Trailer Park Boys 3x7

1. - Hit 'em, Ricky. - Owww.

2. Relax, dude. It's just a game.

3. It's the fucking championship game, Trevor.

4. Nice hit, Ricky. Nice hit.

5. Give it to him Ricky.

6. Well, today is the anniversary of the day Mr. lahey

7. got kicked off the force, so I'm trying to cheer him up.

8. Especially after what happened last week.

9. And they still haven't fixed that yet.

10. So I'm making Mr. lahey some comfort food.

11. I picked these buttercups

12. and froze them here in this ice cube tray.

13. I saw it on the designer guys. It's a great show.

14. Here's your drink Mr. lahey.

15. Oh, thanks rand.

16. Come on Corey, get her. Get her, Corey, you can do it.

17. Fuck off, Trevor.

18. Third man. Third man in right here.

19. Oh, aw, I give, I give, I give.

20. Good fight. Good fight.

21. Third man in, he still got beat up by a girl.

22. That's is. I get fucking penalty shot.

23. I still have my stick.

24. I could have scored there.

25. Penalty shot for Ricky.

26. Get the fuck out of the way Trevor.

27. That's a penalty shot.

28. It's fucking lemonade.

29. Haven't we got anything stronger than that?

30. Shit.

31. I remember the first time I put it on.

32. I can't deal with this, Randy, not today.

33. That's okay, Mr. lahey. Everything's fine.

34. Let's just go to the liquor store.

35. Good idea, Randy.

36. I'm getting drunk today, big-time.

37. Lahey, I know you're fucking in there,

38. and I know you can hear me. Give us back our fucking ball.

39. I don't have time for your bullshit today.

40. Ricky, can't we just have one day of no yelling

41. and no horseshit and just play some fucking hockey.

42. Mr. lahey, can you please give us our ball back?

43. Give us back our fucking ball, you drunk son of a bitch.

44. Boys, boys, boys, boys, Ricky, Jesus.

45. Rick, Rick, Rick, don't get him going.

46. We don't need lahey fucking up our plans later.

47. It's not worth it.

48. Over the past couple of weeks,

49. I don't know what is going on with lahey.

50. He is drinking a lot more. He is fucking drunk today.

51. And he better watch it,

52. 'cause he's starting to push my buttons,

53. and that's not cool,

54. 'cause I'm not going to allow that to happen.

55. It's like he's got these things going on upstairs

56. in his brain compartment that aren't working properly.

57. He's got these fucking pike-ological shit going on,

58. and he better watch himself; He's going to get hammered.

59. Randy's got our ball, I bet.

60. Calm down, guys; Calm down here.

61. Julian, a word, please.

62. Julian, I just wanted to ask you,

63. and I'm asking nicely here,

64. would you guys mind not fucking around

65. with Mr. lahey today, please.

66. Where the fuck is our ball at, no shirt boy.

67. Just a little respect, Julian. That's all I'm asking for.

68. Randy, just give us our ball back.

69. It's the third period. We're almost done.

70. And we're going to play no matter what you say anyway.

71. Fine, then. Sorry Julian. It's Saturday.

72. I'm the weekend trailer park supervisor.

73. The game is over. I'm shutting it down.

74. Oh, come on, Randy.

75. Have it your way then, Randy. Have fun dealing with Ricky.

76. Rick, you've got permission to do whatever you want here.

77. Thanks, buddy.

78. Julian, do you think that's a good idea?

79. Mr. lahey, they're determined to not to stop the game.

80. Mr. lahey, you're wearing your old uniform.

81. Yeah. Change is as good as the rest, Randy.

82. I want that fucking ball back.

83. They want the ball back.

84. We gonna give it to them, Randy?

85. I'm not giving the ball back, Mr. lahey.

86. That would relinquish control of the park.

87. I'm proud of you, boy.

88. I taught you well.

89. Let's go to the l.C.

90. Trevor, can you go and buy us a ball?

91. I want the game ball.

92. Ray, Kojak got a wig on.

93. Ray.

94. Ray, Kojak do got a wig on.

95. Holy fuck, lahey, it's not Halloween yet.

96. Or are you and Randy rehearsing for one

97. of those plays you're always in.

98. What is it, dress up as drunk cop day, lahey?

99. Or is it give us our fucking ball back day, huh?

100. Mr. lahey?

101. Go on to cheeseburger depot.

102. Ricky, something's not right with him.

103. He's a fucking idiot; That's what's not right with him.

104. No, no, Ricky.

105. I've never seen lahey do that before.

106. He didn't even do anything

107. when I said that nasty thing to him.

108. All right, the game is postponed until further notice.

109. Nobody wins.

110. Come on, Julian.

111. We've got to go grab those bottles at the school.

112. We've got an hour and a half window here.

113. We're getting real close to going on the cruise,

114. by tomorrow we need $3,000 to put down

115. or we lose our tickets.

116. And is that Trinity did this fund raiser for her school

117. to go on a class trip.

118. They raised a bunch of money for empty bottles.

119. We raised three fucking grand in the trailer park alone.

120. And basically, what happened was,

121. is they said, Trinity is not allowed to go on the trip.

122. She got caught smoking on school grounds,

123. which is bullshit.

124. What we said is, "fuck that."

125. We're going to go down there, take those bottles back.

126. They're ours anyway,

127. put it towards our own fucking trip.

128. It just pisses me off.

129. Like, I went to school, the education system complicated

130. everything up for me and it's still going on.

131. Fuck the education system. Do it our own way.

132. Come on, buddy.

133. We're making our first down payment on the cruise, Rick.

134. We'll play hockey later.

135. Come on Ricky, the cruise.

136. The game is postponed cause no mo-fuckers can go up

137. to Canadian mo-fucker and by a new orange mo-fucker for $2.99?

138. That's whack, Jules.

139. Boys, I'm busy. We'll play later.

140. Fuck.

141. The next time you come in here, sir,

142. you have to wear a shirt.

143. - The shirt thing again. - Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.

144. I don't wear shirts.

145. Look, it says right there, "no shirt, no service."

146. You have to wear a shirt

147. - I can take my business— - aaahhh.

148. Give me the fucking money. Give me the money.

149. Ah, shit.

150. Oh, shit.

151. Mr. lahey, that guy just robbed the liquor store.

152. You're a hero.

153. Great work, officer.

154. We've been trying to nail this asshole for about three weeks.

155. You're the first cop who's been able to get him.

156. No problem. All in a day's work.

157. Call this in downtown for me.

158. My assistant and I have some undercover work to do.

159. Sure.

160. - Shit. - Mr. lahey.

161. Today's the day we regain control

162. of sunnyvale trailer park, Randy,

163. by whatever means necessary.

164. No more Mr. nice guy.

165. What do you say we get the old bike out?

166. The day that j. Rock loses his flow

167. is the day that hair on Jim lahey's bald head grow.

168. Check it out, t., starsky and gut.

169. All right, boys. Here's the scoop.

170. The federal government has officially declared

171. sunnyvale a town.

172. This envelope contains all the legal documentation.

173. You are all entitled to read it, but I don't advise it,

174. because you're all too stupid.

175. Randy and I are now sunnyvale official policeman.

176. That's right.

177. I'm back.

178. The rules of engagement have changed.

179. You've got 15 seconds to get these boys off the street.

180. Move.

181. You got ten seconds before you pass out

182. from being so drunk.

183. Don't forget to tell Ricky and Julian the good news.

184. Officer Jim lahey is back on the job.

185. Because he's just going around the trailer park

186. telling everybody that sunnyvale is now a town.

187. Is that even possible?

188. Well, he used to be the trailer park supervisor.

189. Well, yeah, I got your messages and—

190. Brian, this is Sarah.

191. So are you saying that sunnyvale could legally be a town

192. with its own police force?

193. Really?

194. All right. No, we'll call you back.

195. No, we're busy this weekend. Sorry.

196. So what did Brian, the big fancy lawyer, have to say.

197. Well, he said it's possible.

198. Bullshit.

199. Lahey got fired from the police force years ago.

200. He's not a cop.

201. He's just a drunk trailer park supervisor.

202. Time to canvass the park for complaints

203. from the good citizens about Ricky and Julian.

204. They're going down, Randy, today.

205. Mr. lahey, you're taking things way too far.

206. And I'm not comfortable pretending to be a cop.

207. Pretending?

208. When you keep getting pelted with shit balls, deputy,

209. you gotta get a shit bat.

210. I'm working on a plan to make some money today.

211. So I want everyone to stay away from lahey

212. and don't push any of his buttons, all right, Ricky?

213. Yeah, even if lahey is a cop, there's nothing he can do.

214. He has nothing on us.

215. Well Randy, we have 5 counts of gas siphoning,

216. 42 counts of weapons discharge,

217. 67 counts of lewd and obnoxious behavior,

218. and over 100 counts of theft under $1,000.

219. Mr. lahey, most of that stuff happened years ago.

220. You can't charge them for this now.

221. Randy, the shit pool is getting full.

222. We better strain it before it overflows

223. and causes a shit slide

224. that could cover this entire community.

225. I will not have a pompeian catastrophe

226. happening in sunnyvale.

227. That was lava, not shit, sir.

228. Don't get smart with me, Randy.

229. It's cop talk. Listen and learn.

230. Hey t., check it out.

231. It's rocky and bull-mo-fucker. On they bike.

232. Rap concert's over boys.

233. This is your final notice.

234. You understand, Jamie?

235. Man, I know you didn't just call me Jamie.

236. My name is j. Rock.

237. I'd lie to see you try that wack shit on Julian and Ricky,

238. 'cause they won't play it.

239. It just so happens that I got a warrant

240. for Ricky and Julian's arrest.

241. You haven't seen the guys around?

242. We got a couple of questions for them.

243. I got a question for you, Randy.

244. Free Willy, does cheeseburgers ever blow out your blow hole?

245. You know what I'm saying?

246. You watch your fucking mouth...

247. Jamie.

248. Mr. lahey, calm down.

249. Mo-fucker.

250. Man, my mom gave me this for graduating grade nine.

251. Okay, boys, hands on the hood.

252. You're both under arrest.

253. Frig off, Randy.

254. Give me a little information on Ricky and Julian, boys,

255. and maybe I won't throw you in jail for theft under $1,000.

256. - No way. - Never.

257. We wouldn't sell our boys out.

258. After all the shit and disrespect they lay on you,

259. you boys would risk imprisonment

260. for those shit idiots?

261. Prison, boys?

262. Ricky's stealing bottles from Trinity's school today.

263. - It's true. - Release them, Randy.

264. Get out of here.

265. Search the car.

266. We've got to nail those shit-iots.

267. Move.

268. Mr. lahey, shouldn't we wait and catch them in the act?

269. Nyyah-nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah.

270. Randy, we leave our jurisdiction,

271. we don't have the authority.

272. Now, search the car.

273. What the fuck are lahey and Randy doing

274. wearing cop uniforms with fake guns?

275. Is that a fucking toupee he's got on?

276. - Lucy. Sarah. - Those guys are fucked.

277. He looks like a totally different guy.

278. We've got a warrant for Ricky's arrest.

279. They got a warrant, do they?

280. I'm not letting him in here.

281. What a fucking joke.

282. What are you going to do, lahey, shoot me with your toy gun?

283. Shut up, Randy.

284. Ladies, don't make me charge you for—

285. - you guys got any guns here? - No, we don't have any guns.

286. Distract him. I have to talk to Julian.

287. I call my lawyer.

288. You've got three seconds to open the door.

289. Three, two...

290. Okay, so we come up in the tow truck like this.

291. And we hook it up to the truck with the bottles in it.

292. And we haul that cocksucker over to your buddy

293. at the bottle exchange.

294. And then we take the bottle truck back to the school.

295. Then we take the tow truck back over to the junkyard.

296. And we do it all at lunch hour.

297. Exactly, the junkyard employee

298. and the school security guy, they're at lunch.

299. So I take 3 grand down to the travel agency,

300. put down our down payment,

301. no gun is ever used. No chance of going to jail.

302. That sounds like a chance of going to jail right there.

303. That better not be Ricky fucking around.

304. It is Ricky.

305. Lahey's lost it. He's shooting at me.

306. Get down; He's shooting through the window.

307. You guys finally drove lahey completely bananas.

308. He's lost it.

309. Julian, give me a gun. If I go to jail, I go to jail.

310. But I'm not letting lahey send me there; That's not right.

311. Julian, you said no guns.

312. Boys, relax.

313. We don't need guns, and we're not going to a jail.

314. Julian, you've got three seconds before I shoot the door in.

315. - Ricky, where's your car? - It's at Lucy's.

316. One...

317. All right, we're gonna go out back.

318. Two...

319. Bubbles, you distract him as if we're still here, all right?

320. - Three. - How do I do that, Julian?

321. Mr. lahey, please, you're scaring me.

322. Put your gun away. Someone could get hurt here.

323. This is Julian; I've got everything under control.

324. Yeah, fuck off, lahey.

325. This is Ricky.

326. I've got my hand caught in the sink and I'm fucking stoned.

327. Don't shoot the door, you dick.

328. Bubbles, is that you?

329. No, this is Julian.

330. Bubbles is collecting carts.

331. - Mr. lahey. - Convicts on the run.

332. Convicts?

333. Fuck off! Stop fucking firing!

334. Get off sunnyvale property. Let's go, come on.

335. Okay, gentlemen, exit the vehicle, please.

336. - Lahey, don't fucking shoot me. - Hands up.

337. No sudden movements or I will shoot.

338. Weapons on the ground.

339. We don't have any weapons on us.

340. No sudden moves. Turn that off, please.

341. Gentlemen, I'm a reasonable man.

342. Do you know what this is?

343. Walkie-talkie?

344. Jesus, what the fuck was that fucking thing?

345. It's a stun gun, Ricky.

346. Didn't I tell you to turn that off?

347. Ow! Fuck!

348. Come on, give me the keys. I'm impounding this vehicle.

349. There's no keys for it. It's like a lawn mower.

350. - Get out of here. - Don't, don't.

351. Bubbles, clear out. Clear out.

352. Snap out of it, lahey.

353. What's wrong with you, you crazy bastard?

354. Clear out. We're just doing a little park cleaning here.

355. You can't fucking retain me.

356. Lahey, I know you're watching and can hear me.

357. Let me the fuck out of here.

358. I swear to Christ you are going to pay for this bullshit

359. when I fucking break the fuck out of here.

360. Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, calm down.

361. Ricky, calm down so I can think for minute all right?

362. Calm down. Let me think for a minute.

363. Look at us for fuck's sakes.

364. Fucked over, being electromocuted,

365. the cruise money's fucked,

366. I'll probably never play hockey again for fuck sakes

367. all because of Jim lahey.

368. Calm down Ricky. You guys, calm down. Julian.

369. You fucking calm down, Randy.

370. Listen, Mr. lahey's going crazy here, guys.

371. I've never seen him—

372. what the hell is going on here, deputy?

373. Nothing is going on, Mr. lahey.

374. Just calming the prisoners down.

375. You put your gun away.

376. I left orders to follow a no mercy policy here.

377. Lahey, I have to take a piss. You're losing your fucking mind.

378. Permission denied; Go get the delousing powder, Randy.

379. I'm going to hose these little fuckers down.

380. Mr. lahey, this is cruel and unusual punishment,

381. and it's against the law.

382. Against the law, is it, Randy?

383. Well, I am the law.

384. Go get the chains and the orange gag balls.

385. - What the fuck are gag balls. - You'll find out.

386. Jim, can you take a time-out for a minute

387. and think about what you're doing here, please?

388. Julian, I know exactly what I'm doing here.

389. Chains, bolt cutters.

390. Bubbles, where's Julian? I need to talk to him.

391. Oh, it's no problem; Officer lahey just locked him up

392. in his fucking jail shed, so just go visit them; That's fine.

393. In his jail? Look, he's not even a cop, bubbles.

394. I just talked to Lucy's lawyer.

395. He hasn't been put back on the force.

396. That doesn't surprise me. He's gone out of his mind.

397. Did you see his hair?

398. - What are you doing? - I gotta go break them out.

399. I've got my chains. I'm gonna hook it to the thing.

400. Bubbles, bubbles. I got something to tell you.

401. Oh yeah, what is it Randy? We're not cops.

402. I already knew that.

403. I'm going to break the boys out right now.

404. You try to stop me. I fucking dare you.

405. Relax, relax, relax, bubbles.

406. Everything's gotten way out of control here.

407. Yeah, no kidding; I'm calling the cops in right now,

408. the real cops, not the crazy, fake,

409. trailer park drunk, fat gut, crazy cops.

410. Bubbles, you can't call the cops in.

411. Why not?

412. Because the real cops would humiliate Mr. lahey.

413. It might push him right over the edge.

414. Listen, I'll get your go-kart back for you,

415. and I got a plan, but I need your help.

416. You'll get my go-kart back for me?

417. I'll get it back.

418. What's your plan, then? Let's do it.

419. Good timing, deputy.

420. Mr. lahey, can you help me fix the tear in my pants?

421. Back to headquarters, Randy. I'll see what I can do.

422. Thanks, Mr. lahey.

423. How did you do this, Randy?

424. I caught them on—when I was jumping the fence, Mr. lahey.

425. They're not torn, Randy.

426. They've been cut.

427. No, no, I tore them on the fence.

428. What's going on here, Randy?

429. Nothing, I just tore my pants.

430. You said that.

431. Something smells fishy here.

432. Stay calm, boys.

433. I'm going to get you out of here.

434. Be quiet, Ricky. Be quiet.

435. I got it. We've got to be quiet.

436. Quiet.

437. It's all right. Randy is distracting lahey.

438. We just gotta keep quiet.

439. Don't fucking move.

440. Mr. lahey, calm down.

441. Everything is going to be okay.

442. I called the police, Mr. lahey.

443. You left me no choice.

444. - You called the police Randy? - Yes.

445. That was a very unfortunate decision, boy.

446. Boys, Randy told me that somebody who thinks he's a cop

447. isn't actually a cop; He's just a drunk lunatic,

448. so just don't do anything that's going to—Ricky—

449. put a gun to my head, you delusional drunk bastard.

450. All I ever wanted was a little bit of order

451. in the park, Randy, make it a nice place to live.

452. One day, you're a cop,

453. and one day, they take it all away from you.

454. I fucked up.

455. Are they going to send me to jail?

456. Fucking right you're going to jail.

457. I'm gonna...

458. Frig off.

459. Boys, listen, listen, listen.

460. The cops are coming.

461. Bubbles, get him out of here before he goes to jail.

462. Julian, we've got to work out a deal here.

463. We can't let Mr. lahey go back to jail.

464. You know what they do to ex-cops in jail.

465. We'll do anything, right, Mr. lahey?

466. Help me, Julian.

467. Jim.

468. Little too heavy on the booze, eh?

469. Just a...

470. Just one more little drinkee-poo.

471. Please, Julian, for ol' times sake.

472. Get these fucking chains off me, Jim.

473. What's going on here, boys?

474. We had reports of gunshots.

475. Gunshots? Jeez, I can explain that.

476. Corey and Trevor, they set a firecracker off.

477. They were just celebrating. They had a little too much to—

478. celebrating what?

479. Mr. lahey is donating $3,000 to the sunnyvale trailer park

480. street hockey team, aren't you, Jim?

481. Yeah, that's right, Julian. Is credit card okay?

482. I prefer cash in advance,

483. but that shouldn't be a problem, should it?

484. No, no problem, right, Mr. lahey?

485. Whatever you think is fair, Julian.

486. Didn't think so.

487. Anyway, officer, sorry about the mix-up.

488. Jim, why are you in your old police uniform?

489. We're practicing for a play at the...

490. Blandford recreation center.

491. Hmm, nice fake.

492. That's your real badge, Jim.

493. I'm going to have to confiscate that.

494. No, not my badge.

495. Sorry, Jim; I can't let you wander around drunk

496. impersonating a police officer; Give me the badge.

497. I had two drinks.

498. And get rid of the hair. It looks ridiculous.

499. Copy that I'll be there in two.

500. Julian, that's it for now.

501. I might have to come by later, get information for my report.

502. What time will you be in?

503. I usually make dinner around 6:00.

504. You can catch me then.

505. Copy that. Gentlemen.

506. Your hair looks fine, Mr. lahey.

507. What do you want, Julian?

508. I got this back for you.

509. Thanks, Julian.

510. Just don't put it on, or it's going to be my ass alright?

511. Deal.

512. Thanks, Jim.

513. Julian, I can't believe you let that shit

514. fuck up our game today.

515. Listen, we reserved cruise tickets on time,

516. so shut up, and let's play hockey.

517. - Game on. - Let's go.

518. Go, Ricky.

519. - Scores. - Whoo.