1. D'Copy !req
2. Ooh!Copy !req
3. - Dad, we've been robbed!
- Wake up, Dad! Wake up!Copy !req
4. There was a burglar,
and he took my saxophone!Copy !req
5. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
6. - And our portable TV.
- D'Copy !req
7. - And my necklace.
- That's no big loss.Copy !req
8. Homer, that necklace
was a pricelessCopy !req
9. Bouvier family heirloom.Copy !req
10. You probably got
a whole drawer full of 'em.Copy !req
11. Well, yes, I do,
but they're all heirlooms too.Copy !req
12. The burglar even took
my stamp collection.Copy !req
13. You had a stamp collection?Copy !req
14. Stamp collection?
Ha-ha!Copy !req
15. Bart's pain is funny,
but mine isn't.Copy !req
16. That saxophone was
my one creative outlet.Copy !req
17. It was the only way I could
truly express myself.Copy !req
18. Shh! Quiet, Lisa.Copy !req
19. Hey, the burglar left
his calling card.Copy !req
20. Cute.Copy !req
21. Hidilly-ho, neighboreenos.Copy !req
22. Can't talk. Robbed.
Go hell.Copy !req
23. You folks got robbed too?Copy !req
24. The burglar took my
Shroud of Turin beach towels.Copy !req
25. Wow!
It's a crime wave.Copy !req
26. Good Lord! My Stormin' Norman
commemorative plates stolen!Copy !req
27. Again.Copy !req
28. Hey, I thought I had
more stuff than this.Copy !req
29. We are insured, aren't we, Mom?Copy !req
30. Homer, tell your child
what you boughtCopy !req
31. when I sent you to town
to get some insurance.Copy !req
32. Curse you, magic beans!Copy !req
33. Stop blaming the beans.Copy !req
34. Hello, police?
Are you sitting down? Good!Copy !req
35. I wish to report a robbery.Copy !req
36. A robbery, right.
Thanks for the report.Copy !req
37. That's another one, Lou.
723 Evergreen Terrace.Copy !req
38. Well, there doesn't seem
to be any pattern yet,Copy !req
39. but if I take this one
and move it here...Copy !req
40. and I move these over here...Copy !req
41. Hello! It almost looks
like an arrow.Copy !req
42. Hey, look,Copy !req
43. Chief, it's pointing right
at this police station.Copy !req
44. Let's get out of here!Copy !req
45. When cat burglaries start,
can mass murders be far behind?Copy !req
46. This reporter isn't saying
that the burglar isCopy !req
47. an inhuman monster
like the wolfman,Copy !req
48. but he very well could be.Copy !req
49. So, professor,Copy !req
50. would you say it's time
for everyone to panic?Copy !req
51. Yes, I would, Kent.Copy !req
52. Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.Copy !req
53. We have a major break
in the case.Copy !req
54. We recovered
the burglar's handkerchiefCopy !req
55. from one of the crime scenes.Copy !req
56. Now, one sniff of this baby,Copy !req
57. and our tracking dog
will be hot on his trail.Copy !req
58. Gosh, look at me.
I'm sweatin' like a pig here.Copy !req
59. Man.
That's better.Copy !req
60. All right.
Get the scent, boy.Copy !req
61. Come on, get the scent.Copy !req
62. Now kill him!Copy !req
63. Hey!Copy !req
64. My jugular!Copy !req
65. Any questions?Copy !req
66. Well, as you can see,Copy !req
67. when the burglar
trips the alarm,Copy !req
68. the house raises
from its foundations,Copy !req
69. and runs down the street and
around the corner to safety.Copy !req
70. Well the...
The real humans won't...Copy !req
71. Won't burn quite so fast
in there.Copy !req
72. Aye!Copy !req
73. Cool!
High-tech security system.Copy !req
74. All right!
Free laserium.Copy !req
75. All the colors of the 'bow, man.Copy !req
76. My cataracts are gone.Copy !req
77. I can see again.
All the beauty of na...Copy !req
78. I'm blind. Well.
Easy come, easy go.Copy !req
79. It's the cat burglar!Copy !req
80. Please don't kill me!Copy !req
81. Abe, can I borrow your ointment?Copy !req
82. It's you, Malloy.Copy !req
83. All right.Copy !req
84. But this time clean off
the applicator!Copy !req
85. Thank you for coming.
I'll see you in hell.Copy !req
86. All right. These are our new
family security rules.Copy !req
87. Be home before dark,Copy !req
88. and make sure
you're not followed.Copy !req
89. Lock all doors and windows.Copy !req
90. And don't take candy
from strangers.Copy !req
91. Marge, they're only human!Copy !req
92. What's the point
of all these precautions?Copy !req
93. I've already lostCopy !req
94. the only thing
that matters to me.Copy !req
95. Lisa, stop pining
for your saxophone.Copy !req
96. I got you another instrument.Copy !req
97. What, this jug?Copy !req
98. Hee-hee!
Whee! Whoa-ho-ho!Copy !req
99. Lisa, never, ever stop
in the middle of a hoedown.Copy !req
100. Honey,Copy !req
101. I didn't realize how much
that horn meant to you.Copy !req
102. Don't worry.
Daddy's gonna get it back.Copy !req
103. I don't know how but
I'll figure out something.Copy !req
104. Thank you.Copy !req
105. You know, Lisa,
music helps Daddy think.Copy !req
106. Welcome, neighbors.Copy !req
107. Since the police can't seem
to get off their duffarooniesCopy !req
108. to do something
about this burglareeno,Copy !req
109. I think it's time we start
our own neighborhood watch...Copy !req
110. aroonie!Copy !req
111. Now, who should lead the group?Copy !req
112. - You!
- Yea!Copy !req
113. Flanders!Copy !req
114. Flanders! Flanders!Copy !req
115. I don't really have
very much experience, but...Copy !req
116. - Someone else!
- Yea!Copy !req
117. Someone else!Copy !req
118. Someone else!
Someone else!Copy !req
119. - I'm someone else.
- He's right!Copy !req
120. We don't need a thinker.
We need a doer.Copy !req
121. Someone who'll act without
considering the consequences.Copy !req
122. Homer! Homer! Homer!Copy !req
123. - I'm with you, Homer!
- I be with ya too, matey.Copy !req
124. - I'm with you, Homer.
- You're the man, Homer.Copy !req
125. - You should do it.
- You're the man, man.Copy !req
126. I'll join! I'm filled with
piss and vinegar.Copy !req
127. At first I was just
filled with vinegar.Copy !req
128. Sorry, Dad.
You're too old.Copy !req
129. Too old?Copy !req
130. Why, that just means
I have experience!Copy !req
131. Who chased the Irish out
of Springfield VillageCopy !req
132. in aught-four?Copy !req
133. Me! That's who.Copy !req
134. And a fine job you did too.Copy !req
135. Aw, Dad, you've done
a lot of great things,Copy !req
136. but you're a very old man now,Copy !req
137. and old people are useless.Copy !req
138. Aren't they? Aren't they?Copy !req
139. Yes, they are!
Yes, they are!Copy !req
140. Stop it!
It's a form of abuse!Copy !req
141. Arr!Copy !req
142. I don't think the guns
are a good idea.Copy !req
143. Marge!
We're responsible adults.Copy !req
144. Whoops.Copy !req
145. And if a group of
responsible adultsCopy !req
146. can't handle firearms
in a responsible way...Copy !req
147. Sorry.Copy !req
148. Me again.Copy !req
149. Sorry.Copy !req
150. Okay, we've got the secret
vigilante handshake.Copy !req
151. Now we need code names.Copy !req
152. I'll be Cue Ball,
Skinner can be Eight Ball,Copy !req
153. Barney will be Twelve Ball,
and, Moe, you can be Cue Ball.Copy !req
154. You're an idiot.Copy !req
155. So, wedding?Copy !req
156. No, we're forming
a vigilante group.Copy !req
157. Come with me.Copy !req
158. See, it's a miniature
version of the A-bomb.Copy !req
159. The government
built it in the '50sCopy !req
160. to drop on beatniks.Copy !req
161. "Radiant, cool,
crazy nightmares.Copy !req
162. Zen New Jersey nowhere."Copy !req
163. Put this in your pipe
and smoke it!Copy !req
164. "How now, brown bureaucrat?"Copy !req
165. Whoo-hoo!Copy !req
166. Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
167. Whaa-ha-ha-ho!Copy !req
168. Take that,
Maynard G. Krebs!Copy !req
169. - Hey, see the sign?
- Sorry.Copy !req
170. Okay, men. It's time
to clean up this town!Copy !req
171. Meaning what, exactly?Copy !req
172. You know, push people around,
make ourselves feel big.Copy !req
173. Bart, give me
that megaphone of yours.Copy !req
174. It's not just
"a megaphone," Dad.Copy !req
175. It's a Rapmaster 2000.Copy !req
176. Never mind the commercials.
Just give it to me.Copy !req
177. I've gotta whip
this neighborhood into shape.Copy !req
178. - Move along there.
- It's Hammer!Copy !req
179. Return to your homes
and places of businesses.Copy !req
180. Hey, you!Copy !req
181. Where'd you get that saxophone?Copy !req
182. - Sears.
- Get him!Copy !req
183. I got him! I got him!Copy !req
184. No burning leaves
without a permit!Copy !req
185. - I got one.
- Too late!Copy !req
186. You better have a good reason
for doing that, boy.Copy !req
187. It makes me feel like a big man.Copy !req
188. Let me check my reason list.
Yep, it's on here.Copy !req
189. Hey, you're that drunken posse.Copy !req
190. Wow! Can I join ya?Copy !req
191. I don't know.Copy !req
192. Can you swing a sack
of doorknobs?Copy !req
193. - Can I!
- You're in. Here's the sack.Copy !req
194. But you gotta supply
your own knobs.Copy !req
195. So I said to him, "Look, buddy,Copy !req
196. "your car was upside down
when we got here.Copy !req
197. "And as for your grandma,Copy !req
198. she shouldn't have
mouthed off like that!"Copy !req
199. Dad, don't you see
you're abusing your powerCopy !req
200. like all vigilantes?Copy !req
201. I mean, if you're the police,
who will police the police?Copy !req
202. I dunno.
Coast Guard?Copy !req
203. Homer, wasn't the whole point
to catch the cat burglar?Copy !req
204. And I still don't have
my saxophone.Copy !req
205. Lisa, the mob is working on
getting your saxophone back,Copy !req
206. but we've also expanded
into other important areas.Copy !req
207. Literacy programs,Copy !req
208. preserving our beloved
covered bridges,Copy !req
209. world domination.Copy !req
210. - World domination?
- That might be a typo.Copy !req
211. Mental note:Copy !req
212. The girl knows too much.Copy !req
213. Mr. Simpson, how do you respond
to the chargeCopy !req
214. that petty vandalism
such as graffiti is down 80%,Copy !req
215. while heavy sack beatings
are up a shocking 900%?Copy !req
216. People can
come up with statisticsCopy !req
217. to prove anything, Kent.Copy !req
218. Forfty percent
of all people know that.Copy !req
219. I see. Well, what do you
say to the accusationCopy !req
220. that your group
has been causing more crimesCopy !req
221. than it's been preventing?Copy !req
222. Kent, I'd be lyingCopy !req
223. if I said my men
weren't committing crimes.Copy !req
224. Touché.Copy !req
225. Well, it looks like
we have our first caller.Copy !req
226. And I mean ever because
this is not a call-in show.Copy !req
227. - Hello. You're on the air.
- Hello, Kent.Copy !req
228. Hello, Homer, my arch nemesis.Copy !req
229. Y'ello.Copy !req
230. You do realize who this is.Copy !req
231. Marge?Copy !req
232. No, Homer, I'm not your wife,Copy !req
233. although I do enjoy her pearls.Copy !req
234. As a matter of fact,
I'm holding them right now.Copy !req
235. Listen.Copy !req
236. Why, you monster!Copy !req
237. And you have my daughter's
saxophone too!Copy !req
238. Homer!
That's our stage manager!Copy !req
239. Sorry.
I'm a little nervous.Copy !req
240. It may interest you to know
that for my next crime,Copy !req
241. I'll be pinching
the pride and joy ofCopy !req
242. the Springfield Museum,Copy !req
243. the world's largest
cubic zirconia.Copy !req
244. Listen, Mr. Cat Burglar.Copy !req
245. I vow to go without sleepCopy !req
246. and guard the Springfield Museum
day and nightCopy !req
247. for as long as it takes
from now on,Copy !req
248. unless you want to taunt me moreCopy !req
249. by giving me
an approximate time.Copy !req
250. - We'll be right back.
- I get to say that!Copy !req
251. Son, we want to help you
catch that plug-ugly yegg.Copy !req
252. Dad, the best way
for you to helpCopy !req
253. is to set a good example.Copy !req
254. Just stand around
and don't steal anything.Copy !req
255. - Hey!
- We're on our break!Copy !req
256. - Any sign of the burglar yet?
- He'll show.Copy !req
257. - How's that?
- It's his job.Copy !req
258. - How's that?
- He's a burglar.Copy !req
259. Well, Mr. Cat Burglar.Copy !req
260. You'd like to get in here,
wouldn't you?Copy !req
261. There's just
one little problem...Copy !req
262. Thirty-six years ago,
some lady gave birth toCopy !req
263. a man named Homer J. Simp...
My God!Copy !req
264. Underage kids drinking beer
without a permit!Copy !req
265. Chug! Chug! Chug!Copy !req
266. Chug! Chug! Chug!Copy !req
267. "Asleep at the switch"?Copy !req
268. I wasn't asleep.
I was drunk!Copy !req
269. I believe you, Dad.Copy !req
270. Well, no matter
what the paper says,Copy !req
271. I still have a job to do.Copy !req
272. Go home, Simpson!Copy !req
273. You let me down, man!Copy !req
274. Now I don't believe
in nothing no more.Copy !req
275. I'm going to law school.Copy !req
276. No!Copy !req
277. Dad, maybe this
will cheer you up.Copy !req
278. This doesn't work anymore.Copy !req
279. I didn't say stop.Copy !req
280. My. I had no ideaCopy !req
281. how much this town loved
that zirconia.Copy !req
282. Let me through!
Coming through!Copy !req
283. Grandpa, they pelted you too?Copy !req
284. No, actually I fell down
at the Big Boy.Copy !req
285. Son, I've come to help you.Copy !req
286. I know who the cat burglar is.Copy !req
287. - What?
- Who?Copy !req
288. What?Copy !req
289. Well, well, well.Copy !req
290. Before, I was too old
and no one wanted my help.Copy !req
291. Suddenly, look who comes
to old grandpa with...Copy !req
292. Wait! Where are you going?
Come back. I'll tell you.Copy !req
293. He was right under my nose
the whole time.Copy !req
294. He lives in my retirement home.Copy !req
295. His name is Malloy.Copy !req
296. Wow! How'd you
track him down, Grandpa?Copy !req
297. Good question.Copy !req
298. On one of my frequent trips
to the ground...Copy !req
299. I noticed Malloy
wore sneakers...Copy !req
300. for sneaking!Copy !req
301. My next clue came just yesterdayCopy !req
302. at the museum.Copy !req
303. We felt slighted
by your age bashingCopy !req
304. and started home.Copy !req
305. Malloy said,
"I'll catch up with you."Copy !req
306. I couldn't quite
put my finger on it.Copy !req
307. There was something strange
about the way he walked.Copy !req
308. Much more vertical than usual.Copy !req
309. And finally, Malloy,
unlike most retired people,Copy !req
310. has the world's largest
cubic zirconiaCopy !req
311. on his coffee table.Copy !req
312. Aw, Dad, I could kiss ya!Copy !req
313. Well, kiss me right here.Copy !req
314. It's the only part
that still has feeling.Copy !req
315. Mwah!Copy !req
316. No, wait!Copy !req
317. I know where the burglar is!Copy !req
318. - To the retirement home!
- Hooray!Copy !req
319. Let's go!Copy !req
320. And there she is,Copy !req
321. the world's largest
cubic zirconia.Copy !req
322. What an eyesore!Copy !req
323. So, Mr. Malloy,Copy !req
324. it seems that the cat
has been caughtCopy !req
325. by the very person
that was trying to catch him.Copy !req
326. - How ironic.
- Homer, old chap, well done.Copy !req
327. If anyone was going to catch me,Copy !req
328. I'm glad it was you.Copy !req
329. Actually, it wasn't me.
It was my dad, Grandpa.Copy !req
330. Thanks, son.Copy !req
331. So you see, old people
aren't so useless after all.Copy !req
332. Malloy's old, and he
outsmarted the lot of you.Copy !req
333. And I'm even older,
and I outsmarted him!Copy !req
334. - Shut up.
- I've had my moment.Copy !req
335. And of course,
I'm happy to returnCopy !req
336. all of your
treasured possessions.Copy !req
337. Selma, my dear,Copy !req
338. your lock of MacGyver's hair.Copy !req
339. Thank you.
I'll add it to the ball.Copy !req
340. And little Lisa,
here's your saxophone.Copy !req
341. Thank you, and thank you, Dad.Copy !req
342. You got it back,Copy !req
343. just like you said you would.Copy !req
344. I sincerely regret
any inconvenienceCopy !req
345. I may have caused,Copy !req
346. and although I have stolen
your material goods,Copy !req
347. let me assure you
that your dear townCopy !req
348. has stolen my heart.Copy !req
349. Aww!Copy !req
350. - He's so charming.
- Let's let him go.Copy !req
351. - Yeah!
- Sorry, folks.Copy !req
352. Gee, I really hate to spoil
this little love-in,Copy !req
353. but Mr. Malloy
broke the law.Copy !req
354. And when you break the law,
you gotta go to jail.Copy !req
355. That reminds me.
Here's your monthly kickback.Copy !req
356. You just... You couldn't
have picked a worse time.Copy !req
357. I caught the cat burglar!Copy !req
358. I caught the cat burglar!Copy !req
359. That means you!
You are the cat burglar!Copy !req
360. I suppose you're
wondering where I hidCopy !req
361. all the millions of dollars
that I stole over the years.Copy !req
362. - Shut up!
- Wait a minute.Copy !req
363. Maybe we should hear him out.Copy !req
364. Where'd you hide
the loot, Malloy?Copy !req
365. It's buried right here
in Springfield,Copy !req
366. under a big "T."Copy !req
367. No kidding.Copy !req
368. Big "T,"Copy !req
369. Well, I guess I'll be going
to my home nowCopy !req
370. and sleep.Copy !req
371. Yeah, me too.Copy !req
372. I will also go home...
for sleep.Copy !req
373. Let me through!
I gotta find a big "T"!Copy !req
374. There's millions of dollars
buried under a big "T"!Copy !req
375. What?Copy !req
376. We need more information.Copy !req
377. Very well. It's buried
at 4723 Maple Valley Road.Copy !req
378. You take highway 201
south for 15 minutes.Copy !req
379. You take a left, a left...Copy !req
380. Whoa!
That was fun, ladies!Copy !req
381. What's the matter with you, kid?Copy !req
382. You told me
the stream was shallow!Copy !req
383. Why, you... I...Copy !req
384. You. Kid.Copy !req
385. I'll get even with you.Copy !req
386. Hordes of panicky people seem
to be evacuating the townCopy !req
387. for some unknown reason.Copy !req
388. Professor,Copy !req
389. without knowing precisely
what the danger is,Copy !req
390. would you say it's time
for our viewers toCopy !req
391. crack each other's heads openCopy !req
392. and feast on the goo inside?Copy !req
393. Yes, I would, Kent.Copy !req
394. Whoa.
I found something.Copy !req
395. Come on.
Pull it out.Copy !req
396. - It's just a piece of paper.
- It's mine!Copy !req
397. "Frightfully sorry,Copy !req
398. "but there is no
hidden treasure.Copy !req
399. "I have already used this time
to escape from your jail.Copy !req
400. Fondest wishes..."Copy !req
401. I can't make out the signature!Copy !req
402. Keep digging. We're bound
to find something.Copy !req
403. I guess we're
not gonna find anything.Copy !req
404. How are we gonna
get out of here?Copy !req
405. We'll dig our way out!Copy !req
406. No, no.
Dig up, stupid.Copy !req
407. Shh!Copy !req
408. ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.Copy !req