1. SEALs picked this guy up
out of Kabul.Copy !req
2. Name is Omar Abdul
Hassan Assad AbadCopy !req
3. Ali Shaheed Muhammad.Copy !req
4. CIA guys couldn't get
anything out of him.Copy !req
5. They said you were
our best bet.Copy !req
6. You know who I am,
don't you?Copy !req
7. So you know
what I'm gonna doCopy !req
8. if you don't tell me
what I need to know.Copy !req
9. You do not scare me.Copy !req
10. Stand him up.Copy !req
11. Where's the target?
Allah, make my testiclesCopy !req
12. strong against the boot
of the infidel—Copy !req
13. Where is the target?
My gonads are indestructible,Copy !req
14. my penis shaft is strong
like the oak tree.Copy !req
15. [GRUNTINGCopy !req
16. His vitals are spiking.
He can't take much more.Copy !req
17. We're just getting
started.Copy !req
18. Agent Flowers,
his heart.Copy !req
19. No.Copy !req
20. Wait.
Wait a minute.Copy !req
21. Okay, look.
Maybe I was being stubborn.Copy !req
22. Let's try and talk this out!Copy !req
23. Wait, I remember!
The target is!Copy !req
24. Woodcrest!Copy !req
25. So it's true, huh? You're
finally calling it quits.Copy !req
26. Yeah. So now you can stop
spying on me.Copy !req
27. Well, just because you say
you're retiringCopy !req
28. doesn't mean
you're retiring.Copy !req
29. You could be like Jay-Z
and come back, like,Copy !req
30. a couple of months later.Copy !req
31. But it is
the right thing do.Copy !req
32. You can't
fight the future.Copy !req
33. Don't waste
your life trying.Copy !req
34. Oh, and one more thing.Copy !req
35. You know
how you always sayCopy !req
36. "they" are coming
to get you?Copy !req
37. Well this time "they"Copy !req
38. actually are coming
to get you.Copy !req
39. Who?
Central TerroristCopy !req
40. Agency or Unit or—Copy !req
41. Uh, come on, I don't know.
A bunch of guys with guns.Copy !req
42. Why?Copy !req
43. They seem to think you're
a domestic terrorist,Copy !req
44. because you are.
I'm retired.Copy !req
45. Why don't you go ahead
and tell them thatCopy !req
46. while they're
waterboarding you?Copy !req
47. Is this a trick?Copy !req
48. No, a trick
is a motherfuckerCopy !req
49. who'd be out spending money
on these bitches.Copy !req
50. This is a warning.Copy !req
51. Hey, man,
you see my new iPhone?Copy !req
52. I got one.
I don't like the shit.Copy !req
53. Shit, I love my iPhone.Copy !req
54. This shit can do
anything and everything.Copy !req
55. Yeah, everything except make
a fucking phone call.Copy !req
56. And on the line right now
is regular caller,Copy !req
57. I love this guy, always has
some brilliant insights,Copy !req
58. Dan Stucky. Dan, what's
pissing you off today, buddy?Copy !req
59. What isn't
pissing me off today?Copy !req
60. Let's talk about our
president, "Buck Ofama."Copy !req
61. It's lunacy! It's like
he's declaring warCopy !req
62. on rich people.
Right now, you know,Copy !req
63. I'm a private
security contractorCopy !req
64. on the front lines
defending American freedom.Copy !req
65. But I got plans
to start my own business,Copy !req
66. and I figure to have about $30
million in the first two years.Copy !req
67. Wow. Well, Obama is gonna kill
that 30 million. Just kill it.Copy !req
68. Yeah, he's gonna take it,
redistribute itCopy !req
69. and give it to all
those losersCopy !req
70. who sit around all day
watching TV and getting fat.Copy !req
71. Unbelievable, isn't it?Copy !req
72. I heard
Obama's passing legislationCopy !req
73. that'll let guys
who can't get laidCopy !req
74. go to your house
and bang your wife.Copy !req
75. Ha-ha-ha!
Dan the Security Man,Copy !req
76. as always you are
right on point.Copy !req
77. Always good to hear from you.
Next caller.Copy !req
78. Hey, right on time.Copy !req
79. It's Tweedlee
fucking dumb assCopy !req
80. and Tweedlee
bigger dumb fucking ass.Copy !req
81. Today's our last day, Dan.
You gonna miss us?Copy !req
82. I just can't wait till
we get this brand-newCopy !req
83. super fantastic
security system running.Copy !req
84. Well, in 24 hours
the new system will be online,Copy !req
85. the building will re-open,Copy !req
86. and we be out
your life forever.Copy !req
87. You know what keeps
this building secure? Me.Copy !req
88. A dedicated, fit,Copy !req
89. fearless security enforcement
professionalCopy !req
90. who can spot a godless
terrorist from a mile away.Copy !req
91. Let me see your fancy
fucking computer do that.Copy !req
92. I think you'll feel
differently tomorrow.Copy !req
93. Just make sure you're here
24 hours from now, oh, about...Copy !req
94. 3:17 p.m.Copy !req
95. And watch the magic happen.Copy !req
96. It's gonna be like you died
and went to heaven.Copy !req
97. Hey, do you have
an iPhone?Copy !req
98. Eat my ass.Copy !req
99. I love it.Copy !req
100. I got everything I needCopy !req
101. for this whole operation
right here.Copy !req
102. I got my secret plans
and maps.Copy !req
103. Only problem is
it's so thin, so light,Copy !req
104. it can fall out my pocket
and I don't knowCopy !req
105. the shit happen.
And did you know the screenCopy !req
106. was so indestructible it can
stop a speeding bullet?Copy !req
107. That shit can't stop
no damn bullet.Copy !req
108. It's an iPhone,
not the iSpyPhone.Copy !req
109. Okay,
timing mechanism is functioning.Copy !req
110. Everything looks good.
Setting the timer.Copy !req
111. I remember when these shits
first came out, man.Copy !req
112. Bitches would be coming
up to you like,Copy !req
113. "Let me see that iPhone,
let me play with it,Copy !req
114. "let me stick it up my ass,Copy !req
115. put it in my mouth,
suck on it."Copy !req
116. Then one day, you know, I got
tired of all these questions,Copy !req
117. you know what I'm saying?
I let the girlCopy !req
118. stick the iPhone up her butt.
Huh, took the doctorsCopy !req
119. 12 hours to get it out.
And you know what?Copy !req
120. It was still working.Copy !req
121. It's good to see you,
Jack.Copy !req
122. Thank you, director.
How's Tracey?Copy !req
123. I remember you two were
very much in loveCopy !req
124. and had your whole lives
ahead of you.Copy !req
125. Yes, we were. Then...Copy !req
126. Tracey, wait—Copy !req
127. Tracey!Copy !req
128. Aw, shit, that's bad.Copy !req
129. Yes, she died
very violently, sir.Copy !req
130. After some time passed,Copy !req
131. I was engaged to a very
special woman named Eleanor.Copy !req
132. Then...Copy !req
133. Catch, Agent Flowers!Copy !req
134. Eleanor!Copy !req
135. Holy fuck, that's bad.Copy !req
136. I thought I would never
love again,Copy !req
137. then I met Taquanda.
Taquanda?Copy !req
138. Yes, sir. Taquanda.Copy !req
139. Then...Copy !req
140. No.
Jack!Copy !req
141. Get this motherfucker!Copy !req
142. What you standing
there for? Goddamn it!Copy !req
143. Jack Flowers, you worthless
white motherfucker!Copy !req
144. Taquanda!Copy !req
145. Jesus fucking Christ,
that's terrible, Jack.Copy !req
146. He tied her to a missile?Copy !req
147. What kind of deranged,
Wile E. Coyote shit is that?Copy !req
148. Well, I'd love to stand around
and reminisce,Copy !req
149. but we should get to work.Copy !req
150. We followed up
on that Woodcrest clue.Copy !req
151. Came up with one match.Copy !req
152. Domestic terroristCopy !req
153. with radical leftist
affiliation.Copy !req
154. Name is Huey Freeman.Copy !req
155. Homeland wants you
to pick him up.Copy !req
156. We'll have a field team
ready in 20.Copy !req
157. Banes, are you sure
about this?Copy !req
158. Look, I've done bad things
in my day.Copy !req
159. I've killed people.Copy !req
160. I've also kicked a lot
of people in the nuts.Copy !req
161. I still
hear their screams.Copy !req
162. My nuts!Copy !req
163. But I've never
hurt a child.Copy !req
164. He's no normal child,
Jack.Copy !req
165. NSA's got a file on him
thicker than a Luke dancer.Copy !req
166. Now I don't know if you know
anything about Luke dancers,Copy !req
167. Jack, but they're
very thick.Copy !req
168. Very large thighs
and buttocks, Jack.Copy !req
169. That's how thick
his file is.Copy !req
170. If he puts up a fight,
you put him down.Copy !req
171. Here's what I'm saying.
I used the Recorder appCopy !req
172. to dictate the plan
into the phone.Copy !req
173. I used the AroundMe appCopy !req
174. to find out the bomb parts
and the detonators.Copy !req
175. I used the Amazon app
to price everything out.Copy !req
176. Why pay any more
than necessary for C4?Copy !req
177. Shit's gonna blow up anyway,
right?Copy !req
178. Great. Maybe one day
they'll invent an appCopy !req
179. where you can actually call
some goddamn body.Copy !req
180. ED:
Crap.Copy !req
181. Great.
It's no problem.Copy !req
182. I'll just call my grandfather,
he'll get us a new car.Copy !req
183. Now let me just use the GPS
to find out where we are.Copy !req
184. We're down the street
from your house, asshole.Copy !req
185. Look, that's Riley's house
over there.Copy !req
186. Yep, that's what
the iPhone say.Copy !req
187. Will you just please
make the fucking call?Copy !req
188. I ain't got
no goddamn bars.Copy !req
189. Shit.Copy !req
190. Granddad, I know you're not
gonna believe me,Copy !req
191. but I think
there are government agents—Copy !req
192. Boy, I don't have time
for your crazy bull crap.Copy !req
193. I don't like to be
bothered when myCopy !req
194. Real Housewives of Compton
is on.Copy !req
195. Oh, no, she didn't.Copy !req
196. Ew, yes, she did.Copy !req
197. Damn it! Argh!
Pause it, boy.Copy !req
198. fat gorilla. I said I will
snatch you bald, beyotch!Copy !req
199. Hey, Pops!
We need a favor.Copy !req
200. Have you delivered
the final shipment?Copy !req
201. Not yet, we're at
the Freemans' right now.Copy !req
202. We, uh, blew a tire.Copy !req
203. What the hell
are you doing at the Freemans'?Copy !req
204. There's federal agents
closing in on that house.Copy !req
205. Get to the warehouse now!Copy !req
206. Ed, we gotta jet.Copy !req
207. Show ain't over yet.
Now, Ed.Copy !req
208. I told her,Copy !req
209. don't fuck with me,
don't fuck with me.Copy !req
210. We got some shit
we gotta take care of.Copy !req
211. Super secret type shit.Copy !req
212. Ed, come on.Copy !req
213. Okay, fellas, well,
give your granddaddy my best.Copy !req
214. Oh, and, uh, I'd stay away
from downtown for—Copy !req
215. For quite awhile.
Ed!Copy !req
216. You should only
be going uptown.Copy !req
217. Ed!
U-P-T-O-W-N.Copy !req
218. Ed!Copy !req
219. Yes, I did say
that I would tap that ass.Copy !req
220. That's what I had to say,
nigga...Copy !req
221. but her man was good,
he was good, honey.Copy !req
222. He put it up on me—Copy !req
223. Federal Agents!Copy !req
224. Good. Got everything
under control over here.Copy !req
225. You hoes need
to get up off me.Copy !req
226. Rest of the house is clear.
Damn it.Copy !req
227. CTA, this is Flowers.Copy !req
228. The package is not here,
I repeat,Copy !req
229. we did not get the package.Copy !req
230. Someone must have
tipped him off.Copy !req
231. Set up a perimeter,
he's probably still on foot.Copy !req
232. Jack, I got something.Copy !req
233. Looks like the old man's
credit cardCopy !req
234. was just used to buy
a train ticket online.Copy !req
235. I'm guessing our guy is
on his way to the station.Copy !req
236. We're on our way.
All units proceedCopy !req
237. in the direction
of the train station.Copy !req
238. I want this whole place searched
from top to bottom. Everything.Copy !req
239. Oh, I can't wait.
I can't wait to seeCopy !req
240. what the white man
gonna do to you.Copy !req
241. Just drive.Copy !req
242. Jack! I got
a fast-moving yellow busCopy !req
243. about three miles
ahead of you.Copy !req
244. Looks a little suspicious.Copy !req
245. All units, the package
is believed to beCopy !req
246. on a yellow bus
straight ahead.Copy !req
247. Ah! Ah-ha!Copy !req
248. Look, look!
Here come the white cavalry!Copy !req
249. Oh, they got you now,
little nigga.Copy !req
250. Try to get the kid alive.
I'm gonna tryCopy !req
251. and get a clean shot
at the driver.Copy !req
252. Here he is,
here he is, Mr. White Man!Copy !req
253. Ah! Oh, I hate you.
I hate you, little nigga!Copy !req
254. Keep your foot on the gas!Copy !req
255. Take your foot
off the gas!Copy !req
256. In this footage
from yesterday,Copy !req
257. the Marines subdued
the possible potentialCopy !req
258. alleged suspects.Copy !req
259. Do you know who I am?
No.Copy !req
260. Well, if you knew who I was
then you would knowCopy !req
261. what I'll do if you don't tell
me what I need to know.Copy !req
262. Maybe, but I don't know
who you are.Copy !req
263. Do you know what kind of damageCopy !req
264. a steel boot can do
to pre-pubescent testicles?Copy !req
265. How would I know that?Copy !req
266. Tell me where the target is
before I kick you in the nuts!Copy !req
267. Get your hands off of me!Copy !req
268. I'm a proud American!Copy !req
269. Goddamn it! I knew
this great countryCopy !req
270. was gonna go straight
to shit in a sandwich bagCopy !req
271. once that bean pie chef
became commander in chief!Copy !req
272. Do you want me to kick you
in the nuts?Copy !req
273. No.
Do you want meCopy !req
274. to kick you in the nuts?
No.Copy !req
275. Do you want me to—
Wait, Jack.Copy !req
276. I do not want you
to kick him in the nuts.Copy !req
277. Why?
He's innocent,Copy !req
278. but we found something big
at his house,Copy !req
279. or should I say,
thin and light.Copy !req
280. This iPhone was found
at the Freeman residence,Copy !req
281. but it belongs to
an Ed Wuncler III.Copy !req
282. Looks like he's the guy
we're looking for.Copy !req
283. We found the attack plans,Copy !req
284. blueprints, schedule,
everything.Copy !req
285. According to this,
the target is Wuncler Plaza.Copy !req
286. There's something else.
A large shipmentCopy !req
287. of unknown materials
in a warehouse.Copy !req
288. It doesn't say anything
about what it might be?Copy !req
289. No, but it's definitely
related to today's attack.Copy !req
290. We all know what it is.
Bio-nuclear anthrax.Copy !req
291. Bio-nuclear anthrax.Copy !req
292. All right, let's move.
Call Wuncler Plaza.Copy !req
293. Tell them to evacuate
the building immediately.Copy !req
294. Jack, I want you to find out
what's in that warehouse,Copy !req
295. and then go after Ed III
and his grandfather.Copy !req
296. I'll get you a field team
in 10 minutes.Copy !req
297. Yes, sir.Copy !req
298. Look, Huey, I apologize
for what happened in there.Copy !req
299. But nobody
is above the law.Copy !req
300. Wuncler is gonna pay
for this.Copy !req
301. You have my word.Copy !req
302. Excuse me, everyone,
can I have your attention?Copy !req
303. I'm afraid we have
to abort the missionCopy !req
304. to arrest Ed III
and his grandfather.Copy !req
305. What? What about the bomb?Copy !req
306. Sorry, Jack, turns out
some people are above the law.Copy !req
307. The Wunclers will not pay
for what they did today.Copy !req
308. You have my word.
Good work, everyone.Copy !req
309. Have a good weekend.
And, oh, uh, no going rogue.Copy !req
310. I got the tequila.
Who's got the salt?Copy !req
311. I'm going rogue.Copy !req
312. Huey, you've got to get
to Wuncler PlazaCopy !req
313. and try to get as many people
out of there before it blows.Copy !req
314. A second ago you were
gonna kick me in the nuts.Copy !req
315. Huey, please,
I'm just doing my job.Copy !req
316. It's a crappy job,Copy !req
317. but somebody's gotta kick people
in the nuts.Copy !req
318. And sometimes you kick
the wrong person in the nutsCopy !req
319. and that's tragic.
But now we can both make sureCopy !req
320. it's the right set of nuts
that get kicked.Copy !req
321. You little
black communist niglit!Copy !req
322. I wanna press full charges! I—Copy !req
323. Jack Flowers.Copy !req
324. You do know who I am,
right?Copy !req
325. Why— Oh, w-why yes, sir.
You're Jack Flowers.Copy !req
326. You kick them Arab terrorist
son of a bitches in the nuts.Copy !req
327. You, sir,
are an American hero.Copy !req
328. Right now I need you
to be a hero,Copy !req
329. and help Huey get
to Wuncler PlazaCopy !req
330. before a bomb goes off.Copy !req
331. Yes, sir, mister, sir.Copy !req
332. Come on, little nigga.
You heard the man.Copy !req
333. Move your little
communist assCopy !req
334. so we can save
some white folks.Copy !req
335. Open the door!Copy !req
336. Hey, assholes.Copy !req
337. Building's closed.Copy !req
338. Look, we gotta get
everybody out of here.Copy !req
339. There are bombs
in the building.Copy !req
340. Ain't nobody in here
but me.Copy !req
341. And I'm giving
the orders around here.Copy !req
342. Who the fuck are you two?Copy !req
343. Okay,
we tried.Copy !req
344. Now hush your mouth.
This is a white man talking.Copy !req
345. Hey, wait a minute.
You two are the terrorists.Copy !req
346. I don't know how you two
escaped, but you two fuckedCopy !req
347. with the wrong
security enforcement officer.Copy !req
348. I ain't going anywhere.Copy !req
349. And neither are you.Copy !req
350. What the...?Copy !req
351. Come on! Come on!Copy !req
352. I need the password
to unlock the door.Copy !req
353. I was given a mission
by Jack Flowers,Copy !req
354. the greatest white man
since G.I. Joe.Copy !req
355. And that missionCopy !req
356. is to get you
out of here safely.Copy !req
357. Now, what's the password
to open the door?Copy !req
358. Eat my ass!Copy !req
359. Sir, do not make me useCopy !req
360. enhanced interrogation
techniques.Copy !req
361. Eat my ass!Copy !req
362. Give us the password!Copy !req
363. Eat my ass!
Eat my ass!Copy !req
364. Ruckus, wait!Copy !req
365. Eat my ass.Copy !req
366. My God,
what have I done?Copy !req
367. Oh, I have seen the enemy,
and it is me.Copy !req
368. Oh, wait a minute.Copy !req
369. I-I can't find
my iPhone.Copy !req
370. I think I dropped it!Copy !req
371. Shit,
you dropped the iPhoneCopy !req
372. that had everything on it?
What if somebody found it?Copy !req
373. They'd know exactly—Copy !req
374. Tell me who the man is
on these T-shirts.Copy !req
375. He's a dead man,
just like you.Copy !req
376. Oh, shit!Copy !req
377. ED: Bitch!Copy !req
378. What? What, punk?Copy !req
379. What? What?Copy !req
380. Oh, no.Copy !req
381. Wow.Copy !req
382. Go ahead, Steve.Copy !req
383. I am so sorry,
Mr. White Man.Copy !req
384. Never again will
this foot touch white nuts.Copy !req
385. Ruckus! Come on!Copy !req
386. We gotta go now.
Come on.Copy !req
387. Run! Run!Copy !req
388. Run!Copy !req
389. Run for your lives,
it's coming down!Copy !req
390. Huey, it's Jack.Copy !req
391. Did you get everyone
out of the building in time?Copy !req
392. Well, yeah,
but it was just one person.Copy !req
393. Meet me
at the Wuncler estate.Copy !req
394. We're gonna finish this.Copy !req
395. These are hard times.Copy !req
396. Americans
need inspiration.Copy !req
397. People want real life
to be like in the movies.Copy !req
398. With good guys
and bad guys and black guys,Copy !req
399. all that shit.Copy !req
400. This country
needed a rallying cry.Copy !req
401. A reminder of why it's great
to be an American.Copy !req
402. So you just make
this stuff up?Copy !req
403. No, several over-paid membersCopy !req
404. of the Writers-fucking-Guild
of America make this stuff up.Copy !req
405. This is just
a joke to you.Copy !req
406. We're talking about the lives
of innocent Americans.Copy !req
407. Innocent American.
Singular.Copy !req
408. Daniel Stucky,
a.k.a. Dan the Security Man.Copy !req
409. Have you ever met
Dan Stucky, Jack?Copy !req
410. He's a cocksucker.
A waste of functioning organs.Copy !req
411. But dead? He would have been
a national hero.Copy !req
412. We had Dan the Security Man
action figures,Copy !req
413. fast food tie-ins,
video games,Copy !req
414. a limited edition
collectable sneaker line.Copy !req
415. We had Dan ribbons,
Dan buttons, and Dan ringtones,Copy !req
416. and a feature film
starring Jack Black.Copy !req
417. And all he had to do
was die.Copy !req
418. But why?
Don't you have enough money?Copy !req
419. No.Copy !req
420. I'm taking you into custody.Copy !req
421. You have till the count
of three or I will shoot.Copy !req
422. One.Copy !req
423. More than enough time.Copy !req
424. Two.Copy !req
425. Agent Flowers.
Jack,Copy !req
426. it's the president.
First of all,Copy !req
427. I want to congratulate you
on the fine workCopy !req
428. you've done today.Copy !req
429. But Mr. President,
this man has conspired to—Copy !req
430. Yes, sir.
Yes, Mr. President.Copy !req
431. You can let
yourselves out.Copy !req
432. Huey, you did
a good thing today.Copy !req
433. You saved a man's life.Copy !req
434. They don't win
until you give up.Copy !req
435. They don't win
until you stop fighting.Copy !req
436. You can't fight
the future.Copy !req
437. Don't waste your life
trying.Copy !req
438. Boy! Oh, we're so glad
you're okay.Copy !req
439. I'm so sorry
I didn't listen to you.Copy !req
440. Back off. Everyone stay back
or he dies!Copy !req
441. Help! Somebody shoot
this motherfucker!Copy !req
442. You can't do this to me!
Let me go.Copy !req
443. You know who I am? Granddaddy!Copy !req
444. What are you waiting for?
Shoot him.Copy !req
445. ED:
Granddaddy!Copy !req
446. Man, we might have to think
about moving.Copy !req
447. This neighborhood ain't
what it used to be.Copy !req
448. Aw, man, we saw you
on the newsCopy !req
449. with all them Marines
pointing guns at you.Copy !req
450. And you was looking
hard too.Copy !req
451. You was like,
"What? What?"Copy !req
452. Man, Huey, you were really
right this time.Copy !req
453. You said it was gonna happen
and it happened.Copy !req
454. Imagine all the problems
we could avoidCopy !req
455. if we ever start
listening to you. Oh, well!Copy !req