Trailer Park Boys 4x6

1. - Look at all this trampled! - All right, calm down.

2. Look at all the weed that's fucking ruined!

3. Look at this, boys. This is fucking snapped.

4. These are all fucking trampled.

5. There's a goddamned fucking road running through here.

6. Everything was going so fucking good.

7. Like, all the plants were growing.

8. We planted all four fields.

9. They're growing a lot bigger than I expected.

10. But, no, something had to fuck it up,

11. and now I've got weed being crushed

12. and plants snapped off.

13. And something or something is fucking around here

14. and it's pissing me off.

15. Somebody is definitely fucking with our weed.

16. Or something is.

17. Here, boys. Potato guns.

18. You just spray hairspray in the bottom there

19. and then hit it with these barbeque lighters

20. and a fucking potato will shot out of there

21. about 400 miles an hour.

22. Here's the hairspray, boys. These are the lighters, okay?

23. And be careful, 'cause they really fucking hurt.

24. I shot myself in the face by accident one time.

25. Come on, man. Why don't we got real gun?

26. Do you want to go to jail? Don't screw this up, Cory.

27. - Geez! - Don't fuck this up, boys.

28. - Yo, we got this. - You're making me look bad.

29. Are you guys fucked in the head?

30. We're over here. Take off the blindfolds.

31. And don't fuck those up. They're my hockey socks.

32. Trevor, hands down.

33. Listen.

34. - What the fuck is that? - Listen.

35. Holy fuck, boys, what if it's a samsquantch?

36. It could be. They don't exist, bubbles.

37. Julian, you try telling that to all the people

38. that got eaten by the dirty bastards.

39. Boys, I'll tell you who it is. It's probably fucking lahey.

40. God, I hope it's not a samsquantch.

41. Fuck, I hate those bastards.

42. Holy shit! Holy fuck! Get the fuck off!

43. Ow! Fuck! Ow!

44. Help me, Cory! Jesus, fuck!

45. Ow, fuck! I'm fucking shot, you idiots!

46. Fuck!

47. You all right, man?

48. Fuck, something's got them!

49. - Come on, get up. - Boys!

50. What the fuck's going on over there?

51. Boys, what was it?

52. Man, I don't fucking know.

53. Oh, my god, boys.

54. We are officially dealing with a fucking samsquantch.

55. It's probably a fucking ten-footer,

56. by the looks of that stuff.

57. Could somebody check and see if my back's cut up, please?

58. Turn around.

59. - Holy shit, dude. - Oh, yeah, yeah. He'll be okay.

60. Can we get the fuck out of here, please?

61. We should probably get these guys to the hospital anyway.

62. - Boys, no fucking way, man. - Come on, Ricky, I'm scared.

63. We gotta leave these guys here to protect the weed plant.

64. No, no, no. These guys are hurt, Ricky.

65. We're taking them back to the park.

66. We gotta regroup and figure out what the hell that thing was.

67. I'll tell you right now,

68. they're not getting in my fucking car.

69. They're bleeding. Come on.

70. Blood doesn't come out, boys.

71. You're not fucking getting in my car.

72. Here, Ricky, give me the chips.

73. Hold this, Julian.

74. Here.

75. Here. Ow! Fuck, bubbles.

76. They're salt-and-vinegar. Ow, what are you doing?

77. - Bandages. - You know what?

78. All you guys do now is complain.

79. I'm gonna start calling you "little complain-y twins."

80. How would you like that?

81. We're not that hurt, Ricky.

82. We can probably finish the shift if you want.

83. We can go back to work. Let's go, Cory.

84. Oh, no, boys, let's go. We'll get you fixed up.

85. You're gonna fucking bleed to death. Come on.

86. Fuck, boys, the lights are on. She's probably fucking awake.

87. She's gonna be wild, Rick.

88. - I did try. I tried— - shhh!

89. - Ow! Oh, that's awful. - Guys, listen to me—

90. where the fuck have you guys been?

91. You guys are gonna have to work in the morning, all right?

92. Holy fuck. What happened to you guys? What'd you do, Ricky?

93. Nothing. You know what?

94. We found these guys drunk in a ditch.

95. They were on drugs, beating each other up.

96. As a friend, I brought them home so they didn't hurt each other.

97. They'll tell you some other lies,

98. but that's what happened.

99. - That's bullshit, Ricky. - Trevor, smokes, let's go.

100. - Trevor, don't you dare. - Trevor, let's go.

101. Let's go.

102. I only have one left. I wanna save it for the morning.

103. - Trevor, give me the smoke. - Give me that fucking smoke.

104. Let's go.

105. You know what, Ricky?

106. I know you didn't find them drunk in a ditch somewhere.

107. You took them out, and you fucked them over again.

108. Do you know these guys talk about how cool you are

109. all the fucking time?

110. They worship the fucking ground you walk on,

111. and you treat them like shit.

112. You should try being nice to them for a change.

113. - We love you, Ricky. - Hands down, you guys.

114. Trevor, let's go, light.

115. You want to get into this respect bullshit, okay,

116. I'm willing to give these two guys the responsibility

117. of protecting the most important thing in my life right now.

118. That's big-time respect and trust.

119. I'm gonna pay them four bucks an hour.

120. You don't get it, Julian.

121. I'm gonna take them inside and get them cleaned up

122. and you guys can get the fuck out of here

123. and take care of your own little fucking dope plants.

124. Cory and Trevor, inside right now. Go!

125. I wouldn't mind making four bucks an hour, Sarah.

126. We'd love to hang out with you guys and hire you,

127. but apparently it's clear to see who makes the pants here.

128. Sarah, they wanna hang out with us. Please.

129. Inside, right now. Right now. Go!

130. What about tomorrow? Can we have them tomorrow?

131. No. You can't ever have them again, Ricky.

132. Go fuck yourself.

133. - Go fuck myself? - Sorry, Sarah.

134. Cory, we'll pick you guys up in the morning, all right?

135. She is pissed.

136. What the fuck did they do to you?

137. Boys, we gotta figure out what the fuck that thing was

138. and deal with this dope problem.

139. We're not gonna have enough money to buy the park

140. if this keeps happening, boys.

141. - Look. Look. - We're fucked.

142. I figured it out, man. It's no big deal.

143. I'm gonna get a tent,

144. and I'm gonna go fucking camp in that field.

145. Five, ten guns. A big bag of dope.

146. I'm gonna fucking take care of it.

147. I'm going to that field and one of us isn't coming out alive.

148. It's not gonna be me.

149. It's gonna be that fucking whatever-it-is

150. no guns, Ricky.

151. Go to bed, all right?

152. We've gotta get up early tomorrow.

153. Ricky, will you hang out with me in my shed for a bit.

154. - Got any food? - I got bologna.

155. Julian, you want a bologna sandwich?

156. Slow-fry bologna?

157. - I'll take one sandwich. - Hang out with me for a bit.

158. Yeah, since, uh,

159. Randy and I have been back in charge,

160. we've been making great strides at collecting the back rent

161. and beautifying sunnyvale.

162. Now Barb says that Ricky and the jackass trio

163. are threatening to take it all away.

164. Those idiots won't be buying anything except a one-way ticket

165. back to con college,

166. and they'll be on full scholarship when they get there.

167. Ricky, check this out.

168. It's some kind of a nest or a bed or something, man.

169. Jesus Christ.

170. Julian, I've been watching the crocodile hunter, man,

171. and it shouldn't be that fucking hard to catch this thing.

172. Boys, come here. Look what I found!

173. Here's where the big son of a whore's been

174. fucking running out of the field.

175. Holy fuck! Look at all the fucking weed.

176. Bubbles, hold the binoculars.

177. If this thing is down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him.

178. I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with the net

179. and we're gonna have to beat him

180. with every fucking thing we got.

181. I could need some help from you dicks, all right.

182. You hear that there, Mr. microphone man?

183. If we get these thing down tonight,

184. you fucking jump in and help us!

185. Frickin' idiot.

186. - Frig off, Ricky. - Don't tell me to frig off.

187. If he attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.

188. Boys, I slipped in poop!

189. Bigfoot poop!

190. Do I got bigfoot poop on me?

191. For fuck's sakes.

192. Holy shit, boys, don't move.

193. So that's who's been eating our weed.

194. You little fuck. Okay, you guys stay here.

195. I'll throw a net on him, put him in a headlock,

196. and choke him out.

197. Ricky, put the net down.

198. You're not fucking choking him out.

199. - Why? - It's just a big kitty, boys.

200. I can deal with this. I know kitties.

201. What if he has radies?

202. Ricky, it's rabies, with a "b".

203. Not radies.

204. And he doesn't have rabies.

205. He's been eating weed for a fucking month.

206. He's baked out of his goddamned mind.

207. I can tell just the way he's standing there.

208. He only did that to Trevor

209. because he had that leopard-print jacket on.

210. See? H's just a big, stoned, horny kitty

211. with the munchies.

212. Trevor was eating chips too. Who's a good boy?

213. Bubbles, we gotta get rid of this fucking cat.

214. Ricky, he's beautiful! We're not getting rid of him.

215. We're taking him back to the trailer park

216. and putting him through rehab. Come on, boy.

217. Fuck. Julian, this is fucked!

218. Who's a good boy?

219. You look kind of French, with your little mustache.

220. I'm gonna call you Steve French.

221. That's a good name for you. Who's a good boy?

222. Steve French.

223. Boys, we gotta get some food into Steve French, I'd say,

224. or he's gonna start getting wild again.

225. What do you got to eat in there, Julian?

226. - I've got some fajitas. - Fajitas will work perfect.

227. All we gotta do is grind up a little bit of dope

228. and put it in with them to start weaning him off the stuff.

229. Get some dope out, Ricky. Come on, I know you got some.

230. I only got personal left, boys.

231. I'm not giving him any fucking dope.

232. Ricky, I know you got a bunch in that caddie. Go grab some.

233. Come on, Ricky, he needs dope,

234. and he's just a helpless little kitty.

235. Aren't you?

236. Bubbles, listen to me.

237. This isn't a helpless little kitty,

238. this is a dangerous fucking kitty.

239. You know he's gotta go, right?

240. Remember the saying,

241. "if you love something, set it free"?

242. I know. "If it comes back, it's yours.

243. If it doesn't, it never was"

244. I've heard it a thousand times, but he needs our help right now,

245. and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas.

246. Now, let's do it. This is all I got left.

247. And I'll tell you right now, I'll give him some,

248. but I'm eating half those fajitas.

249. You hear me there, Steve,

250. or whatever the fuck your name is?

251. Steve French.

252. Julian, don't let him eat all the fajitas.

253. They're for Steve French.

254. Get your hands off the fajitas.

255. I'm eating half of them!

256. You hang on, okay, Steve French?

257. Climb up there, hang out

258. and give me two seconds,

259. and I'll have a big plate of weed-jitas for ya.

260. Mr. lahey!

261. There's— there's a tiger outside.

262. It's eating—

263. it ate my cheeseburgers! Mr. lahey!

264. Some kind of tiger.

265. It attacked me. It ate seven cheeseburgers!

266. Randy, you set up this elaborate charade

267. to cover eating seven cheeseburgers?

268. You ate seven cheeseburgers?

269. Randy, you promised me this would never happen again.

270. Mr. lahey, I'm not lying about this.

271. It was a great big tiger thing.

272. And look, it puts it's teeth right through the mustard

273. and ate all the burgers!

274. I'm not lying, Mr. lahey.

275. - Tiger, huh? - Steve French!

276. Maybe those jerks have something to do with this?

277. Lahey, did you see anything weird going on around here?

278. Yeah, Randy just got attacked by a tiger.

279. That's right. It ate seven burgers, Julian!

280. - I'm calling the authorities. - Lahey, think about that.

281. You're gonna call George green and tell him Randy got attacked

282. by a tiger that ate his cheeseburgers?

283. Come on, it was probably Randy. It wasn't.

284. Randy, get a net. I'm gonna get my bow.

285. I'm gonna the bottom of this, and you better not be behind it.

286. Lahey, you're gonna look like an idiot again. Fuck!

287. Viagra?

288. Julian, we found him.

289. Well, lock him in your shed, bubbles

290. he was down, fucking around with Donny's garbage

291. and then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car.

292. All right, you go lay down right there, Steve French, okay?

293. And I'll be right with you.

294. You just have a nice nap.

295. Close it up, Ricky. Close it up, Julian.

296. Boys, we gotta get some weed into him, I'm telling you.

297. Before we let him go.

298. What the fuck are you guys doing?

299. This is private fucking property!

300. We know there's a fucking animal in here, Ricky.

301. Tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's going on?

302. What the hell are you talking about, lahey, you idiot?

303. Look, this is none of your fucking business.

304. You know what?

305. We all know what's going on here.

306. You're trying to fill my feet.

307. Guess what, lahey, you will never, ever be

308. the fucking trailer park supervisor I was.

309. Got that?

310. You're fucking losing it, bud. You know what, Ricky?

311. You already lost it. It's gone, bud.

312. Whatever it is, whatever you are.

313. Gone.

314. He who looks into the abyss

315. realizes that there's nothing looking back at him.

316. They only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky.

317. You understand, bud?

318. The abyss? The shit abyss?

319. Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

320. What does it mean, then, Randy, huh?

321. What the fuck does it mean? I understand it.

322. Oh, you do, do you? No, you don't.

323. Because it's fucked.

324. Because everything you assholes say,

325. you fucking take from books.

326. Guess what.

327. I don't steal anything from books.

328. You guys get the fuck out of here.

329. Get the fuck out of here!

330. I'm serious. Fucking take your net with you.

331. - Frig off, Ricky! - Oh, we caught a little animal!

332. Oh, there's a big fucking animal in the trailer park!

333. Fucking dicks. Get the fuck out of here!

334. Shit abyss.

335. I'm not a-scared of the fucking shit abyss.

336. Lahey's fucked.

337. Yeah, well, if lahey sees Steve French

338. and calls the department of lands and forests,

339. we're fucked, boys.

340. What the fuck would

341. the department of lands and forests do?

342. Did you see that tattoo under Steve French's ear?

343. - No. - Well, there's one there,

344. and they use it for tracking, Rick.

345. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field.

346. Cops, jail. Fuck jail.

347. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky.

348. Not gonna happen, man.

349. Julian, don't be dissing jail, man.

350. We've had some good fucking parties in there,

351. and we got good friends in there.

352. I mean, they fed you, you used their gym.

353. Come on, don't be dissing jail.

354. It's not fucking cool. Boys, boys, boys.

355. Right now, we gotta find somewhere

356. to put Steve French for a little while.

357. That's the task at hand.

358. Oh, where j-roc used to hide his skin mags.

359. Come on, Steve French.

360. I don't know, boys.

361. He might get scared under there.

362. He'll be fine, bubbles.

363. It's just for an hour or so,

364. until we can figure something out.

365. You hide under there, Steve French,

366. and we'll be back for you.

367. All right, boys, I'll go rig up one of my—

368. holy—man, get him off me!

369. J-roc?

370. Who let that thing out of the zoo?

371. J-roc?

372. The fuck are you motherfuckers doing here?

373. You know what I'm sayin'?

374. Boys, calm down. That's my kitty in there.

375. You need to control that motherfucker, man.

376. - He won't hurt you. He's just— - yeah, okay. A lion, yeah.

377. I got a question.

378. What the fuck are you doing here?

379. Thought you were in jail.

380. Motherfucker, as far as you're concerned,

381. I am in jail, know what I'm saying?

382. My moms don't even know, yo.

383. D.b.s, tell that man.

384. He only got sentenced to community service, man,

385. and community service does not sell records, man.

386. All right, all right. So let me get this straight.

387. You're hiding underneath the trailer,

388. pretending you're in jail?

389. I ain't pretending I'm in—

390. a'ight, I am pretending I'm in jail.

391. Know what I'm sayin'? I had no idea. I thought-

392. - don't tell nobody, though!

393. Fuck the police. Hos and heroes.

394. You know what I'm sayin'? My new record—

395. boys, can we talk about getting some weed

396. maybe into Steve French and calming him down?

397. Bubbles, where the fuck did you find a lion at, man?

398. It's a long story.

399. - I ain't going back there. - Fuck that, man!

400. Ah, fuck! He's gone!

401. Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer?

402. What are you doing?

403. Holy shit!

404. Trevor!

405. Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

406. That's for fire, Randy.

407. Trevor, ball up, boy!

408. Ball up!

409. Make yourself as small as possible!

410. Trevor, what the fuck is going on here?

411. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone.

412. Jesus, why does he have no pants on?

413. Your tiger was chasing Trevor,

414. and he went inside the trailer to hide.

415. Then he went that way. Which way?

416. Oh, my god. Did he do things to Trevor?

417. Yeah, he did, bubbles. That's the last straw.

418. I'm gonna call in the heavies.

419. - Fuck. - Mr. lahey, please.

420. Can you please, please, don't do that?

421. This is a dangerous situation, bubbles.

422. I have no choice,

423. but as trailer park supervisor, to make the call.

424. Fuck you, lahey,

425. and your little trailer park supervisor bullshit!

426. You don't even know what a fucking supervisor is.

427. Randy, where is he? He went that way, Ricky.

428. Jim, Jim. Jim. You sure you want to do that?

429. Cause it'd be a real shame if everybody in this trailer park

430. knew about those Viagra burgers.

431. I'll tell Ricky.

432. All right, Julian,

433. you have two hours to get the situation under control.

434. Thanks, Jim.

435. Steve French!

436. Here kitty, kitty. Steve French!

437. Steve French! Julian, this is fucked, man.

438. We gotta deal with this.

439. First it fucks over 50 grams worth of dope,

440. now it's fucking over the park.

441. Ricky, we're getting that cat out of here today.

442. What's he eating?

443. Steve French, there you are.

444. One, Steve French: Zero.

445. Mm, Turkey and garbage juice.

446. Steve French.

447. Steve French, you just relax, okay?

448. Who's a good boy?

449. You go lay down. Ah, fuck!

450. - You go lay down. - Listen, Sarah.

451. You can hear him. He's in there, that's who did it.

452. Yeah, I hear him. It's okay, Trevor.

453. Ricky, you want to tell me why there's a mountain lion

454. trying to bang one of my boyfriends?

455. - There isn't. - Look, I can explain it all.

456. I know he looks like a big, ferocious, crazy thing.

457. But he's not; He's just a little kitty at heart,

458. and he's mixed up 'cause he's hooked on the weed.

459. Trevor, if you took this off,

460. that has the leopard print on it,

461. he probably wouldn't try to do things to you.

462. He wasn't trying to kill you.

463. He just found you attractive, probably,

464. 'cause you do kind of have a long, slender body.

465. Fucked up again, Trevor. Nice going.

466. Let's go. Fuck!

467. Ricky, get this cat out of here, or I'm pressing charges.

468. There are kids that live here, for god's sake.

469. You know, children, family.

470. I know what fucking kids are, Lucy.

471. I'm a hell of a lot better father

472. than you'll ever fucking be.

473. You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

474. Actually, yes, I do.

475. All he needs is, like, 100, 125 tins

476. of really high-quality cat food,

477. and that will distract him from the weed.

478. I promise. He's not a bad kitty.

479. Not that much weed, Ricky, that's good.

480. We're trying to wean him off the stuff,

481. not get him hooked on it.

482. You can't get addicted to weed.

483. You did a good thing here, buddy.

484. I know. Look at him go.

485. He doesn't need hardly any weed,

486. and he's all calm.

487. I could keep you forever.

488. Bubbles, he's not a shed kitty.

489. He belongs in the wild. You know that.

490. Yeah, bubbles, I mean, look,

491. we'll just take him, and we'll let him go free.

492. Just like a little test. And if he comes back,

493. it forever was, just like the saying.

494. It's the best thing for him.

495. I know.

496. Well, we're gonna have to take him to the other side

497. of the mountain to let him go then,

498. and we'll just have to modify one of my food dispensers

499. to put a little less weed in his food every day.

500. That should work fine, I guess.

501. There's no fool like an old fool.

502. The shit abyss. Hey, boys.

503. Hey, Jules.

504. We're taking the mountain lion out of the park now.

505. Thanks for not being a dick on this one, Jim.

506. - No prob. - Appreciate it.

507. Ooh.

508. He's wasted, Julian.

509. I didn't tell anybody about that Viagra thing, okay?

510. Does that stuff work? Oh, yeah.

511. The shit abyss.

512. Mr. lahey, not another night of the shit abyss.

513. Please? Ah, fuck it.

514. Come on, Steve French, in you go.

515. We're going for a little drive.

516. There you go.

517. - What's that fucking smell? - Keep driving, Rick.

518. Steve, I know you didn't shit on my seat.

519. No, everything's cool, Rick.

520. - Ricky? - What?

521. Steve French pooped on the seat.

522. Come on, Steve French.

523. Come on, now.

524. Look. Come here.

525. Now I rigged this dope contraption up for you,

526. and the way I got it geared,

527. a little less dope will come out each—

528. aw, you don't give a fuck!

529. Look, you just press your paw onto there.

530. Like that, see?

531. And then the dope will drop out here, okay?

532. It's time, buddy.

533. Rick.

534. Okay, come here, little buddy.

535. I'm gonna unhook you.

536. You're free.

537. - Ah, fuck. - Shit!

538. Boys, if you love something, you set it free,

539. and if it comes back to you, it's yours.

540. But you can't keep him, buddy.

541. If it comes back, it's yours.

542. You gotta get out now.

543. I gotta take you to the wild.

544. Come on, Steve French.

545. Come on now, look.

546. This is for the best, apparently,

547. so you're gonna have to go now.

548. So go on, git.

549. Go on.

550. Get going and stop looking at me

551. with those big fucking cute saucer eyes of yours.

552. Just go on.

553. Look over there, Steve.

554. Look at her.

555. Go on, Steve French,

556. go get her.

557. Show her how you jump

558. and show her that big package of yours.

559. Good kitty.

560. You did the right thing, buddy.

561. I know.

562. Thanks, boys.

563. Are you guys crying?

564. No, we're not fucking crying.