1. All right, Manger Babies.Copy !req
2. We are on right after
the weather report.Copy !req
3. So, if anyone has to go to
the bathroom, tell me now.Copy !req
4. Well, it looks like that storm brewing
in Big Bend will miss Heimlich County...Copy !req
5. and plant a big sloppy kiss an
the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex.Copy !req
6. - Sony, Big D.
- Thanks, Nancy.Copy !req
7. On a personal note,
I will be an vacation next week.Copy !req
8. So, Nancy, I'd like to be the first
to wish you a happy 40th birthday.Copy !req
9. Why, thank you, Berle.Copy !req
10. For 40-year-old Nancy Hicks Gribble
on weather and Don Ringle on sports...Copy !req
11. this is Berle Arlington bidding you...Copy !req
12. good night and God bless.Copy !req
13. And clear.Copy !req
14. Hey, beautiful!Copy !req
15. Prepare yourself to be
whisked, as in alé.Copy !req
16. I am taking you to the La Grunta Resort for
a birthday weekend you will not forget.Copy !req
17. I think I'd rather celebrate
my birthday quietly at home.Copy !req
18. Too late. Your credit
card is already billed.Copy !req
19. Now, let's go pamper you.Copy !req
20. The odd thing is I hate dirt,
but I love mud.Copy !req
21. It's hailing! I've got to get back to the
station. This is sweeps-worthy weather.Copy !req
22. Our Weather Watcher in Rumpert says
the hail is now dodge-ball size.Copy !req
23. We gotta go live!Copy !req
24. You okay?Copy !req
25. You, puppet girl, can you read?Copy !req
26. "And the National Weather Service
predicts the storm will..."Copy !req
27. Slow down! The words
are going too fast.Copy !req
28. Damn it. She's wearing blue.Copy !req
29. for two more days
before finally clearing.Copy !req
30. It's a good color on her.Copy !req
31. Anyways, it's going to keep raining and
hailing and thundering and lightning-ing...Copy !req
32. for a while.Copy !req
33. So, hug your babies tight.Copy !req
34. - And back to you, Mr. Arlington.
- Call me Berle.Copy !req
35. Berle.Copy !req
36. I got here as fast as I could, Tom.
I am ready to go on.Copy !req
37. Hey, Nancy, we are going
to shake things up a little.Copy !req
38. I am making you the late night
weekend weather girl.Copy !req
39. Luanne is going to take over
the morning weather slot.Copy !req
40. I used to think these lines gave me
integrity as a weather journalist.Copy !req
41. But who am I kidding?
They are just wrinkles.Copy !req
42. I blame the mirror.Copy !req
43. I've seen a mirror turn
an ordinary man 10 feet tall.Copy !req
44. And another turn
the same man 3 feet short.Copy !req
45. That man was me.Copy !req
46. I am getting old, Dale. And I am
in a younger, prettier business.Copy !req
47. Oh, God!Copy !req
48. I need a face-lift or a time machine.Copy !req
49. And your smoking is not helping.
Cigarettes are hell on skin.Copy !req
50. You know I can't quit.Copy !req
51. What do you think, Dr. Mark Seldon?
Can you take care of my baby?Copy !req
52. Absolutely. I am very good.Copy !req
53. I just want to look
like me, 20 years ago.Copy !req
54. What's this face-ectomy
going to run us?Copy !req
55. $5,000.Copy !req
56. It will take us 20 years to save
that kind of money.Copy !req
57. And then you will have
to make her look 40 years younger.Copy !req
58. And we'll never be
able to afford that!Copy !req
59. Why would Nancy want a face-lift?Copy !req
60. There's nothing wrong with
the face God gave her.Copy !req
61. I am with you.
But my baby gets what my baby wants.Copy !req
62. There is no procedure, however
gruesome, I could ever deny her.Copy !req
63. How're you gonna pay for it?
Are you taking Dale's Dead Bug public?Copy !req
64. Good idea. But nope.Copy !req
65. I filed a $5,000-dollar suit
in small-claims court...Copy !req
66. against one Reynolds Penland,
Chairman and CEO...Copy !req
67. of the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.Copy !req
68. I will allege the second-hand smoke from
his fine product has wrinkled my wife...Copy !req
69. jeopardizing her job because she
is unattractive to weather-watchers...Copy !req
70. and her marriage
because she is unattractive to me.Copy !req
71. You know, who you ought to
be suing is the Arlen school system.Copy !req
72. How one of their graduates could come
up with a plan this dumb is beyond me.Copy !req
73. No. My plan is brilliant.Copy !req
74. I could be suing those
cigarette moguls for billions.Copy !req
75. They will never show up in court
to save a measly five large.Copy !req
76. They pee wine that
costs more than that.Copy !req
77. - I will get a default judgment.
- Brilliant.Copy !req
78. Four, three, two, one.Copy !req
79. 9:00 a.m. on the dot and
the dastardly coward didn't show.Copy !req
80. I will just take my money now
and skedaddle.Copy !req
81. Oh. poo!Copy !req
82. Your Honor, I am Jeremy Toblik...Copy !req
83. lead counsel for the
Manitoba Tobacco Corporation...Copy !req
84. and its CEO, Reynolds Penland.Copy !req
85. It appears this case has been removed to
Federal District Court across the street.Copy !req
86. Where they will write my check?Copy !req
87. Mr. Gribble, the Manitoba Tobacco
Corporation has just counter-sued you...Copy !req
88. for $1.3 million dollars.Copy !req
89. Have a nice day in court.Copy !req
90. You weren't supposed to show up!Copy !req
91. Don't underestimate this guy.Copy !req
92. He's the only customer
in our database...Copy !req
93. who has earned every single item
in our gift catalog.Copy !req
94. You've got to smoke 90,000 cigarettes
just to get the satineen jacket.Copy !req
95. Now, let's be honest.
He should be dead by now.Copy !req
96. I am not putting you on the stand.Copy !req
97. Don't worry. We are placing Gribble
under electronic surveillance.Copy !req
98. Observation.Copy !req
99. Best-case scenario, we catch Gribble
playing lovey-dovey with his wife...Copy !req
100. and destroy his credibility.Copy !req
101. - I don't want to know about this.
- It can't be traced back to you.Copy !req
102. We hired a local P.l. And we are paying
him out of our snack-cake division.Copy !req
103. The lawyers subpoenaed my records.
That's the first step.Copy !req
104. The second step will be to kidnap
everyone I've ever known...Copy !req
105. and erase their memories.Copy !req
106. The third step will be to kill me!Copy !req
107. Dale, they are suing you.
They are not gonna kill you.Copy !req
108. Wake up, Hank!Copy !req
109. These people kill 400,000 of their
own satisfied customers every year!Copy !req
110. Dale, do yourself a favor
and just drop the case.Copy !req
111. Maybe they will go easy on you.Copy !req
112. How do you know
maybe they will go easy on me?Copy !req
113. They got to you, didn't
they, Hank Hill?Copy !req
114. Or should I say, Reynolds Penland?Copy !req
115. Peel off your fake face, Penland.Copy !req
116. Come on, peel it off. Like this.Copy !req
117. From the bottom up.Copy !req
118. Penland, you just bought yourself
an assault charge.Copy !req
119. - Dale Gribble?
- Yes!Copy !req
120. - Got a package for you.
- Goody-goody. What'd I get?Copy !req
121. It's Smoking Sammy Salmon,
the singing Manitoba fish.Copy !req
122. This is a corporate Christmas present
not available to the public.Copy !req
123. Enjoy.Copy !req
124. Look, Nancy! it's Smoking Sammy
Salmon, the singing Manitoba fish.Copy !req
125. Wow!Copy !req
126. Luanne is one hot fudge sundae
with two big scoops.Copy !req
127. Wait! This will cheer you up.Copy !req
128. It's the five-day forecast.Copy !req
129. Manitoba is the brand to smokeCopy !req
130. You'll enjoy it take for takeCopy !req
131. Don't worryCopy !req
132. Keep smokingCopy !req
133. A bug!Copy !req
134. A grotesque, flying water beetle.Copy !req
135. Will you excuse me, Nancy?Copy !req
136. They are bugging me! My God! I can't!Copy !req
137. Dale! Come in.Copy !req
138. I was just, you know, drinking beer.Copy !req
139. What?Copy !req
140. - I am being bugged.
- What?Copy !req
141. I am being bugged!Copy !req
142. By the Manitoba Tobacco Corporation.Copy !req
143. Was it like when the Norwegian Secret
Police planted a bug in your person?Copy !req
144. No. These guys are amateurs
to be trifled with.Copy !req
145. In the spirit of aikido...Copy !req
146. I will turn their bug against them...Copy !req
147. and feed it a steady diet
of strategic disinformation...Copy !req
148. I.e., I will insult Nancy's appearance
so convincingly...Copy !req
149. they will offer me
a large out-of-court settlement.Copy !req
150. I get it. And Nancy
will pretend to cry.Copy !req
151. No. No pretending.
Nancy's a terrible actress.Copy !req
152. Remember how her Eliza Doolittle
"did little" for the critics?Copy !req
153. For my insults to be effective, Nancy
must remain completely in the dark...Copy !req
154. her reactions real and unscripted,
like a Dean Martin roast.Copy !req
155. I got a new dress for work today.Copy !req
156. Baby. Come here and let me get
a good look at you.Copy !req
157. - I love the dress. But what's with the face?
- What?Copy !req
158. I am just saying you might want to get
a skycap to help you...Copy !req
159. with those bags under your eyes.Copy !req
160. Nancy, dearest, your smoke-rs
vaged face is making me nauseous.Copy !req
161. Would you mind putting this Kroger bag
over your head so I can make love to you?Copy !req
162. Get out!Copy !req
163. The man's an animal.Copy !req
164. The only person the jury's going
to hate more than him is me.Copy !req
165. I don't know how much more
of this I can take.Copy !req
166. When he's not coming up with
a new way to tell me I am ugly...Copy !req
167. he's talking about how much money he's
going to make off of my disfigurement.Copy !req
168. You are not disfigured.
You are very pretty.Copy !req
169. Hank, tell her how pretty she is.Copy !req
170. Well, you've got beautiful eyes,
and a great figure, and you got—Copy !req
171. Thank you, Hank.
That's more than enough.Copy !req
172. Hi, everybody.Copy !req
173. Wow! Mrs. Gribble, you look terrible.Copy !req
174. Here. Try this new moisturizing cream.Copy !req
175. I use it on days when
I don't look my best.Copy !req
176. It's not even opened.Copy !req
177. She sure looks tired.Copy !req
178. Yes. But still doable.Copy !req
179. If I am going to win this thing,
I've got to bump it up a notch.Copy !req
180. Nancy is highly allergic to lemon.Copy !req
181. - Bill, hand me a—
- Lemon?Copy !req
182. Yes.Copy !req
183. Oh, my God!Copy !req
184. And as we move west toward El Paso,
watch out for high winds.Copy !req
185. So, ladies, if you've just done
your hair, you'd better beware.Copy !req
186. I just came to support Mrs. Gribble
and to give her some more make-ups.Copy !req
187. - You sabotaged my face!
- What?Copy !req
188. - Look at me!
- Good God.Copy !req
189. Now, Manitoba Cigarettes
have cost you your job, too?Copy !req
190. Tom the station manager said...Copy !req
191. he didn't want to see
my ugly face anymore!Copy !req
192. So, now nobody wants
to see your ugly face.Copy !req
193. That is it! I don't deserve this.Copy !req
194. You used to be a kind, loving man. And
now you are a foul-mouthed monster!Copy !req
195. - Yeah, yeah. Go on.
- Don't you touch me!Copy !req
196. It's over. I am leaving you.Copy !req
197. My horrifyingly grotesque wife
is leaving me because of my...Copy !req
198. smoking.Copy !req
199. Dale, I've tried real hard
to stay out of your relationship.Copy !req
200. But your relationship just moved
into my house and won't stop crying.Copy !req
201. Drop the suit and apologize
before it's too late.Copy !req
202. Man, you are a little-picture guy.Copy !req
203. Once I win and Nancy
gets her face-lift...Copy !req
204. everything will be as smooth
as her new skin.Copy !req
205. Beef-A-Roni's fun to eatCopy !req
206. Beef-A-Roni's really neatCopy !req
207. Beef-A-Roni's quite a treatCopy !req
208. - Hooray!
- 'Yippee!Copy !req
209. For Beef-A-RoniCopy !req
210. I can't take it anymore! Nancy's gone!Copy !req
211. She is gone and it's
breaking my heart.Copy !req
212. - She's coming back.
- No. No, she's not!Copy !req
213. You are living a lie.
She's never coming back!Copy !req
214. They never ever do!
You think they will but they won't.Copy !req
215. Bill, you are scaring me.
Weren't we just having fun?Copy !req
216. Yes. Believe me,
I want you to get a divorce.Copy !req
217. That way you will be
here all the time.Copy !req
218. Secretly, I was happy
your stupid plan backfired...Copy !req
219. so that I wouldn't be alone anymore,
but this isn't right.Copy !req
220. Go back to your wife! Here!
Take the money! And go, go on!Copy !req
221. Get back out the door
and get out of here! Get out!Copy !req
222. Hank, maybe I should talk to Nancy
for just a moment.Copy !req
223. She doesn't want to talk to you.
You broke her heart, Dale.Copy !req
224. Tell her I just want to
tell her I am sorry...Copy !req
225. and if she will let me talk to her,
I will tell her myself. Tell her.Copy !req
226. I will do my best.
But it's not going to be an easy sell.Copy !req
227. - Nancy?
- Make him go away.Copy !req
228. No sale.Copy !req
229. I need my Nancy!Copy !req
230. She won't talk to me.
What am I going to do?Copy !req
231. Wait. I know what I am going to do.Copy !req
232. All right, brain trust.
The trial's tomorrow.Copy !req
233. Don't play patty cake with me.Copy !req
234. Could we lose this thing?Copy !req
235. We erased the tapes,
so they can't hurt us.Copy !req
236. But the love affair between juries
and tobacco companies has cooled.Copy !req
237. Could we lose this thing?Copy !req
238. Yes.Copy !req
239. - Are you Nancy Hicks Gribble?
- Yes.Copy !req
240. It's a subpoena.Copy !req
241. Now Dale is dragging me into court
to humiliate me publicly.Copy !req
242. I can't get involved. Good day, madam.Copy !req
243. It's a legitimate offer.
Why couldn't he just—Copy !req
244. - Mr. Gribble, I am Reynolds Penland.
- Wait.Copy !req
245. If you're here, who's that?Copy !req
246. Gribble, I am offering you
the deal of the century.Copy !req
247. $75,000.Copy !req
248. In return, we accept no liability
and you keep your mouth shut.Copy !req
249. You have no idea who
you're up against...Copy !req
250. if you think I can begin
to keep my mouth shut.Copy !req
251. I don't want your chump change.
I am going for the big prize.Copy !req
252. Mr. Gribble, again I say this not only
as an officer of the court...Copy !req
253. but as a caring human being.Copy !req
254. Please do not represent yourself.Copy !req
255. May I continue?Copy !req
256. - Legally I cannot stop you.
- Thank you, Your Honor.Copy !req
257. Mr. Gribble, I hold in my hand...Copy !req
258. People Magazine's
Fifty Most Beautiful People issue.Copy !req
259. Are you familiar with
this Time Warner publication?Copy !req
260. No.Copy !req
261. May I remind you that
you are under oath?Copy !req
262. And the subscription label
on this magazine...Copy !req
263. bears the name of your optometrist.Copy !req
264. I will ask you again.Copy !req
265. Are you familiar with
this Time Warner publication?Copy !req
266. Possibly.Copy !req
267. Objection. How is this relevant?Copy !req
268. Your Honor, I intend to establish...Copy !req
269. the witness's impossibly
high standard of beauty.Copy !req
270. I will allow it.Copy !req
271. But I want to see where this is going.
Sit still and get on with it.Copy !req
272. Thank you, Your Honor.Copy !req
273. Mr. Gribble, referring to Page 16...Copy !req
274. in this magazine...Copy !req
275. can you identify
the individual picture thereon?Copy !req
276. Jennifer Aniston.Copy !req
277. Do you or do you not
find her beautiful?Copy !req
278. The really hot girl next door? Yeah.
Beautiful, no.Copy !req
279. Page 19, Denise Richards.Copy !req
280. I cannot get past her wretched acting
to see any beauty.Copy !req
281. Mira Sorvino, Mina
Suvari, Chloe Sevigny?Copy !req
282. Speak English, please.Copy !req
283. Cindy Crawford? Mole!Copy !req
284. Very well then.Copy !req
285. Julia Roberts.Copy !req
286. "A horse is a horse,
of course, of course."Copy !req
287. You are telling this
court under oath...Copy !req
288. that you find none of
these women beautiful?Copy !req
289. Are you a homosexual?Copy !req
290. No!Copy !req
291. You cannot have it both ways, Mr.
Gribble.Copy !req
292. Either you are a homosexual...Copy !req
293. or the most beautiful woman in
the world is in this magazine!Copy !req
294. The most beautiful woman in the world
is in this courtroom.Copy !req
295. Not you. The prettier
woman next to you.Copy !req
296. Would the woman
in the sunglasses and hat...Copy !req
297. please remove her sunglasses and hat?Copy !req
298. Do you know this woman?Copy !req
299. She is my wife. She is my lover.Copy !req
300. She is the mother of my child.
She is my raisan afétre.Copy !req
301. But is she beautiful?Copy !req
302. Now where is he going with this?Copy !req
303. Your Honor, please direct
the witness to answer the question.Copy !req
304. Let me remind the witness
and his attorney...Copy !req
305. that the entire basis of his damage
claim rests upon his wife's appearance.Copy !req
306. One of you answer the question!Copy !req
307. She is the most beautiful woman
in the world to me.Copy !req
308. And I want her back
more than anything.Copy !req
309. If anything, I owe Manitoba money
for the loveliness...Copy !req
310. my second-hand smoke
has bestowed upon my Nancy.Copy !req
311. She thinks she needs a face-lift. But
it couldn't be further from the truth.Copy !req
312. Your Honor, the defense moves
for dismissal!Copy !req
313. Case dismissed.Copy !req
314. Now, all of you,
get the hell out of my courtroom.Copy !req
315. I am so sorry, Nancy.Copy !req
316. I just wanted to make you
believe you were ugly...Copy !req
317. so if you testified you
wouldn't have to lie.Copy !req
318. That's so romantic.Copy !req
319. It's romantic and cunning.
I am the whole package.Copy !req
320. Will you forgive me?Copy !req
321. Cock-a-doodle-doo, Heimlich County.Copy !req
322. Nothing but blue skies ahead.Copy !req
323. There, I signed your wife's new
contract. And I said I was sorry.Copy !req
324. Now, are you going to drop...Copy !req
325. that age-discrimination suit
against the station?Copy !req
326. Not so fast, Hollywood.
What's in it for me?Copy !req
327. What do you want?Copy !req
328. I don't know. I hadn't
thought about it.Copy !req
329. File cabinet.Copy !req
330. Get him a file cabinet.Copy !req
331. I should have asked for
a weather chopper.Copy !req
332. Weather chopper!
And a file cabinet.Copy !req
333. Hug your babies tight.Copy !req