The Boondocks 3x7

1. People call me The Fund-raiser.

2. They call me that 'cause that's what I do.

3. I raise funds.

4. I get my money up.

5. The first rule of fundraising

6. is don't give nothing to nobody.

7. Period.

8. No charities, no homeless people,

9. Salvation Army, Red Cross,

10. starving Africans, nothing. Hey, brother.

11. You can't be raising funds

12. and giving funds away at the same time.

13. That's like getting high on your own supply.

14. I always had the drive to make money.

15. And the plan. I knew that if I studied

16. enough gangster movies, I'd know everything

17. I need to know to take over the streets.

18. Jesus, boy. Look at you. All you do

19. is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food

20. and breathe my air. Just as lazy as you can be.

21. Go out and do something. What am I supposed to do?

22. I ain't got no money.

23. Well, try getting up off your ass

24. and cleaning up my living room.

25. You're lucky President Obama is not here to see this.

26. You're lazy. You need a hobby or something.

27. Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby.

28. Allowance? I allow you to live here.

29. I allow you to eat my food.

30. I allow you to burn up my electricity.

31. I mean a money allowance.

32. Well, how about this?

33. Trash is starting to stink and guess what?

34. You allowed to take it out.

35. I was a loser.

36. I might as well have been dead.

37. Hi, Riley. Yeah, whatever.

38. Oh. Well, hello, little baby.

39. Hey, Mr. Freeman. Would you like to buy

40. some candy to help keep kids

41. away from gangs and guns? Heck, no.

42. I'm a fan of gangs and guns.

43. I got some gangs and guns inside right now,

44. you want some?

45. Ha-ha. Mr. Freeman. I'd love some candy.

46. I'll take a whole box.

47. Granddad. Shut the hell up.

48. Mind your business.

49. Thank you, Mr. Freeman.

50. Okay, little baby. Be good, now.

51. Hey, what you just sell my granddad?

52. Candy bars for the school fundraiser, silly.

53. Aren't you doing it? The fundraiser.

54. I had to think back 'cause

55. I wasn't paying attention the first time.

56. That's right, kids.

57. It's time for World's Ultimate Chocolates

58. annual candy sale fundraiser.

59. I've got mine and I can't wait

60. to get out there and sell, sell, sell.

61. Then I remember why I forgot.

62. The World's Ultimate Chocolates fundraiser

63. is basically like selling crack on consignment,

64. except you don't even get no money. How they gonna

65. disrespect the game like that? If you raise $500,

66. you can win a Hannah Montana lenticular key ring.

67. If you raise $1300 you'll receive

68. a Jonas Brothers toothbrush,

69. and 5000 and you can have this beautiful

70. Chronicles of Narnia iPod case.

71. All right, who's ready to sell some candy?

72. Aw, man, you doing that?

73. You don't even get to keep none of the money.

74. Yeah, but I've sold $4000 of candy so far,

75. which means I'm only $1000 away from that iPod case.

76. Damn.

77. And that's when it hit me.

78. The best idea I ever had in my entire life.

79. That's the worst idea

80. you ever had in your entire life.

81. You just mad you didn't think of it.

82. You want to start a fundraiser with no cause?

83. Cause, nigga? I'm the cause.

84. 'Cause I wanna a house. 'Cause I wanna a yacht.

85. 'Cause I wanna get this guap, nigga.

86. That's the cause. You watch a lot

87. of gangster movies, right? I seen all of them.

88. That's how I know what to do.

89. Okay, how many of them have a happy ending?

90. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, but see,

91. that's how I know it's gonna work, right?

92. 'Cause I seen all the mistakes they made,

93. and I'm not gonna make them same mistakes.

94. See, I'm gonna do everything the smart way.

95. Riley, I'm gonna to tell you everything

96. that's about to happen if you do this,

97. and how bad this is gonna end.

98. First of all— Aw, stop right there.

99. Every time I wanna do something,

100. you tell me what's gonna happen first,

101. and then that's what happen.

102. And you always ruin the endings of stuff, man.

103. I'm sick of it. I wanna be surprised this time.

104. So no matter how bad it is, you don't wanna hear it?

105. Nope.

106. 'Cause it's really bad.

107. Hey. Spoiler alert, nigga. Didn't you hear me?

108. Keep it to yourself.

109. Here. Good luck.

110. Thanks.

111. That still kind of spoiled it, though.

112. The second rule of fundraising is that

113. fundraising is not illegal.

114. See, that's 'cause you not technically

115. stealing from people. They give you the money.

116. So maybe you lie about what you gonna do with it.

117. But you never actually take they money from 'em.

118. And that's why it's legal.

119. Jazmine and Phil

120. were the top candy sellers in the class.

121. If I was gonna take over the candy game,

122. I'd need they help.

123. Who are we raising the money for?

124. A good cause. What cause?

125. Uh, a bunch of causes.

126. All of them. Gangs, guns...

127. Uh, all that good stuff.

128. Something that helps animals? Yeah, sure.

129. Whatever. We'll keep gangs and guns away from animals.

130. I-I don't know.

131. I still think the school would be really mad.

132. Okay, I didn't wanna tell you this,

133. World's Ultimate Chocolates

134. they secretly funded by the Ku Klux Klan.

135. And al Qaeda.

136. What do you think? "Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser."

137. I like it. Sounds like, you know,

138. some of that positive bullshit that people eat up.

139. Since I came up with the idea,

140. Jazmine and Phil had to provide

141. the startup money for the business.

142. This is our candy money,

143. we need to get this back, Riley.

144. Why you guys so worried?

145. You're wearing a bulletproof vest.

146. Cindy MacPhearson, a.k.a. C-Murder.

147. She had the whole Girl Scout cookie game on lock.

148. What up, Cindy? I just seen this kid over there,

149. right over there around the corner over there,

150. and I know she ain't down with your team.

151. Who? I don't know.

152. Some skinny big-headed bitch.

153. Word? Come on.

154. She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil. Cindy was a G.

155. What you think you're doing here?

156. You talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you.

157. Open your bag.

158. What's in your bag? Ow.

159. I'll kill you, bitch. Get her, Cindy.

160. Come here. Come here.

161. But what I really liked about her

162. was that she had less compassion

163. than the average girl.

164. Take off, bitch. Yeah, take off.

165. Run away, baby.

166. Hey, how's the cookie hustle?

167. It's cool. You want a box?

168. Nah, I don't give.

169. You get to keep any of that cookie money?

170. I wish. I'll move up in the Girl Scout ranks,

171. get awards and whatnot. But no cash.

172. I got a business proposal for you.

173. There's a lot of bars I need to move.

174. You're not talking about that stupid

175. school candy fundraiser.

176. You know that's for suckers, right?

177. Do I looks like a sucker?

178. When you ready to make some real dough,

179. holler at me. Get it? Dough, cookies?

180. We had everything we needed

181. to look like a legit company.

182. Website, labels, and lots and lots of candy.

183. Sorry kids, tapped out. Someone just came through

184. selling chocolate.

185. Oh, I'm so sorry.

186. I just bought some from little Timothy.

187. Ugh, if I see another bar of chocolate

188. I'm gonna be sick.

189. Hey, boy. How's the candy business?

190. Terrible. We couldn't move nothing.

191. The streets are flooded with chocolate

192. from the school fundraiser.

193. Well, I just wanted to say I'm proud of you.

194. Thanks, Granddad.

195. You wanna buy some candy?

196. Hell, no. You must be out of your damn mind.

197. Now, get that out of here.

198. See, we need to make it

199. where they ain't no competition.

200. We need to move on them.

201. Push them out street by street, block by block.

202. That's what Beanie Sigel would do.

203. Why don't we just get the kids at school

204. to work for us instead of the school?

205. How? We'll walk up to them

206. and say, "Hey," and they say, "What?"

207. And then we say, "This is our block.

208. Now, you gonna get down, or you gonna lay down?"

209. And if they be like,

210. "Uh— Uh, I don't know, let me think about it,"

211. we pull out the roscoe and we be like:

212. And they be like,

213. "Ugh, you shot me," and we be like,

214. "Take that, faggots."

215. We could offer them a better deal,

216. like better prizes or something.

217. That's not what Beans would do. Beans would go to war.

218. Cindy's right. Beans would go to war.

219. But war is bad for business.

220. We'll do better than stupid prizes.

221. Put the word out. You sell for us, we'll pay you. Cash.

222. That brings us to the third rule of fundraising.

223. You gotta pay the cost of doing business.

224. Hey, Riley. Yeah?

225. I heard that you're selling candy

226. for a different fundraising company.

227. One that pays kids cash.

228. Maybe. Why should I tell you?

229. Aw, come on, man. I've been busting my ass

230. selling candy for months and all I've gotten

231. is this stupid key ring.

232. It's called Young Reezy's Fun-Raisers,

233. but I don't think it's for you, Jeff.

234. They only want hustlers. People who'll do anything

235. to gets that sale and make that money.

236. A lot of people can't handle that fast lifestyle.

237. I swear I can handle it.

238. When they called me to the office

239. I already knew what it was for.

240. By now they had figured out we had knocked off

241. over half the students in the school.

242. He's waiting for you.

243. Nobody say nothing.

244. Is it true that you're soliciting students

245. to work for a different, competing fundraiser?

246. This, uh, Young Reezy's Fun-Raiser company?

247. They put the fun in fundraising.

248. That is completely unacceptable.

249. You will stop at once.

250. I don't think so.

251. We already have permission slips

252. from half the school's parents,

253. saying that they'll sell candy for us exclusively.

254. I can't believe this. Shame on you.

255. Shame on me? What, you better than me?

256. The state puts you in charge of these kids,

257. and you turn around and pimp them out

258. to some second-rate candy racket?

259. You disgust me.

260. I'm curious, what's your cut?

261. How much does the school get?

262. How much is your soul worth?

263. Five percent.

264. Five percent?

265. Pfft. All right, fine.

266. I'll match that. Can we go now?

267. Uh, fair enough.

268. J. Edgar Hoover Elementary

269. likes to see its students giving back to the community.

270. I don't give to nobody.

271. I just pay the cost to do business.

272. Pussy.

273. This is how the operation worked.

274. Kids signed up to be sellers on our website,

275. and they parents sent the money

276. to a PayPal account.

277. We paid off store owners for they old candy.

278. Once the candy was delivered to the seller,

279. it was time for them to go sell.

280. And, man, did they sell.

281. They sold after school, on weekends,

282. day, night, rain, sleet, whatever.

283. Parents were the best customers.

284. The fundraiser kept their kids occupied

285. and even had them making they own money,

286. but it wasn't just about money.

287. It was about winning.

288. We had parents violating company policy

289. just to get they kids' numbers up.

290. We had grown adults actually risking they jobs

291. by trying to push bars on their co-workers.

292. And it didn't cost me nothing.

293. It was beautiful.

294. Once they finally sold through that candy,

295. they give us the cash, we give them they cut

296. and another box of chocolate bars.

297. And the whole thing starts all over again.

298. We expanded into other neighborhoods.

299. Other schools were happy

300. to take the same deal as Hoover.

301. Soon, we had set up competitions

302. between local schools

303. to see who could raise the most money.

304. And no matter who won,

305. we won.

306. Hey. You can't do that. That money is for the animals.

307. Come on, Jazmine,

308. we allowed to spend some of it on ourselves.

309. Call it operating expenses.

310. Don't worry, they gonna be

311. plenty of money left for the animals.

312. Are you sure?

313. How's it going?

314. Fine. Great. Don't tell me nothing.

315. All right, but you should know

316. that Jazmine is going— La-la-la-la!

317. Not listening. I'm not listening.

318. Watch out there, Goldilocks.

319. All that chocolate can be bad for your health.

320. Say what?

321. The operation needed more space,

322. so we moved to a hotel downtown.

323. And this is the Scarface Suite.

324. They're just getting it cleaned up for you.

325. This'll do perfect.

326. Hey, boy. You got a sec?

327. It's about your, uh,

328. fundraising. Who exactly are you raising

329. all that money for?

330. Because Huey said—

331. I'm sorry to interrupt, Granddad,

332. 'cause I really wanna hear what you have to say.

333. But I got something I want you to see right quick.

334. It's outside. Huey, you can come too.

335. Aah! Is that a Gibbs Aquada?

336. Yeah, yeah. The car that turns

337. into a boat, and then back into a car.

338. For me? Oh, I can't believe it.

339. Thank you, boy. Oh, you're the best grandson ever.

340. Way better than that other one.

341. Uh, yeah, you wanted to talk to me about something?

342. Uh, nothing. Nothing, mm-mm. Never mind.

343. Oh, I can't believe it.

344. I'm gonna be just like James Bond now.

345. Riley, we got problems. Big problems.

346. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?

347. World's Ultimate Chocolates.

348. They came by my office today.

349. They're mad. I mean, they're really mad.

350. So, what? I'm supposed to be scared of

351. a bunch of guys who make candy?

352. Well, they scared me. I mean, I'm done, Riley.

353. I'm— I'm out.

354. Well, I was tired of paying your punk ass

355. to do nothing anyway.

356. You see, uh, Tom all it takes is good,

357. solid grandparenting. Look at him.

358. He's working hard, taking the initiative.

359. Jazmine just bought me a flat screen.

360. And this.

361. Ooh, that's nice. I know.

362. But it just seems like they're making

363. an awful lot of money.

364. Granddad, you have to try

365. and stop Riley before it's too late.

366. At least Riley loves his granddaddy enough

367. to buy him stuff.

368. What have you ever bought me, huh?

369. You need to be more like your brother,

370. and try to make the world a better place for me.

371. World's Ultimate Chocolates started playing rough.

372. The message was clear. They wanted us out.

373. They intimidated our suppliers...

374. Get out of here.

375. The schools... Hey.

376. Everybody.

377. Hey!

378. Fucking little shit. Well, almost everybody.

379. Oh! Me fucking knackers!

380. Come here. Aah! Help!

381. Let me go.

382. No, no, no! Please, no.

383. All right, we just gonna stay cool

384. and keep doing what we doing.

385. And just ignore all this? Come on, man.

386. These guys ain't no gangstas, they make chocolate.

387. One four-foot long slab of chocolate

388. for Riley Freeman. Sign right here, nigga.

389. Huh?

390. Clear his mouth.

391. Uh, help me. Get me out of here.

392. Who did this?

393. They said— They said they were from

394. World's Ultimate Chocolates.

395. They wanted me to give you a message

396. that this was just the beginning.

397. Oh, God, it was so scary.

398. I wanna go home now.

399. What? Me too. I quit too.

400. Why, 'cause he got dipped in chocolate?

401. Big deal, he's a kid.

402. That sounds like something most kids

403. would want to have happen.

404. Eat your way out of it, nigga, take a bath.

405. Let's get back to getting this money.

406. No way. This is too weird.

407. Granddad, you have to listen.

408. Do not get into that car.

409. It's a car-boat, thank you very much.

410. Now get out the way.

411. No!

412. No, that's my boat! You wanna be in this business,

413. you gotta pay the cost of doing business.

414. And when the cost get too high,

415. you get out of business.

416. You always gotta spoil something, huh? Man.

417. I was going to the hotel to shut down the operation.

418. But I wasn't sure what I had started

419. could be stopped.

420. Huh?

421. Hey, look, here brother.

422. Can you spare, uh,

423. some money for a starving African?

424. Hey, you never know when you might need

425. some good karma, now.

426. First rule of fundraising:

427. Don't give nothing to nobody.

428. But I ain't no fundraiser no more.

429. Thank you so very much, brother.

430. Unjambo, and good luck to you.

431. Hope you don't mind. We made some tea.

432. Allow me to introduce myself.

433. I'm the bloke you're stealing from.

434. The name's Alister Rigby, but as far as you're concerned

435. I'm Willy Fucking Wonka, and you're taking a shit

436. in my fucking chocolate factory.

437. Easy boss, don't get upset.

438. When I have to go to the dentist,

439. I'm upset.

440. When Liverpool beats Arsenal,

441. I'm upset.

442. But when some little shit decides to take over

443. one of the most profitable territories in the country,

444. I'm beyond fucking upset. I'm very fucking upset.

445. So from now on, you're under new management.

446. You will work for me, and in return,

447. you'll receive an allowance.

448. Allowance? Yes, allowance.

449. As in, I'm allowing you to keep 10 percent,

450. and I'm allowing you

451. to keep drawing breath on this earth.

452. Now, you either get down, or you lay down.

453. What's it gonna be, sunshine?

454. This wasn't no movie.

455. The smart thing was to say yes,

456. get up, and leave the room.

457. But then I thought to myself,

458. what if this was a movie?

459. Look. Fuck you, fuck the plane you flew in on,

460. fuck them shoes, fuck those socks

461. with the belt on it, fuck your gay-ass

462. fairy faggot accent, fuck them cheap ass cigars,

463. fuck your yuck-mouth teeth, fuck your hair-piece,

464. fuck your chocolate, fuck Guy Ritchie,

465. fuck Prince William, fuck the queen.

466. This is America. My president is black

467. and my Lambo is blue, nigga.

468. Now, get the fuck out my hotel room

469. and if I see you in the street,

470. I'm slapping the shit out of you.

471. I think this one's spent too much time at the cinema.

472. Teach this cheeky bastard a lesson.

473. Nobody fucking move!

474. Aw, man.

475. This is bad.

476. What is this, a casting call for The Sopranos reunion?

477. Do me a favor, tell room service nobody here ordered

478. the extra-large wop with a side order of wops.

479. Whoa!

480. Jesus Christ, I thought he'd never shut up.

481. So you guys are probably wondering

482. why we just kicked in the door

483. and shot your boss here in the face.

484. Well, to be honest,

485. it's tough times out there.

486. Nobody's spending on nothing.

487. No drugs, no whores, no gambling, nothing.

488. Except, apparently, chocolate bars.

489. So consider this a hostile takeover.

490. We got a problem?

491. Absolutely not. No.

492. Okay, have a nice day.

493. Now get the fuck out of here.

494. FBI! FBI! Drop your weapons!

495. Nobody move.

496. Don't do something stupid.

497. Don't make me do it.

498. Oh, man, this is really bad.

499. Whose side are you on?

500. We paid you off. What are you doing here?

501. It's our chocolate, motherfucker.

502. Candy.

503. Candy.

504. How much we got? What do you mean?

505. Don't play with me Jazmine, the money.

506. How much money we got? We don't have any money.

507. I donated it. You what?

508. I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

509. You gave away the money?

510. Who told you to give away the money?

511. That was the point of a fundraiser.

512. No! Why you do that?

513. You said it was for charity. You never give the money away.

514. Oh, God.

515. Who you give the money to?

516. Hello, PETA.

517. Man, why you didn't tell me

518. she was gonna give away the money?

519. So here I am.

520. Back to being a nobody.

521. A loser.

522. The thing people ask me most

523. is would I do it again?

524. Hey, you kids still selling

525. those chocolate bars for charity?