The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: Season 2, Episode 10

Directed by Ellen Gittelsohn

Zsa Zsa Gabor as Sonya Lamor • John Petlock as Henry Furth • Tim Haldeman as Security Guard

Will and Carlton think a party guest stole the silverware.

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1. Yo, ash, peek this, babe.

2. I got that magic joint down now.

3. Please, will, the last time you showed me a magic trick,

4. it took two months for my hair to grow back.

5. Yeah, I know, that was then. This is now.

6. Behold, the great willdini.

7. Uhh.

8. All right, now, here. Give me your watch.

9. All right.

10. All right.

11. Boom chocka locka locka boom chocka locka locka boom!

12. What happened to abracadabra?

13. No, no. This is black magic, ash.

14. Boom!

15. Ahh.

16. Wow!

17. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

18. I ain't finished yet.5

19. now here we go.

20. Behold, a bottle, just as any other.

21. Uhh.

22. Chaka Khan.

23. Chaka Khan.

24. Chaka chaka chaka chak—

25. uhh!

26. Wow!

27. Impressive.

28. All right. For my next trick,

29. I'll need a dollar bill.

30. I don't have a dollar.

31. I have a 20.

32. That'll do.

33. All right, here we go.

34. Notice the intricate folds.

35. Now for the magic words.

36. Going.

37. Going.

38. Gone!

39. Will!

40. there you go.

41. Some nice 12-grain organic hot cereal.

42. Wow. It looks great.

43. How about some of that delicious soy milk

44. to go on top?

45. Oh. Ok.

46. Mmm! Boy, that was better

47. than the batch you made yesterday.

48. Good. I made twice as much today.

49. Well, you keep dishing it up, aunt viv,

50. and we'll keep finding someplace to put it.

51. You kids go ahead and serve yourselves.

52. I have to go help Ashley with her hair.

53. Look, I know mom's a lousy cook,

54. but all the same, I'm really glad that she quit her job.

55. Yeah. Having her home all the time is great.

56. She picks our clothes out for us

57. and checks our homework

58. and cuts the crust off the end of our bread.

59. Look, that woman must be stopped, y'all.

60. Well, that, uh, diet and exercise regimen

61. your mother put me on

62. has really changed my life.

63. I never felt better.

64. It's so nice having her home all the time.

65. She wakes up cheerful in the morning,

66. leaves little love notes in my briefcase,

67. calls me up at work just to chat.

68. That woman must be stopped.

69. Hi, baby. How was your walk?

70. Wonderful.

71. Madam, I have taken the liberty

72. of polishing your grandmother's silver

73. for tonight's dinner party.

74. Whoa. Is that g or Philip Michael Thomas?

75. I take it you're referring to this charming ensemble

76. which your aunt insisted I wear.

77. It is only my humble opinion,

78. but that woman must be stopped!

79. Ciao.

80. Now, I want everyone home at 7:30 sharp. Yes?

81. We're having a get-together with the neighbors,

82. and I have invited sonya lamor.

83. Sonya lamor? I've seen all her movies on the late show.

84. Yeah. She did a lot of those historical dramas.

85. My personal favorite was George Washington and the hussy.

86. Whoa.

87. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up

88. for the star of Heidi comes to Harlem.

89. Mom, if you make me

90. go to school like this,

91. I'm gonna write a book when I grow up.

92. You kids don't know how lucky you are

93. Now that she's home all the time.

94. Oh, thank you, Philip.

95. Well, I've never felt better

96. since I've been on this diet

97. of exercise and healthy food.

98. Uncle Phil, that was for you.

99. They said you left your wallet at the doughnut depot.

100. Whoa. Pretty fly earmuffs you got there, ash.

101. A little calamine lotion

102. probably take care of that rash.

103. Very funny, will.

104. Can you believe mom made me wear this hideous dress?

105. Come on, ash. Not many women can carry off plaid.

106. And here comes one now.

107. Oh, Ashley, you look so adorable.

108. Now, don't stray too far, baby.

109. It'll ruin the effect.

110. Um... Don't worry about this, ash.

111. One day you're going to be cracking up

112. laughing about this with your therapist.

113. Ok, I'm here.

114. Mom, it's not fair.

115. Hilary doesn't have to dress like you.

116. Guess again.

117. Ooh! I want to play! I want to play!

118. Wonderful party, babe.

119. Thank you, Philip.

120. Look at poor Henry firth.

121. Ever since his wife left him,

122. he's been in one meaningless,

123. unsatisfying relationship after another.

124. Oh!

125. That is so sad, isn't it?

126. Isn't it?

127. Makes me want to cry.

128. Ahem!

129. Miss sonya lamor.

130. Now.

131. That is so kind of you.

132. Please, no pictures.

133. Hey, miss lamor, I've been your biggest fan

134. ever since I seen you in mutiny on the hussy.

135. Yo, you looked dope in 3-d.

136. It wasn't in 3-d.

137. Whoa. Back up.

138. Sonya!

139. Let me introduce you to my daughters hilary, Ashley,

140. my son Carlton, and my nephew will.

141. Gorgeous.

142. There's something that I'm just dying to know.

143. Yes, I did it,

144. and he deserved to be slapped.

145. Sonya, let me introduce you

146. to my husband Philip

147. and his legal partner Henry firth.

148. Hello.

149. You know, I'm looking for a lawyer.

150. I just wrote my memoirs.

151. I can't put it down, it's so exciting.

152. Phil's one of the toughest negotiators in our profession.

153. When jacoby sued meyers, who do you think he called?

154. Very impressive. Let's talk sometime.

155. Certainly.

156. Sonya, there are some people

157. I'd love for you to meet.

158. Thank you.

159. Oh, it's so kind of you.

160. Please, no pictures.

161. Sonya, would you like something to eat?

162. I couldn't eat a thing.

163. Oh, that wonderful chocolate cake.

164. Can I get a little, tiny piece, please?

165. Well, I said a little piece, not a crumb.

166. Oh, it's wonderful.

167. Ahh.

168. It's magnificent.

169. May I steal the recipe?

170. I'd be more than happy to give it to you.

171. Thank you so much.

172. Miss lamor.

173. Yes, darling?

174. You mind taking a picture?

175. Of course not.

176. All right, here. I want you to get my good side.

177. I hope sonya goes for this contract proposal.

178. Maybe this cake will sweeten the deal.

179. Will and I are going to tower records to pick up a few cds.

180. I'm going to teach Carlton how to tap his foot on beat.

181. Great. You can stop and drop this cake off at sonya's.

182. Madam, I have some distressing news.

183. Your heirloom silverware is missing,

184. and someone's stolen my new uniform.

185. What?

186. It's probably just misplaced.

187. Let's split up and look for it.

188. Oh, no, no, no. Don't trouble yourself, sir.

189. I'll just go back to wearing my old uniform.

190. I was talking about the silverware.

191. Let's split up and search the house.

192. I'll check the pool.

193. Will, don't even try it.

194. There's no need to check the pool, the jacuzzi,

195. the tennis court, or the basketball net.

196. Will, check the pool, the jacuzzi,

197. the tennis courts, and the basketball net.

198. It wasn't in the basement either,

199. but I did find Geoffrey's new uniform

200. crammed behind the hot water heater.

201. The scoundrels must have ditched it

202. in their haste to escape!

203. The silver's obviously not in the house.

204. It must have been stolen.

205. I'd hate to think a neighbor took it.

206. We need that little white lady

207. from murder, she wrote.

208. Well, boys, we'll keep looking,

209. but go ahead and drop this cake off at sonya's.

210. All right.

211. Oh, if y'all happen to be

212. digging around under my bed,

213. those videotapes are for my report on Clarence Thomas.

214. Coming. Coming.

215. Oh, so kind of you.

216. No pictures.

217. Hi, miss lamor. My mom baked you this cake.

218. How sweet of her.

219. Come on, guys. Please come in.

220. Mmm!

221. Oh, this house is no joke.

222. Hey—oh, isn't this the cane that you used

223. in an officer and a hussy?

224. Yes. I played opposite Olivier.

225. Laurence Olivier was in an officer and a hussy?

226. No. It was his brother Wendell.

227. Check this out. "Lamor and gable"?

228. You got top billing over Clark gable?

229. It was shlomo gable, his half-brother.

230. Then I guess this Reagan isn't Ronald.

231. No, that is really Ronald.

232. You see, we couldn't get his brother.

233. I'm so sorry, boys.

234. Go in there, but don't eat up the whole cake.

235. All right.

236. I'm a big star.

237. Give me a job, or you're fired.

238. Yo, what's up, man?

239. I'm will. Polly want a cracker?

240. Will is a cracker.

241. Yeah, man, your mother poops on papers.

242. Will, use a fork.

243. Come on, man. I ain't using this wimpy fork.

244. This is not a wimpy fork.

245. This is a hand-engraved silver dessert...

246. Jumping jehoshaphat!

247. All right, man, I'll use the fork.

248. Will, I'm telling you,

249. this is mom's. Miss lamor must have taken it.

250. Quick, dial 911!

251. Whoa, whoa. Come on, man.

252. You don't want to send her to jail.

253. Remember what happened to her in hussy behind bars?

254. Then we must confront her.

255. Wait, wait.

256. What, are you tripping?

257. You're gonna jeopardize Uncle Phil's chances

258. of getting a book contract.

259. What do you suggest we do?

260. I say we do what's fair and just for both parties—

261. we steal it back and run like hell.

262. I am so sorry, guys.

263. Oh. Uh, Carlton, weren't you just saying

264. how much you would enjoy a tour of miss lamor's house?

265. No...

266. Time like the present.

267. Come on, darling.

268. Take your hands off that!

269. Not till we're married.

270. Would you like to see my jewelry collection?

271. Do you have any tiaras?

272. Of course I do.

273. Carlton, it's time to go.

274. I guess we'll come back another time.

275. I'm so sorry, guys, you're leaving.

276. When you come back, bring me another cake.

277. We promise.

278. Is the silver in your pockets?

279. No. I'm just extremely happy to see you.

280. We did it! God, I was fantastic!

281. The adrenaline was flowing.

282. The nerves of steel were calm and steady.

283. Please. We lifted some silverware from a neighbor.

284. And I had to slap you twice

285. to keep you from driving us to Mexico.

286. I just thought we'd lay low until the heat was off.

287. Yo, aunt viv, good news!

288. You said it. I got my silverware back.

289. How'd you know?

290. The caterers brought it back.

291. Now, Carlton,

292. why do I have service for eight in my drawers?

293. This is all your fault.

294. What, my fault?

295. You the one that said it was aunt viv's silverware.

296. Since when do you listen to me?

297. Let's just stop arguing.

298. Let's think of a plan.

299. We'll get caught. We'll go to jail.

300. Kid 'n' play will portray us in a movie.

301. All we have to do is break into sonya lamor's

302. and put the silverware back.

303. How do we do that?

304. We're gonna need somebody to help us,

305. somebody that can't figure out what we're doing,

306. some simple-minded soul.

307. Thanks for the tour, but we better get going.

308. I just know we're gonna be surrounded

309. by a swarm of autograph seekers at neiman's.

310. I'm used to it, darling. I'm very famous.

311. No. I meant everyone always mistakes me for Whitney Houston.

312. Carlton, come on.

313. Will, can't you see I'm busy?

314. Will! There's a big black guy in the house.

315. Will?

316. Will.

317. Carlton, would you get in here?

318. Come on!

319. I brought these gloves so we don't leave prints.

320. Yellow or blue?

321. Yellow.

322. Come on, curly. Let's get this over with.

323. Oh, no! Someone's coming!

324. Get off me, Carlton! Get off me!

325. Well, I know they're in here somewhere.

326. I'm sure, darling, you're going to find your car keys.

327. Ah-choo!

328. Bless you. Bless you.

329. I'm gonna check in the dining room.

330. I'm sure it's on the dining room table.

331. Well, they're not in the dining room.

332. I showed you all my portraits,

333. which means every room in the house except the garage.

334. I'll start with the powder room.

335. Ok.

336. Get down. Get down.

337. Oh, how kind of you, darling.

338. No pictures.

339. I've finished with the proposal.

340. I thought you might like to see a copy.

341. Thank you, darling. Let's give it a preview.

342. Come in.

343. Certainly, if you wish.

344. Please come into my dining room.

345. I have some wonderful old Sherry from Spain.

346. One of my ex-husbands brought it.

347. Ah. Allow me.

348. Thank you very much.

349. I'd be happy to pour, if you wish.

350. Oh, yes, please do.

351. Oh, I'm sorry.

352. That's ok. That's ok.

353. We'll just do this. That's it.

354. There.

355. About the film version of my book—

356. if meryl streep's gonna play it, she must have her nose fixed.

357. Absolutely. Page three, the schnozz clause.

358. Darling, you're magnificent.

359. That's what my wife always says.

360. You remember my wife Vivian,

361. mother of my children?

362. That lovely lady in the plaid?

363. How could I forget her?

364. Philip, may I ask you,

365. are you happily married?

366. Oh, yes. Very happy.

367. Extremely happily.

368. You know, when we walk down the street,

369. deer eat from our hand.

370. Which reminds me, I don't work with animals.

371. Sonya, you're a very attractive woman,

372. but I think we should keep this strictly business.

373. So, if you don't mind,

374. no hanky-panky.

375. I agree, Philip,

376. so please cool the footsie-wootsies.

377. Sonya, with all due respect,

378. you're the one who's playing footsie-wootsie.

379. What the hell is this?

380. Please, darlings. You are too kind.

381. No pictures.

382. What are you guys doing here?

383. What are you doing here?

384. I'm looking for my car keys.

385. You know what? I know where they are.

386. I'll go get 'em and start the car for you.

387. I'll check the oil.

388. Nobody move!

389. Look, Uncle Phil,

390. I know what you're thinking,

391. and there's no cake left.

392. Will made me do it. He held a fork to my head.

393. All right, look, it's like this, Uncle Phil.

394. We came in here to put back the silverware

395. that we lifted because we thought she stole it from aunt viv.

396. Then we found out she ain't lift nothing.

397. That's right, darling.

398. I'm the last real woman in this zip code.

399. Sonya, rest assured,

400. these two young men will be strongly disciplined.

401. All right, everybody just stay right where you are.

402. We got a report of a break-in.

403. Carlton, put your hands down.

404. I didn't want to steal the silver,

405. and I didn't want to break back in to return it.

406. And I didn't want to hide under the furniture

407. like a bad old episode of Laverne and Shirley.

408. Now I'm gonna be sent off to rot in jail.

409. This is all your fault!

410. Eyewitnesses.

411. It wasn't me.

412. Look at poor Henry firth.

413. Ever since his wife left him,

414. he's been in one meaningless...

415. Unsatisfying relationship—

416. oh, lord have mercy. I'm sorry.

417. After another.

418. The silver's obviously not in the house.

419. It must been stolen.

420. Must been stolen.

421. Must have been stolen.

422. It must been stolen!

423. Feets don't fail me now!

424. Uh, nothing. Fix it in post.