Trailer Park Boys 2x5

1. Nice kitty.

2. What do you want for breakfast today, Daisy?

3. Excuse me, sir?

4. Hi.

5. Hi, there.

6. Hello. My name is Hampton,

7. and this is my daughter, Tanya.

8. We just travel from trailer park to trailer park.

9. That's right.

10. Spreading the word of the lord.

11. Just as Jesus traveled from shadrach to meshach to abednego,

12. we travel from trailer park to trailer park,

13. spreading the good news.

14. Do you live around here?

15. I live right here in this Van with my kitty.

16. I see.

17. Have you read the Bible?

18. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't.

19. What's it to you?

20. Can you read, my son?

21. Well, that depends.

22. Can you go fuck yourself?

23. Oh, I get it — when the animals are talking,

24. they're not really joking around.

25. It means a lot more deeper stuff.

26. Look, Ricky, I understand that you're busy and shit,

27. but I haven't seen you for like two weeks.

28. Like, you're going to school. It's dope this, school that.

29. You're always here looking after the plants.

30. Like, can't we just hang out for once?

31. I'm sorry, Sarah. I know it's been bad.

32. But I'll make it up to you, I promise.

33. Where in the fuck is Julian?

34. I'm gonna be late for school again.

35. I've had a lot of time to think about this,

36. and I know Ricky and I really crossed the line.

37. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, buddy.

38. Yeah, well, my whole life was in that shed, Julian.

39. Did you and Ricky think of that before you barged in

40. and burned the fucking thing right to the ground?

41. Come on. This is getting ridiculous.

42. Yeah, it is ridiculous, Julian.

43. Listen, why don't you stop living in cars and vans

44. and sheds and stuff and come stay at my place,

45. a real home for once?

46. That shed was a real home, Julian.

47. I loved that place. It was mine. It wasn't yours.

48. You know what I mean? And guess what.

49. I don't think I should be hanging around

50. with you and Ricky anymore, either,

51. till you're done growing that dope.

52. And don't think you can buy me off

53. with a jar of those delicious things.

54. Fine, then. The couch is still there if you want it,

55. and I'm chucking out these pickled eggs, bubbles.

56. Just leave them there in the garbage can, then.

57. Do you want another piece of bologna, Sarah?

58. Sure.

59. Thanks.

60. Where in the fuck were you, man? You knew I had class today.

61. I had to go talk to bubbles. He's still pissed off at us.

62. Hey, Sarah.

63. Fuck! I'll talk to him later.

64. Look, man, I got a major fucking situation.

65. Grade 10's got me all stressed out.

66. It's way harder than grade 9 — way fucking harder.

67. Okay.

68. Well, I need tonight off.

69. 'Cause right now, all I do is study and grow dope.

70. That gets a little difficult

71. when you have a girlfriend, Julian.

72. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

73. Think about it.

74. Listen, I don't have a girlfriend right now

75. because I'm focused with my job, all right?

76. Well, I do have a girlfriend,

77. and if I don't do something with her tonight, I'm gonna lose her,

78. and that's not gonna fucking happen.

79. Take the night off, then.

80. Just show me what I got to do.

81. It's not too hard.

82. Just make sure the lights come on with the timers

83. and watch the ph levels, man,

84. because they've been a little fucked up all week.

85. Other than that, it's not bad.

86. Change the solution in table five if you want.

87. But I can do it tomorrow.

88. I'll do it. Don't worry about it.

89. - Go have a good time with Sarah. - You sure?

90. - You can handle this? - Hell, yeah.

91. Thanks, buddy. I appreciate it.

92. Listen, you just got to talk to me, Rick.

93. You're stressed out, man. Calm down.

94. It's just fucking school.

95. You almost ready, Sarah? I'm gonna be late.

96. Yeah.

97. - Here's your books. - Thanks, babe.

98. Hi.

99. Hello. My name is Tanya,

100. and I'd like to speak with you about the lord.

101. - Bottle kids! - Aah!

102. What was that?

103. Uh, it's just a couple of kids

104. that like to throw bottles at people.

105. Is that, um...

106. Yeah, it's industrial-grade hemp.

107. I make rope.

108. Okay, boys, rule number one —

109. no living in a Van in sunnyvale trailer park.

110. J-roc, you better straighten Panama Jack

111. the fuck out right now.

112. A'ight, here's what I'm talking about,

113. you know what I'm saying, you know what I'm saying?

114. Bubbles is renting this Van for $12 a month, you know what I'm saying?

115. That makes this motherfucker an income property,

116. you know what I'm saying?

117. Once me and "t" get power and water going on,

118. then this motherfucker is gonna fall

119. under the same jurisdiction as every other trailer

120. up in this mo', you know what I'm saying?

121. So why don't you and that 15-cheeseburger-eating,

122. rico suave-looking motherfucker go on?

123. 'Cause you ain't beating nobody. Peace.

124. That was cold, man, that was crazy.

125. - Suave rico cheeseburger. - Oh, hang on.

126. Can I get 15 half-eaten cheeseburgers to go?

127. You know what I'm saying?

128. Order me something, too, man.

129. Talking to his gut like it's a person!

130. Okay, boys, you can laugh and joke,

131. but I win in this situation,

132. because I make one phone call to the housing authority... J-roc.

133. - ... and this Van is out of here. - Ain't that something?

134. Randy, it's the fashion police.

135. You being charged $500

136. for wearing them pants after labor day.

137. Randy's got funny pants.

138. May we have a moment of your time

139. to have a word with you about the lord

140. and this everlasting gift of love we have to offer

141. for only 59.99?

142. We have rules in this trailer park, mister.

143. And rule number one — no soliciting.

144. Actually, commander, we're not soliciting at all.

145. We're merely taking advanced orders

146. and filling out some forms.

147. Most people have welcomed us with open arms.

148. We already have 16 Bible orders.

149. I'm, like — I know you from somewhere, right?

150. Don't think so.

151. Actually, we look forward to meeting everyone in the park.

152. Some other time. God bless you.

153. Randy, we better keep an eye on those two.

154. Hey, Tanya.

155. Hi. Come on out. I'd like you to meet someone.

156. This is my dad.

157. Hello.

158. Something doesn't add up here, Randy.

159. What's Julian doing talking to those guys?

160. Think he might be in need of a little sexual healing.

161. Not Hampton. He's creepy!

162. Not him, Randy, her.

163. What the...

164. What the hell?

165. Bubbles, what are you doing in there?

166. Doing the same thing you're doing — I'm spying.

167. I don't trust those two as far as I could fucking throw them.

168. Yeah, I think they're trying to brainwash Julian.

169. I seen this thing on the force.

170. Why do you care?

171. They need my help, lahey.

172. They don't care about you, bubbles.

173. Why do you care about them?

174. Because real friends stick together.

175. Besides my kitties,

176. Ricky and Julian are all that I really have.

177. Piss off! You're gonna blow my cover!

178. So, tell me, Julian, what are your long-term goals?

179. What are your plans for the future?

180. Well, I guess I just want to grow enough hemp

181. with my partner, Rick, so that I can buy a new trailer,

182. a car maybe, have some money in the bank.

183. I see, and is he your partner in the siegfried and Roy sense?

184. No, no, no, it's nothing like that.

185. I see.

186. Do you have a girlfriend?

187. No, I don't really have much time to meet women.

188. That's what Tanya always says — no time.

189. But really, she is busy doing the lord's work.

190. Which I should be doing now. If you'll excuse me.

191. You little fuckers!

192. Hey.

193. Hey, baby.

194. How was school?

195. Holy fuck, it's hard.

196. I got to learn all these fucking math equations

197. and new languages and shit.

198. The only class that wasn't too bad was gym.

199. Yeah?

200. Yeah, I scored 12 goals in floor hockey, kicked ass.

201. Right on. That's awesome. Hey, check this out.

202. Oh, that's nice.

203. Yeah, I got a new dress for tonight — 3 bucks.

204. That's gonna look hot as hell on you.

205. Thanks.

206. 60 bucks, wow.

207. That's a lot of money for a Bible.

208. Yes, but they cost us $80 each to produce,

209. so, really, it's charity.

210. Hey, is Ricky here?

211. Hey, uh, bubbles. He's not back from school yet.

212. Hey, listen, I want you to meet somebody here.

213. Yeah, I already met that guy.

214. Can you just tell Ricky

215. I need to talk to him about some things?

216. That bubbles is an interesting character.

217. Is he... Crazy?

218. Bubbles? Are you kidding?

219. He's the sharpest guy in the park, man.

220. Really?

221. Well, you should see your Bible in 6 to 14 weeks.

222. Thanks very much.

223. - God bless you. - God bless you.

224. Hello.

225. Who the fuck was that jackass?

226. He's not a jackass, Ricky.

227. I just bought a Bible from him to give to you, man.

228. An everlasting gift of love to my son.

229. What, are you drunk or something, dad?

230. I've had a couple of drinks.

231. But I still bought a Bible to give from father to son.

232. That's really sweet, ray.

233. I'm gonna go inside and get ready.

234. Okay.

235. Dad, I hate to ask you this, buddy,

236. but can I borrow 30 bucks?

237. What are you, crazy? I don't have that kind of money.

238. Look, dad, I want to take Sarah out tonight for dinner,

239. and you're the one that's always telling me and Julian

240. that the best way to romance a woman

241. is to take her out for Chinese food.

242. That's what I want to do. She deserves it.

243. Okay, buddy, here's the deal. I'll tell you what.

244. I'm gonna loan you the 30 bucks, but when your Bible comes in,

245. you and me sit down an hour a day and we read it to each other.

246. I don't have time for that church shit, you know that.

247. That's the deal, man.

248. Ah, fuck me.

249. All right, can I have the 30 bucks, then, or what?

250. Yeah, I'm gonna loan you the 30 bucks.

251. Right on, dad. Thanks, buddy.

252. No problem, man.

253. What?

254. What? They're bottles. What do you mean, what?

255. I got to take bottles back?

256. There's 35 bucks in bottles there, Ricky.

257. Fuck!

258. At least 35 bucks.

259. 30 fucking dollars was all I fucking asked.

260. Fuck!

261. - Ricky, I — - this is fucking horseshit.

262. You sound — you sound a little ungrateful here, man.

263. I'm grateful, dad, don't get me wrong.

264. I appreciate it.

265. It's just a little extra fucking work

266. I wasn't counting on right now.

267. Julian?

268. Can I fucking speak to you in private for a second?

269. Can we talk later, bubbles? I'm kind of busy right now.

270. Nope.

271. Fuck him.

272. What's up, bubbles?

273. I'll tell you what's up.

274. Those Bible people — I don't fucking trust them.

275. They're just selling a few bibles.

276. It's for a good cause. What's wrong with that?

277. All right, Julian.

278. You remember I tried to warn you.

279. Tried to warn me?

280. Why don't you relax, man. Chill out.

281. You really care about him, though, don't you?

282. Yeah, I'm kind of like a big brother to him,

283. and Ricky and I screwed up the other day.

284. We, you know, stored a few weed plants in his shed,

285. and then it burnt down, and now he's pissed.

286. Weed plants?

287. - Hemp plants. - Yeah.

288. I let him down big time.

289. Well, let's go get your mind off it.

290. Let's go grab a bite to eat or something.

291. I got to — it's my shift. I can't go anywhere.

292. You can't leave the plants alone for a couple hours?

293. I'd really like to be alone with you.

294. Get the fuck out!

295. - Hey, Bible guy. - Yes, my child?

296. I got a couple questions for you.

297. Yes, and do you have 59.99?

298. Maybe I do.

299. How do I know I'm gonna get my fucking Bible

300. if I give it to you, though?

301. Oh, I see where this is going.

302. Okay, boys, the party's over.

303. Hampton, I want you out of my trailer park.

304. Actually, lieutenant, I think my work here is done.

305. And I'm off to spread the word of the lord

306. to other parts of the community.

307. That was a little too easy.

308. He's an arsehole.

309. Have you guys seen Cory and Trevor?

310. No, bubbles.

311. What do you want with them?

312. None of your business, Randy.

313. I don't ask you why you

314. keep driving cheeseburgers into that thing.

315. Ease off, bubbles.

316. Geez, bubbles, I switched to chicken,

317. you know, the grilled ones.

318. That's fucking lies, Randy.

319. I've seen you drive 15 cheeseburgers

320. into that thing in one sitting.

321. Don't pay any attention.

322. You're beautiful, Randy.

323. Hey, bub!

324. Ricky, we need to talk.

325. Hey, bubbles, what's up?

326. Hey, Sarah. You look really nice.

327. Listen, man, I'm in a rush right now,

328. but I'll talk to you later, all right?

329. We should talk now, Ricky.

330. I think julian's mixed up with some crazy people.

331. - What, those Bible people? - Yeah.

332. They're harmless. Don't worry about them, man.

333. - He can look after himself. - Yeah, we got to go.

334. We're going for Chinese food.

335. Oh, can you guys get me some meat egg rolls, then?

336. Sure, bub.

337. We have to talk, though, Ricky.

338. I'm telling you, something's up.

339. Can we talk, or —

340. no, don't mind me.

341. I'm only your best friend.

342. Awesome.

343. There you go. Just keep the change. Thanks.

344. What the fuck do they call these things again?

345. Sweet and sour chicken.

346. Man, this is gonna be awesome.

347. - Do you have forks? - Yeah.

348. Julian? What the fuck is he doing here?

349. Julian, what's this bullshit?

350. Fuck!

351. Why aren't you watching the dope plants, you asshole?

352. Calm down, Ricky. I'm just grabbing some takeout.

353. Takeout, my ass. It looks to me like you're on a date

354. with cinnamon roll fucking head.

355. Um, I'm gonna pop into the restaurant

356. and call my dad and let you sort this out.

357. Remember what I told you.

358. Right. I'll just be a minute.

359. Yeah.

360. Thanks for embarrassing me, Rick.

361. Don't even fucking start with me, man.

362. Don't you even care about the dope anymore?

363. Why don't you shut up about that?

364. You know what? Don't tell Ricky to shut up.

365. You're the one being selfish.

366. - I'll be in the car. - I'm sorry about this, Sarah.

367. Save me some of those sweet empowered chicken things.

368. All right, Ricky,

369. this is the first date I've had since I been out of jail.

370. Why don't you show me some respect?

371. I ask for one fucking night off, and look what happens.

372. I'm going back to the airstream.

373. Don't even worry about it, man. I'm going back to the fucking airstream.

374. No, I'm going back to the airstream.

375. No you're not. I am.

376. Great, Ricky. You freaked her out.

377. She took off. Thanks, buddy.

378. She probably took off because you're acting like a dick.

379. Thanks for ruining my date, Rick.

380. Whatever, Julian.

381. Tanya?

382. Fuck!

383. Fuck!

384. Oh, look who decided to show up for work.

385. Hope it wasn't too much trouble, Julian.

386. What in the fuck? Where's all the dope?

387. She told me she loved me. I trusted her.

388. And then she took all the dope, man.

389. Oh, my fuck! All the dope's gone?

390. What about freedom 35? Now that's fucked.

391. I'm supposed to be the stupid one, not you!

392. How could you let this happen, you jackass?

393. Nice going!

394. Hey, boys.

395. Not now, bubbles. We just got some major bad news.

396. Take a look in there. There's fucking nothing in there.

397. So freedom 35? Bye-bye. Thanks to fuckhead here.

398. Maybe not, Ricky. Maybe I can help.

399. What are you gonna do, bubbles?

400. Well, there's a lot your friends can do, Ricky,

401. if you fucking give them a chance.

402. Friends stick together, even if they get fucked around

403. or one of them forgets to buy the guy egg rolls.

404. Oh, fuck! Sorry, buddy.

405. That's the least of our worries right now, though.

406. It's all right. Don't worry about it.

407. I'll always be there for you guys,

408. because you guys are my best friends.

409. Friends stick together.

410. When you got no family, that's all you got, right?

411. You got that right.

412. So guess what.

413. I knew those Bible people were phony,

414. so I got Cory and Trevor to tail them.

415. - That's how good of a friend I am. - What?

416. Now you can get all your dope back.

417. Where is it?

418. We followed them, Julian.

419. They went to that greasy bar by the airport.

420. The slick pimp?

421. Yeah, dude. Van parked out back.

422. All the dope is still there, everything.

423. Oh, fuck, it's lahey.

424. Come on, boys, let's go get the dope back.

425. Fuck off, lahey! Get out of here.

426. They get robbed, lahey, by Bible man.

427. Well, that makes 38 people that were ripped off

428. in this trailer park.

429. Just over $2,800.

430. How much did they get you for, Ricky?

431. I didn't fall for this. Neither did bubbles.

432. Now we got to go get our fucking...

433. Furniture and shit back. Come on, guys!

434. Move your fucking car, lahey!

435. I'll go get the roc pile.

436. Come with me, bubbles!

437. Move the car, Randy.

438. I'm gonna get that money back.

439. As soon as I find them, I'm gonna call you.

440. You call the cops. They're going to jail, lahey.

441. Right.

442. That's the arsehole's Van right there.

443. Fuck, the dope's still there.

444. - All right, Cory, Trevor. - Yeah.

445. - Where you at? - Right here, dude.

446. I want you guys to hot-wire this car

447. and take it back to the airstream.

448. Drive slowly. I don't want the cops pulling you over.

449. - All right? - All right, that's cool.

450. Ricky, bubbles, roc pile, let's go get everyone's money back.

451. We up in this.

452. The roc pile up in this!

453. I got this, Julian, you know what I'm saying?

454. Roc pile up in this mo'.

455. Hold up, Rick.

456. There's the little fucker right there.

457. Bubbles, go call lahey, tell him to meet us here.

458. Sure thing, Julian.

459. Isn't that what's her face?

460. No, it can't be.

461. - Yeah, it is. - What?

462. Whoo!

463. Fuck! You guys, look. Look, I know.

464. - Where's the money? - Look, I have it right here.

465. There's just one thing I have to — fuck!

466. Where the fuck is the Van?

467. It's cool. I've got my car!

468. Oh, yeah, like I'm a — aah!

469. Fuck off!

470. Just give us the money!

471. I can't believe you stole our fucking dope!

472. What the fuck?

473. Hampton, we're gonna get fucking killed!

474. Be careful, boys!

475. He's out of bullets, Ricky.

476. Cover me!

477. - Give us the fucking money. - You don't know I'm out of bullets.

478. - You don't fucking know I'm out of bullets. - Give us the fucking money!

479. - Give us the fucking money! - Hang on right there.

480. Give us the fucking money! -I don't have your fucking money!

481. Nobody steals my fucking dope, nobody, you dick!

482. Fucking police.

483. - Police! Nobody move. - Give me the fucking money!

484. The guy with the glasses is with me.

485. The guy with the track pants and the guy with the glasses are with me.

486. Shut up!

487. - Look what you did, you idiot! - $4,800.

488. You had to dance one more time, didn't you? -Shut up!

489. Oh, you liked it. You fucking loved it!

490. You didn't have to say you loved me, you know?

491. Fuck you, you greasy trailer park boy.

492. Oh, don't worry about her, Julian.

493. Jesus Christ, she is hot, though.

494. I know.

495. Ah, there's lots of better girls out there than her.

496. Come on, buddy.

497. It's all right, buddy. Let's go.

498. I can't believe I finally got in a shootout and didn't get shot.

499. Put her there.

500. I can't believe I didn't get fucking shot.

501. Me and "t" jacked this digital cable shit, you know what I'm saying?

502. J-roc don't pay a cent of it, too — peace.

503. Yeah, man, 150 channels free. You can't go wrong, man.

504. All the mizzovies you can watch, boy.

505. - Peace. - Okay, man. We out. Peace.

506. Thanks, guys. I've never had cable before.

507. Can we talk, bubbles?

508. Yeah, actually, let me explain this, Julian.

509. Bubbles, I know sometimes we get a little caught up

510. in this freedom 35 stuff, and you get mixed up,

511. and you go home and you're thinking about stuff

512. and thinking about what your friend were thinking,

513. and things get all scrambled up like a big fucking pan of eggs

514. and you know what I mean?

515. What he's trying to say is,

516. you're way more important to us than the dope, man.

517. I'm sorry. You're like a brother to me.

518. Thanks, guys.

519. Brother to me, too, buddy.

520. Come on, boys.

521. Thanks, man.

522. Excuse me.