South Park 5x11

1. Jesus Christ!

2. These lines are ridiculous!

3. I'm gonna miss my flight.

4. Excuse me, there's two other security checkpoints.

5. Why can't you open those, too?

6. Duh, I dunno nothing.

7. But you work for the— God damn it!

8. Snooty Airlines announces the arrival

9. of Flight 239 from Connecticut.

10. That's your cousin's flight, Kyle.

11. Hold the sign up nice and high,

12. so he can find us.

13. What's he look like?

14. He's your age and about your height.

15. I'm stoked my cousin is coming to live with us.

16. It'll be just like having a brother.

17. I thought I were!

18. Oh, there he is, over here, Kyle!

19. Hello, Aunt Sheila.

20. How was your flight?

21. Oh, it was terrible.

22. They recycle the air on board,

23. and it really did a number on my asthma.

24. I asked them to turn up the oxygen

25. and they wouldn't.

26. You remember Uncle Jerry.

27. Hello, Uncle Jerry.

28. And these are your cousins Ike and Kyle.

29. Hey, dude. - Nice to meet you.

30. Let's get down to the baggage claim, Kyle.

31. Okay. - Okay.

32. Ooh, that's right!

33. We've got two Kyles now.

34. We'll just call you Kyle and you can be Kyle... Two.

35. Cool.

36. Next.

37. Oh, I feel like I've run a marathon.

38. Okay, the 2:30 flight to Cheyenne has boarded.

39. Looks like you didn't make it.

40. What? Well, of course I didn't make it!

41. The line to check in was two hours long,

42. and the security line was two hours more!

43. Yeah, no problem, though.

44. We'll get you on the 7:00 a.m. Flight tomorrow morning.

45. I can't go tomorrow. The Jizzfest is tonight!

46. Would you like a window or an aisle seat?

47. This is unbelievable!

48. You know, I seem to remember when the airlines said

49. "we need a $15 billion bailout from the taxpayers."

50. Mm, okay, and have any of your personal items

51. been out of your possession since you left?

52. Well, we gave them the $15 billion,

53. and they fired their employees anyway,

54. so now we have three people to clear 400 passengers!

55. Hey, he's right!

56. Yeah!

57. Okay, and bags have been with you at all times?

58. So where did that money go?

59. I'll tell you where it went!

60. It went right into the pockets

61. of the presidents and CEOs of the airlines

62. so they could keep their multimillion-dollar salaries!

63. Yeah!

64. And here's your boarding pass for tomorrow morning.

65. You think you can treat us however you want

66. because we have to fly!

67. Well, I'll tell you what, Sally Sass-a-Lot.

68. I'm gonna come up with a new mode of transportation,

69. a brand-new vehicle

70. that'll put all you bastards out of business!

71. Yeah!

72. You think I can't do it?

73. I got a master's degree in mechanical engineering

74. at Denver Community College.

75. You watch me!

76. Come on, everybody!

77. Yeah!

78. Can I get on that 7:30 a.m. flight?

79. Here we go, Kyle Two, and here's yours, Kyle.

80. Wh-what is this?

81. Mom's special stew.

82. She makes it every Monday, and I love it.

83. Oh, is this beef?

84. Yeah, dude, it's great.

85. Actually, I-I can't eat beef.

86. I have a degenerative problem with my intestinal lining,

87. and beef really gives me gas.

88. oh, I'm so sorry, Kyle!

89. What else can I fix you?

90. Oh, no, I-I don't want to be a bother.

91. Nonsense!

92. Can't I make you some nice pasta

93. or a frozen fish fillet?

94. Well, some fish would be great

95. if it isn't too much trouble.

96. I'll put it in the microwave right away.

97. Mom? - Yes, Kyle Two?

98. How am I related to him again?

99. He's your cousin, Kyle Two.

100. I told you already.

101. Yeah, but like first cousin or distant cousin?

102. He's my sister's son.

103. That makes him your first cousin.

104. So we have the same blood?

105. Now, Kyle Two, listen to me.

106. Kyle is going through a very tough time in his life.

107. His mother is very sick, and he's in a whole new place.

108. He's going to rely on you

109. to make sure he fits in at your school.

110. What? How the hell am I supposed to do that?

111. I'm sure your friends will love him.

112. What about Cartman, huh?

113. He rips on m e for being Jewish.

114. He's gonna tear this kid apart.

115. Kyle two, he's your responsibility.

116. Oh my god!

117. I'm sure you two will become great friends

118. with lots of late-night pillow talk.

119. What do you mean?

120. What room is he sleeping in?

121. What's this comforter filled with?

122. Oh, it isn't filled with down, is it?

123. I don't know, dude.

124. it sure is quiet up here in the mountains and dry too.

125. Do you have a humidifier?

126. I don't think so.

127. Can you take my stupid glasses

128. and put them on the nightstand?

129. Make sure they're close by

130. because that fish upset my stomach,

131. and I might need them if I have to go

132. to the bathroom later on.

133. Okay.

134. it's got to be simple.

135. Like a moped but with the ability to travel

136. at much faster speeds.

137. If the design of our electrical moped

138. were altered with—

139. No, no, no, no. This won't work either.

140. What was wrong with that plan?

141. It has to be more stable, Mr. Hat.

142. A moped would be too dangerous at those speeds.

143. Damn it!

144. Now, what if the jet power of an aircraft

145. Could be scaled down into a personal vehicle?

146. Boy, that Enrique "In-gleses"

147. Can sure gyrate his hot ass around.

148. Oh, Mr. Hat, will you stop drooling

149. over Enrique "In-gleses" and—

150. Wait a minute. What did you say?

151. I said Enrique "In-gleses" can sure gyrate his hot ass.

152. That's it! Gyration!

153. A gyroscope!

154. It would allow for maximum balance and yet—

155. Mr. Hat, you're a genius!

156. It's so simple and yet genius!

157. Check out his hot bulge too.

158. Hey, dude.

159. What's that thing?

160. Cartman, I need to talk to you.

161. Hello, I'm Kyle's cousin, Kyle.

162. Cartman, I'm gonna make you a deal.

163. What?

164. That kid over there

165. is my cousin from the East Coast.

166. He's having a really hard time right now,

167. so I'm gonna offer you $40 to not to rip on him.

168. 40 bucks?

169. But you can't make fun of him at all.

170. No smartass comments, nothing. - Alright, alright.

171. And you especially can't say anything about Jews.

172. Oh, Jesus, why don't you just cut off my balls?

173. Cartman, no Jew jokes!

174. All you have to do is keep your mouth shut

175. and you've got 40 bucks.

176. Can you do it?

177. I can't believe how cold it is out here.

178. It could be tough, but I'll give it a shot.

179. Alright.

180. It's a real dry cold. That's the problem.

181. The cold air makes me wheeze.

182. Kyle, this is Cartman.

183. He's my sort of friend—ish.

184. Nice to meet you, Cartman.

185. You know, I saw that same jacket you're wearing

186. at Bosco's for $29.95.

187. How much was yours?

188. I'm just wondering if Bosco's is a rip-off.

189. Oh, man. - Cartman.

190. Uh, it's nice to meet you, Kyle.

191. I can certainly tell you're a relative

192. of my good friend Kyle here.

193. What the hell was that?

194. Well, what the hell was that?

195. What the hell was that?

196. I don't know; it was going so fast,

197. I couldn't see it.

198. But I want one.

199. Yeah, me too!

200. We've done it, Mr. Hat.

201. Airline companies be damned.

202. We've invented a whole new mode of transportation.

203. Get some investors on the phone.

204. Well, what are you waiting for?

205. And I know you'll all be very nice to our new student.

206. Kyle, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

207. Oh, well I grew up in the city.

208. I really don't care for it.

209. I come from a Jewish family

210. Which, of course, you already know

211. because Kyle's from the same family.

212. I like to read,

213. and I have these polyps on the backs of my hands.

214. I don't know what they are.

215. Oh, my God, I'm not gonna make it.

216. I'm not gonna make it.

217. Oh, and I hope one day to be an investment banker.

218. Uh... must fight it... need 40 dollars.

219. Okay, why don't you go ahead and take a seat, Kyle?

220. Where should I sit?

221. There's no place to sit down here.

222. Yes, unfortunately, the school seems to be

223. completely out of extra desks,

224. so you'll just have to share with your cousin.

225. What? - Oh, alright, then.

226. Now let's get on with our lesson about the—

227. Are wooden desks all that are available?

228. I usually prefer the plastic ones

229. because these give me splinters.

230. Ugnh-ughn!

231. I'm sorry, Kyle. You'll just have to make do.

232. Now let's get back to the les—

233. Is it cold in here?

234. I realize we're in the mountains,

235. but do we have to freeze to death?

236. Now, Kyle, I need you to be quiet.

237. In my class, you need to be able to concentrate.

238. Concentration is the key to succeeding in my class.

239. Maybe we'll have to send him to concentration camp.

240. Ah! Damn it, damn it, damn it!

241. Cartman!

242. Kindergarten teacher Herbert Garrison

243. has apparently invented a new vehicle

244. which will give the airlines a run for their money.

245. Mr. Garrison is putting the final touches

246. on his top secret device, which he simply calls "It."

247. So what exactly is "It"?

248. Here with a report is a Hispanic man

249. with some gravy stains on his lapel.

250. Thanks, Tom— oh—thanks, Tom.

251. So far, Herbert Garrison hasn't let anyone

252. get a look at his invention.

253. He claims that the vehicle is so genius and revolutionary

254. that it could cause one's eyes to bleed

255. if not properly prepared to see it.

256. But earlier today, HBC news got footage

257. of some of the country's top investors and richest people

258. who have been invited for a first look, including:

259. Steve Forbes,

260. Steve Jobs,

261. Ted Turner,

262. Donald Trump,

263. Bill Gates,

264. and Yasmine Bleeth.

265. Their curiosity is piqued, Tom, and so is ours.

266. What is "It"?

267. What does "It" do?

268. And when will "It" be somewhere where I can buy one?

269. Reporting live, Jeff Arrrrrrando, HBC news.

270. You need to learn to play some sports, Kyle,

271. so we're gonna start with a tough one called

272. "catch the ball."

273. I throw the football to you. You throw it back to me.

274. Oh, but isn't the cold air making the ball really hard?

275. It's gonna hurt my hands.

276. It's fine.

277. Alright, then.

278. H-how do I catch it?

279. it's a football dude.

280. You just put your arms out and catch it.

281. Alright, here we go!

282. Now what? - Now throw it back to me.

283. But it's down in the snow!

284. So dig it out.

285. But I'll get snow on my gloves,

286. and then it will melt, and I'll have wet hands.

287. Well, then we'll dry them off.

288. Alright, then.

289. Oh my God.

290. Kyle, Kyle!

291. I just found out that in World War II,

292. Some Jewish people were sent to concentration camps.

293. Yeah, they were, Cartman.

294. Oh, and see, I didn't realize that,

295. but I understand now how you might've thought

296. what I said in the classroom was a racial slur,

297. but see, I had no idea!

298. You did, too! You are so full of crap.

299. No, I'm seriously.

300. Because I was talking to Craig, and Craig was all like,

301. "Hey, did you know that in World War II,

302. they really had concentration camps?"

303. And I was all like, "no way!"

304. And then this little light went on in my head, like,

305. "aw, man, no wonder Kyle thought what I said in class,

306. see, was directed at his cousin."

307. But-but I was literally talking about a concentration camp,

308. you know, where you go for a week to learn and focus.

309. Oh, man, what a misunderstanding, huh?

310. You blew the deal, Cartman.

311. God damn it, give me another chance!

312. Nuh-uh. I knew you were gonna make fun of my lame cousin

313. so I offered you the 40 bucks not to rip on him.

314. You ripped on him. Deal's off.

315. You did what? - Oh, no.

316. Ha-ha, serves you right, asshole.

317. You-you paid your friends to not make fun of me?

318. Look, it's not because anything's wrong with you.

319. Wow, you think it takes $40 to get people to like me.

320. Kyle, I'm sorry.

321. Because I mean, I really think you could've done it

322. for about $12.50.

323. What?

324. I mean, you didn't just start at $40 did you?

325. You gotta low-ball these things, so you have a place to go.

326. Oh, dude!

327. Boy, it sure is dry out here.

328. Gentlemen, imagine being able to travel safely

329. at incredibly fast speeds

330. and not having to go to the stupid fart-face airports.

331. That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison!

332. It is incredible, Mr. Hat.

333. And what makes it possible is

334. "It's" patented gyroscope design.

335. Gentlemen, I give you... "It."

336. Ooh!

337. Nice! Sleek!

338. "It" gets over 300 miles to the gallon

339. and is safely capable of speeds of over 200 miles per hour.

340. Wow!

341. This will change everything.

342. We're going to have to re-think cities.

343. Now, "It" is easily operated using four flexi-grip handles.

344. Two of them are on each side:

345. left side for throttle, right side for steering.

346. The third flexigrip is gently inserted into the anus

347. to keep the driver in place.

348. Oh.

349. Oh?

350. There we go.

351. Now the final flexigrip is directly in front of the driver

352. so that small switches can be operated with the mouth

353. as such...

354. Put the four together and we're ready to go.

355. Oh my God!

356. Look at it go!

357. But the way it works,

358. do you really think people will go through that to travel?

359. Hey, it still beats what you go through at the airports.

360. True. - Yep.

361. Yeah, that's true. - Yeah.

362. I can't take it anymore, Stan.

363. My cousin's been here for two weeks,

364. and he's driving me insane.

365. I know, dude, every kid in school

366. wants to kick his ass.

367. I spent five years in this town

368. making a good name for Jews and this...

369. This stereotype shows up and wrecks it all!

370. You know what my biggest fear is?

371. That I'll become him.

372. That somehow his mannerisms

373. will start rubbing off on me,

374. and I'll become a stereotype.

375. I mean, I'm a Jew, and he's making m e hate Jews.

376. dude, a self-hating Jew— you are becoming a stereotype!

377. See? - I'm back.

378. Ah! - Later, dude.

379. Tom, the day is finally here.

380. "It" has arrived for retail sale

381. and people are getting their first look at it.

382. Okay, good, just step through here...

383. And then this is your steering,

384. and here's your throttle.

385. Okay...

386. Okay, now you're just gonna feel a little pinch...

387. Arrgh!

388. It's alright. It's just locking you in.

389. Just take it. - Ahh!

390. Doing great, Kathy. How's that ride?

391. Mmph-mm-mhmph!

392. Okay, now use your mouth to operate the turn signals,

393. and you're off.

394. Great, who else wants to give "It" a spin?

395. Oh, man, is that the "It"?

396. Yeah. - How is "It"?

397. Well, it beats dealing with the airline companies.

398. That's for sure.

399. I don't know about this, guys.

400. I think sleds are dangerous.

401. Look, Kyle, sledding is something all kids out here do.

402. You've gotta learn.

403. It seems like I might get splinters, though.

404. Remember, just hold on.

405. No matter how long the sledding run lasts, hold on.

406. Hold on. I see.

407. Oh, Jesus, the sled is going fast!

408. Hang on!

409. I have to watch out for my glasses.

410. Ow, ow, it's so cold. Oh, Jesus!

411. How far do you think it is to Connecticut?

412. It's at least a couple hours.

413. Think he'll be alright? - He's fine.

414. Are you tired of corporate airline companies

415. treating you like a worthless sardine?

416. Tired of ridiculous lines and horrible security at airports?

417. Well, now there's an alternative to airline travel, "It"!

418. "It" has taken the country by storm.

419. And already 2 million have been sold.

420. Never have another important business trip

421. ruined by airline incompetence.

422. Hey, ladies!

423. How did you get to the Grand Canyon?

424. "It" comes in sizes available for the entire family.

425. Here you go, Robbie.

426. Hello, I'm John Travolta.

427. I used to rely on airlines to get me to set,

428. but once I got used to "It,"

429. I found "It" to be a little less painful

430. than dealing with the airline companies.

431. I just power up the flexigrips...

432. and I'm ready to go. Thank you, "It".

433. So, join the millions of Americans

434. who have found a little bit more comfortable way of traveling.

435. Order yours today.

436. And remember our slogan: " 'It's' better than flying."

437. Hmm, that looks pretty gay.

438. Kyle Two, where is Kyle?

439. I don't know, Mom.

440. Last time I saw him, he was sledding.

441. Where on earth could he be?

442. You know, it's possible he just went back to Connecticut.

443. What?

444. I mean, maybe he got so worried about his mom

445. that he found a way to get back and see her.

446. Don't be ridiculous, Kyle Two!

447. He's out playing with his new friends.

448. I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility.

449. I'm back! - Ah!

450. I'm sorry, you must've been worried sick.

451. I got your sled tangled up with a bus.

452. A bus, really?

453. Kyle, what happened to you?

454. I was just sledding, and then the next thing I knew,

455. My sled rope got tangled with a bus.

456. I got dragged for over 100 miles

457. before the bus finally stopped for gas.

458. I'm sorry about your sled, Kyle.

459. Oh, no, don't worry about it, dude.

460. Oh, you poor thing!

461. Come upstairs and we'll get you out of those wet clothes.

462. Are you alright?

463. My ears feel like they're frozen off.

464. And I think I have a hemorrhoid

465. from sitting on the sled for so long...

466. Oh, hi, Jimbo, can I help you?

467. Yeah, I wanted to order that theft alarm for my "It".

468. Oh, right, right, take a seat.

469. That's okay, I'll stand.

470. What do you think, Mr. Marsh?

471. All set to put a down payment on that baby?

472. Well, yeah, but I just had one question

473. about the way it works.

474. Sure!

475. Well, it seems all the buttons

476. on these front and rear flexigrips

477. are also found on the side of the vehicle.

478. Yep.

479. Well, so, they don't really do anything.

480. Right.

481. So then couldn't I just order one that works

482. without going in and out of my ass and mouth?

483. Well, I guess you could.

484. Huh? What's that? What did he say?

485. I don't know about this guys.

486. I think playing hide-and-seek in the airport

487. might be dangerous.

488. Kyle, we told you, kids in Colorado

489. all play hide-and-seek at the airport.

490. Yeah, as soon as we get to the concourse

491. You'll see how fun it is.

492. This is taking too long.

493. The flight to Connecticut is gonna leave.

494. Hey, can we speed things up here?

495. Duh, sorry but ever since that "It" thing came out,

496. the airlines have had to cut back on employees.

497. Dude, we're the only ones here!

498. How long does it take to get five people through security?

499. Duh, let's see...

500. Four people plus, times, divided...

501. Two hours domestic, three hours international.

502. Can't we just play hide-and-seek at home?

503. No. - Aha!

504. What's this? A toenail clipper!

505. Die, terrorist!

506. Oh, Jesus!

507. See, we do these checks for a reason.

508. This is ridiculous. Come on!

509. Okay, Cartman, You're it, start counting.

510. 1, 2, 3...

511. Here, Kyle, you hide in here.

512. In there? But it's very confined.

513. I'll get cramps in my legs.

514. Just get in the box!

515. Alright, then.

516. Oh, would you look at that!

517. I've got a corn on my ankle.

518. Now, where did that one come from?

519. That's the fourth one I've had.

520. These corns are killing me.

521. I hope he doesn't suffocate.

522. He's fine.

523. Yeah, he'll be way better off back home.

524. Oh, Jesus, this box is going fast!

525. Oh, I did it again!

526. Excuse me! What the hell are you doing?

527. It's alright. We're with the government.

528. We're just shutting you down.

529. Shutting me down. Why?

530. The airlines are in desperate trouble.

531. Your vehicle is causing them to lose money.

532. Yeah, well, that was the point, dingleberry.

533. Put that down!

534. Right, so the government

535. is bailing out the airlines out again

536. by shutting you down and making "It"'s illegal.

537. Oh, God damn it! You better be kidding!

538. Sir, many people work for the airlines.

539. We can't let them all be fired.

540. The airline companies are losing money

541. because of their own incompetence

542. and their own inefficiency!

543. That may be true, but if you build, sell,

544. or ride another "It", it will be the last time.

545. Have a nice night!

546. Arrrrgh! Airline motherfuckers!

547. You pieces of shit!

548. Cocksucking sons of bitch airlines!

549. Oh, it's been days. Where can he be?

550. I don't know, ma.

551. It's like he vanished into thin air.

552. I'm going to call the police again.

553. Kyle Two, go down to the playground and look there.

554. I already checked the playground, ma.

555. I told you he isn't really—

556. I'm back. - Ahhh!

557. Kyle, you're back!

558. Yeah, it was the craziest thing.

559. I hid myself on a plane to Antarctica.

560. Oh, it was so dry down there.

561. So, dude, did Cartman's idea work?

562. No, I tried getting my cousin lost in the woods,

563. but a stupid bear brought him home.

564. Damn!

565. Just have to face facts that I'm gonna live with

566. my crappy cousin forever.

567. Well, Kyle, I-I gotta go.

568. What?

569. Yeah, I've gotta get back to Connecticut.

570. Now that things have changed for Kyle,

571. his mother needs him back.

572. Do you promise?

573. I mean, oh, that's too bad, dude.

574. What changed for you?

575. Well, I-I invested in that "It" thing,

576. and there was a bailout,

577. so I received a $5 million bailout clause check,

578. which I can use to help my family.

579. So I-I guess good-bye, Cousin.

580. Okay, see ya, Cousin, hope to see you soon.

581. Not too soon, I hope.

582. Yeah.

583. $5 million?

584. Dude, dude, dude, you have $5 million?

585. Yeah, I don't know what to do with it, though.

586. Well, see ya.

587. Wait, Kyle, this may sound crazy...

588. But I think you should stay.

589. Yeah! - Yeah!

590. Really? - Yeah.

591. You see, I've learned something today.

592. Sometimes people have trouble fitting in at school and, um...

593. Let's see, what did I learn about?

594. What did I learn about that?

595. I learned that you shouldn't judge somebody

596. because that—no, wait...

597. No, that was good. What were you gonna say?

598. Listen, guys, I appreciate you wanting me around,

599. but the fact of the matter is... well,

600. you guys are just kind of douche bags.

601. Wha?

602. I mean, you people are all just such hick, jock rednecks.

603. It's like you're right out of a stereotype catalog.

604. I-I can't take it. See ya!

605. Dude... weak.

606. Good job, Jew!