Parks and Recreation 3x15

1. Hey, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time ever in her new part-time job

2. in the Public Health Department at City Hall, it's Ann Meredith Perkins! Yay!

3. Leslie, this is so nice!

4. I put a poisonous gas in one of these balloons,

5. so if any of them pops, you may die.

6. No, April, we would all die.

7. Gases fill the volume of whatever container they're in.

8. School.

9. We have activities every hour on your first day.

10. 10:00 am, "Ann's first day waffle explosion."

11. 11:00 a.m. , "The start-paperwork jamboree."

12. And then 12:00 noon sharp is the inaugural "D-Ann-ce Party."

13. Welcome to City Hall, cupcake!

14. How many of you are in here?There's seven.

15. And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart, and he's kind of a grouch.

16. I have an office mate?

17. Get these balloons out of here.

18. Hi, I'm Ann.

19. Hey. Hey.

20. Just to let you know, I gave the senior center project to Donna.

21. Sounds good. The meeting's at 2:00?

22. Yes. Conference room "C".

23. Okay. I think at some point,

24. you and I should probably make out with each other.

25. Yeah, good call.

26. The best part of any relationship is the beginning.

27. No problems, no fights.

28. Just white wine, cuddling,

29. and crazy amounts of History Channel documentaries.

30. Hey, we should take separate cars to the restaurant tonight.

31. Chris is deadly serious about this.. . I know.

32. I just don't wanna talk about it, okay? I'll see you tonight.

33. Okay. By the way, I have a meeting with Marlene Griggs-Knope.

34. Is that any relation?

35. No.

36. Oh, okay.

37. Just a coincidence. We get it all the time. We laugh about it.

38. But I've never met her.

39. She's Filipino. Okay, bye.

40. Why don't you just tell Ben she's your mother?

41. Because Ben and I are in this amazing little bubble right now,

42. and there's no room in here

43. for Chris' stupid rules about us not dating or my ball-busting mother.

44. Leslie, I'm sorry, but I don't think you thought this through.

45. You know what I should do? I should get my mother

46. a one-way ticket to London, leaving today.

47. And that way, Ben never has to meet her

48. and I could visit her in London. Everybody wins.

49. What if he sees a picture of her on your desk?

50. What if Marlene says, "Hey, have you met my daughter, Leslie?

51. "She works in the Parks Department."

52. Stuart, please, could you give us, like, 45 minutes?

53. It's my office, too. Stuart.

54. That guy was rude.

55. I feel that some structural changes

56. could really unlock this department's potential.

57. Jerry. Mmm?

58. I believe you are capable of much more.

59. I'm not. Nonsense.

60. Look in the mirror. Huh?

61. You are an intelligent, charismatic, beautiful superhero.

62. I'm making you head of Public Relations,

63. which means you'll be leading the daily briefing sessions.

64. Excellent idea.

65. This is my favorite part about having a new city manager.

66. They always try to shake things up, and their ideas are terrible,

67. and it brings City Hall to a grinding halt.

68. I just grab a few donuts, sit back, and enjoy the show.

69. April, you are too valuable

70. to just be Ron's assistant.

71. So from now on, you are a multitasking executive aide,

72. assisting the entire office.

73. Is this a nightmare?

74. April, wake up.

75. Tom, I just wanna say

76. that you are a wonderful employee and a terrific human being.

77. Meeting adjourned!

78. Tom.

79. I enjoy you.

80. You know what else I enjoy? Your entrepreneurial spirit.

81. I did recently sell my Chronicles of Riddick DVD

82. on eBay for $10.

83. Used the profits to buy the Blu-ray.

84. That's terrific. I have an amazing project

85. for someone of your talents.

86. You are going to digitize

87. the entire city archives up on the fourth floor.

88. No! I hate the fourth floor! Last time I was up there,

89. I saw someone buy crystal meth out of a vending machine. It's a bad place.

90. You won't be alone. Andy.

91. Starting now, you are nobody's shoeshine boy.

92. Starting now, you are an administrative assistant.

93. For three weeks. Then back to shoes.

94. Chris!

95. I wasn't super paying attention

96. to what you just said that we'll be doing,

97. but I will give 110 percent!

98. Well, as soon as you repeat yourself in a more interesting way.

99. Hey, Ben.

100. Hey, what's up?

101. Nothing much. Since I'm here, I just wanted to let you know

102. that Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom.

103. What? Why...

104. Also, she can be cruel and difficult,

105. and she makes snap judgments about people

106. that she holds on to for a very long time.

107. And she's kind of a bully.

108. Okay! Go in there, you're gonna be great.

109. God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm sorry. Here. Sorry!

110. Hello.

111. I'm Mr. Ben Wyatt.

112. Looks like you got some shirt on your coffee.

113. Yeah. You know what happened?

114. I spilled it, but you know how it goes.

115. Fun anecdote.

116. The county school district needs four new school buses.

117. I'm being stonewalled by the board,

118. and I'm hoping your office can help us out.

119. Okay.

120. Really? That's it?

121. Yeah. Actually, no. It...

122. It's probably not possible.

123. Then I'm confused, Ben,

124. because you just told me it was.

125. Five seconds ago.

126. I got a second box of donuts, if anybody...

127. What the is this?

128. This, Mr. Director, is your new desk.

129. Okay.

130. This desk is the epitome

131. of the Swedish concept ofjämställdhet,

132. or "equality."

133. Imagine someone needs your attention.

134. Somebody say my name.

135. Chris.

136. Swivel! What is it, Jerry?

137. You told me to say your name.

138. And you did a great job, superstar.

139. Someone else say something.

140. You look like a freak.

141. Swivel!

142. April, that is not a very good attitude.

143. I will keep my eye on you

144. from my circular desk where I can see everything.

145. Tiny swivel. See how it works?

146. What about my office and its many walls?

147. That becomes a new public waiting room.

148. And we got rid of that giant pillar

149. that was in front of your door.

150. I loved that pillar.

151. It made it really annoying to stand in my doorway.

152. Well, get over it, because it's gone.

153. You're gonna be more accessible than ever.

154. The fourth floor. Small claims court,

155. divorce filings, state-ordered drug tests.

156. It's somehow both freezing and humid.

157. There's a whole room on the fourth floor

158. where they store the knives they've confiscated from people

159. who went to the fourth floor to stab someone.

160. You from Parks and Rec? Yeah.

161. I'm here to show you around.

162. Nice to meet you, ma'am. What's your name?

163. Ethel Beavers. Follow me.

164. Okay, this is you.

165. Oh, wow!

166. Double computers?

167. I get my own office phone.

168. Hello, Wall Street.

169. Buy more stocks. Now.

170. This phone kind of smells like a butt.

171. Try not to move things around.

172. Because technically speaking, this is still a crime scene.

173. Here's your name tags.

174. Here.

175. Ethel, this shirt is from Theory.

176. Name tags make holes. I'm not wearing this.

177. Do what you want.

178. Bye, Ethel! Damn it.

179. Remind me next time to ask her where she was when Lincoln got shot.

180. "Remind.. . Tom... Ask... Something."

181. You got it, boss.

182. Hey! Somebody made somebody a mix!

183. And I definitely heard your feedback from last time,

184. so I only put five Sarah McLachlan songs on this one.

185. Cool. Should we talk about how you claimed your mom

186. was a Filipino woman you'd never met?

187. Should we?

188. I was just trying to delay the inevitable.

189. If this turns into something real,

190. then we are gonna have to deal with Chris' rule,

191. and parents, and annoying flossing habits,

192. and a lot of un-fun stuff.

193. But not yet.

194. I just want to enjoy the bubble for a little while.

195. I'm sorry.

196. Everything's good? No, it's not.

197. I was completely flustered. I came off like an idiot.

198. I mean, at one point, for no reason,

199. I just took off my shoes and held them in my hand.

200. I'm gonna go ask her how it went, and I bet she loved you.

201. I loved him!

202. He's a total pushover.

203. Very odd guy, though.

204. He's like a goofy, spineless jellyfish.

205. Why do you ask, sweetheart?

206. No reason.

207. Don't worry about it. It's totally fine.

208. No, it's not fine.

209. What if she starts going around telling people I'm a pushover?

210. No one's gonna believe that.

211. When I first met you, I thought you were a fascist hard-ass.

212. What? A cute fascist hard-ass,

213. but still, you give off a very...

214. Education Department now officially requesting 10 school buses.

215. I thought they only wanted four.

216. Well, now that I'm a pushover, why not ask for 10, or 20,

217. or 100 new school buses and a fleet of school yachts?

218. How about that? Here's what we're gonna do.

219. You are gonna tell me everything there is to know about your mom.

220. And I'm gonna have another meeting with her,

221. and we're gonna have it out.

222. Or we could go to Belize

223. and go scuba diving. And we could look at the whale sharks.

224. You're certified, right? Let's get you certified.

225. April, do you have that usage report that I asked for?

226. Anything for you, Jerry.

227. Thank you.

228. Oh, come on. Why?

229. Excuse me.

230. There's a sign at Ramsett Park that says "Do not drink the sprinkler water,"

231. so I made sun tea with it, and now I have an infection.

232. Sir?

233. Sir, are.. . Are you listening to me, sir?

234. Sir, I'm talking to you!

235. Sir!

236. Sir, are you aware

237. that there is waste in your water system?

238. Okay, you need to be strong, powerful, decisive.

239. This is not a meeting. It's a battle.

240. Normal meeting rules do not apply.

241. I'll be my mom and I'm gonna be very harsh with you,

242. and it's only because I like you a lot.

243. Okay. Go!

244. Hello. Wrong.

245. What? No preambles. No introductions.

246. Just walk in and start talking.

247. I'd like to discuss the new school bus.

248. I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

249. And you should be sitting by now. What?

250. Just walk in and take a seat.

251. Um.. . "Um" is the sound in "dumb."

252. That's what she says to people.

253. And now you've crossed your legs like a woman.

254. God! Okay, should we just start over?

255. No. No, we need to put a pin in this.

256. Here is a list of my mother's top 100 favorite conversation topics,

257. starting with Persian rugs, ending with Daniel Craig.

258. You have 10 minutes to memorize it.

259. Deliverance, the movie? Mmm-hmm.

260. Oh, God.

261. So Jerry is, like, basically my boss now,

262. which I'm never gonna work for him.

263. Ron's trapped in this weird desk prison,

264. and I now work at this traveling IV station.

265. This Mort Jansen's office?

266. Nope.

267. Tell Mort I said "Your move."

268. Oh, my God. I wanna work up here

269. with you guys. This is awesome.

270. How many more of those stupid documents do you have to scan?

271. Just this one, and all the ones in those boxes.

272. I gotta get out of here pronto.

273. Time to get those old ladies to do my work for me.

274. How? By shining down on them with the Haverford charm ray.

275. Well, well, well.

276. If it isn't Ethel Beavers.

277. What's up, beautiful?

278. Julianne Moore just called. She wants her hair back.

279. Nobody named Julien called.

280. Never mind. I just need to ask you a couple of questions.

281. One, can you help me out with this project we're doing?

282. And, two,

283. will you please invite me to your 30th birthday party?

284. What are you doing?

285. I'm making a test call to your phone to make sure it's working

286. so you don't miss any more calls.

287. You know what? Don't bother.

288. Maybe I'll just find an open window and plummet to my death.

289. Okay.

290. This isn't gonna work.

291. Okay, you did not just swivel away while I was talking to you.

292. This spaceship keyboard is driving me crazy.

293. I'm down to one word a minute, and the word is "perflipisklup"

294. because I can't fly spaceships.

295. Donna, you know as well as I do

296. these city manager shakeups always peter out.

297. You just have to wait.

298. Usually I'm with you.

299. But this is Chris Traeger, the six million dollar man.

300. He won't quit.

301. So you need to swivel your ass down to his office

302. and have a word with him.

303. Mommy. Oh!

304. That is so thoughtful of you.

305. Of course!

306. I just figured, hey, why not put my mother in a good mood?

307. So, it's my understanding that despite what I said in our meeting,

308. you have somehow increased your request for more school buses.

309. Excuse me, but I'm having coffee with my daughter.

310. Maybe we could do this another time.

311. No, we're gonna talk about this now.

312. Or if you'd prefer,

313. I could put a permanent freeze on the education budget.

314. It's your call.

315. Wow, maybe you should talk to him, Mom. He seems pretty self-assured.

316. There's nothing left.

317. It's over.

318. Hey, hey, hey, don't say that. Now, come on.

319. Get yourself together

320. and go out there and be the woman you always knew you could be.

321. Thank you so much.

322. Who was that?

323. I don't know.

324. I saw her crying, and so I helped.

325. What did you wanna talk to me about?

326. Look, Chris, I'm very flattered

327. you thought of me for this amazing opportunity,

328. but I don't really know if this gig is in my wheelhouse.

329. I tend to work best with young, attractive people.

330. Tom, I have made you a project leader.

331. This is a big deal!

332. You should keep an open mind.

333. Let your brain unlock the door to your heart's future.

334. I made that expression up when I was 14.

335. Still in use today. By me. Gotta jam.

336. You know what? It's just not possible.

337. And don't even bother trying to outflank me either,

338. because you will fail.

339. Where did all this confidence come from all of a sudden?

340. Hey, guys, come on. Let's relax.

341. You know, Ms. Griggs-Knope.. . Marlene.

342. There's probably a compromise here.

343. Compromise is usually a sign of weakness.

344. Yes, it is, according to Andrew Carnegie.

345. But your demands remind me of a different quote,

346. from the great Bill Watterson.

347. "You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw."

348. I love Calvin and Hobbes. Me, too!

349. I gotta say, this is some of my best work.

350. This could not have gone better.

351. They are really hitting it off.

352. Thank God. Crisis averted.

353. Well, I am very glad you came back up here.

354. Yeah, me too.

355. Yeah.. . So you have a deal.

356. Well, let me mull everything over,

357. and then we can reconnect and hash things out.

358. It might get rough, but that can be fun.

359. Ben can handle it. Yep, I can.

360. Okay, great.

361. It was a pleasure. Oh! Mmm-hmm.

362. What's so great is, she was impressed by you, too.

363. I mean, you could tell instantly.

364. The way you guys were connecting was really amazing.

365. Now, what I'm thinking is that maybe

366. we should go over to her house...

367. You two are just the cutest things on four legs!

368. But why so much black?

369. It's like you're going to a funeral.

370. She's got a point, babe.

371. So, marry her then.

372. I wish!

373. Hey, sorry to interrupt the love fest,

374. but can you hand me that folder there, please, Ethel?

375. Oh, great.

376. Why you gotta be like that, Ethel?

377. Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.

378. Stop laughing, Muriel.

379. Stop it!

380. I gotta say, I'm a genius.

381. The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes

382. is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy.

383. So, I made her a McSteamy-style music box,

384. and I thought maybe you could give it to her. She would love you for it.

385. I think maybe that's not such a good idea.

386. Why? I mean, it's not the best picture of him, but...

387. Your mom kind of,

388. um,

389. made a pass at me.

390. So, Webster's dictionary

391. describes a pork as a...

392. No, it's park... Park.

393. I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So...

394. You know what, can we start over?

395. Let's... Let's go from the first thing.

396. I said, pork, which.. . By the way,

397. they have a great pork sandwich in the cafeteria today.

398. Ron Swanson. Chris.

399. You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible

400. that it might ruin the entire department.

401. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

402. So, it pains me to say this.

403. My department has to go back to the way it was.

404. Give them time. They'll adjust.

405. No, they won't. They're miserable.

406. Tom only performs when there's someone to impress,

407. so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone.

408. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates?

409. Everyone.

410. And Jerry can only function if no one's looking.

411. You shine a light on him,

412. and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

413. Well, that's very perceptive, Ron.

414. And, very graphic.

415. I understand your point,

416. but there's no way that I can just roll over on this.

417. Okay.

418. You won't ever hear me say this again, so savor this moment.

419. I may have a compromise.

420. Look, she was just flirting a little.

421. I'm sure she's not really interested in me.

422. Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation.

423. The whole thing is screwed up now.

424. There's so many ways to destroy a bubble,

425. but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list.

426. And I'm sorry, I have to say this,

427. were you asking for it in any way?

428. No!

429. How were you dressed? Oh, my God.

430. I was wearing this. Here's what we do.

431. You issue a government-wide memo

432. about sexual harassment, and then you go to Mexico.

433. Just for a couple of weeks.

434. Where are you going? Ben!

435. Ben! Wait. Just... Hey...

436. Hi, Mom.

437. Hi again. Leslie and I are dating.

438. We haven't told anyone

439. because there's a rule against office relationships.

440. But it's happening.

441. I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee,

442. and I trust you won't tell anyone now

443. since it could get your daughter fired.

444. That is hilarious.

445. That's what we thought, too.

446. Well...

447. Four buses.

448. Two. Deal.

449. I like this one.

450. Me, too.

451. You keep your hands off him.

452. Margaret's pecan squares.

453. They are like crack. I brought you one.

454. How are you so happy working here?

455. I don't know, man. It's not that bad. A year ago, I lived in a pit.

456. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife.

457. And my band is so good,

458. and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

459. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

460. I read that once on a can of lemonade.

461. But I like to think that it applies to life.

462. I don't want lemonade.

463. It's too sweet and it makes my tongue feel gritty.

464. So maybe it's time for a change.

465. Starting now, when life gives me lemons,

466. I'm gonna slice them up into wedges

467. and throw them into vodka tonics,

468. which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub

469. that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

470. Here you go.

471. Thank you.

472. Kind of figured you'd be back in your office by now.

473. Well, you know how new city managers are.

474. Seems like everyone else is back to normal.

475. How long do you have to do this? A week.

476. Citizen request. Swivel, swivel, swivel.

477. Hello. I can help you in here, sir.

478. Oh, man, you're really screwing this up.

479. I'm gone for one day and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart.

480. Everything I built.

481. Jump up here. I'll show you how it's done.

482. See, your problem is you're thinking too much.

483. Wow. You're really good at this.

484. Yes. I am.

485. When I come back here in a few weeks,

486. I don't want all my regular customers to not be here waiting for me

487. because somebody screwed it up.

488. Huh?

489. Thanks.

490. No problem.

491. See you later, kid. Wow.

492. What a moron.