The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air 2x9

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Malcolm-Jamal Warner as Eric • Tim Haldeman as Bailiff • DJ Jazzy Jeff as Jazz • Richard McKenzie as Judge Harry Wilson • Marc Epstein as State Marshal

A pompous lawyer who's dating Hilary is no fan of Will's after he's sideswiped by Will's roadster.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. 'Honey, I'll be back in a minute.'

2. 'I'm gonna go get a snack.'

3. Man, quick, Jazz. Hide, man.

4. Aw, man, I thought you said

5. your uncle was asleep.

6. He was. He must've had that reoccurring nightmare

7. where he misses a meal.

8. Son, what are you doin' still up? It's a school night.

9. Um, uh.. Homework, Uncle Phil.

10. I'm watchin' a television program

11. on farm practices in the Midwest.

12. Oh, look, Arnold the pig is wearing Eddie Albert's pajamas.

13. Oh, yeah. I've seen that one.

14. Turn it off. Go to bed.

15. What is that smell?

16. Oh, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I thought I was alone.

17. No, no. I don't mean that.

18. It smells like cheap cologne and fried chicken.

19. I resent that.

20. Oops.

21. Aah!

22. Got to shake 'em, not tryin' to break 'em.

23. Let's go. Looking fo' little jo.

24. Everybody screams when deuce deuce hits the flo'.

25. There. Right where you belong, in jail.

26. Hey, Aunt Viv, can I borrow some money

27. for protection while I'm in the slammer?

28. I am kind of cute, you know?

29. Sorry, baby. The rent just went up.

30. And I am moving on up to park place. My turn.

31. Lookin' fo' little jo!

32. Mama's gonna buy a new Gucci bag from the sto'!

33. We're home, everybody.

34. Uh, good evening, Mrs. Banks, Mr. Banks.

35. Uh, how wonderful it is to see

36. the whole family spending time together.

37. I thought that only happened on "The Cosby Show."

38. Well, Eric, son, you're back early.

39. Oh, well, you know me, sir.

40. I wouldn't want to, uh

41. violate your curfew.

42. It ain't his curfew he worried about you violatin'.

43. Hey, you must be Carlton.

44. Wow, your father really speaks highly

45. of all of you at the law firm.

46. No, no, no, my man. I'm Will.

47. Who?

48. So, then, Eric, did you two have a nice time at dinner?

49. Oh, yes, ma'am.

50. The restaurant Mr. Banks recommended was excellent.

51. The view was magnificent

52. and, of course, it was only enhanced

53. by your beautiful daughter.

54. Oh, and I can definitely see where she gets her looks from.

55. Man, see, I thought yousucked up.

56. You're just a dust buster compared to that dude.

57. Oh, yeah? When I'm his age, I'll be twice the suck-up.

58. Eric, I don't know what it is

59. but you look a little different this evening.

60. I made him take off those tired glasses.

61. Well, she thinks I look like Blair Underwood without them.

62. Obviously, Hilary the one that need the glasses.

63. Um, I brought a video home. Would anybody care to watch?

64. Great, dad. I hope it's a James Bond film.

65. Close. It's Banks. Philip Banks.

66. When I won the Markus vs. State of Californiacase.

67. Um, honey, uh, I-I'm sorry, but I'd love to watch

68. but I have to, uh, balance my checkbook.

69. Uh, not without your banker.

70. I'd watch it with you, but..

71. I don't want to.

72. Well, I guess that just leaves you and me, Mr. Banks.

73. Now, from what I studied about the case in law school

74. you were brilliant.

75. Yeah. I was quite a litigator in those days.

76. Now it's a rare thing.

77. So, uh, Hilary

78. has Eric shown you his legal briefs?

79. I don't like that guy.

80. He's a pompous preppie suck-up.

81. He reminds me of someone.

82. I happen to like him.

83. He knows how to treat a woman with respect.

84. Yeah, that reminds me, I need a back seat

85. for my date tomorrow night.

86. Which means I'm gonna need the car. So give me the keys.

87. Tough luck, Will.

88. I have a meeting with my debate team.

89. Sorry, Carlton, but I have to buy a dress.

90. Hold on, Hilary, that's not fair

91. the way you keep hogging the car.

92. Okay, okay, I'll compromise with you guys.

93. Let's play rock-paper-scissors.

94. No, no. Let's play three stooges. "Hey, Moe.."

95. Come on, guys. Alright, you ready?

96. Ready, set, shoot.

97. Well, scissors cut paper, Will.

98. Well, rock breaks your scissors, Carlton.

99. - Wait. Hold it, hold it.. - No, no, no.

100. You lost, fair and square, Will.

101. Looks like you're outta luck.

102. Carlton, I'll drop you off.

103. Wait, y'all. Now, hold it.

104. Don't paper get nothing?

105. Paper gets to ride his bike.

106. What is that?

107. Vivian, I think it's the big one.

108. Not unless he's down with "O.P.P."

109. Yeah, you know me!

110. Surprise!

111. You've heard of the Batmobile.

112. Get a load of the rap-mobile.

113. I have never seen so much trash in one car.

114. Yo..

115. who cut the..

116. Oh. Mr. Banks.

117. Sorry, I didn't see you..

118. as hard as that is to believe.

119. Will, where did you get this car?

120. Uh, I bought it, Aunt Viv.

121. With money I saved from my allowance

122. and my part-time job at the restaurant.

123. But did you get insurance?

124. Um, hey, check this out, Uncle Phil.

125. I got this fly stereo system.

126. Did you get insurance?

127. Um, all this stuff that I got in the car

128. I got from Jazz's connection at the Pep Boys.

129. His mom used to date 'em.

130. But did you get insurance?

131. Uh, no, but I got this real fly Malcolm X air freshener.

132. Until I see some insurance papers

133. you're not drivin' this car.

134. In fact, what kind of idiot

135. would sell a car without insurance?

136. I resent that.

137. Ah, the joke's on you, Mr. Banks.

138. You can't throw me out.

139. 'Cause I'm already outside.

140. Aah!

141. Sweetheart, you look so delicious

142. without those glasses.

143. Would you take them off for your little Hilary?

144. Not you, fool.

145. Can we please have some privacy?

146. First things first.

147. You're supposed to be my woman.

148. I'd like an explanation, if you please.

149. Okay, well, I'm Eric. How you doin'?

150. Okay.

151. Suddenly I'm hungry for some fried chicken.

152. Come on, Hilary. Let's get somethin' to eat.

153. Wait, wait, hold up, my brother.

154. You got this in reverse, man.

155. You already got her on the couch. Save your money.

156. Let me grab my wrap.

157. What about my wrap?

158. Man, Jazz, I-I can't believe this.

159. The malls are closing in 15 minutes

160. the bus stop's gonna be packed with honeys

161. and the rap-mobile is on ice.

162. How Uncle Phil gonna play me?

163. Hilary a ignorant somebody.

164. She ain't even called me to tell me she quit me.

165. I deserve that much. I'm a man.

166. I mean, that's what I'm sayin'. I'm a man, too.

167. Mm, but Uncle Phil is an extremely bigger man.

168. Two can play that game.

169. Hey, I got an idea. The malls are closin'.

170. Hold up, hold up. Are you tellin' me

171. that I should disobey my uncle

172. and do somethin' that he specifically told me not to do?

173. Won't be the first time. Posse out.

174. A wise butler sees nothing, hears nothing

175. and takes detailed notes for his book.

176. Ah, another chapter.

177. Damn, Eric. Didn't you see me backin' out the driveway?

178. Oh, I don't believe this.

179. Your piece of junk just backed into the custom fender

180. of a $35,000 automobile, pal.

181. You're gonna have to turn in a lot

182. of soda cans to pay for that.

183. Hey, I got a whole living room full of soda cans.

184. Oh, man. I don't believe this.

185. Look it, man. This thing used to say "Cold chillin'."

186. Now it say "Old chilli."

187. Look, what's the name of your insurance company?

188. Yo fault.

189. Hey, look, I don't have none, and I don't need none

190. 'cause it's yo fault.

191. Look, Hilary, can I use your phone, please?

192. Yeah. Go ahead.

193. And it better be a local call, too.

194. Uh, excuse me, Mr. and Mrs. Banks.

195. Mr. Banks, I have a little problem. I need some advice.

196. I'll meet you upstairs, pookie-pooh.

197. Alright, son. Make it quick.

198. Um, sir, what would you do

199. if you got into a, uh, fender bender

200. with an acquaintance who is uninsured

201. and refuses to pay for damages?

202. Eric, you're a lawyer, and as a lawyer

203. you can't let personal feelings enter into it.

204. Now, anybody who drives a car

205. without insurance deserves a lesson.

206. I suggest you take him to court

207. and let justice prevail.

208. Well, thank you, sir.

209. Daddy—

210. Hey, Hilary, don't worry about it.

211. It's all settled, sweetheart.

212. Will, I'll see you in court.

213. Court? Huh. There's a ball and a hoop out back.

214. We can go now, sucker.

215. Still hidin' from dad, huh?

216. Look, man. I am not hidin', alright?

217. I bought a car, I drove a car and I had a wreck.

218. So what? I'll tell Uncle Phil that to his face.

219. Oh, hi, dad.

220. Oh, no, that's extremely creative, Carlton.

221. Look behind you. There's dad.

222. Ooh. Ooooh!

223. I sure hope Luther Vandross is in the house.

224. Mr. Marshal.

225. Statemarshal.

226. I-I guess you're lookin' for Will Smith.

227. There he is, my man. Right there.

228. I'm looking for Philip Banks.

229. I'm Philip Banks.

230. Sir, this is a subpoena.

231. Could you, uh, sign right here, please?

232. Have a nice day.

233. I can't believe this.

234. Eric is taking me to court.

235. - Can he do that? - Well, Will is a minor.

236. I am his legal guardian.

237. Hold up, hold up, hold up, Wait. Let me get this straight.

238. I buy a car, I don't get insurance

239. I get in a wreck, and you get sued?

240. That's right, Will.

241. Man, works for me.

242. Jazz, man, what are you tryin' to pull?

243. Ten thousand a year for life.

244. You know what? I don't think it's quite tight enough.

245. Okay, okay, okay.

246. But you can't blame me for my entrepreneurial spirit.

247. - Banks, party of six, please. - Excuse me?

248. Oh, I'm sorry. I see they've already been seated.

249. Sorry. When I realized I'd have to raise my right hand

250. I stopped to buy gloves.

251. Could you just die?

252. Why, hello, everyone. Heh-heh.

253. Nice day, isn't it?

254. I don't have to answer that.

255. Well, Mr. Banks, I just wanted to wish you good luck.

256. I'm not only going to win

257. I'm gonna chew you up and spit you out.

258. I seen him do a lot of chewin'

259. but I ain't never seen him spit nothin' out.

260. All rise.

261. Division 43 of the Los Angeles

262. Municipal Court is now in session.

263. The Honorable Harry Wilson presiding.

264. Be seated. Let's see.

265. Case number 3005, "Sanders vs. Banks."

266. Says here, "The defendant Will Smith

267. "allegedly sideswiped the plaintiff Eric Sanders

268. at the home of Philip Banks."

269. Home.

270. Must be nice.

271. My wife took mine in our divorce settlement.

272. I hate her. I hate her! I hate her! I hate her!

273. Well, then, Mr. Sanders

274. would you like to approach the bench

275. and give us your opening statement?

276. Uh, yes, Your Honor.

277. And, uh, by the way

278. I am deeply sorry about your domestic situation.

279. Your Honor, I was backing out of the Banks' driveway

280. when I heard loud, obnoxious music

281. of the rap persuasion.

282. The next thing I knew

283. Will Smith recklessly sideswiped

284. my sole means of transportation.

285. I object, Your Honor.

286. Yes, Your Honor, I object.

287. This man is badgering the witness.

288. Young man, there is no witness.

289. I-I know. I-I've just always wanted to say that.

290. I object because the volume of the stereo

291. has absolutely no bearing on my client's ability

292. to operate a vehicle.

293. Objection sustained.

294. Uh, Mr. Sanders, how much are you suing for?

295. Twenty-five hundred dollars in damages.

296. Would the defense like to make an opening statement?

297. No, Your Honor.

298. I'd like to call my first witness

299. Will Smith.

300. Raise your right hand.

301. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth

302. and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

303. I do, and I categorically deny

304. all the charges against me.

305. This is something that's been drummed up by the Democrats!

306. My fault. Little too much CNN.

307. Mr. Smith, could you tell us

308. in your own words what happened?

309. Yeah. Well, peep this, your J-ship.

310. Me and Jazz was about to cruise down to the mall

311. in the honey wagon, you know, so we could

312. pack it up with some honeys.

313. So I popped a little Peabo in the Pioneer

314. checked my pocket for my binaca.

315. Hey, 'cause, you know, fresh breath can make the difference

316. between gettin' a honey's number and gettin' flipped the bird.

317. A honey flipped me the bird at the bus stop this morning.

318. That's the most action I've had in six months.

319. Yo, you were saying something, Mr. Smith.

320. Yes, so I checked my rear-view mirror

321. and no sooner did I accelerate

322. than out of nowhere the plaintiff

323. this seer sucking Brooks brother over here

324. came barreling out of nowhere and bashed right into me.

325. Anything else, Mr. Smith?

326. Uh, yeah. Keep hope alive. You are somebody.

327. Thank you.

328. You can put your hands down, Jazz.

329. No way. Dude's got a gun.

330. Next thing you know, I got six warning shots in my back.

331. Jazz.

332. Okay.

333. I'm putting my hands down..

334. now.

335. Jazz, could you give us your account?

336. Can't. They closed my account.

337. They said I was allegedly writin' bad checks.

338. I don't know what they talking about.

339. Those checks was perfectly legible.

340. Your Honor, I'd like to call Hilary Banks to the stand.

341. Now, were there mitigating circumstances

342. that facilitated the perpetrator

343. to commit any malfeasance?

344. Well, I wouldn't put it in those words exactly.

345. Well, why not?

346. Because I don't know what they mean.

347. All I remember was loud music

348. and something that smelled like

349. cheap cologne and fried chicken.

350. Loud music?

351. Loud enough to drown out the sound of my horn, Ms. Banks?

352. Yes.

353. You see, Your Honor

354. if my own passenger cannot hear my horn

355. then it was impossible for Will Smith to hear it

356. which is why my numerous warnings went unheeded

357. and he continued to accelerate.

358. That and that alone, Your Honor

359. caused the extensive damage to my honey wagon.

360. I mean my car, sir.

361. Would you like to cross-examine, Mr. Banks?

362. Yes, Your Honor.

363. - Ms. Banks. - Daddy.

364. Do you mind if I ask what Mr. Sanders was wearing

365. the night of the accident?

366. Eric was wearing his fabulous

367. stonewashed Girbaud jeans

368. that I picked out, of course.

369. Um, a Hugo Boss shirt

370. and leather boots.

371. - And on his face? - Nothing.

372. Oh, you mean, those awful glasses? Oh, no.

373. I made him take those off before we left the house.

374. So, you're saying that Mr. Sanders was not

375. wearing his glasses

376. even though this Photostat of his license

377. clearly states that he should wear them

378. at all times while operating a vehicle.

379. Oopsie.

380. I rest my case, Your Honor.

381. Case dismissed.

382. Alright!

383. Hey, yo, yo, your J-ship.

384. Uh, my number's in your file. Get with me sometime.

385. Peace out.

386. Well, congratulations, Mr. Banks.

387. Aw. Don't congratulate me, son.

388. You did an excellent job.

389. You're gonna be a great lawyer someday

390. and bringing up that stereo volume issue

391. was excellent strategy.

392. Well, thank you very much

393. but it was clearly no match

394. for your glasses defense, sir.

395. Well, why don't we discuss that over dinner tonight?

396. - We'd love to have you. - Well, sure.

397. Yo, man, um..

398. I guess if Uncle Phil

399. can be a big man about this

400. so can I.

401. Of course, it's a lot easier for him.

402. Well, I guess we both got off on the wrong foot.

403. - No hard feelings? - No hard feelings, man.

404. Ready, set, shoot!

405. - Well, paper, uh.. - Hah!

406. Ready, set, shoot!

407. Well, scissors cut paper, Will.

408. Well, rock breaks your sciss..

409. Well, rock breaks your scissors, Carlton.

410. Wait. Hold it, hold it, hold it.

411. There's no-no! Ha!

412. Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah! Yah!