1. REESE: This is stupid.Copy !req
2. We didn't do anything.Copy !req
3. What do we need
a psychiatrist for?Copy !req
4. I don't want to hear it.Copy !req
5. We need professional help.Copy !req
6. Hello.Copy !req
7. Hi, thanks for
squeezing us in.Copy !req
8. Why do we all
have to be here?Copy !req
9. He's the one that's
afraid of beingCopy !req
10. attacked by a shark
in the shower!Copy !req
11. At least he doesn't
walk in his sleepCopy !req
12. and pee on the TV!Copy !req
13. At-at-at-at-at!Copy !req
14. My wife told you about the car?Copy !req
15. Yes, the joyriding incident.Copy !req
16. $700 worth of damage!Copy !req
17. Look, we are at our wit's end
with these boys.Copy !req
18. I am authorizing you to do
whatever it takes.Copy !req
19. Drugs, brainwashing,
electroshock...Copy !req
20. Maybe I'll start with
talking to them.Copy !req
21. You're the expert.Copy !req
22. You do whatever the doctor says.Copy !req
23. You better be cured
when I get back.Copy !req
24. Well, looks like we have
some work to do, don't we?Copy !req
25. Take a seat.Copy !req
26. So, let's go over
the ground rules.Copy !req
27. This is a safe zone.Copy !req
28. What that means is
when one of you talks,Copy !req
29. everybody listensCopy !req
30. and listening does not include
interrupting, name-calling,Copy !req
31. or passing judgment on
what was just said.Copy !req
32. That way everybody can say
what they wantCopy !req
33. and feel okay about it.Copy !req
34. Can I have a piece of candy?Copy !req
35. No.Copy !req
36. This is ridiculous.Copy !req
37. We didn't take their car out.Copy !req
38. We were watching TV all night.Copy !req
39. We were being good.Copy !req
40. I mean, I had some stuff
scheduled for later, but...Copy !req
41. There was a lot of damage done
to that car.Copy !req
42. Somebody else
must haveCopy !req
43. driven it, 'cause it wasn't us.Copy !req
44. Okay, let's back up.Copy !req
45. Let's talk about the home.Copy !req
46. It's a dump.
There's a leak in the roofCopy !req
47. right over my bed.Copy !req
48. No, no, I mean I'd like to know
about your family life.Copy !req
49. Look, don't analyze us.Copy !req
50. You can poke and prod and delve
all you want,Copy !req
51. but you're not going to find
any psychological issues, okay?Copy !req
52. We're normal!Copy !req
53. I hate my brothers.Copy !req
54. I only like me.Copy !req
55. I hate my brothers.Copy !req
56. I only like me.Copy !req
57. I hate my brothers...Copy !req
58. Stop it right now!
I mean it!Copy !req
59. When are you going to be done?Copy !req
60. Soon as I can, honey.Copy !req
61. I said stop it!Copy !req
62. I hate my brothers.Copy !req
63. I only like me.Copy !req
64. I hate my brothers.Copy !req
65. I only like me.Copy !req
66. Five Across:
"My Mother the... blank."Copy !req
67. What'd you do?Copy !req
68. What?Copy !req
69. Don't give me that.
What'd you do?Copy !req
70. Nothing.Copy !req
71. Mom, I'm trying to study.Copy !req
72. Oh.Copy !req
73. Then I'm sure
you don't mind if I, uh...Copy !req
74. took a look in here!Copy !req
75. Mom, I'm telling you,Copy !req
76. we didn't do anything.Copy !req
77. Oh, you boys
are up to something.Copy !req
78. I can smell it.Copy !req
79. If you've broken another windowCopy !req
80. it is going to come
out of your...Copy !req
81. Are you done?Copy !req
82. You want to frisk me?Copy !req
83. You just consider
yourselves lucky.Copy !req
84. This time.Copy !req
85. That was close.Copy !req
86. Our only problem isCopy !req
87. our parents think we're
lying and we're not.Copy !req
88. Hey, a breakthrough.Copy !req
89. You're obviously
a very bright young man.Copy !req
90. Would you like to spend
the rest of the hourCopy !req
91. telling me how bright you are?Copy !req
92. Okay, let's talk about
your parents.Copy !req
93. Now, if you had to describe them
in a few words,Copy !req
94. how would you do that?Copy !req
95. I don't know.Copy !req
96. Mom is... Mom.Copy !req
97. Everybody up!Copy !req
98. I have to do laundry
before work!Copy !req
99. I am taking breakfast off
the table in five minutes!Copy !req
100. And Dad's...Copy !req
101. What is Dad?Copy !req
102. Who wants to make
five bucks?Copy !req
103. How?I need someone to take the fall.Copy !req
104. Oh, my God.Copy !req
105. What did you do?Copy !req
106. I can't tell you.Copy !req
107. Yes or no, no questions asked.Copy !req
108. Oh, my God!Copy !req
109. Make it ten.Copy !req
110. Done.Copy !req
111. Oh, my God!Copy !req
112. You're a good son.Copy !req
113. I got him, honey!Copy !req
114. I got him, don't worry!Copy !req
115. And you have another brother,
Francis?Copy !req
116. Yeah. Did they tell you
what they did to him?Copy !req
117. It's a classic firstborn
scenario.Copy !req
118. A free and easy couple
suddenly has a kidCopy !req
119. and their whole world's
turned upside down,Copy !req
120. and even after
there's other kids,Copy !req
121. the oldest one
becomes a symbolCopy !req
122. for everything that's
wrong in their livesCopy !req
123. through no fault
of his own.Copy !req
124. Dad, I know what
you're going to say,Copy !req
125. and believe me,
I totally agree with you.Copy !req
126. There is no excuse
for what I did.Copy !req
127. It was idiotic, immature,
totally recklessCopy !req
128. and I'm really sorry.Copy !req
129. I'm just...
I'm hoping against hopeCopy !req
130. that you will give me
another chance, which I admitCopy !req
131. I don't deserve,Copy !req
132. but if you could just find it
in your heart to forgive me,Copy !req
133. I know I could
earn your trust back.Copy !req
134. They had it out for him
from the start.Copy !req
135. Boy, you guys really have a lot
of issues with your parents.Copy !req
136. Do you ever discuss any of this
with them?Copy !req
137. You never tell your parents
your feelings?Copy !req
138. We try. Two weeks ago,Copy !req
139. I put some newspapers in
the blender and set it on fire.Copy !req
140. That was totally a cry for help.Copy !req
141. I mean talk, with words.Copy !req
142. You know,
talk about the subject at hand?Copy !req
143. You know, a lot of families
do that around the dinner table.Copy !req
144. That can be a really good
environmentCopy !req
145. for sharing your feelings.Copy !req
146. Great pancakes, Dad.Copy !req
147. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
148. Hey, who's ready for seconds?Copy !req
149. I am.Copy !req
150. Here are the house rules:Copy !req
151. You can't reach for secondsCopy !req
152. until you're finished with
your firstsCopy !req
153. but as soon as anybody's forkCopy !req
154. leaves the perimeter of
their plate,Copy !req
155. all bets are off.Copy !req
156. It's mine!Copy !req
157. And then there's
a big explosionCopy !req
158. and lots of bubbles.Copy !req
159. That's where
babies come from.Copy !req
160. Oh, well, you know,
close enough.Copy !req
161. Look at this.Copy !req
162. I made a pea angel.Copy !req
163. Oh, you're a pea angel.Copy !req
164. Stop playing
with your food.Copy !req
165. Oh, Mom...Copy !req
166. Don't you dare.Copy !req
167. Relax. I wasn't
really going to.Copy !req
168. Then don't.Copy !req
169. I wasn't going to.Copy !req
170. Then don't.Copy !req
171. Well, don't accuse me
of somethingCopy !req
172. that I wasn't going to do!Copy !req
173. Interesting mood shift.Copy !req
174. It would take hours to explain
the psychology behind thisCopy !req
175. so let me just
put it this way:Copy !req
176. Dynamite.Copy !req
177. Kid with matches.Copy !req
178. You're going to throw that
at Mom?Copy !req
179. I wasn't going to!Copy !req
180. Geez Louise— Reese...Copy !req
181. Hal, I can handle this.Copy !req
182. Reese, I'm warning you.Copy !req
183. I wasn't going to,
but if you think I wouldCopy !req
184. then maybe I should.Copy !req
185. Oh, good,
now he's panicking.Copy !req
186. Just put the spoon down
and apologize.Copy !req
187. Okay, she gave him an out.Copy !req
188. Apologize for what?Copy !req
189. I wasn't going
to do anything!Copy !req
190. Just stop talking!Copy !req
191. Just stop talking
and let me think!Copy !req
192. Dad, do something.Copy !req
193. I got it.Copy !req
194. What do you think you're doing?Copy !req
195. I'm being cute and spontaneous?Copy !req
196. Don't do it.Copy !req
197. I wasn't going to!Copy !req
198. Who cares if they don't
believe me about the car?Copy !req
199. I've gotten this far in my lifeCopy !req
200. without anyone giving me
any creditCopy !req
201. so why should I expect anything
different now?Copy !req
202. Yeah, the guy who
leaves thumbtacksCopy !req
203. on the toilet seat
is so misunderstood.Copy !req
204. Please remember the
ground rules: there's no...Copy !req
205. You're the one who taught
me my name in French
was "latrine."Copy !req
206. Don't interrupt.You're the oneCopy !req
207. who sold my bike
for three bucksCopy !req
208. to Billy Watson the day
he moved to Canada!Copy !req
209. We don't... I'm the one who spit in Dewey's
cereal this morning.Copy !req
210. I mean...Copy !req
211. I drank that milk!Copy !req
212. I licked the bowl!Copy !req
213. I hate you!Copy !req
214. Oh, shut up, pit stain.Copy !req
215. Leave him alone.
You started it.Copy !req
216. Shut up! Shut up! You shut up!Copy !req
217. Stop it!Copy !req
218. This is not
how therapy works.Copy !req
219. You are going to respect
each otherCopy !req
220. and damn it,
you are going to respect me.Copy !req
221. You're going to behaveCopy !req
222. and we are going to continue
with this session!Copy !req
223. Understood?Copy !req
224. Stop it!Copy !req
225. This is a safe zone! Get off me.Copy !req
226. A safe zone!Copy !req
227. Stupid...Copy !req
228. Here is what you boys
need to know.Copy !req
229. You cannot break me.Copy !req
230. I've worked in prisons.Copy !req
231. I had a 17-year-old
serial killer hugging my kneesCopy !req
232. and crying like a little girl.Copy !req
233. Those aren't Fisher-Price
diplomas on the wall.Copy !req
234. I went to Harvard.Copy !req
235. I had a starring role
in The Mikado!Copy !req
236. My arms are tired.Copy !req
237. Don't give him
the satisfaction, Dewey.Copy !req
238. This is nothing.Copy !req
239. Mom makes us do this
out in the rain.Copy !req
240. Okay, you can relax.Copy !req
241. All right, let's try this.Copy !req
242. If you could pick one thing,Copy !req
243. about the way
your parents treat youCopy !req
244. what would you change?Copy !req
245. The biggest problem
is that they don't trust us.Copy !req
246. They just assume that if
they leave us aloneCopy !req
247. for two seconds,
we'll get in trouble.Copy !req
248. Nine days past expiration.Copy !req
249. Ugh.Copy !req
250. Expired two months ago.Copy !req
251. You don't have the guts.Copy !req
252. When was the
last Christmas
we had eggnog?Copy !req
253. I think before Dewey.Copy !req
254. It's all you, man.Copy !req
255. Bottom of the ninth...Copy !req
256. two outs... man on first.Copy !req
257. The windup...Copy !req
258. the pitch...Copy !req
259. Uh-oh.Copy !req
260. Oh, man, we're so dead.Copy !req
261. That's it, game over.Copy !req
262. Yeah.Copy !req
263. So I win.
What?Copy !req
264. Past the lamp is a home run.Copy !req
265. Two men scored.Copy !req
266. That was a foul ball.Copy !req
267. Are you crazy?Copy !req
268. It went right down the line.Copy !req
269. It was foul.
Shut up!Copy !req
270. You're home plate,
you don't get a vote.Copy !req
271. Do over.
Fine by me.Copy !req
272. Oh, crap!Copy !req
273. Now we really have to quit.Copy !req
274. Yeah.
But that was a triple.Copy !req
275. Get back up there.Copy !req
276. Let me ask you...Copy !req
277. how do you see yourselves?Copy !req
278. Reese, what do you think
your role in the family is?Copy !req
279. I guess I'm the bad boy.Copy !req
280. The one that ruins everything.Copy !req
281. Every family has that guy.Copy !req
282. The one that makes you cry,Copy !req
283. makes you hate coming home
at the end of the dayCopy !req
284. just knowing
I'm going to be there.Copy !req
285. It's a lot of work, but...
I guess it's pretty satisfying.Copy !req
286. What are you looking at,
monkey boy?Copy !req
287. Ow!Copy !req
288. Ow! Ow!Copy !req
289. Reese!
What are you doing?Copy !req
290. Help! Ow! Help!Copy !req
291. Mom!Copy !req
292. Help! Ow! Ow! Come on, cut it out,
cut it out.Copy !req
293. Help! It hurts! Ow!Copy !req
294. What the heck
are you doing?Copy !req
295. Honest to God,
you can't leave that kid
alone for five minutesCopy !req
296. without picking on him!I didn't do anything though.Copy !req
297. Go! He's lying.Copy !req
298. Whatcha looking at?Copy !req
299. Reese's report card.Copy !req
300. It is much better
than last time.Copy !req
301. Really?
Yeah.Copy !req
302. This time he used
the exact same brand
of pen as the teacherCopy !req
303. to change his grade.Copy !req
304. Look at that.Copy !req
305. He gave himself a C in
math instead of an A+.Copy !req
306. Yeah, subtle.
Nice attention to detail.Copy !req
307. He's really learning.Copy !req
308. Two months grounded?Copy !req
309. Three months,
scrubbing toilets.Copy !req
310. And how do you see
your place in this family?Copy !req
311. Well, I'm the favorite.Copy !req
312. You know, the one
everybody loves the most.Copy !req
313. The cute one.Copy !req
314. The one everybody looks out for
and gives presents to.Copy !req
315. And sometimes they even
make the birds sing to meCopy !req
316. or the clouds spell out my name.Copy !req
317. Come on!Copy !req
318. You said I could play.Copy !req
319. You have to go
down there again.Copy !req
320. No.Copy !req
321. Come on, you're the only one
that'll fit.Copy !req
322. No, I always
go get itCopy !req
323. and you never
let me play.Copy !req
324. We'll let
you play.Copy !req
325. We promise.Copy !req
326. Come on!
Throw it here.Copy !req
327. You promised.Copy !req
328. No way.Copy !req
329. What? Can't sleep?Copy !req
330. No, I have this
terrible feelingCopy !req
331. we've forgotten something.Copy !req
332. Trash, locks, lights...Copy !req
333. Oh, well.Copy !req
334. Whatever it is, I'm sure
it can wait till morning.Copy !req
335. Oh, boy.Copy !req
336. All right, son.Copy !req
337. Son, I think you've
learned your lesson.Copy !req
338. Okay.Copy !req
339. Thanks, Dad.Copy !req
340. We've got to stop
doing this.Copy !req
341. Hup!Copy !req
342. I try not to throw it
in their faces,Copy !req
343. but sometimes, you know,Copy !req
344. I just can't help it.Copy !req
345. What about you, Malcolm?Copy !req
346. What's your place
in the family?Copy !req
347. I don't know,
I'm the middle one.Copy !req
348. Well, really think about it.Copy !req
349. How do you fit in
with this family?Copy !req
350. Well... I...Copy !req
351. Go ahead.Copy !req
352. Well, I guess I...Copy !req
353. don't.Copy !req
354. I don't fit in.Copy !req
355. I mean, honestly,Copy !req
356. sometimes I feel likeCopy !req
357. I've just been dropped
into this familyCopy !req
358. from outer space.Copy !req
359. Well, that's interesting.
Now, how...Copy !req
360. Well, he's the one
that fixes everything.Copy !req
361. What?
Yeah, you know,Copy !req
362. he's the one that figures
everything outCopy !req
363. and solves
a lot of our problems.Copy !req
364. Yeah, kind of like that gay kid
with the scarf on Scooby-Doo.Copy !req
365. The leader.Copy !req
366. You guys think that?Copy !req
367. Well, sure they do.Copy !req
368. I mean, it's pretty obviousCopy !req
369. that you're the ring leader.Copy !req
370. What?Copy !req
371. It happens all the time.Copy !req
372. An intelligent, sensitive kid
with poor impulse control.Copy !req
373. I mean,
you're surrounded by peopleCopy !req
374. who don't challenge you
mentally.Copy !req
375. So you start to get bored and
you start looking for trouble.Copy !req
376. No, I don't.Copy !req
377. Isn't that what happened
the other night?Copy !req
378. You're sitting on the
couch with your brothers,Copy !req
379. nothing to do
but watch TV,Copy !req
380. thinking the only way to
end the crushing boredomCopy !req
381. is to stir up
a little excitement?Copy !req
382. He didn't do it. None of us did.Copy !req
383. You know, there's a lot of
options for a boy like you.Copy !req
384. I mean, there's
placement programs, camps,Copy !req
385. special schools...Copy !req
386. Wait. You want to send me away?Copy !req
387. You can't do that. He's our brother.Copy !req
388. Calm down.
I merely sug...
I'm not going.Copy !req
389. You can't make him do this.Copy !req
390. We're good kids.Copy !req
391. Oh!Copy !req
392. Oh!Copy !req
393. Hal?Copy !req
394. I'm late for work.Copy !req
395. Aah!Copy !req
396. Don't do this.Copy !req
397. You can't leave me
alone with Reese.Copy !req
398. I'm sorry,
but we're out of time.Copy !req
399. What is the deal with this door?Copy !req
400. Is there some kind
of baffling built into it?Copy !req
401. You have three very
special boys here.Copy !req
402. I'd like to sit down
with you and your wife
so that we can...Copy !req
403. Dad, do you knowCopy !req
404. what this idiot
wants to do?Copy !req
405. Malcolm, let me talk
to the doctor, huh?Copy !req
406. Maybe we ought
to speak privately.Copy !req
407. Sure. Boys,
go wait in the car.Copy !req
408. Where'd that come from?Copy !req
409. Hey, everyone all right?Copy !req
410. What?Copy !req
411. That's my car!Copy !req
412. I know I set the brake.Copy !req
413. See?Copy !req
414. Just like the other night.Copy !req
415. We didn't take it out.Copy !req
416. It just rolled out by itself.Copy !req
417. Then you boys
were actually telling us...Copy !req
418. the truth?Copy !req
419. You're a genius.Copy !req
420. Boys, let's go get you
some ice cream, huh?Copy !req
421. Listen, there's
a lot we have to...Copy !req
422. Oh, absolutely.Copy !req
423. You know, Doc, I have
no idea how you did it.Copy !req
424. And in just an hour.Copy !req
425. I'm putting in a
little extra for you.Copy !req
426. But...Copy !req
427. Thanks.Copy !req
428. Isn't it great to feel
like a family again?Copy !req
429. Genius.Copy !req
430. Move! Shut up!Copy !req
431. Stop touching me.Copy !req
432. I'm not touching you.
I was clipping on my tie.Copy !req
433. Whileyou were
touching me.Copy !req
434. Stop it.
Why do we
have to do this?Copy !req
435. Because we don't have a single
picture of us all together.Copy !req
436. That's ridiculous.Copy !req
437. We're a family, we should
have a family portrait.Copy !req
438. Well, Francis
isn't here.Copy !req
439. I'm not going to cough up
200 bucks to fly him inCopy !req
440. for one silly picture.Copy !req
441. Where's Dewey?Copy !req
442. Dewey,Copy !req
443. get out of there.Copy !req
444. That's not your family.Copy !req
445. You sure you want
"Autumn Leaves"
as a backdrop?Copy !req
446. It's more colorful.Copy !req
447. Ooh, "Space Shuttle."
Next.Copy !req
448. I have a coupon here
for one 8X10 and two
wallet-size for $9.99Copy !req
449. and that's what I want.Copy !req
450. I don't want the Golden
Moments CollectionCopy !req
451. I don't want the
Family and Friends
Collection;Copy !req
452. I don't want
the Lifetime of Love.Copy !req
453. I want one 8X10
and two wallet-size
for $9.99.Copy !req
454. Fine.Copy !req
455. We have an installment plan
if that would help.Copy !req
456. I brought a picture
of Francis.Copy !req
457. He's going to be
in the portrait.Copy !req
458. Cool, I'll hold it.Copy !req
459. No, I'm going
to hold it.Copy !req
460. Let go. I'm going to hold it. Come on.Copy !req
461. Dewey. Dewey, pants on, mister.Copy !req
462. I'm sorry,Copy !req
463. but this coupon's
expired.
What?Copy !req
464. It's expired.Copy !req
465. What you want will
run you $39.50.Copy !req
466. Ooh... "Lonely Beach."Copy !req
467. We're kind of
the lonely beach
family, right?Copy !req
468. Hal.Copy !req
469. But for another
five dollars,Copy !req
470. you can have the
"Instant Memories" set.Copy !req
471. That comes with double-
exposure silhouettesCopy !req
472. for the grandparents.Copy !req
473. Look, could you please just do
what I'm asking you to...Copy !req
474. I'm older! It was my idea!Copy !req
475. That is it!Copy !req
476. Get up!Copy !req
477. Get back!Copy !req
478. Come here!Copy !req
479. Go there!Copy !req
480. We are going to takeCopy !req
481. this picture,
and it is goingCopy !req
482. to be good.Copy !req
483. And that means no faces,
no tongues,Copy !req
484. no crossed eyes,Copy !req
485. no bunny ears.Copy !req
486. We are going to smile,
we are going to look good,Copy !req
487. it is going
to cost us $9.99Copy !req
488. and all of this
is going to happenCopy !req
489. by the time
I count to three.Copy !req
490. One, two, three.Copy !req