The Boondocks 1x2

1. Here's something

2. black people have known

3. for a couple of hundred years:

4. Niggas are crazy.

5. Black people don't like to talk about crazy niggas in public

6. 'cause white people may be listening.

7. But I'm afraid the secret might be out.

8. Former singer Whitney Houston

9. appeared in court

10. alongside husband Bobby Brown,

11. who's facing battery charges

12. for allegedly beating his once-respectable wife.

13. Hell to nah! Bobby don't hit me.

14. See, we have this TV show, a-and it's— It's our TV show.

15. And I was tryin' to get more time on it.

16. It's my show, bitch!

17. You know, I think they're on drugs.

18. Let's see what's on BET.

19. Oh, Lordy-Lord. Oh, shake it to the right.

20. Mm. Shake it, shake it, shake.

21. You boys cover your eyes. Shake, shake, shake.

22. Got to leave something to the imagination.

23. That's just showin' too much booty. Turn it.

24. And on our "Talking Points" this evening,

25. it seems like the hip-hop community

26. is trading in their gold chains

27. for gold showers.

28. Hip-hop singer R. Kelly is on trial again this week

29. for sharing some of his liquid bling

30. with yet another underage girl.

31. Some advice for Mr.

32. Next time, use a golden shower curtain

33. and keep your golden showers to yourself.

34. What's wrong with a man giving away a golden shower?

35. Sounds like a nice gift to me.

36. What? Shoot, I wish somebody gave me a golden shower.

37. One, I like gold. Two, I like showers.

38. Put it together, hey, that sound like the life.

39. Hoo!

40. If you're good,

41. Santa Claus might give you a golden shower for Christmas.

42. Christmas?

43. My man Santa.

44. And controversial R & B superstar R. Kelly

45. will be heading into court tomorrow

46. for the first day of his latest highly anticipated trial

47. for child pornography

48. and lewd acts with a local minor.

49. Granddad, can you take us into the city tomorrow

50. to watch the R. Kelly trial?

51. Hell, no.

52. But you can walk.

53. It's 40 miles.

54. All the money I spent on them damn Nikes?

55. Heh. You better "just do it."

56. Assistant District Attorney Thomas DuBois

57. is leading the prosecution of Kelly

58. and has a mountain of evidence

59. against the famous R & B performer,

60. including a videotape allegedly showing Kelly

61. urinating on a 14-year-old girl,

62. which is widely available for download

63. at www.FreeToPee.com. Ooh.

64. I'm gonna go, uh...

65. check my e-mail.

66. Yeah.

67. Get your little short ass back here!

68. Hey, boys!

69. Hey there, Huey. Riley.

70. I couldn't help but notice your sign,

71. and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me

72. having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.

73. Hey, man, you do what you gotta do.

74. Why R. Kelly, huh? What did R. Kelly do to you?

75. He's accused of relieving himself

76. on an underage girl on tape,

77. which is against the law.

78. Okay, okay, okay.

79. But let's examine this whole peein' thing.

80. So I can pee in a toilet, and it's okay,

81. but if I pee on a person, it's, like, not okay?

82. Well... yeah.

83. Well, what if I'm peein', and Huey's in the bathroom,

84. and I accidentally pee on Huey?

85. Should I go to jail?

86. What the hell would I be doin' in the bathroom

87. while you're in the bathroom?

88. Hold up, hold up.

89. Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed

90. when we was littler?

91. From time to time, I'd have a little accident.

92. You still do. Shut up.

93. So, Mr. DuBois,

94. Mr. "I Wanna Lock Niggas Up for Peein',"

95. what's the statute of limitations on bed-wettin'?

96. Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?

97. Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you

98. for bed-wetting.

99. And you shouldn't.

100. It's a natural bodily function.

101. And now every nigga in the world gonna be scared to pee.

102. I may never pee again!

103. Riley, it was a little girl!

104. Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little.

105. I'm little. Yes.

106. Gary Coleman's little. Yes.

107. Mini-Me is little. Very.

108. And to the best of my knowledge,

109. we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.

110. But what about the victim?

111. Oh, yes, the victim.

112. At what point does personal responsibility

113. become a factor in this equation?

114. I don't think that—

115. I see piss comin', I move.

116. Mm.

117. She saw piss comin', she stayed.

118. Yes, she did, but—

119. And why should I have to miss out

120. on the next R. Kelly album just for that?

121. Man, you just got beat by an 8-year-old.

122. And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on your cat!

123. I tell you,

124. it sure is beautiful out here.

125. White folks sure know how to make some nice foliage.

126. Ah, come on, Ruckus.

127. You can't give the white man credit for the trees.

128. Where them two little nappy-headed grandkids of yours?

129. Ah, they went into the city

130. to watch the trial of that singer.

131. Oh, right, right.

132. That black sumbitch that supposed to have had

133. urinal relations with that underage colored gal.

134. Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a 14-year-old baby?

135. You can't compare a chocolate monkey like R. Kelly

136. to Jerry Lee Lewis!

137. Jerry Lee Lewis is the king of rock 'n' roll!

138. Great balls of fire!

139. Besides, that situation was different.

140. That was family.

141. We're here

142. at the R. Kelly trial,

143. where there are a handful of angry protesters

144. making their voices heard.

145. These are scholars, activists,

146. pillars of the African-American community,

147. and they are outraged.

148. And we're just going to head over here

149. to the R. Kelly supporters,

150. where it's quite the festive event.

151. And you are? Hey!

152. Now, why did you come out here to support R. Kelly?

153. 'Cause he good!

154. And what about those protesters over there

155. who say he's crossed the line?

156. Mm.

157. Man, fuck them literate-ass, uppity niggas.

158. All they talk about is readin' and eatin' right.

159. Nobody wanna hear all that shit.

160. If I wanna get high blood pressure, then—

161. Nigga, get the carrot away from me!

162. If I wanna get high blood pressure,

163. then damn it, that's my business!

164. Let's talk to another R. Kelly supporter.

165. Uh, you there, urban youth.

166. Why do you think R. Kelly is innocent?

167. If I started peein' on you right now,

168. would you, A, smile and ask for more,

169. or B, move the hell out the way?

170. But before you answer that, let me ask America:

171. Has pee ever really hurt anybody?

172. And I wanna give a big shout-out to my homey,

173. D-Bone, whassup?

174. Okay, that's enough.

175. Oof.

176. Get off me!

177. Get off me, Huey!

178. Free R. Kelly!

179. Hey, yo, yo, yo! Look! Free R. Kelly!

180. Those R. Kelly haters are oppressin' that little boy!

181. Free R. Kelly!

182. Free— Argh!

183. Get out of here, y'all.

184. We know what we talkin' about.

185. Get 'em! You want a piece of me?

186. Aaaahhh!

187. I knew it would be just a matter of time

188. before violence broke out.

189. It's pandemonium here at the R. Kelly trial.

190. Oh, the humanity!

191. Mr. Kelly! Mr. Kelly!

192. Do you have a statement?

193. This is truly an example

194. of black people stickin' together.

195. In the words of Sister Souljah,

196. "An injustice anywhere is an injustice...

197. anywhere."

198. Amen.

199. What did O.J. Simpson say to Kobe after his case was over?

200. What's that?

201. Don't let this whole trial thing

202. turn you off to white women.

203. That's funny on so many levels.

204. Lord, I just wish they would let me on that jury, boy.

205. Thank God for the white man's court of law.

206. It's the only way to keep these crazy niggas under control.

207. Well, that and pepper spray.

208. You know, I sat on a jury one time.

209. Really?

210. Oh, yeah.

211. It was in 1957, back in Tennessee.

212. Now, the defendant was accused

213. of shootin' three little white women

214. with a Winchester rifle from about 50 yards away.

215. See, now, he thought he was gonna get off

216. with that old "I'm blind" excuse,

217. but, oh, boy, he had another thing comin'.

218. The jury will now go off

219. and deliberate on—

220. Guilty!

221. That nigga is guilty!

222. Sir, settle down. You have to go deliberate.

223. I don't need to deliberate. Hang that nigga now!

224. I got the rope right here!

225. King me.

226. Lady Liberty is on our side.

227. Justice will prevail.

228. The judge and jury will do the right thing.

229. I'm telling you, Huey, it's an open-and-shut case.

230. Mr. DuBois, are you fully aware

231. the extent to which niggas love R. Kelly?

232. Oh, Huey, it's under control.

233. Watch me work.

234. And so, ladies and gentlemen,

235. not only will we prove it is Mr. Kelly in the video,

236. we will prove that the victim was 14

237. at the time the video was shot.

238. Thank you, Mr. DuBois.

239. And now we'll have the opening statement

240. for the defense.

241. The ancient Greeks,

242. the architects of Western civilization,

243. would regularly indulge in sexual activities

244. with children.

245. Were they... perverts?

246. In Puritan America,

247. the forefathers of this great land

248. would take wives who were 12 or 13 years old,

249. much younger than the alleged victim.

250. Were they... sickos?

251. In Tokyo, you can buy teenage girls' panties

252. in vending machines.

253. Do we call them...

254. "disgusting"?

255. Of course not!

256. What do all those things have to do with Robert Kelly?

257. Nothing.

258. Let's get to the point.

259. Now, some people see this so-called "mountain"

260. of evidence,

261. these "videotapes,"photographs,"

262. "eyewitnesses" and "DNA,"

263. and see a guilty man.

264. But some of us can see that "mountain"

265. of so-called "evidence"

266. for what it really is:

267. racism.

268. Oh, he said it right there.

269. Which one was the one that got caught

270. with that homely, little white gal?

271. Kobe.

272. Right.

273. Now, I know exactly what happened to Kobe.

274. Kobe caught that white fever.

275. White fever will get in your blood, man.

276. It'll make you crazy.

277. And you know they got them short, little skirts nowadays

278. and that, uh— What—? What they call them?

279. The—? The—? The tongs?

280. Thongs.

281. Yeah, right.

282. They got the thongs all up the booty crack,

283. and they got that sweet white nectar.

284. Oh, Lord, have mercy.

285. And after that, it's over.

286. You wake up, and you don't even know what you darn done.

287. Just a pool of sweat around your ankles

288. and a deep sense of satisfaction.

289. Gimme a minute, Robert.

290. You look like you need to take five.

291. Mm-hm. Yeah, sure.

292. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

293. I present to you the R. Kelly tape.

294. I warn you, it is graphic.

295. Yeah!

296. Oh. Oh, my... Oh, my...

297. No, he didn't.

298. Objection! We can't even see his face clearly.

299. Man, he got freckles

300. and everything.

301. That proves nothing!

302. Hello? Yes, this is Robert Kelly.

303. Yes, the singer.

304. You want my Social Security number?

305. Sure, it's 916-34-7865.

306. Okay. God bless.

307. Well, um...

308. Now, young lady,

309. I know this might be hard to talk about.

310. No, it's cool.

311. How old were you when you were seeing Mr. Kelly?

312. Mm, 14 and a quarter.

313. Wow. That's a great age, isn't it?

314. Still learning so much about the world.

315. Whatever. I guess.

316. Could you describe the events leading up

317. to the shooting of the video?

318. Yeah. He asked if he could pee on me,

319. and I said, "Fo' sho'."

320. I mean, it's R. Kelly, the Pied Piper of R & B.

321. I been peed on by guys that don't even have record deals.

322. Shit, if I didn't want to get peed on,

323. I'd just move out the way.

324. RILEY: Ha! I told you!

325. Order!

326. Would you describe yourself

327. as an African-American woman?

328. Nigga, you blind?

329. No, I'm not.

330. So it's safe to say that R. Kelly is...

331. sexually attracted to black women, right?

332. Mm-hm.

333. Objection, relevance!

334. Your Honor, I'm trying to establish to the court

335. that my client is a proud black man

336. who loves his black sistas,

337. unlike District Attorney DuBois,

338. who's married...

339. to a white woman!

340. Damn.

341. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

342. Now, I've listened to your black ass

343. talk all day about how much you can't stand black folks.

344. Ain't two of 'em in the history of the world

345. that's worth a squirrel fart.

346. Well, how much you love white folks?

347. Best thing the good Lord ever did for the planet Earth.

348. Ruckus, you black as the ace of spades, man.

349. I don't see the need for you to go and insult a man

350. after a game of Checkers.

351. We been reminiscin' all day, lookin' in each other's eyes,

352. actin' like we like each other.

353. Now, you gotta go ahead and remind me of my ailment.

354. Ailment? That's right.

355. You heard of vitiligo?

356. Shoot! Well, I got re-vitiligo.

357. Every year my skin just seem to get blacker and darker

358. and blacker and then more darker. Huh.

359. It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.

360. Lucky bastard.

361. Ruckus, how could you possibly love white people so much?

362. It's easy. Have you ever looked at 'em?

363. White man is just a joy to be around.

364. They smell like lemon juice and Pledge furniture cleaner.

365. And look at 'em. They gave us discipline, jobs,

366. put structure in our life, took us out the jungle.

367. And what we do to show our appreciation?

368. We march up and down the street.

369. We vote. Carry on.

370. Ingrates.

371. Well, how about this?

372. Game.

373. Nigga.

374. I'm going to show you

375. something they don't want you to see.

376. Something that will blow this case wide open.

377. This is R. Kelly's NAACP Image Award Certificate of Nomination.

378. Hey, man,

379. you got his card?

380. He's good.

381. Did you wash your hands?

382. You think they nominate just anyone

383. for this award?I got one!

384. You know why he wants to put R. Kelly in jail?

385. Why? Because he's

386. afraid of R. Kelly.

387. Oh. Objection!

388. Shhh! Would you be quiet?

389. Shush. I think he's afraid.

390. I think the whole system is afraid of R. Kelly.

391. Your Honor, please!

392. If you don't shut up—

393. They're afraid because they see the power for good

394. that this man wields through his music.

395. Yes, they do.Mm-hm.

396. They don't want R. Kelly to be free

397. because they don't want you to be free!

398. They don't want me to be free!

399. Maybe R. Kelly did urinate on this woman.

400. But America urinated on R. Kelly!

401. Oh!

402. Tell 'em! He got framed!

403. And if you let them put this man in jail,

404. America will urinate on each and every one of you!

405. Assalamu'alaikum.

406. Wa alaikum assalam.

407. Brother.

408. Please, people. You saw the tape.

409. The girl testified she was underage.

410. You— You're not allowed to do that to a little girl!

411. We have a videotape!

412. Go tell that to your white bitch.

413. Mmm-hmm.

414. But the girl was...

415. Prosecution rests.

416. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

417. all that needs to be said is this:

418. Aw, yeah!

419. MAN: Hey!

420. What the hell is wrong with you people?

421. Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela!

422. Yes, the government conspires

423. to put a lot of innocent black men in jail

424. on fallacious charges,

425. but R. Kelly is not one of those men!

426. We all know the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards?

427. What happened to bare minimums?

428. You a fan of R. Kelly?

429. You wanna help R. Kelly?

430. Then get some counseling for R. Kelly!

431. Introduce him to some older women.

432. Hide his camcorder.

433. But don't pretend like the man is a hero!

434. And stop the damn dancin'!

435. Act like you got some goddamn sense, people!

436. Damn!

437. Through playin' around here!

438. Boooooo!

439. Hey, you with the Afro!

440. Give it a rest! Beat it!

441. Put the music back on!

442. I did battle

443. with ignorance today,

444. and ignorance won.

445. I admit that I'm often...

446. vexed at the behavior of my own people.

447. Yeah, "vexed" is a good word.

448. I told you about messin' with them white women.

449. You do what you can

450. to help black folks,

451. and they make you wonder why you even bother.

452. But they're our people,

453. and we gotta love 'em regardless.

454. Break it down!

455. One thing for sure, though.

456. Can't blame this one on the white man.

457. What am I saying?

458. Of course I can.