Malcolm in the Middle 1x4

Directed by Nick Marck

Adam Hendershott as Adam • Paul Willson as Ed • Karim Prince as Stanley • Robert Grovich as Kevin • Michael Canavan as Priest

Parallel stories pit Malcolm against a bullying, obnoxious new kid and Francis vies with his intimidating, military-school commandant, who's presenting sex-education lectures. Meanwhile, Hal takes heat after cutting down a tree.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. We're gathered here today

2. to say good-bye

3. to Jumpy

4. number eight.

5. Nine...

6. Nine.

7. He was a good...

8. Nine?

9. Are you sure, nine?

10. Anyway, he was

11. a very good frog.

12. And he led

13. a very full life.

14. I remember when I stuck him

15. in Mom's sun visor,

16. and she almost hit that lady

17. in the crosswalk.

18. It was hysterical.

19. Farewell, Jumpy number nine.

20. We know you're going

21. to a better place.

22. Bye, Jumpy.

23. Dad...

24. May he rest

25. in pieces.

26. Amen.

27. Amen.

28. Amen.

29. Kenarban...

30. winds up.

31. Bases loaded.

32. Series on...

33. the line.

34. Will you just throw the ball?

35. Aah!

36. Want me to...

37. kiss it?

38. Oh, man, Kevin.

39. I hate this guy.

40. He's only been here

41. for two weeks,

42. and he's already the most

43. obnoxious kid in the school.

44. Little help.

45. Lose your

46. ball-ey, baby?

47. Can I please have

48. my ball back, Kevin?

49. "Can I please have

50. my ball back, Kevin?"

51. Come on, Kevin.

52. "Come on, Kevin."

53. De gustibus

54. non est disputandum.

55. De kub...

56. You stink!

57. Your new name

58. is Stinky.

59. Whatever, just give me

60. my ball back.

61. You want it?

62. Go get it, Stinky.

63. Men, most of you are at an age

64. where your bodies

65. have undergone

66. significant changes.

67. While the benefits

68. of increased muscle mass

69. and a more authoritative

70. speaking register are plain,

71. these changes can

72. produce certain...

73. negative desires.

74. Uh, we used to handle it

75. with cold showers

76. and regularly scheduled

77. beatings,

78. but, sadly, times have changed,

79. and I am forced to rely

80. on a less effective option:

81. education.

82. Pretty, isn't she? Hmm?

83. Perhaps her name is Mary

84. or Wendy or Becky Lou—

85. it doesn't matter

86. because her real name

87. is disease.

88. Not so pretty anymore,

89. is she, men?

90. Cankers...

91. lesions...

92. furuncles.

93. Such is the price of weakness.

94. I can't believe

95. they're swallowing this.

96. Standard technique.

97. Generate a fear response,

98. make the brain more receptive.

99. I don't care.

100. Spangler has ruined

101. everything in our lives.

102. Now he has

103. to ruin sex?

104. Now, remember,

105. every one of these diseases

106. can easily be

107. transmitted to you.

108. Excuse me, sir?

109. Isn't that slide upside down?

110. No, son.

111. No, it isn't.

112. Okay, pal, all right.

113. I'll get

114. the ice pack.

115. Dewey, we told you to stop

116. climbing that tree.

117. It's too big.

118. I couldn't help it.

119. I know,

120. sweetheart.

121. That's it,

122. I've had it.

123. That sucker's

124. coming down.

125. You're gonna

126. cut down the tree?

127. Darn right.

128. I'm sick and tired

129. of raking leaves

130. and hosing bird

131. poop off our car.

132. And seeing that weird

133. face in the bark

134. that follows you

135. wherever you go.

136. And now it's going

137. after the children?

138. No, Lois, it has

139. to be stopped.

140. Can I help kill it?

141. Sure, sweetheart.

142. We'll take turns.

143. All right, frozen pizza.

144. The only thing

145. Rowena can't ruin.

146. Hey, no cuts.

147. "Hey, no cuts."

148. Two slices, please.

149. Is there any

150. more pizza?

151. No, all out.

152. It's American goulash

153. for you.

154. What... is that?

155. I don't know.

156. All I can identify are little

157. pieces of carrot and...

158. I don't know, I think

159. they're Skittles.

160. Hey, look at the

161. goulash boy.

162. Get away from me, Kevin.

163. Ooh, "Get away

164. from me, Kevin."

165. He's so sad that he

166. doesn't have pizza,

167. and I do.

168. I said get away.

169. Chill... man.

170. I got...

171. your back.

172. What are you looking

173. at, Kenar-butt?

174. Light...

175. some shadows.

176. Kevin,

177. I'm warning you.

178. Get out of my face.

179. Aw, Malcolm doesn't like me

180. eating close to his face

181. with pizza I have

182. and he doesn't.

183. Pizza, pizza, pizza.

184. Pizza...

185. Pizza...

186. Pizza...

187. You want pizza?

188. I'll give you pizza.

189. Fight! Fight!

190. Fight! Fight!

191. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

192. Wow, watching hockey has

193. really paid off.

194. I can't believe

195. how good I'm doing.

196. What do you mean

197. he's only seven?

198. What's not

199. to understand?

200. He just

201. turned seven.

202. I guess you were too busy

203. beating people to notice.

204. He can't be seven—

205. he's bigger than I am.

206. He's in second grade.

207. Look at all this blood.

208. That's not blood,

209. it's pizza sauce.

210. Well, that's blood, but...

211. Oh, my God.

212. Oh, my God!

213. What happened?

214. I want my Teletubby!

215. A doll?

216. You can't play with dolls

217. if you're seven.

218. Why are you seven?

219. You beat up a

220. seven-year-old?

221. I didn't know!

222. Malcolm, I don't

223. blame you.

224. I put this squarely

225. where it belongs.

226. On me.

227. Oh, man, this is the most

228. horrible thing I've ever done.

229. Kevin, I'm sorry.

230. I think you've done

231. quite enough.

232. This is the worst

233. birthday ever!

234. "Inappropriate,

235. vicious."

236. Oh, wait— "Thug"?

237. Dude, I've never

238. gotten "thug" before.

239. That's like the Oscar.

240. Susie Gunther

241. ate my crayons.

242. Can you beat her up tomorrow?

243. Leave me alone.

244. You know what my

245. favorite part is?

246. It's when you pound on someone,

247. and then a day later,

248. you still feel the pain

249. in your knuckles.

250. Oh, I love that.

251. Shut up, Reese.

252. Hey, hey, pace

253. yourself, killer.

254. Whoa.

255. Dad.

256. You cut down the tree,

257. and we missed it?

258. Oh, baby, you missed it,

259. all right.

260. I was about two-thirds

261. of the way through her,

262. then crack!

263. Kaboom!

264. My chain saw goes flying.

265. All the car alarms

266. go off.

267. About a hundred squirrels came

268. boiling out of the branches.

269. Then a pack of dogs

270. came out of nowhere

271. and chased them

272. all over the neighborhood.

273. Man, I've never seen

274. anything like it.

275. Man...

276. Oh, don't worry, son.

277. You'll get to share

278. in the best part.

279. Cleaning up.

280. Boys, I think you'll enjoy

281. my sexual awareness

282. lecture next week.

283. It's been called "riveting."

284. It-it sure worked wonders

285. for me, sir.

286. The only woman

287. I can think of

288. without vomiting

289. is my own mother.

290. As it should be, son,

291. as it should be.

292. He's giving that same lecture

293. to the underclassmen.

294. I can't let

295. that happen.

296. I'm stealing

297. his slides.

298. And to you,

299. that's a good idea?

300. Oh, absolutely.

301. I know it's

302. hard-core, Stanley,

303. but I'm not doing

304. this for me.

305. I'm doing it for them.

306. After all, they

307. are the future.

308. Francis, I don't

309. know why you assume

310. we'll be able to just walk

311. into Spangler's office

312. and find the

313. sex slides.

314. Oh, man, I wish all my

315. break-ins were this easy.

316. Okay, I got it.

317. Let's get out of here.

318. Wait a second.

319. Oh, my God,

320. this is a gold mine.

321. Spangler drinking.

322. Spangler kissing.

323. Spangler in

324. a Speedo.

325. Spangler out

326. of a Speedo.

327. All right,

328. that's enough.

329. Let's leave, huh?

330. Wait a second.

331. I have an idea.

332. I'm gonna make Spangler's

333. sexual awareness lecture

334. just a little more

335. interesting.

336. Now, Francis, you do realize

337. what he'll do to you

338. if you humiliate him

339. like this, right?

340. And yet

341. I'm doing it anyway.

342. Weird, huh?

343. Why are the eggs so little?

344. They're robin's eggs from

345. the tree your father cut down.

346. Paul Bunyan.

347. That's nature for you.

348. Hundred years to grow,

349. 12 minutes to cut down.

350. There's got to be a lesson

351. in there somewhere.

352. It is nice having this

353. extra light in the room.

354. Yeah, wait till I bring

355. in the wood chipper.

356. Then you're really

357. gonna see something.

358. I can't take

359. this anymore.

360. When are you

361. gonna punish me?

362. For what?

363. For beating up a

364. seven-year-old.

365. Oh, my God,

366. that's right.

367. You must've just felt ridiculous

368. when you found out

369. how old that kid was.

370. I can only imagine

371. the look on your face.

372. I'll get it.

373. Oh, this is nice.

374. We should start every day

375. with a good laugh.

376. It's not funny.

377. It's awful.

378. I did something

379. horrible.

380. Don't you even care?

381. Well, it's nothing

382. to be proud of, son,

383. but you told us

384. the whole story,

385. and he didn't give you

386. much choice.

387. It was an honest

388. beating mistake.

389. Besides, it sends a good

390. message to our enemies.

391. What are you

392. talking about?

393. What enemies?

394. Oh, they're out there.

395. And once they know

396. we're capable of this,

397. they'll know we're capable

398. of anything.

399. Okay, so it's not just me,

400. right?

401. There's something seriously

402. wrong with this family.

403. It's none of your business

404. what we do on our property.

405. ED: That tree was older

406. than your house.

407. You had no right

408. to cut it down.

409. We're a neighborhood,

410. and removing trees

411. is a neighborhood

412. decision.

413. Oh, y-you people— for 15

414. years you've mowed your lawns

415. in the middle of the night so

416. you don't have to talk to us.

417. Now, what, all of a sudden

418. we're a neighborhood?

419. What's going

420. on here?

421. ED: You've caused

422. a blight on our street

423. by cutting down

424. that tree.

425. How is cutting down

426. a tree a blight?

427. Because now we can

428. see your house.

429. Well, let me tell

430. you something, Ed.

431. As far as I'm concerned, you and

432. the neighbors can all just...

433. Eh? And that goes

434. double for me.

435. I want you all off

436. our property now or I'll...

437. (imitates

438. gorilla grunts)

439. (imitating monkeys,

440. gorillas)

441. No wonder I'm a thug.

442. How can they act like this?

443. And then I found out

444. that he was only seven.

445. I didn't know what to do.

446. I just felt like I had

447. to talk to someone.

448. I hope I'm doing

449. this right.

450. See, my family— we're not,

451. like, regular churchgoers,

452. but I know places

453. like this are supposed

454. to help you

455. feel better,

456. and that's really what I need.

457. I did something terrible,

458. and now I just feel like there's

459. something wrong with me.

460. I mean, really wrong,

461. deep inside.

462. I can't shake it.

463. What do I do?

464. Look to the church.

465. Look to God.

466. Look within.

467. But first you must

468. ask forgiveness.

469. First, you must atone.

470. First, you must cleanse

471. your spirit.

472. The path to salvation.

473. The path to temptation.

474. The path to meditation.

475. How does one define a sin?

476. Well, it's

477. mostly common sense.

478. And you have

479. to light incense.

480. If you practiced abstinence.

481. It's whatever space you're in.

482. Huh?

483. Ch-Ch-Charity.

484. Prosperity.

485. Clarity.

486. Divine.

487. Restitution.

488. Absolution.

489. Contribution.

490. Palestine.

491. Sacramental.

492. Accidental.

493. Mostly mental.

494. You'll be fine.

495. Transubstantiate.

496. Alleviate.

497. Who knows?

498. Align your spine.

499. Uh... well, thanks.

500. I feel much better. Bye.

501. Hey, boys.

502. Where's your brother?

503. I don't know.

504. He said something

505. about being evil,

506. and he took off.

507. Ah.

508. Uh, stay back.

509. Wow!

510. That was the coolest

511. thing I've ever seen!

512. Really? All it does is

513. instantly vaporize anything

514. that goes into it.

515. Dewey!

516. What was...?

517. Actually,

518. that was pretty cool.

519. What else you got?

520. Well, we've obviously

521. run out of ideas.

522. Yolanda, this is a love

523. that cannot be.

524. Stop!

525. Can't you put some life in it?

526. It's 1969!

527. The slide rule is

528. about to be replaced

529. by the pocket calculator.

530. You have to feel

531. the panic in the air. Ugh!

532. I can't stop thinking

533. about what I did to Kevin.

534. I feel like crap,

535. and no one understands.

536. Even you.

537. You're supposed

538. to be my friend

539. and you don't even care.

540. And yet... you

541. keep... talking.

542. Maybe if I did

543. something good,

544. that would cancel it out, right?

545. Or if I'm only doing it

546. to feel better,

547. is that selfish

548. and doesn't count as much?

549. Stevie?

550. Okay. So I just have to think

551. of a really giant good deed.

552. That way, I know

553. I'll be in the plus column.

554. I bet I can think

555. of something great.

556. I just have to put

557. some thought into it.

558. There!

559. That's perfect.

560. I'll run the marathon

561. and get people to pledge money

562. for every mile that I go.

563. I hate running,

564. so it'll be hard

565. and I'll have to train for it,

566. so it'll take dedication

567. and it'll be helping

568. cure diseases

569. which no one likes.

570. And then

571. I can get on with my life.

572. No! No! No!

573. I can't work like this!

574. I'll be at my cubby.

575. This'll work.

576. It has to.

577. There we go.

578. Looks great, Dad.

579. Yeah? I don't know.

580. Now that it's in there,

581. it sort of

582. makes me miss the old tree.

583. This one's a

584. little droopy

585. and the branches

586. are a little spindly

587. and there's no face.

588. Well, there's that,

589. that little one,

590. but it's not the...

591. kindly little spooky face...

592. Oh, my God!

593. What have I done?

594. Reese,

595. get my chain saw.

596. I hear your son likes to

597. beat up seven-year-olds.

598. I wouldn't say

599. he likes it.

600. He's good at it,

601. apparently, but...

602. Look...

603. in my family

604. we don't go for that.

605. Probably not a good idea

606. to poke me.

607. "Probably not a good

608. idea to poke me."

609. I'm sorry I beat him up,

610. but how was I supposed to know

611. he was 15?

612. He was huge.

613. You should have seen the grip

614. he had on my throat.

615. Okay, people.

616. I need all the pledge sheets

617. before we can begin.

618. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

619. Caroline?

620. Malcolm, I am so glad

621. you decided to do this.

622. Now, were you able

623. to get any pledges?

624. Here.

625. I don't suppose there's

626. a beer guy around here, huh?

627. This is a charity race

628. at an elementary school.

629. Oh. So I have to go

630. to a stand or something, huh?

631. My God.

632. Are these real?

633. Well, I assume so. Why?

634. Well, look

635. at all of them.

636. He has more

637. pledges here

638. than everyone else

639. put together.

640. If he runs

641. the distance,

642. he is going to raise

643. over $8,000.

644. Ow.

645. Perhaps her name is Mary

646. or... Wendy

647. or Becky Lou.

648. It doesn't matter

649. because her real name

650. is disease.

651. Isn't so pretty anymore,

652. is she, boys?

653. Cankers...

654. lesions...

655. furuncles—

656. such is the pri...

657. Why, these aren't

658. the proper slides.

659. Some hooligan has switched them.

660. Now, this is obviously

661. some ingenious scheme

662. to humiliate me.

663. I find myself

664. so overcome with embarrassment,

665. I can't stop clicking.

666. Although there's probably

667. one in here of a cadet

668. who thinks he's

669. all alone, and...

670. well...

671. technical difficulties.

672. We will resume the lecture...

673. with the proper slides

674. at 0800 tomorrow.

675. Gentlemen.

676. Remember, son,

677. a good soldier always

678. checks the chamber.

679. Okay, this is going to sting.

680. What is with you?

681. Nothing.

682. Usually you scream

683. like a stuck pig

684. when I put this stuff on.

685. You have been

686. such a zombie lately.

687. It feels worse on the inside

688. than it does on my knee.

689. What are you talking about?

690. Mom, I can't stop feeling bad

691. about what I did to Kevin.

692. I feel like I have

693. a monster inside of me.

694. Oh, for crying

695. out loud, Malcolm,

696. that's no monster.

697. That's your conscience.

698. You should be thankful

699. God gave you one.

700. Yeah. It feels great.

701. I'm serious.

702. It's a gift.

703. And you know what most

704. people do with theirs?

705. They keep them in the

706. closet all year and

707. they bring them out

708. only when they think

709. he's coming to visit.

710. You're not like that.

711. Good for you.

712. But I can't stop

713. thinking about it.

714. Ow!

715. Were you thinking

716. about it just then?

717. No!

718. See? I promise

719. you will feel

720. bad about Kevin

721. only as long as

722. you're supposed to.

723. Now go to bed.

724. You're a nice

725. boy, Malcolm,

726. and I'll kick

727. the conniption

728. out of anybody

729. who says you aren't,

730. including that little

731. voice in your head.

732. Okay.

733. Good night, Mom.

734. Good night, sweetie.

735. Night, Dad.

736. Good night, son.