1. The Olympic Torch is lit
from one of the few entitiesCopy !req
2. older than the games themselves.Copy !req
3. The sun.Copy !req
4. The flame now begins its long journey
from Athens, Greece,Copy !req
5. to its final destination,
Salt Lake City, Utah, USA.Copy !req
6. And the first leg is being run
by Greece's very own Spiro Thanatopolous,Copy !req
7. who apparently saved a whole herd of goatsCopy !req
8. from a runaway truck.Copy !req
9. Boy, I've always been a suckerCopy !req
10. for the torch-lighting ceremony.Copy !req
11. That and the four-man bobsled.Copy !req
12. I just wish you didn't have
to sit so close together.Copy !req
13. And remember, Arlen is still
looking for one local heroCopy !req
14. to carry the flame
as it passes through town.Copy !req
15. You may drop off your essay
at the station,Copy !req
16. or at any Pinky's Liquor.Copy !req
17. Look at Spiros run.Copy !req
18. He reminds me of a young Hank Hill,
only hairier.Copy !req
19. I'd trade a village
full of Spirai for one Hank Hill.Copy !req
20. You took Arlen High
to the Texas State Football Championships,Copy !req
21. you did.Copy !req
22. And we would have won it all, too,
if your ankle hadn't snappedCopy !req
23. just two yards from the goal line.Copy !req
24. Yep, your dad's a real hero.Copy !req
25. No, no, the guy who beat that
shark away with his own arm,Copy !req
26. he's a hero.Copy !req
27. I've toyed with the idea
of being a hero someday,Copy !req
28. either by doing something,
or stopping something.Copy !req
29. And I'll get a trophy,Copy !req
30. and then you'll have to build me
my very own trophy shelf.Copy !req
31. Uh, well, actually, Bobby, I already have.Copy !req
32. Yeah, I started it
right after you were born,Copy !req
33. and then, uh...Copy !req
34. Well, you know, uh...Copy !req
35. I tell you what,Copy !req
36. the spider plants have thrived on it.Copy !req
37. Oh, not too close, Bobby.Copy !req
38. Those leafy green plantsCopy !req
39. can suck the oxygen
right out of your body.Copy !req
40. Boy, look at all Dad's trophies.Copy !req
41. I'll never be able to win a trophy,Copy !req
42. or build a shelf.Copy !req
43. Oh, honey, you'll be able to win a trophy.Copy !req
44. I haven't won one yetCopy !req
45. and my body's already starting to go.Copy !req
46. Ow!Copy !req
47. Hey, Bobby! Look who's here. Me!Copy !req
48. Now, I know you thought
you'd never win a trophy,Copy !req
49. but that was before this.Copy !req
50. Congratulations!Copy !req
51. "Bobby Hill. Winner."Copy !req
52. All right!Copy !req
53. Wait a minute.
I don't remember winning anything.Copy !req
54. I don't remember competing for anything.Copy !req
55. Oh, yeah?Copy !req
56. Well, you won first place
in the international competitionCopy !req
57. for the being the best you
you could possibly be, huh?Copy !req
58. Well, you're one of the funniest people
in the house.Copy !req
59. You get most of your clothes
in the basket,Copy !req
60. and you always turn off a light
when you leave a room.Copy !req
61. Frankly, the contest wasn't even close.Copy !req
62. I don't know.Copy !req
63. It all sounds pretty much like
just getting up in the morning.Copy !req
64. Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
Well, the great ones make it look easy.Copy !req
65. Look, Bobby, they don't give trophies
for being a...Copy !req
66. a sweet, sweet, sweet boy.Copy !req
67. But they should, and they have.Copy !req
68. I did.Copy !req
69. I'd like to thank my mother,
my agent and my baby's mama.Copy !req
70. Things didn't look so good
at the beginning of the season,Copy !req
71. but they believed I could be
the best Bobby I could be.Copy !req
72. I wonder who will get nominatedCopy !req
73. to carry the torch through Arlen.Copy !req
74. I think it ought to be that boy
down at the Waffle House.Copy !req
75. His Jesus T-shirts are an inspirationCopy !req
76. and he buses those tablesCopy !req
77. better than most two-armed folks.Copy !req
78. Hmm. No, he doesn't.Copy !req
79. Ooh, sausage, the breakfast of champions.Copy !req
80. Hey, that's my trophy.Copy !req
81. It's my trophy.Copy !req
82. Mom gave it to me
for being the best me I could be.Copy !req
83. And I graciously accepted.Copy !req
84. It's a football trophy.Copy !req
85. That's a running back
fending off a tackler.Copy !req
86. I thought you said it was me
putting my Nerf ballCopy !req
87. away in the toy hamper.Copy !req
88. Well, Bobby, it could...Copy !req
89. Well, it was just sitting
in a box gathering dust,Copy !req
90. and dust mite feces.Copy !req
91. So, this one is yours, too?Copy !req
92. Oh, for crying out loud.Copy !req
93. How many trophies do you have?Copy !req
94. Look, Bobby, I want
to see you get a trophy, too,Copy !req
95. but you've got to earn it.Copy !req
96. Now, most Little League teamsCopy !req
97. need a husky fellow to play catcherCopy !req
98. and you like to wear masks...Copy !req
99. No, thanks.Copy !req
100. Hank, I am just trying to boostCopy !req
101. that boy's self-esteem.Copy !req
102. You have a shelf full of awardsCopy !req
103. and a beautiful wife on your arm.Copy !req
104. Why can't Bobby have a trophy, too?Copy !req
105. You don't give someone an award
they don't deserveCopy !req
106. just to cheer them up.Copy !req
107. Why not make every Super Bowl a tieCopy !req
108. so everyone gets a ring
and no one is "bummed out," huh?Copy !req
109. Hank, I am having a brainstorm.Copy !req
110. Bobby!Copy !req
111. Honey, how would you like
to carry the Olympic Torch?Copy !req
112. You mean it?Copy !req
113. Don't make fun of the boy.Copy !req
114. I will write an essay nominating you.Copy !req
115. I will open with a joke,
but not at your expense,Copy !req
116. and I will close with a quotationCopy !req
117. from the Reverend Doctor
Martin Luther King, Jr.Copy !req
118. I'll go turn on your computer
and warm up the seat.Copy !req
119. Good boy.Copy !req
120. Defacing my trophy was bad enough,Copy !req
121. but now she's dragging
the Olympics into it?Copy !req
122. Just because Bobby wears a cape,
doesn't make him a hero.Copy !req
123. It actually detracts.Copy !req
124. The same could not be said
of your average matador.Copy !req
125. I make a good point.Copy !req
126. There are so many more
deserving people in this town.Copy !req
127. She's just setting him up for a big fall.Copy !req
128. Like when we told Bill
there was a woman out there for him.Copy !req
129. Mm-hm. Hey!Copy !req
130. Today is the dayCopy !req
131. they're going to announce
that I get to carry the torch.Copy !req
132. Although to be true
to the ancient Olympians before me,Copy !req
133. I should be nude.Copy !req
134. Uh, just in case you are chosen,Copy !req
135. you're going to have to run a half a mile.Copy !req
136. That's about 500 trips
to the refrigerator,Copy !req
137. just so you know.Copy !req
138. I know. That's why I've been training.Copy !req
139. Bobby, you seem to have
a hitch in your get-a-long.Copy !req
140. No, Dad, I'm speed walking.Copy !req
141. The only Olympic sportCopy !req
142. endorsed by the American AssociationCopy !req
143. of Retired Persons.Copy !req
144. Easier on the knees.Copy !req
145. Beautiful, Bobby.Copy !req
146. Congratulations, Shug!Copy !req
147. Oh, my God, I did it!Copy !req
148. I won!Copy !req
149. I'd jump for joy,Copy !req
150. - but, you know, the knees.Copy !req
151. Oh, what the heck!Copy !req
152. - Yuhoo!Copy !req
153. Bobby, you won!Copy !req
154. Oh, dang it.
I just took our camera in to be developed.Copy !req
155. To be fair, Hank, I wrote the essay.Copy !req
156. But why don't you let this
be Bobby's moment?Copy !req
157. Okay, who's ready for the big news?Copy !req
158. Mr. Hill, you will be running
the Arlen legCopy !req
159. of the Olympic Torch relay.Copy !req
160. Congratulations, Hank.Copy !req
161. - Hank?Copy !req
162. But, Mom,Copy !req
163. you said I was going to get a trophy.Copy !req
164. Isn't that precious?Copy !req
165. Now give the torch to your daddy.Copy !req
166. Uh, you must want
the Hank Hill from West Arlen.Copy !req
167. Hold on, I've got some mail for him, too.Copy !req
168. It's you, Shug. Congratulations!Copy !req
169. I'm not trying to tell youCopy !req
170. how to do your business,Copy !req
171. but the Durndle torch guy cried.Copy !req
172. Very moving.Copy !req
173. So how does it feel
to be the official torch-bearer?Copy !req
174. Are you filled with pride?Copy !req
175. Humility?Copy !req
176. What are you filled with, Shug?
Arlen wants to know.Copy !req
177. Mostly confusion.Copy !req
178. See, I didn't, uh...Copy !req
179. I will tell you
what he is not filled with.Copy !req
180. Shame.Copy !req
181. For nominating himself behind my back.Copy !req
182. I wonder what else you do back there
without me knowing.Copy !req
183. Let's get some B-roll of me smiling.Copy !req
184. I didn't nominate myself.Copy !req
185. I haven't written an essay
since high school.Copy !req
186. And I specifically remember it was notCopy !req
187. "Why I Should Carry the Torch."Copy !req
188. It was about hammers.Copy !req
189. It's okay.Copy !req
190. You deserve it more than I do.Copy !req
191. You're a good loser, son.Copy !req
192. Thanks.Copy !req
193. Maybe someday I'll get a trophy for that.Copy !req
194. So, Hank, if you did not write that essay,Copy !req
195. who did?Copy !req
196. I don't know.Copy !req
197. Probably just some satisfied customer.Copy !req
198. The identity of the secret essay writer's
a secret...Copy !req
199. until now!Copy !req
200. Paragraph one, paragraph two,
Hank's signature.Copy !req
201. What?Copy !req
202. Dang it, Dale! You remember how mad I wasCopy !req
203. when you guys washed my truck
without permission.Copy !req
204. But you were right, Hank.Copy !req
205. The torch should go to someone
really deserving,Copy !req
206. and that's you,Copy !req
207. even if we didn't win State.Copy !req
208. After all, Hank,
America is not just a land of opportunity.Copy !req
209. It is a land of redemption.Copy !req
210. It's from the essay.Copy !req
211. Damn, that's good.Copy !req
212. Hoist her up. Let's see how she looks.Copy !req
213. Yeah, let's see them pits!
Statue of Liberty, man.Copy !req
214. You finally made it!Copy !req
215. Yum.Copy !req
216. Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!Copy !req
217. This salsa is stinging my cuts.Copy !req
218. I'm fixin' to bring out
the tortilla chips.Copy !req
219. I'm not goin' to tell you again.Copy !req
220. How's it feel, Dad?Copy !req
221. Is it everything I hoped it would be?Copy !req
222. I don't want to be here,Copy !req
223. and I wouldn't be
if Dale hadn't baked all day.Copy !req
224. Well, then, you shouldn't have had
your henchmen write that essay.Copy !req
225. Y'all want to see what Dale's
been keeping in the basementCopy !req
226. for the last 20 years?Copy !req
227. No, no, not that.Copy !req
228. I made him donate that
to the teaching hospital.Copy !req
229. Boomhauer...Copy !req
230. The year is 1979.Copy !req
231. Every week,
the entire nation turns for hopeCopy !req
232. to Laverne and Shirley.Copy !req
233. Ted Koppel arranges to have
44 Americans held hostageCopy !req
234. on a sound stage in BurbankCopy !req
235. by actors impersonating Iranian fanatics.Copy !req
236. And Arlen's leading all-time rusher
is Hank Hill.Copy !req
237. The hopes and dreams of a small Texas town
in the state of TexasCopy !req
238. rest squarely
on the broad athletic shouldersCopy !req
239. of their star running back,Copy !req
240. and his trusted towel manager.Copy !req
241. Look at Hank go.Copy !req
242. Running all over those men.Copy !req
243. He doesn't care who he steps on
to get his glory.Copy !req
244. Nothing has changed.Copy !req
245. - Touchdown!
Yay, Dad!Copy !req
246. - Go, Dad!
- Okay, stop it.Copy !req
247. No one wants to watch this.Copy !req
248. Hey, who wants to dance?Copy !req
249. Dale, help me move that couch.Copy !req
250. Ugh, dang it!Copy !req
251. What's the matter, Hank?Copy !req
252. You don't want to see the part
where you broke your ankle?Copy !req
253. Film's a little grainy,
but I think you can see bone.Copy !req
254. Yeah, man, it's like he's going
back there in the pocketCopy !req
255. and you see a little ol' snap,
then you hear that snap.Copy !req
256. Oh, man.Copy !req
257. I don't want to see my ankle,Copy !req
258. and I don't want to carry the dang torch!Copy !req
259. Uh...Copy !req
260. Anyone want to see Nancy in an art film?Copy !req
261. Shug!Copy !req
262. Dad.Copy !req
263. Someday, someone's going to makeCopy !req
264. the world's largest fruit pie,Copy !req
265. and the next day, I'm going to getCopy !req
266. in the Guinness Book of World Records
for eating it.Copy !req
267. Bobby,Copy !req
268. I'm not in the mood for riddles right now.Copy !req
269. I'm just saying,
I hope you aren't backing outCopy !req
270. because you feel bad for me.Copy !req
271. I'll have my moment in the sun someday.Copy !req
272. But this one's yours.Copy !req
273. You're a hero.Copy !req
274. You took Arlen High to State.Copy !req
275. I'm not a hero.Copy !req
276. - I'm a disgrace.Copy !req
277. Okay, your trousers are filthy.Copy !req
278. But so were everybody else's.Copy !req
279. Forget about it.Copy !req
280. Keep watching.Copy !req
281. Wow!Copy !req
282. There's more.Copy !req
283. That's amazing!Copy !req
284. I didn't realize people walked
like Egyptians back then.Copy !req
285. It's shameful.Copy !req
286. The worst kind of useless showboating.Copy !req
287. The only thing missing was an earring.Copy !req
288. And on the very next playCopy !req
289. going for the two-point conversionCopy !req
290. that would have won us the championship,Copy !req
291. I broke my ankle.Copy !req
292. God was punishing me for being prideful.Copy !req
293. He didn't give me a fatal heart attackCopy !req
294. because he still wanted me
to sell propane,Copy !req
295. but he made his point.Copy !req
296. That's crazy.Copy !req
297. God wasn't punishing you.Copy !req
298. It was just a coincidence.Copy !req
299. No, it wasn't.Copy !req
300. It was God.Copy !req
301. Is this why you're so uptight
all the time?Copy !req
302. Because you think something bad
is going to happen if you act happy?Copy !req
303. Remember when you saw that bumper stickerCopy !req
304. "Honk if you love America"?Copy !req
305. You smiled, pumped your arm,
and honked twice.Copy !req
306. I do love America.Copy !req
307. And your car didn't go off the road.Copy !req
308. You're right.Copy !req
309. We drove home safely.Copy !req
310. You know, he's only 13 years old,Copy !req
311. but maybe Bobby's onto somethingCopy !req
312. with this "it's okay to feel good" stuff.Copy !req
313. Well, if Bobby says it's all right
for you to run with the torch, I...Copy !req
314. I will not oppose him.Copy !req
315. And I will not oppose you.Copy !req
316. I will let you run unopposed.Copy !req
317. I know running with the torchCopy !req
318. won't get me on the front
of a Wheaties box,Copy !req
319. But it sure does give me
that "front of a Wheaties box" feeling.Copy !req
320. Come on, less talky, more walky.Copy !req
321. Give me another point-five miles.Copy !req
322. Hot or cold towel, Hank?Copy !req
323. Well, my torch hand
is getting a little slippery.Copy !req
324. Look at us.Copy !req
325. Just like when we were in high school.Copy !req
326. You secreting, me absorbing.Copy !req
327. And you know, these are
the very same towels from back then.Copy !req
328. Hey, it's, uh, Hank Hill, the torch guy.Copy !req
329. You were 12 across in today's
Arlen Bystander crossword puzzle.Copy !req
330. Will you sign it for me?Copy !req
331. In pencil?Copy !req
332. Hank! Hank!Copy !req
333. Come on, give 'em a little taste, Dad.Copy !req
334. Hank! Hank! Hank!Copy !req
335. Hank! Hank! Hank!Copy !req
336. Okay, remember, honey,
you're going to be on TV,Copy !req
337. so do not do that thing with your nose
that you're not aware of.Copy !req
338. What thing?Copy !req
339. I'm here live
with Arlen torch-bearer, Hank Hill.Copy !req
340. Which hand do you think
you will carry the torch in?Copy !req
341. The right.Copy !req
342. Did you give any thought
to any other hand?Copy !req
343. No, I did not.Copy !req
344. Sounds like
the Durndle torch-bearer approacheth.Copy !req
345. Finally. It took him forever.Copy !req
346. Well, they're not exactly swift
in Durndle.Copy !req
347. There he is! Come on!Copy !req
348. Oh, he is so brave.Copy !req
349. Hank, wait! Uh...Copy !req
350. Dang it, Dale.Copy !req
351. This flame traveled 3,000 milesCopy !req
352. plus the distance from the sun to Greece.Copy !req
353. You're tarnishing the spirit
of the Winter Games.Copy !req
354. Au contraire.Copy !req
355. I'm inhaling it.Copy !req
356. Remember, Dad,Copy !req
357. pace, grace and dignity.Copy !req
358. Now move out!Copy !req
359. Yeah!Copy !req
360. Way to go!Copy !req
361. Oh, my God, stop him!Copy !req
362. He's running in the wrong direction!Copy !req
363. Oh! Oh.Copy !req
364. Oh, no, he's not.Copy !req
365. He's not, people. Everything's fine!Copy !req
366. I'm so darn happy,
I'd skip the rest of the way.Copy !req
367. Thank you, Bobby.Copy !req
368. Whoo!Copy !req
369. No.
Hank!Copy !req
370. Have you been shot?Copy !req
371. No, but I deserve to be.Copy !req
372. Oh, my God! The flame is out!Copy !req
373. The Olympics are over!Copy !req
374. Those poor athletes.Copy !req
375. All their training for nothing.Copy !req
376. You see, Bobby?Copy !req
377. This is what happens when you act happy.Copy !req
378. Thanks a lot.Copy !req
379. I...Copy !req
380. I was just trying to help.Copy !req
381. Okay. I will go find an Olympic official.Copy !req
382. Or would you like
to turn yourself in, Hank?Copy !req
383. No. I already ruined
the most important game in Texas history.Copy !req
384. I'm not going to ruin these games.Copy !req
385. All right, here's the plan.Copy !req
386. I didn't fall,
and the flame didn't go out.Copy !req
387. Is everybody clear on the plan?Copy !req
388. That's not the real flame.Copy !req
389. That's just fire.Copy !req
390. It's cheating.Copy !req
391. No, no, it's fine.Copy !req
392. It looks exactly like the old flame.Copy !req
393. Go! Go! Go!Copy !req
394. He's running with a flaming lie.Copy !req
395. How am I going to enjoy the figure skatingCopy !req
396. with this dark cloud hanging over us?Copy !req
397. Bobby, if your father
doesn't go through with this,Copy !req
398. the Hills will be forever knownCopy !req
399. as the family that ruined the Olympics.Copy !req
400. Now, I can go back
to using my maiden name.Copy !req
401. I have no idea what you will do.Copy !req
402. Come on, Arlen!Copy !req
403. Only 20 more feet and it's all you.Copy !req
404. Yeah, you got it!Copy !req
405. This is for the rings, baby!Copy !req
406. What the...Copy !req
407. Come on, man!
It's only a couple more steps.Copy !req
408. Why is he slowing down?Copy !req
409. He's 40.Copy !req
410. Cut him some slack.Copy !req
411. Stop hotdoggin' it.Copy !req
412. You had your time in the sun.Copy !req
413. Come on, baby, give me some flame.Copy !req
414. What are you doing?Copy !req
415. Loser!Copy !req
416. Oh, man, that is weak!Copy !req
417. He put it out.Copy !req
418. 'Cause he's a quitter.Copy !req
419. I never quit.Copy !req
420. Hell, I've been smoking for 30 years.Copy !req
421. The flame!Copy !req
422. My oral fixation!Copy !req
423. But you don't understand.Copy !req
424. That wasn't the real flame.Copy !req
425. You don't understand!Copy !req
426. I lost 500 pounds.Copy !req
427. I'm a hero.Copy !req
428. Don't worry, Dad.Copy !req
429. I'm coming as fast as I can.Copy !req
430. This cigarette was lit
with the Olympic torch.Copy !req
431. The flame lives!Copy !req
432. All right, Bobby!Copy !req
433. It's going out.Copy !req
434. Mr. Gribble...Copy !req
435. smoke!Copy !req
436. Hey!Copy !req
437. Hold on.Copy !req
438. Bobby, you earned it.Copy !req
439. All right, the last guy put it out.Copy !req
440. The bar's pretty low, Todd.Copy !req
441. You can do it.Copy !req
442. That's right, McMaynerbury.Copy !req
443. Brother running with a torch
and not a damn thing you can do about it!Copy !req
444. For preserving the honor and integrityCopy !req
445. of the Olympic flame
and all it represents,Copy !req
446. I hereby award this trophyCopy !req
447. to Bobby Hill.Copy !req
448. I guess if you wanted
to do a celebration dance,Copy !req
449. that'd be all right.Copy !req
450. Not now, Dad.Copy !req
451. Now!Copy !req
452. Okay. That's enough, Bobby.Copy !req
453. Mm-hm. Hey!Copy !req