1. Look.
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2. Here's a few more pictures of a
certain yearbook editor's boyfriend.
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3. Look at this one of me
with a French fry up my nose.
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4. That's okay, Bobby.
I already have your class photo.
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5. That's it?
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6. But I'm a sure bet for class clown.
Shouldn't that get me some coverage?
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7. The PTA said we can't do
the eighth-grade poll anymore.
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8. What? Why not?
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9. Last year's worst dresser
turned out to be really poor.
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10. Class clown was my
ticket to immortality.
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11. Now I'm no different
from any other kid.
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12. I'm like a Stu Harriet or a Mike Soto.
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13. Actually, Mike is president
of the Junior Volunteers Club.
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14. So, in 20 years...
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15. everyone will remember
Mike Soto bowling with blind kids.
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16. But Bobby Hill's talking tummy
will be long forgotten.
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17. Where's the justice?
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18. Have you seen my duct tape?
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19. Not the shiny silver,
but the matte gray?
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20. Hey, that's my old "Landry Lantern."
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21. Dad, do you realize
you're in 10 photos...
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22. not counting your class photo?
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23. Yeah. That sounds about right.
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24. Hey, there's Cleave Worthington.
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25. And Don Postley,
back when he had all his fingers.
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26. And Dub Taylor.
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27. Boy, he was the best mascot
Arlen's ever had. What a wild man.
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28. And all the nicknames we had for him.
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29. Daffy Dub, Rub-a-Dub-Dub.
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30. I guess those were the only two.
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31. Dad, I was thinking of taking
some blind kids bowling.
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32. Bobby, that's not funny.
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33. The bake sale
was a big success...
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34. raising enough money to buy
a new pewter baton for moi.
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35. Give yourselves a big hand.
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36. And hats off to Mike Soto
for spearheading that.
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37. That kid's a machine!
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38. Mr. Grandy, you're looking
at your next Landry Longhorn.
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39. What makes you think you've got
what it takes to wear the horns?
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40. I'm a cutup. I'm a clown.
I'll do anything for attention.
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41. Remember?
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42. That's why you kicked
me out of chorus.
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43. Tryouts will be after school
on Wednesday.
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44. And I want all pep, no filler.
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45. And remember, you'll be performing for a
man who's seen a lot of pep in his day.
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46. A lot.
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47. My name is Bobby. I like to party.
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48. And if you don't believe me,
watch me shake my body!
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49. 'BObby!
43a!“
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50. That mirror is for practicing
golf swings in...
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51. not your prop comedy.
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52. I'm coming up with shtick
for the Longhorn auditions.
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53. You're going out for
the Landry Longhorn?
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54. So, you're not prancing around the
garage at all. You're training.
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55. Yeah.
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56. But I need an angle, a hook...
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57. some kind of boffo gimmick
to set me apart.
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58. Well, how about your own set of horns?
I bet I could rig something up.
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59. Dad, you would build me a prop?
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60. In this case, Son, yes, I would.
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61. That dang Mike Soto!
Where does he find the time?
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62. I'll give him this, he is flexible.
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63. This is really heating up.
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64. Next victim, Bobby Hill.
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65. Would you like Arlen,
Fight, Fight, Fight? or...
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66. We are the Landry Men,
Fight, Fight, Fight?
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67. Thank you, sir, but I
brought my own tape.
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68. Fine.
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69. Please, hold your applause.
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70. Tonight,
Tom Landry Middle School!
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71. - Yup.
- Yup.
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72. Bill Dauterive.
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73. Hey!
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74. I'm talking on it right now. Yeah.
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75. All right. Talk to you later. Bye.
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76. That was Jimmy.
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77. The guy who sold me the phone.
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78. I did it, Dad! I'm the Longhorn!
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79. Way to go, Bobby. That's great!
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80. Way to go, Bobby. That's great!
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81. Now we're both
part of the Arlen football tradition.
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82. Longhorns!
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83. And look at that.
It's still got all the rips and tears.
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84. Boy, you can almost hear all those
years of McMaynerbury's whuppings!
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85. This calls for a special dinner.
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86. I'm gonna go tell your mother
to make us a special dinner.
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87. McMaynerbury whupping.
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88. That's like "whoop,
whoop, whoop," right?
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89. No. "Whupping" as in "the big beat
down," as in "half-time hammering"...
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90. as in the "McMaynerbury
mascot massacre," as in—
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91. Am I missing something?
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92. Whenever Arlen is winning, it's a
tradition for the McMaynerbury band...
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93. to charge the Longhorn
and give him a pounding!
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94. It's a real crowd-pleaser.
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95. Yeah, man.
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96. Did your dad used to like scoring the
touchdown that got Dub Taylor pounded.
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97. Really?
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98. Maybe McMaynerbury
will take an early lead...
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99. and hold it for the rest of the game.
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100. - Yeah, that never happens.
- McMaynerbury.
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101. Yeah, and maybe I'll file
a federal income tax return.
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102. That goes in my big
book of "So theres."
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103. lfl get a good action shot of you, I'm
willing to dump the model U.N. spread.
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104. Who cares?
McMaynerbury's gonna kill me.
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105. I'm a lover, not a...
I'm not even a lover.
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106. Then wheel that costume
back down to Grandy's office...
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107. and tell him to find himself
another punching bag.
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108. Woman, I can't get out of this.
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109. Imagine telling your dad
you were quitting violin.
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110. I do. All the time.
I hate that violin.
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111. And at the end of the first quarter,
McMaynerbury leads 10-to-7.
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112. The Longhorn is safe, for now.
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113. - Bury!
- Bury!
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114. - McMayner!
- McMayner!
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115. - Bury McMaynerbury!
- Bury McMaynerbury!
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116. Hang tough, McMaynerbury.
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117. Longhorns!
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118. Cheer up, Keegan.
No shame in losing to a better team.
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119. Hey, those McMaynerbury scrubs
are going down, buddy.
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120. - You better get ready for a whupping.
- Oh, yeah, totally.
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121. I hope we beat them so bad
I get two whuppings!
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122. One more Arlen touchdown, your boy
gonna be pinata for marching band!
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123. Man, is that gonna be sweet!
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124. That's funny.
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125. Kahn, who is that taking pictures of
your daughter taking pictures of Bobby?
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126. No one, that's who.
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127. Quarterback sneak.
Caught them with their pants down!
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128. Touchdown! Arlen take lead!
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129. It's all good.
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130. Hank, tell me what's going on.
I can't watch.
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131. - He's history.
- Yeah.
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132. Bobby Hill, get back here!
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133. Wait. No. This is some
kind of comedy bit.
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134. He's gonna turn around any second.
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135. Maybe he's just going
to the car to get a...
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136. He's gone.
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137. I'm not surprised McMaynerbury won
after that happened.
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138. God, I needed to use the restroom...
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139. but I couldn't face the
guys at the trough.
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140. There he is.
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141. Whether people were booing or
cheering, you got a reaction.
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142. And, by golly, that's what counts.
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143. They should call Bobby
"The Lame Horn."
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144. What's he gonna do
for the big game against Belton?
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145. Show up in a chicken suit?
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146. I've got to take my mind off of this.
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147. I'm gonna treat myself
to the hardware store.
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148. Hank, Quarterback Keegan Evans' dad
runs the paint-shaker.
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149. Well, at least they toned it down.
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150. On the bathroom wall,
they went after my family.
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151. Don't worry, Bobby.
Even with all the letters...
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152. I won't take your class picture
out of the yearbook.
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153. - Nurse Jennings?
- Pick them up.
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154. I said pick them up.
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155. Bobby, I'm gonna need you
to turn in your keys and your horns.
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156. My office, five minutes.
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157. Longhorns!
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158. I understand you're just a kid.
At the same time...
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159. what you did at the game was the most
shameful act of cowardice I've ever seen.
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160. Sir, please.
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161. I was born to wear the horns.
You can't take them away from me.
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162. I've got a plan. A great plan.
And it's gonna work.
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163. - Yeah? What's the plan?
- I can't tell you.
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164. - Why not?
- It's a secret.
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165. Well, I do love secrets.
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166. You came to see me?
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167. Hang on.
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168. State your purpose.
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169. Mr. Gribble, what would you say
if I told you...
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170. I am gonna steal
the Belton armadillo tonight?
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171. I would say you're a madman...
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172. or a genius. Maybe a little of both.
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173. I'll go 60-40.
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174. I need someone who knows alarms.
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175. And you've got the most
in the neighborhood.
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176. Ever since those swaggering Bouchet
brothers stole the armadillo back in '76...
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177. Belton's been keeping it
under pretty tight security.
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178. That middle school is impregnable.
Cannot be pregnated.
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179. Except by me. But I don't come cheap.
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180. I don't have a lot of money.
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181. Fine. I'll come cheap. You got $5?
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182. - I can get $4.
- I'm in.
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183. - Do you need any help?
- With what?
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184. It's just so great
to ha ve you with us again.
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185. It just seems that every time
that Julia Roberts is on TV...
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186. it is only to yap about her movie.
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187. Well, I'm headed over
to Keegan Evans' house.
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188. Really? But his dad said he hated you.
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189. For what? The running away thing?
That's ancient history.
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190. Some of the guys from the team
are sleeping over.
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191. So, you won't see me or hear from me
until the game tomorrow.
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192. Well, that's great. Now, don't
let them tease you too much.
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193. Remember, you're the mascot,
not the place-kicker.
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194. Hey, Dad. I was thinking...
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195. maybe you want to invite
Dub Taylor to the game.
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196. Dub Taylor? Are you sure?
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197. I want you to hear from him...
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198. that I'm the best mascot
since he wore the horns.
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199. Steady.
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200. - What's going on?
- I'm reading lips.
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201. There's four kids in there.
And tough ones, too.
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202. Don't you have some poisons
in your truck you can pump in there...
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203. to make them fall asleep?
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204. I do. But the amount of poison
that can put four kids to sleep...
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205. might also kill an armadillo.
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206. And the kids might not wake up.
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207. Well, how are we gonna get the dillo
away from four kids?
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208. We're lucky.
According to the one they call Dude...
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209. there used to be eight guardians.
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210. The other four went to steal
the Longhorn costume...
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211. where they will run into, what...
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212. two dozen oi the baddest-eased
eighth-graders protecting the costume?
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213. But I didn't...
Nobody said anything about—
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214. Please tell me you at least
put up a maze of mirrors...
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215. to thwart the would-be
costume-rustlers.
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216. Broken glass?
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217. Oil slick?
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218. Piece of string?
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219. Go! You save the costume.
I'll find a parking space.
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220. Go away!
The Longhorn is heavily guarded!
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221. Who's that? Bobby Hill?
Come on, guys. We had better go.
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222. Bill, it's Dale.
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223. Guess who's got your cellphone?
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224. Mr. Gribble, help!
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225. How? Be specific, Bobby.
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226. I'm not a mind-reader here.
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227. They're breaking down the door!
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228. Wait for me!
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229. Why don't you just run away
like you did at McMaynerbury?
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230. Or, you can stay and take the beating
you missed out on.
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231. Yeah.
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232. - What a coward.
- It's too bad.
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233. - I wanted to give him a beating.
- Yeah!
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234. Peanuts! Get your peanuts!
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235. I think I see Bobby. L...
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236. Wait. No. That's a
smudge on my glasses.
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237. Hank, look at this smudge.
It looks just like Bobby.
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238. Hey. Daffy Dub!
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239. Over here. You old son of a gun,
how was the drive?
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240. This stinking crowd is dead!
What is this? Guldang Wimbledon?
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241. Here we go, Longhorns. Here we go!
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242. - What'd I tell you about Dub?
- That he has a lot of pep.
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243. That's right.
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244. We are the Landry Men!
Fight, fight, fight!
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245. - You got any face paint?
- Peggy's got lipstick.
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246. Oh, my God!
It's Peggy Platter from West Arlen.
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247. West Arlen sucks!
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248. Well, isn't this ironic?
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249. The best Longhorn ever, and the
father of the worst Longhorn ever.
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250. I say that because Bobby was guarding
the Longhorn costume last night.
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251. And some kids came to steal it,
and he turned tail and ran.
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252. That's impossible. Bobby was
sleeping over at Keegan Evans' house.
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253. The sleepover was a cover story.
I was with him.
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254. We were trying to steal the Belton
armadillo, and long story short...
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255. you raised a coward.
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256. Oh, God!
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257. Wait. You were with him?
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258. Where is he? Where's my baby boy?
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259. Don't worry. Peggy-
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260. He probably camped out in some bushes.
No, that takes guts.
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261. He probably spent the
night at Denny's.
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262. I drove all the way from Pensacola
for this?
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263. I came here for a football game,
not a soap opera!
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264. Hey, Landry losers!
Where's your Longhorn?
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265. Our mascot sucks!
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266. That's it!
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267. Let's get out of here
before Dub gets back.
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268. - How many days is he staying with us?
- Three.
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269. Man, I didn't become a cheerleader
to guard a trashcan.
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270. Ouch. Foot asleep.
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271. Okay, Mister Crackers. Nice and easy.
Nobody gets hurt.
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272. If anyone yells,
"There's Bobby Hill's parents"...
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273. just start to look
around, saying, "Where?"
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274. Oh, no! Security!
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275. This way!
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276. Can't touch this! B-E-L-T-O-N.
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277. Go, Belton!
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278. There you are!
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279. All right, kid. Step
slowly towards me...
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280. and surrender Mister Crackers.
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281. Yeah, that's right.
They'll rip you apart.
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282. Hey, you Belton losers!
Look what I found!
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283. Bobby?
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284. Bobby Hill-o got the dillo!
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285. Check it out, Peggy.
Bobby's got Mister Crackers.
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286. Bobby's got Mister Crackers!
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287. Bite its face off!
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288. Get him!
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289. You can't get this!
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290. - Yeah!
- Yeah!
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291. Hey, Bobby Hill!
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292. Longhorns!
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293. Wonderful!
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294. All right, Bobby! Way to go, Son!
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295. Bobby just started a new tradition.
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296. Now we have the McMaynerbury
whupping and the Belton beating.
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297. What a great time to be a Longhorn.
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298. We are the Landry Men!
Fight, fight, fight!
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