1. Dad, I didn't get to bed
until 3:00 this morning.
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2. I was watching the Taxi marathon
on Nick at Nite.
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3. Thank you very much.
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4. Bobby, in this house you don't get to
sleep through your summer vacation...
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5. and watch what were probably repeats
all night like some shut-in.
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6. Here. I've put together a chore list.
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7. And I made sure to alternate
between light and heavy chores.
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8. Weed-pulling is not a light chore.
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9. Yes, it is.
I just purchased a new weed-puller.
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10. Well, actually,
I wouldn't mind trying that out first.
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11. And don't worry about the garage door.
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12. I'll paint that this weekend.
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13. I'm not giving you my chores,
you're getting a job.
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14. Okay. Though I'm not very employable.
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15. No skills, bad attitude,
seventh-grade education.
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16. But we can try.
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17. Hello, Peggy Hill.
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18. Well, Minh, I'm surprised
to see you here.
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19. I've been donating
blood for a long time.
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20. I'm what they call a universal donor.
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21. Type O. I can give blood to anyone.
My blood that important.
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22. Well, I am AB negative,
the rarest blood of all.
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23. Liquid gold!
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24. Mrs. Hill, our records
show that you have
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25. donated a total of
six pints of blood.
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26. I want you to know that when
you've reached eight pints—
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27. Or one gallon.
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28. Yes, or one gallon, we will give you
a complimentary coffee mug.
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29. A mug? And it would say
that I gave blood, right?
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30. Yes.
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31. And Mrs. Souphanousinphone, you're
only one pint away from the mug.
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32. Hear that, Peggy Hill?
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33. Next time I'll be drinking orange
juice from a coffee mug...
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34. while you still drinking it from the
little itty-bitty Peggy Hill paper cup.
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35. Stealing company gas, Hank?
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36. Good one.
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37. Mr. Strickland, I was wondering...
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38. if it'd be okay to put Bobby to work
for the summer as a tank wipe?
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39. No, it's too late.
I promised the last tank-wipe job...
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40. to Miz Liz's brother's stepson's kid.
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41. But I'll tell you what.
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42. If Bobby works half
as hard as you,
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43. I'll pull a few strings,
grease a few palms...
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44. and get him a job as a caddy
at the golf club.
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45. Well, that would be great, sir.
You know, I love golf.
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46. Maybe if, you know, sometime...
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47. I mean, I know you love golf, too,
and I thought—
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48. No, Hank. You're too old to
be a caddy. Get back to work.
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49. Well, hey, Minh.
I just thought you'd like to know...
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50. that I've donated another pint of
blood. Seven pints apiece, Minh.
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51. But not for long.
I am on a donating streak.
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52. The trick to being picked by a golfer
is to make sure you make eye contact.
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53. Look alert. They like that.
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54. If you don't get picked, you end
up sitting on your butt all day.
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55. Thanks for the tip.
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56. Yeah. Let me see.
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57. Kid.
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58. Hey, Mr. Strickland.
Nice to see you, sir.
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59. Here you go, Bradley.
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60. Hey, you. Bring me a martini
on the first tee. Two olives.
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61. - Hey, Bobby. How're they treating you?
- Good, sir.
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62. Well, now you can tell them
Buck Strickland treats you better.
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63. After work we're gonna hang out
and wash some golf carts.
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64. And we're gonna ride some
blocks of ice down a hill.
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65. Well, I'm not really interested
in washing carts.
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66. But you give me a shout when you're
ready to do that ice-riding thing.
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67. Okay. You want to go first?
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68. Me? Sure. What the hey?
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69. Now, how do l...
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70. You are ice-blocking, my friend. Yeah!
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71. Do you know who you knocked down?
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72. The chairman
of the Membership Committee.
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73. Yeah, that's right. Corky Haywood.
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74. I'd be wetting myself, too, right now
if I were you.
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75. Sir, your son was involved
in an incident near green number six.
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76. A club member was incapacitated
due to ice-blocking.
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77. Your son's services as a caddy
have been terminated.
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78. Oh, God, Bobby. Mr.
Strickland is my boss.
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79. He put his reputation on the line
to get you this job.
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80. Also, sir, your truck is parked
more than one foot from the curb.
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81. - I'm giving you a warning.
- You're not a cop.
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82. That's why it's just a warning.
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83. Corky Raywood may have
a deep thigh bruise...
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84. but the real victim here is Mr.
Strickland.
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85. You owe that man an apology.
I'll wait out here.
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86. I'm really sorry, sir.
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87. I don't know if you've ever ridden
a block of ice before.
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88. Well, I married Miz Liz, didn't I?
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89. Now, don't you worry, Bobby.
I'll take care of this.
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90. But that security guy
said I was fired.
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91. Then that security guard's fired.
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92. - No, please don't—
- Too late. He's fired.
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93. Sorry, Bobby. I was making a hot toddy
before you showed up.
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94. You want a hot toddy?
A hot toddy will calm your nerves.
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95. - No, thank you, sir.
- Miz Liz! Two hot toddies!
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96. We're gonna toast your new job
as my personal caddy.
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97. Now, tell me, Bobby, did you really
knock that son of a bitch on his ass?
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98. You know, he tried to get me
kicked out of the club...
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99. for throwing my putter at his wife?
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100. No one sneezes
when Buck Strickland's about to putt.
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101. Except for Buck Strickland.
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102. I'm gonna make him my personal caddy.
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103. Well, gee, thank you
for doing this for me, sir.
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104. Not doing it for you,
I'm doing it for Bobby.
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105. He reminds me of my boy.
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106. I didn't know you had a son.
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107. Yeah. Lives in a different town,
different woman.
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108. Name's Roy, Ray, something like that.
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109. After 16 years,
I'm too embarrassed to ask.
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110. Eighteen holes.
I've never walked that far in my life.
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111. Well, you're not gonna start now.
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112. Toss those clubs in the cart
and take the driver's seat.
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113. - You hungry, Bobby?
- Yes, sir, I am.
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114. Well, how's a couple of hot dogs
with everything on them sound?
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115. Fantastic!
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116. Damn it!
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117. - You playing army golf today, Vargas?
- Army golf?
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118. Yeah. Left, right, left, right.
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119. Good one, sir.
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120. Yahoo!
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121. Sent that whore home in a taxi!
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122. I had a dream last night
where we were all naked.
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123. Except for you, Hank.
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124. You had these tiny, clear,
plastic underpants on.
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125. Actually, they weren't doing
you any good, really,
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126. because you
could see everything.
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127. But the weird part is—
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128. Look. There's Bobby.
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129. See you tomorrow at the club, Bobby.
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130. You didn't ask Mr. Strickland
to give you a ride home, did you?
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131. He insisted.
And he tipped me a dead president:
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132. Hamilton.
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133. Way to go, Bobby.
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134. Mr. Strickland's not one
to throw his money around.
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135. He rewards hard work
with a fair salary.
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136. Look at you, Hank. You are so jealous.
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137. When was the last time you were
dropped off at home by your boss?
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138. Never.
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139. So then, when Buck finally sunk his
putt, he tried to do a little dance...
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140. but he's kind of too big,
so he had me do it for him.
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141. Everybody loved it.
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142. Well, while Buck's out enjoying
himself on the links...
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143. I'm just glad he's got someone like me
at the shop...
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144. to keep the trains running on time.
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145. Take today, for instance.
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146. We got a surprise call
from the Propane Association.
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147. They needed to talk to Buck.
Well, I handled it.
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148. Told them that would be fine.
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149. Yep, that's just the kind of fires I
have to put out when Buck's not around.
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150. Anyway, it was some game.
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151. Mr. Strickland got up under more balls
than a midget hooker.
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152. Bobby!
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153. Where did you learn language
like that? The television?
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154. No, Mr. Strickland.
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155. Just because you're his caddy does
not give you the right to repeat it.
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156. Take it easy, Old Top.
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157. God dang it, it's 7:15.
I'm missing The Wheel.
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158. Sir, last night at dinner
Bobby used some language...
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159. Sorry. I didn't...
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160. Yeah, no. Look, yeah, I got to go.
Your daddy just walked in the room.
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161. Hank, you want to say hi to your son?
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162. No, but I'm glad I can
talk to you both.
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163. Mr. Strickland, Bobby
used some language
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164. last night that he
said he got from you.
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165. Is that true, Bobby?
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166. Uh-huh.
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167. Uh-huh.
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168. All right then, Bobby.
I'll see you at the club.
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169. That it, Hank?
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170. I'm sorry, ma'am. But I'm afraid
I'm going to have to send you home.
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171. Your blood pressure is way too low.
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172. Oh!
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173. Darn. No mug for Minh.
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174. Did you give blood recently?
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175. Yes. But so did she. Twice!
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176. Sea!
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177. You do not have to take it
from a vein in my arm.
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178. You can take it
from one in the back of my leg.
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179. Both of you go home.
And I'm not giving you a mug.
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180. You can have a cookie.
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181. I do not want a cookie.
I want that mug.
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182. Come on. What are you waiting for?
Let's save some lives!
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183. You ready to lose, Pratley?
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184. Look out.
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185. Shoot. Now, where did that
little son of a gun get to?
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186. It's over here, Mr. Strickland.
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187. I almost broke my neck
tripping over that ball.
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188. Well, isn't that cheating, Mr.
Strickland?
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189. I'm not gonna lie to you, Bobby.
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190. No. it's just being clumsy.
There's no law against being clumsy.
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191. That is, unless you're caught.
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192. Go find the ball, Bobby.
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193. Find it some place good.
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194. Well, see you later, Bobby.
Remember to soak those feet.
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195. So, Bobby, I thought
that maybe we'd go golfing tomorrow.
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196. Just the two of us.
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197. Uh-huh.
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198. Give your mother a
chance to recuperate.
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199. I can't, Dad. Buck asked me
to caddy for him this weekend.
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200. And we are teeing off
at 9:00 tomorrow.
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201. Isn't that Mr. Strickland's watch?
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202. It's my watch now.
He gave it to me as a gift.
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203. Buck Strickland does not give gifts.
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204. I've worked for the man over 15 years
and he's never given me anything.
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205. That's true, Bobby.
Never has.
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206. Mr. Strickland probably
just lent it to you.
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207. No. He gave it to me for helping him
get the best score of his life.
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208. - What did he shoot?
- A 65.
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209. What? Well, that's a course record.
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210. He was having some trouble...
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211. but I bailed him out
with my trusty "hand wedge."
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212. Bobby, you cheated.
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213. There was money on the game.
Besides, Lane Pratley's a horse's ass.
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214. You're giving that watch back.
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215. No, I'm not.
Mr. Strickland gave me that watch...
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216. and it's Mr. Strickland
who gives me my money.
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217. He asks me to jump and I say,
"How high?"
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218. He asks me to cheat
and we're on the green in two.
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219. Well, there is no getting
around the rules in this house.
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220. If you like cheating and lying so much,
why don't you go to Buck's house?
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221. - All right, maybe I will.
- Fine. I'll drive you.
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222. - Hank, what are you doing?
- I know what I'm doing.
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223. Well, it sounds like you know
what you're doing.
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224. But I am still too lightheaded
to really fully comprehend your plan.
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225. Buck' s no baby-sitter.
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226. He'll turn Bobby away the minute
he sets foot on his doorstep.
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227. All right, I can't handle
a thousand details, Hank.
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228. Just give me the broad strokes.
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229. Hey. Bobby!
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230. Did Bobby phone home yet?
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231. - Where is Bobby?
- Well, he's still at Buck's.
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232. But believe me, after a couple of hours
without his nightlight and humidifier...
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233. he'll be begging to come home.
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234. Hello, Lupino. Sorry to disturb you.
I need to talk to Mr. Strickland.
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235. Mr. Strickland went
to Hot Springs, Arkansas.
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236. I press his gambling suit and I
pack his naked-lady playing cards.
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237. He goes last night with Mr. Hill.
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238. - I'm Mr. Hill.
- Little Mr. Hill.
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239. Dang it!
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240. All right. If Mr. Strickland
calls, you tell him...
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241. I'm taking a personal day.
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242. You ever been to the dog races, Bobby?
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243. Not one as organized as this.
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244. Do they still let the monkeys
ride the dogs around the track?
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245. No, not since the '40s.
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246. Nothing like seeing a monkey
whip a dog down the backstretch.
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247. Bobby, you're gonna
be my wallet caddy.
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248. Now, don't lose it.
I got all my betting money in there.
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249. Okay!
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250. Okay, now, I just put our money
on Wonderdog.
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251. I like that name.
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252. Yeah. I saw Wonderdog dump a load
before the race.
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253. Means he'll run light.
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254. Look out, folks.
Here comes the bunny.
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255. - Go, Wonderdog!
- Go, Wonderdog!
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256. Wallet caddy, hand me my wallet.
We're going again!
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257. Hey, Minh.
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258. Down here, Minh.
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259. That's not real! You
made that yourself!
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260. They wouldn't take any more blood
from you.
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261. Well, maybe not in Arlen.
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262. Maybe not in McMaynerbury.
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263. But, Minh, there's a little town
called Houston.
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264. And when that construction crane
fell over...
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265. they didn't have time
to ask questions.
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266. You're lying!
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267. I would not be down here gloating
if I were.
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268. I think I'll go inside
and brew some coffee.
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269. Yep. That's gonna taste sweet.
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270. Now, you see, your daddy wouldn't know
how to have a good time like this.
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271. No, sir. He would not.
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272. Hey, old-timer.
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273. Do you know where Rooster's crap game
is tonight?
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274. Rooster's crap game
is between Fourth and Fifth Street.
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275. Go around the back. Knock twice
and slip $20 under the door.
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276. You ever see someone
fish for $40, Bobby?
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277. - No.
- Watch this.
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278. Look at him go! He makes in a
year what I make in a week.
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279. Thanks for letting me know
that my taillight was out.
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280. Well, I'd want you to do
the same for me, Officer.
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281. Say, can you tell me
how much further it is to Hot Springs?
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282. Another hour-and-a-half.
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283. - All right. Drive carefully now.
- I will.
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284. - Kid can't come in.
- It's okay. He's my son.
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285. I don't care whose son it is.
Kid can't come in.
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286. All right. Bobby, you're
gonna have to stay out here.
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287. I'm gonna take half my betting money,
you hold onto the rest.
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288. Here. Hold onto my heart pills.
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289. If I'm losing my shirt in there,
I'm gonna fake a heart attack.
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290. Now, that's your cue to come in
waving the pills, screaming:
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291. "My daddy's having a heart attack!"
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292. You got that?
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293. - Now, who's my wallet caddy?
- I am.
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294. There we go!
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295. - What are you looking at?
- Nothing.
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296. Come on, baby. Forget about him.
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297. You're lucky my woman doesn't want me
to fight, you little freak...
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298. or I'd mess you up good.
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299. I am hot, Bobby! I just hit the
five three times in a row!
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300. Do you think I
should press the five?
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301. I don't know.
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302. Mr. Strickland, how
much longer do you—
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303. Screw it! I'm gonna
press the five.
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304. Luck is with me tonight, Bobby. I'm on
the gravy train with biscuit wheels.
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305. - You all emptied out, Carla?
- Yeah.
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306. Oh, God!
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307. Okay, kid, hand over the money.
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308. My daddy's having a heart attack!
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309. Your daddy already tried that.
We're not buying it.
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310. - Now, give us the money.
- And the watch.
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311. But the watch is mine.
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312. Your daddy said you'd give
us the money and the watch.
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313. Now, come on, kid. The watch.
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314. The watch is mine!
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315. You get what you needed, Rooster?
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316. That boy give you the money
and the watch?
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317. The boy gave us the money,
took off with the watch.
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318. What? God dang it, Bobby.
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319. I think I'm having an infarction!
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320. Look through his pockets.
And take his shoes.
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321. It's my watch.
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322. Back off. I'm this boy's father.
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323. I thought the old guy was his father.
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324. No. This one's my dad.
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325. This one right here.
The one with the golf club.
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326. Here. Take the watch.
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327. I don't want it anymore.
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328. The quicker we're out of Hot Springs
the better.
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329. Keep your distance. I
just need some air.
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330. You heard me.
I'm having a goddang heart attack!
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331. Mr. Strickland, get in.
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332. Get him.
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333. What are you waiting for, Hank? Go!
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334. Yeah!
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335. Come and get me, you sons of bitches!
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336. Come on, step on it!
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337. Yeah! That's right,
you backwater hicks!
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338. You missed Buck again!
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339. So, I guess I'm gonna be punished.
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340. You're darn right.
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341. First of all, you will not be caddying
for Mr. Strickland anymore.
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342. Second of all, you're grounded
for the rest of the summer.
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343. Thanks, Dad.
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344. Miz Liz! Two ha!' toddies!
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