The Simpsons 6x15

Directed by David Silverman

Johnny Unitas as himself (voice) • Dick Cavett as himself (voice) • Joe Mantegna as Fat Tony (voice) • Johnny Unitas as Johnny Unitas (voice) • Dick Cavett as Dick Cavett (voice)

Krusty the Clown's reckless spending forces him to open a clown college to keep afloat. New graduate Homer discovers the perks and perils of being Krusty.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. D'

2. Aah!

3. When Krusty wants to, he can still blow them away.

4. Yes, he can take a simple, everyday thing

5. like eating a bicycle and make it funny.

6. See you tomorrow, kids.

7. But before I go, I'd just like to say...

8. There's nothing better than a cigarette,

9. unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

10. Put 5,000 bucks on the Lakers.

11. Hire Kenny G. To play for me in the elevator.

12. My house is dirty, buy me a clean one.

13. Krusty, as your accountant, I must warn you...

14. Did you send those 1,000 roses to Bea Arthur's grave?

15. Yes, but she's still...

16. I don't want to hear the end of any sentences.

17. George Carlin on three.

18. Yeah? Lawsuit?

19. Come on.

20. My "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit

21. was entirely different

22. from your "Seven words you can't say on TV" bit.

23. So I'm a thief, am I?

24. Well, excuse me!

25. Give him ten grand.

26. Steve Martin on four.

27. Ten grand.

28. Krusty, in regards

29. to the large wager you made on yesterday's horse race.

30. Come on, how about letting me go double or nothing

31. on the big opera tonight.

32. - Who do you like? - The tenor.

33. Okay,

34. but we're only letting the bet ride

35. because you crack us so consistently up.

36. You've got to stop blowing your money like this, Krusty.

37. No can do.

38. And those ridiculous bets you make.

39. Gambling is the finest thing a person can do

40. if he's good at it.

41. But you haven't won anything in months.

42. So I'll just make some more money.

43. Crank out some cheesy merchandise.

44. But you've already merchandized everything.

45. Krusty's Monopoly game.

46. The Krusty crowd control barrier.

47. Nothing is selling anymore.

48. Not even your new Lady Krusty line.

49. But our infomercials are running 24 hours a day.

50. So what do you think

51. of the Lady Krusty moustache removal system now, Angelique?

52. It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas.

53. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?

54. Probably.

55. At this rate, you'll be broke in a month.

56. The only thing left to do is to open a clown college

57. and train some regional Krusties.

58. You mean like that bozo, Bonko the Clown?

59. - Exactly. - Forget it.

60. I'll just cut back on the condor egg omelets.

61. A couple of those would be tasty right now.

62. I'll found the college tomorrow.

63. It must be the first of the month.

64. New billboard day!

65. Finders keepers.

66. "This year, give her English muffins."

67. Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.

68. "Best in the West."

69. That rhymes.

70. Clown college?

71. You can't eat that.

72. Well, I got everything I was supposed to get.

73. I'm not going to enroll in that clown college, though.

74. That advertisement had no effect on me whatsoever.

75. Hey, Homer, the section

76. you're supposed to be monitoring is on fire.

77. Clowns are funny.

78. Mom?

79. I think I'll have some wine.

80. Marge...

81. Yes, Homey?

82. That's it.

83. You people have stood in my way long enough.

84. I'm going to clown college.

85. I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

86. Hurry up.

87. It's my first day of clown college.

88. Hold still, Homer. Don't squirm.

89. I am holding still. I am squirming.

90. Dad, you can't just go around pretending to be Krusty.

91. It's sacrilege.

92. He's a one and only.

93. I mean, he invented the pie fight,

94. the pratfall, and the seltzer bottle.

95. As far as I know.

96. Yeah, Dad, it was bad enough

97. when you tried to pass yourself off as Tom Bosley.

98. But Krusty?

99. You weren't complaining when I got you this close

100. to Chachi.

101. What's a Chachi?

102. All right. There can only be one Krusty in each territory,

103. so I hope this works out.

104. Tell me where you're from.

105. - Georgia. - Texas.

106. Brooklyn.

107. Russia.

108. New Hampshire.

109. Homer.

110. Okay, we'll start off with the baggy...

111. What?

112. Those are supposed to be baggy pants.

113. Baggy!

114. Ooh, I've never had a pair of pants

115. that fit this well in my life.

116. Okay, memorize these funny place names.

117. Stop it, you're killing me!

118. Seattle!

119. And now, everybody's favorite:

120. the Spin Cycle Fantastique trick.

121. It's a great piece of buffoonery if you pull it off.

122. But if you blow it, you'll look like a fool.

123. Steady...

124. Steady.

125. Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in,

126. the party's over, right?

127. Wrong!

128. Kill wealthy dowager.

129. Burn that seat.

130. These Krusty brand balloons are three bucks each.

131. But get a cheap one and what happens?

132. Goes off, takes out the eyeballs of every kid in the room.

133. What's that gonna cost you?

134. Hey, Bill, what did that cost us?

135. Wow! I'm sorry I doubted you before, Dad.

136. If there has to be

137. a bastardized version of Krusty, I'm glad it's you.

138. Thanks, honey. Bank shot.

139. Wow!

140. That's good aim, Dad.

141. Well, it was my major.

142. Welcome to the noble family of skilled Krustaceans.

143. You will now go back to your hometowns

144. and do kids' parties, swap meets,

145. and all the other piddling crap

146. I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot clown pole.

147. Now come and get your cat skins...

148. I mean sheep skins.

149. This is the happiest day of my life...

150. Got it. No shock for me.

151. Yeah?

152. And now to help introduce our fantastic new burger,

153. the one with ketchup,

154. here he is, coming in by parachute,

155. Krusty the Clown!

156. "To audience.

157. "I now proclaim this new burger...

158. For sale!"

159. Lord, save me.

160. It's the Krusty burglar.

161. My God. He's stealing all the burgers!

162. Why, you little!

163. I've got you!

164. Homer!

165. It's... It's... It's all just an act.

166. Stop!

167. Stop!

168. He's already dead!

169. Let go!

170. Get him! Get him!

171. Krusty the Clown, everybody!

172. Please look at my MedicAlert bracelet.

173. Yah! Ooh!

174. Hey. Hey.

175. And then, take that

176. and put that in there, and you...

177. There's your giraffe, little girl.

178. I'm a boy.

179. That's the spirit.

180. Never give up.

181. I guess you're pretty impressed, Bart?

182. My dad got Krusty the Clown

183. to personally appear at my party.

184. I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house.

185. I don't know, Bart.

186. My dad's a pretty big wheel

187. down at the cracker factory.

188. It's not 5:30 yet.

189. - Hey, nice threads. - I'm beat.

190. And after work, I got to dedicate a new Jiffy Lube

191. and cohost the Ace awards.

192. Wow! Jiffy Lube!

193. Boy, you're really running yourself ragged.

194. Yeah. When I started this clown thing,

195. I thought it would be nothing but glory.

196. You know, the glory of being a clown?

197. But I tell you, it's hard, tiring work.

198. But when I see the smiles on their little faces,

199. I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

200. My time's almost up here, so I'd just like to say

201. I know Woody Allen.

202. And now the winner for the most promising

203. new series on cable...

204. Old "Starsky and Hutches."

205. Accepting the award

206. is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear.

207. Let's walk and talk.

208. I have some wonderful stories

209. about other famous people that include me in some way.

210. Can't. I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.

211. Hey, me, too. We can go together.

212. No, I'm going a different way

213. than you, Dick.

214. Your churlish attitude reminds me

215. of a time I was having dinner with Groucho...

216. Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight

217. if you don't beat it.

218. Being a clown sucks.

219. You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs,

220. and admired by the elderly.

221. Who am I clowning?

222. I have no business being a clown.

223. I'm leaving the clowning business

224. to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

225. No.

226. Well, well, well, velocity boy.

227. I'm gonna give you the biggest ticket you...

228. Hey! Krusty!

229. I'm not Krusty.

230. To think I was going to give you a ticket!

231. Krusty the Clown!

232. I am not Krusty!

233. Hey, Krusty, Krusty,

234. you remember that time we got loaded

235. and set those beavers loose

236. in that pine furniture store?

237. Memories.

238. All right, you take it easy, Krusty.

239. Hey, he didn't give me a ticket.

240. This is an intriguing development.

241. You mean I get five percent off on everything in the store

242. just because I look like...

243. I mean, just because I am Krusty the Clown?

244. How could I charge full price

245. to the man whose lust for filthy magazines

246. kept me in business during that first shaky year?

247. By the way, here is your new issue of "Gigantic Asses".

248. I'm telling you, Marge, this will work.

249. They'll think I'm Krusty and give us free stuff.

250. I've been getting free stuff all day.

251. Look at this swell bucket of house paint.

252. Look at it.

253. I'm not saying it won't work.

254. I'm just saying it's dishonest.

255. Well. If we agree, then why are we arguing?

256. Hey, Krusty!

257. Hey, ooh, beautiful date tonight?

258. And such lovely children you have.

259. I'm more striking than lovely.

260. You come a-with me. Come with Luigi.

261. You don't want to sit

262. with the rest of this a-scum.

263. I only consider you scum

264. compared to Krusty.

265. - Well, all right. - Well, okay.

266. Yeah, you see how you scum.

267. Let me get this straight.

268. You took all the money you made franchising your name

269. and bet it against the Harlem Globetrotters?

270. I thought the Generals were due.

271. He's spinning the ball on his finger!

272. Just take it!

273. Take the ball!

274. That game was fixed.

275. They were using a freakin' ladder for God sakes.

276. I am afraid the time has come for you to pay us.

277. Look, I'm cleaned out.

278. Just take the clown college.

279. We have already taken it.

280. Kids have a lot of money these days

281. so after you finish your performance,

282. you might consider robbing them.

283. Look, what can I tell you?

284. You can't get blood from a turnip.

285. You want to kill me, go ahead and kill me.

286. Hey, hey, all right, okay already!

287. Look, we can talk this over.

288. No more talk.

289. It is time for us to take you for a ride.

290. No!

291. Mind if I go to the bathroom first?

292. I see no harm in that.

293. When he's done in there, I got to go.

294. Okay, wherever Krusty's gone, we'll find him.

295. Legs, you check out the east side.

296. Louie, Rome and Budapest.

297. Tell the boys I want a total world search.

298. - Right, boss. - Right, boss.

299. I want a free car because I'm Krusty.

300. Krusty the Clown!

301. Get it?

302. Krusty.

303. Cancel the world search.

304. I want everything that's coming to Krusty the Clown,

305. which is me, Krusty.

306. Hey, it's Krusty, all right.

307. Should I shoot him gangland style

308. or execution style?

309. Listen to your heart.

310. Well, I can't give you the car, Krusty.

311. But I can let you have this little number

312. for practically nothing... Only 38,000.

313. Hey, what are all these holes?

314. These are speed holes. They make the car go faster.

315. Yeah. Speed holes.

316. You want my advice?

317. I think you should buy this car.

318. We need more ammo.

319. Let's go to Big 5.

320. Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete.

321. When I remove the bandages

322. don't be alarmed by the total stranger

323. staring back at you.

324. I look exactly the same, you moron!

325. Nonsense, Krusty.

326. You look at least ten years younger, plus, I did your breasts.

327. Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?

328. What's the use in hiding?

329. I got to go back to Springfield and face the music.

330. Can you loan me bus fare?

331. Hey, hey, hey!

332. What you diddley-doing, neighbor?

333. Putting speed holes in my car.

334. Makes it go faster.

335. Is that so?

336. Gee, maybe the old Flanders-mobile could use...

337. Wow! Lucky I always keep a bible close to my heart.

338. Lucky I was wearing an extra-large piece

339. of the true cross today.

340. I think I'll go inside.

341. What keeps doing that?

342. I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

343. Let's just grab him.

344. But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty.

345. I'm not him.

346. I'm Homer Simpson.

347. The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car

348. through the wall of our club?

349. Actually, my name is Barney.

350. Yeah, Barney Gumble.

351. The same Barney Gumble

352. who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

353. Actually, my real name is...

354. Think, Krusty, think... Joe Valachi.

355. The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the senate committee

356. about organized crime?

357. Benedict Arnold.

358. The same Benedict Arnold who plotted

359. to surrender West Point to the hated British?

360. D'

361. I am so glad I had a chance to meet you

362. before we did this, Krusty, because I am a great fan.

363. Don Vittorio DiMaggio.

364. Krusty the Clown.

365. Sorry I have to do this, Krusty.

366. I cannot do it.

367. To murder a funny man of such genius

368. would be a crime.

369. Tell you what, Krusty.

370. Do for me my favorite trick,

371. where you ride the little bike through the loop

372. and I will let you live.

373. But I've never been able to do the...

374. Hey, how about if I just squirt you in the face with my boutonniere?

375. Okay.

376. I'll never be able to do this trick.

377. - Never. - Go! Go!

378. Hey!

379. I'm doing it. I'm doing it!

380. I'm the greatest clown in the world!

381. Ta-da!

382. The fact that you did not do the trick well

383. is the biggest insult of all.

384. Hey, guys, I came to...

385. You've got a deadly game of cat and mouse going.

386. I'll come back.

387. I'm seeing double here. Four Krusties.

388. Krusty!

389. Thanks! Thanks a lot!

390. You came here to save me!

391. Yeah, that's what I did.

392. My apologies to you.

393. I almost made a grievous error.

394. Good-bye, Krusty.

395. Wait! He can't kill anybody

396. if he doesn't know which one's the real Krusty.

397. Whoa!

398. Hup, ha ha!

399. I am confused.

400. Heh-heh. Good one, Krusty.

401. Crap.

402. Because of that disrespectful display,

403. I shall now kill both of you.

404. Unless...

405. you both go through the loop

406. together.

407. I can't see, you idiot!

408. Take your hands off my eyes.

409. Ooh!

410. Aah!

411. - Hey! - Hey!

412. Not bad.

413. Without the loop, it is nothing.

414. Whoa!

415. Yay, Krusties!

416. - Ha-ha. - Hey, hey.

417. Grazie, grazie.

418. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.

419. No, no, Don Vittorio, you're not...

420. Yes, I am.

421. I know it, I am.

422. Anyway, thank you, Krusty.

423. You're welcome.

424. So we're even now?

425. No, we just won't kill you.

426. But you still owe us the money.

427. Forty-eight dollars.

428. Here's 50.

429. And two your change.

430. And we thank you.

431. Shh.

432. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.