1. Bobby, you ought to leave a burger
for your mother.
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2. She'll be hungry after
her big meeting.
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3. She knows what time dinner is.
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4. Boys, slap me five.
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5. The school picked my float design
for the Veterans Day parade.
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6. We are recreating the famous
flag-raising scene at lwo Jima.
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7. Like last year's school float.
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8. Yes. But what Principal
Moss loved most...
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9. about my idea was
how authentic it will be.
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10. Each mannequin
will be wearing authentic medals...
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11. awarded for bravery at lwo Jima.
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12. Hey, you know who might
have some of those?
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13. That oddball
who runs that bric-a-brac store.
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14. Moved to Provincedale. No.
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15. In my capacity
as float committee chairman...
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16. I will place a toll call
to your father in Houston...
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17. and ask him for his Purple Heart,
Silver Star...
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18. and whatever else they gave him
for killing all those Japanese.
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19. Boy, this is a choice cut
of North Carolina pine.
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20. The perfect wood to
honor our veterans.
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21. It will be under 600 pounds of sand.
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22. - Don't blow our budget, Hank. Use that.
- Particle board?
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23. Yeah, if you want to throw out
your float in five or ten years.
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24. Stand on your tiptoes,
Didi woman.
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25. Dad? What are you doing in Arlen?
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26. Buying one hundred
and ninety-two diapers.
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27. - Hank's wife.
- Cotton.
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28. I have been calling you.
How long have you been in town?
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29. A week. We're staying over to the VFW.
We love it there.
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30. Didi and the baby love it there, too.
Ain't that right, wife?
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31. It's just like a second honeymoon.
Only, it's not El Paso.
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32. A week? Why didn't you call?
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33. I only call the people I want to see.
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34. They're taking out that yield sign
by the Ethan Allen.
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35. Lives will be lost.
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36. Smells like pancakes.
I'll have waffles.
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37. Grandpa, I was wondering
when I would get to see you.
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38. And how's my Uncle G.H.?
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39. - Waffles! Where's my waffles?
- They're coming right up.
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40. And, Cotton, can I borrow
your war medals for my float, please?
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41. What! I needs them medals.
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42. I'll be wearing them
in the Veterans Parade.
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43. That's right, Bobby.
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44. Your granddad carries the flag
every year down in Houston.
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45. Not this year, Bobby.
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46. I'll be marching here in Arlen
with my war buddies.
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47. Topsy, Brooklyn, Fat Brooklyn
and, of course, Erwin Linker.
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48. - What happened to Lucky?
- Dead!
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49. Good going, Dale.
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50. That looks like some top-quality sand
you got there.
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51. Yeah, they won't be building
any sand castles...
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52. over at Staubach Elementary this week.
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53. Look what I signed
out for the weekend.
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54. It might not shift out of second, but
it'll tow a float eight city blocks.
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55. Or if we attach a steel extrusion
to the front, we could push the float.
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56. Am I the only one who allows his mind
to prance outside the box?
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57. Hello? Cotton?
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58. Peggy, my step-daughter-in-law,
why are you here?
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59. Well, I came across
this box of brand new cigars.
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60. And I know how much
Cotton enjoys cigars, so...
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61. These are not Cotton's brand.
He won't like them.
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62. But I do. I'll smoke them.
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63. Oh, my. You certainly have
brought a lot for your vacation.
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64. And in which box would I find
Cotton's war medals, please?
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65. The medals are in a locked
display case in the lobby...
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66. next to the vending machine
where we get dinner.
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67. Come on, Topsy,
is you in or is you out?
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68. Thems is rich pot.
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69. I fold.
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70. - Yoo-hoo, Dad!
- Entertainment's here.
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71. - Take off your top!
- It's Hank's wife.
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72. What do you want? I'm up 8 cents.
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73. Well, I noticed your authentic
war medals in the lobby display.
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74. Right, you want my medals.
Okay, I'll give them to you.
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75. Cost you $200 a day. There's
only one way you can make that.
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76. Except, you're 20 years too old,
and 20 pounds too skinny.
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77. Cotton Hill, I do not know
what I hate more about you.
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78. The way you talk to me...
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79. or the way you treat your wife
and your little child.
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80. Well, think about it.
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81. Selfish.
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82. He is making his wife
and your little brother...
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83. stay in that tiny room
just so he can play cards all day...
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84. - with that foul-mouthed Erwin Linker.
- It's not all bad.
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85. G.H., is too young to understand
cuss words...
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86. and the Brooklyns are very
good with him. I've seen it.
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87. Rob Rainer says that the
first year of life...
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88. is the most important
to a child's development.
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89. Your baby brother
should be listening to lullabies...
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90. - not to old men hacking up phlegm.
- All right.
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91. I'll go down there tomorrow
and talk to my dad.
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92. Do you think the nail on my pinky toe
will ever grow back?
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93. You're supposed to yield, you...
Not anymore.
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94. Thanks a lot, Councilman Fred Ebberd.
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95. Jerk.
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96. - Are you chewing my shorts?
- What in the...
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97. Count them again!
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98. There's 53 cans there, a nickel a pop.
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99. You owe me $2.65.
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100. - Sir, there are only 50 cans here.
- Fifty-three.
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101. This hobo took three
cans from my pile.
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102. I got those cans from a sewer
outside the bus station.
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103. Them three cans was my cans.
I smashed them myself.
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104. - Smashed them good.
- You're lying.
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105. This dumpster monkey is lying.
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106. Whoever hands me the cans
gets the money.
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107. - Here.
- What the cussburg!
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108. I need that money. Give me that.
They took my house!
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109. I gots to live in the VFW. I'm broke.
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110. Broke?
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111. You have no money
and you lost the house in Houston?
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112. How could this happen?
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113. - Did you blow it all on exotic dancers?
- Don't you judge me.
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114. My pension barely covered me
and the woman.
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115. I didn't plan on busting through
my wienie shield...
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116. and having this little fellow.
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117. And I can't deny him anything
in the world. No, I can't.
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118. Cotton tried to find a job in Houston
but nobody wanted him.
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119. Didi, you're a certified
optometrical assistant.
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120. - There's a Lenscrafters down at the—
- No wife of mine is gonna work.
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121. Look, Dad, I've got a few extra
dollars in my passbook account.
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122. - I could help you out.
- You ain't my daddy.
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123. I'm your daddy.
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124. - Topsy!
- Yeah.
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125. Show Hank the door.
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126. All right, back off. God.
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127. Dad, I could talk to
Buck Strickland...
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128. about getting you a job
at Strickland Propane.
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129. I don't need your charity job!
I got me an interview tomorrow.
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130. Getting back into the
insulation business.
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131. The same work that kept your mother
in JC Penney skirts...
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132. and paid for your glasses
all them years, four eyes.
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133. I'm your man, Mr. Lewis.
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134. I supervised the
installation of asbestos...
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135. in every public school in Heimlich
County and 11 bowling alleys.
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136. Yeah, our company
is paid to remove asbestos.
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137. What? Remove asbestos?
What the hell for?
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138. You wrote on your application
that you're 38 years old?
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139. - Is that right?
- Indeed.
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140. I tend to look older because the
Japanese shot my shins off in the war.
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141. - Which war?
- Gulf War.
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142. Now, hold on there.
You can't ask an applicant his age.
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143. - I'm sorry, who is this?
- I'm his son.
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144. Gulf War baby.
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145. Saddam's chemicals
made him freakishly large.
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146. Yeah, we'll be sure
to give you a call.
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147. I tell you, Hank, ever since you sold
me those propane patio heaters...
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148. people have been eating outside
even when it's cold.
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149. Clean, even heating
is just one of the 14 reasons—
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150. Yeah, I remember your toast
at my daughter's wedding.
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151. Now, listen, if there's ever anything I
can do for you, just give me a holler.
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152. Mr. Burton,
are you a fan of World War ll heroes?
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153. So you're my Uncle Burt's new hire.
Now, this is your stool.
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154. When people come in,
you give them the special greeting.
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155. Did you learn the special greeting?
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156. - I studied on it.
- Good for you.
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157. Break time's in an hour.
You get three ounces of beef...
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158. or five ounces of
chicken and one starch.
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159. Thank you.
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160. Welcome to Burton's.
The hostess will seat you.
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161. Welcome to Burton's.
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162. The hostess will seat you.
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163. She's tied up momentarily.
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164. Right this way.
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165. - What are you doing?
- They was waiting.
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166. - I'm showing them to a table.
- That's the hostess's job.
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167. You're a greeter.
Now, please return to your stool.
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168. Now, you listen to me, junior.
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169. I led a platoon of men
through the jungles of Saipan.
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170. I think I can lead a party of four
to Table 6!
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171. I'm sure you can. But right now...
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172. what I need you to do
is go back to your stool.
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173. You think I can't do it?
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174. I've done everything for this country.
I gave my shins to beat the Tojos.
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175. I bit a Nazi's windpipe in half!
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176. My stool? Where's the greeter's stool?
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177. Congratulations.
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178. You've been
promoted to Men's Room Attendant.
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179. What?
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180. Sorry about that.
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181. Good afternoon, kinfolk!
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182. Who knew there was so much money
in greeting?
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183. Hop in, I'm gonna treat all the
Hill boys to some ice cream.
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184. - My work here is done.
- Cotton, look at the detail on this float.
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185. Now, I'd say it's a second-place float
right now.
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186. All it needs to move up to first
are authentic war medals.
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187. You're such a nag.
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188. Now I know why
Hank wants to divorce you.
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189. - Dad, there's not a shred of truth.
- Mull it over.
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190. - That's the one.
- Hey! Get out of my Cadillac car.
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191. It's my car now.
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192. You're five months
behind on your payments.
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193. Afternoon, ma'am. Wayne Pratley,
Pratley Cadillac and Hyundai.
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194. Hold on a minute now.
There's gotta be something...
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195. - that we can work out here.
- It's too late for that, Hank.
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196. But it's not too late
to put you into a brand new Sonata.
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197. Only 52,000 miles on her.
She's practically a dealer car.
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198. - I'll cut your guts out!
- Dad, no.
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199. You think about that Sonata,
Hank!
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200. Get off my plug!
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201. Well, thank you very much, Hank...
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202. for helping me chop him up.
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203. You owe me a Cadillac car.
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204. Mr. Hill, you're late.
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205. Couldn't reach the ding cord on
the bus. Now, listen up, junior.
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206. I ain't gonna be here tomorrow.
I'm marching in the Veterans Parade...
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207. and I still get my full pay.
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208. Not on my watch.
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209. Veterans Day is one of our busiest
days. We're right on the parade route.
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210. I need you in the men's room
on your stool.
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211. You can't do that. I killed 50 men.
That parade's for me.
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212. Mr. Hill, maybe you
have to re-evaluate...
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213. whether you really want to clean up
after my customers use the bathroom.
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214. Your mother stayed up all night putting
the finishing touches on that float.
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215. Never came to bed. What the...
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216. You put skeletons on lwo Jima?
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217. Without your father's medals the
whole authentic concept didn't work.
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218. I had to go in a different direction.
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219. "The Futility of War."
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220. Peggy, you can't make fun of war
heroes in a Veterans Parade.
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221. - It is a tribute.
- Those are skeletons, Peggy!
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222. Old Halloween decorations were the
best I could do at 4:00 a.m., Hank.
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223. Sorry I'm late, I had
to take three buses.
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224. One to get here...
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225. one to go back and get G.H.,
and then one to get here.
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226. - Where's my dad?
- He had to work.
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227. A veteran working on Veterans Day?
That ain't right.
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228. Dad, you in here?
They said you were back here.
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229. I'm on my break from my greeter's job.
What do you want? I'm busy.
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230. I stopped by the VFW
and picked up your dress uniform...
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231. your marching shoes.
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232. I can't march today.
I'm too big of a man here.
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233. Gots too much responsibility.
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234. Dad, you're the greatest war hero
Arlen's ever seen.
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235. - You should be marching in that parade.
- Can't.
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236. I'm just gonna leave your uniform
on this bar stool...
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237. if you change your mind.
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238. There he is!
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239. - I beg your pardon?
- Sorry.
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240. Would you believe this isn't the
first time that's happened to me?
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241. Ass.
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242. Happy Veterans Day.
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243. I told you, we'll bring
your meal in to you.
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244. Doing it for the baby.
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245. My Cadillac car.
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246. He clowned up my...
I'll get that son of a bitch.
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247. Good. My dad decided to
join the parade after all.
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248. Good Lord!
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249. I love a parade.
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250. Scoot over. My dad stole his car back.
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251. If we can't agree on it...
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252. then Bob and I will go to Del Taco
and you two go to Taco Bell, okay?
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253. I ain't no stink-house porter.
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254. You think a shinless man
can't remove asbestos?
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255. I'll show you what a 75-year-old
shinless man can remove.
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256. Told you it was a rug.
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257. Sixty and one smashed,
sixty and two smashed...
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258. sixty and three...
Go away, you. These are my cans.
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259. Hey, fingers,
you ain't counting fast enough.
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260. - Sixty and four.
- Sixty and five.
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261. Sixty and six, sixty-seven,
sixty-eight, nine...
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262. six and ten, six-eleven.
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263. Topsy, you shouldn't
be waiting for a bus.
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264. You strangled Hermann Géring,
for God's sake!
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265. - Please don't kill me.
- I won't.
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266. But in a few minutes,
you is gonna wish you was dead.
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267. - Take your time, sir.
- Thanks.
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268. Outstanding work, Sergeant.
Reminds me of the old days.
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269. Who's next?
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270. There's nobody left.
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271. And I still ain't done nothing
to help my family.
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272. Come on, Colonel, this is where you say
"Topsy, let's roll." And you say...
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273. Sorry, Toppington.
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274. Some things a man has
to do on his own.
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275. I'm sorry we never got to go
for that ice cream cone, Bobby.
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276. Looks like we're not gonna get the chance.
Just as well, I don't have any money.
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277. I've got that share of US Steel
you bought me when I was born.
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278. We could cash that in.
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279. You should put that money
into life insurance.
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280. Best thing I ever did.
I'm worth more dead than alive.
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281. What do you mean, Grandpa?
Is there a price on your head?
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282. Probably.
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283. Here you go. I've written you a letter
of recommendation for the Army.
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284. Give this to the general
when you turn 15.
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285. Dad, Grandpa was just here.
He was acting all weird.
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286. He kept talking about how important
it is to have life insurance.
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287. The Colonel
asked me for some ammunition...
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288. which, due to the
spectacular failure...
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289. of Y2K, I had plenty of.
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290. - Knowing you, you gave it all to him.
- No.
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291. I tried to,
but he said he only needed one bullet.
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292. One bullet? Damn it, Dale.
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293. Cotton, I have been watching G.H.
all day. It is your turn.
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294. - Not now, woman.
- Yes, now.
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295. I need some "me" time
to do the laundry.
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296. Dad! Dad, open up. Come on, let me in.
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297. Go away, this doesn't involve you.
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298. Dad!
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299. Just taught the boy how to fire a gun.
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300. Look at him. He loves to shoot!
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301. You cried your first time
and you was three.
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302. - You were just... I thought you were...
- What?
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303. I was spending time with my favorite
son. You got a problem with that?
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304. No. No, I don't.
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305. Hank, I thought it over.
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306. I've decided
to let you give me some money.
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307. - You know, for G.H.
- I'm glad you've come around...
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308. - and I'm happy to help you out.
- It ain't help.
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309. You're paying me back
for all the money I spent raising you.
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310. Food, clothes, sissy
lenses for your eyes.
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311. - Okay, Dad. That seems fair.
- It's more than fair.
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312. I ain't even charging you interest
because you're my son and all.
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313. Now, give me $300.
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314. I want to buy G.H.
and me a set of walkie-talkies.
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315. You know,
for when he learns to walk and talk.
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316. - I've got a $20 on me.
- $20?
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317. I got poop tips bigger than that.
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318. Waffles! Where's my waffles?
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