1. I have corrected your geometry homework
from last night.Copy !req
2. For anyone who did not get
the extra-credit question,Copy !req
3. Peggy Hill was the Substitute Teacher
of the Year in 1996.Copy !req
4. I got number four wrong.Copy !req
5. Explain it, please.Copy !req
6. Okay.Copy !req
7. True or false.Copy !req
8. "A circle of diameter three...Copy !req
9. has a larger area
than a square of side three."Copy !req
10. And the answer, of course, is...Copy !req
11. false.Copy !req
12. Why?Copy !req
13. Well, just look at it.Copy !req
14. It's got the, uh, areas,
and your diameters.Copy !req
15. You can't show your work.Copy !req
16. She stinks.Copy !req
17. Of course, I can.Copy !req
18. But if I have to waste all my time
explaining number four to you,Copy !req
19. I will not have time
to explain number five.Copy !req
20. True.Copy !req
21. You know, if we're going to follow
the Cowboys around when we retire,Copy !req
22. we'll be going to your Green Bays
and your Minnesotas.Copy !req
23. So, an RV with a heated steering wheel
just makes sense.Copy !req
24. Eh, of course, that means
we'll need the luxury cruiser,Copy !req
25. which is 5,000 more
than the deluxe cruiser.Copy !req
26. So, how much extra per month
do we need to put away?Copy !req
27. And just what is that supposed to mean?Copy !req
28. You think I can't do basic math?Copy !req
29. Is that why you always handle
the retirement account?Copy !req
30. That's crazy.Copy !req
31. You know I just enjoy going to the bank.Copy !req
32. Well, I am going from now on. Comprende?Copy !req
33. Oh. Hank, I'm sorry.Copy !req
34. The truth is,
something else is upsetting me.Copy !req
35. Oh.Copy !req
36. Well, okay.Copy !req
37. You feel better?Copy !req
38. No.Copy !req
39. Hank, my entire life,Copy !req
40. I have always had all the answers.Copy !req
41. And today I didn't, and I'm scared.Copy !req
42. What if I'm really not as smart
as I think I am?Copy !req
43. Aw, come on, Peggy,
you've got an IQ of 170.Copy !req
44. You've said so lots of times.Copy !req
45. Yes, but... but there could be
a margin of error,Copy !req
46. especially when it's just my own estimate.Copy !req
47. Hank, I have never taken
an IQ test in my life.Copy !req
48. Oh, God, what if I'm average?Copy !req
49. Do you have any idea how dumb average is?Copy !req
50. "The only intelligence testing siteCopy !req
51. endorsed by the Intelligence
Institute of Texas."Copy !req
52. Even I sound smart reading that.Copy !req
53. Okay, Bobby, this needs to be official.Copy !req
54. Ready?Copy !req
55. And go!Copy !req
56. Done!Copy !req
57. Oh, yeah!Copy !req
58. Bobby, you got a People and a Teen People.Copy !req
59. Peggy, you got a letter
from "The Intelligence Institute of..."Copy !req
60. "Dear Genius,Copy !req
61. based on your high intelligence score,Copy !req
62. we extend an invitation
to join an elite group...Copy !req
63. the 150 smartest people in Texas.Copy !req
64. Copies of the handsome
official registry of membersCopy !req
65. featuring your name...Copy !req
66. Peggy Hill.Copy !req
67. may be purchased for only 39.99,
a 59.99 value!"Copy !req
68. Can we buy one?Copy !req
69. "The registry will be presented to meCopy !req
70. at a ceremonial dinner at the Hotel Arlen.Copy !req
71. No guests, of course,Copy !req
72. unless they're also certified geniuses."Copy !req
73. Well, that's okay.Copy !req
74. You go ahead and have fun.Copy !req
75. I'll just stay home
and watch the ball game.Copy !req
76. Unless you want me to take that test.Copy !req
77. Oh, Hank!Copy !req
78. My Nancy's a genius, too.Copy !req
79. A genius at having a great can!Copy !req
80. Yeah.Copy !req
81. Peggy's pretty excited
about getting her name in this bookCopy !req
82. that the Institute puts out.Copy !req
83. "Institute"?Copy !req
84. Yeah. The Intelligence Institute.Copy !req
85. They recommend that we buy 20 books,Copy !req
86. but I'm hoping Peggy
will be satisfied with eight.Copy !req
87. Twenty books, eh?Copy !req
88. So, "they" administer the test,
and "they" sell the books?Copy !req
89. Sounds like "she" is getting
ripped off by "they-em."Copy !req
90. Now, wait a second...Copy !req
91. You're getting scammed.Copy !req
92. I should know.Copy !req
93. I lost a bundle
to that gypsy modeling school.Copy !req
94. Oh, Peggy.Copy !req
95. I'm just saying if something
sounds too good to be true,Copy !req
96. it probably is.Copy !req
97. The books are almost 40 dollars each.Copy !req
98. That is not a very good deal.Copy !req
99. You know those pads
of 8x10 scratch paper Dale gave us?Copy !req
100. The ones with the picture of himCopy !req
101. holding a tennis racket?Copy !req
102. Well, it turns out
those were part of a scam.Copy !req
103. Maybe you should go talk to him
before going to this dinner.Copy !req
104. Honey, it is sweet of you to be worried,Copy !req
105. but I do not need your help.Copy !req
106. Ooh, I wish my lenses were thicker.Copy !req
107. Hello, my name is Dr. Robert Vayzosa.Copy !req
108. I'm the provost
of the Intelligence Institute.Copy !req
109. It's such a pleasure and an honor,Copy !req
110. and a little intimidating, I must say,Copy !req
111. to be standing here before you.Copy !req
112. My gosh. But before we begin
the presentation of the books...Copy !req
113. - Ta-da!Copy !req
114. Oh.Copy !req
115. Uh, I'd like to talk about an exciting wayCopy !req
116. for you to take your brain power
and your lives to the max.Copy !req
117. To the max?Copy !req
118. You're all familiar with the benefits
of a PhD degree.Copy !req
119. The clerk at the bank
once said 110 degrees!Copy !req
120. But what if you could get that
same prestigious degree at homeCopy !req
121. through a series of super-concentratedCopy !req
122. for geniuses only courses?Copy !req
123. Now, I know what you're thinking.
There's go to be a catch.Copy !req
124. Well, there is.Copy !req
125. You've got to be a genius.Copy !req
126. Yeah. Yeah!Copy !req
127. I've always wanted a PhD,Copy !req
128. but 999 dollars, it...Copy !req
129. it just seems like a lot of money.Copy !req
130. If I had a PhD,Copy !req
131. I'd stop being a sports announcerCopy !req
132. and start calling chess games and such.Copy !req
133. I would quit my job
as a housekeeper at Econosuites.Copy !req
134. I'm Jimmy.Copy !req
135. I work at the car race
where the cars race.Copy !req
136. If I was Dr. Jimmy,
no one would call me stupid.Copy !req
137. "Dr. Jimmy" does have a ring to it.Copy !req
138. Hey, I thought of it first!Copy !req
139. - Well, I know...
- Give it back!Copy !req
140. - I...
- Give it back to me!Copy !req
141. Uh, excuse me, geniuses,Copy !req
142. I hope you won't mind if borrow,
uh, Mrs. Hill.Copy !req
143. Um, Dr. Vayzosa,Copy !req
144. I must admit, I am a little surprised
to see Jimmy Wichert here.Copy !req
145. I'm quite familiar with the man and his...Copy !req
146. work, and I...Copy !req
147. Peggy, Peggy, if you dropped a box
of toothpicks in front of him,Copy !req
148. you'd understand why we at the InstituteCopy !req
149. expect great, great things
from Jimmy Wichert.Copy !req
150. However, they're nothingCopy !req
151. compared to what we expect from you.Copy !req
152. Oh.Copy !req
153. Peggy, I think you
could be my greatest student.Copy !req
154. I feel the same way.Copy !req
155. But I don't have 999 dollars.Copy !req
156. Aha!Copy !req
157. Well, let's think about that. Um...Copy !req
158. Do you have, uh, an IRA?Copy !req
159. Savings account?Copy !req
160. A car? Do you have a car?Copy !req
161. Well, uh, my husband and I
have been saving for our retirement.Copy !req
162. Well, Peggy, with a PhD in hand,Copy !req
163. your earning power, uh,
is going to skyrocket.Copy !req
164. Pa-choom!Copy !req
165. I don't have to tell a genius
what a doctor earns.Copy !req
166. Peggy, are you worth investing in?Copy !req
167. Who should I make it out to?Copy !req
168. Uh, "cash" is fine.Copy !req
169. Welcome to America'sCopy !req
170. most prestigious boxed degree program.Copy !req
171. Let's begin our learning adventure.Copy !req
172. Please open workbook number one. Shapes.Copy !req
173. Circle the word on the right
that corresponds...Copy !req
174. This concludes workbook number 40Copy !req
175. and your PhD course work.Copy !req
176. Congratulations on your achievement...Copy !req
177. Doctor.Copy !req
178. What a night!Copy !req
179. Say, "good morning" to Dr. Peggy Hill.Copy !req
180. And how about some eggs, Doctor?Copy !req
181. Bobby, don't make fun of your mother.Copy !req
182. Hank, let me bring you up to speed.Copy !req
183. I have a PhD now.Copy !req
184. Mm-hm. The Intelligence Institute
sold me everything I needed.Copy !req
185. They sold you a PhD?Copy !req
186. For how much?Copy !req
187. Nine hundred ninety-nine dollars.Copy !req
188. What? Where the heck
did you get that kind of money?Copy !req
189. From our retirement account.Copy !req
190. That was supposed to be our rewardCopy !req
191. for all the years of responsibility.Copy !req
192. How could you do this, Peggy?Copy !req
193. Wait. Are you mad
because I didn't do this sooner?Copy !req
194. No. I'm mad
because I didn't put my foot downCopy !req
195. the moment I knew
you were in over your headCopy !req
196. with a bunch of con artists.Copy !req
197. Oh, I see.Copy !req
198. Oh. So, the only people
who think I am smart enoughCopy !req
199. to earn a doctorate must be con artists,
is that it?Copy !req
200. I'm not convinced
they think you're all that smart, Peggy.Copy !req
201. They could have rigged that testCopy !req
202. so anyone would look like a genius.Copy !req
203. Anyone, Hank?Copy !req
204. I'm a genius!Copy !req
205. Okay, that's it.Copy !req
206. I'm going to leave you
two geniuses right hereCopy !req
207. while I clean up your mess.Copy !req
208. Hank, I do not need you
to clean up my messes.Copy !req
209. And this is not a mess.Copy !req
210. And I'll clean it up.Copy !req
211. It's over, Peggy.Copy !req
212. Let me put this in wordsCopy !req
213. even a genius can understand.Copy !req
214. You are not a genius.Copy !req
215. Look, what I mean is...Copy !req
216. Okay, you've got
what they call "book smarts."Copy !req
217. Now, if we wanted to write a story
about you losing our money,Copy !req
218. well, hands down,Copy !req
219. you're the one for the job.Copy !req
220. But if we want to do something
that needs street smarts,Copy !req
221. like getting our money back
from the jerk who stole it,Copy !req
222. then I'm the guy.Copy !req
223. I can take care of it, Hank.Copy !req
224. Luckily, I have enough faith in me
for the both of us.Copy !req
225. Hank...Copy !req
226. I came for my money back.Copy !req
227. No, no. Listen.Copy !req
228. I said you'd lose up to 30 pounds.Copy !req
229. Up to.Copy !req
230. You said I was a genius.Copy !req
231. No. Okay.Copy !req
232. Didn't you read the fine print
on your diploma?Copy !req
233. It clearly states, "no refunds."Copy !req
234. Nada refundo, okay?Copy !req
235. No refunds.Copy !req
236. Unfortunately, I called you hereCopy !req
237. to give you some bad news.Copy !req
238. Dr. Robert Vayzosa is a con artist.Copy !req
239. The PhDs he sold usCopy !req
240. aren't even worth the paper
we printed them on.Copy !req
241. - What?Copy !req
242. Impossible.Copy !req
243. I've already received
several graduation gifts.Copy !req
244. A hat, a toaster...Copy !req
245. and a hat.Copy !req
246. Well, it turns out
those intelligence testsCopy !req
247. tested nothing but our gullibility.Copy !req
248. But we took the test.Copy !req
249. - Mm-hm.
- Yes, I did, I took it, too.Copy !req
250. Wait. People, let me...Copy !req
251. Let me see if I can explain it
another way.Copy !req
252. Things are not always
as they appear to be.Copy !req
253. This looks like I pulled my thumb off.Copy !req
254. She pulled her thumb off!Copy !req
255. Call a doctor!Copy !req
256. - I'm a doctor.
- No...Copy !req
257. Vayzosa lied to us to get our money.Copy !req
258. Oh, my God, we... we were scammed.Copy !req
259. He took us for saps.Copy !req
260. What do we do now?Copy !req
261. Well, we get our money back
by conning the con man.Copy !req
262. And here is how it's going to go down.Copy !req
263. Vayzosa already knowsCopy !req
264. that Jimmy works at the racetrack.Copy !req
265. What he does not knowCopy !req
266. is that the mob fixes the drag racesCopy !req
267. and Jimmy always knows who's going to win.Copy !req
268. Wait a second.
There ain't no fixed races.Copy !req
269. I said it was a con, Jimmy.Copy !req
270. I tell Vayzosa
there is an illegal betting parlorCopy !req
271. at the EconosuitesCopy !req
272. where all of Arlen's high rollers
bet on the races.Copy !req
273. Jimmy calls me from "the track"Copy !req
274. and gives me the winners in advance.Copy !req
275. I place my bet,Copy !req
276. Tug announces the "results," and I win.Copy !req
277. We will convince VayzosaCopy !req
278. he has a sure thing
by letting him win two races.Copy !req
279. We're going to give him
more of our money?Copy !req
280. Just another thousand dollars apieceCopy !req
281. to gain his trust.Copy !req
282. Then, his natural greed will take over,Copy !req
283. and he will place a huge bet,Copy !req
284. and we will fix the last race
so he loses it all!Copy !req
285. Who's ready?Copy !req
286. We're going to con him!Copy !req
287. Con him good!Copy !req
288. Oh... Wow.Copy !req
289. You got a... You got a big foot there.Copy !req
290. Please, I need that money.Copy !req
291. All right, all right.Copy !req
292. Here, help yourself
to a bottle of herbal bust enhancerCopy !req
293. and we'll call it even.Copy !req
294. I shouldn't tell you this,Copy !req
295. but I have got
the opportunity of a lifetime.Copy !req
296. You lend me the money, I will cut you in.Copy !req
297. Time to bait the hook.Copy !req
298. One thousand dollars apiece, please.Copy !req
299. Vayzosa's already taken us
for 8,000 dollars.Copy !req
300. If I lose this,
I'll have to be buried at sea.Copy !req
301. You have my word
they will put you in the ground.Copy !req
302. And that goes for all of you!Copy !req
303. Dr. Vayzosa just checked in.Copy !req
304. Room 27.Copy !req
305. It's on.Copy !req
306. And in the third race,Copy !req
307. it's Roman "El Tigre" Black Sky!Copy !req
308. - Oh!
- Oh, darn! Darn!Copy !req
309. - Jimmy?
- "I'm at the racetrack.Copy !req
310. I know who wins.Copy !req
311. Scott Yancy!"Copy !req
312. Got it. Scott Yancy.Copy !req
313. Welcome to the gambling parlor.Copy !req
314. Your bet, sir?Copy !req
315. Yeah, 2,000, uh, on Scott Yancy
at two to one.Copy !req
316. Two thousand?Copy !req
317. It's almost like you have a hot tip.Copy !req
318. And in the fourth race,
Scott Yancy is off the line fast,Copy !req
319. and Yancy wins!Copy !req
320. Four thousand dollars.Copy !req
321. Is it lucky in here,Copy !req
322. or is it just you?Copy !req
323. Pretty good, pretty good.Copy !req
324. But, uh, like my ex-wife used to say,Copy !req
325. "Anybody can do it once."Copy !req
326. Jay-Vee-Air Martin-Z.Copy !req
327. Javier Martinez it is.Copy !req
328. Well, why...
why not make this interesting?Copy !req
329. I'm going to bet six grand
at, uh, two to one.Copy !req
330. And it's Javier Martinez!Copy !req
331. The wacko from Waco all the way!Copy !req
332. Enough with this small change.Copy !req
333. I want to clean these Okies out.Copy !req
334. No, no, I don't want to remove
Mrs. Hill from the account.Copy !req
335. I'd just like to change
the PIN number to my birthday.Copy !req
336. Yes, I'll hold.Copy !req
337. I'm sorry you had to hear that, Bobby.Copy !req
338. Your mother's a good woman.Copy !req
339. She's just not a good woman with money.Copy !req
340. Yeah.Copy !req
341. I just hope she doesn't lose
that second thousand dollars.Copy !req
342. - What?
- I'm sure she won't.Copy !req
343. It's just that running
a fake gambling parlorCopy !req
344. out of the Econosuites
is not as easy as it sounds.Copy !req
345. You've got races to stage, odds to rig,Copy !req
346. a lot of money to keep track of.Copy !req
347. But if anyone can do it, it's Mom.Copy !req
348. Oh, God.Copy !req
349. It's good there's plenty more
where that came from.Copy !req
350. RJ Dobbs.Copy !req
351. That pays four to one.Copy !req
352. Well, how much should I bet?Copy !req
353. Um, ten? Should I bet 15?Copy !req
354. Looks like they're ready to go!Copy !req
355. Well, you came with eight
and you've doubled it.Copy !req
356. Why not bet all 16 large?Copy !req
357. Last call for bets, sir.Copy !req
358. Hmm...Copy !req
359. Well, I... I could bet it all
and win 64,000.Copy !req
360. Yeah. On the other hand,Copy !req
361. I could just take my money and...Copy !req
362. and walk out of here.Copy !req
363. But...Copy !req
364. but you're going to win.Copy !req
365. I promise!Copy !req
366. Yeah, but...Copy !req
367. I... I don't know,
it somehow just seems greedy.Copy !req
368. It just seems greedy.Copy !req
369. Goodbye, Peggy. Thank you so much.Copy !req
370. Thanks for all of this money.Copy !req
371. And RJ Dobbs a-loses!Copy !req
372. Huh?Copy !req
373. And?Copy !req
374. He didn't place the bet.Copy !req
375. Wha... what are we going to do, Peggy?Copy !req
376. He took all our money.Copy !req
377. Peggy!Copy !req
378. Bobby told me everything.Copy !req
379. Oh, Hank.Copy !req
380. I don't know how he did it,Copy !req
381. but Vayzosa saw right through our scam.Copy !req
382. All the money is gone!Copy !req
383. I should have listened to you,
but I didn't.Copy !req
384. While you were talking,Copy !req
385. I was humming a song inside my headCopy !req
386. just waiting for you to stop!Copy !req
387. I've ruined the rest of our lives.Copy !req
388. And Vayzosa's up in room 27
laughing at us.Copy !req
389. No, he's laughing at you.Copy !req
390. He doesn't know I'm coming.Copy !req
391. Open up, Vayzosa!Copy !req
392. This is Hank Hill.Copy !req
393. I want my wife's money back!Copy !req
394. I'm not messing around here.
Now, you open this door right now.Copy !req
395. Do you hear me?Copy !req
396. I'm not fooling!Copy !req
397. I... I don't know
what you're talking about.Copy !req
398. Oh, it's your... your first time
in a hotel room?Copy !req
399. Go ahead, take... take the Bible.Copy !req
400. It's got to be here somewhere.Copy !req
401. Nothing.Copy !req
402. If you don't want to do this
the easy way, fine.Copy !req
403. I'll just call the cops.Copy !req
404. And tell them what?Copy !req
405. That your wife was running
a fraudulent betting parlor?Copy !req
406. That's right, Mr. Hill.Copy !req
407. Ain't nothing you can do.Copy !req
408. Look, you married a fool.Copy !req
409. Now, unless you're interested
in losing up to 30 pounds...Copy !req
410. No.Copy !req
411. My room safe is gone!Copy !req
412. This is Econosuites.Copy !req
413. We don't have room safes.Copy !req
414. What?Copy !req
415. Thanks, Boomhauer.Copy !req
416. I knew I could count on you not to talk.Copy !req
417. Yo, man.Copy !req
418. No...Copy !req
419. No.Copy !req
420. Ah, yeah. Give me them bad boys.Copy !req
421. Well, I got to hand it to you.Copy !req
422. You made me look like a jackass.Copy !req
423. But you got everyone's money back.Copy !req
424. Mom, I know a magician's
not supposed to reveal...Copy !req
425. Here's how I did it.Copy !req
426. I knew Vayzosa was too smart
for a straight-up con,Copy !req
427. but that overconfidence
would prove to be his fatal flaw.Copy !req
428. I ran an obvious bad conCopy !req
429. to distract him
from my secret brilliant con.Copy !req
430. But there was one thing I was missing.Copy !req
431. A bellowing dupeCopy !req
432. whose incessant need to rescue
his helpless wifeCopy !req
433. would drive Vayzosa
to stash all his money in his room safe.Copy !req
434. Luckily, I had you, Hank.Copy !req
435. Thanks to you, Bobby.Copy !req
436. Okay, okay,Copy !req
437. so I doubted you like you thought I would.Copy !req
438. But what if I didn't?Copy !req
439. What if I'd believed in you?Copy !req
440. Then where would we be, huh?Copy !req
441. I covered that base, too.Copy !req
442. - Vayzosa valet-parked his car.
- So?Copy !req
443. The Econosuites doesn't have
valet parking.Copy !req
444. Oh.Copy !req
445. You were going to steal his car.Copy !req
446. That would have been a felony.Copy !req
447. But that other stuff, that's genius.Copy !req
448. Yep.Copy !req
449. There is one thing
Vayzosa never counted on...Copy !req
450. Dr. Peggy Hill.Copy !req