The Boondocks 2x2

Directed by Seung Eun Kim

While on a date with Tom Dubois, Sarah Dubois meets the singing sensation, Usher. Sarah starts being obsessed with Usher, and Tom begins to think Sarah is cheating on him. Sarah kicks Tom out of the house and Tom moves in with the Freemans. A pimp Named Slick Back returns in this episode to try to help Tom get Sarah back.

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1. Okay. Ready?

2. None for me, thanks.

3. Tom, I think you can have

4. a second glass on your anniversary.

5. I'm driving, sweetie-pooh.

6. Heh. I don't think one more glass

7. of wine will kill you.

8. No, but driving under the influence of alcohol

9. could kill me or you, or somebody's baby.

10. Worse yet,

11. I'd spend the next 20 years in jail being—

12. Anally raped.

13. Yeah, let's talk more

14. about your violated rectum.

15. Oh, I find it so romantic.

16. Hey, I'm just saying—

17. So...

18. n-no wine, then?

19. No, thank you.

20. Oh, oh— Oh, my gosh.

21. Ah. Now, that's what

22. I like to see.

23. Oh, my. No, honey, don't sing. Not again.

24. Um, Tom. Tom... ♪ Sarah

25. people are looking. ♪ When you feel cold

26. Tom, please.

27. Honey. Honey, maybe this isn't the best place to be singing—

28. Yay. All done. ♪ It's you, hey, and me

29. Every time we come in. ♪ Forever

30. Good.

31. Yay.

32. Ah! Oh, my God.

33. What is it, honey?

34. Wait. Is that Usher?

35. Yes! Oh, my God.

36. He's coming over.

37. I can't believe this.

38. Oh, sweetie,

39. you hit the table.

40. Hey, how you doin', babe?

41. Hi, uh, uh, Mr. Usher.

42. I— I can't believe it's you.

43. I'm Sarah.

44. You have a beautiful smile, Sarah.

45. ♪ Whoo

46. I love this song.

47. Oh, wonderful.

48. Thank you very much. Oh. Oh, God.

49. Uh—

50. That was beautiful. It's just what I do.

51. Oh, um, this is, uh... Tom.

52. Yes, I'm Tom. Just Tom.

53. Hey, how

54. you doin'?

55. You are so interesting.

56. You're interesting.

57. If you don't mind me asking,

58. where did you learn to dance like that?

59. I've never seen anyone dance like Michael Jackson before.

60. Well, I've been dancing for as long as I remember.

61. It's not just the music. I have seen all of your movies.

62. Really? Even Light It Up?

63. I loved Light It Up.

64. I named my dog Light It Up. Girl, please.

65. My mama wouldn't even see Light It Up.

66. So funny. She's my manager.

67. I'm gonna talk to your mom. She on MySpace.

68. I'll call her. Hee-hee-hee.

69. Are you a natural blond? Oh. Oh, you are so funny.

70. Okay, one more.

71. Please, we gotta get one more. Look at that one.

72. Let's go get some fresh air.

73. It'd be good for my vocals.

74. Sorry, man.I'm ticklish.

75. I'm gonna

76. tickle you again.

77. Wouldn't let that shit happen to me though.

78. You rollin' with Ush.

79. And this is where I put the rabbit ears behind his head.

80. Ha-ha. See, honey?

81. Yes, yes, I see the ears.

82. Don't you think your behavior might have been

83. the slightest bit inappropriate?

84. Oh, stop being insecure.

85. You were flirting.

86. He asked me to send him the pictures.

87. Tom, you know I'm a big Usher fan.

88. So is Jazmine,

89. which make sense, because she's 10.

90. What's that supposed to mean?

91. It means you're a bit old to be acting

92. like some screaming TRL groupie.

93. Stop the car.

94. Now, now, we won't have any of that. Just calm down.

95. Stop the car!

96. Uh, are you mad?

97. Usher?

98. That nigga's my age.

99. So you guys don't think I'm overreacting?

100. I don't think so.

101. You're a bigtime lawyer,

102. and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher?

103. Not an usher. Usher. He's a singer.

104. Ushers ain't supposed to sing.

105. You can't hear the movie.

106. I finished cleaning the storm drain for you, Robert.

107. Oh. What's wrong?

108. Tom's wife is cheating on him with a singing usher.

109. Oh, I didn't say she was cheating.

110. Lord, Lord, Lord. How did you end up

111. with that white woman anyway?

112. I say toss her groupie ass out the window

113. and let that ho stargaze from outside.

114. Now, Riley, there's never a place

115. for violence in a relationship.

116. There sure seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night.

117. She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher.

118. Boy, watch your mouth.

119. Probably started out charitable.

120. She took you in, was probably teachin' you how to read.

121. But, Granddad, she did make Mr. DuBois look like a bitch.

122. Yeah. We know she made Tom look like a bitch,

123. but find a different way to say it.

124. Next thing you know,

125. you rubbin' against that silky white skin. Oh.

126. But I don't know the non-curse way

127. to say he got bitched.

128. Humiliated, castrated, emasc—

129. Oh, all right, all right. I get the point.

130. I mean, I can see if it was a real nigga.

131. If you lost your ho to T.I.,

132. I'd be like, "Hey, that's T.I."

133. But Usher?

134. You better check that ho, Mr. DuBois.

135. You know what? You guys are right.

136. I'm gonna go back there and put her in check.

137. For example, how many white women

138. want to go to a basketball game just to see the game,

139. come back with one of them NBA niggas out of sympathy?

140. She came to see the game.

141. She wanted to be entertained.

142. Oh, the white woman's got a big heart.

143. Lord, she's got a big heart.

144. Is your granddad home?

145. Granddad. Mr. DuBois' at the door.

146. You's a bitch.

147. Well, Tom, I'm sorry to hear about the split.

148. I would love to let you crash,

149. but I just don't know where you would stay.

150. Maybe the guest room.

151. Who told him about the guest room?

152. Thank you so much, Robert.

153. See, boys? See why

154. I tell you marriage is bad?

155. I don't care what nobody say.

156. I ain't never gettin' married.

157. Statistically speakin', it was bound to fail anyway.

158. See it's burnin' me to hold onto this.

159. I know this is something I gotta do.

160. Sarah—

161. I love you ♪ I love you

162. It's just, I feel like this

163. is coming to an end.

164. ♪ But we did fell apart

165. ♪ Jumpin' like it used to

166. Car!

167. Hello?

168. It's Sarah.

169. How are you, baby?

170. You're still taking Jazmine

171. to her recital practice at 3, right?

172. Yes.

173. What—? What is that in the background?

174. Are you doing the music video thing again?

175. Gotta go, honey. Bye.

176. It's burning.

177. Hey, Tom. Shut the fuck up.

178. Boy, watch your mouth.

179. Tom, shut the fuck up.

180. Sorry. I'm so cold.

181. Could be worse.

182. Could have been Omarion.

183. Thank you for that perspective, Huey.

184. No problem.

185. So I said, "I ain't paying for dinner and a movie, woman.

186. "You must have lost your damn mind.

187. Shoot, I don't care if you are Eva Mendes."

188. Wait. What was the question?

189. So this is the message you want to send

190. to the young youth out here like myself

191. just tryin' to do the right thing

192. and not love these ho's, huh?

193. W-w-w-what's all this?

194. Is this what's hot right now in the streets?

195. That's what's really hood, huh?

196. All for some white girl who left you for an R&B dancing-ass,

197. sexy-flexy- ass nigga?

198. And so, sweetie,

199. that's why Daddy is

200. staying over at the Freemans' house.

201. So Mommy can have her space.

202. So you're not getting a divorce?

203. Oh, no, sweetie.

204. So Usher won't be my new daddy?

205. What? No. Th— That's ridiculous.

206. Oh. Are you sure?

207. Maybe just for a little while?

208. I mean, you like it here, don't you, Daddy?

209. This is a...

210. pretty-good-sized room.

211. I don't know what we're gonna do, but we gotta do—

212. Shh. Here he comes.

213. Guys. I just wanted to thank you

214. for letting me stay here.

215. I know it's been an inconvenience.

216. Not at all, Tom.

217. You take as much time as you need.

218. We gotta do whatever it takes

219. to get him the hell up out of here.

220. Ooh. I got an idea.

221. Hey, Tom.

222. Tom. Get down here.

223. Uh... what's goin' on, guys?

224. Uh, Mr. DuBois,

225. my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.

226. And this, sir, is an intervention.

227. An intervention? Your friends have

228. reason to believe you are suffering

229. from chronic bitch dependency, Mr. DuBois.

230. May I call you Tom?

231. Is this some kind of joke?

232. Tom... bitch dependency

233. is no laughing matter.

234. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends,

235. your health, and scary enough, even your money.

236. It's a disease, Tom.

237. Wait. What was your name again?

238. Well, thank you for asking.

239. My name is A Pimp Named Slickback.

240. Wait. "A pimp"?

241. Named Slickback.

242. Yes. Please say the whole thing if you would.

243. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part.

244. Yes, Tom. Every time.

245. Look, Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback—

246. No need for the "mister."

247. I-I don't think I need any help

248. from someone like you.

249. And by

250. "someone like me,"

251. you mean a pimp?

252. A bad guy?

253. Uh, look, I'm not trying to insult you.

254. I just don't approve of what you people do to women.

255. Ohh.

256. So I'm wrong. So I'm messed up.

257. Well, which one of us is the one missin' a bitch, Tom?

258. You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch.

259. I know where all my bitches are,

260. thank you very much.

261. Bitch, where you at?

262. I'm out here

263. gettin' your money.

264. That's what the hell I thought.

265. Thank you, Grandma.

266. Now look at you: bitchless.

267. "Sans bitch," as the French in France would say.

268. I've had enough. I'm going back upstairs.

269. Tom.

270. Tom, when we first let you stay here,

271. we thought it was only gonna be temporary. But damn.

272. Tom, I just don't see any end in sight.

273. It's only been two days.

274. Nigga, hush. You're living under my roof now.

275. You're gonna get some help.

276. You know what? I know a great therapist.

277. I'll make an appointment today.

278. That...

279. also would have been a good idea, but...

280. we've already paid Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback

281. a retainer of $2500.

282. Robert, you shouldn't have.

283. With your credit card.

284. Did you know

285. that scientists now believe

286. that some people are actually born

287. with a genetic predisposition

288. to bitch dependency, Tom?

289. And exactly when did you become a relationship counselor?

290. Well, sharing this pimp knowledge

291. for an exorbitant fee is my way of giving

292. something back to the community, Tom.

293. I want to help you, Tom. I do.

294. But I need you to help me...

295. help you.

296. Huh.

297. "Help me help you." Yeah, okay.

298. Now... tell me, if you would,

299. about this bitch you have an unhealthy dependency on.

300. Could we please not call her a bi— Bi—?

301. Say it. "Bitch." Yeah. Bitch.

302. Uh, yes, we've gotta call her that, Tom.

303. I'm sorry. After what she's done,

304. not callin' her a bitch would be disrespectful to you.

305. And I'm not able to do that.

306. Now please continue, Tom.

307. Well, my wife, Sarah—

308. I mean— She's the best woman in the world.

309. We've had a great life together until now.

310. It sounds to me, Tom,

311. like some of the passion

312. has gone out of your marriage.

313. And perhaps you're not providing enough excitement for her.

314. It's a normal thing in long-term relationships.

315. And you can help me fix it?

316. Hell no. I'm gonna help you make that bitch behave.

317. She wants excitement, she can take her ass to the movies.

318. Did you know that at least 75 percent of bitches

319. suffer from some kind of hearing loss?

320. This alarming statistic means that more likely than not,

321. talking isn't the most effective way

322. to communicate with a bitch.

323. That's when you have to hit her.

324. Whoa. What?

325. You tell her what you want her to do.

326. If she say, "No," hit the bitch. Simple.

327. But I— I couldn't hit Sarah.

328. I couldn't hit any woman.

329. Has not hittin' a bitch been working?

330. I mean, scientifically speaking,

331. has not hittin' the bitch achieved the desired results?

332. No way. I just—

333. I— I-I can't. I— I couldn't.

334. Tom. I won't.

335. Tom, Take a deep breath.

336. It's okay. People have phobias.

337. Some niggas can't cross bridges,

338. you can't go upside a bitch's head.

339. Okay. We can beat this.

340. Tom, this is my bottom bitch,

341. Sweetest Taboo.

342. Now, she's gonna help you learn how to

343. reestablish dominance at home.

344. Hello. Heh.

345. Taboo will be playing the role of your wife.

346. Now, approach Taboo,

347. grab her arm firmly

348. and command her to leave with you.

349. Okay.

350. Sarah, get your behind—

351. Stop, stop. Say "bitch."

352. Do I have to call her a bitch, really?

353. Yes, Tom. You have to call her a bitch.

354. Trust me on this one.

355. I've done the research. Now, try again.

356. Bitch, get your behind—

357. Ass.

358. Bitch. Get your ass in the car.

359. Kiss my ass, you little-dick, faggot motherfucker.

360. If you was any kind of real man, I wouldn't be here

361. with Usher in the first place!

362. Wait, hold on. I don't think that's what Sarah would say.

363. It's now tragically obvious

364. that reasoning with the bitch

365. is not gonna work, Tom.

366. You have to hit her.

367. I am an assistant district attorney, for chrissake.

368. Tom...

369. you have to get past this.

370. It's okay, faggot... really.

371. See, faggot? She just gave you permission.

372. Ah. My chin— You see that?

373. Bitch is hittin' you. All right, lady.

374. Okay— Ow!

375. You're definitely allowed by law to hit her now, Tom.

376. It's self-defense. I didn't do anything.

377. Okay? Sweetest Taboo,

378. you are in rare form.

379. This is my state-of-the-art surveillance center.

380. Why does a pimp need a surveillance center?

381. Included in your retainer fee

382. is state-of-the-art bitch surveillance.

383. Quiet Storm here has been monitoring

384. your wife's conversations and e-mails.

385. Daddy, I've got transcripts of all her conversations today.

386. No mention of Usher.

387. I'm hacking into her e-mail now,

388. but, tsk, this computer is running a bit slow.

389. Perhaps if we didn't have dial-up.

390. Bitch, don't start with that

391. "we need another computer" shit.

392. You say that shit every time a new iMac comes out.

393. You ain't slick. You better

394. make that G4 work, bitch,

395. and stop playin' with me.

396. Yes, Daddy.

397. Nothing in the e-mail.

398. Does she have a MySpace page?

399. MySpace?

400. I don't think Sarah would have a—

401. Found it.

402. Huh.

403. Uh, since when did she have a MySpace page?

404. You know what her password might be?

405. Um. Gosh-golly, we— We usually use

406. each other's middle names as passwords,

407. so mine would be Lancaster.

408. That's L-A-N— Got it.

409. Password is "Usher." Here we go.

410. Message to Usher.

411. They're getting together at 3:00

412. at the Woodcrest Chateau Hotel.

413. That's in an hour. We have to go.

414. You have to take me!

415. Tom, if you're not ready to take control,

416. then going there won't help.

417. I say let the bitch go.

418. I paid you $2000, and $500 as well.

419. Now, Tom, I hope you can appreciate

420. our no-refunds policy.

421. How about a complimentary date with Sweetest Taboo?

422. No, no, no.

423. You're still on retainer,

424. and we're going now.

425. Ohh...

426. Now the nigga can get some bass in his voice.

427. Yeah, bitch. Let's go.

428. There they are.

429. Remember to hit the bitch.

430. Right.

431. Thank you so much for doing that. I mean, you guys

432. just went above and beyond.

433. I mean, really—

434. Sarah.

435. I mean, bitch...

436. get your ass in the car.

437. Excuse me, Dolemite.

438. You heard me, beyotch.

439. Tom, please calm down

440. and let me go.

441. Hey, look, man, I think you should calm down.

442. Ah!

443. The hell—? You can't have my wife!

444. Tom!

445. Daddy. What did you do to Usher?

446. Jazmine?

447. Daddy. Leave Usher alone.

448. What are you doing?

449. Why are you trying to kill Usher?

450. Yes, Super Fly. What did Usher ever do to you?

451. Jazmine wanted to meet Usher.

452. You're an animal.

453. Is Usher okay?

454. So you're not—? No.

455. Uh-huh, uh-huh. Easy, boys.

456. Ow!

457. Yeah, nigga.

458. Oh, okay. I see what this is.

459. Stop! Don't hurt him.

460. He didn't mean it.

461. He was trying to hit me.

462. Tom!

463. I've never felt so much pain!

464. I'm sorry, Usher!

465. Shut the fuck up,

466. Tom.