The Boondocks 2x8

1. Y'all already know, folks. Riley Freeman,

2. a.k.a. Young Reezy, doing it Godzilla-big

3. here at All-Star Weekend. Only 8 years old

4. and putting the smack down on these bitch-ass niggas.

5. Here he is winning the three-point contest

6. making it rain like Lil' Wayne out this motherfucker.

7. Without even taking off his warmups.

8. Or his Tims, nigga.

9. And later,

10. he busts Vince Carter's ass

11. in the slam-dunk contest.

12. Look. Look at this right here. Look, look.

13. Goddamn!

14. Man, I seen it all.

15. Ernie, nigga, back to you.

16. This Riley Freeman, a very exciting

17. but controversial player.

18. Last year, he became the first person

19. to leave elementary school and go to the NBA

20. when the Miami Heat signed him to a $3 gazillion contract,

21. the biggest in league history.

22. I don't care how much they pay him, Ernie,

23. this kid is a disgrace to basketball.

24. He epitomizes everything wrong with the game today.

25. Now, Charles, it seems to me that you're hating on Riley

26. because he stacks paper to the ceiling

27. and rides on 24-inch chrome.

28. Yeah, that's true.

29. Now let's go back to my nigga on the floor.

30. Man, check out how Young Reezy

31. shitted on these niggas in today's game.

32. Here's Riley going up against Kobe Bryant.

33. And breaks his ankle.

34. Look at that bitch-ass nigga limping off the floor.

35. Ooh, no wonder they ride his nuts so hard.

36. Seems like Yao Ming wants some too.

37. Get your bitch ass out the way, nigga.

38. Fellas, I'm here with All-Star MVP Riley Freeman.

39. Eighty-seven points, 25 rebounds.

40. Riley, is there anything you can't do, nigga?

41. I don't know, go broke?

42. Good one, little brother.

43. Shaq, 17 blocks for Riley, you had one.

44. That's got to make you feel fucked up.

45. It did at first,

46. then I realized hating on Riley's superior game

47. doesn't make my game any better,

48. so guess I have to work harder, step up to his level.

49. That's what great players do.

50. They bring the best out of everyone on the team.

51. So he's better than you?

52. Yes. And stacks more paper

53. and gets more ho's than you, nigga?

54. Absolutely. And speaking of ho's,

55. we are also joined by Riley's grandfather.

56. And manager, thank you.

57. I see you're fucking up all your grandson's money.

58. Why, yes, I am, player-player.

59. I'm blowing through his money so fast,

60. you wouldn't believe it.

61. Yesterday, I bought a car that turns into a boat.

62. Can you believe that? A boat.

63. Granddad, you messing up my dream.

64. I paid for that bed you sleeping on,

65. so it's my dream too.

66. You should probably wake up and smell the sheets.

67. You know you pee the bed. I do not. Get out of my dream.

68. Boy, you out of your mind, raising your voice at me.

69. I'll beat your little ass in front of what's-his-name.

70. Get your butt over here, trying to embarrass me—

71. Uh, back to y'all, man.

72. Ooh. I got the cross, the cross spin.

73. The reverse spin.

74. Lean with it, rock with it.

75. I got the footwork.

76. Behind-the-head catch, yeah.

77. Damn it, boy, have you lost your natural black mind?

78. You wanna play basketball, you play it outside.

79. And play it like you got some sense.

80. No more of that damn street ball hot-dogging

81. hippity-hop, and one and seven, whatever the hell it is.

82. Matter of fact, you about to get a lesson in fundamentals.

83. Go outside and shoot free throws while I change.

84. Oh, man.

85. Any monkey can do them tricks. You need to learn the basics.

86. Eww, why are your shorts so short?

87. All right, let's go. Game on.

88. I don't think I can concentrate on the game

89. because it looks like your thing could fly out

90. and brush up against me.

91. I ain't changing my shorts. Hey, guys.

92. Couldn't help notice you were about to play some b-ball.

93. What you got there, Riley, huh? You got some moves?

94. Yeah.

95. Wow, that is pretty good ball control.

96. Hey, toss me the ball, Riley.

97. Here you go. Oh!

98. Oops, never mind.

99. Shocking.

100. I have never seen anyone his age with handles like that.

101. I told him he needs to stop

102. street ball and learn to play.

103. Yeah, but what natural talent.

104. Riley, you could be a superstar one day.

105. Shoot, I'm a superstar now.

106. Ever played on a team?

107. No. Well, I'm coaching

108. a Woodcrest Youth Basketball Association team,

109. the Mighty Deers. You know, Timid Deer Lane.

110. That's right, I rep the Deer.

111. Anyway, season just got underway,

112. but it's not too late to try out for the team.

113. Y'all any good? Um, no.

114. But we have a lot of spirit.

115. Cool. More shine for me.

116. Hey, great shorts.

117. Okay, um, Frank.

118. Go one-on-one against Riley.

119. No, no, give me the whole starting five.

120. Yep, yep. All of 'em. Let's go.

121. All right, Deers.

122. Get out there and give him what you got.

123. That's all you get for free.

124. That's all I need to see.

125. Riley, I started this team because when I was younger,

126. I saw a movie called The Mighty Ducks,

127. and there was that moment at the end,

128. just the coach believing in his players,

129. and they won.

130. It was like a miracle moment.

131. And ever since then, I wanted to live that moment.

132. Help misfit kids realize their dreams through youth sports.

133. But it all backfired.

134. They were terrible.

135. We never won a single game.

136. Just one agonizing loss after another.

137. We ended our season last year

138. with the worst record in the league.

139. It was the saddest thing you've ever seen.

140. But I think that just changed.

141. We can win, Riley.

142. You and I can share that miracle moment together.

143. If, and only if, we believe in each other.

144. I believe in you.

145. What do you say?

146. Call my agent, man.

147. You bet I will, buddy.

148. Throw it to me, throw that ball.

149. Riley, you're an hour late to practice.

150. I didn't come to practice. You never called my agent.

151. I thought that was a joke. Oh, no, no.

152. Young Reezy never joke about his paper stacks.

153. Robert Freeman. You know him, right?

154. Give him a call.

155. Y'all can take care of everything.

156. Anyway, I came to talk to you about the uniforms.

157. I got mine today and that joint is wack.

158. Oh, we gotta talk about the team name too.

159. You don't like the name? We rep Timid Deer.

160. I don't wanna rep Timid Deer.

161. I wanna rep something that don't sound faggy.

162. I'm not feeling the name. Nope.

163. I don't care how good you are, I'm not changing the name.

164. Suit yourself.

165. I just feel sorry for them.

166. They ain't never gonna get

167. that dream you promised them and for what?

168. One man's ego? Sad. Good luck.

169. Bye, Riley.

170. Bye, Riley.

171. Tom relented and negotiated

172. a half-season contract with Riley.

173. In lieu of monetary compensation,

174. Tom agreed to allow Riley to design the uniforms

175. and pick the name of the team.

176. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

177. the Ball-a-Holics!

178. Young Reezy Riley Freeman.

179. That's my boy! That's my boy—

180. Go, Ball-a-Holics! Go!

181. Uh-oh, everybody, keep an eye on your wallet.

182. Look here, old dog.

183. Only stealing and shooting I wanna see

184. is of this here b-ball, you little future ex-con.

185. Game on.

186. Folks, we are getting underway.

187. Tip-off there, right, straight in the hands of Young Reezy.

188. Show them what you got.

189. Fancy dribbling, between the legs, pass on the side

190. around the right side of his opponent—

191. Leaves him in the dust. Below-knee dribbling.

192. You're not gonna see this in any kid's game.

193. Take it to the hoop!

194. He's got the eye of the tiger.

195. Still dribbling now, there's some impressive dribbling.

196. Keeping the other kids off guard, still, uh—

197. Still, um— Still at it, still, uh— Still dribb—

198. Okay, Riley. Pass the ball.

199. Just, uh, kind of dribbling, we've seen—

200. Pass.

201. It's when you let go of the ball and give it to someone else.

202. Come on, go for it!

203. Riley, pass!

204. This is— He's still—

205. Riley, pass the ball.

206. Goddamn. Enough with the dribbling.

207. Shoot the ball.

208. Come on, Riley, take it to the hoop.

209. Riley, attack the basket! Go!

210. Riley, shoot. Why won't he shoot the ball?

211. Oh, he's got the look on his face.

212. Towards the goal, got the dribble.

213. Going up, up, beautiful jump shot.

214. Beautiful arc on that ball.

215. Looks like it may have just enough

216. to go way into the cypresses.

217. ALL Air ball.

218. That's kind of embarrassing after that buildup.

219. It's okay, Riley. First-game jitters, come on.

220. Come on, Big Bird,

221. what you got? Let me see what you got.

222. Goes straight up in his face and— Ooh, a swish.

223. Gotta hurt a kid's soul right there.

224. Riley up, now two defenders.

225. A little hook shot and nothing.

226. Can somebody say "brick ball"? I can.

227. Brick ball. Okay, back on D.

228. Riley now on defense, coming up behind, and—

229. Easy lay-up right in Riley's face.

230. There's a bim, a bam, and one more thank-you-ma'am.

231. That's your man. Ho-ho, look at that fadeaway.

232. Swoosh. Whammo. Wow.

233. Zero-40.

234. Riley up again—

235. Up again for the easy jump shot, as far as—

236. Uh-oh.

237. I hate to laugh at an 8-year-old, folks.

238. I gotta take a little time-out.

239. White man made you look like a fool.

240. Ain't no surprise to me.

241. All the greatest basketball players have always been white.

242. Still are. Larry Bird, Dirk Nowitzki.

243. Oh, sure, he ugly as hell on the face,

244. but he as white as rice.

245. Bullshit.

246. Uh-huh. Playing against people

247. ain't like playing against furniture, is it?

248. I ain't never playing again.

249. So that's it?

250. You're just gonna go on and quit.

251. Well, I was excited seeing you out there.

252. Granddad, I looked like a fool out there.

253. I can't shoot the ball, and I don't know why.

254. Because you don't practice.

255. Oh, so that's what practice is for.

256. Now, remember, Riley,

257. you're not the only one out there.

258. Winning is about teamwork.

259. I remember my senior year at Princeton.

260. We beat Chris Webber and Michigan with teamwork.

261. They still show the highlights of that game sometimes.

262. Wait, you don't mean the—

263. The giddyup-ride-'em-cowboy dunk.

264. Uh, yeah.

265. That was me.

266. Ew, that's the worst thing ever.

267. Point is, we won.

268. That's what you call winning?

269. A nigga's nuts in your face?

270. Man, I'd hate to see what you call losing.

271. Hey, I took a charge for the team. We won.

272. No, but it ain't look like you won.

273. Well, that is not what winning is about.

274. Well, to you, winning is about a nigga's nuts in your face,

275. so I'm saying...

276. Sources close to the Ball-a-Holics

277. say young Riley Freeman has really changed his game here.

278. He's giving that ball up a lot more

279. and being a real team player.

280. He's got that look in his eye, passes it off to his teammate.

281. All right, great.

282. Riley's got the ball back again, charges.

283. That's it, Riley. Nothing fancy.

284. Still great dribbling— A double crossover.

285. I don't believe it. This kid has the heart of an 8-year-old.

286. Ooh!

287. Goodness gracious alive.

288. You gotta give him props on that one, folks.

289. Props all around.

290. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little chest-bump action—

291. King Kong ain't got nothing on me.

292. I love you, Granddad. Thank you, all.

293. Coach Tom for believing in me—

294. Riley! Riley! Get back on D.

295. Boy, play defense!

296. Uh-oh.

297. All right, folks, we are back in the thick of it now.

298. Riley, two defenders on him,

299. passes to his teammate, up, and good.

300. Something different is happening here.

301. This is a well-oiled machine, folks—

302. Ooh, another two points.

303. Yes!

304. Score, 16 to 4.

305. Do you feel that, gang?

306. That's it. That's the feeling I've been promising.

307. Folks, things are looking bright and cheery

308. for the Ball-a-Holics now. Share the ball.

309. Riley out there, he goes around the defender—

310. Oh. Whoa, looks like he could have used

311. a little help on that one.

312. Again? Enough of—

313. Riley, stop!

314. It's okay, I got it, I got it.

315. Check it out, check it out.

316. It's shine time, folks, but all that glitters is—

317. You're not even looking

318. at the basket.

319. He made that a whole lot harder than needed.

320. And in his face.

321. Score is 16-8.

322. Riley, please. Stop the showboating.

323. How am I gonna be a superstar without a highlight reel?

324. Don't worry, we still ahead.

325. Game on. Scared to tell you, folks,

326. there's more than one person in the word "team,"

327. if that makes any sense.

328. No, Riley, no!

329. This kid sure can dribble, but he shoots like shit.

330. Nothing. Absolute pure air, folks.

331. Riley has gone from sugar

332. to absolute crap in no time at all.

333. Well, it's like I said before:

334. the defense for the Ball-a-Holics

335. just isn't there.

336. What?

337. Over to Riley,

338. he takes the last shot of the game...

339. Up and in.

340. Yeah.

341. See? I told you I could do it.

342. Well, Riley seems happy,

343. but apparently for no good reason.

344. The scoreboard tells the tale.

345. Huey?

346. Yeah?

347. I don't like losing.

348. Well, then, stop beating yourself.

349. Huey?

350. Yeah?

351. You still a bitch.

352. And at shooting guard,

353. she's currently the league high-scorer.

354. The Blond Bomber, Cindy "Fearsome" McPhearson.

355. Looking at the white girl is a foul.

356. Speaking to the white girl is a technical foul.

357. And touching the white girl, ho-ho, now, that's a lynching.

358. Game on.

359. Uh-oh.

360. Don't get picked by a girl, now.

361. I don't think you want that, that ain't pretty.

362. Fearsome takes the ball,

363. she goes past him and an easy lay-up.

364. Ooh, in one, volume six right there.

365. You might wanna cop that, bro.

366. It's like these guys are playing from the exact same—

367. Ooh, a fake pass behind his head,

368. goes around to the right side, up and good.

369. You're just mad because I'm styling on you.

370. Looks like we have a match-up like we haven't seen

371. in quite a while. Step up, opens up and straight in.

372. Riley's got some pepper of his own out there, folks.

373. Tossing it up and in.

374. Didn't know I'd be playing with a baby.

375. Bottles.

376. Sure, go home right now.

377. Goes around with two defenders on her—

378. There's a reason they call her Fearsome,

379. Not because her dad

380. was a bear.

381. Riley, you've got to calm down.

382. You're letting her mess with your head.

383. I know, you right, you right.

384. I'm gonna be cool, I'm gonna be cool.

385. Got him. Got him. Got him.

386. As she goes around him once again, Riley, defending—

387. Ooh, a little finger roll there.

388. Foul, foul.

389. Keep your hand off that white girl.

390. Foul. Oh, come on, man,

391. that's some old bullshit.

392. That's a technical foul.

393. Oh, one more of those and Young Reezy is out of here.

394. Come on, ref, that's some kind of bull.

395. You need glasses out there?

396. Score is 24-30.

397. We can still win this.

398. Man, we can't beat 'em. Not while she in the game.

399. You gonna have to get in her head the way she's in yours.

400. I gotta bag on her.

401. That's a great idea.

402. Whoa, whoa, are you guys talking about

403. insulting that child to throw her game off?

404. Oh, how about, her breath is so stank

405. that, um, it smells like hot garbage?

406. Say something about her mama. Like, her head's so big,

407. she use a fitted sheet for a stocking cap.

408. Wait, wait, wait. Your mama's so black,

409. when she get out the car, the oil light come on.

410. I don't think that's gonna work.

411. All right. How about, your mama's so fat—

412. No, no, no, wait, wait.

413. Your mama's so ashy— No.

414. Miss Elderberry was talking about Cindy's mom.

415. Ooh, this is good. This is really gonna get her.

416. What I had heard was...

417. —with that big ass...

418. —you know—?

419. Game on.

420. Oh, boy, you look mad. I'm scared now.

421. You're not gonna cry now, are you?

422. Your mama got caught giving up neck

423. in the bathroom at the Woodcrest Country Club,

424. and it wasn't your daddy.

425. What? This game's a real squeaker.

426. There goes Riley, up—

427. Oh, for some reason, he left her standing there.

428. Standing, looking dumbfounded.

429. Ooh-wee, your mama does cocaine when she thinks nobody around.

430. Who told you that?

431. Uh-oh. Look out.

432. Folks, whatever Riley is doing out there, it is working.

433. Your parents are getting divorced

434. and waiting till after your birthday to tell.

435. Looks like Riley is all up in her head,

436. and speaking of being ahead,

437. folks, we're looking at something here.

438. Sixty-one, 44.

439. Riley, this is it.

440. This is your day.

441. I always believed in you.

442. Thanks, coach.

443. Well, look at this.

444. The Tigers have only one player to sub

445. and it looks like it's little Billy Mathews.

446. Now, Billy is autistic but he sure loves basketball.

447. Getting his first playing time right here today.

448. Son, just go in there and have fun.

449. Today's your day. I always believed in you.

450. Ball's being passed to Billy Mathews,

451. poor little kid.

452. Oh, I'm gonna take it easy on you, Rain Man.

453. This nigga out here like Forrest Gump, y'all.

454. No hope on this, and the ball goes straight up— And in!

455. What the—?

456. The crowd is loving this kid.

457. Three points plus 44 points equals 47 points,

458. definitely 59 points minus 47 points

459. equals 14 points to go.

460. All right, Billy, no more freebies.

461. A little lucky shot there by Billy Mathews and— Again.

462. Billy Mathews is incredible. Yes!

463. I knew you can do it. I knew you can, Billy. Yeah.

464. Here you go, Billy.

465. The ball stolen by Billy Mathews.

466. He's got angle, he's got aim, he's got game.

467. Billy Mathews, out of nowhere,

468. makes you wish the whole team

469. was autistic right now, doesn't it?

470. Boy, that kid is special.

471. Game goes to the Tigers, 68-61.

472. Come on, Billy. Yay! Go!

473. Last time I saw something this powerful

474. was at the end of The Mighty Ducks.

475. What a miracle moment.

476. Motherfucked!

477. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

478. Pricks, shit. Shit, shit, shit.

479. Shit.

480. We've been showing it all day,

481. simply unbelievable.

482. Little Billy Mathews playing his first game

483. in the Woodcrest Youth Basketball League, get this:

484. Twelve for 12 from downtown.

485. Man, how would you like to be

486. the poor kid guarding Billy in this game?

487. How about this?

488. The movie rights to Billy Mathews sold today

489. for a cool million dollars,

490. and there is talk, get this,

491. of giving Billy his own sneaker.

492. Way to go, buddy, you deserve it.

493. Finally, a kid who knows what the game is all about.