1. The SimpsonsCopy !req
2. D'oh!Copy !req
3. Movie For
A Rained-Out Ballgame now returns...Copy !req
4. to Dyan Cannon, Troy McClure
and the Muppets...Copy !req
5. in the 1977 film...Copy !req
6. The Muppets Go Medieval.Copy !req
7. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me
thine dainty hoof in marriage?Copy !req
8. Oh, Sir Liesalot, I will!Copy !req
9. Mmm.Copy !req
10. Unhand the swine, you swain.Copy !req
11. Come, Piggy. Back to Hamelot.Copy !req
12. Not now, frog. Me and Iron-Pants
are just getting acquainted.Copy !req
13. Dad, what's a "Muppet?"Copy !req
14. Well, it's not quite a mop
and it's not quite a puppet, but, man-Copy !req
15. So, to answer your question, I don't know.Copy !req
16. - Parry.
- Why'd they make that one Muppet out ofleather?Copy !req
17. That's not a leather Muppet.
That's Troy McClure.Copy !req
18. Oh, back in the '70s,
he was quite the teen heartthrob.Copy !req
19. Yeah. Who'd have thought
he'd turn out to be such a weirdo?Copy !req
20. - What are you talking about?
- You know, his bizarre personal life.Copy !req
21. Those weird things they say he does
down at the aquarium. Why, I heard-Copy !req
22. Oh, Homer!
That's just an urban legend.Copy !req
23. People don't do
that type of thing with fish.Copy !req
24. Troy McClure's a perfect gentleman,
like Bing Crosby orJ.F.K.Copy !req
25. I wonder where Troy is now.Copy !req
26. Uh-oh. Oh. Oh.Copy !req
27. Hey, these guys
are all over the road.!Copy !req
28. All right, Captain Rush-Rush.
Out of the car.Copy !req
29. Oh, I'm seeing stars here!Copy !req
30. No, just one.
Hi. I'm Troy McClure.Copy !req
31. You may remember me from such films
as The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed...Copy !req
32. and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.Copy !req
33. Uh, afraid not. License, please.Copy !req
34. It says here you need corrective lenses.
Put those glasses on, mister.Copy !req
35. You wouldn't ask a handsome man
like me to wear glasses!Copy !req
36. It'd be a crime against nature!Copy !req
37. Well, they do kind of
make you look like a nerd.Copy !req
38. Tell you what. Just go down to the D.M.V.
tomorrow and try to pass that eye test.Copy !req
39. I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm still
gonna have to ask you for a bribe.Copy !req
40. Hello, Marge. Hello, Marge.Copy !req
41. How come no Chippendales dancers...Copy !req
42. ever come in to renew their licenses?Copy !req
43. They carpool.
That's the problem.Copy !req
44. Hey, I came here to get this revoked!Copy !req
45. Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared
after that scandal at the aquarium.Copy !req
46. Hey, I thought you said
Troy McClure was dead!Copy !req
47. No. What I said was
he sleeps with the fishes. You see-Copy !req
48. Uh, Tony, please! No.
I just ate a whole plate of'dingamagoo. "Copy !req
49. Oh! Troy McClure!Copy !req
50. Hello, beautiful.Copy !req
51. John Law tells me I might need
to wear these glasses.Copy !req
52. You?
Nonsense. You're Troy McClure.Copy !req
53. I remember you from such films
as MeetJoe Blow...Copy !req
54. and Give My Remains to Broadway.Copy !req
55. Stars like you don't need glasses.Copy !req
56. Yuck!Copy !req
57. Now, Mr. McClure, would you like
to take off those glasses...Copy !req
58. and read the top line?Copy !req
59. Uh, W...Copy !req
60. seven, star, pound.Copy !req
61. Look, Miss... "Boo-Veer. "Copy !req
62. As an actor,
I depend on my remarkable looks.Copy !req
63. If you could find it
in your heart to pass me...Copy !req
64. I'm sure I could find some way to repay you.Copy !req
65. Say by buying you dinner?Copy !req
66. That took a lot of class.Copy !req
67. All these celebrities on the walls.Copy !req
68. I just know a big star like you
is up there somewhere.Copy !req
69. Uh, yes. I'm over there.Copy !req
70. Hmm? Hmm.Copy !req
71. Hmm. Mm-mmm. Hmm.Copy !req
72. Hmm. Oh.!Copy !req
73. So, working at the D.M.V.
must be very interesting.Copy !req
74. Well, I think I'm getting
Repetitive Stress Disorder...Copy !req
75. from scratching my butt all day.Copy !req
76. Being a huge movie star must be good too.Copy !req
77. What are you working on now?Copy !req
78. I've been reading a lot of scripts lately.Copy !req
79. You know, it's a lot cheaper
than going to the movies.Copy !req
80. Well, thanks for holding up
your end of the bargain.Copy !req
81. I had a pretty good time.Copy !req
82. Yeah. Me too.
You need a ride somewhere?Copy !req
83. Hey, get a load of this!
Troy McClure on what looks like a date!Copy !req
84. Here you go, boys.
A little something for page one.Copy !req
85. Hey, Homer.! Isn't this your sister-in-law
on a date with Troy McClure?Copy !req
86. Troy McClure.
He's a washed-up movie star.Copy !req
87. He could be dating
washed-up supermodels.Copy !req
88. Oh, I don't know.Copy !req
89. Maybe those rumors about his fish fetish
weren't true after all.Copy !req
90. This changes everything.
I'd pay to see him in a movie now.Copy !req
91. If only that were possible.Copy !req
92. Troy! My man! It's MacArthur Parker!Copy !req
93. MacArthur Parker, the agent?Copy !req
94. MacArthur Parker, my agent?Copy !req
95. Just checking in, my friend.
So, how's my favorite client?Copy !req
96. - We haven't spoken in eight years.
- Yes.Copy !req
97. So, I saw the papers today, Troy.
Looking good.Copy !req
98. That wholesome stuff really helps
when I'm trying to find you work.Copy !req
99. You haven't found me work in 12 years.Copy !req
100. Oh, you! Jury duty is work.Copy !req
101. And, listen, you keep getting seen
in public with human females...Copy !req
102. and I can get you work
in the entertainment industry.Copy !req
103. Hey.!Copy !req
104. Hello. Selma Bouvier?
It's Troy McClure.Copy !req
105. You may remember me
from such dates as last night's dinner.Copy !req
106. - Hey! Troy! Troy!
- That's right, boys.Copy !req
107. Troy's back from the gutter,
and he's brought someone with him!Copy !req
108. That's too funny!Copy !req
109. I can't remember
when I've heard a funnier anecdote!Copy !req
110. Okay, now you tell one.Copy !req
111. Well, not much happens to me...Copy !req
112. but I once had dinner
with a movie star...Copy !req
113. and it was the most
wonderful night of my life.Copy !req
114. Really? Who was it? George Segal?Copy !req
115. I hear he plays the banjo.Copy !req
116. Hmm, yeah.Copy !req
117. Excuse me.
I ordered a Zima, not "emphysema. "Copy !req
118. Please, don't smoke in our restaurant.Copy !req
119. We don't serve contemporary
California cuisine in your lungs.Copy !req
120. Troy, uh,
I'm sorry I ruined our evening.Copy !req
121. I have to go now. Oh, my God!Copy !req
122. Oh, God! I'm such a fool.Copy !req
123. Got a light?Copy !req
124. Oh.Copy !req
125. Sounds like you're really falling for him.Copy !req
126. What's the matter?
I'm not fun enough for you?Copy !req
127. Patty!
Go on, Selma. Tell me more.Copy !req
128. I don't want to jinx it, Marge,
but this could be it.Copy !req
129. He asked me out again this Friday.Copy !req
130. He's taking me to a special screening
of his latest film.Copy !req
131. You know, smoke actually smells good
when it's coming outta you.Copy !req
132. - Oh, I'm all out.
- Here. Try one of my cigars.Copy !req
133. Mmm.Copy !req
134. My God!
It's like five cigarettes at once!Copy !req
135. Oh, my head is swimming!Copy !req
136. That's not cigars, baby.
That's love.Copy !req
137. No longer canst I conceal my love,
my wimpled turtledove.Copy !req
138. Oh, Princess fair, whilst thou grant me
thine dainty hoof in marriage?Copy !req
139. - Oh, Troy!
- Oh, Sir Liesalot.!Copy !req
140. I will!Copy !req
141. - Ohh!
- Just a second, baby.Copy !req
142. Tonight, '70s leading man Troy McClure
has finally met the woman of his dreams.Copy !req
143. We may remember-
Woman? Huh. Okay.Copy !req
144. We may remember Troy
from such films...Copy !req
145. as The Verdict Was Mail Fraud
and Leper in the Backfield.Copy !req
146. With his high-profile romance...Copy !req
147. Troy's managed to shake the rumors
that have dogged his career.Copy !req
148. And with news of his upcoming wedding,
rumor has it he's up for some very choice roles.Copy !req
149. Looks like you were wrong when you
called him a washed-up deviant, Laurie.Copy !req
150. All right.Copy !req
151. Make sure my iguana's okay.Copy !req
152. Selma, JubJub is fantastic!Copy !req
153. He's everywhere you want to be.Copy !req
154. Welcome to your new home, baby.
It's fantastic!Copy !req
155. Garbage collection is Monday. If you want
to throw out a box, you have to cut it up.Copy !req
156. It's so modern.Copy !req
157. It's ultramodern, like living
in the not-too-distant future.Copy !req
158. Now, you make yourself
at home here.Copy !req
159. I'll be sleeping downstairs
in the visitor's center.Copy !req
160. - Oh. Okay.
- I'll see you in the morning, and get ready for tennis.Copy !req
161. It comes on at 10:00.Copy !req
162. Troy, Mac Parker.
Ever hear of Planet of the Apes?Copy !req
163. Uh, the movie or the planet?Copy !req
164. The brand-new,
multi-million-dollar musical!Copy !req
165. And you are starring...
as the human.Copy !req
166. It's the part
I was born to play, baby!Copy !req
167. Help.
The human's about to escape.Copy !req
168. Get your paws off me, you dirty ape!Copy !req
169. He can talk!Copy !req
170. He can talk. He can talk.
He can talk! He can talk!Copy !req
171. - He can talk.! He can talk.!
- I can singCopy !req
172. Ooh! Help me, Dr. Zaius!Copy !req
173. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
174. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
175. Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
Oh, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
176. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
177. - What's wrong with me
- I think you're crazyCopy !req
178. - Want a second opinion
- You're also lazyCopy !req
179. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
180. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
181. - Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius, oh, Dr. Zaius
- Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
182. Can I play the piano anymoreCopy !req
183. - Of course you can
- Well, I couldn't beforeCopy !req
184. - Dr. Zaius, Dr. Zaius
- This play has everything.Copy !req
185. Oh, I love legitimate theater.Copy !req
186. Dr. Zaius, Dr. ZaiusCopy !req
187. I hate every ape I seeCopy !req
188. From chimpan-A to chimpan-ZCopy !req
189. No, you'll never make a monkeyCopy !req
190. Out of meCopy !req
191. Oh, my God, I was wrongCopy !req
192. It was Earth all alongCopy !req
193. You finally made a monkeyCopy !req
194. Yes, we finally made a monkeyCopy !req
195. Yes, you finallyCopy !req
196. Made a monkeyCopy !req
197. Out of meCopy !req
198. I love you, Dr. Zaius.Copy !req
199. Thank you.
It's great to be back.Copy !req
200. I just want to say I wouldn't be here
without the support of a very special lady-Copy !req
201. my always outrageous fiancée, Selma.Copy !req
202. - Take a bow, sugar beet.
- Oh. Well. Thank you.Copy !req
203. Down in front!Copy !req
204. My good looks paid for that pool...Copy !req
205. and my talent filled it with water.Copy !req
206. Hi, I'm Troy McClure,
your future uncle.Copy !req
207. Hi. I remember you
from such filmstrips...Copy !req
208. as Locker Room Towel Fight:
The Blinding of Larry Driscoll.Copy !req
209. - I was one of the first to speak
out against horseplay. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
210. Remember when we were kids,
we used to dream about our ideal husbands?Copy !req
211. Who knew the dream
would come true for one of us?Copy !req
212. Oh, come on! Guess which one.Copy !req
213. I know. I know. It's Selma, right?Copy !req
214. Yeah, that's a good idea, Homer...Copy !req
215. but they've already made
some movies about World War II.Copy !req
216. Aw, hell!
Well, what about Dracula?Copy !req
217. Homer, I'm really touched
you invited me out on the town.Copy !req
218. You're gonna be
a four-star brother-in-law.Copy !req
219. Troy, buddy, I got to know.Copy !req
220. What's a great guy like you
want to marry a guy like Selma?Copy !req
221. - Come here, Homer.
- Okay.Copy !req
222. I'll let you in on a little secret.Copy !req
223. And do you, Selma Bouvier
Terwilliger Bouvier...Copy !req
224. take the fabulous Troy McClure
to be your lawful wedded husband?Copy !req
225. I already told you yes.Copy !req
226. If anyone here knows why this couple
should not be wed in holy matrimony...Copy !req
227. let him speak now
or forever hold his peace.Copy !req
228. Da-da da-da-da Hey!Copy !req
229. Da-da-da-da, da-da da-da-da
Hey! Da-daCopy !req
230. I now pronounce you husband and wife.Copy !req
231. You may now kiss... each other.Copy !req
232. This is the best day of my life.Copy !req
233. It's a good day for me too, baby.Copy !req
234. Now, smile. We're gonna be
on every newsstand in the country.Copy !req
235. Mwah!Copy !req
236. Hey! Look what I snagged, Marge.Copy !req
237. The candy bride and groom
from the wedding cake.Copy !req
238. Mmm. Pointy.Copy !req
239. It was a beautiful wedding.
I've never seen Selma happier.Copy !req
240. That reminds me-Troy said something
interesting last night at the bar.Copy !req
241. Apparently,
he doesn't really love Selma...Copy !req
242. and the marriage is just a sham
to help his career.Copy !req
243. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.Copy !req
244. What? Oh, my God!Copy !req
245. Marge, could you close your eyes?Copy !req
246. I'm trying to sleep.Copy !req
247. There.Copy !req
248. This better be important.
It's my wedding night. I'm trying to sleep.Copy !req
249. Sleep is for has-beens, my friend, and you're
about to have a very crowded schedule.Copy !req
250. - This marriage scam is paying off big-time.
- Phone for you.Copy !req
251. - T. McC.!
- Troy, darling, come to bed.Copy !req
252. I want to see the Troy McClure
I remember from such films...Copy !req
253. as Make-Out King of Montana
and The Electric Gigolo.Copy !req
254. Yeah. In a minute, darling.Copy !req
255. Well, she may be helping my career,
but she's starting to cramp my style.Copy !req
256. Oh, who cares?
The offers are rolling in.Copy !req
257. Paramount wants you for a buddy comedy
with Rob Lowe and Hugh Grant.Copy !req
258. - Those sick freaks?
- Okay. Then get this.Copy !req
259. I think they want you to play
McBain's sidekick in- brace yourself-Copy !req
260. the new McBain movie!Copy !req
261. McBain's sidekick? Hot damn!Copy !req
262. I'm going to Sea World!Copy !req
263. Selma, about you and Troy-Copy !req
264. We're not sure he's all he seems.Copy !req
265. Marge is right.
He's wrong for you.Copy !req
266. Better you find out sooner than later.Copy !req
267. Wrong for me? How?
Oh, I get it.Copy !req
268. My sisters have come down with
a case of the green-eyed gazungas.Copy !req
269. I guess I shouldn't be surprised.Copy !req
270. You're stuck in a menial job
you'll be doing 10 years after you die.Copy !req
271. And you're tied down to a man
who'd have to bathe to be a slob.Copy !req
272. Selma, Troy doesn't love you at all.Copy !req
273. He's only using you to squelch the rumors
about his bizarre personal life...Copy !req
274. and further his career.Copy !req
275. You don't know
what you're talking about...Copy !req
276. and I have to go now and see Troy.Copy !req
277. Is this a sham marriage?Copy !req
278. Sure, baby.
Is that a problemo?Copy !req
279. You married me
just to help your career?Copy !req
280. You make it sound so sordid.Copy !req
281. - Look, don't we have a good time together?
- Yes, but-Copy !req
282. Don't you have everything
you ever wanted here?Copy !req
283. Money, security,
a big, hot, flat rock forJubJub?Copy !req
284. But... don't you love me?Copy !req
285. Sure, I do, like I love Fresca.
Isn't that enough?Copy !req
286. The only difference between our marriage
and anyone else's is we know ours is a sham.Copy !req
287. - Are you gay?
- Gay? I wish!Copy !req
288. If I were gay,
there'd be no problem.Copy !req
289. No, what I have is
a romantic abnormality...Copy !req
290. one so unbelievable that it must
be hidden from the public at all costs.Copy !req
291. - You see-
- Stop!Copy !req
292. You're asking me to live a lie.Copy !req
293. - I don't know if I can do that.
- It's remarkably easy.Copy !req
294. Just smile for the cameras
and enjoy Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.Copy !req
295. You'll go to the right parties,
meet the right people.Copy !req
296. Sure, you'll be a sham wife...Copy !req
297. but you'll be the envy
of every other sham wife in town.Copy !req
298. So, what do you say, baby?Copy !req
299. Tell me again
about Mr. Troy's Wild Ride.Copy !req
300. One day, my lady Selma's
gonna have a star right next to mine...Copy !req
301. so watch out, Laszlo Panaflex.Copy !req
302. Tonight all Hollywood's wondering
who'll be chosen to costar...Copy !req
303. in the big, new McBain pic,
McBain IV: Fatal Discharge.Copy !req
304. - Oh! You watching?
- Mac, you gotta get me that part.Copy !req
305. I will, but you gotta
do something for me.Copy !req
306. The problem is, the big parts these days
are all going to family men.Copy !req
307. But I already got married!Copy !req
308. Yeah, but for a role like this, you gotta pour
it on-you and wife have gotta have a baby.Copy !req
309. - A baby, eh? What do I do?
- I'll send you over a pamphlet.Copy !req
310. You can't buy that kind of P.R., but you
can get it for nothing by having a baby...Copy !req
311. which, by the way, your insurance
will cover except for the deductible...Copy !req
312. which I'll reimburse you for
if you get the part...Copy !req
313. which you will if you have a baby.Copy !req
314. - C'est Troy bien.
- Okay. Now, listen. Let's talk baby names.Copy !req
315. You can't use Montana,
Dakota or Florida- they're taken.Copy !req
316. - Mmm. Oregon?
- Oh! Pacific Northwest. Very hot.Copy !req
317. Having a child- that's a big step.Copy !req
318. You bet it is!
Think what it'll mean!Copy !req
319. Not just the McBain movie, but maybe
my own fragrance- "Smellin' ofTroy"!Copy !req
320. It is probably my last chance to be a mommy.Copy !req
321. Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?Copy !req
322. You bet!
From now on, she's smoking for two!Copy !req
323. Uh, come here, tiger.Copy !req
324. Hmm. Would you like some wine?Copy !req
325. Yes!Copy !req
326. Uh, why don't you come over here...Copy !req
327. and make yourself more comfortable?Copy !req
328. No. Why don't you come over here
and make yourself comfortable?Copy !req
329. I'm sorry.
This whole concept's foreign to me.Copy !req
330. Who knew a baby
would be so much work?Copy !req
331. Having a baby
isn't supposed to be work.Copy !req
332. It's supposed to be
an expression of the feelings...Copy !req
333. we're supposed to have for each other.Copy !req
334. Oh. Like how we built that snowman
together in that Newport ad?Copy !req
335. Remember how "alive with pleasure"
they said we were?Copy !req
336. Look, I'm sorry.
A loveless marriage is one thing.Copy !req
337. We're not hurting anybody.Copy !req
338. But bringing a child
into a loveless family...Copy !req
339. is something I just can't do.Copy !req
340. Oh, great! We'll adopt.Copy !req
341. I'll call my agent. He'll find some kid
who wants in on the deal.Copy !req
342. Good-bye, Troy.Copy !req
343. I'll always remember you,
but not from your films.Copy !req
344. Come on, JubJub.Copy !req
345. Let's go home, and I'll
microwave you some nice roaches.Copy !req
346. In a bold move that has stunned
Hollywood insiders...Copy !req
347. newly divorced comeback kid Troy McClure...Copy !req
348. has turned down the supporting lead
in McBain IV...Copy !req
349. to direct and star in his own pet project...Copy !req
350. The Contrabulous Fabtraption
of Professor Horatio Hufnagel.Copy !req
351. Will the gambit pay off?Copy !req
352. 20th Century Fox is betting... it will.Copy !req
353. Shh!Copy !req