Parks and Recreation 3x3

1. Okay, Jerry, what have you chosen to put in the time capsule?

2. These are my mother's diaries.

3. Wow. Yeah, she lived in Pawnee all of her life

4. and recorded everything she ever did.

5. Yeah, so it's, you know, kind of like

6. a living document about the town.

7. Mmm. A disappointingly good idea from Jerry.

8. Better than good, Jerry. Perfect.

9. Give me that.

10. "January 18, 1964.

11. "Jerrold starred in his school production of Peter Pan.

12. "He was a beautiful Tinker Bell."

13. It was an all-boys school.

14. Jerry!

15. Hey, Leslie, I have an idea.

16. Why don't we put Eduardo in there

17. and seal the top so that he suffocates and dies?

18. Okay, Tom, you're up.

19. For my item, I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend Lucy

20. with a mustache drawn on her face

21. and stink lines coming off her, 'cause she stinks.

22. She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why.

23. Luckily, when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy.

24. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up."

25. "Yeah, man. Turns out she's crazy."

26. That's what they always do on Entourage.

27. Ron?

28. I am submitting this menu

29. from a Pawnee institution, JJ's diner,

30. home of the world's best breakfast dish,

31. The Four Horse-meals of the Egg-pork-calypse.

32. Wendy loves it, too.

33. And I am submitting this.

34. A brief history of everything that has ever happened

35. since Pawnee was founded.

36. Not like you get extra credit for this, but I did type it from memory.

37. And for the first time ever compiled,

38. it includes a complete list of every official town slogan we've ever had.

39. Oh, my God, Leslie.I know. Can you believe it?

40. That's crazy. Isn't it?

41. The Paris of America."

42. "The Akron of Southwest Indiana."

43. Welcome, German soldiers."

44. After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked.

45. "The factory fire capital of America."

46. "Welcome, Vietnamese soldiers."

47. "Engage with Zorp."

48. For a brief time in the '70s, our town was taken over by a cult.

49. "Zorp is dead. Long live Zorp."

50. It's safe to be here now."

51. Birthplace of Julia Roberts."

52. That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it.

53. "Home of the world-famous Julia Roberts lawsuit."

54. Welcome, Taliban soldiers."

55. And finally, our current slogan.

56. "First in friendship, fourth in obesity."

57. Yes, Pawnee has had its set of problems,

58. but this time capsule is our way of saying

59. that Pawnee is gonna be around for a long time...

60. Capsule.

61. And you can quote me on that.

62. I'm actually gonna quote you on all of this,

63. 'cause it's a newspaper article.

64. I thought of a great headline. Great.

65. "It's Time to Encapsulate the Future."

66. Good one. Sub headline,

67. "The Parks Department Cuts the Crapsule, Buries the Time Capsule."

68. I'll be back tomorrow with the photographer.

69. Okay.

70. Leslie, this guy's here.

71. Hi. Can I help you?

72. I'm Kelly Larson.

73. I read online about your time capsule,

74. and I'm here to make a suggestion.

75. Oh, I'm sorry. We're not taking...

76. Twilight books.

77. It's a beautifully told saga of vampires, werewolves and romance.

78. You are the person that's been emailing me about Twilight.

79. I thought you would be younger. And a girl.

80. Well, I'm not.

81. I'm older and a boy.

82. But I feel very strongly that these should

83. be included. Can I tell you why?

84. Sure, Kelly. Have a seat. Awesome.

85. And plead your case. Thanks.

86. Okay, Christmas Eve, 1973.

87. Author Stephenie Meyer, née Morgan,

88. was born in Hartford, Connecticut.

89. Oh. You're going all the way back to her birth. Okay.

90. So basically, Ann kissed me and then April kissed me,

91. and I told April, because of honesty is important.

92. That's so true.

93. But now she's gone and gotten herself a Venezuelan boyfriend

94. who's, like, the handsomest dude I've ever seen.

95. Present company excluded.

96. Oh, thank you.

97. I was talking about me.

98. Hey.

99. Ann Perkins!

100. Andy just gave me a phenomenal shoeshine

101. and I did not know that you two once lived together.

102. Yes. Yes, we did.

103. Thank you for catching him up on our history.

104. Andy, that was an amazing shoeshine.

105. I can literally see my face in my shoes.

106. See you later!

107. He didn't.. . He didn't pay me.

108. Why are you hanging out with Chris?

109. He just sat down.

110. What am I supposed to do? He's my boss.

111. No, he's not. He isn't?

112. God dang it.

113. I cannot figure out who my boss is.

114. Andy, I like this guy.

115. Please don't do anything weird, I beg you.

116. I just started dating Chris, and I don't know how,

117. but Andy's gonna screw it up.

118. Andy screws everything up.

119. When we were dating, I bought him a fish

120. and I don't want to get into it,

121. but somehow that fish ended up dead in a cowboy boot.

122. And combined, they have sold more than 100 million copies worldwide.

123. Now, have you seen any of the Twilight movies?

124. No, I have not. Well, let me

125. describe them to you shot for shot.

126. Movie number one. Twilight.

127. We slowly pan up over a mossy log

128. to see a deer drinking crystal-clear water.

129. Okay, Kelly, this time capsule isn't just a barrel full of stuff that people like.

130. It's about life in Pawnee at this moment in time,

131. and there is nothing in Twilight that is specific to Pawnee.

132. I disagree, okay?

133. The town of Forks, Washington is exactly like Pawnee,

134. except for the climate and the vampires.

135. I'm sorry. I have to say no.

136. I beg you to reconsider.

137. And I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

138. Then I'm gonna have to do this.

139. He brought handcuffs with him. This whole thing was planned.

140. I think it's kind of cool.

141. It's not cool. It's trespassing,

142. and that is breaking the rules.

143. Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules.

144. And if those kids want you to break the rules,

145. they're not really your friends.

146. Whoa, who are you even talking about?

147. I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm just annoyed.

148. But while we're on the subject,

149. your friend Orrin, with the long black nails and the cloak?

150. He concerns me.

151. He's a genius.

152. I'll take care of this trespasser.

153. Give me 30 seconds.

154. I'm just gonna call security.

155. Guys, can we push the meeting an hour?

156. What's going on?

157. Some guy handcuffed himself to a pipe in my office

158. because we wouldn't put a copy of Twilight in the time capsule.

159. Damn it. Again?

160. You look sad.

161. You look like a weird goon who's obsessed with a kid's book.

162. It's a girl, isn't it?

163. I can tell.

164. It's the look that Mike had on his face

165. when Bella turned him down for the dance.

166. Oh, yeah? Is it?

167. What look did your mom have on her face

168. when she realized her son was a complete failure?

169. Okay, I'll be quiet.

170. But I do know something about heartbreak. And you know who else does?

171. Kenneth "Babyface" Edmonds?

172. No.

173. A little lady named Twilight author Stephenie Meyer.

174. Trust me.

175. You should listen to him. Those books are good.

176. Oh, I love any book about vampires, werewolves, monsters, zombies,

177. sorcerers, beasties or time-traveling romances.

178. And if I had an hour alone with Robert Pattinson,

179. he would forget all about Skinnylegs McGee.

180. I'll tell you that much.

181. Okay, buddy, time is up. Give us the keys.

182. They're hidden somewhere very far away.

183. Then we're gonna have to cut you loose.

184. Why? I'm not doing anything wrong.

185. Yes, you are. You're trespassing.

186. Well, the fact remains this is perfectly legal.

187. No, it's not. You're trespassing.

188. Look, I really don't want to cause any trouble,

189. but I am not gonna leave until you put Twilight in the time capsule.

190. This muscle-headed Stormtrooper doesn't scare me.

191. Go ahead, Artie.

192. No! No! No! No! No!

193. Please! No! No! No! No! No! No! Get him away from me!

194. I am very scared of you!

195. All right! Okay! All right! All right! All right! Stop.

196. If he wants to stay in there, I'll let him stay in there.

197. In two hours, he's gonna be so hungry and freaked out,

198. he's gonna be begging me to...

199. He brought a pillow.

200. Hey, Leslie, I'm making some Sleepytime tea. Do you want any?

201. Hey, dude, wake up, man.

202. Oh, morning, Tom.

203. Twilight is dope.

204. I told you. I couldn't put it down.

205. It was like she was peering into my soul.

206. Sing it, friend. Here.

207. Book two. New Moon.

208. Get cracking.

209. There's a second book?

210. And a third and a fourth.

211. No way.

212. It's fantastic. Yeah.

213. I worked really hard. I did every pair that I could.

214. I didn't know what to do with these.

215. I think they're gloves. No, no, no, no.

216. Those are sports sandals.

217. They are for adventure racing.

218. They perfectly contour to the human foot,

219. and the human foot is the ultimate technology.

220. Dude, that is the coolest sentence I've ever heard somebody talk.

221. So you love April, and she has a new boyfriend, right?

222. You got all of that from a picture?

223. No, you told me yesterday.

224. Andy, I want to help you win her over.

225. Why do I want to help him?

226. Because he's a good person.

227. I love good people.

228. Hey, you know who should wear these shoes?

229. Monkeys.

230. Well, this is an interesting turn of events.

231. Is it? I don't know.

232. I mean, I guess it's kind of interesting.

233. What the real story is is how wonderful our time capsule is

234. and how it perfectly encapsulates,

235. a word I really think you should use,

236. what our town is all about.

237. Hey, how's this for a headline?

238. "Parks Department Foiled by Pipe Dreams."

239. God, that's an amazing headline,

240. but please don't write that story.

241. The key to April's heart is within you, Andy.

242. You need to tap in to the aspects of your personality

243. that she once found attractive to make yourself the best version of yourself.

244. What's great about you?

245. I'm nice.

246. Good! Nice.

247. What else? I'm in a band.

248. Band!

249. What else? That's it.

250. Am I team Edward? Yes.

251. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though?

252. Absolutely not.

253. Edward's primary goal, at all times, is Bella's protection.

254. Can you please, please be quiet?

255. Sorry. Sorry.

256. Let's keep it down. Be considerate.

257. Look at it this way, Tom.

258. Bella's love for Edward is being tested.

259. By Jacob?

260. Mmm. Not exactly.

261. The Volturi? Yes.

262. Okay, you know what? All right.

263. I'm gonna go do my work in the conference room,

264. 'cause you guys are the worst.

265. You seem tense, Leslie. You know what you should do?

266. Read Twilight?

267. Read Twilight. Here. Yeah, thanks.

268. Sometimes I think she's in the Volturi.

269. Good morning, Kelly.

270. Oh, morning, Leslie.

271. Hope you don't mind, I moved myself over to this pipe.

272. It's a little more comfortable.

273. No problem. Did you have a nice night? Sleep well?

274. It was all right, considering.

275. Picked you up some coffee.

276. Thank you so much.

277. Well, you seem pretty chipper this morning. I am, Kelly,

278. because I know why you're here.

279. You know what I did last night?

280. Read Twilight, and it transformed your life

281. and you're gonna put it in the time capsule?

282. Well, I read the first 10 pages.

283. I couldn't really get into it, though.

284. More of a Harry Potter girl myself.

285. What? But I looked in the inside cover,

286. and I saw this.

287. Did a little research, and Liz Waverly is 12 years old,

288. a straight-A student at King Philip Middle.

289. She's also a member of many

290. Twilight Internet message boards,

291. and I'm guessing your daughter?

292. Is that why you did this? To impress your daughter?

293. Liz's mom and I divorced a couple years ago,

294. and it's been really hard on her.

295. She loves Twilight.

296. So, I read about your time capsule and I thought

297. that if I could somehow convince you to get it in there,

298. I'd be a big hero.

299. That's really sweet.

300. You should have told me you were doing this for your daughter.

301. I didn't want to drag her into it.

302. I'm sorry. This is a mistake.

303. You don't have to put Twilight in the time capsule.

304. I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.

305. Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdoes.

306. Yeah, what happened to, "A perfect encapsulation of life in Pawnee"?

307. Well, for that guy, life in Pawnee is him

308. and his daughter reading that book.

309. Besides, I can get Shauna on board.

310. It would make a great human interest story.

311. Uh, if this gets out,

312. every time you want to do anything,

313. some guy's gonna come into your office

314. and handcuff himself to a pipe.

315. Well, yeah, that's a good point.

316. Then we shall bring the pipe to them.

317. Oh, no. Oh, yes.

318. What does that mean? Crackpot convention.

319. So that's what today's forum is for.

320. We're gonna hear suggestions from everyone,

321. and then whichever items we generally agree on

322. will go into the time capsule.

323. Please remember, this is a government project,

324. so we need to refrain from corporate promotion

325. and religious items.

326. Who'd like to start?

327. I think we should put in the Bible.

328. Great.

329. Eduardo.

330. Hi, Eduardo. I want to apologize.

331. Just because you're dating my soul mate

332. doesn't give me any right to be a jerk to you.

333. I promise from now on, I'm just gonna be super nice to you.

334. Thank you for saying that. You're welcome.

335. What CDs are those?

336. Mouse Rat.

337. My band. It's our latest album. Yeah.

338. You like music? What are you listening to?

339. The Smiths. Very depressing!

340. April's making you listen to that? Mmm.

341. She's really into that indie stuff.

342. I'm more of a Dave Matthews guy myself.

343. David Matthews! Crash into Me!

344. Yes! I love that song.

345. Here you go, here. Take one. Check us out.

346. We're amazing, so let me know how much you like us.

347. Yeah, gracias.

348. That means "thank you"?

349. Yes. Nailed it.

350. So, we have one very moving case for Twilight.

351. Anyone else? Great.

352. Two people for Twilight. Oh, no, no, no, no.

353. I'm Marcia Langman,

354. from the Society for Family Stability Foundation.

355. This book contains pagan creatures and strong sexual overtones.

356. There are girls quivering.

357. There are boys staring deeply into girls' eyes as they quiver, and so forth.

358. There really is a tremendous amount of quivering.

359. It is anti-Christian, it is pro-quivering,

360. and the government has no business promoting it.

361. I totally disagree.

362. Well, now we have two people for Twilight.

363. Absolutely not.

364. I'm with the National Civil Liberties Association.

365. That book actually contains overt Christian themes,

366. and as such, has no business being

367. associated with any government project.

368. So too Christian, and not Christian enough?

369. Do you see the irony here?

370. No? Okay. Uh...

371. Donna, why don't you put a question mark next to Twilight?

372. No! You promised!

373. You promised? That's not fair!

374. Wait, it's not a question of fairness.

375. It's.. . Go back to Russia, commie!

376. Hey, you go back to Russia!

377. You go back to wherever you came from! Why would I go to Russia?

378. I have no interest in traveling to Russia. Can I just say that?

379. And who else?

380. I would like to include my favorite book,

381. Crazy from the Heat, the David Lee Roth story.

382. Well, I think if we're gonna be adding a book to the time capsule,

383. it would probably be Twilight.

384. I don't care about Twilight. Why is this only about his favorite book?

385. I want my favorite book in there.

386. Okay, I have an idea.

387. Two time capsules.

388. One that totally encapsulates

389. what's happening right now in Pawnee in this moment in time

390. and the other one that's just for items

391. of personal significance, like Twilight.

392. No Twilight!

393. Yes, Twilight!

394. Hey. Hey.

395. Thanks for coming.

396. I only have a second. I have to get to work.

397. Bella's going on her first hunt.

398. I just don't get why you broke up with me.

399. Is it 'cause I'm not cool enough?

400. Like the normal kids compared to the vampires?

401. Is it an Edward-Bella-Jacob type situation,

402. where you like me but there's someone else you like more?

403. Uh...

404. It's nothing to do with Twilight.

405. It just didn't work out.

406. Okay?

407. Well, what difference does it make?

408. If we stayed together, you probably

409. would have just dumped me for Ron.

410. Actually, that's the reason.

411. I believe you when you say that you're not in love with Wendy anymore,

412. but you're definitely not cool with her dating Ron.

413. You talk about it constantly.

414. Well, I can't help it, okay?

415. I mean, he's so manly, and he's my boss.

416. Imagine if your boss was Angelina Jolie,

417. and then one day, she just started dating your ex-boyfriend.

418. Wouldn't that freak you out a little bit?

419. Well, not if I had a great new boyfriend, dumb-ass.

420. Look, Tom, I like you.

421. You're really cute and you're funny,

422. and you're small enough for me to throw you around.

423. So if you ever work through this, then give me a call.

424. My grandmother lived in Pawnee for 60 years,

425. and I wanna put her ashes in the time capsule.

426. My cat, Turnip, was the greatest cat ever,

427. and I'd like to put his ashes in the time capsule.

428. For the last time, and I won't say this again,

429. there will be no human or feline ashes

430. in either one of the time capsules.

431. Except for Turnip! Except for Turnip!

432. No chanting.

433. Look, we don't know what the world

434. is going to be like in 50 years.

435. We could all have been wiped out from disease or the flu.

436. So what's your suggestion?

437. I don't know.

438. I'm just scared.

439. Hey.

440. Aw!

441. Andy!

442. I got two microphones, a four-track recorder

443. and every bass tab to Dave Matthews ever.

444. We're gonna jam for, like, nine hours. Is that cool?

445. Yeah. All right.

446. That's ridiculous.

447. Now, why should the Bill of Rights be in the official time capsule,

448. but this painting of my dog is in time capsule seven?

449. Well, I think pet paintings/ashes are in time capsule four.

450. No, that's baseball cards.

451. No, baseball cards are in time capsule nine, childhood memorabilia.

452. Honestly, Twilight could go in almost any of these categories.

453. Oh, shut up, Kelly!

454. Make me, Bob!

455. Okay, let's take a 10-minute break!

456. Oh, God.

457. This time capsule's tearing this town apart.

458. You're leaving soon.

459. Can I blame it on you in the press?

460. Sure.

461. Well, I gotta say, I think it's kind of impressive.

462. I've been to a lot of towns. Usually people don't care about anything.

463. I mean, don't get me wrong.

464. These people are weirdoes, but they're weirdoes who care.

465. Excuse me, everyone.

466. I realize things have gotten a little out of control,

467. and that's Ben's fault, and he's sorry.

468. But I have an idea, and if you like it,

469. I think we can end this right now.

470. "Dear Pawnee of the future,

471. "congratulations.

472. "You have found a time capsule that was buried over 50 years ago.

473. "We wanted to include a collection of items that would best represent

474. "what life was like in our town at that moment.

475. "Instead, you'll find only one item,

476. "a video recording of a public forum we held

477. "in order to determine just what those items would be.

478. "This is truly what life was like.

479. "A lot of people with a lot of opinions

480. "arguing passionately for what they believed in.

481. "So enjoy watching it, assuming you still have electricity.

482. "And sorry about the weird blank gap in the middle.

483. "A man named Jerry Gergich screwed up the recording somehow.

484. "He had one job to do.

485. "Sincerely, Pawnee of the past."

486. Is Eduardo coming?

487. No, he went back to Venezuela.

488. Oh, that sucks.

489. He was a really good bassist. I was actually starting to like him.

490. I know.

491. That's what made me start to hate him.

492. Hey. Nice and band totally worked.

493. Have you enjoyed your time with Andy?

494. Yeah, he's great.

495. And he told me how great you are.

496. And he told me that I would be crazy to let you get away.

497. He did, huh? He did.

498. And also, there is a pretzel stand over there

499. that serves, literally, the best pretzel I've ever had.

500. Would you like one? Absolutely.

501. Hey, guys.

502. Hey, Tom. Tom.

503. Listen, I've never seen this before,

504. so I'd really appreciate it if no one,

505. like, talked or texted or anything. Okay.

506. Ooh!

507. Hey.

508. Hey, Leslie, thanks for setting this up.

509. Dude, what did I just say?

510. Hey, I was the guy who introduced you to...

511. How about you shut up?