1. Chipsticks or Frazzles.Copy !req
2. Chipsticks or Frazzles.Copy !req
3. Chipsticks or Frazzles?Copy !req
4. - Shall I go on?Copy !req
5. God, it's like a Stasi
torture block.Copy !req
6. 'The fetal head then passes
below the pubic arch.Copy !req
7. At this point, the woman may
feel a burning or stinging
sensation.'Copy !req
8. The phrase 'No shit,
Sherlock' comes to mind.Copy !req
9. How much more do you want?
What's an episiotomy?Copy !req
10. - You don't wanna know, mate.
- Why?Copy !req
11. Well, you know between your
bum and your genitals, that
area?Copy !req
12. It's one of my favorite
areas.Copy !req
13. Imagine someone snipping it
with scissors.Copy !req
14. Oh, my fucking life!Copy !req
15. Yeah. Either that, or you can
have it pull apart like wet
tissue paper.Copy !req
16. Sophie's mum. Hello?Copy !req
17. So glad I'm not a woman.
Worst thing that can happen to
meCopy !req
18. is getting sent to war. Even
then, I can find a caveCopy !req
19. and eat blackberries and tug
myself off till it's over.Copy !req
20. She's in Northumberland.Copy !req
21. They're on their way, but it
could be five or six hours.Copy !req
22. Shit, I can't be the birth
partner!Copy !req
23. I see where this is going. I
ain't no birth partner!Copy !req
24. Dude, you are gonna be a
great birth partner!Copy !req
25. The truth is, and I really
wish it wasn't true, but I'm
a...Copy !req
26. a pedophobe, to be honest.Copy !req
27. Oh, right.Copy !req
28. Oh, my life!Copy !req
29. I mean, I suppose I always
wondered whether...Copy !req
30. I've always felt really weird
around children, you know?Copy !req
31. Right. Yeah.Copy !req
32. Act supportive, or punch his
lights out?Copy !req
33. And are you gonna get help
for...?Copy !req
34. I don't know. What sort of
help can you get for an
irrational fear of children?Copy !req
35. Pedo-phobe! Oh, right.Copy !req
36. What did you think I meant?Copy !req
37. Oh, my God, Jeremy!Copy !req
38. It's just pedo, phobe...Copy !req
39. I mean, they're both bad.Copy !req
40. I thought you were saying you
were a mega-pedo!Copy !req
41. You thought I was saying I
was a mega-pedo?Copy !req
42. And your reaction was that
you'd always wondered?Copy !req
43. I was grappling. I was
grasping.Copy !req
44. Mark Corrigan?Copy !req
45. I'm just going back in. I was
only looking at the crisps and
I got distracted.Copy !req
46. I've been three minutes max,
honestly.Copy !req
47. You are allowed out.Copy !req
48. You're nice. I wish I was
having a baby with you.Copy !req
49. We'll see Sophie shortly and
if things haven't progressed,Copy !req
50. we can always give her a
cervical sweep, OK?Copy !req
51. Hm. The cervical sweep.Copy !req
52. Chim chim cheree.Copy !req
53. So, listen, I've spoken to
your mum and she's on her way.Copy !req
54. Oh, thank God.Copy !req
55. But hold your horses just one
sec, because they are on their
way from Northumberland.Copy !req
56. So until she gets here, I am
very much your man.Copy !req
57. Fucking hell.Copy !req
58. Argh!Copy !req
59. - Oh...
- Ah!Copy !req
60. What do I say? Can't sit
back and watch, eating
popcorn. Can't alleviate.Copy !req
61. Ow! Poor... Soph.Copy !req
62. - Does it hurt?
- Yes, it fucking hurts!Copy !req
63. - Might be your mum.Copy !req
64. Hello?Copy !req
65. Oh, what? The boiler?Copy !req
66. You're kidding! But it's
just... No, sorry, thank you.Copy !req
67. I'll get it sorted.Copy !req
68. - Wasn't your mum. It was
just...
- Mm...Copy !req
69. A tiny thing. My boiler. It's
nothing.Copy !req
70. It's cool. It's nothing.
Minor explosion.Copy !req
71. Forget it, I'm focused, OK.
Baby.Copy !req
72. Apparently there's water
leaking downstairs. So
irrelevant.Copy !req
73. Can you fetch the TENS
machine? It's really starting
to...Copy !req
74. Right, the TENS machine.Copy !req
75. While my flat fills with
water,Copy !req
76. what you need is an almost
imperceptibly low doseCopy !req
77. of battery-powered pain
relief!Copy !req
78. Can you try and relax, Mark?Copy !req
79. Sure. Understood. I won't get
anxious.Copy !req
80. Oh, it's rubbish.Copy !req
81. Placid lake of water.Copy !req
82. Placid lake of water filling
up my flat from the gushing
broken boiler.Copy !req
83. - Has the nurse said anything
about the pool yet?
- Water birth?Copy !req
84. Isn't it a bit... zany?Copy !req
85. I'll be much happier in the
pool!Copy !req
86. OK, then I'm on it, Soph. I'm
on it for you.Copy !req
87. And remember to ask for one
of those nets for poo and
bits, Mark.Copy !req
88. Will do.Copy !req
89. God, how did he get so old?Copy !req
90. I'll never let myself get so
old.Copy !req
91. I mean, you have to get old
up to a point, but that's
ridiculous.Copy !req
92. Still nothing from Elena.Copy !req
93. I'll never fool anyone as
beautiful as Elena into loving
me again.Copy !req
94. Maybe I should kill myself.Copy !req
95. Hmm, Gary Neville's
conservatory is nice.Copy !req
96. Hello.Copy !req
97. Put that suicide bid on
hold.Copy !req
98. OK, a book. Egghead alert.Copy !req
99. So, The Famished Road.Copy !req
100. - Is that a sequel?
- I'm sorry?Copy !req
101. To the one that was a film
about the end of the world?
The Road?Copy !req
102. Cos they were hungry enough
in that.Copy !req
103. - Good one.
- Didn't even know it was a
one.Copy !req
104. - I'm Zara.
- Jeremy.Copy !req
105. So, what are you in for? You
don't have to tell me if it's
disgusting.Copy !req
106. My boyfriend's in intensive
care.Copy !req
107. Boyfriend.Copy !req
108. - Oh.
- Yeah. He's in a bad way...Copy !req
109. Unconscious. They don't know
when he's going to come round.Copy !req
110. That's terrible.Copy !req
111. Terri-brill!Copy !req
112. OK, birthing pool. Don't
believe in it but I have to
sell it.Copy !req
113. I'm Clare Short backing
Iraq, Trinny and Susannah
endorsing Nescafe.Copy !req
114. Hi, hello. I wondered what
happened to the nurse from
before?Copy !req
115. - Which one?
- The one who was... Nice.
..here.Copy !req
116. - Yana's finished her shift.
- Ah, oh, OK.Copy !req
117. Well, we, er, discussed the
possibility earlier of using a
pool.Copy !req
118. Well, I don't have a note of
that.Copy !req
119. Great. Yana's a flake.Copy !req
120. The lovely nurse who doesn't
write anything down.Copy !req
121. She probably only works here
to get 'ludes.Copy !req
122. Both birthing pools are
either occupied or...Copy !req
123. Look, I need a pool, OK?Copy !req
124. We want a natural birth. God
knows some people aren't
convincedCopy !req
125. of the benefits of a water
birth, but I for one am not
one of them.Copy !req
126. So please could you sort that
out?Copy !req
127. - I'll see what I can do.
- Very well.Copy !req
128. Good day.Copy !req
129. Good day? God, I'm so stern.Copy !req
130. Maybe I'll end up marrying
her instead and we'll have
brisk, clinical sex.Copy !req
131. - How's it going, dude?
- We're looking at a five
centimeter cervix,Copy !req
132. plus the boiler's exploded.Copy !req
133. Hey, that's Zara's!Copy !req
134. Who was that good plumber?
Sophie's nice guy?Copy !req
135. - How about I sort it?
- Really?Copy !req
136. - Really.
- Thanks, man.Copy !req
137. He's so lucky I'd never
spike a coffee with Rohypnol.Copy !req
138. Too many practical risks
even before moral
considerations.Copy !req
139. OK, pretty tough but I
managed it. I said, 'Listen,
you do things our way.Copy !req
140. My birth partner has
requested this,Copy !req
141. and I don't care if I have to
take it to the top of the GMC.
Got it?'Copy !req
142. - Mark, I can't do this.
- OK. Um...Copy !req
143. Is that better? Or is that
better?Copy !req
144. - I don't care!
- Or is that better?Copy !req
145. Oh! I want it to stop. It's
all too much!Copy !req
146. Soph, it's OK. We'll get you
in the pool, I'm gonna sort
it.Copy !req
147. I don't want a pool. I need
pain relief, Mark!Copy !req
148. Oh, you don't want the pool?Copy !req
149. No, I want an epidural or
someone to smack me on the
headCopy !req
150. or just... Fuck!Copy !req
151. It's just I did ask very
firmly for the pool.Copy !req
152. - If I go back, I'll look...
- You'll look what?Copy !req
153. It's just it'll weaken my
negotiating position.Copy !req
154. - Mmm.
- No, Soph, yep, I'm on it.Copy !req
155. Just a tiny query...Copy !req
156. Can you remember, not at your
last place,Copy !req
157. but the place before, the
name of that nice plumber?Copy !req
158. Was it Tom or Tim?Copy !req
159. No biggy, but if it jumps
into your head,Copy !req
160. can you just pop the number
down there, would you?Copy !req
161. Argh!Copy !req
162. Wow, private room. This
guy's lucked out.Copy !req
163. Hi, Ben. I'm back.Copy !req
164. Hi, Ben.Copy !req
165. I thought this might inspire
him, you know, to write a
novel, now he's unconscious.Copy !req
166. Mm-hm. Right.Copy !req
167. You know, it's funny, just
looking at him, I could tell
we'd get on.Copy !req
168. He looks like a laugh, a
right laugh.Copy !req
169. I sort of want to shake his
hand. Would that be all right?Copy !req
170. Oh, go ahead.Copy !req
171. Ah, Ben, sleepy Ben.Copy !req
172. I want to steal your
girlfriend, Ben. I think I
love your girlfriend.Copy !req
173. Sleepy Ben.Copy !req
174. That's nice.Copy !req
175. I definitely don't hope he
dies, definitely not.Copy !req
176. That would be horrible.Copy !req
177. But he does look like he
could do with a nice long
relaxing coma.Copy !req
178. Oh, it's you again.Copy !req
179. Yes.Copy !req
180. OK, after a lot of hassle,
I've actually managed to swap
things around,Copy !req
181. and it looks like the
birthing pool will be
available, so...Copy !req
182. Yes, well, as it happens,
things have changedCopy !req
183. and my partner no longer
requires the pool.Copy !req
184. No, we want the what's it
called,Copy !req
185. the drugs pipe, the heroin
pump, the crack tube, whatever
you've got.Copy !req
186. - I want to stop her
suffering.
- Wish I'd known this earlier.Copy !req
187. Hm, you might be ripe for a
trim, in the cuts.Copy !req
188. So before the accident, how
long had you two
been... hanging out?Copy !req
189. - Three months.
- Okay.Copy !req
190. And how was it going?Copy !req
191. Were you two very...Copy !req
192. Oh, he's very committed to
his work and he did the
Ironman Triathlon... twice.Copy !req
193. Wow. So out of those three
months,Copy !req
194. you can knock off at least
two weeks for training.Copy !req
195. He loves his dance music and
drugs and video games.Copy !req
196. - God, really?
- Whereas I love to read...Copy !req
197. Oh, me too. I adore to read.
It's amazing, isn't it?Copy !req
198. Because a book, I always say,
can be about anything.Copy !req
199. That's so true. Yeah, I often
read to Ben,Copy !req
200. but he's more of a
magazine... FHM ... kind of
guy.Copy !req
201. Right, yeah.Copy !req
202. Shit, I'd better get this.Copy !req
203. - Would you like to...
- Oh, sure.Copy !req
204. - 'This month's hot tip...'
- Hello?Copy !req
205. 'The premier Wrangler
collection.Copy !req
206. When has good denim ever been
cheap?Copy !req
207. The answer is never.'Copy !req
208. Look, dude, bit of a weird
one,Copy !req
209. but if you aren't gonna make
it through,Copy !req
210. I mean, if you can't, then
don't worry, because Zara's
great,Copy !req
211. and I'll be waiting, if you
check out, in a friendly
way...Copy !req
212. not like a vulture...Copy !req
213. to check in.Copy !req
214. And don't worry, I'm not
gonna start waggling on any of
your tubes,Copy !req
215. and if you have a problem
with anything I've just said
then,Copy !req
216. then do give me a sign.Copy !req
217. No? OK.Copy !req
218. 'I'm in a swimming pool and
my bikini pops off. I'm not
bothered, I'll just carry on.'Copy !req
219. And that's a comment from
Kayleigh.Copy !req
220. You can see a picture of
Kayleigh there, and her nice
bum.Copy !req
221. - Jez?
- Oh, hi, Mark.Copy !req
222. - What are you doing?
- I'm reading FHM to this
unconscious guy.Copy !req
223. - But why?
- Because I have a heart.Copy !req
224. Yeah?Copy !req
225. Work's crazy. Thanks so much.Copy !req
226. - Oh, OK.
- What?Copy !req
227. - Nothing.
- What?Copy !req
228. Nothing.Copy !req
229. - No, go on, what?
- It's fine.Copy !req
230. - What are you saying?
- Nothing.Copy !req
231. - There's no need to be
cynical just because...
- It's fine.Copy !req
232. I'm actually quite glad it's
all a filthy duplicitous ploy.Copy !req
233. I was worried you had a
personality change.Copy !req
234. Oh, just because I'm doing
something decent,Copy !req
235. there has to be some weird
thing going on?Copy !req
236. Yes... Normally, yes.Copy !req
237. Thanks, Jez.Copy !req
238. I should be getting back to
Sophie.Copy !req
239. Jez, would you consider
coming with me?Copy !req
240. I don't think I'm coping all
that well.Copy !req
241. - Yeah, cool, man.
- You don't mind?Copy !req
242. No. Kind of always wanted to
see a birth.Copy !req
243. Be kind of like Alien but
sexy. Sexy Alien.Copy !req
244. Ow!Copy !req
245. Hey, Soph, it's me, and Jez!Copy !req
246. When's the anesthetist
coming, Mark? I need
something.Copy !req
247. OK, look, I went crazy at
them, I totally lost it,
actually,Copy !req
248. but the thing is that the
anesthetist has this C-section
now,Copy !req
249. and then there's another
procedure he's booked in to...Copy !req
250. - What?
- Tell them to pull their
fingers out, Mark.Copy !req
251. Look, the anesthetist can't
be in two places at once!Copy !req
252. I mean, I wish he could, but
he can't.Copy !req
253. How did I become the
hospital spin doctor?Copy !req
254. I want an epidural!Copy !req
255. Hello! Hello, Sophie. How we
doing?Copy !req
256. Hi, boys.Copy !req
257. OK, darling, baby's doing
fine.Copy !req
258. I just wanna see how you're
doing, see how dilated you
are, OK?Copy !req
259. Hm, stuck on the medical
channel and there's no remote
control.Copy !req
260. Maybe some... music?Copy !req
261. Yes. Yeah, maybe some music.Copy !req
262. - Uh-huh.Copy !req
263. What a bastard. That's gonna
drive us all totally bonkers.Copy !req
264. Yeah, you're doing great.
You're fully dilated.Copy !req
265. Your baby's coming.Copy !req
266. There's no time for an
epidural.Copy !req
267. - She put her whole hand in.
- Blimey.Copy !req
268. I didn't think she'd put her
whole hand in!Copy !req
269. No, God.Copy !req
270. Look, maybe I should go.Copy !req
271. Of course. Brings the
insufferable music, then goes.Copy !req
272. He's like the 1980s.Copy !req
273. - Hello? Hans?Copy !req
274. Oh, OK, I'll be right down.Copy !req
275. That was Super Hans. He's
here. He wants money to fix
the boiler.Copy !req
276. Yeah, I called him earlier.
Boiler's sorted.Copy !req
277. You called Super Hans about
the boiler? Super Hans is our
plumber?Copy !req
278. No, his mate. His mate's a
plumber.Copy !req
279. Oh, great(!) I wonder if he
appears on the CORGI Gas Safe
Register?Copy !req
280. Or just the Sex Offenders'?Copy !req
281. That's right, pay Hans to do
the plumbing,Copy !req
282. swap the cow for some magic
beans.Copy !req
283. Half a monkey, as requested.Copy !req
284. Why am I dealing in animals?Copy !req
285. No animal-based transaction
has ever gone well.Copy !req
286. It's for parts and that.Copy !req
287. I'll probably end up with
half a Ford Escort and some
porno tapesCopy !req
288. and we'll call it all
square.Copy !req
289. Is he... the plumber?Copy !req
290. Relax, Mark. We can
definitely do plumbing. It's
not an issue.Copy !req
291. Trojan's very capable after
his sleep.Copy !req
292. Plumbing's just fucking Lego,
innit? Water Lego.Copy !req
293. So, how's it all going with
Soph and the baby?Copy !req
294. For a while it's been pretty
boringCopy !req
295. but I think we're getting to
the utterly terrifying bit.Copy !req
296. Take my advice, stay away
from the goal end, mate.Copy !req
297. - Yeah?
- Yeah. You don't wanna get
thinking about that.Copy !req
298. It's like the
Channel Tunnel -Copy !req
299. lovely, it's all about your
holidays,Copy !req
300. but imagine you saw a fucking
huge baby come out of it.Copy !req
301. - Never be the same again.
- Right.Copy !req
302. - One other tip... Trip.
- What?Copy !req
303. Trip your nuts off. Makes it
amazing.Copy !req
304. - Isn't it pretty amazing
anyway?
- Dunno. Yeah, maybe.Copy !req
305. But if you're tripping and
you're having a baby, it's
like "Fuck!"Copy !req
306. You see a little guy come out
of there. What's gonna happen
next?Copy !req
307. Frogs out of her arsehole?Copy !req
308. Milk out of her ears?
Anything's possible.Copy !req
309. Oi.Copy !req
310. - What?
- Let's drive.Copy !req
311. If those two fix my boiler,Copy !req
312. I think it will be more
surprising than if Sophie gave
birthCopy !req
313. to a working replica of
Stephenson's Rocket.Copy !req
314. Hi, Soph, back now. Can I do
anything?Copy !req
315. - You're doing great, Sophie,
you're doing good.Copy !req
316. Oh, God, the screaming. Poor
Sophie. I definitely couldn't
give birth.Copy !req
317. I want to call Dignitas when
I get lumbar pain.Copy !req
318. Now, don't push if you don't
need to.Copy !req
319. Take a rest, Sophie, hm?
You're doing well.Copy !req
320. I can't just keep standing
to attention like Captain Mark
Phillips.Copy !req
321. Could march around the room
like Nelson on his
quarterdeck.Copy !req
322. I'm just a spare part!Copy !req
323. Stop walking round like that
and come over here.Copy !req
324. And the fun part is,
everything I do is basically
wrong.Copy !req
325. If I can just get hold of a
hand, that might feel useful.Copy !req
326. Oh, it's now, Mark, it's now!Copy !req
327. Right, right, yes, I'm sure,
but just don't use all your
energy,Copy !req
328. cos you did say that eight
hours ago,Copy !req
329. and it wasn't 'now', and I
don't want to be a doubting
Thomas, but...Copy !req
330. Aargh!Copy !req
331. Bastard, bastard, fat
bastard!Copy !req
332. Is that for me or just
general bastarding?Copy !req
333. Oh, fuck off, fuck off!Copy !req
334. If she keeps saying 'Fuck
off', I might fuck off.Copy !req
335. That's gotta be within your
rights,Copy !req
336. to fuck off if someone
repeatedly screams at you to
fuck off.Copy !req
337. Can I...Copy !req
338. I just need to nip to the
little boys' room.Copy !req
339. Yeah, the little boys' room.Copy !req
340. For little boys.Copy !req
341. Here we go.Copy !req
342. One for you and one for Ben.Copy !req
343. Thanks, Jez.Copy !req
344. I'll have Ben's for him,
shall I?Copy !req
345. Here's to you, Ben.Copy !req
346. I guess, I mean, the thing I
think is,Copy !req
347. if he doesn't make it, God
forbid, at least he lived to
the max.Copy !req
348. The Ironman... We think we
were once in the same bar as
Banksy.Copy !req
349. Wow, yeah, I mean, there's a
time for everything, isn't
there, you know?Copy !req
350. There's a time for golf, a
time for stew...Copy !req
351. Mmm. Yeah.Copy !req
352. Come on, Guru Jez!Copy !req
353. I mean, it's the whole circle
of life, isn't it?Copy !req
354. I mean, if you believe in
reincarnation, imagine if he
wentCopy !req
355. at the exact same moment that
my friend's baby was born.Copy !req
356. Ben's spirit, his essence,
might live on,Copy !req
357. Bluetoothed into the baby.Copy !req
358. Yeah, I suppose I could
accept that, in a way.Copy !req
359. It's just him dangling, you
know?Copy !req
360. We need to get you some
answers. Is he going to pull
through?Copy !req
361. You need to know.Copy !req
362. I need to know.Copy !req
363. Right now, I'm a supporting
character in a weepy,Copy !req
364. when I want to be the
leading man in a porno!Copy !req
365. Yeah, OK, off to the toilet,
have a wee and then back in.Copy !req
366. I could walk quicker, but
it's interesting to note that
I'm not.Copy !req
367. I'm walking at what I would
describe in court as a normal
pace,Copy !req
368. but which I think is
actually slightly slower than
normal.Copy !req
369. There's the toilet. Hm, why
didn't I go in?Copy !req
370. Here I go into here. OK,
this is interesting.Copy !req
371. Where am I going now?Copy !req
372. I think this is OK. This is
something somebody might do in
my situation.Copy !req
373. My wife was going into
labor, and I decided to leave
her, ever so briefly,Copy !req
374. to grab something to eat to
fortify me for the events
ahead.Copy !req
375. 'Oh, that sounds wise, that
you got a chicken bucket early
on.' 'Yes, I know.'Copy !req
376. - Chicken bucket, please.
- Take a few minutes, OK?Copy !req
377. Yes, I can wait.Copy !req
378. Eating from a bucket like a
human horse,Copy !req
379. I feel refreshed and
replenished and now back to
the hospital.Copy !req
380. No need to run, and still
got some beans and a sweet
corn for Sophie.Copy !req
381. Probably just what she
fancies.Copy !req
382. Hm, is this the worst thing
I've ever done? It might be.Copy !req
383. You can't hide behind that
pillar. I'm a sharpshooter.Copy !req
384. I bet she's OK. All the
staff...Copy !req
385. I'm better off here. I'm
safe here,Copy !req
386. with the gangsters in the
killing zone, the abandoned
subway station,Copy !req
387. my safe place, my good
place.Copy !req
388. Looks like you're in trouble
there, mateCopy !req
389. Oddball alert. Do not
respond. Do not engage.Copy !req
390. Oh, God, he's broken through
my icy force field.Copy !req
391. Maybe he's having a baby.Copy !req
392. Maybe everyone in here is
having babies.Copy !req
393. This is difficult, but if he
does make it through, will he
still be...Copy !req
394. operating from below the
waistal area?Copy !req
395. - You mean...
- Will he still be able to...Copy !req
396. communicate... with his...Copy !req
397. communication rod,Copy !req
398. or will he no longer be able
to...Copy !req
399. lift the drawbridge, so to
speak? I'm thinking about
Zara's needs.Copy !req
400. Look, I can't speculate on
that, but I'll be frank with
you.Copy !req
401. We really need to see some
movement in the next 24 hours
from BenCopy !req
402. if a full recovery is going
to be on the cards.Copy !req
403. Thank you, Doctor.Copy !req
404. I'm 24 hours from Tulsa.Copy !req
405. Thanks, Jez.Copy !req
406. Finally, I'm in pole
position. Ben checks out. I
check in.Copy !req
407. I mean, I definitely,
definitely hope he doesn't,Copy !req
408. - but if he does, then...
- Uh!Copy !req
409. - What, Jeremy?
- N-nothing.Copy !req
410. Don't raise her hopes.
Could've been anything -Copy !req
411. phantom toe syndrome,
methane build-up, disturbance
in the force...Copy !req
412. Oh, bollocks.Copy !req
413. Zara, I think Ben's trying to
tell you something with his
foot.Copy !req
414. Oh, my God, look! He's gonna
be fine. Everything's gonna be
fine, Jez!Copy !req
415. That's brilliant, Zara!Copy !req
416. Fucking great. The mummy
returns.Copy !req
417. Finally find the woman of my
dreams,Copy !req
418. and her boyfriend
reanimates.Copy !req
419. Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!Copy !req
420. Nice.Copy !req
421. - Jez.
- Who's the jerk?Copy !req
422. Easy, buddy.Copy !req
423. I went to see Soph. Why are
you not in there?Copy !req
424. Yeah, well...Copy !req
425. Sophie wanted me to grab five
and play some Lethal
Enforcers.Copy !req
426. - Really?
- Yeah.Copy !req
427. She was all, 'Grab five,
Mark. You deserve it. I'll be
fine.'Copy !req
428. She didn't mention that.Copy !req
429. The midwife didn't mention
that.Copy !req
430. Yeah, I know, that's because
I'm lying.Copy !req
431. Look, Mark, I get it. If this
was happening to me,Copy !req
432. I'd be doing what you're
doing 100 times over,Copy !req
433. but you don't want to look
back thinking,Copy !req
434. when your baby was being
born, you were taking out a
ninja.Copy !req
435. Yakuza!Copy !req
436. You need to get back in
there.Copy !req
437. He's right. Thank God I
didn't do whiskey-and-random-
EasyJet.Copy !req
438. I can still pull this round.Copy !req
439. Hi. Oh, you're not...Copy !req
440. That could so easily have
been me - a useless gnome,
fishing for turds.Copy !req
441. Sorry. This should be my
birth.Copy !req
442. - Where's...?
- Sophie's in theatre three.Copy !req
443. Theatre?Copy !req
444. Theatre! Nothing good has
ever happened in a theatre.
Oh, fuck!Copy !req
445. - Sophie, are you OK?
- Yeah, I am.Copy !req
446. I'm so sorry I went. I
just... I don't know what to
say.Copy !req
447. Did you go? I've been pretty
out of it. How long were you
gone for?Copy !req
448. Oh, how long?Copy !req
449. Oh, ages, like...Copy !req
450. three or four minutes.Copy !req
451. This is amazing. I could
have finished the level,Copy !req
452. had an Angry Whopper and
upgraded my phone tariff.Copy !req
453. Everything slowed down and we
wanted to get the baby out,Copy !req
454. so we decided to come for a
Caesarean section.Copy !req
455. That's brilliant. I love the
salad. Now try the birth.Copy !req
456. The... Caesar... Caesarean
salad?Copy !req
457. Sorry, I'm gabbling. I'm just
happy it's all OK.Copy !req
458. - How's it looking down
there?
- Oh...Copy !req
459. You might not necessarily
want to.Copy !req
460. Holy fuck! Living innards.Copy !req
461. I thought now it'd all be
hi-tech, chip and pin, not
London Dungeon!Copy !req
462. - Is it OK?
- Yeah.Copy !req
463. - Yeah?
- All... good, all great.Copy !req
464. The screen's there for a
reason.Copy !req
465. There's a reason they put
Guantanamo on Cuba.Copy !req
466. Now you might feel a bit of a
tug. Baby's coming out.Copy !req
467. It's like someone's doing the
washing up. Yeah, I can feel
that.Copy !req
468. Yeah, I imagine so, because
a human being is being heaved
out of your body.Copy !req
469. - Oh, my goodness!Copy !req
470. - Do you want to cut the
cord?
- No!Copy !req
471. Do you want to do credit
rating or work in a Mexican
restaurant?Copy !req
472. Let's stick to our jobs.Copy !req
473. Do people normally...Copy !req
474. - Go on, Mark.
- Oh, OK.Copy !req
475. Bet I do it wrong and they
laugh.Copy !req
476. Humiliated in front of my
son within ten seconds of his
birth.Copy !req
477. Wow. It's sinewy.Copy !req
478. God! I can't get any
purchase.Copy !req
479. Thought it would be like
Sarah Ferguson cutting a
ribbon,Copy !req
480. but it's much more meaty,
like sawing a dog's leg in
half.Copy !req
481. Oh, my God. There he is.
I've got a baby.Copy !req
482. Maybe I might be... a good
person from now on.Copy !req
483. That might be a good idea.
Yeah, lead a wholesome lifeCopy !req
484. and be a decent citizen and
make the whole world OK.Copy !req
485. And, yeah, this is a biggy.
This is definitely a biggy!Copy !req
486. Maybe my son can sort
climate change.Copy !req
487. He might figure out cold
fusion!Copy !req
488. Not as one of the main guys,
that's unrealistic,Copy !req
489. but in an administrative
capacity.Copy !req
490. Oh, my God. You're a dad.Copy !req
491. - I know.
- Wow.Copy !req
492. This probably doesn't matter
right now, but Hans called.Copy !req
493. - Oh?
- It's all sorted.Copy !req
494. New boiler's up and runningCopy !req
495. and there's minimal water
damage. He sent a photo.Copy !req
496. Minimal water damage?Copy !req
497. Minimal water damage.Copy !req
498. Here you go, here's your son.Copy !req
499. Oh, my God.Copy !req
500. My son.Copy !req
501. Minimal water damage?Copy !req