King of the Hill 6x11

Directed by Anthony Lioi

Jack Carter as Irwin Linker (voice) • Edward Asner as Stinky (voice) • David Herman as Eustis Miller (voice) • John C. McGinley as One-Armed Ronnie / Ranger (voice) • Phil LaMarr as Vietnam War Veteran (voice)

Cotton's financially strapped VFW group moves into Hank's home, prompting Hank to recruit Vietnam vets, to whom Cotton doesn't exactly cotton.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. All right, everybody. Who likes money?

2. I do, honey.

3. Good. Then I need you to go down to the VFW,

4. and collect this much.

5. Those vets are three months behind on their propane bill.

6. The VFW?

7. Those guys are war heroes.

8. Sending a Joe Jack to hit them up for money is,

9. well, kind of an insult.

10. At least send an Enrique or a Roger Sack.

11. Hank, I am tired of talking about this.

12. You get me that money yourself.

13. The mother of my bastard is all over me

14. for more child support.

15. Well, I understand.

16. I have a boy of my own.

17. A-N-Z-I-O.

18. Anzio.

19. You can't use that. I challenge.

20. What? Cha... challenge?

21. The battle of Anzio.

22. 30th day of January, 1944.

23. We caught the Krauts with their pants down

24. and their schnitzel exposed.

25. We'd taken the beach by noon,

26. the town by nightfall.

27. I can still taste the Chianti out of that señora's navel.

28. All right, it's a proper noun, but, damn it, I'll allow it.

29. God, she was a piece.

30. Triple word score, 42 points.

31. Uh, hey, Dad.

32. Uh, to quote Mr. Strickland,

33. I don't mean to be a "pro-pane" in the butt...

34. but...

35. Uh, you owe 416 dollars and 29 cents

36. on your propane bill.

37. I think I can get the five-dollar late fee waived.

38. Oh, I'm sorry.

39. I must have dropped that money somewhere in the Philippines,

40. fighting for your freedom, you damn draft dodger!

41. You mean to tell me that this blood-sucking gonif

42. never served his country?

43. Four-F. Got out on account of his narrow urethra.

44. Only uniform he ever wore was the Boy Scouts.

45. I made it to Eagle Scout.

46. And, Dad, you know the war was over.

47. Besides, I tried to enlist,

48. but the Army felt I wouldn't be able to relieve myself efficiently

49. under duress.

50. Especially in front of others.

51. Look, I didn't come here to fight.

52. Of course you didn't, you coward!

53. We ain't got your money! Take a look around!

54. You see Fat Brooklyn, Cookie, or Tommy-gun Scanlon?

55. Uh, no.

56. Dead. All dead!

57. And dead men don't pay no dues.

58. Now, get out of my sight!

59. Come back tomorrow, we's having a fund-raiser.

60. Let's do our shopping before the "Salvation Army" invades.

61. Get it? Salvation...

62. Oh, I should get a medal for wit.

63. And you know what I would call that medal?

64. I would call it the...

65. I don't know.

66. Hey, there's my dad.

67. Get your war hero memorabilia here!

68. All items must go.

69. Amuse your friends and thrill the ladies

70. with an authentic Nazi skull.

71. Priced to move.

72. Dad, are you selling your medals?

73. Yes, I am, you four-eyed four-F-er.

74. I should charge you a buck and a quarter just for looking at 'em.

75. But when I was a kid, you wouldn't even let me polish them.

76. Well, it's sell the medals or lose the VFW.

77. We can't pay the rent no more.

78. Now, if you'll excuse me

79. there's a twig boy eyeing Hitler's canoe.

80. I'm prepared to offer 100 dollars American for the canoe.

81. And don't try to haggle with me.

82. I'm an attorney.

83. Boy, this ain't any canoe.

84. This is Hitler's canoe.

85. Five hundred!

86. Look, I'm just buying it for a camping trip.

87. It's going to cost me 40 dollars

88. just to paint over the swastika on the other side.

89. What? Paint over the swastika?

90. It's a war trophy.

91. You're painting over my victory!

92. The deal is off!

93. Well, too bad.

94. Fine!

95. Sold!

96. Hank, do something useful for once in your life

97. and help me carry Hitler's canoe out to this...

98. patriot's car.

99. Boy, this fits my hand like a comfortable shoe.

100. Careful. That's an antique falconer's glove.

101. Belonged to Hermann Goering.

102. For you, 80 bucks.

103. Do you accept prepaid phone cards?

104. Aunt Peggy, I don't think this is right.

105. He's a very old man.

106. Luanne, this is for charity.

107. - Oh, yeah!

108. Yeah, it's the maroon Mitsubishi.

109. Mitsubishi?

110. They made the planes that bombed Pearl Harbor.

111. I ain't selling Hitler's canoe to no traitor.

112. We had a verbal agreement.

113. You're a witness.

114. You don't deserve no Hitler's canoe.

115. - Dad, calm down.

116. Don't tell me to calm down, Boy Scout!

117. I'm a war hero!

118. I killed 50 men!

119. Now, hop in your sushi boat and git.

120. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

121. All... all right, all right.

122. Listen up! If you're driving a Nazi car

123. or an Italian scooter,

124. get your Axis-loving ass out of here!

125. - Let's go. - But I paid for another throw.

126. Ah!

127. Where'd you get that bird?

128. Internet.

129. What's the hood for?

130. Uh, I think you take it off

131. when you want him to do a trick.

132. Eeh. Make him do a trick.

133. Okay.

134. Falcon, do a loop-the-loop...

135. - Yeah. - ... a barrel roll...

136. - Yeah. - Scratch that.

137. A reverse barrel roll,

138. then back to the glove.

139. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

140. Shi-sha!

141. Ta-da.

142. Seized by the sheriff?

143. Oh, we've been captured on our own soil.

144. Incoming.

145. I've got two platoons of propane right here

146. and reinforcements are on the way.

147. Hank, go away.

148. It's all over.

149. No, no, I worked out an easy payment plan.

150. I've got pre-stamped envelopes.

151. You don't have to sell any more of your stuff.

152. We ain't selling it.

153. It's being repoed.

154. Oh, Dad, I'm sorry.

155. Here's everything we got from the rummage sale, 41 dollars.

156. Now, git.

157. It's four o'clock. Time for Judge Judy.

158. Uh, shouldn't that TV be plugged in?

159. Oh, Dad, you guys deserve better than this.

160. You're damn straight we do!

161. Bring us a heat lamp!

162. And some sandwiches.

163. I'm so goddang hungry.

164. Hey, Peggy, guess what.

165. Welcome to the new VFW headquarters, Hank's wife!

166. Sorry, we broke your crapper.

167. It is 2:00 a.m.

168. Now, I am as patriotic as the next person.

169. But if I am not at the top of my teaching game,

170. it is the children who suffer.

171. They promised they'd go home as soon as the movie was over.

172. I can't go in there and just turn off the Duke.

173. They looked like little angels sleeping there.

174. The smell was unimaginable.

175. Well, I'll shuttle them home in the morning.

176. I bet I could do it in four trips.

177. What they need is some new blood to join their organization.

178. Maybe they could merge with the Kiwanis.

179. Now, wait a minute, what about Vietnam?

180. Those guys always have some kind of float in the parade.

181. And I heard the landlord's having a heck of a time

182. renting out the VFW building.

183. Maybe if the old vets could get the Vietnam guys to join up,

184. they could get their post back.

185. Well, I know a Vietnam vet.

186. Dr. Sarti, my gynecologist.

187. They needed those guys over there?

188. Hank, I keep in touch with some of the guys from my unit,

189. but none of us really have time to sit around rehashing war stories.

190. I've got a family and a very successful practice.

191. I understand.

192. I treat a lot of prominent women.

193. Uh, okay, then.

194. Deputy mayors and such.

195. Yeah, thank you very much for your time.

196. Hey, you know, a patient of mine, Karen Schwindt,

197. chronic yeast infection,

198. her husband runs a support group for vets.

199. They still like to talk about the Nam. I'll call you with his number.

200. - Thank you, Dr. Sarti. - Wish I could be of more help.

201. Uh...

202. Goodbye, Doctor. Sir.

203. Well, I've been doing a little research

204. and I found out you need to train falcons.

205. Oh. That's probably why it attacked me.

206. He has completed my training course as have I, his.

207. Turns out falcons are hunting birds.

208. They catch mice, rats, moles, voles and chipmunks.

209. What's a vole?

210. Don't know. Let's find out.

211. Falcon, bring us back a vole!

212. - Shi-sha! - No!

213. It bites!

214. Get it off! Aah!

215. So Bill's a vole.

216. I ran into a guy from my unit.

217. Skullcrusher.

218. Manages a shoe store.

219. How come I can't get it together?

220. It's not a race, man.

221. But as long as you keep taking your meds,

222. you are moving forward.

223. It's cool. It's cool. We're just out of time.

224. See you next week.

225. Uh, hi. I'm Hank Hill.

226. I talked to you on the phone.

227. Right. Dr. Sarti's friend.

228. What's on your mind?

229. Well, I wanted to talk to y'all

230. about joining the VFW.

231. Huh?

232. We tried that already.

233. When me and TJ got home from the war,

234. we went over to the Arlen VFW.

235. This short guy headbutted TJ right in the nads.

236. Uh, yeah, that was probably my dad, and...

237. and he feels bad about that.

238. Yeah?

239. Uh, yeah, sure.

240. You know that World War II vets are looking to reach out to you guys,

241. but they feel guilty and, you know, that other stuff, and...

242. Well, you should get together and talk about it.

243. Look, they want you to come to a barbecue.

244. Just hear them out.

245. We'll meet them, but no promises.

246. TJ: One more thing.

247. Do I need to bring a bathing suit?

248. Vietnam boys?

249. No goddang way!

250. The VFW stands for Veterans of Foreign Wars,

251. not Reefer-Smoking Losers.

252. But they fought and died for their country

253. just like you guys did.

254. Zip it, boy! I'm trying to watch my nudie channel.

255. Now, get along!

256. What... Wha... I...

257. Well, now, where's my nudie channel?

258. Hold it!

259. I think this one's ready to take her top off.

260. Uh, that's Diane Sawyer, Dad.

261. She's not going to take her top off, is she?

262. You know, if the Vietnam vets started paying dues,

263. I'll bet you could afford a whole bunch of nudie channels.

264. If any of these sissies whines about Agent Orange,

265. I'll split them butt to brow.

266. Look at those guys, all over each other.

267. Sickening.

268. Oh, now, that's probably just part of the therapy.

269. That's, uh...

270. Well...

271. Okay, that is a little creepy.

272. Hey, you found us.

273. No sweat. I did recon in Nam.

274. And we saw the balloons from the highway.

275. Well, greetings, fellow veterans.

276. I'm the CO here.

277. Colonel Cotton Hill, 77th Division, US Army.

278. As I was just telling my boy here,

279. we think you are all...

280. "worthy" to join the VFW

281. and start paying dues immediately.

282. Whoa! Slow down, Colonel.

283. We're not sure we want to join.

284. The Arlen VFW's ignored us for 25 years.

285. Heck, the Vietcong invited us back before you did,

286. and they gave us free mopeds for the week.

287. Look, I'm sorry.

288. I guess we weren't used to losing a war.

289. Well, excuse us for not just dropping a couple of atomic bombs!

290. Hey, hey, fellas. I know something we can all agree on.

291. Beer.

292. What say we invade the cooler?

293. Yeah.

294. This one time, my buddy Lenny

295. was showing me a picture of his wife.

296. Wind comes up out of nowhere

297. and blows the picture away.

298. Lenny goes chasing after it.

299. Sniper got him in the right temple.

300. My best friend got killed just because he missed his wife.

301. I spent four years away from my wife in dogfights

302. with Zeroes over the Pacific.

303. Those four years in my F6 Hellcat

304. were the only peace and quiet I ever got!

305. Anyone got a bottle opener?

306. Yes, sir, Colonel, sir!

307. Hey, a bayonet.

308. Toss that over here.

309. Boy, this takes me back.

310. Topsy, remember that kamikaze you gutted back on Iwo?

311. What did he say?

312. Stop it! Stop it!

313. You're freaking Ronnie out, man.

314. Uh, maybe you should ease up a little, Dad.

315. Colonel, these guys are trauma cases.

316. They've got delicate psyches.

317. Stop it! Stop it!

318. Oh, come on, boy. This bothers you?

319. How about this?

320. Cut it out!

321. Hey, easy there, big boy.

322. Come and get me, you cowards!

323. Oh, no.

324. Let's get that midget son of a bitch!

325. Come on, people! Remember your breathing exercises!

326. That big loony swung on me!

327. I was just defending myself.

328. Well, why did you push him?

329. I found those guys at a trauma ward.

330. Well, maybe we can go back when they've cooled down.

331. I'll get them drunk

332. and we'll put things right.

333. Dad, listen to me.

334. They're going to cut our heads off.

335. They're getting close.

336. Quick, Dad, hop up on my back.

337. I ain't no papoose.

338. Well, uh...

339. Look, on account of your combat experience,

340. maybe you could see what's going on better from up there.

341. Hmm, not a terrible idea.

342. - This will be my command post.

343. Over there!

344. Move it!

345. This is real bad, man.

346. You guys might've undone 30 years of therapy.

347. Dirty hippie.

348. You know, you could benefit from a little group therapy.

349. Clear up some of that anger.

350. I haven't slept in 50 years.

351. I'm so tired.

352. Come on. Faster, mule, faster!

353. - Hyah! Hyah!

354. Hell, it'd be faster if I carried you on my shoulders.

355. Despite my expert navigation, you still managed to get us lost.

356. Nice job.

357. Hold on, Dad.

358. I know the highway runs along the southern edge of the forest.

359. If we keep heading south, we can eventually find help.

360. Well, how we going to find south?

361. You pack a compass in your Boy Scout purse?

362. Hmm...

363. Moss.

364. Moss always grows on the north side of a tree.

365. Hmm.

366. All right, Dad, saddle up.

367. Goddang! We're trapped like rats.

368. No, we're not.

369. There's a beaver hole. See the tracks?

370. Where there's a beaver hole,

371. there's got to be a beaver dam.

372. Now, let's follow the current.

373. The dam's got to be downstream.

374. There it is!

375. No, this ain't a flashback.

376. You're losing again!

377. If you're wondering where the falcon is,

378. I let him go in the woods.

379. Kept the glove, though.

380. Keeps my beer from cooling my hand,

381. and keeps my hand from warming my beer.

382. And it looks pretty badass.

383. - Do you think I could wear... - No.

384. Well, not to beat a dead horse, fellas,

385. but what is your favorite kind of sausage?

386. Chicken and apple, breakfast patty?

387. Italian? Spicy Italian? Sweet Ital...

388. Aw. He found his way home.

389. We should head downhill.

390. There's more tree cover,

391. and we should be able to hit the highway.

392. You draft-dodging ninny.

393. The first rule of combat

394. is to take the high ground.

395. Now, uphill, boy!

396. March! Shnell! Shnell!

397. Oh, hell. I pooped the bed.

398. Up there, boys!

399. Dad, you wait here.

400. I'll try to find some footholds that will support both of us.

401. There's got to be a way out of here.

402. Boy!

403. We're surrounded.

404. All right, get behind me. I'll try to fight them off.

405. I've got a pretty thick neck.

406. Maybe while they're sawing through it, you can slip down the hill.

407. I ain't leaving.

408. They're going to have to gut me, too!

409. I'm sorry, Dad.

410. It was a bad idea to try to get everyone together.

411. - I guess I just... - Goddang it, Hank!

412. Don't apologize! You did everything right.

413. I screwed up.

414. Sometimes you can do everything right and still lose.

415. It ain't your fault.

416. You gave it everything you had.

417. That's all I ever asked of my men.

418. Thanks for trying, soldier.

419. That's all we ever wanted to hear.

420. "You did your best."

421. "Thanks for trying."

422. Well, I got to say I'm surprised you fellas are as good as you is.

423. Shoot, you captured Cotton Hill.

424. The whole Nazi Army couldn't do that.

425. As commanding officer of the local VFW post,

426. I would be honored to have you fellas join our organization,

427. on the one condition that you stop all this goddang bawling.

428. We'll, uh, do our best, Colonel.

429. Now, what are you smiling about?

430. Oh, you think you're getting your propane bill paid.

431. Well, you ain't.

432. You're in a long line behind cable, hooch and scooch.

433. You ever get shot?

434. I got a plate in my head.

435. No kidding? I got no shins.

436. It bites!