The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 9

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Malcolm-Jamal Warner as Eric • Tim Haldeman as Bailiff • DJ Jazzy Jeff as Jazz • Richard McKenzie as Judge Harry Wilson • Marc Epstein as State Marshal

A pompous lawyer who's dating Hilary is no fan of Will's after he's sideswiped by Will's roadster.

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1. Honey, I'll be back in a minute. I'm gonna go get a snack.

2. Quick, jazz. Hide, man.

3. Aw, man, I thought you said your Uncle was asleep.

4. He was. He must've had that reoccurring nightmare

5. where he misses a meal.

6. Son, what are you doin' still up? It's a school night.

7. Um, uh...

8. Homework, Uncle Phil.

9. Watchin' a television program

10. on farm practices in the midwest.

11. Oh, look, Arnold the pig

12. is wearing Eddie Albert's pajamas.

13. Oh, yeah. I've seen that one.

14. Turn it off. Go to bed.

15. What is that smell?

16. Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I thought I was alone.

17. No, no. I don't mean that.

18. It smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken.

19. I resent that.

20. Oops.

21. Aah!

22. not shaking 'em, not tryin' to break 'em.

23. Yo, looking fo' little Jo.

24. Everybody screams when deuce deuce hits the flo'.

25. There. Right where you belong— in jail.

26. Hey, aunt Vivian, can I borrow some money

27. for protection while I'm in the slammer?

28. I am kind of cute, you know.

29. Sorry, baby. The rent just went up.

30. And I am moving on up to park place.

31. My turn.

32. Lookin' fo' little Jo.

33. Mama's gonna buy a new Gucci bag from the sto'.

34. We're home, everybody.

35. Uh, good evening, Mrs. Banks, Mr. Banks.

36. How wonderful it is to see

37. the whole family spending time together.

38. I thought that only happened on the cosby show.

39. Well, Eric, son, you're back early.

40. Oh, you know me, sir. I wouldn't want to, uh, violate your curfew.

41. It ain't his curfew he's worried you'll violatin'.

42. Hey, you must be Carlton.

43. Wow, your father really speaks highly

44. of all of you at the law firm.

45. No, no, no, my man. I'm will.

46. Who?

47. So, then, Eric, did you two have a nice time at dinner?

48. Oh, yes, ma'am.

49. The restaurant Mr. Banks recommended was excellent.

50. The view was magnificent,

51. and, of course, it was only enhanced by your beautiful daughter.

52. Oh, and I can definitely see where she gets her looks from.

53. Man, see, I thought you sucked up.

54. You're just a dustbuster

55. compared to that dude.

56. Oh, yeah? When I'm his age, I'll be twice the suck-up.

57. Eric, I don't know what it is,

58. but you look a little different this evening.

59. I made him take off those tired glasses.

60. Well, she thinks I look like Blair Underwood without them.

61. Obviously, hilary the one that need the glasses.

62. Um, I brought a video home. Would anybody care to watch?

63. Great, dad. I hope it's a James Bond film.

64. Close.

65. It's banks. Philip banks.

66. When I won the Markus vs. State of California case.

67. Um, honey, I'm sorry, but I'd love to watch,

68. but I have to, uh, balance my checkbook.

69. Uh, not without your banker.

70. I'd watch it with you, but...

71. I don't want to.

72. Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, Mr. Banks.

73. Now from what I studied about the case in law school,

74. you were brilliant.

75. Yeah. I was quite a litigator in those days.

76. Now it's a rare thing.

77. So, uh, hilary,

78. has Eric shown you his legal briefs?

79. I don't like that guy.

80. He's a pompous preppie suck-up.

81. He reminds me of someone.

82. I happen to like him.

83. He knows how to treat a woman with respect.

84. Yeah, that reminds me— I need a back seat

85. for my date tomorrow night.

86. Which means I'm gonna need the car. So give me the keys.

87. Tough luck, will. I have a meeting with my debate team.

88. Sorry, Carlton, but I have to buy a dress.

89. Hold on, hilary, that is not fair how you keep hogging the car.

90. Ok, ok, I'll compromise with you guys.

91. Let's play rock-paper-scissors.

92. No, no. Let's play three stooges. Hey, moe...

93. Come on, guys. All right, ready?

94. Ready... Set...

95. Shoot.

96. Well, scissors cut paper, will.

97. Well, rock breaks your scissors, Carlton.

98. Wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.

99. No, no, no. You lost, fair and square, will.

100. Looks like you're outta luck.

101. Carlton, I'll drop you off.

102. Wait, y'all. Now, hold it.

103. Don't paper get nothing?

104. Paper gets to ride his bike.

105. What is that?

106. Vivian, I think it's the big one.

107. Not unless it's down with o.P.P.

108. Yeah, you know me!

109. Surprise!

110. You've heard of the Batmobile.

111. Get a load of the rap mobile.

112. I have never seen so much trash in one car.

113. Yo...

114. Who cut the—

115. oh. Mr. Banks.

116. Sorry. I didn't see you...

117. As hard as that is to believe.

118. Will, where did you get this car?

119. Uh, I bought it, aunt viv,

120. with money I saved from my allowance

121. and my part-time job at the restaurant.

122. But did you get insurance?

123. Um, hey, check this out, Uncle Phil.

124. I got this fly stereo system.

125. Did you get insurance?

126. Um, all this stuff that I got in the car

127. I got from jazz's connection at the pep boys.

128. His mom used to date 'em.

129. But did you get insurance?

130. Uh, no, but I got this real fly Malcolm X air freshener.

131. Until I see some insurance papers,

132. you're not drivin' this car.

133. In fact, what kind of idiot

134. would sell a car without insurance?

135. I resent that.

136. Ah, the joke's on you, Mr. Banks. You can't throw me out.

137. 'Cause I'm already outside.

138. Aah!

139. Sweetheart, you look so delicious

140. without those glasses.

141. Would you take them off for your little hilary?

142. Not you, fool.

143. Can we please have some privacy?

144. First things first.

145. You're supposed to be my woman.

146. I'd like an explanation, if you please.

147. Ok, well, I'm Eric. How you doin'?

148. Suddenly I'm hungry for some fried chicken.

149. Come on, hilary. Let's get somethin' to eat.

150. Wait, wait, hold up, my brother.

151. You got this in reverse, man.

152. You already got her on the couch. Save your money.

153. Let me grab my wrap.

154. What about my rap?

155. Man, jazz, I—I can't believe this.

156. The malls are closing in 15 minutes,

157. the bus stop's gonna be packed with honeys,

158. and the rap mobile is on ice.

159. How Uncle Phil gonna play me?

160. Hilary an ignorant somebody.

161. She ain't even called me to tell me she quit me.

162. I deserve that much. I'm a man.

163. I mean, that's what I'm sayin'. I'm a man, too.

164. But Uncle Phil is an extremely bigger man.

165. Two can play that game.

166. Hey, I got an idea.

167. The malls are closin'.

168. Let's cruise down in your new rod and pick up some honeys.

169. Hold up, hold up.

170. Are you tellin' me that I should disobey my Uncle

171. and do somethin' he specifically told me not to do?

172. Won't be the first time. Posse out.

173. A wise Butler sees nothing, hears nothing,

174. and takes detailed notes for his book.

175. Ah, another chapter.

176. Damn, Eric. Didn't you see me backin' out the driveway?

177. Oh, I don't believe this.

178. Your piece of junk

179. just backed into the custom Fender

180. of a $35,000 automobile, pal.

181. You're gonna have to turn in

182. a lot of soda cans to pay for that.

183. Hey, I got a whole living room full of soda cans.

184. Oh, man. I don't believe this.

185. Look it, man. This thing used to say "cold chillin'."

186. Now it say "old chili."

187. Look, what's the name of your insurance company?

188. Yo fault.

189. Hey, look, I don't have none, and I don't need none, 'cause it's yo fault.

190. Look, hilary, can I use your phone, please?

191. Yeah. Go ahead.

192. And it better be a local call, too.

193. Uh, excuse me, Mr. And Mrs. Banks.

194. Mr. Banks, I have a little problem. I need some advice.

195. I'll meet you upstairs, pookie-pooh.

196. All right, son. Make it quick.

197. Um, sir, what would you do if you got into a, uh, Fender bender

198. with an acquaintance who is uninsured

199. and refuses to pay for damages?

200. Eric, you're a lawyer, and as a lawyer,

201. you can't let personal feelings enter into it.

202. Now anybody who drives a car without insurance

203. deserves a lesson.

204. I suggest you take him to court

205. and let justice prevail.

206. Well, thank you, sir.

207. Daddy...

208. Hey, hilary, don't worry about it.

209. It's all settled, sweetheart.

210. Will, I'll see you in court.

211. Court? Huh. There's a ball and a hoop out back.

212. We can go now, sucker.

213. Still hidin' from dad, huh?

214. Look, man. I am not hidin', all right?

215. I bought a car, I drove a car and I had a wreck.

216. So what? I'll tell Uncle Phil that to his face.

217. Oh, hi, dad.

218. Oh, no, that's extremely creative, Carlton.

219. Look behind you. There's dad.

220. Ooh.

221. Ooooh!

222. I sure hope Luther vandross is in the house.

223. Ahem.

224. Mr. Marshal.

225. State marshal.

226. I—I guess you're lookin' for will Smith.

227. There he is, my man. Right there.

228. I'm looking for Philip banks.

229. I'm Philip banks.

230. Sir, this is a subpoena.

231. Could you, uh, sign right here, please?

232. Have a nice day.

233. Heh heh heh.

234. I can't believe this.

235. Eric is taking me to court.

236. Can he do that?

237. Well, will is a minor.

238. I am his legal guardian.

239. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

240. Wait. Let me get this straight.

241. I buy a car,

242. I don't get insurance,

243. I get in a wreck,

244. and you get sued?

245. That's right, will.

246. Man, works for me.

247. Jazz, man, what are you tryin' to pull?

248. 10,000 a year for life.

249. You know what? I don't think it's quite tight enough.

250. Ok, ok, ok.

251. But you can't blame me

252. for my entrepreneurial spirit.

253. Banks— party of six, please.

254. Excuse me?

255. Oh, I'm sorry. I see they've already been seated.

256. Sorry. When I realized I'd have to raise my right hand,

257. I stopped to buy gloves.

258. Could you just die?

259. Why, hello, everyone. Heh heh.

260. Nice day, isn't it?

261. I don't have to answer that.

262. Mr. Banks,

263. I just wanted to wish you good luck.

264. Son, I'm not the one

265. who's going to need luck.

266. I'm not only going to win,

267. I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out.

268. I seen him do a lot of chewin',

269. but I ain't never seen him spit nothin' out.

270. All rise.

271. Division 43

272. of the Los Angeles municipal court

273. is now in session.

274. The honorable Harry Wilson presiding.

275. Be seated.

276. Let's see.

277. Case number 3005, Sanders vs. Banks.

278. Says here "the defendant will Smith

279. "allegedly sideswiped the plaintiff Eric Sanders

280. at the home of Philip banks."

281. Home.

282. Must be nice.

283. My wife took mine in our divorce settlement.

284. I hate her.

285. I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!

286. Well, then, Mr. Sanders,

287. would you like to approach the bench

288. and give us your opening statement?

289. Uh, yes, your honor.

290. And, uh, by the way,

291. I am deeply sorry

292. about your domestic situation.

293. Your honor, I was backing out of the banks' driveway

294. when I heard loud, obnoxious music

295. of the rap persuasion.

296. The next thing I knew,

297. will Smith recklessly sideswiped

298. my sole means of transportation.

299. I object, your honor.

300. Yes, your honor, I object.

301. This man is badgering the witness.

302. Young man, there is no witness.

303. I—I know.

304. I—I've just always wanted to say that.

305. I object because the volume of the stereo

306. has absolutely no bearing on my client's ability

307. to operate a vehicle.

308. Objection sustained.

309. Uh, Mr. Sanders, how much are you suing for?

310. $2,500 in damages.

311. Would the defense like to make an opening statement?

312. No, your honor.

313. I'd like to call my first witness,

314. will Smith.

315. Raise your right hand.

316. Do you swear to tell the truth,

317. the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

318. so help you God?

319. I do, and I categorically deny

320. all the charges against me.

321. This is something that's been drummed up

322. by the democrats!

323. My fault.

324. A little too much CNN.

325. Mr. Smith, could you tell us

326. in your own words what happened?

327. Yeah. Well, peep this, your j-ship.

328. Me and jazz was about to cruise down to the mall

329. in the honey wagon, you know, so we could pack it up with some honeys.

330. So I popped a little peabo in the pioneer,

331. checked my pocket for my binaca. Hey, 'cause, you know,

332. fresh breath can make the difference

333. between gettin' a honey's number

334. and gettin' flipped the bird.

335. A honey flipped me the bird

336. at the bus stop this morning.

337. That's the most action I've had

338. in six months.

339. Uh, you were saying something, Mr. Smith.

340. Yes. So I checked my rearview mirror,

341. and no sooner did I accelerate,

342. than out of nowhere the plaintiff—

343. this seer sucking Brooks brother over here—

344. came barreling out of nowhere

345. and bashed right into me.

346. Anything else, Mr. Smith?

347. Uh, yeah. Keep hope alive.

348. You are somebody.

349. Thank you.

350. You can put your hands down, jazz.

351. No way. Dude's got a gun.

352. Next thing you know,

353. I got six warning shots in my back.

354. Jazz.

355. Ok.

356. I'm putting my hands down.

357. Now.

358. Jazz, could you give us your account?

359. Can't. They closed my account.

360. They said I was allegedly writin' bad checks.

361. I don't know what they talking about.

362. Those checks was perfectly legible.

363. Your honor, I'd like to call hilary banks to the stand.

364. Now, were there mitigating circumstances

365. that facilitated the perpetrator

366. to commit any malfeasance?

367. Well, I wouldn't put it

368. in those words exactly.

369. Well, why not?

370. Because I don't know what they mean.

371. All I remember was loud music

372. and something that smelled

373. like cheap cologne and fried chicken.

374. Loud music?

375. Loud enough to drown out the sound

376. of my horn, Ms. Banks?

377. Yes.

378. You see, your honor,

379. if my own passenger cannot hear my horn,

380. then it was impossible

381. for will Smith to hear it,

382. which is why my numerous warnings went unheeded

383. and he continued to accelerate.

384. That and that alone, your honor,

385. caused the extensive damage to my honey wagon.

386. I mean my car, sir.

387. Would you like to cross-examine, Mr. Banks?

388. Yes, your honor.

389. Ms. Banks.

390. Daddy.

391. Do you mind if I ask

392. what Mr. Sanders was wearing

393. the night of the accident?

394. Eric was wearing his fabulous

395. stonewashed girbaud jeans,

396. that I picked out, of course.

397. Um, a Hugo boss shirt

398. and leather boots.

399. And on his face?

400. Nothing.

401. Oh, you mean, those awful glasses?

402. Oh, no. I made him take those off before we left the house.

403. So you're saying that Mr. Sanders

404. was not wearing his glasses,

405. even though this photostat of his license

406. clearly states that he should wear them

407. at all times while operating a vehicle.

408. Oopsie.

409. I rest my case, your honor.

410. Case dismissed.

411. All right! Hey, yo, yo, your j-ship.

412. Uh, my number's in your file.

413. Get with me sometime.

414. Peace out.

415. Well, congratulations, Mr. Banks.

416. Aw. Don't congratulate me, son.

417. You did an excellent job.

418. You're gonna be a great lawyer someday,

419. and bringing up that stereo volume issue

420. was excellent strategy.

421. Well, thank you very much,

422. but it was clearly no match

423. for your glasses defense, sir.

424. Well, why don't we discuss that over dinner tonight?

425. We'd love to have you.

426. Well, sure.

427. Yo, man, um...

428. I guess if Uncle Phil

429. can be a big man about this,

430. so can I.

431. Of course, it's a lot easier for him.

432. Well, I guess we both got off on the wrong foot.

433. No hard feelings?

434. No hard feelings, man.

435. Ready, set, shoot!

436. Well, paper, uh...

437. Ready, set, shoot!

438. Well, scissors cut paper, will.

439. Well, rock breaks your sciss...

440. Well, rock breaks your scissors, Carlton.

441. Wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

442. There's no—no! Ha!

443. Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!