1. I had a bad dream.Copy !req
2. It's okay, sweetie.Copy !req
3. Here, come on.Copy !req
4. Come on.Copy !req
5. It's okay now.Copy !req
6. What was your dream?Copy !req
7. I dreamed...Copy !req
8. there was this man...
outside the doorCopy !req
9. with a big knife...Copy !req
10. and he wanted
to tie everyone up...Copy !req
11. and kill them...Copy !req
12. and eat their eyeballs.Copy !req
13. Good night.Copy !req
14. Hey. What you doing
there, son?Copy !req
15. I have to prove Kepler's
third law of planetary motion.Copy !req
16. What's Dewey doing? He's coloring.Copy !req
17. Well, I'd better get
in there.Copy !req
18. Dad, there's this crazy guy
chasing me.Copy !req
19. He's saying I did
some horrible things,Copy !req
20. but I couldn't
really understand him.Copy !req
21. I think he's an escapee
from the mental hospital.Copy !req
22. I didn't hear anything.Copy !req
23. Hello again, Hal.Copy !req
24. You are not to step foot
outside of this houseCopy !req
25. except for school
for the next month!Copy !req
26. Okay. Wait a minute, honey,
he has to go outside.Copy !req
27. He's not done pulling weeds
from his last punishment.Copy !req
28. Oh, I think staying inside
with no TVCopy !req
29. is worse than weeding.Copy !req
30. I'm already banned from TV.Copy !req
31. You are?Copy !req
32. All right. Fine.Copy !req
33. No TV, no going outside
except for weeding,Copy !req
34. which you'll do at night.Copy !req
35. Inside.Copy !req
36. Oh, I got nothing.Copy !req
37. How long is this going to take?Copy !req
38. Oh, look, just...
go to your room!
Oh, you...Copy !req
39. Your father and I
will sort this out.Copy !req
40. Okay.Copy !req
41. We are not
getting through to him.Copy !req
42. Well, what else
can we do?Copy !req
43. We-We've taken away
television, video games,Copy !req
44. his music, fresh air.Copy !req
45. Lois, we have taken away
his air,Copy !req
46. and he doesn't care
about any of it.Copy !req
47. Well, we had better
come up with somethingCopy !req
48. before he winds up being
a problem for the state.Copy !req
49. I don't know,
maybe we should try somethingCopy !req
50. other than punishing him.Copy !req
51. Like what?Copy !req
52. Maybe Reese needs
more attention.Copy !req
53. Positive attention.Copy !req
54. When I was his ageCopy !req
55. I always wanted
someone there to talk to,Copy !req
56. to hang out with,Copy !req
57. be a role model.Copy !req
58. Oh, Hal, I don't know.Copy !req
59. Lois, that boy needs
a father figure,Copy !req
60. and I really think
it should be me.Copy !req
61. What is Cynthia doing?Copy !req
62. We thought
you would know,Copy !req
63. given your relationship.Copy !req
64. We don't have a relationship.Copy !req
65. It's okay... to feel.Copy !req
66. Shut up.Copy !req
67. Hey, guys.Copy !req
68. Here you go.Copy !req
69. I'm having a party this weekend.Copy !req
70. Don't lose
those invitationsCopy !req
71. 'cause no one gets past my dad
without them.Copy !req
72. A party.Copy !req
73. An actual, non-self-delusional-
figment-of-my-imagination party.Copy !req
74. Is it your birthday?Copy !req
75. No, it's just
for socializing.Copy !req
76. You know, it's weird.Copy !req
77. I've been here
for a month and a half,Copy !req
78. and you guys
are the only friends I have.Copy !req
79. You're kidding.Copy !req
80. I'm serious.Copy !req
81. It may be hard
for you guys to believe,Copy !req
82. but some people have troubleCopy !req
83. making friends.Copy !req
84. Cynthia, are you sure
you want to sound so...?Copy !req
85. Man, I wish I'd thought of this.Copy !req
86. I know!Copy !req
87. It's going
to be so great.Copy !req
88. I'm finally going
to make some friends.Copy !req
89. What do you think,
Malcolm?Copy !req
90. It sounds great.Copy !req
91. It should be a...Copy !req
92. party.Copy !req
93. Fingers crossed.Copy !req
94. Yeah.Copy !req
95. All right.Copy !req
96. Hey, Eric, how's it going?Copy !req
97. You just missed your third
history deadline, Francis.Copy !req
98. I am not going to
Spangler's summer schoolCopy !req
99. because my partner blew
off his half of the project.Copy !req
100. Didn't you get my half?Copy !req
101. I slipped it under your door.Copy !req
102. Thisis your half?Copy !req
103. Yeah.Copy !req
104. This is my half!Copy !req
105. Well, if I knew you were going
to go so overboard,Copy !req
106. I would have spent
a little more time
on my section.Copy !req
107. You photocopied a page
out of the dictionary.Copy !req
108. Okay.Copy !req
109. I messed up.Copy !req
110. There's still time.Copy !req
111. When's this thing due, again?Copy !req
112. The 20th.Copy !req
113. And you're worried?Copy !req
114. We have over a week.Copy !req
115. My half took me two months.Copy !req
116. Okay, I guess I'm
just going to have
to buckle downCopy !req
117. and get it done, then.Copy !req
118. All right.Copy !req
119. I'll go to the library
and get some books.Copy !req
120. You stay here
and organize your notes.Copy !req
121. Sounds like a plan.Copy !req
122. 68 degrees.Copy !req
123. Perfect paper-writing
temperature.Copy !req
124. Let's get to it.Copy !req
125. I thought you said
we were trying
something new.Copy !req
126. That's right, we are.Copy !req
127. So this isn't
a punishment?Copy !req
128. No. Why
would you say that?Copy !req
129. 'Cause you keep
looking at me
and saying stuff.Copy !req
130. I am paying attention
to you.Copy !req
131. But, Dad, a cooking class?Copy !req
132. Come on, Reese,
open your mind.Copy !req
133. The art of cooking
is as masculineCopy !req
134. as any of
these other courses—Copy !req
135. judo, riflery, kickboxing.Copy !req
136. Anyone can fight,
but it takes a special manCopy !req
137. to craft a truly great
Bolognese sauce.Copy !req
138. I still feel like
I'm in trouble.Copy !req
139. Hi, I'm Cynthia.Copy !req
140. We don't know each other,
but I'm having a party.Copy !req
141. See how it says,
"8:00 till?"Copy !req
142. That means it
could go on
ad infinitum.Copy !req
143. See you there.Copy !req
144. Hi, I'm Cynthia.Copy !req
145. We don't know
each other, but...Copy !req
146. What is she doing,
inviting the whole school?Copy !req
147. I'm sorry. I can't
talk right now.Copy !req
148. I'm saving all my good
conversation for the party.Copy !req
149. For instance, there's
an interesting piece
in this month'sCopy !req
150. New England Journal
of Medicine.Copy !req
151. Hey, that's myanecdote.Copy !req
152. I hope...Copy !req
153. my wheelchair... fits in the...Copy !req
154. make-out closet.Copy !req
155. I hope you come
with an appetite.Copy !req
156. I'm serving cookies
shaped like famousCopy !req
157. Communist revolutionaries.Copy !req
158. Hi, I'm Cynthia...Copy !req
159. Uh... Cynthia, can I talk to you
for a second?Copy !req
160. Sure.Copy !req
161. Tell all your friends!Copy !req
162. How many people are you
inviting to your party?Copy !req
163. God, who knows?Copy !req
164. I left a stack of invitations
at the libraryCopy !req
165. and a stack at the arcade.Copy !req
166. I figure people will
appreciate the personal touch.Copy !req
167. You know, so they can match
a face with a face.Copy !req
168. Don't you think you're
kind of overreaching?Copy !req
169. What are you talking about?Copy !req
170. I'm afraid you're
setting yourself upCopy !req
171. for a giant
disappointment.Copy !req
172. I mean, when ten people
don't show up, it's a drag.Copy !req
173. When 300 people
don't show up,Copy !req
174. it's, like,
total humiliation.Copy !req
175. Well, I guess lots of people
will have to show up, then.Copy !req
176. Cynthia, you're a Krelboyne.Copy !req
177. Krelboynes have
Krelboyne parties.Copy !req
178. You don't know how many friends
I'm capable of making.Copy !req
179. Yes, I do. Zero.Copy !req
180. Just like the rest of us.Copy !req
181. Cynthia, no one's
coming to your party.Copy !req
182. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
183. Well, it so happens
the Kinkos man saidCopy !req
184. I set a new record
for laminated invitations.Copy !req
185. So? That doesn't
mean anything.Copy !req
186. I know what this is
all about.Copy !req
187. You're jealous.Copy !req
188. Jealous?Copy !req
189. Making friends obviously
doesn't come easy to you.Copy !req
190. So you hide in your
safe little circleCopy !req
191. while people like me
throw big partiesCopy !req
192. and make lots of friends
and enjoy life.Copy !req
193. Hmm? Bitter—
what a surprise.Copy !req
194. The key to quick chopping is
to rest the bladeCopy !req
195. against your knuckles
and slowly pull back as we...Copy !req
196. Who chopped that?Copy !req
197. I-I did it.Copy !req
198. Let's see it again.Copy !req
199. Oh, my word!Copy !req
200. Actually, his slices areCopy !req
201. a littlemore uniform
than yours.Copy !req
202. And you say you've never cooked
anything before?Copy !req
203. Intentionally?Copy !req
204. No.Copy !req
205. Remarkable.Copy !req
206. Sit down
and listen to me!Copy !req
207. I am sick of this!Copy !req
208. It's been two daysCopy !req
209. and you haven't done
a lick of work.Copy !req
210. And I can't believe I let you
drag me to that movie.Copy !req
211. I know.
I'm beginning to questionCopy !req
212. the whole talking dog genre.Copy !req
213. You know what would get our mind
off that movie?Copy !req
214. Another round
of miniature golf!Copy !req
215. No! No miniature golf.Copy !req
216. You have to get to work.Copy !req
217. You're right.Copy !req
218. When you're right, you're right.Copy !req
219. Let's get to it.Copy !req
220. These two books are
on the war itselfCopy !req
221. so you can breeze
through themCopy !req
222. 'cause your half of the project
is on Reconstruction.Copy !req
223. Okay. I have no idea
what you're talking about.Copy !req
224. But I willCopy !req
225. 'cause I'm not leaving this roomCopy !req
226. for the next ten hours.Copy !req
227. That's what I like to hear.Copy !req
228. Now, before I go,
do you need anything?Copy !req
229. I don't want you leaving
this room.Copy !req
230. No, just stop bothering me.Copy !req
231. I'm trying to study.Copy !req
232. All right, Harvey, let's see
if you can break Brent's record.Copy !req
233. You have to beat an hour
and four minutes.Copy !req
234. Go!Copy !req
235. Sorry I'm late!Copy !req
236. Craig ran off some kidsCopy !req
237. and needed me to walk him
to his car.Copy !req
238. I'll have dinner ready
in just one second.Copy !req
239. Shh, shh, shh.Copy !req
240. Look.Copy !req
241. Well?Copy !req
242. It's hot.Copy !req
243. And it needs
another bay leaf.Copy !req
244. Just look at him.Copy !req
245. After tasting
his chocolate soufflé,Copy !req
246. the class actually gave him
a standing ovation.Copy !req
247. Reese?Copy !req
248. Dewey,Copy !req
249. are you happy with how
those are julienned?Copy !req
250. I think so.Copy !req
251. Go check the brioche.Copy !req
252. The bread in the oven?Copy !req
253. Ah.Copy !req
254. Dad, I just wanted
to let you knowCopy !req
255. how much that cooking
class means to me.Copy !req
256. If you hadn't signed
me up for it,Copy !req
257. I never would've known
that something so stupidCopy !req
258. could be so much fun.Copy !req
259. Thanks.Copy !req
260. Oh, come on, that's got to make
you feel good.Copy !req
261. Aw, look at Malcolm,
surrounded by all his friends.Copy !req
262. I wonder what he owes
his social success to?Copy !req
263. What do you think,
Invisible Friend Number One?Copy !req
264. Leave me alone.Copy !req
265. There you go again—
pushing people away.Copy !req
266. You know, Malcolm,
if you want to make friendsCopy !req
267. you have to extend yourself.Copy !req
268. Yeah, you're right.Copy !req
269. I'm going to work
on that. See ya.Copy !req
270. It's sad, really.Copy !req
271. I feel sorry for you.Copy !req
272. You know what?Copy !req
273. I just got
the greatest idea!Copy !req
274. It's the perfect way
to break you outCopy !req
275. of your self-protective shell.Copy !req
276. What are you
talking about?Copy !req
277. You're going to cohost
the party with me.Copy !req
278. Come on.Copy !req
279. Hi, I'm Cynthia
and this is Malcolm.Copy !req
280. We're cohosting a party
this weekend...Copy !req
281. Let go.Copy !req
282. And we have a musical
invitation for you.Copy !req
283. Okay, you made
me do this.Copy !req
284. Can't you think of a better
place to kiss me?Copy !req
285. There. Read that.Copy !req
286. Malcolm, are you crazy?Copy !req
287. Read.Copy !req
288. That's the Krelboyne
Wall of Fame.Copy !req
289. You can see that you're
pretty well represented.Copy !req
290. There's my section
and there's Lloyd's.Copy !req
291. But in terms of sheer volume,
you still have us beat.Copy !req
292. So do you understand now?Copy !req
293. You can't have that party.Copy !req
294. But that one there,
that's ridiculous.Copy !req
295. No one really believes that
about you.Copy !req
296. Real...Copy !req
297. classy.Copy !req
298. Hey, you guys
seen Cynthia?Copy !req
299. No, but maybe you
can settle a debate.Copy !req
300. Maroon or beige?Copy !req
301. What are you guysCopy !req
302. talking about?Copy !req
303. Duh. Matching turtlenecks
for the party.Copy !req
304. Hey, everybody.Copy !req
305. Oh, Cynthia,
I wanted to apologize...Copy !req
306. Nothing to apologize
for, Malcolm.Copy !req
307. Here.Copy !req
308. I'm canceling my party.Copy !req
309. These are uninvitations.Copy !req
310. Don't crowd, there's
one for each of you.Copy !req
311. Malcolm opened my
eyes to the factCopy !req
312. that I'm a creepy,
friendless dorkCopy !req
313. who has no reason
to expect anyoneCopy !req
314. to come to her party.Copy !req
315. You callous bastard!Copy !req
316. Cynthia, I didn't want to
tell you like that. I'm sorry.Copy !req
317. No need to be sorry.Copy !req
318. I should be thanking you.Copy !req
319. Thank you, Malcolm.Copy !req
320. Cynthia... You know what?Copy !req
321. There's only
so much cryingCopy !req
322. I can do in one day,Copy !req
323. and just looking at you
makes me want to cry.Copy !req
324. So, if you
don't mind,Copy !req
325. I'd like to leave you now.Copy !req
326. All right, no more
distractions, Francis.Copy !req
327. I'm tired of yelling at you.Copy !req
328. I'm not saying Harvey's
last heat wasn't exciting...Copy !req
329. You didn't have to kill him,
you know.Copy !req
330. Yes! Yes, I did.Copy !req
331. Now, please,Copy !req
332. as a friend, just focus!Copy !req
333. I'm sorry.Copy !req
334. I know I tend
to procrastinate,Copy !req
335. but when a deadline nears,
I always manage to get it done.Copy !req
336. Okay. I'll check
on you in 30.Copy !req
337. Uh, you'd better take this.Copy !req
338. Why?Copy !req
339. I can't believe
I really made this.Copy !req
340. You know, Dad,Copy !req
341. if you work really hard
at something, it shows.Copy !req
342. Yes, son.
Yes, it does.Copy !req
343. Mmm...Copy !req
344. Class, during our next sessionCopy !req
345. we'll be holding
a little competition.Copy !req
346. Friends and relatives
are encouraged to attend,Copy !req
347. and don't be discouraged
if you feel a little outclassedCopy !req
348. by some of our
more promising students.Copy !req
349. We're all here to have fun.Copy !req
350. What do I get if I win?Copy !req
351. A six-inch paring knifeCopy !req
352. and a bread cloche.Copy !req
353. Awesome!Copy !req
354. May I help you?Copy !req
355. Hi. I'm Malcolm.Copy !req
356. I don't know if you remember...Copy !req
357. I'm not sure.
I have a vague
recollectionCopy !req
358. of you throwing
a brick through my
daughter's window.Copy !req
359. Oh, and I think
you're the kidCopy !req
360. who ruined her party
and humiliated her
in a public toilet.Copy !req
361. How am I doing?Copy !req
362. Now, if you don't mind...Copy !req
363. It's okay, Dad.Copy !req
364. How's it going?Copy !req
365. Oh, great.Copy !req
366. The party's a blast.Copy !req
367. Can't you hear it
in there?Copy !req
368. What are you doing here,
Malcolm?Copy !req
369. You won't talk
to me at schoolCopy !req
370. and you won't
return my calls.Copy !req
371. I just want to say
again that I'm sorry.Copy !req
372. Fine.Copy !req
373. You want to alleviate
your guilt?Copy !req
374. You are absolved.Copy !req
375. Just let me finish.Copy !req
376. I'm not sorry that
I told you the truth.Copy !req
377. You were just
setting yourself upCopy !req
378. for a big disaster tonightCopy !req
379. if you went ahead
with your party.Copy !req
380. I just wish I was
nicer about it.Copy !req
381. What's the nice way
to tell someoneCopy !req
382. they're a social retard?Copy !req
383. So you see my problem.Copy !req
384. But what I didn't sayCopy !req
385. is that even if
you are a dork,Copy !req
386. you're also
smart and funnyCopy !req
387. and interesting and kindCopy !req
388. and a totally
unique person,Copy !req
389. and if other people
can't see that,Copy !req
390. that's theirproblem.Copy !req
391. So, how'd you learn
to deal with the whole schoolCopy !req
392. making fun of you?Copy !req
393. The same way I deal
with everything:Copy !req
394. I pretend it
doesn't bother meCopy !req
395. and then lash
out on peopleCopy !req
396. who don't deserve it.Copy !req
397. It seems to work.Copy !req
398. Do you want to come in?Copy !req
399. Hey!Copy !req
400. Can I help you?Copy !req
401. Yeah. We're here
for Cynthia's party.Copy !req
402. We found these things
in the library.Copy !req
403. Uh...Copy !req
404. I thought
you handed out
uninvitations.Copy !req
405. I thought you said
no one would come.Copy !req
406. Come on in...
I guess.Copy !req
407. I think he's actually
going to win.Copy !req
408. I just hope we get
to taste whatever
it is he's cooking.Copy !req
409. Reese, this is
the best spinach quiche
I've ever tasted.Copy !req
410. What gives it
that extra something?Copy !req
411. I put some allspice
on the pine nuts before
I toasted them.Copy !req
412. Allspice.
Yeah,Copy !req
413. it just seemed like it would
balance out the ricotta.Copy !req
414. How extraordinary.Copy !req
415. How much salt
did you use?Copy !req
416. Just a pinch.Copy !req
417. I did not put all
of this salt in there.Copy !req
418. Where do you keep
your first aid kit?Copy !req
419. My husband's tongue
is swelling up like a melon.Copy !req
420. I need a bathroom!Copy !req
421. I guess Cynthia was right.Copy !req
422. If you invite people to a party,
they'll show up.Copy !req
423. Well, that sounds like fun,Copy !req
424. but I think I'm going to leave
it unpierced for a while.Copy !req
425. You girls should reallyCopy !req
426. get up
to the planetarium.Copy !req
427. They got a great laser show
up there.Copy !req
428. I have a cardCopy !req
429. that can get
four of you inCopy !req
430. for the price of three.Copy !req
431. Let me know when you're going.Copy !req
432. As soon as my
grandmother
falls asleep,Copy !req
433. I can sneak up
and sit next to you.Copy !req
434. Are you wearing cologne?Copy !req
435. Just my... aftershave.Copy !req
436. Hey, Stevie.Copy !req
437. I'm working... here.Copy !req
438. Can we please just go?Copy !req
439. Yeah, just two more hours
and then we'll head home.Copy !req
440. Francis, the project
is due tomorrow.Copy !req
441. Okay, don't worry.Copy !req
442. We have an eight-hour
ride home.Copy !req
443. We'll do it then.Copy !req
444. By the way, this is Terri
and her friend Robin.Copy !req
445. Hi.Copy !req
446. I'm Eric.Copy !req
447. I'm totally going
to summer school.Copy !req
448. Dewey, go to your room.Copy !req
449. But ReeseCopy !req
450. is the one who poisoned
all those people.Copy !req
451. Now!Copy !req
452. What is wrong with you guys?Copy !req
453. You didn't even let me
accept my trophy.Copy !req
454. Oh, I'll give you
a trophy, mister.Copy !req
455. Honey, the whole cooking
thing was my idea.Copy !req
456. I'll handle this.Copy !req
457. Reese, we pulled you
out of classCopy !req
458. because we know
you cheated.Copy !req
459. Now, you would
have won easily.Copy !req
460. Why did you do it?Copy !req
461. I don't know.Copy !req
462. It was fun.Copy !req
463. Those people worked
very hard on their dishes,Copy !req
464. and you destroyed them.Copy !req
465. How would you feelCopy !req
466. if you were that poor woman
whose quiche you salted?Copy !req
467. Fat?Copy !req
468. Reese...Copy !req
469. do you know what empathy is?Copy !req
470. No.Copy !req
471. Empathy is putting yourself
into other people's shoesCopy !req
472. so you can feel
the way they do.Copy !req
473. If you hurt someone, empathy
makes you hurt as well.Copy !req
474. Then, why would you want
empathy?Copy !req
475. He has no more sense
of right and wrong
than a tree frog.Copy !req
476. What are we going to do?Copy !req
477. What can we do?Copy !req
478. It's back to punishment.Copy !req
479. How can we punish him if
he doesn't care about...?Copy !req
480. All right, son, here's
what's going to happen.Copy !req
481. For the next month,
you are not allowed
to cook a meal.Copy !req
482. That's it?Copy !req
483. So I don't cook, big deal.Copy !req
484. That means no chicken cordon
bleu, no Windsor tortes.Copy !req
485. Wait a second.Copy !req
486. You said no cooking.Copy !req
487. The torte is baking.Copy !req
488. No baking, no broiling,
no sautéing.Copy !req
489. Come on, you can't do that.Copy !req
490. You heard your father.Copy !req
491. The stove and all the whisks
are off limits for a month.Copy !req
492. Oh, please, I'll be good.
I promise.Copy !req
493. I'll do whatever you say.Copy !req
494. I'm sorry, son.Copy !req
495. This is the way
it has to be.Copy !req
496. It worked.Copy !req
497. I think we really turned
a corner with him.Copy !req
498. We have a weapon.Copy !req
499. His actions will have
consequences.Copy !req
500. I know.Copy !req
501. We can hurt him.Copy !req
502. We can be parents again.Copy !req
503. Oh, it's even worth
suffering through a monthCopy !req
504. of eating your
flank steaks.Copy !req
505. Amen to that.Copy !req
506. You know, I just
realized something.Copy !req
507. Parties suck.Copy !req
508. The music always stinks,
the food's bad,Copy !req
509. and who cares
if no one talks to you?Copy !req
510. People are such phonies anyway.Copy !req
511. Hey, Malcolm. Hey, Cynthia.
Great party.Copy !req
512. I like the music,
and what's in the dip?Copy !req
513. Ooh, you know what?Copy !req
514. I'm gonna need that chair.Copy !req