1. Hello. Happy Christmas.Copy !req
2. - Can I come in yet, Mark?
- Yes, you can come in yet.Copy !req
3. There... um... there wasn't
anything at the end of my bed
when I woke up.Copy !req
4. - It's in here.
- Oh, brilliant. And you saw?Copy !req
5. Yes, yes, you woke me at 5.30
when you came in.Copy !req
6. I've been trying to get
to sleep since 6Copy !req
7. by reading about Wilson's
trade union reforms, but...Copy !req
8. Marr is so damn readable.Copy !req
9. Shit. Sorry, dude. Ooh!Copy !req
10. Slim but promising, Mark!
Slim but promising!Copy !req
11. Jez, what are you...?Copy !req
12. We're going to open them
in bed, aren't we?Copy !req
13. - What if our feet touch?
- If our feet touch, we fuck,
obviously.Copy !req
14. Come on! Dive in!
Let the festivities begin!Copy !req
15. Wow! Jez, this is lovely.Copy !req
16. Cognac. Wow.
That's my favorite.Copy !req
17. I know. Ooh,
smells interesting!Copy !req
18. It looks like fire-lighters,
but what is it?Copy !req
19. Fire-lighters.Copy !req
20. In case we get a barbecue?Copy !req
21. Outside, on the... bit.Copy !req
22. Oh...Copy !req
23. Right.Copy !req
24. - Roy Adkins on Trafalgar?
- I heard you talking
about it!Copy !req
25. That's just tremendously
thoughtful, Jeremy.Copy !req
26. - What are these?
- Kitchen tongs. We need them.Copy !req
27. You bought yourself
some kitchen tongs?Copy !req
28. Oh, and yes, I remember
you getting this ScotRail
sleeping maskCopy !req
29. when you went on ScotRail
overnight to Aberdeen.Copy !req
30. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.Copy !req
31. You know, in my family
we do sort of jokey
stockings.Copy !req
32. Right. In mine
we sort of try quite hard.Copy !req
33. He's trying to strangle
my Christmas with Sellotape.Copy !req
34. I might save the rest.Copy !req
35. It's not fair. That's just
aggressive generosity
designed to make me feel bad.Copy !req
36. Sorry, this is my first
Christmas without Mum...Copy !req
37. Cos she's sailing round
the Med with Mr. Potato Head.
Yes, I know, Jez.Copy !req
38. Oh, wow, so you got it in,
in the end?Copy !req
39. It's quite a specimen.Copy !req
40. Mm-hm. Quite a specimen.Copy !req
41. I thought about trimming
the top off but it felt like
I was castrating Christmas.Copy !req
42. - You know, chopping
Santa's bollocks off.
- Sure.Copy !req
43. You're not going to cry,
are you?Copy !req
44. I'm fine.
It's just, even though
I'm looking at the tree,Copy !req
45. I'm just not...
I'm not getting it yet.Copy !req
46. - Horny?
- Christmassy, Mark.Copy !req
47. I'm not getting
the Christmassy feeling.Copy !req
48. Let's crank up Classic FM.
Let's get our Christmas on!Copy !req
49. Now, Sarah, if I scrape
together the shortbread
from Aberdeen '09Copy !req
50. and this unread
SuperFreakonomics,Copy !req
51. we can pretend I thought
she'd like, even though
she'll hate it,Copy !req
52. then that's an acceptable
bundle.Copy !req
53. Nice to have your family here
for Christmas.Copy !req
54. Not really. But the point is,
I'm in charge!Copy !req
55. I've launched
the Christmas putsch.Copy !req
56. I carve the turkey,
I decide what veg we have.
No cauliflower.Copy !req
57. No-one else has it,
it's not a tradition.Copy !req
58. - Christmas is coming home!
Ding Dong Merrily on Mark!
- Exactly.Copy !req
59. Right, we need to get the
oven on for lunch at one.Copy !req
60. Yeah, right!
Lunch is at three.Copy !req
61. - You do presents first.
- No, Jez. Presents after.Copy !req
62. Then charades. Then the lull,
the Low Countries,
then the row,Copy !req
63. the cold cuts, then, bang!
Into a blockbuster to see you
home!Copy !req
64. - That's not my Christmas
because...
- That's what we're doing.Copy !req
65. Don't let him spoil it.
Don't let him rile me.Copy !req
66. Not today. Not on Christmas!Copy !req
67. - Where's the turkey, Jeremy?
- What?Copy !req
68. - Where's the turkey?
- I thought you were getting
it.Copy !req
69. You what?Copy !req
70. No turkey?
You fucking idiot, Jeremy!Copy !req
71. You total fucking idiot!Copy !req
72. That was your job,
you fucking moron! You cretin!Copy !req
73. You're a fuckhead! That's
what you are! A fucking
shithead!Copy !req
74. It was a joke, Mark.Copy !req
75. I was joking.Copy !req
76. It was a Christmas joke.Copy !req
77. Oh, I see. Oh.Copy !req
78. Of course I've got a turkey.
It's an organic turkey.Copy !req
79. I took ages researching it
online. It's going to be
delicious.Copy !req
80. That looks like
a lovely turkey.Copy !req
81. I'm sorry. I...
flew off the handle a bit.Copy !req
82. That wasn't very Christmassy.Copy !req
83. No, it wasn't. I apologize.Copy !req
84. Wow, she's really sweaty. A
lovely, sweaty Christmas gift.Copy !req
85. I shouldn't hang around too
long. I've got to get ready
for a day out with the folks.Copy !req
86. Stomach pump for Mum.
Taser to demobilize Dad.
Families!Copy !req
87. God, yeah! The year Dad's
British Aerospace shares
went kaput,Copy !req
88. he said we couldn't afford
an M&S Christmas pudding,Copy !req
89. but Mum bought a secret one
and steamed it in the garage.Copy !req
90. We would've got away with it,
but he smelled it
on Sarah's breathCopy !req
91. and wouldn't talk to us
till Boxing Day.Copy !req
92. God. Dads!Copy !req
93. Huh! Yeah. Right.Copy !req
94. So... Happy Christmas!Copy !req
95. Oh, wow...Copy !req
96. Thanks.Copy !req
97. Happy Christmas.Copy !req
98. It's just a little thing.
I did get you another thingCopy !req
99. but the stupid thing
didn't arrive in time.Copy !req
100. - Oh. Right.
- It is gold.Copy !req
101. Oh! Well, that sounds nice.Copy !req
102. Can't go wrong with
precious metals,Copy !req
103. cos when civilization
collapses,Copy !req
104. I can use it to barter my way
out of sexual assaults!Copy !req
105. Ha! Exactly!Copy !req
106. Probably take the gold,
then shoot her.Copy !req
107. Oh, right, yeah.Copy !req
108. FlashForward box set.Copy !req
109. It's meant to be amazing.
Shall we do it this week?Copy !req
110. Sure, it's just...Copy !req
111. we watched all the Losts
and they were... somewhat OK.Copy !req
112. And Hero had
some interesting themes,Copy !req
113. but also quite a lot of
not so interesting themes.Copy !req
114. And Prison Break - by the end
I very much felt that I wanted
to break out of the prisonCopy !req
115. that Prison Break
had become for us...Copy !req
116. and it's just... don't you
think, maybe we should...
go out?Copy !req
117. Where to?Copy !req
118. To... not the theatre,
obviously.Copy !req
119. But...
the National Army Museum?Copy !req
120. You'd rather go to the
National Army Museum
than stay in bedCopy !req
121. and watch FlashForward and
drink brandy? Are you
bonkers?Copy !req
122. Dobby, where do you see
yourself in five years?Copy !req
123. I mean, for example, would
you want to learn sailing at
all? Or golf?Copy !req
124. I wouldn't mind getting
a strap-on and you and meCopy !req
125. spit-roasting Cameron
for the Boden catalogue.Copy !req
126. Is that the sort of thing
you have in mind?Copy !req
127. She is great.
But where does it end?Copy !req
128. With us sailing the
Caribbean, checking our
pension pot online?Copy !req
129. Or much more likely,
trying to scrape a living
on pub quiz machinesCopy !req
130. from our vast knowledge
of popular culture
and bar snacks.Copy !req
131. - Oh, man!
- What?Copy !req
132. My sister's car's broken
down.Copy !req
133. She got to my Mum and Dad
in Lancaster,Copy !req
134. - but they're stuck at
Charnock Richard.
- Oh, shit.Copy !req
135. I won't go to the Dorchester
to eat Christmas lunch alone
like a millionaire madwoman.Copy !req
136. Should invite her
to stay here...Copy !req
137. And I've missed the moment.
Right there. Missed it.Copy !req
138. I'm already going to have
a nervous breakdownCopy !req
139. with my family and Tiny Tim
Jeremy and the turkey.Copy !req
140. Why add a dangerous
unstable chemical into the
mix?Copy !req
141. - Kitchen tongs?
- Oh, yeah! Two for one.Copy !req
142. Right, well...Copy !req
143. Listen, I guess I should
saddle up and ride back
to my place.Copy !req
144. If I can just get through
the next seconds ignoring the
mounting social pressure.Copy !req
145. I'll see if Mr. Patel has
any turkeys, which, obviously,
he definitely won't.Copy !req
146. Pressure building
to intolerable levels!Copy !req
147. - Dobby.
- Yeah?Copy !req
148. I assume you're staying
for lunch?Copy !req
149. Right... you didn't say.Copy !req
150. Because I thought
it was assumed.Copy !req
151. All right, well, thanks.Copy !req
152. - I'll just jump
in the shower.
- Jump away!Copy !req
153. Could lock her
in the bathroom...Copy !req
154. Shit, no lock on the
outside.Copy !req
155. - You are putting little
crosses in the bottoms?
- Yeah, course.Copy !req
156. Don't think I'll be
bothering with that!
Happy Christmas to me.Copy !req
157. Now, obviously,
this is a fucking disaster,Copy !req
158. but Dobby's staying.
For Christmas.Copy !req
159. - The more the merrier.
- Exactly. The more
the merrier, as they saidCopy !req
160. as another poor soul
was crammed into
the Black Hole of Calcutta.Copy !req
161. Jeremy, where are
the potatoes?Copy !req
162. - No idea, dude. Not my area.
- But you were on
turkey and veg.Copy !req
163. - Potatoes aren't veg.
- Er... yes, they are.Copy !req
164. N... Are they? I mean, they
kind of are, but not really.Copy !req
165. - What else are they?
- Are you sure potatoes
aren't veg?Copy !req
166. Aren't they... not earth,
but... like salt?Copy !req
167. I mean, tomatoes are fruit
and potatoes are... bread? No.Copy !req
168. I mean, they're wheaty.Copy !req
169. They don't go in the drawer
in the fridge, so... yeah?Copy !req
170. Obviously,
potatoes are vegetables.Copy !req
171. Maybe you're right, but
they're not exactly cabbage,
are they?Copy !req
172. - They're brown. They're
nice.
- Oh, for fuck's sake!Copy !req
173. There must be potatoes.
There's always potatoes.Copy !req
174. Yes. We do have potatoes.
Two potatoes.Copy !req
175. Two? Oh, that's not enough.Copy !req
176. I love potatoes.
They're the best bit!Copy !req
177. You say everything's the
best bit - croissants, cava,Copy !req
178. smoked salmon, pineapple
rings, having the heating on
incredibly high.Copy !req
179. Everything all right?Copy !req
180. Everything's absolutely
perfect, apart from the factCopy !req
181. that Jeremy has forgotten
to buy any potatoes.Copy !req
182. I've got potatoes at mine.Copy !req
183. - Plus for your parents,
I should get changed.
- Oh, no need.Copy !req
184. Yes. A nice, standard issue
British woman's dress.Copy !req
185. - Welcome back.
You look great.
- Thanks.Copy !req
186. Jeans. For Christmas.Copy !req
187. At least it's not hot pants
and her ironic iPood T-shirt.Copy !req
188. That's mad, Mum! Christmas
in Malta? 30 degrees!Copy !req
189. Have you had your turkey yet?
What do you mean,
you're not having turkey?Copy !req
190. Well, you could make it
on the boat if you...Copy !req
191. Oh, OK. Yeah.Copy !req
192. All right. Bye.
Happy Christmas!Copy !req
193. They're having salade nicoise
for Christmas.Copy !req
194. Salade nicoise.
That's not turkey.Copy !req
195. It's not even chicken.Copy !req
196. I'm going to have
a massive drink.Copy !req
197. Don't break down on
Christmas!Copy !req
198. Break down on Boxing Day,
once the washing-up's done.Copy !req
199. I'm excited to meet
your parents, Mark.Copy !req
200. After all you've told me,
it's like they're famous.Copy !req
201. It's like I'm gonna meet
the head of IBM and Catwoman
or something.Copy !req
202. Uh-huh.Copy !req
203. Incredibly wasteful
peeling technique,
but now is not the time.Copy !req
204. So, listen, Dobby.
There's something
I wanted to tell you.Copy !req
205. I haven't actually happened
to mention to my parents
or my sisterCopy !req
206. that I'm engaged...
in a relationship.Copy !req
207. But it's been, like,
over a month.Copy !req
208. Yeah, but it's not like
I tell them every tiny detail
of my life.Copy !req
209. And I was just
wondering whether today,
with all the madness...Copy !req
210. - What madness?
- Everything.Copy !req
211. - The carrots.
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
212. ..I just wonder whether
we shouldn't...Copy !req
213. Wouldn't it be simpler
just to not tell them that
we're going out?Copy !req
214. Right...Copy !req
215. - We're still early days...
- Uh-huh.Copy !req
216. Not like that,Copy !req
217. but it's been such a headache
getting them here
in the first placeCopy !req
218. and I don't want to feed them
another shit sandwich.Copy !req
219. Another shit sandwich?Copy !req
220. Not you!
The whole... situation.Copy !req
221. So I'm going to be your
female friend? Your fan?Copy !req
222. Oh, God, what am I going to
do next? Set fire to the
tree?Copy !req
223. Maybe we should have
salade nicoise.Copy !req
224. Why the fuck not?
Who even cares?Copy !req
225. OK. Enemy contact. This is
it. Action stations,
everyone.Copy !req
226. - Happy Christmas,
one and all!
- Hello!Copy !req
227. I'm shattered. Can I have
a glass of champagne?Copy !req
228. Of course.
Cava's through there.Copy !req
229. Cava? Oh.Copy !req
230. Five seconds before
the first disappointment.
Got that in early.Copy !req
231. - Happy Christmas, darling.
- Happy Christmas, Mark. Yup.Copy !req
232. You know Jeremy, obviously.Copy !req
233. - Happy Christmas, Corrigans!
- Ah!Copy !req
234. And this is our... friend.Copy !req
235. - Hello.
- I'm Dobby.Copy !req
236. We... know each other.Copy !req
237. As you do.Copy !req
238. It's fine. Luckily we're
all English, so no-one's
going to ask any questions.Copy !req
239. Thank you, centuries of
emotional repression.Copy !req
240. - Hello, Jeremy.
- Hello, Sarah.
Happy Christmas.Copy !req
241. It could be.Copy !req
242. If you play your cards right.Copy !req
243. Urgh. Not Sarah... not again.Copy !req
244. Ding Dong Merrily on my
dong, the Christmas elves
are weeping.Copy !req
245. Long time no see, Mrs. C.
How are you doing?Copy !req
246. - What have you been up to?
- I've finished another play.Copy !req
247. - Oh, wow. Another one, Mum?
- Yes. Another one.Copy !req
248. Wow. You're a playwright?
Brilliant. What's it about?Copy !req
249. It's about this group of
young people who are
very sexually repressed,Copy !req
250. but they become less and less
repressed due to the
influenceCopy !req
251. of this wise, twinkly,
old Jamaican woman,Copy !req
252. who leads them through
a series of experiences.Copy !req
253. You've got to have a Jamaican
if you're going to chase
the funding.Copy !req
254. 'Ealth and safety, innit?Copy !req
255. Shall we... shall we pull
a cracker?Copy !req
256. We can't do the crackers
until we sit at the table!Copy !req
257. Crackers once you sit,
that's the rule!Copy !req
258. OK. Sorry. OK, Jeremy.Copy !req
259. I'm fine, it's just...
I'm trying to feel
Christmassy and...Copy !req
260. Oh, for fudge's sake!Copy !req
261. It's OK, Dad,
the carpet's seen worse.Copy !req
262. You Jezzed the cava
just like you Jezzed
the directions, Dad!Copy !req
263. Erm, Jezzed?Copy !req
264. We got it from Mark,
didn't we, Mark?Copy !req
265. Oh, right. So...Copy !req
266. - It's when you...?
- When you get something
wrong. He Jezzed it.Copy !req
267. Total balls-up,
a real Jezzing!Copy !req
268. Right. Yeah.
Yeah, that is funny.Copy !req
269. - A bit like being famous.Copy !req
270. I'll see who that is.
Let's hope I don't Jez itCopy !req
271. or do a big Mark in my pants.Copy !req
272. - Happy Christmas,
motherfucker.
- Hans!Copy !req
273. Have a guess
what Santa's got in his sack.Copy !req
274. Answer - a wicked big bag
of sinister minister.Copy !req
275. - Oh... Happy Christmas.
- Hans?Copy !req
276. - Merry Christmas, Mark.
- Jeremy...Copy !req
277. - I'm not going to.
- Well, don't.Copy !req
278. Super Hans! Merry Christmas!
Glass of cava?Copy !req
279. Don't mind if I do.
Mind out, boys,Copy !req
280. Father Spliffmas
coming through.Copy !req
281. Great. Methadone
in the mulled wine.Copy !req
282. - What?
- It's your fault.Copy !req
283. No, it's not.
I was holding the line.Copy !req
284. Yes, but you know him.
You shouldn't know him.Copy !req
285. Well, I'm sorry,
but I do know him.Copy !req
286. Oh. Merry migraine and
a happy new stomach ulcer.Copy !req
287. So, what sort of line of
business are you in,
Super Hans?Copy !req
288. At the moment, I take out
fireplaces and so on
from empty houses.Copy !req
289. - Architectural salvage.
- Yeah.Copy !req
290. Do you sell to trade
or wholesale?Copy !req
291. I sell them in pubs and that.Copy !req
292. He's training to be
an architect.Copy !req
293. No, I'm not.Copy !req
294. - And what do you do, Dobby?
- IT grunt.Copy !req
295. - And do you have a
boyfriend?
- Kind of.Copy !req
296. I like him, but sometimes
he can be a bit of a jerk
and so on.Copy !req
297. Oh.Copy !req
298. He seems cool, but really,Copy !req
299. he can be kind of cowardly
and mean and do things
that humiliate me.Copy !req
300. - And then I think,
'Why don't you just...'
- Don't say, 'Fuck off.'Copy !req
301. '.. Fuck off.' You know?Copy !req
302. 'Just fuck off.'Copy !req
303. Oh, this is horrible.Copy !req
304. She's found a way of telling
me her true feelings. Sneaky.Copy !req
305. Happy Christmas, darling.Copy !req
306. Here we go.
It's just a silly one.Copy !req
307. Oh, socks! Nice. Thanks, Mum.Copy !req
308. And they've got a funny...Copy !req
309. Oh. OK.Copy !req
310. They're a bit saucy!Copy !req
311. My mother is giving me socks
depicting a sexual position
I've never even attempted.Copy !req
312. How little she knows me.Copy !req
313. Oi, Mrs. C, answer me this...Copy !req
314. Have you ever had a parrot?Copy !req
315. Er, no.Copy !req
316. It's just you look like
you might enjoy a cock-a-too.Copy !req
317. Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.Copy !req
318. This is the spirit of
Christmas.Copy !req
319. Super Hans bonking Mum doggy
style in the airing cupboard.Copy !req
320. Here you go, Marko.
Merry Christmas.Copy !req
321. Wow. This is big, Dad,
and heavy.Copy !req
322. Oh, right, I... I see. Yeah.Copy !req
323. Great.Copy !req
324. Yeah, this is...
this is brilliant.Copy !req
325. What is it?Copy !req
326. It's... it's a shredder.Copy !req
327. It's my dad's old shredder.Copy !req
328. But you've already got
a shredder.Copy !req
329. Why are you looking at me
like that?Copy !req
330. - Like what?
- Like you're trying to fry my
brain with your laser vision.Copy !req
331. - Please shut up.
- So... wow.Copy !req
332. Sarah got the cashmere jumper
and the spa breakCopy !req
333. and Mark got the
second-hand shredder.
What did he do wrong?Copy !req
334. Why did she have to say?
I'm going out with a sayer.Copy !req
335. The sayers say they can't
help saying, but they can!Copy !req
336. Apparently, if it was new,
which it nearly is,Copy !req
337. it would be roughly
the same cash value.Copy !req
338. This is nice. I might bite
my tongue off to relieve
the tension.Copy !req
339. Give us something
to talk about.Copy !req
340. How's the cauliflower doing?Copy !req
341. It's just resting in the
shop, Dad,Copy !req
342. due to the fact
that cauliflower
is not traditional.Copy !req
343. Didn't give him a chance
to respond. Nice.Copy !req
344. I should try leaving the room
immediately after I say anything
to him. Much easier.Copy !req
345. - Jez, how's the...?
- I don't want
to talk about it.Copy !req
346. Christmas is not ruined.Copy !req
347. It's OK, Jez.Copy !req
348. A great deal of it is cooked.Copy !req
349. Huge areas are cooked
through.Copy !req
350. Fashionably rare?Copy !req
351. Film. Three words.Copy !req
352. Chariots Of Fire. Next.Copy !req
353. Why always Chariots Of
Fire, Mum?Copy !req
354. It's the only one
I could think of.
I don't even like it. I know.Copy !req
355. Emmanuelle.Copy !req
356. - Mum, really?
- It's fun!Copy !req
357. Oh, God! This is horrible.
And the terrible thing isCopy !req
358. this is the high point
of the day.Copy !req
359. This is us allegedly
having a great time.Copy !req
360. Film. One word.Copy !req
361. Bruno.Copy !req
362. Milk.Copy !req
363. Brokeback Mountain.Copy !req
364. Emmanuelle.Copy !req
365. Oh, the indignity
of the public hip thrust.Copy !req
366. Jez, over here. I've got one
for you.Copy !req
367. Here's one...
Thus Spake Zarathustra.Copy !req
368. Excuse me?Copy !req
369. It's a book by Nietzsche.Copy !req
370. Oh, great. Fucking thanks,
Dan(!)Copy !req
371. Thus? No. Spake? No.
Zarathustra? Nope.Copy !req
372. - Chicken Run.
- Correct.Copy !req
373. - But...
- Fuck you, Dan.Copy !req
374. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you said Chicken Run.Copy !req
375. I guess it is time to move
to cross-cut.Copy !req
376. My old strip-cut was probably
a security risk, to be honest.Copy !req
377. That's a real one,
not a nancy-boy shredder.Copy !req
378. The office equipment
homophobe...Copy !req
379. Happy Christmas, one and all!Copy !req
380. Oh!Copy !req
381. Not so fast, old man.
It's my time to carve.Copy !req
382. The knife has been passed
down the generations.Copy !req
383. Er, Jeremy, the, um...Copy !req
384. the turkey's
not... entirely... cooked.Copy !req
385. No. Carve off the bits that
are cooked and leave the rest.Copy !req
386. That's what carving's
for, isn't it?Copy !req
387. And then we'll put the carcass
under the grill.Copy !req
388. - What's wrong with my knife?
- Is that hot knives?Copy !req
389. - What's a hot knife?
- Nothing.Copy !req
390. Does look like it's been
hot-knifed.Copy !req
391. Sorry about that.
There you go.Copy !req
392. It's when you get a blim
of hash and get it between
two really hot knivesCopy !req
393. and then honk it up through
a bottle or something.Copy !req
394. I think.Copy !req
395. Ha-ha. Next up, we'll be
learning how to inject heroin
into our armpits!Copy !req
396. Oh, God. Foot in the crotch.
This isn't very Nat King
Cole.Copy !req
397. But of course I'm getting a
hard-on anyway, like the horny
Christmas elf I am.Copy !req
398. How pathetic.Copy !req
399. It's nice. I think Pam
and I'll take a break
till after lunch, Hans.Copy !req
400. - Isn't that right, darling?
- If you say so.Copy !req
401. - Have these sprouts
been done properly?
- Yes.Copy !req
402. I can't see any little
crosses in their bottoms.Copy !req
403. - They're definitely there.
- Yep.Copy !req
404. Definitely not. Truth and
reconciliation commission
after this.Copy !req
405. Full inquiry.
Saville, not Hutton.Copy !req
406. Well, that piece was
definitely cooked.Copy !req
407. - Delicious, Jeremy.
- Thank you, Pam.Copy !req
408. Maybe it's going to be OK.Copy !req
409. Mmm! Mmm!Copy !req
410. This gravy is tickety-boo.Copy !req
411. Maybe a bit too thick
for your mother.Copy !req
412. She likes her liquids
highly diluted.Copy !req
413. Nope. We're fucked.Copy !req
414. - Oh, for God's sake, Dad.
- What?Copy !req
415. Mum wanted to be a homeopath,
but according to Dad,
the family couldn't afford it.Copy !req
416. It's not normal, but we could
put the TV on while we eat...Copy !req
417. We couldn't afford for her to
become a magic water wizard,
I'm sorry.Copy !req
418. It was just a fad.Copy !req
419. It was a great deal more
than a fad.Copy !req
420. Mm! Yum! Jeremy may have let
us down a bit with the turkeyCopy !req
421. but he's redeemed himself
with this delicious
bread sauce.Copy !req
422. You had enough to buy
a sports car.Copy !req
423. Carl was gonna sell that MG
for scrap.Copy !req
424. Don't bring the MG into it.
You don't know what
you're talking about.Copy !req
425. Ratatouille is on in a
minute. It's meant to be
amazing.Copy !req
426. Fair play, it is fucking
good.Copy !req
427. Second-hand MG?
Got to be a couple of grand.Copy !req
428. It was a good deal
on a good car, missy.Copy !req
429. So, Dobby, have you had
any good Christmas presents
this year?Copy !req
430. Well, my boyfriend bought me
some kitchen tongs...Copy !req
431. Two for one. Nice work,
Uncle Scrooge.Copy !req
432. That wasn't the only present
he got you, was it?Copy !req
433. Oh, yeah, he bought me
something else, gold,
but it's in the post.Copy !req
434. Oh, dear.Copy !req
435. Look, I'm sure Dobby's
boyfriend could have strolled
into an ArgosCopy !req
436. and got a bog-standard
bracelet from
a spotty Saturday girl,Copy !req
437. but maybe he wanted to get
something special.Copy !req
438. Something with an inscription
that would make it
extra special,Copy !req
439. but also would unexpectedly
delay delivery.Copy !req
440. That's just one of a number
of possibilities, right,Copy !req
441. so shall we all just
lay off him?Copy !req
442. Hello.Copy !req
443. Touched a nerve?Copy !req
444. Something's afoot.Copy !req
445. Shall I see if I can winkle
it out with my winkle-pickers?Copy !req
446. Fuck you, Poirot.Copy !req
447. - Look,
I'm the bracelet bastard.
- Oh!Copy !req
448. Dobby's my girlfriend.
All right?Copy !req
449. Sorry I didn't mention it
before, but we're an item
and she's greatCopy !req
450. and it's going really well,
and she may appear to you
'norms'Copy !req
451. like a bit of a freak,
but I don't care.Copy !req
452. He shoots, he scores, he
calls his team-mate a freak.Copy !req
453. Right.Copy !req
454. Now, where's the cauliflower?Copy !req
455. Cauliflower is
not traditional.Copy !req
456. Cauliflower is traditional!Copy !req
457. I don't know if it really is
traditional, actually.Copy !req
458. Could you not slip a muzzle
on your woman, please, Mark?Copy !req
459. I notice I'm not saying
anything.Copy !req
460. Ahhhh...Copy !req
461. Still not saying anything.Copy !req
462. Nothing coming.Copy !req
463. You'll have to excuse me.
Thank you.
This has all been horrible.Copy !req
464. How about Pictionary
after lunch?Copy !req
465. We're not playing
bleeding Pictionary.
It's a made-up game.Copy !req
466. - Dobs...
- I'm going.Copy !req
467. I'm going to fuck off to
the Dorchester.
Want to come or not?Copy !req
468. I'm sorry. I can't.
They're my parents.Copy !req
469. Look, stay. I'll grow
some balls later, OK?
And a backbone.Copy !req
470. We can have backbone
and ball stew all Boxing Day.Copy !req
471. You can't just leave. What...
What am I going to tell them?Copy !req
472. Tell them I got sectioned
or had some violent
masturbating to do.Copy !req
473. Probably believe it.Copy !req
474. What do you say,
Jeremy? Shall we do it?Copy !req
475. It'd be so naughty.Copy !req
476. They'll be next door having
turkey and we'll be there,
quietly humping.Copy !req
477. But, Sarah, it's Christmas.Copy !req
478. So? What, are you religious
now, or something?Copy !req
479. Do you believe in Jesus?Copy !req
480. No, course I don't believe in
Jesus, but I do believe in
Christmas.Copy !req
481. I'm a Christmasist.Copy !req
482. Wow, I did it! I resisted
something for something else.Copy !req
483. That was... something.Copy !req
484. Guess what! I was just
offered sex and I turned it
down!Copy !req
485. - Oh, well, congratulations.
- I did it for
Father Christmas.Copy !req
486. Look at him. He probably
thinks Father Christmas died
for our sins.Copy !req
487. We heard the door.
What happened?Copy !req
488. Dobby's... gone.Copy !req
489. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
You can do a lot better than
that, Marko.Copy !req
490. Well, no, actually, because
she's great and thanks to you
I'm a dick,Copy !req
491. so I was punching well above
my weight.Copy !req
492. Pass me some of that ham,
will you?Copy !req
493. I think it's the only meat on
the table unlikely to kill me.Copy !req
494. Allow me.Copy !req
495. You want ham?
Well, you're going to get ham.Copy !req
496. See how you like this ham.Copy !req
497. What the hell do you think
you're doing?Copy !req
498. You like your ham shredded.Copy !req
499. Mark! Think what it's doing
to the mechanism.Copy !req
500. It's fine, Dad.Copy !req
501. Somebody stop him,
he's gone totally mad.Copy !req
502. Hello, Christmas movie.Copy !req
503. Right, very well.Copy !req
504. I'm making myself
some cauliflower.Copy !req
505. Uh-oh. Is Daddy coming
to get me?Copy !req
506. No, I've won!
It's festive Festen!Copy !req
507. Hakuna Matata!
I'm the new Lion King!Copy !req
508. Right, Hans, pour my mother
a massive drink.Copy !req
509. Jeremy, turn on Ratatouille.Copy !req
510. Sarah, crack open
the Pictionary.Copy !req
511. Merry ChristMark, everyone!Copy !req