1. Now, I've cleared a
space 12 by 8 by 14...
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2. to hide Bobby's Christmas present.
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3. So, when we're at the store,
keep an eye out for a gift that size.
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4. Last Christmas, I hid Joseph's gift
so well I still haven't found it.
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5. Cutest little puppy.
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6. Or should I say dog?
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7. Yeah, nothing like the face of a child
on Christmas morning.
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8. - What's it like?
- It's the single greatest thing on earth.
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9. That is, except for
all the hundreds of special moments...
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10. that any dad shares with his child.
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11. Sounds nice.
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12. I guess I'll just go home all
by myself and eat a pot pie.
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13. - Today is turkey.
- See you.
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14. Hey, Bill.
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15. You know,
I've got some errands to run today.
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16. Going to the post office.
Why don't you come along?
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17. Come on, it'll be fun.
You can take a $5 bill...
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18. and put it in the change machine,
pretend you're in Las Vegas.
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19. Ka-ching!
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20. Look at all that mail.
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21. I haven't gotten so much as a letter
in six weeks.
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22. Well, it's a busy time of year.
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23. They're probably just backed up,
or maybe they lost it.
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24. Yeah, you're right.
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25. My name is Bill Dauterive,
and apparently you have lost my mail.
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26. I'll check in the back.
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27. Look, about my friend's lost mail,
you're not gonna find it.
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28. I know that.
We just walk to the back for show.
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29. You know, you may want to
check William Dauterive, too.
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30. Bill is short for William.
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31. If you want mail,
we've got these bags in the corner.
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32. Those are letters
addressed to Santa Claus.
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33. We're always looking for volunteers
to take one or two...
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34. and buy a gift to make
a needy kid happy.
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35. What a great idea.
I think I'll take one myself.
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36. How about you, Bill?
You'd make a great Santa.
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37. And that's not a fat joke.
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38. You really think so?
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39. - This guy seems a little off.
- Bill's great with kids.
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40. It's adults and holidays
he seems to have a problem with.
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41. Has anyone seen
where I put my Scotch tape?
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42. Did you check under my chin?
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43. You know, you fall for Dale's
beard of tape every year, Peggy.
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44. Yes. Yes, I do.
And I'm always a good sport about it.
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45. My first wrapping party.
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46. I just cut my finger. Deep.
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47. Well, it doesn't compare
to the pain of previous years...
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48. when I didn't have any
kids to wrap for.
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49. Matthew said he likes music,
so I got him a trombone.
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50. I can't wait to see
the expression on his face.
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51. You don't give the gifts yourself.
You buy them, you wrap them...
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52. then we mail them and put the
return address as North Pole.
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53. Does the mailman at
least dress as Santa?
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54. - No.
- He doesn't?
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55. Every kid should get to see Santa.
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56. Oh, my God. it's snowing!
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57. - Wow!
- What the...
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58. - You know, Peggy, it is snowing.
- That is not snow. It's 64 degrees.
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59. That is the foam
that they spray on runways...
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60. when jumbo jets are about to crash.
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61. Bobby! Get in here!
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62. Now, are you going to open this
before Christmas?
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63. - No, sir.
- Good. You're a very good boy.
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64. Open it.
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65. Thank you, Santa.
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66. The kids haven't had a real Christmas
since their father left.
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67. Can I pay you for these things?
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68. No, what would Santa need money for?
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69. My elves make all the toys.
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70. I mean...
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71. Ho, ho, ho.
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72. Rented snow machines, all these
lights. It's like a carnival.
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73. I wonder how Jesus feels about this.
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74. It's Christmas, and Bill's happy.
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75. I'll tell you how Jesus feels: great.
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76. Hey, this is perfect.
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77. Tomorrow Christmas service falls...
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78. right between the Aloha Bowl
and the Oahu Bowl.
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79. And we can top the whole day off
with the Christmas Smackdawn.
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80. Christmas Smackdawn. Here it is.
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81. Hey, Dennis Rodman
is gonna be a guest referee.
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82. Boy, you know that guy's
catching a folding chair to the head.
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83. - The worm.
- Wait a second.
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84. Sorry, Bobby. It's rated TV-14.
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85. The last time I checked,
you were still 13.
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86. Come on, Dad. I tell you what.
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87. I'll just close my eyes
when things get too colorful.
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88. Nice try, mister,
but I've seen the way you watch TV.
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89. You never blink.
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90. Merry Christmas!
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91. Better hum, Dad.
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92. It won't feel like Christmas Day
if we miss The Little Drummer Boy.
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93. I'm doing the best I can.
Wait a minute, you're being sarcastic.
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94. You don't have any interest in seeing that
little boy play his heart out, do you?
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95. Nope.
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96. Valet parking is $5.
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97. Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for lost or stolen article—
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98. - Dale, I'm just gonna park in my driveway.
- That lot's full...
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99. but Bill says I can put overflow
parking poolside at Luanne's house.
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100. Arcadio!
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101. La bamba le automobile-a.
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102. No scra tch-o! Comprende?
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103. - Out of the way.
- Hey, you're back.
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104. I have got to find some way
to thank you for everything.
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105. - Does Santa like chicken?
- Fried, jerked, broiled or boiled.
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106. After the holidays, I'm gonna cook you
a homemade chicken dinner.
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107. - And will you eat it with me, too?
- Bill, I could just wrap you up.
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108. Ho, ho, ho!
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109. And she made the date with him?
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110. Yep. They're gonna have chicken.
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111. Well, I suppose
we can suffer through this racket...
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112. if it means Bill will be spending time
with a woman who knows he's there.
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113. Yeah, and it's just till New Year's,
then it all comes down.
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114. You know what?
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115. We can just pretend
that all that noise is the ocean.
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116. Yes, it's working.
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117. Looks like it's gonna
be a great new year.
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118. Notre Dame lost,
Bill had a great Christmas...
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119. and now he's taking down
his decorations...
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120. instead of trying to
hang himself with them.
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121. Looks like he hired professionals,
or very dedicated amateurs.
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122. What the...
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123. They start the Christmas season
earlier and earlier each year.
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124. Hey, guys, take off your shoes.
Come on in.
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125. I tell you, January's the month
to rent a Santa Bounce House.
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126. - I got a hell of a deal.
- Come on, how about taking all this down?
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127. Yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea.
I'll help.
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128. No, no, I can't take
down Santa's Village.
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129. You see how happy those kids are?
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130. Well, they do like jumping.
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131. Yeah, and someone
I have a lot of respect for...
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132. once told me that Christmas
is about giving and love.
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133. Yeah, we all got
Boomhauefls Christmas card, too...
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134. last month, in December, but—
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135. Hank, there'll be plenty of time for
these kids to be beaten down by life.
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136. But if I can help bring
a little extra joy and love...
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137. into their world now, shouldn't I?
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138. Why do you hate love, Hank?
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139. Well, so much for
my New Year's resolution.
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140. Who says a mustache has to go
across the whole lip?
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141. Ho, ho, ho!
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142. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.
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143. Hey, why don't you kids celebrate
by taking a spin in my bounce house?
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144. Have you been talking to my dad? Well,
guess what? We're not little kids.
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145. We don't jump in bouncy houses.
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146. Oh, dear.
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147. Hey, you're right on time.
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148. - You're still doing this.
- Yeah, just around the house.
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149. They won't let me on the Army base
like this anymore.
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150. So, where are the kids?
Sam and Emma, right?
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151. I got a baby-sitter.
I thought we might—
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152. Hey, mind if I knock off early? I don't
think any kids are coming by today.
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153. Okay.
See you tomorrow morning, 9:00 sharp.
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154. That's the Arlen midget.
He comes with the bounce house.
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155. Shall we?
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156. You know,
why don't you enjoy the chicken?
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157. - You can just keep the dish.
- Yeah, but you and the kids...
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158. are still coming over Sunday night
for haircuts, right?
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159. - I like their hair long.
- But...
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160. - No!
- You should have used cold water.
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161. Yeah, but that doesn't get
enough of the stains out.
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162. Hi, I'm the Milton Street Santa.
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163. I'm Wally. Hey, Santa?
Can you lend me $2 for the dryer?
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164. Sure. Which one's yours?
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165. I got them soaking at a place
a few blocks away.
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166. But nobody there had the Christmas
spirit, if you know what I mean.
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167. Of course I do.
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168. I got a lot of blue jeans in there.
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169. You ever wear wet blue jeans?
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170. Man, this is the best Christmas ever.
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171. Bill, why don't you take Marilyn out
someplace nice for Valentine's Day?
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172. Women like Valentine's Day.
They find it romantic.
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173. Marilyn's gone.
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174. Of course she is.
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175. You know, Bill...
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176. even Troy Aikman takes off his uniform
after the Superbowl.
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177. How do you know?
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178. Do that outside.
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179. Sam? Emma?
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180. Hey, Santa, remember me? it's Wally.
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181. - The little boy from the laundromat.
- What are you doing here?
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182. Hey, I hope you don't mind.
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183. I told my buddies how cool you were
and they all had to meet you.
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184. - Yeah, can we have some money?
- He means candy canes.
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185. I'm out of canes...
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186. but I still have 10 pounds of Rice
Krispie treats shaped like reindeer.
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187. What the...
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188. Now, who...
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189. "Heineken"?
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190. Nice pool.
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191. What say we jump in, see what floats?
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192. Just take your beer
cans off of my lawn.
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193. And quit trying to read my t-shirt.
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194. You lose something over here?
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195. I am making a citizen's arrest
for trespassing.
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196. - I don't think so.
- Believe me, I've done it before.
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197. How did you get Bill's key chain?
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198. - Okay, you're under arrest for theft, too.
- He gave it to me.
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199. Now, get off our property
or I'll citizen-arrest you.
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200. - Damn it! When Bill comes home—
- "When Bill comes home."
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201. - What the hell are you doing?
- "What the hell..."
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202. The thing is, I did something today.
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203. What is it, Wally?
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204. Well, I bought you a gift.
It's a belt sander.
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205. - There's something else.
- What?
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206. You can tell me. You
can tell me anything.
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207. I kind of lied
to the guy at the hardware store.
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208. I told him I was getting
this for my dad.
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209. Here.
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210. You could make a Japanese rock garden
where that tire mark is.
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211. I know a Japanese guy
who might have some rocks.
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212. HEY. guys.
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213. We were just at the grocery store
and Wally did the cutest thing.
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214. What'd he do?
Did he ride a unicycle? Did he juggle?
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215. Did he find an adorable way
to peel out on my lawn?
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216. No, Hank.
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217. I'm not saying my Wally isn't a
handful, but I like a kid with spirit.
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218. And as for your lawn,
it's my responsibility...
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219. and I will re-sod the damaged area.
Fair enough?
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220. Fair enough.
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221. - Senat0r Edward...
- He blocked the channel guide.
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222. Now I don't even know
what I'm missing.
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223. - Sena to! Feingold.
- A ye.
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224. Sena tor Feinstein.
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225. My dad is pushing
every one of my buttons.
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226. I believe you guys are first-time
callers, so I'm only gonna charge you $1.
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227. For what?
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228. Beer.
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229. We better go.
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230. Why? Because beer's not TV-14?
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231. Set me up, my man.
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232. What's the matter?
Forty ounces for $1 is a good deal.
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233. Oh, yeah. I just usually
drink 30-ouncers...
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234. but, hey, it's the weekend.
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235. Hey, come here.
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236. Just think, Connie girl...
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237. when we're grown-ups and marrieds...
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238. we'll get to do this every night!
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239. Yeah, I want a house just like this...
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240. with soft floors and plastic windows.
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241. Look at the stars.
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242. There's, well, so many of them.
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243. - Yeah.
- Cool.
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244. You know the best way to sober up?
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245. Bounce around a lot.
Get it out of your system.
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246. Bobby?
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247. Hey, Dad! I like beer!
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248. You, you, and you, go home now!
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249. You get the hell out of here.
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250. That does it!
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251. I've had about enough
of this Christmas crap. Bill!
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252. Dang it, Bill!
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253. Some of us are trying to raise kids
in this neighborhood.
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254. Good kids...
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255. the kind that don't try
to kill their parents in their sleep.
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256. Kids like Bobby.
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257. Wally would never kill me.
He told me so.
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258. That kind of communication
is very important...
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259. - in a father-son style relationship.
- What?
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260. - Is that my belt sander?
- No, it's mine.
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261. Wally bought it
and gave it to me as a present.
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262. Yeah? Then why does it have
the same serial number...
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263. as my warranty card?
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264. I know there are two sides
to every story...
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265. but Hank was bragging about
his new belt sander all last week.
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266. Where do you think I got the idea?
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267. That egg was strutting around
showing off his fancy belt sander...
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268. and I thought, "Hey, Bill's
a better man than this ass.
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269. "He should have a belt sander."
So I bought you one.
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270. Yeah, it's just...
You know, Hank had the warranty card.
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271. So, this is how it's gonna be.
good, Wally: bad.
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272. I'm not saying that.
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273. But maybe it wasn't such a good idea,
giving...
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274. Well, selling beer to kids.
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275. Wow, you really are like my dad.
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276. - Really?
- Yeah.
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277. He never had faith in me either.
But at least he had a motorcycle.
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278. Wally, building a strong
relationship isn't easy.
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279. - We can work through this.
- I don't like work.
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280. I did 10 sit-ups and I
tried to do a push-up.
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281. Can I go back to sleep now?
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282. You had a chance to sleep last night,
mister...
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283. but you decided to
go partying instead.
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284. Now, get a rag
and start washing windows.
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285. I almost hated waking
him this morning.
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286. But then he tried to tell me that
his hangover was punishment enough...
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287. so I flipped him off his mattress.
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288. Wally left last night!
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289. And it's all your fault.
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290. - You broke my family.
- Wally was not your family.
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291. My God, I've thrown out propane tanks
that would make a better son than Wally.
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292. But he's all I had!
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293. Oh, poor Bill.
He probably shouldn't be alone.
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294. But he will be.
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295. Wait, I've got it! Bill
wants to have a child.
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296. And Hank's urethra is too narrow
to have another child.
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297. Ergo, Bill should inseminate Peggy.
Everybody's happy.
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298. Ow!
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299. Didn't hurt.
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300. Nancy.
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301. What?
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302. Where are you?
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303. I got a call from Wally.
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304. Where is he? Jail?
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305. Yes. Some trumped-up charge.
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306. He can't survive in jail.
You've gotta help me bail him out.
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307. No way.
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308. Things got out of hand
in the first place...
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309. because you didn't lay down
the law with Wally.
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310. Hank, please.
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311. You were right.
I don't know how to be a father.
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312. All the books about
it are by comedians.
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313. And I never know when they're kidding
and when they're serious.
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314. - Please, I need you to go with me.
- No.
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315. You do everything right...
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316. but if you didn't, I'd
be there for you.
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317. And could you drive?
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318. Wally still hasn't returned my car.
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319. The car was crammed with cartons
of cigarettes, packs of jerky...
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320. lighters. All your
big-ticket impulse items.
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321. He says you okayed
the use of the credit card...
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322. and the use of the automobile.
Is that true?
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323. The jerky was for you.
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324. Hank, what should I do?
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325. Well, I'd lock him up for
what we know he did...
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326. and then toss on a few extra years
for what he probably did.
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327. Yeah, but if I lock him up,
he won't like me.
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328. But if I bail him out,
he'll just keep stealing my money...
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329. and I won't like him.
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330. Parenting is tough.
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331. Try having my job with a kid in jail.
That gets weird.
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332. Here we go.
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333. You know what would be cool? If you
left it a little longer in the back.
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334. It would be, like, our little bond.
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335. - I'd think you ought to—
- Sorry, no can do.
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336. You may not be happy with me now,
soldier...
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337. - but you'll thank me someday.
- For what? For making me a jarhead?
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338. For convincing the judge that the Army
is a better place for you than prison.
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339. Oh, and you're not a jarhead,
that's the Marine Corps.
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340. You're a grunt!
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341. Bobby, if you get caught drinking again,
it's gonna be your butt in this chair.
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342. - Ain't that right, Hank?
- Sure is.
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343. Now let's shave that thing
off of Wally's chin.
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344. Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for last or stolen articles.
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345. Valet of the Dales is not responsible
for last or stolen articles.
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