Malcolm in the Middle 1x15

1. I picked this trick up

2. in camp last year.

3. This is gonna be great.

4. Wait for it.

5. Wait for it...

6. Oh, screw it.

7. Oh, man.

8. What's wrong, Reese?

9. Nothing! Just-just shut up

10. and go to sleep, okay?

11. It's good to be alive.

12. Hey, Dewey, wake up!

13. It's Monday morning.

14. Hooray!

15. I never thought

16. I'd be happy about a Monday,

17. but today's the end of two

18. months of being grounded.

19. Two months!

20. What are you doing?

21. Shut up! I have to finish

22. my history homework.

23. Reese, we couldn't do

24. anything all weekend.

25. No friends,

26. no TV;

27. we did absolutely nothing.

28. And you still managed

29. not to do your homework?

30. Hey, the point is,

31. we never should've

32. been grounded

33. in the first place.

34. He is right.

35. Mom went way overboard.

36. We didn't even do

37. anything that bad.

38. Okay, so if we give you

39. Dewey's bike,

40. Circus will eat

41. a wet dog food sandwich.

42. Right.

43. Sounds good.

44. Okay then.

45. Wait a minute.

46. I don't want you ripping off

47. my little brothers.

48. You only get the bike

49. if he eats the whole can.

50. Done.

51. You the man, Circus.

52. You the man.

53. This is worth it.

54. What you gonna tell Mom?

55. The guy pushed him off...

56. took the bike...

57. and then just ran off.

58. How'd she know we were lying?

59. We were brilliant.

60. How's Mom?

61. Oh, she's got

62. a temperature of 104.

63. I've never seen her this sick.

64. It's like some sort of horrible

65. science experiment in there.

66. Mom's been sick

67. with the flu all weekend.

68. I'd feel more sympathetic,

69. but two months with no TV

70. has killed the part of me

71. that cares.

72. I finally figured out

73. how Mom could tell

74. we were lying.

75. How?

76. Pheromones.

77. She can smell the fear on us.

78. Next time you lie,

79. you have to take a shower first.

80. Okay, boys,

81. look, I got to go to work,

82. but before I do,

83. I want to talk to you

84. for a minute.

85. Now, when I get home,

86. I get to plug this cord

87. back into the TV.

88. So you boys have to behave.

89. You're not the only ones

90. who've suffered with no TV.

91. For all I know, there's

92. a new wrestling champion.

93. So... I want you to get

94. to school on time.

95. And before you leave,

96. you go in there,

97. and tell your mother

98. to feel better.

99. Maybe we should

100. just let her sleep.

101. She slept straight through

102. the last 48 hours.

103. I think it's okay

104. to wake her up for five minutes.

105. Mom?

106. You're starting

107. to look better.

108. He's not lying.

109. Mom kills most germs on contact,

110. but when one does get through,

111. it's a doozy.

112. You kids remember

113. you're not stepping foot

114. out of this house today.

115. Huh?

116. No TV.

117. No friends... till tomorrow.

118. But, Mom...

119. This is the last Sunday

120. of your punishment.

121. But...

122. Okay, Mom, we got it.

123. We're still grounded.

124. What are you doing?

125. Mom slept all weekend.

126. She still thinks

127. it's Sunday.

128. You know what this means?

129. No.

130. We can pretend today's Sunday

131. and stay home from school.

132. Oh, I'm in.

133. Okay, Mom.

134. We're just going to go

135. continue our punishment.

136. And we're definitely

137. not going to school.

138. Shut up.

139. Beautiful, huh?

140. Huh?

141. Just came in this week.

142. Just looking.

143. I'm just...

144. Please, take your time,

145. take your time.

146. Enjoy yourself.

147. Wow.

148. I love this car.

149. Yeah.

150. Oh, I see you've added

151. four ponies from last year.

152. We also put in

153. the new skid control system.

154. Oh?

155. Hey, you know,

156. the new brochures just came in.

157. I could show you one

158. if you want.

159. No, I-I-I should get to work.

160. Sir, can I ask,

161. is your job really so important

162. that you can't allow yourself

163. five minutes of pleasure?

164. I have no response to that.

165. Yes!

166. All right!

167. All right, this'll be great!

168. Yes!

169. No, wait, we can't.

170. Someone will see us.

171. We're supposed

172. to be in school.

173. Okay.

174. We'll just stay inside

175. and watch T...

176. Oh, dang!

177. Just give me

178. some time to think.

179. Come on, already,

180. think of something!

181. I'm trying.

182. All I've got

183. are all the reasons

184. this was a stupid idea

185. in the first place.

186. Even if we manage

187. to keep Mom fooled,

188. we're screwed as soon

189. as Dad gets home.

190. It basically means

191. we're gonna sit here

192. bored out of our minds

193. for eight hours

194. and wait for Mom to

195. top our last punishment.

196. How could you be so stupid?

197. I could've done that myself.

198. Get it before Mom wakes up!

199. Hello.

200. Look, Mom.

201. It's all a pack of lies!

202. I had nothing to do with it!

203. Seriously, I was

204. nowhere near that place...

205. Francis?

206. It's Francis? Let me talk.

207. Oh! Oh!

208. Come on, let me talk! Please?

209. What are you guys doing home?

210. Mom's sick.

211. She thinks it's Sunday.

212. We kind of went with it.

213. Cool.

214. Oh, dude, I need you to do me

215. a giant favor.

216. Go check the mail.

217. Okay, there should be

218. a letter there

219. from Southern Alabama State.

220. Yeah, it's here.

221. Why, did you apply there?

222. No.

223. There's probably no point

224. in me ever trying to.

225. I kind of drove a backhoe

226. into their swimming pool.

227. Oh, man. Did they have

228. to drain the pool?

229. No, if you put

230. a ten-foot crack in them,

231. they pretty much

232. drain themselves.

233. They did have to drain

234. the gym, though.

235. Ooh.

236. But I have a plan.

237. I want you to take the letter

238. and hide it.

239. Okay, and then what?

240. And then hopefully...

241. I'll come up

242. with a good idea later.

243. That's all I got so far.

244. Yeah, we're kind of

245. in the same boat.

246. We're stuck in the house

247. with nothing to do.

248. You guys should go down

249. to the arcade on Hillcrest.

250. The manager there has

251. a pretty enlightened outlook

252. about a kid's right to choose

253. his own school hours.

254. We don't have

255. any money, though.

256. All right, you guys

257. are doing me a favor,

258. so I'm gonna let you in

259. on a little secret.

260. Mom keeps some money

261. in the top left drawer

262. of her dresser,

263. but she won't notice

264. if you only take

265. between five and seven dollars.

266. What are

267. you boys doing?

268. Looking for

269. our money.

270. It's not there.

271. I moved it

272. to the back of the closet.

273. Where she hides

274. her Christmas presents?

275. No...

276. I moved those to the attic.

277. Um, Mom, where'd you hide

278. that football

279. I broke the window with?

280. In the garage.

281. And when you made

282. chipped beef on toast

283. last week,

284. was that really beef?

285. Who knows?

286. It was 39 cents a pound.

287. Did Grandpa really

288. punch Jimmy Carter in the face?

289. No, he just threw a rock

290. at the motorcade and ran off.

291. Did you really give

292. my red blanket to the poor kids?

293. No, your father used it

294. to clean the barbecue.

295. I was really adopted,

296. wasn't I?

297. Oh, you're ours...

298. and we love you.

299. Damn.

300. So, um...

301. I don't know.

302. What's your

303. favorite color?

304. For the third time, green.

305. Let's just go.

306. Wait.

307. I got a good one.

308. How'd you know Dewey's bike

309. wasn't really stolen?

310. That is a good one.

311. Francis told me.

312. I can't believe it!

313. Francis ratted on us to Mom!

314. No!

315. He wouldn't do that.

316. You did it!

317. Shut up!

318. He sold us out!

319. Francis is dead

320. to us now!

321. Wait a minute—

322. that makes me

323. the oldest brother.

324. Guys, seriously—

325. if you have any problems,

326. you can come to me.

327. Dewey, get me some ice tea.

328. No!

329. We should just give this to Mom

330. and let him fry.

331. Right.

332. No, wait!

333. It's Francis.

334. We can't just take

335. Mom's word for it.

336. Hey, Malcolm, everything okay?

337. Um, Francis...

338. we were just

339. wondering...

340. Mom said...

341. you ratted on us

342. about Dewey's bike.

343. But she's probably

344. just mixed up, right?

345. Because you're our big brother

346. and you wouldn't do

347. something like

348. that— Francis?

349. You don't know

350. what kind of pressure

351. I was under!

352. You butt-wipe!

353. How could you?

354. Well, did he do it?

355. I can't believe you!

356. You're our big brother!

357. You're supposed

358. to protect us,

359. not betray us.

360. He did it, didn't he?

361. Malcolm, just let me explain...

362. And then you actually

363. have the nerve to ask us

364. to risk our butts for you?

365. Maybe we should just

366. give the letter to Mom.

367. No, you can't do that!

368. Yeah, why not?

369. Because if you give

370. the letter to Mom,

371. she'll know it's not Sunday.

372. I'll just tell her it

373. came special delivery.

374. Yeah, well, she won't believe it

375. 'cause she would have

376. to sign for it.

377. I could forge

378. her signature.

379. But then she'll know

380. you can forge her signature.

381. Which won't

382. matter at all

383. because she'll be

384. so mad at you,

385. she won't even think

386. about me for a few days.

387. And even if she does,

388. I'll just tell her

389. I didn't want

390. to disturb her.

391. So in addition to

392. you getting nailed,

393. I'll get points for

394. being sympathetic.

395. Put Reese on the phone.

396. You know, Hal,

397. owning a Porsche

398. is not just for

399. the wealthy anymore.

400. My lifemate and I,

401. we both drive 'em.

402. Really?

403. Oh, she's a very

404. lucky lady.

405. Oh. A blond.

406. This is going to

407. sound clichéd, Hal,

408. but what can I do to put you

409. in that car today?

410. You can give me $90,000.

411. That's funny.

412. Yeah.

413. Seriously, we have

414. all kinds of financial plans

415. available.

416. Why don't we take it

417. for a test drive?

418. Nah, I... I don't know.

419. I would have to call work and...

420. There's a phone...

421. in the car.

422. So, do we give Mom

423. the letter now

424. or wait till Dad gets home

425. and give him both barrels?

426. Now!

427. Do it now!

428. We're not giving

429. Mom the letter.

430. Of course we are!

431. We have to!

432. He's a traitor!

433. He has to pay!

434. He must suffer!

435. We can't give

436. Mom the letter.

437. She'd kill him.

438. But we can make him

439. think we're giving

440. her the letter.

441. We could make

442. him think

443. we're scuzzy,

444. dirty backstabbers

445. just like he is.

446. Oh, okay.

447. Hello.

448. Hey, it's me.

449. Well, if it isn't

450. the snitch.

451. Hi, snitch.

452. Come on, Malcolm.

453. Let's just end this

454. before it gets out

455. of control.

456. I know how you

457. guys feel.

458. You do, huh?

459. How do we feel?

460. Well... bad.

461. No.

462. The words that

463. come to my mind

464. are revenge,

465. payback, envelope.

466. Malcolm, you're not going

467. to give Mom the letter.

468. I don't think you're in

469. any position to call the shots.

470. No, but... Richie should be

471. right about now.

472. Richie?

473. Yeah?

474. That was the best 12 minutes

475. of my life.

476. Well, I'm glad

477. to hear that, Hal.

478. You know, there are

479. a couple of people

480. I'd like you to meet.

481. Okay, listen up:

482. my mom's in her bedroom,

483. so you gotta keep it down,

484. and remember,

485. don't hurt my brothers.

486. Circus!

487. It's okay. It was ugly.

488. Man, just get the letter

489. and don't let Malcolm

490. out of your sight.

491. He's too smart.

492. Uh-oh.

493. What do you mean, "uh-oh"?

494. What did he do?

495. He's out of breath.

496. Damn it!

497. He hid the letter.

498. Okay, kid,

499. you've got

500. three seconds to tell me

501. or I'm going to pound you

502. within an...

503. Richie!

504. Which part

505. of "no hurting my brothers"

506. didn't you understand?

507. I got to tell you, man,

508. you're not allowing me

509. a single creative

510. thought here.

511. Where'd you put it?

512. In the VCR.

513. I know.

514. If we set fire

515. to the house,

516. Malcolm will go

517. right for the letter.

518. Why would he go

519. right for the letter?

520. Well, maybe we should

521. just set fire to the

522. house and find out.

523. Put Justin on the phone.

524. You the man, Francis.

525. You the man!

526. Put Richie back on the phone.

527. Hey, you can tear up

528. the house if you want

529. with my mom here

530. and explain it to her

531. or you can quit

532. and slink away

533. like the monosyllabic

534. mouth-breathers you are.

535. What'd he say?

536. He said a lot of things,

537. but the gist of it is,

538. we got to tear up the house.

539. No, you can't do that. Just...

540. wait a minute,

541. I have an idea.

542. Look at Reese.

543. What's he doing?

544. He's just

545. sitting there.

546. No, look at his eyes.

547. What are his eyes doing?

548. They're looking back at me.

549. Okay, just keep looking at him.

550. He's looking at the VCR.

551. No, I-I was looking at the...

552. the other thing.

553. Bingo! We got it!

554. You're the man, Richie!

555. All right!

556. Who wants a latte?

557. I'm really sorry,

558. you guys.

559. For what?

560. You were perfect.

561. You did exactly

562. what I thought you'd do.

563. What are you

564. talking about?

565. They have a fake letter.

566. I knew Francis

567. wouldn't leave us alone

568. without getting something

569. and I knew you'd give it away.

570. I knew exactly

571. what everyone would do.

572. So where's the

573. real letter?

574. I had to think

575. of the one place

576. they'd never think

577. of looking.

578. I had to give it

579. to the one person

580. they'd never think

581. I'd give it to.

582. I did the most

583. brilliant thing of all:

584. I gave it to Dewey.

585. And I hid it

586. under Mom's pillow.

587. You what?

588. I'm gonna kill him.

589. I'm gonna kill him.

590. I am going

591. to kill him!

592. This is all a dream.

593. Oh, shut up, Reese!

594. Mom, stop it.

595. You're sick.

596. I'm too mad to be sick.

597. No, he has finally

598. done it this time.

599. Where is that brochure

600. for the work farm

601. in Arizona?

602. He thinks military school

603. is tough?

604. Just wait.

605. Wait.

606. Wait...

607. wait...

608. wait!

609. Hey, Malcolm?

610. Hi, Francis.

611. Look, I'm sorry about all this.

612. I shouldn't have

613. sent those guys over.

614. It was stupid.

615. You know, Francis,

616. we never actually intended

617. to show the letter to Mom.

618. We just wanted to scare you.

619. Yeah, I know.

620. You guys would never

621. do that to me.

622. But if she did see the letter,

623. you'd know it was just

624. an accident, right?

625. Yeah, but Richie has the letter.

626. Please tell me

627. Richie has the letter.

628. Richie has coupons.

629. Mom has the letter.

630. But like I said, it was just

631. an accident. I swear.

632. So the thing you've been

633. threatening to do all day

634. but had no intention of doing,

635. you did but didn't mean to?

636. Yeah.

637. You can yell

638. at us now.

639. No, I guess I deserve it.

640. I shouldn't have ratted

641. on you guys.

642. Mom was just really

643. pressuring me about coming home

644. and, well, I folded.

645. Coming home?

646. Yeah, she said if I wanted

647. to come home for the summer,

648. I had to tell her

649. about the bike.

650. But that's just a lame excuse.

651. I'm sorry.

652. Actually,

653. that was a pretty good excuse.

654. Wow, you have made

655. a great deal here, Hal.

656. Now, you just, uh,

657. sign right there

658. and she's all yours.

659. Yeah, you know, I-I've

660. been thinking...

661. I think maybe I got

662. a little overexcited.

663. Aw, that's just the jitters.

664. They'll be long gone

665. when you're roaring home

666. in your brand-new

667. Porsche.

668. Just sign.

669. No, I think

670. maybe we should

671. do this another time

672. because I-I'm not

673. feeling very well

674. and my wife has the flu...

675. I'll tell you what—

676. let's throw in

677. the new chrome turbo wheels

678. and free car washes

679. for a year— just sign.

680. I can't.

681. But, Hal...

682. you put your initials

683. by this number.

684. Sorry.

685. Maybe some other time.

686. Hal, will you do me

687. one favor?

688. One favor, now,

689. I want you just to...

690. stick your head in the car

691. one last time, okay?

692. I want you to smell

693. the leather,

694. take another look

695. at that console,

696. and tell me you don't

697. want this car.

698. Go ahead, do it.

699. Come on.

700. So what do you say?

701. I told you I was sick!

702. Oh, my God!

703. You guys,

704. we can save Francis.

705. What?

706. Think about it—

707. every time

708. Mom gets mad,

709. she forgets about

710. everything else in the world

711. except for the things

712. she's mad at.

713. That focus is the key

714. to her power.

715. So?

716. So Mom won't care so much

717. about sending Francis

718. to a work farm

719. if she's busy being mad

720. at someone else, like at us.

721. We can do that.

722. Yeah.

723. You don't

724. understand.

725. We're going to have to get

726. in real trouble,

727. more trouble than we've ever

728. been in, in our entire lives.

729. And we can't make it look

730. like we're doing it on purpose.

731. I just want you guys to

732. know what you're in for.

733. We owe it to him.

734. Okay, we got

735. Dad's skating trophy,

736. Mom and Dad's

737. wedding portrait,

738. Mom's favorite lamp.

739. No, Dewey, it's stuff

740. they like, not you.

741. Oh.

742. Good!

743. Paint?

744. Yeah.

745. That way, we not only

746. destroy the stuff;

747. we take out

748. the driveway,

749. splash on the house

750. and, with any luck,

751. get some

752. collateral damage

753. to the neighbors.

754. What a waste!

755. For any other reason

756. this would've been

757. the funnest thing ever.

758. Okay, guys...

759. have the last candy bars

760. of your childhood.

761. Hey! Time to wake up!

762. Hey!

763. Time to wake up!

764. Hey! Time to wake up!

765. Hey! Time to wake up!

766. Hey!

767. Time to wake up!

768. Hey! Time to wake up!

769. Hey! Time to wake up!

770. Hey! Time to wake up!

771. Hey...

772. Okay, here she comes.

773. Now, remember,

774. this is supposed to be fun.

775. Well, I guess

776. it's mission accomplished.

777. I don't think Mom even remembers

778. she has a son named Francis.

779. Boys!

780. Just come down.

781. We're not coming down until you

782. tell us what you're going to do.

783. Not going to tell you what I'm

784. going to do until you come down.

785. Why don't you

786. just tell us?

787. Why don't you just come down?

788. Tell us.

789. Come down.

790. Just tell us!

791. Come down.

792. But if you tell us,

793. we'll come down.