1. Boy, those pictures from our
trip to the new hardware store...
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2. sure came out great.
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3. Okay, keep flipping.
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4. I finished off the roll with some
pictures of my new boyfriend, Zack.
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5. I'm Zack.
Thank you for choosing Foto Phast.
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6. So we can't blame the red eyes
on the flash.
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7. - What do we owe you?
- $12.50.
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8. No, no. Let me get it.
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9. Since Zack and I are dating,
I get his employee discount.
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10. How much do I owe you?
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11. $12.50.
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12. - No hard feelings, but it's over, Linda.
- Linda?
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13. That's not how my name is pronounced.
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14. Oh, Luanne.
Honey, he just broke up with you.
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15. Oh!
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16. Oh, God. No!
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17. Oh, honey, please don't feel bad.
It makes your uncle uncomfortable.
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18. If Zack had told me
he was gonna act like such a butt...
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19. I would have never slept with him.
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20. You what?
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21. Oh, no.
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22. So that means you're not—
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23. Uncle Hank, I quit being a virgin
the first time I had sex.
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24. Nobody likes a quitter, Luanne.
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25. Zack liked me.
And so did Buckley, and Brad...
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26. and Brad's ex-best friend.
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27. Well, I think they liked me.
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28. You know, Luanne, there's someone who'll
love you more if you don't put out.
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29. Why don't we swing
by his bachelor pad?
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30. Well, you are right.
She has sinned.
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31. But if young people like Luanne
didn't sin, I'd be out of a job.
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32. Seriously, Luanne,
there is a way to restore your purity.
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33. She's listening.
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34. She can become a born-again virgin.
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35. How do you pull that one off?
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36. It's a religious ceremony we perform.
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37. All you have to do is promise
not to have sex again...
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38. until you're married
and log 14 hours...
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39. in our
Youth Abstinence Outreach Program.
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40. So, Luanne, are you interested?
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41. I'm willing to try anything once.
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42. Mr. and Mrs. Hill, are you willing
to be Luanne's virginity sponsors?
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43. Sponsor?
You mean like what the drunks have?
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44. Mr. Hill, a celibacy
sponsor is like...
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45. an offensive lineman
for the virgin quarterback.
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46. The other team is gonna be
coming on strong.
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47. So Luanne needs you
to get out there and block.
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48. Or she may very well get sacked.
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49. Well, that's not in the Bible,
but it should be. I'll do it.
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50. Okay, people.
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51. Who's ready to engage in a frank
and open discussion of fornication?
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52. May I remind you that there is a poster
of Jesus behind that ping-pong table?
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53. Oh, of course. Thanks, Hank.
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54. There will be ping-pong
and pasta salad after we finish.
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55. Now let's break into
male and female discussion groups...
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56. and share our detailed
sexual histories.
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57. We're going to kick things off today
by testifying...
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58. to the number of sexual partners
each of us has had.
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59. Four.
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60. So close to five.
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61. Anyway, Hank?
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62. What? No, thank you.
I'm just here as a sponsor.
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63. Yeah, and as a role model
for our emerging virgins...
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64. your insights could make the difference
between going all the way...
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65. and going all the way to heaven.
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66. Well, okay.
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67. I had my share of girlfriends...
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68. but coach always told me
to save it for football.
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69. Which I did. And then
I met Peggy Platter.
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70. And things got kind of heavy.
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71. But she insisted
we wait until our wedding night.
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72. And I thank her every day for that.
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73. So the answer's one. Next.
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74. Rhett.
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75. I had just one, too.
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76. But we weren't married. I hate myself.
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77. I was getting a massage.
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78. This sort of thing happens every day.
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79. A young man, naked in
a massage parlor—
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80. No, sir. I wasn't at a massage parlor.
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81. I was at an arts and crafts fair.
I took my shirt off.
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82. Stupid, stupid Rhett.
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83. Then she put me face down
on this padded...
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84. I don't know what, a sex chair,
and started rubbing my shoulders.
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85. And then she brushed against me.
And she smelled so good.
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86. I felt this...
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87. And then I sinned my pants.
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88. Oh, that's not losing your virginity.
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89. All you lost was those pants.
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90. I mostly work with propane,
so why don't I just go do that?
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91. 18, and 19.
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92. Well, when you say it,
it doesn't sound like much.
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93. But when you're sitting there with
19 Hershey's Kisses in front of you...
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94. that's a lot of chocolate.
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95. - Barba ra?
- Six.
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96. Very good.
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97. I'm the youngest one here.
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98. I can't tell them
I've had sex with four men.
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99. They'll think I'm a slut.
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100. It does not matter what they think.
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101. You have a forgiving God
and a tough but fair aunt.
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102. Luanne?
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103. - Four.
- Four.
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104. Peqqv?
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105. One. My husband.
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106. Well, good for you.
Ladies, this is a model for us all.
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107. Oh, no, please. I'm not.
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108. Oh, yes, you are.
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109. You are an inspiration, a holy beacon.
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110. We may not all be able to
match your rectitude...
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111. but God has truly prepared
a special place for you.
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112. Two.
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113. - I'm sorry?
- I would like one more chocolate, please.
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114. - Are you hungry, hon?
- No.
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115. I slept with another man
before I met my husband.
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116. And two.
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117. Luanne, it was my very best
male friend, Wayne Trotter.
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118. People always thought
we were going steady...
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119. but there'd never been
anything romantic between us until...
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120. one day we were at Pier 1.
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121. He sat me down in a wicker chair
and took my hand.
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122. He had beautiful hands.
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123. And he said to me,
"Peggy, I think I might be gay."
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124. And this was back when being gay in
Texas was not as fun as it is today.
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125. We decided that
the only way to know for sure...
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126. was to test him with Peggy Platter.
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127. So, we went back to Wayne's house...
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128. gently pushed aside
his decorative throw pillows...
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129. and then... Oh, yeah.
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130. Did you fix him?
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131. Oh, no, Luanne.
He was not broken. Just gay.
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132. Very. Very 96V-
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133. Are you ladies decent?
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134. He?' YOU guys got chocolate?
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135. Boy, am I jealous.
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136. Welcome, virgins,
soon-to-be virgins, sponsors...
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137. and fans of premarital abstinence.
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138. Will the sponsors of Luanne Platter
please step forward?
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139. Luanne, before God and man...
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140. your next breath will be
as if it were your first.
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141. I'm a virgin!
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142. What's up? Want to play some B?
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143. She is no longer interested in
catching what you're throwing, mister.
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144. Okay. Everyone who hasn't had
premarital sex gets ice cream.
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145. Oh, dear God.
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146. Well, I wouldn't tell him.
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147. I just feel so terrible.
I cannot sleep. I cannot eat.
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148. I have already lost a pound.
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149. You look wonderful, sug'.
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150. I agree.
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151. Normally, I would say so
with a lot more enthusiasm...
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152. but I am under a lot of stress.
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153. No sex equals great sex!
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154. No sex equals great sex!
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155. Oh, Bobby.
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156. I need to talk to you and...
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157. "your peer group"
about your virginity.
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158. I am not having sex until at least
my sophomore year at Harvard.
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159. You heard her.
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160. Not until our sophomore
year at Harvard.
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161. Your virginity is in danger now!
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162. You need to sign
this abstinence pledge card...
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163. before you discover
how wonderful sex feels.
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164. Keep talking.
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165. Okay. In addition to heaven...
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166. there are other benefits
to this pledge.
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167. You get a 10% discount on CDs,
movies, bowling and video games.
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168. And a free MP3 player
if you sign up 10 other virgins.
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169. We sure got lucky.
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170. When we were 18
we were already married.
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171. If we'd had to wait any longer,
who knows what kind of trouble...
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172. we would have gotten into?
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173. With each other, of course.
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174. Boy. Thank God for my free weights
and your strong moral fiber.
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175. My virtue is not the issue, Hank.
This is about Luanne.
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176. Well, that's what scares me.
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177. She's got nowhere near your upbringing
or self-control.
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178. I'll be damned if I'm
gonna raise her baby.
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179. We've got to find her a good boy
with strong values.
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180. Hey, I know a guy.
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181. Yeah!
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182. That's quite a hook
you got there, Rhett.
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183. I spend a lot of time bowling.
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184. I can't imagine a bigger rush
than picking up a spare.
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185. Ain't that so?
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186. Rhett, this is my niece, Luanne.
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187. She loves bowling and self-control.
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188. Hi.
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189. I'm Rhett.
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190. I saw you at the virgin thing.
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191. I got kicked out for
already being one.
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192. You wanna bowl? it's
totally not a sin.
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193. - Okay.
- Yeah.
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194. Oh, sure.
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195. TV and movies might make
premarital sex look good...
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196. but it's dangerous.
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197. It's caused broken homes,
broken hearts, depression...
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198. I'll sign.
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199. Who wants to play miniature golf
Friday night?
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200. - $2 off.
- Yo.
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201. Sorry, but that's the night
of the Abstinence Dance.
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202. I promised Luanne
I'd help her and Rhett chaperone.
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203. You know,
make sure the kids have a good time...
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204. but not a great one.
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205. Well, you go to your
prissy little dance.
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206. Me and the boys are going
to the putt-putt range.
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207. My sources tell me that that bully
no longer works there.
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208. I saw her panties.
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209. I feel so safe with you, Rhett.
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210. With Rad, my last committed
on-again-off-again relationship...
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211. everything we did
always seemed to lead to sex.
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212. God, Luanne. Sounds terrible.
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213. It was.
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214. Did you know that the changing table
at What-a-Burger is strong enough...
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215. to hold up one person, but not two?
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216. I thought people only had sex in bed.
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217. Or the shower.
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218. That could work, right?
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219. Or is there enough room to lie down?
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220. Real virgins are so cute.
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221. That's it!
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222. Will you marry me?
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223. Well, look at Bobby.
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224. I think he has finally
found his sport.
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225. Oh, my God!
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226. Uncle Hank, Aunt Peggy...
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227. Rhett asked me to marry him
and I said yes.
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228. You what?
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229. Luanne, you barely know this guy.
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230. Yeah, but we have so much in common.
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231. We are both virgins.
In fact, that's how we met.
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232. Yes, I know.
I introduced you two days ago.
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233. And each day has been
better than the one before.
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234. May I give you a little preview
of your wedding?
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235. "Does anyone object?"
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236. "Yes, I do."
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237. "And who are you?"
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238. "Peggy Hill!"
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239. Don't you want me to get married?
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240. Of course I do, honey.
But not to Rhett.
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241. When we meet the right guy for you,
we'll know.
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242. I may be a virgin, but I have been
around the block a few times...
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243. and I know when
someone's talking down at me.
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244. I am just trying to protect you from
your feelings, thoughts and instincts.
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245. I know that this is difficult for you,
Aunt Peggy...
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246. but you should be proud of me.
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247. I'm going to be the first Platter woman
to walk down the aisle a virgin.
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248. You watch it, young lady!
Your aunt and I never—
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249. No. Before she met you.
With Wayne Trotter.
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250. Peqqv?
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251. Well, it's true.
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252. He's gay now,
if that makes you feel any better.
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253. No. Of course it doesn't.
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254. Well, I feel like
a huge weight has been lifted.
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255. Don't you, Hank?
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256. You're the one who was always saying
we should wait.
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257. Well, it's easy to wait on dinner when
you've already had a little snack...
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258. isn't it, Peqsv?
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259. I was wrong.
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260. And I did not want to make
the same mistake twice.
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261. Which mistake is that?
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262. Sleeping with him, not sleeping with
me, or lying about it for 20 years?
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263. I wanna be mad at you
for the right reasons.
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264. Well, you never told me about
all your wild escapades...
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265. when you worked at Jeans West.
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266. I told you about the time I put
on the gigantic pair of khakis...
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267. and pretended I was tiny.
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268. I was very up front about it.
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269. Hank, I cannot change the past.
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270. I can only try to convince you
that you are overreacting to it.
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271. Right now we have to stop Luanne
before she ruins her life.
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272. I'm going to Luanne's.
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273. I think it's best if you stay here
and think about what you did...
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274. and what I didn't get to do.
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275. Oh!
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276. Yes! That is the dress.
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277. Sweet merciful Jesus,
that is the dress.
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278. The guy at the rental place said that most
of the girls who've worn this dress...
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279. are still married.
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280. I was going to ask Aunt Peggy
to sing the I Believe I Can Fly song...
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281. at the wedding.
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282. But now I'm not so sure.
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283. Tell you what. If you want,
I can take her off the guest list.
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284. Bill's been pushing for an invite.
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285. Luanne, as your guardian,
I cannot let you do this.
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286. Save your breath, Aunt Peggy.
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287. Nothing you could say can stop me
from becoming Mrs. Rhett Platter.
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288. Yes, I am keeping my last name.
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289. See, I was afraid
I wouldn't like your last name.
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290. - It's Vandergraff.
- Oh, I love it!
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291. I'm going to be Mrs.
Rhett Vandergraff.
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292. I'm going to be Mrs.
Rhett Vandergraff.
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293. The Vandergraffs.
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294. Hank, she did not know his last name.
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295. Well, at least he told her his
last name before they got married.
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296. He didn't spring it on
her 20 years later.
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297. Hank, will you stop this?
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298. What is it you want from me?
An apology? Fine. I am sorry.
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299. Very, very sorry.
I have made a horrible mistake...
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300. and I have paid the price.
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301. How much longer
are you gonna punish me?
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302. If you'll excuse me,
I've got to go tell Boomhauer...
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303. we'll need his limo
for the wedding this weekend.
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304. Strickland Propane. Taste the meat...
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305. I mean, hello.
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306. Hank, I just saw the virgin Luanne
climbing out her window.
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307. Her bedroom window.
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308. Oh, God.
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309. Hey!
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310. Cut it out. Knock it off.
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311. Hey, what the—
Right now.
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312. What do you think you're doing?
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313. What are you doing?
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314. We didn't do anything.
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315. I'm so sorry, Mr. Hill. I've waited 22
years. I couldn't wait another week.
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316. You're 22?
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317. All right. That's it.
The wedding is tomorrow.
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318. Oh. yes!
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319. Listen to me, Luanne.
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320. Getting married just so you can
sleep together is a big mistake.
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321. If I had married the first person
I slept with...
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322. I would have married Wayne Trotter.
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323. I never would have gone
sock-skating with Hank...
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324. on the linoleum
of our first studio apartment.
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325. I would have missed the way he tosses
and turns the night before Flag Day.
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326. The pride I felt the first time he
used one of my shirts as a rag.
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327. If I had done what
you're thinking of doing, Luanne...
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328. I never would have met
the love of my life.
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329. Come home, Hank.
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330. Peggy, you coming to
the wedding or not?
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331. The only reason I ask is, I need to
know how many burgers to defrost.
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332. Come on.
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333. Where is everyone?
I've reserved two picnic tables.
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334. - And where's Rhett?
- I canceled the wedding.
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335. - But—
- Aunt Peggy was right.
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336. We were just getting married
so we could fornicate...
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337. without you and God getting mad at us.
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338. But you and Aunt Peggy are the ones
who should be fornicating.
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339. What if Reverend Stroup heard you
talking like that?
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340. Well, Reverend Stroup thinks so, too.
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341. Chop, chop, Hank. Let's go.
I'm getting cold in here.
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342. Hank, I'm a virgin!
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343. Peggy, come on.
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344. This reborn virgin stuff
is a bunch of nonsense.
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345. Sorry, Reverend...
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346. but a few churchy words and
a dunk in the lake doesn't change...
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347. Peggy, I can see your whatnots.
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348. Let's start over again, Hank.
This time, no secrets.
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349. As soon as we get you into my truck
and over there behind those trees...
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350. I want you out of this robe
so you don't catch a cold.
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351. I think someone's going
to lose her virginity.
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352. Not me. No, no.
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353. Aunt Peggy.
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354. The Vandergraffs.
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