The IT Crowd 1x3

Directed by Graham Linehan

Hannah Bourne as Rebecca • Oliver Chris as Daniel Carey • Carsten Hayes as Waiter • Alice Lowe as Patricia • Chris Tarrant as Chris Tarrant (voice)

Moss and Roy go on a lonely hearts website. Meanwhile Jen meets the man of her dreams.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Oh here we are.

2. Your place, your place.

3. La maison de la femme.

4. El casa del senorita.

5. Das haus die frau.

6. I'll just walk you to the door.

7. There's no need, it's fine, I can get there on my own.

8. So I guess this is arrivaderci.

9. I quite fancy a cup of tea though.

10. Glass of water maybe?

11. Perhaps a little lie down.

12. I have to tell you something.

13. I wanted to say it in the restaurant

14. but a good time never came up

15. and I wasn't going to say it, but I have to—

16. You've got shit on your head.

17. What?

18. There's some shit on your head.

19. What?

20. Where? Where?

21. It's been there for ages.

22. Oh god! Oh god!

23. It's chocolate.

24. It's chocolate, it's not shit.

25. It's not shit. It's not desert.

26. I don't know how it got there but it's on my fingers.

27. It's not shit.

28. Thank god for that.

29. Do you know I've just spent the last hour

30. thinking you were some sort of disgusting tramp.

31. No, no. That's funny.

32. Oh... oh how about that cup of tea now?

33. I was a perfect gentleman

34. last night from beginning to end,

35. oh but she can't see past

36. a little bit of shit on my forehead.

37. Yes chocolate, yes I meant chocolate.

38. I forgot to turn this thing on.

39. Hello I.T.

40. Hi something's wrong with my computer.

41. Have you tried turning it off and on again?

42. No I'll do that, thanks.

43. You're welcome mate.

44. The one time I manage to bamboozle

45. a girl in the building into going out with me

46. and this happens.

47. Oh she's going to tell everyone.

48. Oh come on she's a receptionist.

49. She'd hardly gossip.

50. Besides it's a boring story.

51. Yeah, yeah it's boring, boring.

52. She won't tell anyone.

53. Hello.

54. Sorry.

55. She might have told Jen.

56. No, no that's what I'm saying.

57. It wasn't, it was chocolate. It was chocolate.

58. I don't know, I don't know it got on my fingers

59. Look listen, how did you even hear about this mum?

60. Moss, Moss, there's a spider in my office,

61. could you deal with it, I just hate spiders.

62. Oh ah, yeah I'm not overly fond of them myself there Jen.

63. How, how big is, whoa, hey now.

64. I tell you what I'd actually recommend

65. my good friend Roy there as the go to guy

66. on anything with more than seven eyes.

67. He's on a very brief personal call right now.

68. No you're right I'm being silly.

69. Wrap it up Roy.

70. Oh look it seems to have left of it's own volition.

71. - Oh be a man Moss. - You're right, I'll be a man.

72. I'm a man.

73. Please don't shut the door.

74. I won't.

75. Good bye Jen.

76. That was my mother.

77. How did she hear about it?

78. Oh was that the woman who phoned earlier,

79. because I've just been telling everybody.

80. Why would you want to go out with Patricia anyway?

81. I mean her last boyfriend was Simon from third.

82. Jen?

83. Hi you.

84. Hello there.

85. Have you caught it yet?

86. Not quite Jen.

87. The spider's managed to walk behind me

88. and it's between me and the door.

89. So I can't get out.

90. Simon from third is the one with the hair.

91. Oh him! Oh he's awful.

92. He once ate a copy of Loaded for a bet.

93. She liked him?

94. Well I mean that explains everything.

95. She likes the kind of big obnoxious guy

96. who eats Loaded.

97. Hello Daniel how are you?

98. Oh I'm great thanks. How are you?

99. I'm great.

100. Can either of you tell me okay,

101. okay who wrote 'Missa brevis' in D minor?

102. Was it Mozart or Beethoven?

103. That was a certain Mister Mozart

104. Oh right do you know a lot about classical music.

105. Petit pois.

106. Mozart Beethoven. Fifty, fifty isn't it?

107. No actually you were right it was,

108. Yes. Okay so let's try another one.

109. Okay here we are in what year did Mozart die?

110. Was it 1780 or 1791?

111. 91.

112. Yes, yes bang on. Wow.

113. God I hope he doesn't come in again.

114. Jen?

115. Yes.

116. Is off the phone yet?

117. The spider is now upon my person.

118. You guys don't mind me chilling out in here do you?

119. No, chill out.

120. Did you see the match last night?

121. - Oh yeah. - Oh yeah.

122. - God. - Did we?

123. Wow what a match.

124. Oh, all of the players running up the pitch.

125. And running down it again, such athleticism.

126. What was Rooney thinking of though?

127. Who knows?

128. That Rooney he is a foolish boy.

129. Yeah but that referee,

130. Yes he was certainly the villain of the piece.

131. Oh Daniel. You're still here.

132. Yeah just having a little break.

133. Do you want to come and join me?

134. Oh stop it.

135. just give me a call okay.

136. Yeah, we'll be fine I think thanks.

137. Actually, do you have a card?

138. See you.

139. You like him.

140. Who?

141. Oh that good looking man with 'Security'

142. written on his shoulder.

143. Yes, yes I do.

144. He seems really nice.

145. Oh yeah because that's what you women want.

146. Nice guys.

147. What are you talking about Roy?

148. If my date last night proved anything

149. it's that you ladies, you don't want nice guys.

150. I think if your date proved anything

151. it's that women like men

152. without pooh on their forehead.

153. That's our type.

154. She clearly just didn't want a gentleman in her life.

155. I hate to generalize you know that,

156. but all women just want bastards.

157. That women liking bastards thing is a total myth.

158. I've tried turning it off and on again

159. and nothing happened.

160. Is it definitely plugged in?

161. Let me have a look.

162. Oh sorry that's it, thanks very much.

163. You're welcome mate.

164. It's just not true.

165. Women don't want gentlemen they want bullies and thugs.

166. How will you prove it to me Roy?

167. Oh okay I'll put on a classified ad on line.

168. A classified?

169. Yeah like a lonely hearts thing,

170. and I still bet I get a bezillion replies.

171. Oh dear god.

172. Come on, how much?

173. I'll give you twenty quid if you get one response.

174. Oh, my god no, it's all about body fluids with you isn't it?

175. Come on Moss we need to get to work.

176. Yes we need to post a classified lonely hearts ad

177. on line that makes me sound like a psycho

178. so that I can prove to Jen that all women love bastards

179. and therefore win twenty pounds.

180. Oh thank God I thought that thing was broken.

181. 'Do as I tell you.' 'I'm not interested.'

182. you'll be hearing if you answer this ad.

183. I'm an idiot and I don't care about anyone

184. but myself.

185. P.S no dogs.

186. That's good.

187. What's yours?

188. Mine doesn't look any good now.

189. Go on.

190. I'm going to murder you.

191. You bloody woman.

192. Might want to play a bit hard to get.

193. If you were a murderer what would your nickname be?

194. because I'd always leave a rose at the scene of the crime.

195. What would your murder weapon be?

196. A hammer.

197. Hey Moss.

198. Would you like to go for dinner with me?

199. And then maybe back to my place?

200. I'd love to Jen but I'm actually helping

201. Roy at the moment.

202. No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

203. Who does this remind you of yeah?

204. Do you want to go on a date with me?

205. Gandhi?

206. No, no the other one Bono.

207. Oh yes, yes it's like there was two of me.

208. Come on get your money ready, twenty pounds.

209. Hey hello...

210. it's security.

211. I hope I'm not in any danger.

212. Oh, my god it's not shit.

213. On my head it's not shit.

214. It's chocolate spread.

215. Taste it.

216. No.

217. Oh no, no that is, oh that is...

218. Ringo Starr?

219. I'll be wondering about that all night.

220. How do you know about this site?

221. Oh I'm a member.

222. You do the whole lonely hearts thing?

223. I'm a thirty two year old I.T man

224. who works in a basement.

225. Yes I do the whole lonely hearts thing.

226. So as you can clearly see it wasn't excrement

227. I was playing a joke, it was chocolate.

228. Jen it's okay I've got it.

229. Don't worry about it.

230. Listen what are you doing tonight?

231. - I got a response! - Oh that was quick.

232. Oh something happened with the routers this morning,

233. we're back to pre broadband speed.

234. Dear.

235. But we're on the phone now.

236. Why can't you just ask me now.

237. I can't Jen, trust me.

238. Why should I trust you?

239. Because I know what's good for you.

240. Listen you have to be home

241. between eight and nine tonight.

242. Okay. This sounds exciting.

243. Look it might not happen okay,

244. Well now I don't know if this is exciting or not.

245. Jen, Jen it's exciting.

246. Would be very interested in meeting up and talking

247. it over, love Rebecca.

248. Oh, my god, what did we write again?

249. It started with shut up.

250. Oh there's more.

251. I attach a photograph for your approval or not.

252. All right let's have a look at you, you mad thing.

253. Nice hair so far.

254. Eyebrows seem normal.

255. Two eyes.

256. That's the best amount of eyes.

257. Nice eyes too.

258. It has to go wrong, she must have a shite nose.

259. Oh do you remember the internet at this speed.

260. Up all night and you'd see eight women.

261. - Good nose. - That is a good nose.

262. The mouth has to be wrong, there's got to be

263. something wrong with the mouth.

264. Now that's a good looking woman.

265. Shall I tell Jen we got a reply?

266. Roy?

267. Roy?

268. Roy?

269. Roy?

270. Hello Daniel. I mean hello.

271. Jen?

272. from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

273. Oh, my god. Chris Tarrant, hello.

274. Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

275. is going to be Daniels.

276. But before I put you on with him,

277. he's asked me to ask you a question.

278. Okay you can ask me a question.

279. if you'll go out for dinner with him tomorrow night?

280. Really, yes.

281. Of course I will.

282. Oh, my god, yes, yes, yes.

283. Yes that's great Jen.

284. Right now let me fill you in on what's happening.

285. Daniel's doing very well although he had just used

286. his fifty fifty, now here's Daniel.

287. Daniel you've got thirty seconds starting from now.

288. Okay yeah. - Hello Daniel.

289. Yeah, hi Jen, hi Jen.

290. Okay who composed the Wooden Prince.

291. Was it A Bartok, B, Chopin.

292. Did you see I'm a Millionaire last night?

293. Who wants to be a Millionaire it's called.

294. Well you are not going to Adam and believe this.

295. Okay do these make me look like a bastard?

296. Why do you want to look like a bastard?

297. I've got that date tonight, she's expecting a monster.

298. Do these make me look like a bastard?

299. They make you look like an idiot.

300. - Anyway did you see it? - What?

301. Do You Want To Be A Millionaire.

302. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

303. Ah, who wants to be a person who is wrong.

304. Whoa, whoa, what happened?

305. - If I may? - Sure.

306. Guess who was on it last night?

307. - You? - No Daniel.

308. Daniel was on Millionaire?

309. And it was the do you want to phone a friend section...

310. - It's just one friend. - Anyway...

311. She was the phone a friend?

312. She was the phone a friend.

313. You were phone a friend?

314. Oh what was the subject?

315. Is the extraordinary answer to that question,

316. so who of course is Daniel our esteemed temp

317. security guard going to phone?

318. But Jonathan Miller over here.

319. Daniel was on Millionaire.

320. Too bad it wasn't fifty, fifty.

321. It was.

322. - And? - I got it wrong.

323. I cost him thirty one thousand pounds.

324. It isn't funny though.

325. Wow the rules on that show have really changed.

326. No, you don't understand he asked me out on the show

327. before I got the question wrong,

328. it was all very romantic, but now I don't think

329. he likes me now.

330. with the biggest loser in England.

331. There you are Daniel.

332. - Hello. - Hi, you.

333. We going to go for this meal then?

334. Yeah.

335. I'm going to take you to one of my favourite

336. restaurants.

337. Right.

338. I'll pay, it really is the least I can do.

339. Oh, my god.

340. Did you see that look.

341. I have a dinner date with that man.

342. If I'm not here tomorrow I want you to call the police.

343. Maybe not the best time to mention it

344. but also you owe me twenty quid.

345. What? You got a response?

346. The one that ends in 'no dogs'?

347. Oh, my god brilliant, more money gone.

348. Well now the money that Daniel lost

349. It would have been if I'd married him Moss.

350. Maybe if he likes the food he won't beat me

351. to death with a shoe.

352. to one of your favourite restaurants?

353. Haven't you got it yet?

354. That's what I do, I lie.

355. I lie and I lie and I lie.

356. Well I went to a good place recently.

357. Nice atmosphere. The food's great.

358. - Really? - Yes what?

359. Sorry I just didn't have you down as a restaurant person.

360. why wouldn't I be a restaurant person?

361. Cheese string?

362. No thanks.

363. - What's this place called? - Mesijos.

364. - Is that French? - French, no it's English.

365. Oh, okay thank you Moss, yeah I'll give that a go.

366. Okay I need a place to bring this girl that says

367. Well, I went to a good place recently,

368. it's got a nice atmosphere, the food's great.

369. It's got a bit of an edge.

370. - Mesijos. - What is that Spanish?

371. No. Spanish? It's English.

372. Mesijos

373. Okey dokey, you get the firecracker nachos.

374. And you get the prawn bites with spicy salsa.

375. This seems like an unusual place

376. for someone like you to want to meet.

377. Yeah well everyone needs a place to come to be alone.

378. Can we have a clown over here please?

379. You're a loner?

380. I'm a loner all right.

381. I'm just a lonely loner

382. on the lonely road.

383. Alone.

384. Do you always wear shades?

385. Always, it helps me hide the fact

386. I'm always lying to women.

387. ' Everyone is having, having fun, fun, fun '

388. ' because everything is nice and everyone is friendly. '

389. ' Lots of friendly faces having fun, fun, fun. '

390. ' Because everything is nice and everyone is friendly. '

391. ' Smile and the world will. '

392. Excuse me, excuse me, it's just it's not,

393. sorry it's just not appropriate at the moment.

394. Ha, ha you're that bloke off the telly.

395. And you must be the woman he phoned.

396. Funniest thing I've seen in ages.

397. God I'm a bastard.

398. Yes, so you keep saying.

399. Trouble is basically what I am.

400. Oh, thank you.

401. You know something I don't think

402. you're a bastard at all.

403. I am so.

404. I am a complete tool.

405. I know her.

406. - What's going on? - Stay out of this.

407. You're frightening the kids.

408. - I don't care. - You're a brute.

409. This bloke just insulted me.

410. Hey be more careful with the clown shoe there mister.

411. Just hold you head back.

412. He caught me by surprise.

413. Oh, when I see him tomorrow though.

414. - That was his last day. - Oh, thank god.

415. Oh, my god look.

416. Well if you're coming can you just bloody hurry up.

417. I'm coming, I'm... - For god's sake.

418. I just wanted to take my shoes off.

419. They look like such fools.

420. - Oh no, no, no it's fine. - Taxi!

421. Oh don't be stupid it's cold.

422. Taxi! Here...

423. I don't really think the bet proved anything.

424. Taxi!

425. - Thanks I just want to say - Night then.

426. Hi girls my name is Maurice Moss or Moss for short.

427. Sorry about the sound quality but I'm having to do

428. this in the toilet of my mum's house.

429. She's watching Diagnosis Murder at full volume

430. and it drives me up the wall.

431. Don't worry though I'm sitting on the toilet

432. but I'm not using it.

433. - What? Moss.

434. Number two's leave me alone.

435. don't block it up like you usually do.

436. Just stop doing it, you're always doing it,

437. you're making it go back in.

438. Now...