1000 Ways to Die 1x1

Directed by

Alana Evans as Self - Porn Star • Irena Murphy as Self - Model • Christine Nguyen as Self - Model • Michael Hanson as Jack • Kimberly Laferriere as Jennifer

208 Semi-cide A man is run over and cut in half by an 18-wheeler. 422 Constriction Accident A construction worker is buried under three tons of sand. 92 Fang Banged A drunk man falls onto a rattlesnake, which bites him near his heart. 832 Lesbocution A woman takes off her high heels and steps barefoot into a puddle with a live wire in it and is electrocuted. 125 Love Bugged A reclusive French amateur entomologist and herpetologist is bitten by his black widow spider. 640 Tumble Die A repairman is accidentally trapped inside an industrial clothes dryer.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Are you horny for this right

2. here?

3. Of course you are,

4. That's why you're watching the

5. next episode of 1,000 ways to

6. die,

7. Here you'll meet the lawyer

8. watch this,

9. who winds up taking the

10. fall,

11. The texan whose hot wife gives

12. him the hives,

13. Help me, trixie!

14. The sword swallower who bites

15. off more than he can Chew,

16. A sexaholic who goes organic,

17. Some crazy co-Eds who think

18. life's a gas,

19. This is so cool!

20. And a wood chipper with a

21. manly appetite,

22. life's good on 1,000 ways to

23. die,

24. Death is everywhere,

25. Most of us try to avoid it,

26. others can't get out of its way,

27. Every day, we fight a new war

28. against germs, toxins, injury,

29. illness, and catastrophe,

30. There's a lot of ways to wind up

31. dead,

32. The fact that we survive at all

33. is a Miracle,

34. Because every day we live

35. we face 1,000 ways to die,

36. Great view, isn't it?

37. Ian Campbell was very

38. impressed with his law firm's

39. new offices,

40. But the thing Ian was most

41. impressed with was himself,

42. Did you know I have a

43. lamborghini?

44. One of his favorite Pastimes

45. was hitting on the firm's new

46. female associates,

47. good places to eat,

48. You would think a smart

49. lawyer would know better,

50. But Ian was a sexual harassment

51. case in a $1,000 suit,

52. Partners at law firms have a

53. lot of power and influence over

54. the careers of brand new

55. associates,

56. You really need this job, and

57. you're really at this guy's

58. mercy,

59. Great view, isn't it?

60. Ian had a prank he liked to

61. play to impress the ladies,

62. In a conference room on the 40th

63. floor, he'd get a running start

64. and throw himself into the

65. window,

66. The tempered glass would always

67. bounce him back,

68. Tempered glass is just

69. unpredictable,

70. It was developed as a safety

71. technique so that people

72. wouldn't get cut on it,

73. But on sudden impact, it can

74. just explode,

75. This building's amazing,

76. Watch this,

77. Maybe this sleazebag lawyer

78. just ran out of luck

79. or maybe it was the way his

80. rolex caught the glass

81. Because Ian took a running

82. start,

83. And never stopped,

84. Oh, my god!

85. Once you discover that their

86. imminent death is there, they,

87. uh, most likely would've pissed

88. on themselves,

89. He probably died

90. instantaneously from the skull

91. shattering on the ground and his

92. brain herniating out into the

93. street,

94. His spine probably shattered

95. along with the skull, and

96. severed his spinal cord, killing

97. him,

98. Clearing brush in 110-Degree

99. heat,

100. Oh, Jessie, sure is hot,

101. It's a dirty job, but

102. someone's got to do it,

103. Tiny and Dale just wish it

104. wasn't them,

105. The less than dynamic duo get

106. the last of the branches to the

107. top of the hill,

108. Just one job left,

109. Chipping,

110. as machines go, a wood chipper

111. is a low-Tech brute,

112. Branches get fed in, spinning

113. blades grind them up, and

114. woodchips get spit out,

115. But it's never easy with these

116. two,

117. The last branch gets stuck,

118. There's a case of cold ones and

119. a cage fight waiting for them

120. back at tiny's,

121. It was time to man up,

122. Dale tries forcing the branch

123. through with his feet,

124. Dale, what're you doing?

125. what're you doing?

126. Dale finds out the hard way,

127. A machine made to destroy tree

128. limbs can also destroy human

129. limbs,

130. help me!

131. Help me!

132. Unfortunately, he probably

133. did feel everything that was

134. going through him,

135. Starting with the toes and the

136. foot, just chewing through the

137. tissue, ripping muscle from

138. bone, tearing apart the bone

139. itself,

140. Dale gets turned into ground

141. Chuck,

142. Tiny gets a bloodbath,

143. Is there a lesson to be learned

144. from all this carnage?

145. If you're this stupid, maybe you

146. deserve to die,

147. Eat paint, buggo!

148. Up next

149. Yeah!

150. Horny Hubby goes one on one

151. with hornets,

152. And two college kids find out

153. that life's a ball when you die,

154. Jack and Sally are like any

155. other college sophomores,

156. horny,

157. By the looks of it, Jack's

158. barking up the right tree,

159. But then a vision appears,

160. Check— Check this out,

161. Check this out,

162. Oh,

163. Across the campus green,

164. something draws them like moths

165. to a flame,

166. A giant basketball,

167. A leftover from yesterday's pep

168. rally,

169. We have to get inside of this

170. thing,

171. The perfect place for a once

172. in a lifetime quickie,

173. Find me a hole, find me a

174. hole,

175. Sally finds the way in and

176. pulls its zipper down faster

177. than Jack's fly,

178. A Peek inside leads to a

179. surprising discovery,

180. This is so cool!

181. Their party balloon is filled

182. with helium,

183. Go in,

184. Oh, yeah,

185. Oh, my God,

186. Once inside their laughing

187. gas Chamber, Sally and Jack are

188. feeling no pain,

189. Oh, my god, this is so cool!

190. We're in a giant basketball,

191. The thing we get when we go

192. in the operating room,

193. So they're actually going under

194. anesthesia, slowly getting

195. anesthetized, shutting down

196. brain function,

197. At the same time, they're

198. asphyxiating, and it's gonna

199. slowly produce a disordered

200. neurotransmission in the brain,

201. and shut Higher order centers in

202. the brain off,

203. At first it's all fun and

204. games,

205. But after a while, their

206. lightheaded helium buzz becomes

207. something else,

208. something a lot worse,

209. I feel so weird,

210. Yeah,

211. I think, uh—

212. we should probably get some air

213. really quick,

214. These two college kids

215. Should've hit the books a little

216. Harder,

217. A helium-Only environment might

218. be fun to play in,

219. You just can't live in it,

220. Jack and Sally spend their

221. last moments disoriented, unable

222. to find the magic zipper,

223. Keep looking!

224. finally succumbing to the

225. lack of oxygen,

226. Once they locked themselves

227. inside their funhouse, it was

228. only a matter of time before

229. their fun turned to none,

230. Like most guys from texas, j,T,

231. Would rather be out drinking

232. with his buddies than doing yard

233. work,

234. But he was no match for his

235. smoking hot wife trixie,

236. Oh, I gotta go,

237. Oh, trixie, ma'am—

238. Just taking a little water break

239. here, is all,

240. Do you like what you had last

241. night?

242. Oh, hell yeah I do,

243. Are you horny for this, right

244. here?

245. Yeah, baby, I'm horny for

246. some O' that,

247. All right, well, put your

248. stinger away and get rid of that

249. hornets' nest,

250. Do it,

251. You're my queen!

252. Threatening to turn off the

253. nookie nozzle was more than j,T,

254. Could bear,

255. It was time to go to war,

256. All right,

257. Time to do my business,

258. Come on,

259. Come on!

260. There are a few hundred

261. hornets in this nest,

262. You have to understand that

263. insects do an important job in

264. nature, whether they're harmful

265. to us because we make the

266. mistake of disturbing their nest

267. or being in a place that they

268. wanna be,

269. Come on!

270. J,T, Was striking out with

271. the hornets,

272. But this was texas,

273. When all else fails, hit the gun

274. rack,

275. Being more of a suburban cowboy,

276. j,T, Came back out clutching his

277. weapon of CHOICE: A paintball

278. gun,

279. All right, then,

280. You think you can come between

281. me and the sanctimony of humpin'

282. my wife?

283. Well, eat paint, buggo!

284. yeah!

285. Oh, yeah!

286. Who's the man?

287. Who's the—

288. Oh,

289. j,T, Should've thought first

290. and shot later,

291. when threatened, hornets

292. mobilize their entire nest to

293. sting in defense,

294. The first hornet in sprays him

295. with a long pheromone,

296. The other hornets use the scent

297. of the pheromone to zero in on

298. their target,

299. now, j,T, Didn't know a lot

300. about anything,

301. Including himself,

302. For example, he had no idea he

303. was allergic to Bee venom,

304. He had a severe reaction called

305. anaphylaxis and collapsed,

306. covered with welts from hundreds

307. of hornets' stings,

308. What this means is his blood

309. vessels dilated, causing a drop

310. in blood pressure,

311. The airway to his throat and

312. lungs became swollen, making

313. breathing impossible,

314. He quickly went into shock, and

315. never recovered,

316. j,T, Died a noble gunman,

317. fighting for the booty rights to

318. his texas maiden,

319. Happy trails, cowboy,

320. Coming up

321. a circus freak lives by the

322. sword, and dies by the

323. umbrella?

324. And a nymphomaniac finally meets

325. her match,

326. What's up, doc?

327. come on inside,

328. You're gonna see a show that

329. you've never seen before,

330. Boris was a desperate man,

331. The recent economic downturn has

332. made life hard,

333. This is real and real

334. dangerous, folks,

335. So please don't try this at

336. home,

337. Especially for a seven-Foot

338. sword swallower,

339. He used to pack them in,

340. Now, he was lucky to get a

341. busload of blue hairs on their

342. way to atlantic city,

343. the key to pulling off a

344. successful trick is getting the

345. audience emotionally invested,

346. If the audience doesn't like

347. you, and they're not

348. emotionally invested in you, uh,

349. when you do this trick, they're

350. gonna be watching it, um, kinda

351. like an ancient Roman Audience

352. would watch a gladiator,

353. You know, they're watching it—

354. "Let's see if he gets hurt,"

355. And, um, that's, uh— That's not

356. a good place to be,

357. That's right,

358. two blades at one time,

359. Being a circus freak, Boris

360. was willing to do anything to

361. stay afloat,

362. If one sword didn't wow them,

363. how about two?

364. This is extremely dangerous

365. because at any moment, the

366. swords could scissor, causing

367. internal bleeding,

368. Oh!

369. And if that didn't do the

370. trick, he'd take challenges from

371. the audience,

372. This day, some cranky, old

373. pensioner handed him his

374. umbrella,

375. Hey, big guy, huh?

376. How 'bout my umbrella, huh?

377. Come on, let's see, let's see,

378. Desperate times call for

379. desperate measures,

380. In a dramatic flourish, Boris

381. hoisted the umbrella over his

382. head, and proceeded to jam it

383. down his big and tall gullet,

384. It was a frightening and

385. disgusting display,

386. But the audience couldn't turn

387. away,

388. Oh, no!

389. Oh, it's going down,

390. Boris might've gotten away

391. with nothing more than a sore

392. throat, but his giant epiglottis

393. hit the release mechanism, and

394. the umbrella opened up, closing

395. down his windpipe, and sealing

396. the deal on Boris,

397. Just about the stupidest

398. thing I could ever think of

399. Swallowing would be an umbrella,

400. I've never done it, I never

401. will,

402. It could open up, and if that

403. happens, a, it's gonna get

404. lodged in, so you're not gonna

405. be able to get it out, and in

406. doing so, you're gonna be

407. ripping the hell out of your

408. esophagus,

409. And also, your, uh, trachea is

410. gonna be blocked, and your

411. windpipe, and you won't be able

412. to breathe,

413. So you're— You're—

414. You're screwed,

415. he lived by the sword,

416. He died by the

417. you got it,

418. Umbrella,

419. Some people just seem to ooze

420. sexuality,

421. Take Jennifer here,

422. She can turn a trip to the

423. supermarket into a lap dance of

424. longing and lust,

425. Not only is she sexy, she loves

426. sex,

427. Loves having it, loves thinking

428. about it,

429. Right now she's thinking about

430. the hunk over there stacking

431. cukes,

432. But she's got a date with some

433. girlfriends in from out of town,

434. Too bad for you, cuke stacker,

435. You have no idea what you're

436. missing,

437. Back home, Jennifer unpacks her

438. day's catch,

439. But all she can think about is

440. release,

441. She just can't shake that vision

442. of stud boy hosing down the

443. produce,

444. Masturbation is an absolutely

445. amazing thing,

446. I think it's important for

447. everyone to masturbate,

448. It's such a great stress relief,

449. it helps relieve the tension

450. through your body, and let's

451. face it, if you can't make

452. yourself orgasm all alone, then

453. sex just isn't the same,

454. Turns out Jennifer could've

455. done a better job shaving

456. her carrot,

457. A rough edge sliced through her

458. vaginal wall, and sent an AIR

459. embolism racing up to her heart,

460. There would be no happy

461. ending to this veggie tale,

462. Stranger things have

463. happened,

464. She tore part of her— Either

465. vaginal WALL, or some part of

466. her pelvic area,

467. Air somehow got in during the

468. masturbation process, into the

469. arteries, and the air then went

470. up to the heart and caused

471. death,

472. When we come back, a

473. motorcycle racer goes to pieces

474. on a dry lakebed,

475. El mirage lakebed,

476. san bernardino, california,

477. A legendary meeting place for

478. any gear heads, adrenaline

479. junkie, or racing fan looking to

480. push the speed envelope as fast

481. as they dare,

482. In this macho world, there's no

483. bigger name than Ron cook,

484. A 12-Time land speed record

485. Holder, Ron's looking for lucky

486. 13,

487. His goal: 200 miles PER hour or

488. better,

489. To help him get there, he's

490. equipped his bike with nitrous,

491. Ron wants one simple THING: To

492. be the fastest in the world,

493. In less than seven seconds, he's

494. already at 150 miles per hour,

495. His record in reach, Ron hits

496. the nitrous,

497. Voice over LOUDSPEAKER: Rider

498. down, Rider down!

499. Everybody move!

500. It's the worst case scenario,

501. Hitting the rock-Hard desert

502. floor at 200 miles per hour is

503. the equivalent of taking a

504. 1,200-Pound blow straight to the

505. head,

506. Ron's a dead man, right?

507. Think again,

508. It's great to be alive, but

509. at the same time, I'm thinking,

510. oh, boy, you know, am I gonna

511. have an arm?

512. Am I gonna have a leg?

513. I didn't know,

514. Ron's injuries were

515. extensive,

516. The pain severe,

517. I ended up having five broken

518. bones in my right leg, four

519. bones broken in my right arm,

520. And I had a lot of bruises,

521. cuts, uh, but also I had lotta

522. 3rd and 4th-Degree burns,

523. It's a wonder that I didn't die

524. in that crash,

525. I should've— Shoulda been dead,

526. Ron never got the record he

527. set out for, but he didn't walk

528. away empty-Handed,

529. The record I was trying to

530. get was the over 200 mile an

531. hour record, but I didn't get

532. that one,

533. The record I ended up getting,

534. by default, was the guinness

535. record for surviving the world's

536. fastest motorcycle crash at 200

537. miles an hour,