Malcolm in the Middle 3x7

Directed by Jeff Melman

Matthew Dunn as Young Dewey • Dillon John Dailidonis as Young Reese • Cody Estes as Young Malcolm • Cloris Leachman as Ida • Cloris Leachman as Ida Welker

When Malcolm and his brothers destroy their Christmas tree ornaments, Lois punishes them by canceling Christmas and moves all the presents into the garage. The only way she will reinstate the holiday is if the boys behave impeccably up to Christmas morning. Her plan works better than expected, and Lois is touched that her family responded so well to her challenge. Meanwhile, the boys decide that Lois could use this tactic for future holidays and retaliate by breaking into the garage and opening up all the presents. Elsewhere, Francis is forced to visit his Grandma Ida for Christmas.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. Reese's had the remote for four hours.

2. That's four hours of mindless crap in five-second increments.

3. You go to the bathroom, you lose the remote.

4. Fine.

5. I can wait.

6. I don't know.

7. You drank a lot of soda... it must really be pushing

8. up against the walls of your bladder.

9. Not going to work.

10. And then, I had four glasses of Dad's iced tea.

11. He just kept pouring... and pouring...

12. Not going to work.

13. The equivalent of three semi trailers of water

14. pour over the falls every second.

15. Not going to work.

16. Not... going to... work!

17. Turns out this is way better than anything on TV.

18. All right.

19. Turn it.

20. Turn it. Turn it.

21. No! Too far. Go back.

22. Back, back, back, back back, back, back...

23. Right there, there, there, there. There.

24. Okay, just three more inches clockwise.

25. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy.

26. Okay, back a couple degrees... couple degrees

27. And keep 'er steady.

28. Steady... yeah!

29. There. Perfect.

30. Oh.

31. These needles here are going against the grain.

32. That's all I'm going to be able to look at.

33. Don't move.

34. Just spend a couple of days with Grandma.

35. You can leave right after Christmas.

36. I am not visiting that woman.

37. She's evil and she hates me.

38. Francis, this is family.

39. This is Grandma's first Christmas since Grandpa died

40. and you live the closest.

41. How can you be so selfish?

42. Well, did you invite her to yourhouse?

43. She knows she's always welcome.

44. Hey, maybe we'll both get on a bus

45. and come down and surprise you.

46. Don't you threaten me.

47. I am ending this discussion.

48. You are going to Whitehorse.

49. You are going to the drugstore

50. to buy her a gift, and you are both

51. going to have a proper Christmas.

52. Aw, look at the little baby!

53. I hate you!

54. Get this off of me, you stupid son of a...

55. Boys!

56. Dewey asked us to do it.

57. What is wrong with you?

58. The tree is barely

59. in the door and already you're starting.

60. I can't leave you alone for even one second

61. without you trying to kill each other.

62. This is supposed to be a happy time!

63. I don't know what it is

64. but Mom freaks out about something every Christmas.

65. Ho-ho-ho!

66. Drop and roll, honey.

67. Who did this?

68. For God's sakes, drop and roll!

69. Maybe it's lack of sunlight in the winter.

70. I heard that messes up some people's brains.

71. Hi, Grandma.

72. For God's sakes, it's colder in here.

73. Don't you turn the heat on?

74. I'm not going to pay those pirates.

75. Of course not.

76. Well, in the spirit of the season,

77. let's begin this pathetic charade.

78. I never know what you're talking about.

79. You talk like a jackass.

80. You do this to torture me?

81. To hurt me?

82. You don't like Christmas music?

83. It sounds like a song they sang

84. when they would ride through the villages

85. and throw the babies into the fire.

86. They sang "Jingle Bells"?

87. They sang something.

88. Well, look at that— 8:00 already, way past my bedtime.

89. Where do I sleep?

90. You're sitting on it.

91. Does it turn into a bed?

92. Yes, it becomes a bed.

93. It's a special, magic sofa.

94. It opens up for magic, lazy boy

95. and angels come and feed you grapes

96. and sing to you while you sleep

97. and it flies around the room granting wishes

98. for boys what are stupid.

99. All right! It doesn't fold out.

100. Can I look yet?

101. Just a minute.

102. Hey, this is supposed to be to Dewey from both of us.

103. I picked it out.

104. I stepped in it.

105. Hey!

106. Hey...

107. Gotcha!

108. Uh, Mom.

109. How nice to see you home.

110. I have had it!

111. What are you doing?

112. I am taking everything.

113. Every present,

114. every decoration, every treat.

115. I am locking it in the garage.

116. Every single Christmas you scream or burn

117. or break or destroy, and I am putting a stop to it!

118. She's stealing Christmas!

119. Mom, you can't do this!

120. Yeah, this is the last year

121. Dewey will believe in Santa Claus.

122. What?

123. If you boys behave

124. until Christmas morning

125. there will be a Christmas morning.

126. Otherwise, these are going back to the store

127. and Christmas will be canceled!

128. You wouldn't cancel Christmas.

129. You're bluffing.

130. You canceled Christmas?

131. I'm not canceling Christmas.

132. I'm holding it hostage.

133. I know, it seems harsh,

134. but nothing else has ever worked.

135. Every year, we yell

136. we threaten, we bargain, we beg.

137. Maybe this time they'll behave.

138. We're in this together.

139. I'm playing the unity card.

140. But... The unity card, Hal.

141. But...

142. I love Christmas.

143. I know you do, dear.

144. Isn't there anything that trumps the unity card?

145. Hal...

146. I really think we can win this 'Nam thing.

147. Hey, that's not for you.

148. That's for the carolers.

149. You're ruining smoking for me.

150. You sound like you're dying.

151. You'd like that, wouldn't you?

152. You can't wait to get your hands on my things.

153. Oh, yeah, Grandma, I got big plans for these doilies

154. and I really want that can of peaches

155. that's been on your shelf for 30 years.

156. Don't touch my peaches.

157. Oh, like I'm really going to touch...

158. Stop your racket!

159. Decent people are trying to sleep!

160. You stupid music!

161. There is no figgy pudding for you here!

162. Please pass the syrup, please.

163. Thank you.

164. You are very welcome.

165. More coffee?Please.

166. I'll get it for you, Mom. That's okay.

167. Well, then, I hope you'll let us wash the dishes.

168. We'd love to! Absolutely!

169. Now, that, I'll take you up on.

170. I think we can do this.

171. It's Christmas Eve, and we've behaved for ten hours.

172. Okay, eight were sleep, but still.

173. We can make it through another 24, right?

174. Who wants the last waffle?

175. I do!

176. Oh, no!

177. You know, I would really

178. like that waffle.

179. Yes, but I am a growing boy.

180. Perhaps it would be best if I had the waffle.

181. Thanks for offering it to me, boys.

182. They are such good boys.

183. Ow!

184. God, what the hell is wrong with you?

185. You like pushing me?

186. That's what happens when you push, big, tough guy.

187. Can't you do the entire family a favor and just die?

188. All you have ever done is treat us like dirt!

189. You shouldn't even be allowed to be a grandma.

190. Are you finished?

191. Yes, I am...

192. Oh, I am so sorry.

193. Oh...

194. I should have kissed your boo-boos and made them better.

195. I was supposed to tell

196. the bad little boy stories

197. and bake you giant sugar cookies

198. and knit you nice, fluffy sweaters.

199. I should have carried you and held you

200. and told you how much I loved your diapers.

201. Why don't you just unhinge your jaw and finish me off?

202. After my Magnum, P.I.

203. Lois! I'm home!

204. Now, honey,

205. I know I'm not supposed to do this

206. but I saw something in the store today

207. and I had to get it for you.

208. It's a little more than

209. we agreed we would spend on each other

210. but I figured hey, it's Christmas.

211. We have the whole rest of the year to follow the rules.

212. It's beautiful.

213. I mean, isn't that what this season is all about?

214. You know, relaxing, enjoying things, making people happy?

215. Hal, that's so sweet and thoughtful.

216. I hope I get to open it.

217. Rats!

218. You're doing it all wrong.

219. You have seven ornaments.

220. I'm putting them on your tree.

221. How could I do it wrong?

222. Go get the angel off mantel.

223. Who's this?

224. That is your grandfather, when he was young man.

225. Ugh! Tell me that eyebrow thing isn't genetic.

226. You and him— both the same.

227. Always had to have your own way;

228. nothing ever good enough.

229. Always have to fight everything.

230. Victor always had to be so independent.

231. Left home when he was 11, lived on his own.

232. Got work on a farm

233. plowing the fields, like a man.

234. Worked 18 hours a day.

235. Had to sleep with the pigs

236. but he never complained.

237. He was strong.

238. He made something of himself.

239. Nobody's like that anymore.

240. Everybody's too soft.

241. Hey, Grandma, why don't you let me help you with that?

242. Your grandfather was tough.

243. He didn't take anything from anybody.

244. He was... proud.

245. A man of... honor.

246. He was a wonderful...

247. wonderful man.

248. Victor...

249. du kaya mischna...

250. Grandma?

251. Grandma?

252. Oh!

253. Oh, God!

254. Ugh!

255. Just one more night.

256. We can get through one night.

257. We should be proud of ourselves.

258. Everything's put away.

259. We haven't had a single fight.

260. We did it.

261. We're going to get presents?

262. We're going to get presents.

263. What do we do now?

264. I guess we could take a nap.

265. Or maybe play quietly—

266. very quietly.

267. Shut up, Petey, shut up!

268. God, I'll be so glad when Christmas is over.

269. Yeah, we'll be safe for another year.

270. Mom's doing this next Christmas?

271. Why wouldn't she?

272. It worked, didn't it?

273. And what if it's not just Christmas?

274. What do you mean?

275. What if she does it for other things

276. like Halloween or Fourth of July?

277. Or our birthdays?

278. She can't do this!

279. I can't take it anymore.

280. We have to do something to stop her.

281. Something drastic.

282. I'm in.

283. Mom needs to know

284. she can't take special occasions hostage.

285. She needs to know we don't negotiate.

286. She turned a beautiful family holiday

287. into a nightmare.

288. It's time we show her the true spirit of Christmas.

289. Now, before you say anything, I don't want you

290. to think of this as Christmas cider.

291. This is nondenominational "winter" cider.

292. Though the boys are doing so well, I...

293. Lois?

294. I'm a terrible mother.

295. I shouldn't be allowed to have children.

296. Oh, sweetie...

297. I ruined Christmas.

298. What do you mean?

299. The boys are behaving like I never knew they could behave.

300. I thought that's what you wanted.

301. Yeah, but I didn't want it like this.

302. I wanted to take it back five minutes

303. after I starting grabbing those presents,

304. but I didn't know how.

305. I'm a monster.

306. No, no, you're not monster.

307. I am. I really am.

308. No, you're not a monster.

309. Why don't you just admit I'm a monster!

310. All right, in this particular case,

311. you're a monster.

312. I know.

313. Just let the machine get it.

314. Come on, you know how when you cry it makes me cry.

315. You are a wonderful mother.

316. And you're a wonderful person.

317. Hey, Mom, it's Francis.

318. I just want you to know that I am disgusted

319. with the way you treat Grandma.

320. Abandoning a helpless old woman at Christmas.

321. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.

322. I am. I am.

323. Hal, the boys don't deserve this.

324. I mean, they're a little high-spirited

325. but they're good, good boys.

326. God, this feels so right.

327. This is way better than real Christmas.

328. Remember, mess them up just enough

329. so mom can't return them.

330. Wait a minute.

331. Mom got me the exact video game I asked for.

332. These are better than what I asked for.

333. You know what?

334. Mom got me everything I wanted.

335. Me, too.

336. She listened to us.

337. Okay, so she got lucky a few times.

338. I never asked for a stupid globe.

339. That's mine.

340. The cleats are yours.

341. Oh.

342. Mom really tried this year.

343. All she wanted was a nice Christmas

344. and we ruined it.

345. In all fairness, we ruin everything.

346. Remember how happy we were a minute ago?

347. How do we go back?

348. I don't know.

349. Do we have any paint left?

350. No.

351. Oh, well.

352. What are you doing?

353. I'm doing you a favor,

354. so why don't you shut up and enjoy it.

355. What is this?

356. Oh, you don't want to look in there.

357. It's too sad.

358. No, Grandma,

359. what are all these things?

360. I mean, look at this.

361. There must be, like, a thousand dollars worth of stuff in here.

362. $2,735.

363. $4,500 Canadian.

364. What are they doing in your closet?

365. They're gifts.

366. For the family, for relatives, for friends.

367. But you never give presents. You...

368. Oh, my God, Donatello with pizza-throwing action.

369. I wanted one of these when I was six.

370. I know you did. I bought that for you.

371. No, you didn't.

372. Yes, I did.

373. And then, right before Christmas,

374. your Mommy put you on the phone

375. you called me "poopie" and hung up.

376. Is that the bread maker Mom was asking for last year?

377. If she wants bread so much

378. she should write back

379. when her mother writes to her.

380. Oh, this was for Cousin Nikola.

381. I spent a day shopping for it.

382. Then she marries a Protestant.

383. That camera, for your father,

384. right before he refused to drive me to the liquor store— ugh!

385. All the nice things I do for people.

386. Oh, my God, you're crazy!

387. I just thought you were evil, but you are nuts!

388. What are you talking about?

389. Gifts aren't conditional— they're gifts!

390. You give them to people because you love them.

391. They're not something you can take away

392. because of some petty slight.

393. You're not teaching people anything.

394. You haven't gotten back at them.

395. They don't even know they've upset you.

396. All you have done here is-is...

397. constructed a monument to your own insanity!

398. What kind of a person does that?

399. A lonely...

400. bitter... old woman.

401. What?

402. Look what I've done.

403. What use is all these things to me now?

404. They could have brought someone some happiness;

405. instead, they rot here.

406. Grandma? My hea... heart.

407. I... I think it's melting.

408. Yes... it's melting.

409. Oh... you showed me the way...

410. Francis, by yelling at me.

411. Quick, go get my magic sled

412. and me and my reindeers will go and give Christmas

413. to all the mean, stupid, rude people.

414. We'll all join hands and sing songs.

415. And we'll sprinkle

416. the ingrates with fairy dust

417. and my...

418. Are you sure you want to do this?

419. Yes. I don't know what I was thinking;

420. taking presents away from children?

421. What kind of a sick person does that?

422. Look, I just want to get everything out of the garage

423. set it up in the house, and have a nice Christmas.

424. You know what?

425. Why don't we wake up the boys and have Christmas tonight?

426. I can't wait to see the look on their sweet little faces.

427. Well, Hal, that was...

428. smart of you to wake up the boys

429. so they could help us carry in the presents.

430. Yes... yes... uh...

431. well, come on, come on, hurry up, boys.

432. Yeah. Sure. Okay.

433. I'll cut off his hands and stick them in his kakooshnyik.

434. Yoric greblech!

435. Roller skates!

436. Oh, I hope you like them, sweetie.

437. Ooh, I think we have another present here for Reese.

438. I wonder what it is.

439. This really is the best Christmas we've ever had.

440. I don't know why we didn't try

441. this whole denial thing a long time ago.