1. Fine, I'll go
to parent-teacher night.Copy !req
2. Hello.Copy !req
3. Hey, Stevie.Copy !req
4. The usual. We're on punishment.Copy !req
5. No good reason.Copy !req
6. We had the eggs,
we had the golf clubs.Copy !req
7. What'd she expect?Copy !req
8. Whoa! Really?Copy !req
9. I want that thing
spotless.Copy !req
10. I want to be able
to lick the bricks.Copy !req
11. When are you going
to lick the bricks?Copy !req
12. I want you to be able
to lick the bricks.Copy !req
13. I'll lick the bricks right now.Copy !req
14. This is the last day
of your punishment.Copy !req
15. Do you want me to
tack on one day more?Copy !req
16. All right. All right.Copy !req
17. Hey, Stevie's dad got
three extra ticketsCopy !req
18. to the demolition derby.Copy !req
19. Cool.
That's not even
the best part.Copy !req
20. We're going with StevieCopy !req
21. so we get the handicapped seats
in the front.Copy !req
22. Hey, Mom,Copy !req
23. can we go to
the demolition
derby tomorrow?Copy !req
24. Demolition derby?Copy !req
25. What? You want to go tomorrow?Copy !req
26. Yeah. Why not?Copy !req
27. Our punishment's
over tonight.Copy !req
28. You think we might have
something planned for tomorrow?Copy !req
29. Yeah, the demolition derby.Copy !req
30. Or could it be that tomorrow is
your father's birthday?Copy !req
31. Oh...Copy !req
32. We talked about this!Copy !req
33. Well, maybe Dad
can come with us.Copy !req
34. Yeah, we can get him
a ticket from a scalper.Copy !req
35. That could be our present.Copy !req
36. You're not going anywhere!Copy !req
37. You're staying at homeCopy !req
38. and we're going to throw
your father a birthday partyCopy !req
39. like we talked about.Copy !req
40. I have something
very special planned.Copy !req
41. Like what?Copy !req
42. It's none of your business.Copy !req
43. It's a surprise for your father.Copy !req
44. Honestly, I can't believe
you boys!Copy !req
45. You have to be forcedCopy !req
46. into celebrating
your father's birthday?Copy !req
47. You should be ashamed
of yourselves!Copy !req
48. You know what?
You don't have to yell at us.Copy !req
49. We can hear you just
fine if you talk in a
normal tone of voice.Copy !req
50. I'm okay
with the present system.Copy !req
51. Get back to work.Copy !req
52. I'm not okay with
the present system.Copy !req
53. How does she make me
say things like that?Copy !req
54. Oh, my God.
What is it?Copy !req
55. Francis is coming home.Copy !req
56. Really?
You're kidding.Copy !req
57. No. This is his itinerary.Copy !req
58. His flight gets in tomorrow.Copy !req
59. I hope this doesn't ruin
Mom's special plan.Copy !req
60. This is Mom's special plan.Copy !req
61. Why didn't
she tell us?Copy !req
62. Because it's a surprise
for Dad.Copy !req
63. And if we blow her secret,
Mom is going to kill us.Copy !req
64. So we just need
to keep our mouths shutCopy !req
65. and finish our work.Copy !req
66. Right.Copy !req
67. Come on, Dewey.
You call this clean?Copy !req
68. Don't touch that dial.Copy !req
69. We'll be right back.Copy !req
70. You've never seen anything
like this before.Copy !req
71. The demolition derby
comes to the fairgrounds!Copy !req
72. Tonight at 8:00
see Dr. Bob EdwardsCopy !req
73. and his '76 Impala station wagon
of death, destruction, mayhem.Copy !req
74. Big cash prizes.
Winner takes home $150...Copy !req
75. minus entry fee.Copy !req
76. Wagering prohibited
on the fairgrounds.Copy !req
77. Come if you dare.Copy !req
78. This is so unfair.Copy !req
79. Dad has tons of birthdays,Copy !req
80. but there's only one
demolition derby.Copy !req
81. We never get to do
anything good.Copy !req
82. Well, at least Francis
will be here.Copy !req
83. '76 Impala station wagon
of death!Copy !req
84. Yeah.Copy !req
85. Not bad.Copy !req
86. Still have a little snap
in my skin.Copy !req
87. For the love
of God,Copy !req
88. what did you do to me?Copy !req
89. What do you mean?Copy !req
90. All those sit-ups I did,Copy !req
91. all those miles I ran
every morningCopy !req
92. and this is how you repay me,
by looking like hell?Copy !req
93. You think I look bad?Copy !req
94. Please. The crow's feet,
the turkey neck?Copy !req
95. Okay. A few years have gone by.Copy !req
96. There's been
a little wear and tear.Copy !req
97. Wear and tear?Copy !req
98. You look like a puppet
of yourselfCopy !req
99. made out of cottage cheese.Copy !req
100. What are you talking about?
Check out the pant melons.Copy !req
101. They still do the trick.Copy !req
102. Well, sure, it's magnificent,Copy !req
103. but you're not going
to be ableCopy !req
104. to coast on that forever.Copy !req
105. I postdate checksCopy !req
106. to the power company
all the time.Copy !req
107. Why is that suddenly
such a big deal?Copy !req
108. Look, I'm a little short
this monthCopy !req
109. because I spent a lot of money
to surprise my husbandCopy !req
110. for his birthday,
but next month...Copy !req
111. No, it was
a special circumstance.Copy !req
112. Look, can I speak
with your supervisor?Copy !req
113. No, don't put me on hol...Copy !req
114. Damn!Copy !req
115. Whoops.
Let me get those.Copy !req
116. Oh, there's one.Copy !req
117. Yes, I'm still holding.Copy !req
118. Do you have
to stay on the phone?Copy !req
119. Hal, would you please
just give me a minute?Copy !req
120. They're threatening
to cut off the power.Copy !req
121. It's a 24-hour number.
You can call 'em back.Copy !req
122. No, I can't!
Yes, you can!Copy !req
123. You know,
there was a timeCopy !req
124. when I didn't have to ask
for your attention.Copy !req
125. What? Yes, I'm still...Copy !req
126. I thought you were
getting the supervisor.Copy !req
127. A man likes
to be noticedCopy !req
128. when he walks
in a room, Lois.Copy !req
129. Boys, would you leave
the room a minuteCopy !req
130. so your father
and I can talk?Copy !req
131. No!Copy !req
132. Excuse me?Copy !req
133. I'm not leaving.Copy !req
134. You guys just chase us
out whenever you wantCopy !req
135. without even asking us!Copy !req
136. I'm getting
tired of it!Copy !req
137. Watching TV is the only thing
to do in this houseCopy !req
138. that's actually funCopy !req
139. so you're left
with two choices:Copy !req
140. You can either fight
somewhere elseCopy !req
141. or get us a TV
for our room!Copy !req
142. There's no reasoning
with that woman.Copy !req
143. I thought you made
some good points.Copy !req
144. It doesn't matter.
She doesn't listen anyway.Copy !req
145. It's like talking
to a wall.Copy !req
146. Hey, that's what we're doing.Copy !req
147. Just relax.
It's only for a couple of hours.Copy !req
148. When Francis gets home,
they'll forget all about it.Copy !req
149. We can get through this.Copy !req
150. We've been waiting
for 20 minutes, Lois.Copy !req
151. When can we eat?Copy !req
152. Hal, we have to waitCopy !req
153. for the ice cream
to loosen up.Copy !req
154. You know you like it soft.Copy !req
155. No, I don't.
Yes, you do.Copy !req
156. In fact, so do we.
We all do.Copy !req
157. Since when?Copy !req
158. Since yesterday.Copy !req
159. What happened yesterday?Copy !req
160. Dad, just be patient.
This isn't a witch hunt.Copy !req
161. Just calm downCopy !req
162. and whatever happens
is going to happen.Copy !req
163. What are you talking about?Copy !req
164. What I'm trying to say
is we're goingCopy !req
165. to get through this together
as a family...Copy !req
166. and as individualsCopy !req
167. in this great country
where we live.Copy !req
168. Thank God!Copy !req
169. Come on, Hal.Copy !req
170. What are you doing?Copy !req
171. Giving you your present.Copy !req
172. Ta-da!Copy !req
173. Happy birthday, Dad.
Francis!Copy !req
174. Oh, my God,
it's Francis!Copy !req
175. Oh, look at you!
Come here!Copy !req
176. I can't believe it!Copy !req
177. How long
are you staying?Copy !req
178. A few days.
Are you surprised?Copy !req
179. Surprised?
I'm in shock!Copy !req
180. Well, you should be.Copy !req
181. I've been planning
this for months.Copy !req
182. Thank you.Copy !req
183. Happy birthday, honey.Copy !req
184. Hold on.Copy !req
185. I've got another surprise
for you.Copy !req
186. Everybody, this is Piama.Copy !req
187. She's my wife.Copy !req
188. We're married.Copy !req
189. Hi.Copy !req
190. I was going to tell you
over the phoneCopy !req
191. and then I thought
why not bring her down hereCopy !req
192. and surprise you
in person?Copy !req
193. What do you mean
you're married?Copy !req
194. Piama and I are
husband and wife.Copy !req
195. We got married last week.Copy !req
196. Last week?Copy !req
197. Francis, who is this woman?Copy !req
198. She's my wife.
Her name is Piama.Copy !req
199. Hello.Copy !req
200. Well, come on.Copy !req
201. Isn't anyone going
to congratulate us?Copy !req
202. What?Copy !req
203. For getting married.Copy !req
204. That's what families do.Copy !req
205. I think I'm going
to be sick.Copy !req
206. Well, come on, Mom.Copy !req
207. You can at least try
and be and happy for me.Copy !req
208. I'm sorry, Francis.Copy !req
209. This is a hell of a thing
to dump in my lapCopy !req
210. on your father's birthday.Copy !req
211. Yeah, it's all about you, Mom.Copy !req
212. Excuse me for thinking
that my familyCopy !req
213. would be excited
to meet my wife.Copy !req
214. I can't believe you guys!Copy !req
215. Come on, Francis,
it's not their fault.Copy !req
216. What did you expect?Copy !req
217. You could have at least
called ahead of time.Copy !req
218. Boys, go to your room!Copy !req
219. What? What do you mean?
We're on your side.Copy !req
220. I said go!Copy !req
221. How long have you
known each other?Copy !req
222. You never mentioned her.Copy !req
223. I only met her
a month ago... today.Copy !req
224. Happy anniversary.Copy !req
225. Plus we had
the whole bus ride down.Copy !req
226. A month?
I misjudged you.Copy !req
227. You know, come to think of it,
that's the longestCopy !req
228. you ever stuck with anything
in your life.Copy !req
229. Congratulations.Copy !req
230. You outlasted
his paper route.Copy !req
231. Lady, you don't want
to stick your hand
in my face.Copy !req
232. Hey, everybody,
let's just calm down.Copy !req
233. We are calm!
It's Mom who's flipping out!Copy !req
234. Oh, Francis, I haven't
even started to flip out!Copy !req
235. Why can't you just
be happy for us?Copy !req
236. We're supposed to be happyCopy !req
237. when you repay us
like thisCopy !req
238. after all
we've done for you?Copy !req
239. I'm confused!
Are we talking aboutCopy !req
240. the years of
psychological abuseCopy !req
241. or shipping me off
to military school?Copy !req
242. This family sucks.
They don't care
anything about us.Copy !req
243. They don't even listen to us.Copy !req
244. Let's get out of here.Copy !req
245. To the demolition derby?Copy !req
246. No. I mean,
let's really get out of hereCopy !req
247. and get away
from these people.Copy !req
248. Where are we going to go?Copy !req
249. Wherever
this takes us.Copy !req
250. I snagged it out of dad's wallet
this morning.Copy !req
251. You knew we were going
to need it tonight?Copy !req
252. Uh, yeah.Copy !req
253. I'm in.
Yeah, but...Copy !req
254. and stomp it into a bloody
pulp and throw it in the trash.Copy !req
255. Why do I even try?Copy !req
256. You've been nothing
but a problemCopy !req
257. since the day you were born.
Let's go.Copy !req
258. He's trying to explain
it to youCopy !req
259. if you'd just listen
to him for once!Copy !req
260. Why are you talking?
Why are you talking?Copy !req
261. Can we just stop this?Copy !req
262. Let's get in the car
and go for a drive to cool off.Copy !req
263. We can still have
a nice birthday party.Copy !req
264. Oh, we are long past
having a nice birthday party!Copy !req
265. As usual, Francis has
taken somethingCopy !req
266. that should have been sweet
and ruined it!Copy !req
267. Don't pin this on me!Copy !req
268. I am completely willing
to have a party right now!Copy !req
269. Oh, you want to have a party?
Happy damn birthday!Copy !req
270. Hey, why don't we all have
some cake?Copy !req
271. We don't want to be a part
of this family anymoreCopy !req
272. so we're leaving.Copy !req
273. Oh, great, Mom!
Here we go with
the dramatics!Copy !req
274. Who else wants cake?Copy !req
275. Thank you.
You're welcome.Copy !req
276. Who wants some delicious
damn cake?Copy !req
277. Can Piama have a rose?Copy !req
278. Why not? There's plenty
to go around!Copy !req
279. I'm the one who broke
the ice-maker last year!Copy !req
280. Why do you have
to ruin everything?Copy !req
281. Well, I learned from
the best, Mom!Copy !req
282. Wow, I've never been
in a hotel this fancy before.Copy !req
283. This isn't a hotel, Dewey.Copy !req
284. It's our new home.Copy !req
285. Okay, let me do
all the talking.Copy !req
286. May I help you?Copy !req
287. My dad called in
a reservation.Copy !req
288. Okay...Copy !req
289. There you are.Copy !req
290. As soon as your
dad signs this,Copy !req
291. you're all set.Copy !req
292. Oh, he's out
at the car,Copy !req
293. but we can
take care of it.Copy !req
294. Maybe you want to have a seatCopy !req
295. and we'll just wait
for your dad.Copy !req
296. Is there any way
we could speed this along?Copy !req
297. My little brother
isn't feeling very well.Copy !req
298. Yeah, my dad's going
to be a while out there.Copy !req
299. He's cleaning the car
where Dewey got sick.Copy !req
300. I'm sorry, but
an adult needs to
sign for the room.Copy !req
301. Look, he's really sick.Copy !req
302. He could blow any second.Copy !req
303. He doesn't look that sick to me.Copy !req
304. Dewey, that was amazing.Copy !req
305. They ran out of barf dust.Copy !req
306. I'm hungry.Copy !req
307. I bet you are.Copy !req
308. How do you guys
want your steaks?Copy !req
309. Should we look in the park?Copy !req
310. No, nobody goes there anymore
since they put the lights in.Copy !req
311. Oh.Copy !req
312. Why didn't you tell us
you were getting married?Copy !req
313. I don't know, Dad.Copy !req
314. It just happened kind of fast.Copy !req
315. How can you know anyone
in a month?Copy !req
316. Dad, I knew in a minute.Copy !req
317. Trust me, Piama is the one.Copy !req
318. She's a little fieryCopy !req
319. but she's also kind and funny
and completely real.Copy !req
320. You just haven't gotten
to know the real Piama.Copy !req
321. And whose fault is that?Copy !req
322. I know, I know, but that's
why I brought her down with meCopy !req
323. so everyone would
get to know her.Copy !req
324. It wasn't supposed to turn
into the apocalypse.Copy !req
325. And what about you and Mom?Copy !req
326. You got married pretty quick.Copy !req
327. Yes, but I was
a few years older.Copy !req
328. I had already been
with a lot of...Copy !req
329. I had lived a full life.Copy !req
330. So you were older.Copy !req
331. I just happened to run into
the exact right person for meCopy !req
332. a little earlier
than you did.Copy !req
333. Once you meet
that person, why wait?Copy !req
334. Huh? Why not do it if I'm sure?Copy !req
335. Should I not do it because
my family's not sure?Copy !req
336. It wouldn't matter if
the wedding was last weekCopy !req
337. or next week or
ten years from now,Copy !req
338. you and Mom still would have
had a problem with it.Copy !req
339. All my life...Copy !req
340. I would have come, Francis.
What?Copy !req
341. If you had invited me,
I would have come.Copy !req
342. No, you...Copy !req
343. I'm sorry.Copy !req
344. Didn't I tell you
flowers were a great idea?Copy !req
345. Okay, we're all set.Copy !req
346. You have the Plaza Burger,
the Maine lobster,Copy !req
347. medium-rare Porterhouse,
large platter of french friesCopy !req
348. and a complete dessert cart.Copy !req
349. Your parents certainly have
interesting taste in food.Copy !req
350. Yeah, they do.Copy !req
351. Actually, I'm going to needCopy !req
352. one of your parents
to sign that.Copy !req
353. I left the tip blank.Copy !req
354. Why don't you put in
whatever you think is fair.Copy !req
355. Bon appétit.Copy !req
356. Dewey, your dinner's here!Copy !req
357. Here you go, Reese.Copy !req
358. Thank you, Malcolm.Copy !req
359. So this is what
a $24 hamburger looks like.Copy !req
360. I thought it would be
as big as my head.Copy !req
361. Ah. Why don't we have
a Jacuzzi tub at home?Copy !req
362. Because that would
make us happy.Copy !req
363. You know what,
forget about that place.Copy !req
364. Tonight, this is our home.Copy !req
365. You got a lobster?
Yes.Copy !req
366. I think I deserve
a lobster.Copy !req
367. We all deserve
something nice for once.Copy !req
368. Whoa, this dinner was expensive.Copy !req
369. I wonder what Dad's
credit limit is.Copy !req
370. Let's find out.Copy !req
371. They should be home
with the boys soon.Copy !req
372. How's your tea?Copy !req
373. Fine, thank you.Copy !req
374. Sugar?Copy !req
375. No, thanks.Copy !req
376. That's a pretty bracelet.Copy !req
377. Thank you.Copy !req
378. What kind of stone is that?Copy !req
379. Turquoise.Copy !req
380. Francis got it for me.Copy !req
381. Oh.Copy !req
382. How was your flight?Copy !req
383. We took the bus.Copy !req
384. That's right,
I guess that's what Francis didCopy !req
385. with the money that I sent him
for his plane fare.Copy !req
386. Plus the bracelet.Copy !req
387. Let's talk about something else.Copy !req
388. You know, Francis isn't
the screw-up you think he is.Copy !req
389. Really?Copy !req
390. Did you know he works
16 hours a day at his jobCopy !req
391. and he still managed to buildCopy !req
392. a wheelchair ramp
for my uncle Jake.Copy !req
393. In fact...
I don't thinkCopy !req
394. we should talk about Francis,
either.Copy !req
395. Why not?Copy !req
396. He's my husband and your son.Copy !req
397. Needless to say, he and I haveCopy !req
398. a very long and complicated
history togetherCopy !req
399. that I don't feel like
explaining to you.Copy !req
400. Admit it.Copy !req
401. You don't like me.Copy !req
402. I don't even know you.Copy !req
403. Well, what would you like
to know?Copy !req
404. I'm 19.Copy !req
405. My mom ran off when I was threeCopy !req
406. and my dad kicked me
out of the house when I was 14Copy !req
407. because I threw out his liquor.Copy !req
408. I've been married
once before,Copy !req
409. no kids, thank God,Copy !req
410. and last year,
I spent three weeks in jailCopy !req
411. but it wasn't my fault.Copy !req
412. Will you stop this, please?Copy !req
413. You just can't standCopy !req
414. for someone in your fancy family
to marry beneath him.Copy !req
415. What?Copy !req
416. Just because
I'm not all classy like you.Copy !req
417. Classy?Copy !req
418. You think I'm classy?Copy !req
419. Don't laugh at me.Copy !req
420. I'm sorry.Copy !req
421. It's just, this is a first.Copy !req
422. I hate to break it to you,
but I am not classy.Copy !req
423. Oh, yeah.Copy !req
424. You know,
I guess what you call classCopy !req
425. I call manners.Copy !req
426. I came down here
hoping to get along with you,Copy !req
427. but you're not
going to let that happen.Copy !req
428. You might be surprised
at what I'd let happen.Copy !req
429. So, what's going to happen?Copy !req
430. I don't know.Copy !req
431. What is going to happen?Copy !req
432. Good news.Copy !req
433. The boys stole my credit card.Copy !req
434. All we have to do is call
the credit card company and...Copy !req
435. You want to come
outside, baby,
Honey, why don't we go...Copy !req
436. and I'll show you
my tree house?Copy !req
437. About time.Copy !req
438. We called for chocolate syrup,
like, 30 minutes ago.Copy !req
439. Hello, Malcolm.Copy !req
440. Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.Copy !req
441. Beat it, Vicky.Copy !req
442. We'll finish
the cuffs later.Copy !req
443. Okay, boys,
get your things.Copy !req
444. We're going home.Copy !req
445. No, we're not
going back there.Copy !req
446. Well, you can't stay
in this hotel room forever.Copy !req
447. What are you going to do—Copy !req
448. live under a bridge and
steal food out of Dumpsters?Copy !req
449. I don't know,
but we're not going home.Copy !req
450. We've had it with
the way you treat usCopy !req
451. and we've had itCopy !req
452. with all the yelling!Copy !req
453. You are a terrible influence
on us!Copy !req
454. All you ever do is scream!Copy !req
455. And order us around!Copy !req
456. There's something wrong
with this family!Copy !req
457. Families should haveCopy !req
458. some way of communicating
besides yelling!Copy !req
459. Okay, everybody,
calm down.Copy !req
460. I understand what you're saying.Copy !req
461. I am not going to yell.Copy !req
462. I am not going to scream.Copy !req
463. We are capable
of talking about thisCopy !req
464. without raising our voices.Copy !req
465. Now, boys,
I want you to understandCopy !req
466. I am sorry about
what happened,Copy !req
467. but you have to understand
I get a little emotionalCopy !req
468. when I learned
that my oldest sonCopy !req
469. was acting like an idiotCopy !req
470. and throwing his life away.Copy !req
471. Now, that doesn't mean...Copy !req
472. Stop talking
about him like that!Copy !req
473. Francis is my heart!Copy !req
474. Okay, we're even.Copy !req
475. Everyone's fine and there's
no need for escalation.Copy !req
476. Isn't it beautiful
when things work out?Copy !req
477. Yeah, I'd say this
has gone pretty well.Copy !req
478. I mean, considering we
got off to a rocky start,Copy !req
479. we couldn't have asked
for a better ending.Copy !req
480. Get your wife out of my sight.Copy !req
481. She called you my wife.Copy !req
482. That's progress.Copy !req
483. So Dad's birthday
wasn't that bad after all.Copy !req
484. He got a new back shaver.Copy !req
485. We got to eat cake
that was cut by a knifeCopy !req
486. and Mom has promised
not to yell at us anymore.Copy !req
487. Bye, Francis.
Bye, Malcolm.Copy !req
488. Happy birthday, Dad.Copy !req
489. Thanks, son.Copy !req
490. Piama.Copy !req
491. Lois.Copy !req
492. Anytime you want to finish
our little talk.Copy !req
493. I'd like that.Copy !req
494. Maybe I'll come for a visit.Copy !req
495. Maybe I'll come back down here.Copy !req
496. Anytime, anyplace.Copy !req
497. Okay, bye.
Uh, yeah, yeah, bye.Copy !req
498. Get back here,
you little weasel!Copy !req
499. Reese!Copy !req
500. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.Copy !req
501. It's all my fault.Copy !req
502. I'll clean my room
and do all my homework.Copy !req
503. We may want to go back
to the old system.Copy !req