Right now she's thinking about

445. the hunk over there stacking

446. cukes,

447. But she's got a date with some

448. girlfriends in from out of town,

449. Too bad for you, cuke stacker,

450. You have no idea what you're

451. missing,

452. Back home, Jennifer unpacks her

453. day's catch,

454. But all she can think about is

455. release,

456. She just can't shake that vision

457. of stud boy hosing down the

458. produce,

459. >> Masturbation is an absolutely

460. amazing thing,

461. I think it's important for

462. everyone to masturbate,

463. It's such a great stress relief,

464. it helps relieve the tension

465. through your body, and let's

466. face it, if you can't make

467. yourself orgasm all alone, then

468. sex just isn't the same,

469. >> Turns out Jennifer could've

470. done a better job shaving,

471. her carrot,

472. A rough edge sliced through her

473. vaginal wall, and sent an AIR

474. embolism racing up to her heart,

475. >>

476. >> There would be no happy

477. ending to this veggie tale,

478. >> Stranger things have

479. happened,

480. She tore part of her—Either

481. vaginal WALL, or some part of

482. her pelvic area,

483. Air somehow got in during the

484. masturbation process, into the

485. arteries, and the air then went

486. up to the heart and caused

487. death,

488. >> When we come back, a

489. motorcycle racer goes to pieces

490. on a dry lakebed,

491. >> El mirage lakebed,

492. san bernardino, california,

493. A legendary meeting place for

494. any gear heads, adrenaline

495. junkie, or racing fan looking to

496. push the speed envelope as fast

497. as they dare,

498. In this macho world, there's no

499. bigger name than Ron cook,

500. A 12-Time land speed record

501. Holder, Ron's looking for lucky

502. 13,

503. His goal: 200 miles PER hour or

504. better,

505. To help him get there, he's

506. equipped his bike with nitrous,

507. Ron wants one simple THING: To

508. be the fastest in the world,

509. In less than seven seconds, he's

510. already at 150 miles per hour,

511. His record in reach, Ron hits

512. the nitrous,

513. >> Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider

514. down, Rider down!

515. Everybody move!

516. >> It's the worst case scenario,

517. Hitting the rock-Hard desert

518. floor at 200 miles per hour is

519. the equivalent of taking a

520. 1,200-Pound blow straight to the

521. head,

522. Ron's a dead man, right?

523. Think again,

524. >> It's great to be alive, but

525. at the same time, I'm thinking,

526. oh, boy, you know, am I gonna

527. have an arm?

528. Am I gonna have a leg?

529. I didn't know,

530. >> Ron's injuries were

531. extensive,

532. The pain severe,

533. >> I ended up having five broken

534. bones in my right leg, four

535. bones broken in my right arm,

536. And I had a lot of bruises,

537. cuts, uh, but also I had lotta

538. 3rd and 4th-Degree burns,

539. It's a wonder that I didn't die

540. in that crash,

541. I should've—Shoulda been dead,

542. >> Ron never got the record he

543. set out for, but he didn't walk

544. away empty-Handed,

545. >> The record I was trying to

546. get was the over 200 mile an

547. hour record, but I didn't get

548. that one,

549. The record I ended up getting,

550. by default, was the guinness

551. record for surviving the world's

552. fastest motorcycle crash at 200

553. miles an hour,