Parks and Recreation 3x13

1. So, who broke it?

2. I'm not mad, I just want to know.

3. I did. I broke it, Ron. No. No, you didn't.

4. Tom? Don't look at me.

5. Look at Ben.

6. What? I didn't break it.

7. Huh. That's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

8. Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

9. Suspicious. No, it's not.

10. If it matters.. . Probably not.

11. but April was the last one to use it.

12. Liar! I don't even drink that crap.

13. Oh, really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

14. I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles.

15. Everyone knows that, Jerry.

16. Okay, let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Ron.

17. No. Who broke it?

18. Ron, Donna's been awfully quiet.

19. Really?

20. Yeah, really.

21. Oh, my God!

22. I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it.

23. I predict ten minutes from now,

24. they'll be at each other's throats

25. with war paint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.

26. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

27. I need you guys to come to the Snakehole Lounge tonight

28. to help me with something. Yeah, no, tonight's not good.

29. No can do. I'm on a cleanse.

30. Please. This is important.

31. I'm launching my new high-end, Kahlua-style liqueur,

32. Snake Juice.

33. Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag

34. until its blood and guts came out.

35. What does Kahlua-style mean?

36. I mix a bunch of alcohol together,

37. I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk,

38. and it kind of tastes like Kahlua.

39. I can only drink warm tap water with cayenne pepper.

40. Fine. Then don't drink it. Just get other people to drink it, okay?

41. Meeting in one hour.

42. If you don't make it, you're on my Done-zo list.

43. Oh, what's a "Done-zo list"?

44. It means you and I are done-zo.

45. Hanging out, getting food together, done-zo.

46. You want to come over to my house and play video games? Done-zo.

47. Hey, Tom, you want to come play Putt-Putt with me?

48. No, we're done-zo.

49. Babe, we got to make that meeting.

50. I'm so glad we found the time to talk.

51. It feels like it's been forever.

52. I know. I've been so busy at the hospital.

53. Long hours, overnight shifts.. . I'm getting sick of it.

54. All right, let's start with the personal stuff. How's Jessie?

55. Who? The photographer guy.

56. Oh, yeah. We broke up. I didn't tell you that?

57. Mmm-mmm.

58. Why? I liked him. Yeah, I did, too.

59. I just... I couldn't deal with his face.

60. Huh.

61. Do you think I could get that book back that I loaned him?

62. Well, I'm technically out of the country.

63. So I would have to call him from a weird number.

64. Sorry. Never mind.

65. But I'm seeing this new guy, Mattias.

66. You would love him. He's a triple Pisces.

67. Oh-oh. Looks like someone's gonna be late for her meeting.

68. Race you.

69. Really? Isn't that a little childish?

70. Bye, Ann. Sorry, got to go. Hey, move! Oh!

71. Councilman Howser, sorry. Nice to see you as always.

72. Bye.

73. Welcome to Guerilla Marketing 101.

74. What is Guerilla Marketing?

75. A few ordinary schmoes, no offense,

76. have a casual conversation next to some guy

77. about how great Snake Juice is.

78. Next thing you know that guy orders a whole bottle of Snake Juice,

79. and he has no idea why.

80. April, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker named Jennifer.

81. Andy, you are also a boring beer drinker named Michael.

82. Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker.

83. Your name will be Jerry.

84. Ron is going to play our exciting Snake Juice drinker,

85. A.K.A. Brian Thunder.

86. Do you want us to memorize this whole script?

87. Ideally, but if you want to wing it,

88. your talking points are high-end, VIP, lifestyle.

89. All right, let's run through it once.

90. And action!

91. "The weather has been so weird lately.

92. "Hey, let me buy you all a drink."

93. "I'll take something basic like a beer."

94. "Yeah, I'm pretty

95. "boring.

96. "So I'll take a beer, too."

97. "Not me. I want this night to get K-razzy."

98. "Ca-razy." Like "crazy."

99. "I want this night to get crazy.

100. "Get me a shot of Snake Juice. I hear it has a dope aftertaste."

101. All right, that's gonna be a cut. Um...

102. Ron, you got to say it like you mean it.

103. I won't publicly endorse a product

104. unless I use it exclusively and I really believe in it.

105. My only official recommendations

106. are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers,

107. Morton Salt, and the C.R. Laurence Fein

108. two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

109. We need to find a new PR Director for the Health Department.

110. Dennis Cooper was fired today.

111. Why?

112. Short answer, he went bananas.

113. Long answer, his wife, Jan, had an affair, gave him a venereal disease,

114. and so he put signs about her all through City Hall.

115. I'm sure you've seen them.

116. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

117. "Jan Cooper will give you Chlamydia.

118. "Brought to you by the Pawnee Health Department."

119. "Chlamydia affects nearly 100% of Jan Coopers."

120. "The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper.

121. "Miss Chlamydia."

122. "Jan, I love you. Please come back.

123. "I realize that I'm not blameless here.

124. "Please.

125. "Brought to you by the Health Department."

126. "Re-elect Jan Cooper. Mayor of Whoreville."

127. Leslie, I want you to help us choose a replacement.

128. Parks and Health work closely together on outdoor programs

129. and exercise initiatives. Ann should do it.

130. Ann Perkins?

131. Pawnee is looking for a new PR Director for the Health Department,

132. and I submitted your name.

133. You have an interview tomorrow at 9:00 a.m.

134. 9:00 a.m. Wow. Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier.

135. I'm.. . Grateful. I know.

136. You can thank me later.

137. But first, you need to go over your homework.

138. These are all the health initiatives

139. the city has ever undertaken since the 1960s.

140. So you need to partially memorize that.

141. And it's gonna be a long night,

142. so I got you some energy drinks

143. and some chocolate-covered espresso beans

144. and the book Freedom by Jonathan Franzen.

145. Why am I reading this?

146. Because I'm almost done with it, Ann.

147. And I want to talk to you about Patty.

148. Okay, deep breath.

149. Okay. I've been a nurse for over 10 years.

150. It's not something you just quit.

151. I understand.

152. I just think with this new job, you could make a difference.

153. Make real change happen.

154. Plus, we'd be working in the same building.

155. No more lightning-round catch-up sessions.

156. It would be nice to have an office.

157. This is your destiny, Ann.

158. You don't want to waste away

159. at Pawnee St. Joseph Medical Center

160. and turn into her.

161. Ow!

162. Shut up.

163. And let's be honest, it would be nice to not have

164. to pull strange things out of people's butts every night.

165. You've mentioned that before. That doesn't happen that often.

166. It happened once. Just once.

167. That already is too many times.

168. I hate talking to people about things.

169. This is a nightmare.

170. I'm grouchy.

171. We have to support Tom. I don't want to end up on that Done-zo list.

172. Think about it as role-playing.

173. That makes it sexy.

174. That could be fun. Really?

175. Can I use a weird voice and try to freak people out?

176. Yes. Okay.

177. Then next time you see me,

178. I'll be a stranger.

179. Hey, Tommy. I'm really hoping this booze of yours is gonna sell,

180. because I am not going to take a loss on this.

181. Nothing this delicious will fail.

182. We'll see. Check back with me in a couple of hours,

183. I'll let you know how it's going.

184. Snake Juice! What? Here?

185. High-end, VIP, exclusive.

186. Hey, how's it going?

187. I think it's going okay.

188. People better buy this stuff, or else I'm gonna be screwed.

189. It's gonna be fine. People will definitely buy it.

190. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

191. Uh-oh, uh-oh. "K" to the "N" to the "O-P-E, "

192. she's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana

193. Why didn't you just stop at "Pawnee"?

194. Leslie Knope, seriously, you get sexier every day.

195. And that is not a line. That is for real.

196. Oh, Jean-Ralphio.

197. So you're here helping Tom?

198. Absolutely. And it's time to get that paper.

199. Get, get, get, get, get that paper.

200. Snake Juice sales are gonna be off the "churt."

201. Why? Because that "snizz" is straight up "dee-loy-cious."

202. Well said.

203. Well, I know tonight's gonna be

204. a big success, and I wish I could stay.

205. I really do, but I have to go help Ann.

206. She's gonna be up all night cramming for a big job interview.

207. She might be up all night,

208. but I think someone else is gonna be doing the cramming.

209. Uh-oh.

210. Hey. Hey.

211. I'm so happy to see you.

212. And I'm seeing you here.

213. Yes. Yes, I'm surprised.

214. I thought maybe you'd be home preparing for tomorrow.

215. Oh, well, there was way too much stuff

216. for me to read tonight, anyway.

217. I mean, it was a ridiculous amount of stuff that you gave me.

218. Oh.

219. But you are going in for the interview tomorrow?

220. I think so.

221. Uh-oh.

222. Is there enough room for some "man-aise" in this lady sandwich?

223. Oh.

224. Leslie, this is my friend Howard Tuttleman.

225. Oh, please. Call me "The Douche."

226. You probably know me from my morning radio show on 93.7,

227. "Crazy Ira and The Douche."

228. Yeah, I had met you before.

229. I actually was on your show once...

230. Wait! Were you on the show where we had that stripper do math?

231. Classic, right?

232. Hello, strange person who I have never met before.

233. Who are you?

234. I'm Janet Snakehole.

235. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?

236. Bert Macklin, FBI.

237. I was the best damn agent they had

238. until I was framed for a crime I didn't commit.

239. Stealing the President's rubies.

240. Now I work alone.

241. Lovely to meet you.

242. I got to admit, I thought your costume

243. would maybe be a little bit sluttier.

244. How dare you?

245. Nice.

246. Gentlemen.

247. Swan song. How you living?

248. Yes.

249. Why aren't you holding a Snake Juice?

250. I'm more of a whiskey man.

251. Ron-Ron, come here.

252. Come here for a bit. You're good right there.

253. Listen, you got to jump on the Tommy Town Express.

254. This guy has some of the best investment ideas

255. I've ever heard in my life.

256. Make a baby tuxedo clothing line.

257. A department store with a guest list.

258. White fur ear muffs for men.

259. A new brand of bottled water called H2-Ho.

260. Contact lenses that display text messages.

261. Invent a phone that smells good.

262. Own a night club called Eclipse

263. that's only open for one hour two times a year.

264. Cover charge, $5,000.

265. I can keep going.

266. How about this, Ron?

267. Try Snake Juice.

268. If you like it, you got to talk it up all night.

269. If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head.

270. Yeah, I'd like to see that. Hit me.

271. A lot riding on this.

272. Damn, if that isn't delicious.

273. "R" to the "O" to the "N"...

274. I say Swanson's got swagger the size of a Big Ben clock

275. Dude, you got to end it on the rhyme.

276. I know what I have to do. You had it at "Ben."

277. I know. I got it.

278. You think I haven't been around the world?

279. I've been everywhere, darling. I'm a very wealthy woman.

280. My husband's kept me in the finest clothes

281. from Bergdorf Goodman, you see.

282. Freeze! FBI!

283. No! Leave me alone!

284. Hands in the air!

285. I didn't kill anybody!

286. And I didn't burn down the mill either. My sister did.

287. But now she's been eaten by wolves!

288. Nothing to see here.

289. So how did you two meet?

290. We met at the supermarket.

291. I used my classic pickup line.

292. "If you're looking for douches, they're in Aisle Me."

293. Awesome. Yeah.

294. Oh, hey, by the way, I don't think I can get that book back

295. from what's-his-name.

296. Oh, that's okay.

297. I mean, I should've known better

298. than to loan something to one of your boyfriends.

299. They come and go so fast.

300. What are you saying exactly?

301. Well, I mean, let's be honest. How long is it gonna last with this guy?

302. Sitting right here.

303. I don't know. He's dumb, but he's fun.

304. Thank you.

305. I mean, that's the whole point of dating around

306. is you get to try on a bunch of different hats.

307. Well, this hat is an idiot.

308. Classic.

309. Leslie, are you mad that I came here?

310. What? No.

311. I'm not... Are you.. . You seem mad at me.

312. No, I'm not.. . I'm not mad at you.

313. I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at all.

314. Neither am I. No.

315. Looks like you two need to kiss and make up.

316. All right.

317. Hello. My name is Ron Swanson.

318. In general, I try never to speak with people,

319. but I have been drinking this Snake Juice thing,

320. and it's damn good.

321. You should buy it.

322. Yeah, okay. Thanks, man.

323. Son, you should know that my recommendation

324. is essentially a guarantee.

325. Drink this, now.

326. Traegermeister! You made it.

327. Yeah, I got your email. We need to talk.

328. First off, though, try a little Snake Juice.

329. It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol.

330. But don't worry. There's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.

331. I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

332. You emailed everyone at City Hall

333. and told them to come to a club

334. that you own to buy alcohol that you invented.

335. Government employees can't use their power

336. to enhance their personal wealth.

337. I totally get your point, Chris. It won't happen again.

338. I just don't see any way around it.

339. You're gonna have to sell your shares in the Snakehole.

340. No!

341. T-Pain, this guy bothering you?

342. This is my boss. Okay, yeah.

343. You want me to write a rap about your name?

344. Yes.

345. "B" to the "O" to the double "S,

346. do what he say, and you'll be successful

347. No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast

348. 'cause you're going too slow with Ben.

349. No offense, but I'm going slow because I might lose my job.

350. Okay, no offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse

351. for not acting on your feelings.

352. No offense, but I don't remember you having

353. a nursing degree in feelings.

354. Offense! That's rude.

355. I'm gonna go dance.

356. Douche, you're up.

357. Hey, are you okay? I heard yelling.

358. Yeah, I'm very angry, and I'm really drunk.

359. Do you want to dance with me? Go get me another "Snork Juice."

360. That's maybe not the best idea for you.

361. Forget it. Jean-Ralphio!

362. Yes, I'm here. Dance up on me.

363. Yes, yes, yes.

364. How's it going with her?

365. Um, well, nothing's going at all, really, because...

366. I don't know. I feel like I just did something wrong.

367. She doesn't seem to want to talk to me.

368. You should try role-play. That's what me and April do.

369. That explains the outfit.

370. Yeah, you gotta dream up some weird scenario

371. like you're her boss and sex is forbidden because she works for you.

372. That is our actual situation.

373. And she's addicted to spanking.

374. Okay. Thanks, we got it. We're good.

375. If you're worried about working with Chris, it doesn't matter.

376. He's fine with it. He said it wouldn't be weird.

377. You talked to Chris before you talked to me?

378. Excuse me!

379. This is my first fight with Ann, and it's a doozy.

380. But I believe that honest discussions between friends

381. can lead to deeper intimacy.

382. This is a watershed moment in our relationship,

383. and it's important that we fight clean.

384. All I need to do is focus and stay calm.

385. You're stupid, and you're drunk and you're stupid.

386. I don't understand how this is my fault.

387. It's not.. . Everything isn't your fault all the time.

388. Don't always make everything your fault.

389. Good! It's not all my fault. I'm not the stupid jerk.

390. I'm not the one who's being a stupid jerk right now.

391. I didn't mean it like that. You know I didn't mean it like that.

392. I just meant you were being stupid,

393. and you were acting like a jerk.

394. Look, I'm sorry that I thought about you for the job, okay?

395. But sometimes if I don't push you in the right direction,

396. you end up standing still.

397. I was just trying to do you a favor.

398. Enough with your favors, okay?

399. Stop.

400. Maybe we shouldn't work together, then.

401. Maybe we shouldn't.

402. Every time I cleanse,

403. I can literally feel the toxins leaving my body.

404. I know! I feel so much healthier.

405. I've still got a full week to go before the broth stage.

406. Mmm.

407. Pre-broth is an amazing stage. It's when you're most alert.

408. Good. Someone needs to be alert tonight.

409. This Snake Juice is basically rat poison.

410. Everybody's wasted.

411. You don't even know one thing. I didn't even say one thing.

412. And then she asked me the whole thing, and I didn't even do it once.

413. I'm like an elephant, okay?

414. If I walk into a room, it's like, okay, he's in there.

415. I'm gonna tell you, that bitch over there...

416. I'm gonna tell.. . I don't have to...

417. Bababooey.

418. Turn this music down.

419. Farts and poop and love and stuff

420. Macaroni salad

421. Is this everybody?

422. Ann took a cab.

423. Tom's in the trunk. Jerry's on the roof.

424. All right, where to first?

425. Your mother's butt.

426. I'm so alone.

427. If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car,

428. you're all walking home.

429. Leslie.

430. I'm here.

431. We have to go hire a new PR Director for the Health Department.

432. Oh, my God. I'm so hung over.

433. I've never been this hung over.

434. Are we dead?

435. I feel great. I ran five k this morning.

436. Really?

437. No, I threw up in the shower.

438. Top of the morning, everyone.

439. I brought some burgers and fries.

440. Eat up.

441. The protein soaks up the sugar.

442. First, you take the cow to the killing floor...

443. Well, I am out of questions.

444. Thank you. We will let you know.

445. Then our heads will explode, and we will die.

446. Oh, God.

447. I cannot believe that fight I had with Ann.

448. Look, I'm sure you guys can work it out.

449. I owe her, like, a million apologies.

450. I think I owe you one, too.

451. I'm sorry. For what?

452. I don't know.

453. Are you okay?

454. No, I'm sad.

455. Say, thanks, chum. Ugh.

456. I'll get those papers delivered for you.

457. Whatever.

458. Post-haste.

459. The doctor says it's probably not serious, but it might be.

460. Oh, Kyle, please stop talking.

461. Ring-a-ding-ding. Who's calling?

462. Oh, is it Janet Snakehole? Why, yes it is. And who's she calling for?

463. Mr. Bert Macklin, and I'll tell you another thing...

464. Going down thing.. . Going down the thing.

465. And there you go, you're going real fast now. And who's this sorry charlie?

466. This sack of potatoes?

467. Honey, please. I love you. No offense,

468. but Bert Macklin died last night

469. after the tenth shot of Snake Juice.

470. Okay, sorry.

471. Miss Snakehole.

472. You think I'd let you get away that easily?

473. Bert Macklin may be dead, but I'm his brother

474. Kip Hackman.

475. Why wouldn't you have his same last name?

476. Shut up, Kyle.

477. I know you boosted those paintings.

478. Maybe it was me, but I'll never tell you where they are.

479. And you'll never have my body either.

480. T, you don't even have to worry about a thing. Why?

481. Because I'm gonna keep those shares real tight for you.

482. Real nice and cozy-like.

483. Sorry to hear the news, Tom. We're gonna miss you around the club.

484. Hey, you own shares, too. Why didn't Chris make you sell?

485. 'Cause Chris doesn't know.

486. You know what?

487. Snitches get stitches.

488. Donna, come on. Don't.

489. I'm a natural moneymaker.

490. I got into government for the connections.

491. This was supposed to be a thing that led to the other thing.

492. It's like when Vin did Boiler Room.

493. That's what led to him being xXx and doing Furious.

494. And Furious. Yeah, I know.

495. Listen, I don't like all this negativity, man.

496. Why don't you turn that "frizz-own"upside-dizzity." Huh?

497. This sucks, man.

498. You're wearing snow pants.

499. I got home last night, and I thought I might go sledding.

500. Can I come in?

501. Yeah, if you're quiet. Okay.

502. Leslie doesn't know I'm here.

503. Oh, God. So high school.

504. I can't believe that Leslie and I got drunk in a bar

505. and fought about boys.

506. We're so much better than that.

507. I just keep having flashes of things

508. that we said to each other.

509. And she's so important to me.

510. I acted like such a dick.

511. I don't know you that well,

512. but you're clearly very important to Leslie

513. and that must mean you're a pretty great person.

514. I know she feels awful.

515. I mean, technically, we all do.

516. Yeah. What the hell is in Snake Juice, Demerol?

517. All I know is Leslie's always talking

518. about how lucky she is to have you as a friend.

519. And I just wanted you to know that.

520. You're nice.

521. I can see why she likes you.

522. When did she say.. . Likes me?

523. Oh, God. This is so high school.

524. Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom.

525. I'm sure she'll say yes.

526. All right. Thanks.

527. So let me get this straight.

528. Tom tries to get off the government teat, and we punish him.

529. That doesn't make any sense to me.

530. I'm sorry. Rules are rules.

531. I wish there was something we could do.

532. Ben, is there something we can do?

533. Damn it. Ben's not here.

534. Tom's not scamming anyone.

535. He's not savvy enough to manipulate the system like that.

536. He's just a kid chasing a goofy dream.

537. I'm sorry. My hands are tied.

538. Jan Cooper was a terrible wife.

539. I just want everybody to know that.

540. Thank you, Dennis.

541. But we can't give you your job back.

542. You sound just like her.

543. That was unpleasant. Yeah.

544. All right, who's next?

545. You came.

546. Yeah, I had some encouragement.

547. Your sweater's on inside out.

548. And backwards.

549. It's been a tough morning.

550. Lots of regret and shame.

551. That should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.

552. Well, this committee would like to ask

553. if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone

554. after they've behaved like a complete jackass?

555. This candidate could,

556. especially because this candidate

557. also behaved like a total jackass.

558. Please, don't worry about it. The committee totally understands.

559. Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position.

560. But first, I am gonna go throw up in a waste basket.

561. Would you mind if I joined you? Not at all.

562. Shall we?

563. Ann came in the next day and had a second interview with Chris.

564. Great.

565. She nailed it, of course.

566. But she doesn't want to totally leave her job.

567. So they struck up a deal.

568. She works at City Hall part-time,

569. and two days a week, she still gets to be

570. the greatest nurse in the world.

571. Win-win.

572. We need to remember what's important in life.

573. Friends, waffles, and work.

574. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn't matter.

575. But work is third.

576. So listen, Crazy Ira, check this out, okay?

577. I'm at this club last night just killing it, the Snakehole Lounge.

578. Oh, yeah, is that a gay club?

579. Hello?

580. Shut up, ass. Come on, man.

581. So I'm dancing on the floor with this super-hot chick.

582. Me so horny.

583. More like a dude, I bet.

584. Hello?

585. Did you wet your whistle?

586. I wish. Me likey.

587. No, no, no, no. She spent the whole night talking to her friend,

588. arguing about their feelings.

589. That's me!

590. Who knows? She's probably a lesbian.

591. They were in the bathroom a long time.