1. >> Are you horny for this right
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2. here?
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3. >> Of course you are,
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4. That's why you're watching the
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5. next episode of 1,000 ways to
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6. die,
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7. Here you'll meet the lawyer,
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8. >> watch this,
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9. >>, who winds up taking the
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10. fall,
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11. The texan whose hot wife gives
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12. him the hives,
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13. >> Help me, trixie!
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14. >> The sword swallower who bites
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15. off more than he can Chew,
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16. A sexaholic who goes organic,
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17. Some crazy co-Eds who think
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18. life's a gas,
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19. >>
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20. This is so cool!
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21. >> And a wood chipper with a
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22. manly appetite,
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23. >>
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24. !
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25. >> life's good on 1,000 ways to
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26. die,
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27. Death is everywhere,
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28. Most of us try to avoid it,
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29. others can't get out of its way,
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30. Every day, we fight a new war
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31. against germs, toxins, injury,
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32. illness, and catastrophe,
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33. There's a lot of ways to wind up
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34. dead,
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35. The fact that we survive at all
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36. is a Miracle,
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37. Because every day we live,
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38. we face 1,000 ways to die,
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39. >> Great view, isn't it?
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40. >> Ian Campbell was very
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41. impressed with his law firm's
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42. new offices,
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43. But the thing Ian was most
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44. impressed with was himself,
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45. >> Did you know I have a
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46. lamborghini?
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47. >> One of his favorite Pastimes
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48. was hitting on the firm's new
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49. female associates,
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50. >>, good places to eat,
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51. >> You would think a smart
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52. lawyer would know better,
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53. But Ian was a sexual harassment
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54. case in a $1,000 suit,
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55. >> Partners at law firms have a
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56. lot of power and influence over
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57. the careers of brand new
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58. associates,
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59. You really need this job, and
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60. you're really at this guy's
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61. mercy,
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62. >> Great view, isn't it?
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63. >> Ian had a prank he liked to
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64. play to impress the ladies,
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65. In a conference room on the 40th
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66. floor, he'd get a running start
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67. and throw himself into the
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68. window,
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69. The tempered glass would always
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70. bounce him back,
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71. >> Tempered glass is just
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72. unpredictable,
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73. It was developed as a safety
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74. technique so that people
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75. wouldn't get cut on it,
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76. But on sudden impact, it can
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77. just explode,
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78. >> This building's amazing,
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79. Watch this,
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80. >> Maybe this sleazebag lawyer
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81. just ran out of luck,
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82. or maybe it was the way his
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83. rolex caught the glass,
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84. Because Ian took a running
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85. start,
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86. And never stopped,
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87. >> Oh, my god!
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88. >> Once you discover that their
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89. imminent death is there, they,
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90. uh, most likely would've pissed
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91. on themselves,
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92. He probably died
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93. instantaneously from the skull
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94. shattering on the ground and his
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95. brain herniating out into the
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96. street,
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97. His spine probably shattered
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98. along with the skull, and
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99. severed his spinal cord, killing
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100. him,
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101. >> Clearing brush in 110-Degree
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102. heat,
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103. >> Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,
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104. >> It's a dirty job, but
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105. someone's got to do it,
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106. Tiny and Dale just wish it
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107. wasn't them,
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108. The less than dynamic duo get
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109. the last of the branches to the
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110. top of the hill,
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111. Just one job left,
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112. Chipping,
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113. as machines go, a wood chipper
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114. is a low-Tech brute,
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115. Branches get fed in, spinning
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116. blades grind them up, and
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117. woodchips get spit out,
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118. But it's never easy with these
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119. two,
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120. The last branch gets stuck,
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121. There's a case of cold ones and
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122. a cage fight waiting for them
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123. back at tiny's,
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124. It was time to man up,
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125. Dale tries forcing the branch
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126. through with his feet,
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127. >>
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128. !
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129. >> Dale, what're you doing?
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130. what're you doing?
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131. >>
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132. >> Dale finds out the hard way,
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133. A machine made to destroy tree
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134. limbs can also destroy human
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135. limbs,
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136. >>
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137. >> help me!
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138. Help me!
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139. >> Unfortunately, he probably
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140. did feel everything that was
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141. going through him,
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142. Starting with the toes and the
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143. foot, just chewing through the
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144. tissue, ripping muscle from
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145. bone, tearing apart the bone
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146. itself,
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147. >> Dale gets turned into ground
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148. Chuck,
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149. Tiny gets a bloodbath,
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150. Is there a lesson to be learned
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151. from all this carnage?
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152. If you're this stupid, maybe you
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153. deserve to die,
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154. >> Eat paint, buggo!
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155. >> Up next,
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156. >> Yeah!
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157. >> Horny Hubby goes one on one
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158. with hornets,
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159. And two college kids find out
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160. that life's a ball when you die,
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161. >> Jack and Sally are like any
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162. other college sophomores,
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163. >>
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164. >> horny,
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165. By the looks of it, Jack's
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166. barking up the right tree,
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167. But then a vision appears,
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168. >> Check—Check this out,
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169. Check this out,
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170. >> Oh,
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171. >> Across the campus green,
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172. something draws them like moths
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173. to a flame,
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174. A giant basketball,
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175. A leftover from yesterday's pep
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176. rally,
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177. >> We have to get inside of this
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178. thing,
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179. >> The perfect place for a once
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180. in a lifetime quickie,
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181. >> Find me a hole, find me a
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182. hole,
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183. >> Sally finds the way in and
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184. pulls its zipper down faster
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185. than Jack's fly,
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186. A Peek inside leads to a
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187. surprising discovery,
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188. >>
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189. This is so cool!
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190. >> Their party balloon is filled
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191. with helium,
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192. >> Go in,
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193. >> Oh, yeah,
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194. Oh, my God,
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195. >> Both:
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196. >> Once inside their laughing
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197. gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are
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198. feeling no pain,
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199. >> Oh, my god, this is so cool!
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200. >> We're in a giant basketball,
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201. >> The thing we get when we go
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202. in the operating room,
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203. So they're actually going under
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204. anesthesia, slowly getting
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205. anesthetized, shutting down
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206. brain function,
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207. At the same time, they're
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208. asphyxiating, and it's gonna
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209. slowly produce a disordered
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210. neurotransmission in the brain,
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211. and shut Higher order centers in
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212. the brain off,
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213. >> At first it's all fun and
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214. games,
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215. But after a while, their
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216. lightheaded helium buzz becomes
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217. something else,
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218. >>
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219. >> something a lot worse,
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220. >> I feel so weird,
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221. >> Yeah,
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222. I think, uh—
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223. we should probably get some air
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224. really quick,
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225. >> These two college kids
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226. Should've hit the books a little
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227. Harder,
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228. A helium-Only environment might
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229. be fun to play in,
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230. You just can't live in it,
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231. >> Both:
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232. >> Jack and Sally spend their
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233. last moments disoriented, unable
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234. to find the magic zipper,
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235. >> Keep looking!
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236. >> finally succumbing to the
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237. lack of oxygen,
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238. Once they locked themselves
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239. inside their funhouse, it was
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240. only a matter of time before
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241. their fun turned to none,
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242. Like most guys from texas, j,T,
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243. Would rather be out drinking
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244. with his buddies than doing yard
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245. work,
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246. But he was no match for his
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247. smoking hot wife trixie,
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248. >> Oh, I gotta go,
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249. Oh, trixie, ma'am—
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250. Just taking a little water break
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251. here, is all,
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252. >> Do you like what you had last
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253. night?
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254. >> Oh, hell yeah I do,
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255. >> Are you horny for this, right
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256. here?
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257. >> Yeah, baby, I'm horny for
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258. some O' that,
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259. >> All right, well, put your
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260. stinger away and get rid of that
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261. hornets' nest,
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262. Do it,
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263. >> You're my queen!
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264. >> Threatening to turn off the
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265. nookie nozzle was more than j,T,
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266. Could bear,
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267. It was time to go to war,
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268. >> All right,
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269. Time to do my business,
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270. Come on,
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271. Come on!
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272. >> There are a few hundred
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273. hornets in this nest,
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274. You have to understand that
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275. insects do an important job in
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276. nature, whether they're harmful
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277. to us because we make the
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278. mistake of disturbing their nest
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279. or being in a place that they
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280. wanna be,
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281. >> Come on!
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282. >> J,T, Was striking out with
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283. the hornets,
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284. But this was texas,
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285. When all else fails, hit the gun
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286. rack,
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287. Being more of a suburban cowboy,
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288. j,T, Came back out clutching his
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289. weapon of CHOICE: A paintball
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290. gun,
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291. >> All right, then,
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292. You think you can come between
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293. me and the sanctimony of humpin'
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294. my wife?
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295. Well, eat paint, buggo!
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296. yeah!
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297. Oh, yeah!
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298. Who's the man?
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299. Who's the—
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300. Oh,
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301. >> j,T, Should've thought first
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302. and shot later,
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303. when threatened, hornets
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304. mobilize their entire nest to
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305. sting in defense,
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306. The first hornet in sprays him
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307. with a long pheromone,
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308. The other hornets use the scent
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309. of the pheromone to zero in on
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310. their target,
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311. >>
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312. >> now, j,T, Didn't know a lot
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313. about anything,
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314. Including himself,
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315. For example, he had no idea he
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316. was allergic to Bee venom,
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317. He had a severe reaction called
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318. anaphylaxis and collapsed,
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319. covered with welts from hundreds
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320. of hornets' stings,
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321. What this means is his blood
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322. vessels dilated, causing a drop
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323. in blood pressure,
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324. The airway to his throat and
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325. lungs became swollen, making
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326. breathing impossible,
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327. He quickly went into shock, and
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328. never recovered,
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329. >>
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330. >> j,T, Died a noble gunman,
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331. fighting for the booty rights to
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332. his texas maiden,
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333. Happy trails, cowboy,
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334. Coming up,
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335. a circus freak lives by the
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336. sword, and dies by the,
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337. umbrella?
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338. And a nymphomaniac finally meets
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339. her match,
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340. What's up, doc?
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341. >>
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342. >> come on inside,
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343. You're gonna see a show that
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344. you've never seen before,
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345. >> Boris was a desperate man,
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346. The recent economic downturn has
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347. made life hard,
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348. >> This is real and real
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349. dangerous, folks,
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350. So please don't try this at
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351. home,
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352. >> Especially for a seven-Foot
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353. sword swallower,
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354. He used to pack them in,
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355. Now, he was lucky to get a
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356. busload of blue hairs on their
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357. way to atlantic city,
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358. >> the key to pulling off a
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359. successful trick is getting the
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360. audience emotionally invested,
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361. If the audience doesn't like
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362. you, and they're not
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363. emotionally invested in you, uh,
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364. when you do this trick, they're
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365. gonna be watching it, um, kinda
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366. like an ancient Roman Audience
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367. would watch a gladiator,
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368. You know, they're watching it—
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369. "Let's see if he gets hurt,"
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370. And, um, that's, uh—That's not
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371. a good place to be,
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372. >> That's right,
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373. two blades at one time,
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374. >> Being a circus freak, Boris
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375. was willing to do anything to
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376. stay afloat,
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377. If one sword didn't wow them,
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378. how about two?
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379. >> This is extremely dangerous
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380. because at any moment, the
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381. swords could scissor, causing
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382. internal bleeding,
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383. >> ALL: Oh!
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384. >> And if that didn't do the
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385. trick, he'd take challenges from
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386. the audience,
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387. This day, some cranky, old
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388. pensioner handed him his
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389. umbrella,
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390. >> Hey, big guy, huh?
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391. How 'bout my umbrella, huh?
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392. Come on, let's see, let's see,
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393. >> Desperate times call for
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394. desperate measures,
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395. In a dramatic flourish, Boris
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396. hoisted the umbrella over his
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397. head, and proceeded to jam it
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398. down his big and tall gullet,
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399. It was a frightening and
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400. disgusting display,
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401. But the audience couldn't turn
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402. away,
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403. >> All: Oh, no!
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404. >> Oh, it's going down,
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405. >> Boris might've gotten away
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406. with nothing more than a sore
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407. throat, but his giant epiglottis
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408. hit the release mechanism, and
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409. the umbrella opened up, closing
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410. down his windpipe, and sealing
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411. the deal on Boris,
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412. >> Just about the stupidest
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413. thing I could ever think of
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414. Swallowing would be an umbrella,
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415. I've never done it, I never
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416. will,
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417. It could open up, and if that
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418. happens, a, it's gonna get
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419. lodged in, so you're not gonna
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420. be able to get it out, and in
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421. doing so, you're gonna be
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422. ripping the hell out of your
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423. esophagus,
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424. And also, your, uh, trachea is
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425. gonna be blocked, and your
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426. windpipe, and you won't be able
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427. to breathe,
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428. So you're—You're—
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429. You're screwed,
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430. >> he lived by the sword,
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431. He died by the,
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432. you got it,
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433. Umbrella,
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434. Some people just seem to ooze
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435. sexuality,
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436. Take Jennifer here,
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437. She can turn a trip to the
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438. supermarket into a lap dance of
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439. longing and lust,
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440. Not only is she sexy, she loves
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441. sex,
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442. Loves having it, loves thinking
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443. about it,
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444. Right now she's thinking about
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445. the hunk over there stacking
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446. cukes,
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447. But she's got a date with some
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448. girlfriends in from out of town,
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449. Too bad for you, cuke stacker,
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450. You have no idea what you're
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451. missing,
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452. Back home, Jennifer unpacks her
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453. day's catch,
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454. But all she can think about is
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455. release,
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456. She just can't shake that vision
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457. of stud boy hosing down the
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458. produce,
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459. >> Masturbation is an absolutely
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460. amazing thing,
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461. I think it's important for
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462. everyone to masturbate,
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463. It's such a great stress relief,
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464. it helps relieve the tension
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465. through your body, and let's
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466. face it, if you can't make
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467. yourself orgasm all alone, then
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468. sex just isn't the same,
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469. >> Turns out Jennifer could've
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470. done a better job shaving,
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471. her carrot,
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472. A rough edge sliced through her
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473. vaginal wall, and sent an AIR
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474. embolism racing up to her heart,
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475. >>
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476. >> There would be no happy
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477. ending to this veggie tale,
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478. >> Stranger things have
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479. happened,
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480. She tore part of her—Either
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481. vaginal WALL, or some part of
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482. her pelvic area,
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483. Air somehow got in during the
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484. masturbation process, into the
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485. arteries, and the air then went
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486. up to the heart and caused
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487. death,
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488. >> When we come back, a
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489. motorcycle racer goes to pieces
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490. on a dry lakebed,
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491. >> El mirage lakebed,
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492. san bernardino, california,
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493. A legendary meeting place for
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494. any gear heads, adrenaline
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495. junkie, or racing fan looking to
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496. push the speed envelope as fast
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497. as they dare,
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498. In this macho world, there's no
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499. bigger name than Ron cook,
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500. A 12-Time land speed record
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501. Holder, Ron's looking for lucky
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502. 13,
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503. His goal: 200 miles PER hour or
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504. better,
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505. To help him get there, he's
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506. equipped his bike with nitrous,
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507. Ron wants one simple THING: To
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508. be the fastest in the world,
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509. In less than seven seconds, he's
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510. already at 150 miles per hour,
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511. His record in reach, Ron hits
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512. the nitrous,
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513. >> Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider
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514. down, Rider down!
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515. Everybody move!
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516. >> It's the worst case scenario,
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517. Hitting the rock-Hard desert
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518. floor at 200 miles per hour is
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519. the equivalent of taking a
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520. 1,200-Pound blow straight to the
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521. head,
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522. Ron's a dead man, right?
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523. Think again,
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524. >> It's great to be alive, but
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525. at the same time, I'm thinking,
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526. oh, boy, you know, am I gonna
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527. have an arm?
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528. Am I gonna have a leg?
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529. I didn't know,
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530. >> Ron's injuries were
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531. extensive,
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532. The pain severe,
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533. >> I ended up having five broken
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534. bones in my right leg, four
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535. bones broken in my right arm,
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536. And I had a lot of bruises,
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537. cuts, uh, but also I had lotta
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538. 3rd and 4th-Degree burns,
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539. It's a wonder that I didn't die
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540. in that crash,
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541. I should've—Shoulda been dead,
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542. >> Ron never got the record he
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543. set out for, but he didn't walk
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544. away empty-Handed,
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545. >> The record I was trying to
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546. get was the over 200 mile an
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547. hour record, but I didn't get
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548. that one,
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549. The record I ended up getting,
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550. by default, was the guinness
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551. record for surviving the world's
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552. fastest motorcycle crash at 200
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553. miles an hour,
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