The IT Crowd 1x2

Directed by Graham Linehan

Chris Morris as Denholm Reynholm • Rachel Bavidge as Stressed Woman • Togo Igawa as Japanese Boss • Toby Longworth as Dr. Julian Holmes • Pamela Lyne as Old Lady

Denholm tries to reduce stress in the work place and invites a stress expert to give the employees a class about dealing with stress. Meanwhile, Jen buys new shoes that are a few sizes too small, which leads to a very painful result.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Has this ever happened to you?

2. From today dialing 999

3. wouldn't get you the emergency services.

4. And that's not the only thing that's changing.

5. Nicer ambulances, faster response times

6. and better looking drivers

7. mean they're not 'The Emergency Services'

8. they're your emergency services.

9. So remember the new number.

10. 0118 999 881

11. 999 119 725

12. That's...

13. 0118 999 881

14. 999 119 7253

15. Hello,

16. I've had a bit of a tumble.

17. Well that's easy to remember.

18. 0118 999 88199

19. 9119 725 3

20. I don't know why they just couldn't keep it as it was.

21. How hard is it to remember 911?

22. - You mean 999. - I mean 999.

23. - That was the American one. - Yeah.

24. You berk!

25. Morning.

26. You know, they are beautiful, I love them.

27. In fact they're the most beautiful

28. You know I can't have everything that I love,

29. And actually they're red which is quite tarty

30. with any of my outfits although...

31. Come on you crazy bitch. Come on.

32. Denholm's called a general.

33. Oh god, another one?

34. I bet he declares war on something.

35. He loves declaring war.

36. I am declaring war!

37. I can see that got your attention.

38. What am I declaring war on?

39. My bollocks.

40. Stress!

41. Stress is a disease people and I am the cure.

42. I'm a doctor with a cure.

43. No I'm not I'm a general and it's still a war.

44. A war on disease.

45. Stress!

46. There's too much stress around here...

47. They're very expensive

48. they were way too small for me so you know be practical.

49. over eighty million people have died of stress.

50. That's another one.

51. That's another one.

52. More.

53. Mayhem we've got to deal with it.

54. Are you ready to deal with it?

55. No.

56. Say I hate stress.

57. No, you didn't let me finish.

58. Say I hate stress

59. and I want to limit it's influence in my life,

60. what can I do about it?

61. Anyone?

62. Have a bath?

63. Have a bath?

64. Get a bike.

65. I cycle to work every day.

66. both here and here are as red as a fire engine.

67. Any other ideas?

68. Jen what about you?

69. Shoes.

70. What?

71. Shoes.

72. Or shoes.

73. I have invited Dr Julian Holmes

74. to come and give a class at lunchtime.

75. He is Europe's leading stress expert.

76. They call them' stressperts'.

77. and picking up a few tips on how to manage stress.

78. There's a free buffet.

79. Good.

80. Good people.

81. Oh, by the way

82. anyone still experiencing stress at the end of the day,

83. will be fired!

84. It's not going on.

85. No, I think it is though.

86. Just angle it a bit more.

87. Are you sure you're a five?

88. Yeah, I'm not a liar.

89. Just, I can feel the heel going in to the shoe,

90. There is no angle that I could...

91. just lean in with the shoe, lean in with the shoe.

92. We've been here for half an hour.

93. The shoes aren't going on, they're two sizes too small

94. and even if they did go on they would cripple you.

95. You don't want that do you?

96. I myself have been subject to some terrible rages—

97. Yes?

98. I'm sorry, is this stress class?

99. Oh, yeah, come on in.

100. Moss!

101. It's in here!

102. Moss!

103. Come on in.

104. Sorry.

105. Um, sorry.

106. Thank you.

107. Are you all right?

108. Um, as I was saying,

109. I myself have been subject to some terrible rages

110. where I've snapped at my wife,

111. or spoken harshly to a work colleague

112. because of stress.

113. In fact just thinking about it

114. now I realise I'm raising my voice,

115. so I'm sorry.

116. Stress is the main cause of heart attacks

117. and even a little bit,

118. well let me show you what stress can do.

119. I'm going to need a volunteer.

120. Yes, come on up.

121. Can I have your left hand there,

122. sit back and just relax.

123. I'm going to ask you a very personal question.

124. There you are you see.

125. It's all right I'm not going to ask you anything at all,

126. that's just to show how little is needed

127. to send our stress levels shooting up,

128. just a simple statement like that has registered

129. very strongly on the display.

130. - Yeah. - Okay, I'll just take this off.

131. I'm going to kill you!

132. Right up look at that.

133. Brilliant, brilliant, excellent

134. it's a super machine.

135. Wow, great shoes.

136. Thank you very much.

137. I really envy women with dainty feet.

138. What are you a five?

139. Yes.

140. Just a little misunderstanding there

141. I should imagine so let's move on.

142. I actually haven't had a proper go yet.

143. I don't think that should count what happened there.

144. Actually I don't think that's fair,

145. for nearly killing that lady.

146. Well, I think I should go first.

147. Okay, well let's move on.

148. When did you grow your beard?

149. Let's move on.

150. Oh, shut up!

151. What are you eating?

152. Muffin.

153. How can you be hungry you ate a whole chicken

154. at the stress buffet.

155. What's that?

156. Oh, I've made a stress machine to try out on myself

157. like the one in that class.

158. Watch this.

159. I'm going to ask myself a very personal question.

160. Don't worry

161. I'm not really going to ask myself any questions.

162. It's not as good as the one in the stress class.

163. The shoes!

164. What was all that about?

165. Well, like all women she's shoe mad.

166. That's a bit sexist isn't it?

167. You know, one woman who isn't obsessed with shoes?

168. And she just left the room shouting 'the shoes'.

169. - The needle's freaking out! - Try not to hurt yourself.

170. Did you use a soldering iron to make that stress machine?

171. Yes.

172. You turned it off?

173. Oh, I'm fairly sure I did.

174. Because you remember what happened last time right?

175. Yes, that was very funny.

176. Well, no,

177. it was very dangerous and someone nearly died.

178. Right, no,

179. yeah, I'm thinking of a different incident.

180. The one on the golf course.

181. What?

182. I'm talking about the fire!

183. I always get mixed up between golf and fire.

184. Just make sure it's off.

185. It is off I think.

186. Well, just make sure it is.

187. I will make sure it is.

188. And if it's already off...

189. I'll just walk away.

190. What is he the soldering iron police!

191. It's off, that means I turn it on

192. and just walk away.

193. Oh, four, I mean five, I mean fire!

194. Now lets see what we have here.

195. Stand upright.

196. Now I can't read it.

197. Oh, not me.

198. I am a giddy goat.

199. Okay, remove safety clip.

200. Don't look at my feet.

201. Fire.

202. Fire?

203. No.

204. Aim nozzle at base of fire.

205. Oh, that is typical!

206. Why has it done that?

207. Oh!

208. Er, I'll just put this over here

209. with the rest of the fire.

210. Um,

211. 011 no 011 no...

212. 0118 999 ... 3.

213. Hello, is this the emergency services?

214. Then which country am I speaking to?

215. Hello?

216. Hello?

217. I know.

218. Okay, subject, fire.

219. Dear, Sir stroke madam, I am writing to inform you

220. of a fire which has broken out at the premises of...

221. no that's too formal.

222. Dear, sir stroke madam.

223. Fire.

224. Exclamation mark.

225. Fire.

226. Exclamation mark.

227. Help me.

228. Exclamation mark.

229. 123 Carenden Road.

230. Looking forward to hearing from you,

231. all the best, Maurice Moss.

232. What are you wearing size five shoes for woman?

233. You're at least an eight.

234. Eight!

235. That foot is completely mangled.

236. And the other one's even worse

237. you're not wearing these again.

238. But I threw away my other shoes,

239. what am I supposed to wear?

240. Hello!

241. Hello!

242. Can I have a go on your machine now?

243. Hello, again?

244. Oh, hi.

245. Please thank Haiamusa San

246. for this fine ceremonial sword.

247. It is a magnificent symbol of our new merger.

248. I am sorry that my gift, a huge pair of Doc Martens

249. with extremely thick and heavy soles

250. is so paltry in comparison.

251. Please rest assured that my cultural advisor

252. will be fired as soon as this meeting is over.

253. These are very heavy shoes.

254. Yes.

255. It feels like Godzilla.

256. Does he?

257. Godzilla.

258. Go on stamp your feet.

259. Clap him, Mac, good.

260. The Jap loves it.

261. Go on break something.

262. Put your weight into it.

263. - You ing idiot!

264. What are you doing?

265. You stupid little

266. Y think you're a big man shoes,

267. well, I'm not.

268. You're nothing but a

269. I am so sorry, Denholm.

270. That was quite a tirade, Jen.

271. if Paul hadn't been so quick on the profanity buzzer.

272. you're back on the payroll.

273. As for you, you fucked up.

274. Shouting at Japs.

275. Mad feet, both classic signs of stress.

276. And you know how I feel about stress.

277. Go to your office and wait for me.

278. The weirdest thing just happened.

279. Fire!

280. I've sent an e-mail it's fine.

281. An e-mail?

282. Where's the big... the bigstinguisher?

283. Made in Britain.

284. This is just like the golf incident.

285. You mean, the fire incident?

286. Oh, I'm in trouble. I'm in real trouble.

287. Help me get my shoes on before Denholm comes.

288. Yeah, and he's going to fire...

289. I've taken care of it.

290. I have to say I feel a little bit insulted

291. by the lack of faith you're both displaying.

292. What happened to your feet?

293. demands a little more attention than my feet, don't you?

294. How did you get the stress machine, Roy?

295. Um, don't really know.

296. Met Doctor Holmes by the lifts.

297. Wasn't he nice?

298. I thought he was a lovely man.

299. Yeah, I thought he was a delight.

300. But I met him there by the lifts

301. and he just went mental.

302. And er one thing led to another and I just,

303. I stole it.

304. You stole it?

305. Yes.

306. But that's stealing.

307. Yeah, didn't know what a stress machine

308. was this morning and now we have two of them.

309. I hate to remind everyone

310. but I just destroyed a merger

311. to set up, the office is on fire.

312. Denholm is furious so could we please, please

313. concentrate on what's important

314. and help me on with my shoes.

315. We're going to get into trouble.

316. Empty.

317. Got a little bit there.

318. No, no wait now, these are a size five.

319. What are you eight and a half?

320. Oh, shut up. Come on.

321. Push it on don't pull away.

322. Is it in?

323. Come on yeah, come on.

324. Oh!

325. The heel went right through.

326. Oh, my god it hurts so much.

327. Oh, now I'm bleeding.

328. Jen!

329. - Where are you Jen! - It's Denholm.

330. What?

331. Hide the stress machine.

332. The stress machine?

333. Okay, put the stress machine in Jen's room.

334. He'll never go in there.

335. It doesn't matter, he won't know what it is.

336. I can't go to prison, Roy,

337. they'll rape the flip out of me.

338. You stall him by the door.

339. How?

340. I don't know, use your womanly ways.

341. Moss pass me that monitor, the broken one.

342. There you are.

343. It's no use being womanly with me, Jen,

344. you're in big trouble.

345. Nice screensaver.

346. Thank you.

347. Aha, a stress machine.

348. Just what we need.

349. Roll up your sleeves, Jen.

350. Let's get this over with.

351. It's a one way ticket to slammer town for us, Roy,

352. with no return ticket.

353. I really am losing quite a lot of blood.

354. You understand this is your last chance.

355. If the needle goes beyond here

356. you will be fired.

357. Does that make you feel stressed?

358. Jen, does it?

359. No? Are you sure?

360. Are you sure?

361. Are you sure?

362. Are you sure.

363. Are you sure?

364. Are you sure?

365. Are you sure?

366. Are you sure?

367. Are you sure?

368. Are you sure?

369. Are you sure?

370. Are you sure?

371. I don't think I'd flourish in a prison environment.

372. Can I try on your glasses?

373. See this balloon, Jen,

374. I'm going to burst it.

375. But I'm not going to tell you when.

376. Do you feel stressed, Jen?

377. Jen? Jen?

378. Look at that.

379. That's your peace of mind and it's going to go bang.

380. Do you feel stressed now?

381. Jen? Jen?

382. Jen? Jen?

383. Jen?

384. Jen?

385. Do you?

386. Evidently not.

387. Well done, Jen.

388. You're not being fired by me at this precise moment.

389. I love the way the smoke seems to be coming off

390. the top of it.

391. Just a second.

392. I'm late for golf.

393. I wonder why it didn't work.

394. Ah!

395. I don't know if it's the loss of blood

396. or the melting plastic from the monitor

397. but I feel great.

398. It's ironic but this entire situation

399. has been quite stressful.

400. I'll get help.

401. Did someone e-mail us about a fire?