1. Prostitutes are rough in Amsterdam.Copy !req
2. First one I went with
made me wash my old man in t'sink.Copy !req
3. You took your dad?Copy !req
4. (Men) # Super JohnCopy !req
5. Oh. Oh, I hate match days.
Look at this.Copy !req
6. How far away are they?Copy !req
7. Whoa! Whoa!Copy !req
8. Enough! Enough!Copy !req
9. Get back on the bus!
You're not comin' in!Copy !req
10. - I'm getting married next week!
- You're not comin' in!Copy !req
11. Let him in. It's his stag night.Copy !req
12. - Is it money you want?
- No. Just get back on the bus.Copy !req
13. - What's up with this?
- Can't you read?Copy !req
14. Oi! Tattoo! Get away from there!Copy !req
15. Who are you calling Tattoo,
you long streak of piss!Copy !req
16. I'm calling you Tattoo.Copy !req
17. (Max) Come here,
you little bastard!Copy !req
18. (Man) 'Having your car stolen,
which happened to me, scumbags,Copy !req
19. 'ranks amongst the lowest of the low.Copy !req
20. 'Here's John Lennon
with the latest deterrent.Copy !req
21. - 'What have you got?'
- 'The answer to your dreams.Copy !req
22. 'The Invader 2000.'Copy !req
23. - 'It's a car alarm.'
- 'Well, it is...'Copy !req
24. Mr Dignan?Copy !req
25. - Jerry Dignan?
- Yes, sorry. Sorry, love.Copy !req
26. Mr Dignan, do you know
what's going to happen?Copy !req
27. - Sort of, yeah.
- OK.Copy !req
28. Now, if you'd like
to pull your knees up for me.Copy !req
29. - OK?
- That's lovely, thank you.Copy !req
30. Now, I'm just going to introduce
a camera into your back passage.Copy !req
31. Introduce?Copy !req
32. Look at the state of that.
Filthy. Can you wipe it?Copy !req
33. Yeah.Copy !req
34. She was with him again
last night, Marion.Copy !req
35. - Who?
- Our Mary.Copy !req
36. That Patrick off the door. They
didn't get back till one o'clock.Copy !req
37. And then they was out
on t'front doorstepCopy !req
38. saying night-night till gone two.Copy !req
39. Have you said anything?Copy !req
40. Oh, well, what can you say?
I've prayed for her.Copy !req
41. He's not a bad lad, Paddy.
But he likes his women.Copy !req
42. Well, my Mary's not a woman.Copy !req
43. She hasn't even finished
her A levels yet.Copy !req
44. Come on, let's talk about
summat else, anyway.Copy !req
45. Oh! Uh! Ah!Copy !req
46. - Oh, is it painful?
- Very.Copy !req
47. Oh, don't worry, love,
it won't be long.Copy !req
48. This monitor'll
to take your mind off it.Copy !req
49. Them's your bowels.Copy !req
50. - All right, Paddy?
- You all right?Copy !req
51. - How's it going?
- All right.Copy !req
52. What do you want?Copy !req
53. Your opinion, really.Copy !req
54. - Eh?
- Am I going bald?Copy !req
55. Goin' thin on top?
What's this there?Copy !req
56. Oh, Christ.Copy !req
57. - What are you doing?
- Paddy!Copy !req
58. - Eh?
- Eh, Paddy!Copy !req
59. What's going on here?
What are you doing?Copy !req
60. - How you doing?
- All right?Copy !req
61. - What's going on, man?
- What do you think?Copy !req
62. Throwing your money away!
I didn't know you did takeaways.Copy !req
63. Should be putting it on,
not taking it off.Copy !req
64. Hey-hey!Copy !req
65. (DJ) 'This is Chorley FM,
coming in your ear.'Copy !req
66. I mean, look at Sushi.
He's only 42 and he's coping.Copy !req
67. - Sushi?
- Roy Fish off the estates.Copy !req
68. He had half his stomach out
and a bag on his hip.Copy !req
69. - He still goes jogging.
- Oh, thanks(!)Copy !req
70. Jesus, I'm only trying
to cheer you up, man! You're A1.Copy !req
71. - You're a bloody hypodermic.
- What?Copy !req
72. You're worried
about this and that.Copy !req
73. Put yourself in my shoes.Copy !req
74. Stop stirring your tea, dickhead.Copy !req
75. I had dreams, Jerry.
I wanted Frank Sinatra.Copy !req
76. I wanted Showaddywaddy.Copy !req
77. And what have I got? Robot Wars
and alternative friggin' comedy.Copy !req
78. Oh, no, it's tonight, innit?Copy !req
79. Yes, it's tonight.Copy !req
80. Another one of your dreams
I've been strong-armed into.Copy !req
81. "It'll get in the students in.
They love all that new comedy."Copy !req
82. You know how many tickets we've sold?Copy !req
83. Marion! She's gone.
She's seen the iceberg.Copy !req
84. Well, it's not many,
I can tell you that.Copy !req
85. And what have you called us -Copy !req
86. the finest cabaret lounge
this side of Garstang?Copy !req
87. The Funny Farm.Copy !req
88. The Funny Farm, Jerry.
Yes, the bloody Funny Farm.Copy !req
89. That's where
they'll be carting me off toCopy !req
90. cos Potter is pissing in the wind.Copy !req
91. And Den Perry and the other boys
are laughing at us.Copy !req
92. So don't you go throwing
a sickie tonight.Copy !req
93. Don't you dare. Get on stage
and get your act together.Copy !req
94. I can't because
I've got real problems.Copy !req
95. - If you haven't noticed...
- Oh, shut up!Copy !req
96. Oh, OK. We'll play it that way.Copy !req
97. We'll play it that way, then.
Now I know where I stand.Copy !req
98. Good night and God bless.Copy !req
99. I'll be in me office
shaking off a migraine.Copy !req
100. Sorry, brain tumour.Copy !req
101. You coming to t'club tonight?
They're having Robot Wars.Copy !req
102. At the club?Copy !req
103. Pennine Suite.
You know, like on telly.Copy !req
104. He must be on his arse, Potter.Copy !req
105. Yeah. We've entered a robot.Copy !req
106. - Who?
- Me and The Hills Have Eyes.Copy !req
107. Bollocks! Who's built it?Copy !req
108. - We have.
- You can't even change a plug.Copy !req
109. Oh, I tell you,
it's an all-out assault vehicle.Copy !req
110. - Bollocks!
- You wanna see it.Copy !req
111. Tell him, Patrick.Copy !req
112. - It's a bitch.
- How many gears has it got?Copy !req
113. Plenty. Ever so many.Copy !req
114. Where is it?Copy !req
115. She is in the boot.Copy !req
116. - Bollocks, I've gotta see this.
- Straight up.Copy !req
117. Hey. There she is.Copy !req
118. - You built that?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
119. - Bollocks.
- We're livin' la vida with this.Copy !req
120. - Whoa, hands off.
- It'll take your hands off.Copy !req
121. So they said they'd be in touch.Copy !req
122. All I've got to do is wait.Copy !req
123. - Yeah.
- Play the old waiting game.Copy !req
124. Yeah, yeah.Copy !req
125. - Here you are.
- Hi, Paddy.Copy !req
126. Jerry, you all right?Copy !req
127. Well, I'd better get back inside.Copy !req
128. If any more comedians come,
send them through.Copy !req
129. Will do, Jerry, lad.Copy !req
130. - He's one of the good guys, Jerry.
- He's sound as a pound.Copy !req
131. Is he still shitting blood?Copy !req
132. It's the Funny Farm,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
133. Mirth, merriment and laughter.
join in. Here we go.Copy !req
134. (Man) I was really off my head.Copy !req
135. I didn't get up till three
and I missed four tutorials!Copy !req
136. Is this the Funny Farm?Copy !req
137. Fanny Farm?Copy !req
138. Funny Farm, yeah.
The Funny Farm?Copy !req
139. - Fanny?
- Do you mean the Funny Farm?Copy !req
140. Yes, this is the Funny Farm.
Yes, it is.Copy !req
141. Down there, door on your right.Copy !req
142. Erm, do you take NUS?Copy !req
143. - What?
- Do you take NUS?Copy !req
144. I don't take none of that shit!
My body's a temple!Copy !req
145. Go on, get in.Copy !req
146. Coming in here
with your bloody ha ha ha-shish.Copy !req
147. - It smells funny.
- Look at the wallpaper. Cool!Copy !req
148. I hate students.Copy !req
149. You hate students? That's rich.
You're courting one.Copy !req
150. No, I'm not.Copy !req
151. Whatever.Copy !req
152. Come and sit down, here we go.Copy !req
153. Welcome. I'm Jerry St Clair.Copy !req
154. It's my privilege to welcome youCopy !req
155. to a night of comedy
in an alternative styl-ee.Copy !req
156. Oh, yes. The posse are here.Copy !req
157. Right, listen up,
these are the rules. You get...Copy !req
158. You get five minutes.
Ten, if they're laughing.Copy !req
159. If they're not laughing, you're crap,
you're off.Copy !req
160. - When do we get paid?
- When you make me laugh, mouth!Copy !req
161. You're on first.
Kenny, tell the Saint.Copy !req
162. - Who's the Saint?
- Him trying to sing out there.Copy !req
163. Watch and learn. He's forgotten
more than you lot know.Copy !req
164. No filth, simple as.
No smut. No swearing.Copy !req
165. No racism, right?
No queer or lezzy stuff.Copy !req
166. Don't go there. It's a family club.
The Queen's photo's there.Copy !req
167. As far as you are concerned,
she may as well be here.Copy !req
168. Do I make myself crystal?Copy !req
169. Is it me or do all pensioners
stink of piss?Copy !req
170. My grandmother can't
even remember where the toilet isCopy !req
171. and that's why she stinks of piss!Copy !req
172. Welcome to Robot Wars.Copy !req
173. Tonight is about
the survival of the fittest,Copy !req
174. where the last robot standing
will be the winnerCopy !req
175. and receive a jackpot prize...Copy !req
176. of £63.Copy !req
177. Roboteers... are you ready?Copy !req
178. Yeah, ready!Copy !req
179. 'Ey-up! Here's your latest flame
now, Paddy.Copy !req
180. - Hiya.
- You all right?Copy !req
181. It's Mary's daughter, Mary...Copy !req
182. - Are you all right?
- Yeah, you?Copy !req
183. - Hello, Mary. How are you?
- OK, thanks, and you?Copy !req
184. - Are you going in?
- Yeah.Copy !req
185. Go on. In you go.Copy !req
186. Never mind. Just go on.Copy !req
187. Mary's daughter. Charming kid.Copy !req
188. - Do you want a brew?
- No.Copy !req
189. Are you sure?
I've got a hell of a thirst on me.Copy !req
190. No, no.Copy !req
191. I'm gagging.
Sure you don't want a brew?Copy !req
192. - I've just had a brew!
- I'm going to get a brew.Copy !req
193. Yeah, you go and get a brew, Paddy.Copy !req
194. Must think I'm bloody stupid.Copy !req
195. I tell you, that fella
needs a trip to the dentist.Copy !req
196. And here he is, everybody,
to get this roller ball rolling!Copy !req
197. Welcome our very own Davros.
Mr Brian Potter! Come on!Copy !req
198. (Ray) Welcome to Robot Wars!Copy !req
199. You said there were gonna be 30.Copy !req
200. This is Team Chaos.Copy !req
201. And this is The Cleaner.Copy !req
202. That a...
That a robot, son, is it?Copy !req
203. Actually, the term's automaton.Copy !req
204. The Cleaner's multi-directional,Copy !req
205. it's fitted with a twin whizzer
blades mechanism at the back,Copy !req
206. and it's also got a triphammer
device at the front.Copy !req
207. Have you ever kissed a girl?Copy !req
208. - Are you nervous, son?
- Oh, yeah.Copy !req
209. - Do you work?
- Teacher.Copy !req
210. Good lad. Good lad.Copy !req
211. - Do you?
- I'm on sick at the moment.Copy !req
212. - I've been really ill.
- Nothing serious?Copy !req
213. They don't know.
I'm waiting for test results.Copy !req
214. Playing the old waiting game.Copy !req
215. Still, this alternative comedy,
what do you make of it?Copy !req
216. All a bit weird, aren't they?Copy !req
217. Good night.Copy !req
218. There you go. Well done, son.Copy !req
219. Nick Artistic, eh?
Comedy in a rhyming style, eh?Copy !req
220. Les Alanos liked him anyway.
So just before we crack on,Copy !req
221. I've got an announcement for you.Copy !req
222. Will the owner of the car
with the number plate G653 472Copy !req
223. 17345Copy !req
224. 86 45191 742XCopy !req
225. please move it, cos the number
plate's blocking the fire exit.Copy !req
226. Right, so anyway... Yo, posse.Copy !req
227. Now, here we go with the next act,
ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
228. Will you welcome, all the way
from over there, it's Darius.Copy !req
229. Is this as bad as it gets, Kenny?Copy !req
230. Can we sink any lower than this?Copy !req
231. He taught me metalwork.Copy !req
232. Hey!Copy !req
233. - What?
- Had your brew?Copy !req
234. - Why?
- Come on. We're up next, us.Copy !req
235. - What?
- Robot Wars.Copy !req
236. We're up against
Death By Chocolate.Copy !req
237. We'll shit 'em.Copy !req
238. That's Team Voodoo with
their robot, Death By Chocolate.Copy !req
239. Now, roboteers, their opponents,
Team Double TroubleCopy !req
240. and their robot...Copy !req
241. Ass Kicker!Copy !req
242. So the king said,
"No, you pillock,Copy !req
243. "I said ping-pong balls,
not King Kong's balls."Copy !req
244. You're shit. Get off!Copy !req
245. They spoilt lovely teeth
when they put a mouth in your arse.Copy !req
246. What?Copy !req
247. - Anyway, on with the show...
- He always ceases to amaze me.Copy !req
248. You spend a lifetime...Copy !req
249. waiting for Godot.Copy !req
250. And then three come along at once.Copy !req
251. Tell us a joke we know!Copy !req
252. Good evening! Come on!Copy !req
253. My name's Jeff Bitch.Copy !req
254. You can just call me Bitch.Copy !req
255. That's just the ladies, that is.Copy !req
256. Hee hee. I'm a bitch.Copy !req
257. Come on!
Get your tits out, ladies!Copy !req
258. Kenny, get me Zantac.Copy !req
259. Yay! Hey-hey!Copy !req
260. There you go.
Jeff Bitch. There he goes.Copy !req
261. Let's hear it for our winners.
Ass...Copy !req
262. Ass Kicker! Come on!Copy !req
263. Well, that's just about it
for Robot Wars.Copy !req
264. Thank you and good night.Copy !req
265. - There you go, my friend.
- Cheers.Copy !req
266. Lovely jubbly.Copy !req
267. - Whoa, what's this?
- Your prize money.Copy !req
268. - 20 quid? Where's his?
- It's between you.Copy !req
269. We want more than that!Copy !req
270. I build it, you race it, we agreed.Copy !req
271. We agreed a three-way split.Copy !req
272. Typical gypo.
I bet he were like this on Dodgems.Copy !req
273. I spent weeks building that.
I put all the graft in.Copy !req
274. And I'll put my boot inCopy !req
275. if you don't dip your hand
in your pockets.Copy !req
276. Ladies and gentlemen,
I've had a great night.Copy !req
277. This wasn't it
but I've had a great night.Copy !req
278. Hey, grandad,
your jokes are as old as you.Copy !req
279. - So what are you into?
- Your mother.Copy !req
280. - My mother's dead.
- Did she hear your act?Copy !req
281. Get Max and Paddy.Copy !req
282. I can't believe it, honestly.
It's amazing.Copy !req
283. A hundred million sperm...Copy !req
284. and you were the quickest.Copy !req
285. No justice, is there?Copy !req
286. - At least I'm funny.
- Sorry?Copy !req
287. - I said...
- I heard you. I'm just sorry.Copy !req
288. Save your best till later on
for blowing up your girlfriend.Copy !req
289. - You lot make me sick.Copy !req
290. You think you know it all,
don't you? But you don't.Copy !req
291. When there's a knock,
why do dogs think it's for them?Copy !req
292. What exactly did cured ham have?Copy !req
293. Why did kamikaze pilots wear
crash helmets? I've no idea.Copy !req
294. When they circumcised you,
did they throw away the best bit?Copy !req
295. - It's funny. Can you hear 'em?Copy !req
296. It's not a coincidence.
When I finish talking, they laugh.Copy !req
297. A bloke went to the doctor's
with a steering wheel in his pants.Copy !req
298. Doctor said, "Looks painful."
He said, "It's driving me nuts."Copy !req
299. Beam down. Planet Comedy, son.Copy !req
300. I'm a little teapot, short and stout.Copy !req
301. Here's my handle, here's my...Copy !req
302. - Oh, I'm a sugar bowl.Copy !req
303. I said to the butcher,
"Where's your assistant?"Copy !req
304. He said, "I've sacked him.Copy !req
305. "He kept putting his willy
in the bacon slicer."Copy !req
306. "What about your bacon slicer?"
"I sacked her an' all."Copy !req
307. You're not funny.Copy !req
308. What's your name, son?Copy !req
309. - Any idea?
- Stu.Copy !req
310. Stu?Copy !req
311. Short for stupid?Copy !req
312. Well, Stu, this might come as
quite a surprise to you, but...Copy !req
313. Aaah!Copy !req
314. - Dick! This is a new top!
- New top?Copy !req
315. You look like an extra from Tenko.Copy !req
316. Don't go out on bonfire night.
They'll sling you. You'll be on.Copy !req
317. Hey, hey, hey!
You push him son, you push me!Copy !req
318. And me.Copy !req
319. - And me.
- (Man) And me.Copy !req
320. And me.Copy !req
321. - And us.
- And me.Copy !req
322. Right, you lot, out,
before I knock you out!Copy !req
323. Sling it! Go on! You're not welcome!
All of you, leave!Copy !req
324. - I'm not leaving without a refund.
- Kenny, best make him a bed up.Copy !req
325. I want my money back.Copy !req
326. I wanna moonwalk
but life's a shithouse. Out!Copy !req
327. Leave it, Stu.
Wouldn't come back here anyway.Copy !req
328. Good! You're not welcome!
You're barred!Copy !req
329. - What have we got here?Copy !req
330. This is the one. Bye-bye, boys.Copy !req
331. Wave at him. Wave at him.Copy !req
332. - Come in.Copy !req
333. - Jerry. All right?
- Yeah, not so bad.Copy !req
334. Duggy Hayes
of Hayes and Marshall - the agency.Copy !req
335. Oh, right, Hayes and Marshall.Copy !req
336. I enjoyed what you did.
You handled the situation well.Copy !req
337. You wanna be in on Saturday -
cabaret night.Copy !req
338. No, I don't.
I like what I've seen already.Copy !req
339. That's very kind of you, sir.Copy !req
340. Look, erm, we do cruises.
We do the Caribbean, Mediterranean.Copy !req
341. Or to Rotterdam.Copy !req
342. Not bothered about
getting your feet wet, are you?Copy !req
343. No, Duggy.Copy !req
344. - Give me a bell.
- Thanks, I will, Duggy.Copy !req
345. - See you later.
- Might just do that.Copy !req
346. I used to be able to do that.Copy !req
347. I did, Lesley.Copy !req
348. Olé! Oh!Copy !req
349. Olé!Copy !req
350. You what?Copy !req
351. I think I'll book these.Copy !req
352. - Oh! See that?
- You're booked!Copy !req