The Boondocks 1x6

1. Okay.

2. So tell us a little bit about yourself.

3. I'm the founder of 23 different radical leftist organizations,

4. including the Africans Fighting Racism and Oppression,

5. or AFRO, if you will,

6. uh, the Black Revolutionary Organization, or BRO,

7. uh...

8. Yeah, sure.

9. People tell me

10. I look like Bill Cosby all the time—

11. I mean, excuse me—

12. Dr. Bill Cosby.

13. Especially when I wear these sunglasses.

14. Yeah. Yeah, my name is Riley, son.

15. But, you know, niggas call me

16. a.k.a. Riley Escobar.

17. You know what I'm saying?

18. 'Cause I be in the streets, you know?

19. I got all kinds of names, like H.R. Paperstacks,

20. uh, also known as, a.k.a. Horse Choker.

21. Uh...

22. And also the Black Revolutionary Underground Heroes.

23. Um...

24. BRUH?

25. Yeah, BRUH.

26. A.k.a. Pillsbury Doughboy.

27. A.k.a. Louis Rich.

28. Like the turkey bacon?

29. Yeah, like the— What?

30. So like I was saying,

31. I've always believed that Cosbyness

32. is next to godliness.

33. So my granddad's wearing his Bill Cosby shades,

34. and I'm like, "This nigga look blind."

35. And then I thought, "Boom, I got an idea.

36. I know how we can get this money."

37. And I made a tape.

38. Dear Xzibit, my name is Riley Freeman.

39. If my granddad has one weakness,

40. it's bitches.

41. He's been a lonely man

42. ever since he had a bleach fight

43. with his first wife and went blind.

44. All he's got in this world is his car, Dorothy.

45. The car's in pretty bad shape.

46. And everyone knows that bitches don't really check

47. for niggas with beat-up cars.

48. I'm Robert Freeman's driver.

49. And I'm tired of driving this piece-of-shit car he got.

50. Give him somethin' better.

51. But maybe if he had a nicer car,

52. he might be able to get a date,

53. and not have to pay for it.

54. Please, Xzibit.

55. Oh, hold up, hold up.

56. Please, Xzibit, pimp my ride.

57. For my grandfather.

58. For 9/11.

59. For America.

60. What's up, y'all? This X-to-the-Z, Xzibit,

61. and we here at the house of Riley Freeman.

62. And we about to pimp

63. his grandfather's car, Dorothy.

64. As you can see, Dorothy is way past her prime.

65. I mean, look at the paint job.

66. This car look like it need some lotion.

67. Oh, snap. It's Xzibit.

68. Yeah, nigga, yeah.

69. What up, homey?

70. I'm here to pimp your ride.

71. Who the hell is that

72. at the door?

73. Shh.

74. Come here. Hurry up.

75. Stay down.

76. Yo. Why are we hiding?

77. Are you kidding?

78. If he comes out here and finds

79. his favorite rapper, Xzibit,

80. fixing to pimp his ride,

81. he'll have a heart attack.

82. For real?

83. I'm his favorite rapper?

84. Man loves your whole catalog.

85. But now y'all gotta get the hell

86. up out of here before he finds you.

87. And I want some, uh, 23-inch rims,

88. and, uh, uh— And I want five televisions.

89. And I want a toilet seat in the trunk.

90. Hey, man, we just doing—

91. Get the hell out of here!

92. You ain't stealing my—!

93. Hey, man! Hey, hold on! Hey!

94. Get out! Stop, Granddad! Stop!

95. Stop, Granddad!

96. Yo, just—! Come on, man!

97. Goddamn.

98. Dude, you got fucked up by that old-ass man.

99. Oh, look at the wheels. Oh, my God!

100. Oh, my goodness.

101. See, you too could have a TV in the steering wheel.

102. Boy, Dorothy isn't just a car.

103. I've loved and cared for that vehicle for 30 years.

104. You think I'm let some damn rapper

105. put a goldfish in the dashboard?

106. Ho's love goldfish, Granddad.

107. You two need your own sitcom.

108. All you gotta do is get on TV with a sob story,

109. and people give you free stuff.

110. I still ain't gonna lie to nobody.

111. If there's one thing that I can't stand,

112. it's lying.

113. I'm a Christian man.

114. You ain't gots to lie.

115. I'll lie. Just play along.

116. They gonna fix my transmission?

117. Gentlemen,

118. I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

119. And, now, w-w-where's that boy?

120. What's his name? Inhibit?

121. The whole catalog, huh?

122. Now, y'all gonna fix

123. my transmission, right?

124. The tooth fairy will be coming soon.

125. The tooth fairy? Yep.

126. Every time I lose a tooth,

127. the tooth fairy takes it away

128. and leaves a dollar under my pillow.

129. There ain't no such thing as the tooth fairy.

130. Then who's leaving the money?

131. Probably your parents.

132. They have both the cash and the access to your room.

133. Why would they lie to me?

134. Because the truth hurts, Jazmine.

135. The world is a hard and lonely place,

136. and nobody gets anything for free.

137. And you wanna know what else?

138. One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.

139. You enjoy

140. abusing people's illusions.

141. I respect that.

142. It's thankless work.

143. Do you like my sunglasses?

144. I wear sunglasses because my idol, Dr. Bill Cosby,

145. wears sunglasses all the time.

146. And you know what they say:

147. "Cosbyness is next to godliness."

148. Who are you?

149. Nobody, really.

150. Just thought you might wanna talk

151. to someone who understands.

152. You don't know me.

153. I know you better than you think, Huey Freeman.

154. It's not that I don't

155. believe you, Huey.

156. It's that I don't believe you,

157. and I'm not interested.

158. But, Granddad, I am being followed

159. by a secret government agent.

160. Ain't nobody following you.

161. You just want attention.

162. I bet Xzibit's gonna put, like,

163. 30-inch rims on the car.

164. Thirty inches?

165. Is that big?

166. He knew stuff about us, like—

167. Like— Like the stupid Bill Cosby sunglasses thing.

168. Well, these stupid sunglasses

169. got us a new car.

170. So you say the car stops and the wheels keep spinning?

171. That's amazing.

172. All I'm saying is, when Xzibit brings that car back,

173. you gonna be bitches.

174. What did you call me?

175. No, no. I mean, bitches, like—

176. Like you gonna have so many bitches,

177. that's what niggas is gonna call you.

178. No disrespect.

179. No disrespect?

180. You just called your grandfather "bitches."

181. Yeah, but I don't mean "bitches" in a disrespectful way.

182. I mean it as a general word for women.

183. And you gonna let him get away with that?

184. It's okay... just this once.

185. Granddad, I'm just saying...

186. you might have to change your middle name

187. from Jebediah to Bitches.

188. It's all I'm trying to say. No disrespect.

189. Hm. Granddad Bitches Freeman.

190. Hoo.

191. Got a nice ring to it.

192. Shh.

193. Did you hear that?

194. What? What is it?

195. I don't hear anything.

196. Shh. It's Huey's

197. make-believe government agent.

198. In our bathroom, taking a dump.

199. This nigga got imaginary friends.

200. Man.

201. Good morning, Freeman family.

202. What in the hell?

203. Mr. Freeman, I know you can't see us

204. because you're blind,

205. but we're from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

206. And we're gonna build a new wing onto your house.

207. Brought to you by Sears.

208. Cut.

209. Okay, let's do it again, people.

210. And get a reverse angle from inside the house.

211. Come on.

212. The cameras are rolling,

213. so everyone should smile.

214. Okay, guys, out with the old,

215. in with the new.

216. Let's go.

217. Granddad, you do realize

218. these people are gonna destroy the house, right?

219. They gonna make the house, like, five times bigger.

220. More room for bitches.

221. What's the catch?

222. Just keep pretending you blind.

223. That's it? That's it.

224. Oh, and, um—

225. I, uh, might have—

226. I maybe, uh, might have told 'em

227. you was running

228. a homeless shelter out of here.

229. We have to work together.

230. We're running out of time.

231. I had to tell 'em somethin'.

232. Watch your b—

233. People, that's not...

234. It's not like we don't have a big-ass house already.

235. Don't trip. We'll just find some people to act homeless.

236. By the way, I told 'em to put in a grotto.

237. A grotto?

238. Yeah. Like Hugh Hefner got.

239. Nobody got bitches like Hugh Hefner, right?

240. You ain't never lied about that.

241. Whee! I'm pretty!

242. You are too much. Funny.

243. Yeah, just call me Big Daddy.

244. You know, that's what the girls call me, Big Daddy.

245. Thank you. That's great.

246. Big Daddy.

247. Yeah. Mm.

248. Bacon?

249. Don't mind if I do.

250. Naked cutie-pie.

251. "Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang! Thank you."

252. Mr. Freeman, you have an amazing grotto.

253. Please, Mr. Hefner, call me Bitches.

254. Okay, Mr. Bitches...

255. Uh...

256. The homeless people are needed in Makeup.

257. Huh?

258. The homeless people.

259. This is a homeless shelter, right?

260. We assumed there'd be homeless people.

261. Uh... If they was here

262. all the time,

263. they wouldn't be homeless,

264. would they?

265. It's a shelter, not a prison.

266. Beat it.

267. Little bastard.

268. Uh, excuse me... Bitches?

269. Uh, I've actually seen this show.

270. They're gonna demolish the house.

271. Hello? Do you hear me?

272. Come on. Let's find some homeless people.

273. Don't worry about pillows.

274. He's fucking blind, okay?

275. Go away. Beat it.

276. Shoo.

277. Hey, there, Huey.

278. I found this little "homeless" girl.

279. And I know how your grandfather loves

280. to take care of homeless people.

281. What the hell are you doing here?

282. Your brother called.

283. Said if I bring Jazmine over,

284. I could sing on the show.

285. Hi, I'm Tom.

286. I live across the street.

287. I'm a lawyer by day, but—

288. Whoa. Whoa, up here.

289. Ha-ha, there you go.

290. So... like I was saying,

291. my true passion is singing.

292. You know,

293. I've really had it

294. with this faggot designer over here

295. who's trying to make pillows.

296. Okay, let's just leave everything...

297. I tell you what...

298. If your granddad has one weakness...

299. it's bitches.

300. Of course, they're my weakness too.

301. What do you want with me?

302. It's complicated, Huey.

303. Uh...

304. I'm a secret agent sent to spy on you.

305. Okay. Maybe it's not that complicated.

306. If this house

307. is not done in...

308. Do spies normally introduce themselves

309. to people they spy on?

310. What spy school did you go to?

311. Ah. I'm too old to be sneaking around.

312. Excuse us. Coming through.

313. What if I tell someone right now?

314. You tried that earlier, in the kitchen, remember?

315. By the way,

316. I wasn't really in the bathroom taking a dump,

317. but, man...

318. Oh, that brother of yours is a hoot.

319. And your grandfather...

320. Those two need their own sitcom.

321. Leave me alone.

322. Look...

323. just because my job is to watch your every move

324. and eavesdrop on every telephone call,

325. and monitor your every e-mail,

326. doesn't mean we can't be friends.

327. Excuse me.

328. Did you notice me talking to someone a second ago

329. right here, dressed like y'all?

330. Wasn't really lookin'. Sorry.

331. Where are we puttin'

332. the fried chicken dispenser?

333. I mean, everything we see is a false reality.

334. It's like Big Brother, The Matrix,

335. whatever you wanna call it.

336. While we're watching each other,

337. they're watching us.

338. All the time.

339. Some of you may be wondering

340. why we're renovating the Freeman house

341. when it's already so big.

342. Well, it turns out that Robert Freeman, who is blind,

343. has run a homeless shelter

344. out of his house for years.

345. Yes, sir, I been living with the Freemans

346. for three months now.

347. They the cleanest colored folks you ever did see.

348. Mm, my mother, um...

349. used crack?

350. She used crack, she left me in a dumpster.

351. And you should give Riley a movie theater.

352. Excuse me, Mr. Bitches.

353. We have some release paperwork for you to sign.

354. Hold on. Let me read it first.

355. Yeah, good one. Good one.

356. Now,

357. just sign here.

358. And there.

359. Great.

360. Ha-ha-ha, excellent, excellent.

361. Thanks. Word.

362. Whoa. Whoa.

363. Wow. Whoo.

364. Hi, Huey.

365. What's the matter?

366. You wouldn't understand.

367. I'm being shadowed by a secret agent.

368. Really? Who?

369. Where is he?

370. I don't know.

371. Kinda just pops up out of nowhere

372. and then disappears.

373. You mean, like the tooth fairy?

374. No, I don't mean

375. like the tooth fairy.

376. Sounds like the tooth fairy to me.

377. You can believe in secret agents,

378. and I can't believe in the tooth fairy?

379. That's messed up, Huey.

380. Go eat something out of a dumpster,

381. you street urchin.

382. It doesn't have to last!

383. Don't use nails then!

384. Use glue! I don't care!

385. Just get it done!

386. We are running out of time.

387. What the—?

388. This is some bullshit.

389. Man.

390. Oh! What—?

391. Man, what's—? Ugh.

392. What—? Ugh.

393. I should never have let you talk me into this.

394. First, you let Noxema take my car away.

395. Now these white people are destroying my house.

396. Granddad, all we gotta do is keep up the act.

397. We gonna have a new car and a new...

398. house.

399. All because we didn't listen to Huey.

400. Excuse me, uh,

401. Mr. Bitches.

402. I think your car just showed up.

403. Dorothy.

404. When we first saw Dorothy,

405. the only thing that worked was the off switch.

406. That car was so old it ran on unleaded coal.

407. But take a look at the new Dorothy.

408. Yo, man! Oh, my Lord, have mercy!

409. Check it out. Look at the rim. I can't believe it.

410. Look at the paint job. Oh, that's my color too.

411. Oh, give me a hug. Man, Grandpa bad too.

412. Huey gotta ride in the back. Look at that. No, no, no, no.

413. Look at the seats.

414. Pimping, pimping hot.

415. Oh, I'm gonna start pimping. I'm gonna do something.

416. I'm gonna do something. Oh, look at them seats.

417. Oh, I can't wait to get me a little cutie-pie in here.

418. Oh, my Lord, have mercy. Oh, skanks!

419. I can't believe it. They're bad!

420. Dorothy! Dorothy! Whoa!

421. You're so beautiful. All right, all right.

422. Granddad, Granddad, let's roll out right now.

423. Hey, I don't know

424. what the hell is going on?

425. What's making the rims

426. keep spinning?

427. Granddad, you're supposed

428. to be blind.

429. Oh, yeah. Shit, man.

430. What the hell?

431. He's not blind.

432. I was like,

433. "Man, Granddad done fucked it up for everybody."

434. Oh, shit. Is he gonna hear me say fuck?

435. Yeah, I messed it up.

436. Teach that boy a lesson.

437. Trying to rip off the TV show.

438. What I know about acting blind?

439. Ah, man.

440. This is like when Rerun got caught

441. bootlegging the Doobie Brothers concert

442. on What's Happening!

443. Oh, yeah. Isn't that the one where he's dancing

444. and that big-ass tape recorder

445. falls out of his coat? Yeah.

446. I love that song.Is he gay?

447. I don't know what the hell...

448. What the hell's going on

449. with this guy?

450. This is getting way too weird.

451. Gentlemen, don't leave.

452. Gentlemen.

453. Come on, what about my house?

454. It's not my fault. The boy—

455. I shouldn't have listened to the boy...

456. I knew that nigga wasn't blind the whole time.

457. This soup tastes like horse piss.

458. Hey, wait a minute.

459. Pff! I can't believe you're not blind, man.

460. Not Dorothy.

461. Please!

462. You did this to me. Riley, this your fault.

463. Dorothy! Don't go, Dorothy!

464. Don't forget to get

465. the watermelon patch.

466. Please listen to me.

467. Somebody listen to me before I kick your ass...

468. Yo, anybody home?

469. You know you can see us.

470. Fellas, we thought about it, and...

471. Well, here's your car back, man.

472. Thank you.

473. Thank you, Eczema. Thank you.

474. Yeah. We kinda felt bad for you guys.

475. Besides, our lawyers told us we couldn't keep the car.

476. Good-looking, my nigga. My man, Ex-convict.

477. I always said you were my favorite rapper.

478. I messes with Xzibit.

479. We'll just charge y'all for all the work we did on it:

480. $35,423.08.

481. You Indian-giving-ass nigga. I hate you rappers,

482. with your bebop, bebop.

483. Why don't you exit out of my face, Exhibition.

484. I do not mess with Xzibit.

485. Bastard.

486. All right, here's the invoice.

487. And take your time with that.

488. Looks like money gonna be

489. tight around here for a minute.

490. She does look nice.

491. All things considered,

492. I say we came out ahead.

493. Uh-oh.

494. Come here!

495. I've come up with a name for you:

496. The White Shadow.

497. Hm.

498. I'm white, I'm shadowing you.

499. It's very clever.

500. And I've decided that you're a figment

501. of my overactive imagination.

502. Now who's hiding from reality?

503. Just because you're paranoid, Huey,

504. doesn't mean we're not out to get you.

505. If you are real,

506. why me?

507. Oh, come on.

508. You underestimate yourself.

509. It's a shame what happened to the house.

510. You warned them.

511. They wouldn't listen to me.

512. They never listen to me.

513. I know you wanna save the world, Huey,

514. but sometimes people have

515. to learn lessons on their own.

516. The hard way.

517. Well, can't miss the Idol.

518. If you ever wanna talk, remember...

519. I'm always listening.

520. "Your eyes can deceive you. Don't trust them."

521. It seems to be getting harder distinguishing reality

522. from the illusions people make for us.

523. Or from the ones we make for ourselves.

524. I don't know. Maybe that's part of the plan:

525. to make me think I'm crazy.

526. It's working.

527. Anybody wanna drink out the fridge?

528. Or an espresso?

529. Good night,

530. Granddad.

531. I'll good your night.

532. Good night, Huey.

533. Good night, Riley.

534. Good night, Huey's imaginary

535. secret-agent friend.

536. Granddad, Huey's imaginary friend

537. tried to touch me in a private place.