Malcolm in the Middle 1x14

Directed by Chris Koch

Marco Gould as Infirmed Cadet • Arjay Smith as Finley • Daniel von Bargen as Commandant Edwin Spangler • Kyle Sullivan as Dabney Hooper • Evan Matthew Cohen as Lloyd

Malcolm and his Krelboyne classmates enlist the help of Hal for a school project, which involves a robot, and an enormous swarm of bees. Lois visits Francis at his school after he becomes injured and soon clashes with Spangler.

Request examples:

!req Malcolm in the Middle 1x14 [02:32]
!req Malcolm in the Middle 1x14 [Malcolm in the Middle 1x14]
Syntax: !req EPISODE [quote or timestamp] (max. 8 square brackets)

For quotes, now you can request by index (e.g !req Malcolm in the Middle 1x14 [10-11]; !req Malcolm in the Middle 1x14 [20] [24]). Keep in mind, though, that index numbers might change at any time.
You can also generate a copy command with the quotes. Hover the desired subtitle and enter the amount of lines you want to copy.

Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

Note: you must use specific languages with their specific pages/discord channels.

1. I got one!

2. Yes, yes. Cool.

3. Get him!

4. Ugh.

5. I got one!

6. Okay, give me the tape.

7. What if we get caught?

8. Don't worry about it.

9. No one's home.

10. I cued it up

11. to the best part.

12. It's BattleBots,

13. and it's a free for all

14. at the battle area.

15. All of these heavyweight..

16. I thought this was porno.

17. Ew. No, this

18. is better.

19. And no one's...

20. excluded.

21. Come on, this is

22. the lamest thing I've...

23. Oh, my God, is that real?

24. It's an open

25. competition.

26. People build killer robots,

27. put them in a ring,

28. and see which one

29. comes out alive.

30. Killer robots?

31. I can't believe it.

32. Finally something cool

33. about being smart.

34. I wish we could do that.

35. We were hoping you'd say that.

36. Here's the deal:

37. we want to enter

38. the competition.

39. We've got the designs,

40. we've got the desire,

41. and we're not distracted

42. by any kind of social life.

43. The only problem is that our

44. parents would never allow us

45. to build something

46. that dangerous.

47. That means we need a place

48. with a total lack

49. of caring adult supervision.

50. That's my house!

51. But those things look

52. really expensive.

53. No problem.

54. My father tries

55. to buy my love.

56. Who's your... daddy?

57. Push.

58. What are

59. the odds, huh?

60. Of Francis having

61. an emergency appendectomy

62. two months after using

63. the same excuse to ditch school?

64. Well, he was never very lucky.

65. Oh, I need you

66. to call work

67. and tell them I

68. won't be coming in.

69. Will do.

70. Well, there's my cab.

71. What's that all about?

72. A little something

73. to remember me by.

74. You know, it just

75. occurred to me

76. that we have not been apart

77. for one night in 18 years.

78. You gonna be

79. okay with that?

80. I think I can manage

81. without my mommy

82. for a few days.

83. I told you that baby

84. voice creeps me out.

85. Sorry.

86. Ten-hut!

87. Well, Cadet,

88. I see you survived.

89. Yes, sir.

90. I brought you

91. a little something

92. to take your mind

93. off the pain.

94. This is a good

95. opportunity for you

96. to catch up

97. on your homework.

98. Take it from me—

99. a lengthy hospital stay

100. is the perfect environment

101. to focus your mind and attack

102. weaknesses in your character.

103. If it hadn't been

104. for this,

105. I never would've learned

106. conversational French.

107. Carry on.

108. Sorry, man.

109. I was this close

110. to going medieval on him.

111. You feeling okay?

112. I feel like I have a belly

113. full of broken glass.

114. Every time I breathe in, I

115. almost pass out from the pain.

116. This is the single

117. greatest thing

118. that has ever

119. happened to me.

120. What?

121. Well, for as long

122. as I can remember,

123. my mom has been

124. torturing me with guilt.

125. I've never been able to fight

126. back, but this is perfect.

127. Her first-born child almost dies

128. a thousand miles from home,

129. and she's the one

130. who sent me here.

131. She can't dismiss it,

132. she can't argue about it,

133. she can't twist it around

134. and make it my fault.

135. It's beautiful.

136. Dude, you almost died.

137. I want you to say that

138. again when she gets here.

139. Oh, this poor woman has no

140. idea what she's walking into.

141. Okay, Mom's only gonna be gone

142. for about four or five days,

143. so we have to prioritize.

144. What are you asking Dad for?

145. I want to wear

146. my pajamas to school.

147. I'm getting a scope

148. for my BB gun.

149. You don't have a BB gun.

150. Not yet.

151. Okay, but since I'm asking

152. to build a killer robot,

153. I should go first.

154. Why?

155. Because anything

156. after "killer robot"

157. is gonna sound reasonable.

158. Dad?

159. Yeah.

160. A couple friends and

161. I want to explore

162. our engineering and

163. machining skills.

164. Sounds great.

165. So, um, you think

166. it'd be all right

167. if a bunch of Krelboynes and I

168. build a robot in the house?

169. Yeah, fine.

170. Whoa, that was

171. easy, even for him.

172. For crying out loud.

173. Be strong.

174. Lois will get through

175. her operation.

176. She is a fighter.

177. No, no, Craig,

178. it was Francis.

179. Oh, my God.

180. Did he shoot her?

181. I knew it.

182. I t-told her

183. to stay away from him.

184. That boy has been

185. nothing but trouble.

186. Uh, Craig, uh, Lois did

187. not have an operation.

188. Our son Francis did.

189. Sh-She just went down to Alabama

190. to look after him for a while.

191. Oh.

192. Well, tell Lois

193. I stopped by.

194. I can't believe my mom missed

195. them putting my catheter in.

196. Maybe I should take it out

197. so they can reinsert it

198. when she gets here.

199. Or maybe you could,

200. I don't know, shut up about

201. your mom for half a second.

202. No one's that bad.

203. Hey, I been sugar-coating it

204. for you 'cause you're enfeebled.

205. Francis!

206. But you can just see

207. for yourself.

208. Hi, honey.

209. You look terrible.

210. You think that's

211. gonna appease your guilt?

212. What guilt?

213. Boy, it's stuffy in here.

214. That can't be good for you.

215. You look pasty.

216. Have you had a

217. bowel movement?

218. When is the last time

219. you moved your bowels?

220. Mom...

221. Hello.

222. Who are you?

223. Edwin Spangler— I am commandant

224. of Marlin Academy.

225. Good for you.

226. Where's your eye?

227. Pardon?

228. Do your ears work?

229. Do you have some business

230. with my son?

231. He needs to rest.

232. Well, I stopped by to pick up

233. your boy's homework.

234. Homework? You're not

235. giving him homework.

236. My son nearly

237. lost his life—

238. something that never

239. would've happened

240. if you'd taken proper care

241. of him in the first place.

242. Well, I assure you, ma'am,

243. had it not been for Francis's

244. long history of crying wolf...

245. Crying wolf?

246. You listen to me, you idiot!

247. My child is sick.

248. He does not need you

249. marching in here, puffing up

250. your little chest

251. and making his life

252. more miserable

253. than it already is.

254. Why don't you just go play

255. army man somewhere else?

256. God, she is magnificent.

257. Dude, your mom rocks.

258. Hmm.

259. You got a girl, Rizzo?

260. Yeah, Sarge.

261. I miss her something awful.

262. Soon as I get home,

263. I'm going to marry her.

264. Rizzo!

265. We need...

266. more torque!

267. No, we need a balance

268. between speed and torque.

269. This is great.

270. I can make a huge mess,

271. build a killer robot,

272. and Mom's not here

273. to yell at us.

274. I don't even mind

275. having Krelboynes in the house.

276. Do we all want

277. a direct, continuous

278. linear relation

279. between the rotary actuator

280. and the robot's

281. translational displacement,

282. or am I just some kind

283. of crazy dreamer?

284. Well, what about my design for

285. the polycarbonate body?

286. It's a...

287. butterfly.

288. Correction—

289. killer butterfly.

290. Beautiful yet deadly.

291. The perfect killing machine.

292. It's too unreliable.

293. It's got to be more simple,

294. like a sledgehammer or...

295. A superheated spike shot

296. out by power charges.

297. Yeah, but that's not

298. going to be easy...

299. What's this stuff?

300. We were just... sort of...

301. fooling around with some ideas.

302. Let's have a look.

303. Well... I'd go

304. with the flame thrower.

305. That would destroy everything

306. within a ten-foot perimeter.

307. Of course, a lot to be said

308. for that high-voltage probe.

309. Sir, before you continue,

310. I feel I have to mention

311. that our parents

312. strongly disapprove of this.

313. Sorry. My therapist

314. says it's a compulsion.

315. Well, I guess you shouldn't

316. tell your parents, then.

317. Wow.

318. Your father's lack

319. of responsibility

320. is both terrifying and...

321. oddly thrilling.

322. I can't apologize enough for

323. these barbaric accommodations.

324. You deserve so much more.

325. Oh, no, this is fine.

326. Why are all the hotel rooms

327. booked?

328. The all-Alabama gay rodeo

329. is in town again.

330. Homosexuals riding horses

331. and such.

332. It does wonders

333. for the local economy,

334. but you have to fight

335. the crowds for everything.

336. If you're interested,

337. I have some passes.

338. No, thanks.

339. Another time, then.

340. Bonsoir.

341. You know, this

342. room isn't so bad.

343. The way you whined about it,

344. I thought it was going to be

345. a couple of cots

346. and a drain in the floor.

347. What are you doing?

348. You're stinky.

349. I'm going to give you

350. a sponge bath.

351. You're not

352. giving me a sponge bath.

353. Arms up.

354. Just because you had surgery

355. is no reason to be a pig.

356. Mom, did you know

357. that I almost died?

358. Oh, you did not

359. almost die.

360. My appendix burst!

361. They had to vacuum out

362. the contents of my intestines.

363. You could not possibly

364. comprehend

365. the pain that I was in—

366. that I am in.

367. Yeah. I don't know

368. anything about pain,

369. what, with four boys

370. totaling 112 hours of labor—

371. you being half of

372. that, I might add.

373. I'm sorry that I came out

374. feet first, Mom.

375. That's okay, honey.

376. I forgave you years ago.

377. Oh, God, that tattoo.

378. I like the tattoo, Mom.

379. What is it with the men in

380. this family and tattoos?

381. Took me five years

382. to get your father

383. to burn his off.

384. What, are you growing

385. potatoes in there?

386. Dad had a tattoo?

387. Yeah, he put a

388. great big "Lois"

389. right across

390. his rear end.

391. Actually thought I'd

392. be flattered by it.

393. That guy was such a

394. mess when I met him.

395. Between the motorcycle

396. and the drinking

397. and the fighting—

398. he was so reckless,

399. it was crazy.

400. Where do you think

401. you boys get it from?

402. Just doesn't sound like Dad.

403. Yeah, well, that was

404. a long time ago.

405. Your father has been

406. quite a project.

407. I spent years hounding him

408. and scolding him

409. and constantly watching him,

410. but finally

411. I got all that rebellion

412. right out of him.

413. I can't believe

414. Dad had a wild side.

415. Well, someday, you're going

416. to meet a nice girl.

417. She's going to do

418. the same thing for you.

419. Do your lowers.

420. Dad?

421. Oh, hey, son.

422. What are you doing?

423. I just thought

424. I'd help you kids out

425. with your robot.

426. You know, it's amazing how

427. much you can get accomplished

428. when you don't sleep at all.

429. I think we got a little

430. something up our sleeve

431. for the competition.

432. Dad...

433. I know, it's still

434. a little slow.

435. But wait till I put

436. on the big blade.

437. I eat your heart

438. and thus avenge my father.

439. (punches and kicks landing,

440. men grunting)

441. Well, we just finished

442. the 45th and final video

443. of the Shaolin Dragon series.

444. We are now officially

445. desensitized to violence.

446. How many sodas

447. have you had?

448. I don't know. I don't

449. know. I don't know.

450. Look, I can write

451. on my tongue.

452. Well, we can start in on

453. Monks of Death

454. or lighten things up with

455. a little Samurai Bloodfest.

456. We've had a vote.

457. We're backing out

458. of the contest.

459. What?

460. Your father

461. has commandeered this project

462. and twisted it toward

463. his own mad ends.

464. We want our

465. blueprints back.

466. We can... do this...

467. the easy... way...

468. or... we can...

469. do this... the hard...

470. Come on, my dad's

471. in the backyard.

472. way.

473. Dad?

474. Hey, boys.

475. Guys want the...

476. Are you smoking?

477. Oh, this? No, I'm just...

478. just playing around.

479. Listen, don't tell your mom,

480. okay?

481. She'd kill me if she found out.

482. She worked so hard

483. to get me to stop.

484. Oh, God, how I

485. miss that woman.

486. Um, the guys want

487. their blueprints back.

488. Oh, yeah,

489. they're over there.

490. I have gone

491. way past that.

492. Hey, picture this.

493. A laser-guided bee cannon.

494. Bees shot out

495. with the precision of a laser.

496. How would that hurt a robot?

497. Oh, come on, think.

498. It's not for the robot,

499. it's for the guy

500. controlling the robot.

501. Buzz, zap!

502. You're going home

503. with the plaque or ribbon

504. or whatever crappy award

505. they give you for winning.

506. This...

507. will end... badly.

508. There we go.

509. I hear you, old fella!

510. You're not alone.

511. Come on, come on,

512. do it for mama!

513. Come on, come on, go!

514. Aw, come on. You're just

515. letting me win, aren't you?

516. I'm really not.

517. I know. I'm just rubbing it in.

518. Rubbing it in!

519. Your mom is great.

520. This isn't my mom.

521. It's an act.

522. It's some kind of freaky mind

523. game she's playing with me.

524. Any second now,

525. her face is going to split open

526. and she's going

527. to reveal herself

528. for the evil banshee

529. she really is.

530. Man, I don't know why

531. she puts up with you.

532. Anyone for doubles?

533. Nope.

534. All right, then.

535. Oh, hi, honey.

536. Where you been?

537. I want you to leave.

538. What?

539. I want you to leave.

540. You made your phony point.

541. You made me look like an idiot.

542. Mission accomplished.

543. Okay.

544. You know what? I have

545. had it with you, mister.

546. You have done nothing but bitch

547. and moan since I got here,

548. and I've been nothing

549. but pleasant.

550. Exactly!

551. Oh, what, you complain

552. when I'm pleasant,

553. you complain when

554. I'm not pleasant?

555. There's no winning with you.

556. Why don't you just tell me

557. exactly how you

558. want me to behave

559. every second of the day, and

560. we'll see if that satisfies you.

561. This isn't fair!

562. You're taking my pain

563. and you're twisting it

564. into your guilt trip!

565. Fine. Why don't I

566. just leave, then?

567. Fine.

568. Fine.

569. Mom being gone was fun at first,

570. but this is getting

571. out of control.

572. Please be Mom.

573. Please be Mom. Please be Mom.

574. Hello?

575. Hello!

576. Oh. Hi, Mr. Jackson.

577. Well, yes,

578. I do have a very good reason

579. for not going in to work today.

580. Well, how about this?

581. I didn't come to work because

582. somehow I felt that eight hours

583. of joyless, mind-numbing crap

584. just didn't seem like fun.

585. Well, I guess we're just going

586. to have to agree to disagree.

587. Yeah!

588. I thought your flight

589. wasn't till 11:00.

590. It isn't.

591. So we have some

592. extra time.

593. You want to...

594. do something?

595. We're in the middle

596. of Alabama.

597. What is there to do?

598. Gay rodeo's in town.

599. That could be

600. interesting.

601. Well, if that's

602. what you want to do.

603. Look, it isn't really

604. what I want to do.

605. I'm trying to

606. be pleasant...

607. We'll go.

608. Please be Mom.

609. Craig.

610. Just brought by

611. your mom's paycheck.

612. Tell her I'm the one

613. that brought it by.

614. Wait. We need your help.

615. My dad's going crazy.

616. He hasn't slept in four days.

617. He's smoking, he's dancing

618. around in his underwear.

619. He's ripping phones

620. out of the walls.

621. You've got to stop him.

622. Don't worry, son.

623. I'll handle this.

624. What are you doing?

625. You don't expect me to tackle

626. something like this

627. on an empty stomach.

628. Hey, buddy.

629. Well, well.

630. What do we have here?

631. The boy here says you

632. could use some company.

633. No, I got my sons.

634. We're bonding.

635. What the hell

636. is that thing?

637. That thing is

638. a little project

639. we have been working on

640. around here.

641. A secret, deadly project.

642. Hal...

643. why don't you turn off

644. the machine and sit down?

645. Why don't you stop telling me

646. what to do?

647. Why don't you sit down

648. like I asked you to?

649. Look, Fats...

650. I don't want you

651. around my house anymore.

652. Hey, you don't go

653. to the fat thing,

654. I won't go to the crazy thing.

655. Dad, cut it out!

656. Come on, it's not

657. funny anymore!

658. Leave him alone!

659. Say "uncle"!

660. No!

661. Just say it.

662. We can stop this right now

663. with a little dignity

664. if you just say it!

665. I won't say it!

666. One simple word.

667. Duncle.

668. Uh-uh, you said "duncle."

669. Now you have to say "uncle"

670. in my butt.

671. No! Let me up!

672. Dad, you have to stop it!

673. Dad, no!

674. You're right.

675. I've got better

676. things to do.

677. Dad, what are you doing?

678. I think me

679. and Lois Number Two here

680. are going to go down to work

681. and pay a little visit

682. to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.

683. Hey!

684. Dad, don't move.

685. W-What are you doing?

686. I'm stopping you

687. from quitting your job

688. by threatening you

689. with a killer robot.

690. I wish this felt half

691. as cool as it sounds.

692. Just turn it off, Malcolm.

693. Stop being crazy.

694. Just put the remote down.

695. You-you have no idea

696. what this machine is capable of.

697. Why don't you just sit down?

698. And why don't you just

699. put the remote down?

700. Dad, please.

701. Malcolm...

702. Why don't you both

703. just shut up?

704. Run. No kidding. Run.

705. Oh, no.

706. Call... animal... control.

707. You ripped the phone

708. out of the wall.

709. Go... to... the neighbor.

710. They won't let us over anymore.

711. Do... something.

712. Why don't we just

713. all sit down

714. and no one will do anything

715. until Mom gets home?

716. Okay.

717. I got to say,

718. as far as gay rodeos go,

719. this one's pretty entertaining.

720. Are you sure you're

721. not embarrassed

722. to be seen with

723. your mother?

724. Nah.