1. Exterminator's log, 0:10:05 a.m.
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2. Rat infestation at the
Nickman residence.
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3. This where you saw him last, Nickman?
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4. Yes, sir. He was
underneath that cabinet.
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5. You see, unlike the human,
the rat drags his testes as he walks.
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6. This creates a urine trail.
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7. Male testes confirmed.
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8. - Shouldn't you be wearing a mask?
- Mask, smask.
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9. Smask. Sh... mask.
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10. Shmask. Mask, shmask.
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11. That's it. Mask, shmask.
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12. You've peed in your
last old man's kitchen.
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13. Nickman?
It's Hank.
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14. They called me because, apparently,
I'm your emergency contact person.
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15. I wanted someone who had nothing
to gain from my demise.
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16. Good. I'm glad you're awake.
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17. Mr. Gribble,
22 years of breathing in toxins...
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18. have eroded your sinuses
and coated your lungs...
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19. with a substance I
can't quite identify.
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20. I would like that substance back.
It belongs to me.
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21. Look, Dale, the doctor thinks
you should quit exterminating.
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22. - Your body can't handle any more poisons.
- Can, too.
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23. If you don't quit, you
won't live to 50.
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24. Of course, I'm rounding
that number up.
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25. Well, that was a waste of time.
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26. Don't tell Nancy what he said.
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27. She'd wanna listen to this clown.
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28. I already called her.
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29. She had to stop at home
to get your real IDs.
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30. That was a bad, bad move, Hank.
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31. She's here, too? That's it.
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32. Hank, you are hereby relieved
of your duties as my emergency person.
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33. Peggy. You're in.
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34. You will not regret it.
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35. Nancy, did you borrow
my rat-urine detector?
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36. I donated it to charity.
You're too sick to exterminate, sug'.
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37. I'll tell you what I told that doctor:
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38. "I'm not quitting, you
incompetent quack."
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39. I love exterminating.
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40. - More than you love me?
- No.
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41. Pretty close, though.
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42. Dale, you have a family who needs you.
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43. - And I need to work to support them.
- I support us.
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44. - But I contribute.
- You pay the cable bill.
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45. Come on, sug', if not for me,
then for Joseph.
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46. What about your dream to see your
son take his son to Roswell?
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47. That rang true.
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48. Well, if you need me, I'll be 8 feet
under in my metaphorical grave.
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49. The basement.
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50. Damn, I was good.
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51. Dad, I just came down to borrow
some roaches for my science project.
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52. Roaches have been on this earth
for 500 million years.
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53. You've been here, what? 13?
You're in over your head.
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54. What species are these?
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55. Madagascar hissing cockroaches.
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56. Well done.
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57. All right, here's what we'll do
for your science project.
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58. We will breed servant roaches.
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59. As long as we ensure that I'm the
first thing the roaches see...
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60. when they are born,
they will think I am their mother...
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61. and will therefore obey
my every command.
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62. My every command.
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63. Think we can train them to crawl
through a maze?
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64. We'll train them to do worse things
than that, Joseph.
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65. Oh, my Lord.
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66. Did it occur to either of you
to set the table for dinner?
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67. I guess we were distracted
by our afternoon...
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68. of monitoring roach excretia.
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69. That's how you spend your days?
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70. Who ate all the chopped meat?
That was dinner.
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71. The roaches.
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72. Excretia doesn't come from nowhere.
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73. Guess who I saw at the Mega Lo Mart?
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74. - Richie Sambora.
- No, you didn't.
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75. You weren't there.
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76. You know, Dale, we're all out here
to unwind from the work day.
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77. But the past few days,
you've, sort of, just been loitering.
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78. I've more pressures than any of you.
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79. You ever tried replacing
a cockroach's blood with root beer?
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80. - You know I haven't.
- Then don't judge me.
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81. Oh, my!
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82. All Dale does is eat, play with bugs,
and make prank phone calls.
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83. Do you know he called my office
three times today...
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84. trying to get me to change
my long-distance service?
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85. That was him?
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86. I'm tired of getting while-you-were-out
messages from the receptionist.
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87. "Husband called, still
waiting for sex."
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88. Now, come May, I expect a Mother's Day
gift from you roaches.
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89. Word to the wise:
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90. Something you make yourselves
means even more.
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91. Hey, Dale. How are things with Nancy?
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92. You know, you used to...
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93. brag about... stuff.
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94. I didn't mean to brag.
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95. It's just that we were having
spectacular sex.
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96. Yeah, but not so much lately, huh?
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97. Maybe it's something I ate.
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98. What's the opposite of oysters?
Apples?
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99. Look, maybe it has something to do
with you being out of work.
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100. I mean, would you want to
sleep with a bum?
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101. - No.
- That's right.
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102. See, there's nothing sexier than
a man with a nine-to-five job.
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103. Which is why I lined
up a new job for you.
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104. Remember my cousin, Rita?
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105. - The one with the underbite?
- Yeah.
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106. Well, she just quit her job
at that adhesives company...
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107. and she's putting in a good word
for you to replace her.
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108. Well, I hope she puts it in writing...
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109. because you can barely
understand her when she talks.
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110. - My man looks so handsome.
- I know.
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111. And I type 30 words per minute.
Can we make out?
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112. Well, look at you in your suit.
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113. It's Joseph's.
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114. You didn't have to drive me to work.
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115. I wasn't gonna play
hooky on my first day.
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116. Well, that's not what you told Bobby.
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117. Your boy's a liar and a blabbermouth.
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118. And, Dale, remember,
everyone likes a hard worker.
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119. Of course they do.
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120. They do all the work for them!
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121. Ass.
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122. Mr. Gribble, you're a minute late.
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123. No, my watch says 9:01.
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124. Oh, do you start at 9:00?
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125. Well, we're a team at Stik-Tek.
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126. And a team is only as strong
as its weakest player.
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127. That's you.
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128. We don't smoke here at Sfikifek.
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129. I understand.
You have to tell everyone that.
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130. We don't allow sunglasses
at Stik-Tek...
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131. unless you can prove
that you're blind.
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132. Certainly no caps, except yarmulkes
under 8 inches in diameter.
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133. The cap stays.
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134. Not at Stik-Tek.
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135. You're bald.
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136. And not in an attractive way,
like Sean Connery.
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137. Oh, well, rules are rules.
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138. Here's your cubicle.
This is where you sit and work.
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139. Welcome to Stik-Tek.
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140. My little working
man's up early today.
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141. They made me join a car pool...
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142. and it leaves early
because of all the stops.
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143. Well, maybe they can pick you up last.
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144. I tried that. Rodriguez is last.
Always has been.
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145. Dale, I know you're used to
being your own boss.
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146. But you've got to learn
how to work with humans.
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147. Humans?
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148. They won't even let me eat lunch
until 1:00.
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149. You know I like nine small meals
throughout the day.
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150. Not ready!
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151. Check this out.
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152. Something's going on between
Frank and Linda.
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153. I heard from that guy in Accounts Payable,
the one with the vintage glasses...
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154. that they were at Bennigan's
sharing mozzarella sticks.
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155. Enjoy the end of
The Today Show, Rodriguez?
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156. Not as much as the beginning of Regis.
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157. Hey, did you guys hear
about Frank and Linda?
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158. Invoice 134772. Amount $3.88.
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159. Check number 8429, cleared.
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160. Invoice number 134773.
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161. Amount $17.47.
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162. Check number 3524, cleared.
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163. Oh, God.
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164. Invoice 134774. Amount $6.19.
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165. Mr. Gribble, what did I tell you?
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166. - No hats of any kind at Stik-Tek.
- Thank you.
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167. One more slip-up and you lose
your privileges...
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168. to dress casual on casual Fridays.
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169. - Are we clear?
- Clear.
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170. Can I go to lunch now?
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171. I moved your lunch to 4:00.
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172. I need you to fill in for the
receptionist. She's eating lunch.
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173. I don't know if I can wait
for Dale any longer.
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174. - I'm getting awfully chilly.
- Up yours, Rodriguez.
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175. Hey, Dale, what's new
in the world of adhesives?
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176. Well, we were each issued
two Stik-Tek brand stick-it pads.
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177. Well, this is great. We're getting
the inside scoop here, fellas.
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178. I should tell you about
Special Project F...
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179. adhesive strips for envelopes that
come in all different flavors.
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180. Mango, peach, lime, cherry...
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181. and maybe piña colada.
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182. Speaking purely as a consumer...
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183. I can't wait for that product
to hit the stores.
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184. - How about you, Boomhauer?
- Dang old...
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185. What?
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186. Yeah, man. You know...
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187. Dad, since you're spending
so much time at work...
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188. we'd better leave the roach tank
in your office.
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189. That way you'll still be the first
thing they see when they hatch.
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190. - And they'll think—
- Up yours, Joseph!
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191. - Dale.
- I'm sorry, son.
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192. That's the coffee talking,
and the fluorescent lighting.
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193. And the excruciating headache.
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194. Make some time for the roaches, sug'.
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195. We'd all love to make
time for roaches.
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196. But in the real world, people have to
spend all night reconciling invoices...
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197. or Miss Pitman won't let them wear
chinos and a knit shirt next Friday!
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198. Dale, what are you doing to
the Bug-a-Bago?
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199. My turn to drive the car pool...
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200. and the underground
garage clearance is only 7 feet.
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201. Why don't you just
take off her antennas?
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202. Why don't you just
take off Bobby's head?
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203. I can't fire Bert.
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204. He and I started at Stik-Tek
at the same time...
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205. 19 years ago.
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206. Well, I can't fire him.
We were married briefly in the '80s.
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207. Part of me still loves him.
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208. Whine, whine, whine.
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209. When I was an exterminator,
I killed living "isms."
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210. What's the big whoop
about firing someone?
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211. Mr. Gribble, you don't know
Bert Halverstrom, do you?
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212. Met him once. Didn't
care for him much.
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213. Well, since you're about
the only one here...
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214. who has no personal attachment to
Bert, maybe you could do me a favor—
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215. Fire him?
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216. Throw in a container of milk
and we have ourselves a deal.
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217. Good-looking kids for two ugly people.
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218. I was expecting Miss Pitman. Amy.
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219. Yeah, she asked me to
talk to you instead.
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220. Aren't you the receptionist?
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221. When Judy eats lunch.
But that's not important.
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222. What is important is
that you've got 30 seconds...
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223. to tell me why you
should keep your job.
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224. Well, l...
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225. Yeah, that's not going to fly.
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226. Sorry, Halverstrom. You're fired.
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227. Bert, I just heard. I'm so sorry.
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228. That was very decisive.
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229. Listen, there's someone
else I need to fire.
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230. This person I hate so much,
I can't even look at him.
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231. You know the price.
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232. - It's all over, Gladstone.
- Excuse me?
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233. Pack your stuff and get out
by the end of the day.
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234. I can see why you don't like him.
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235. What about my health insurance?
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236. - Miss Pitman?
- I fought for you, Sal. Honestly.
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237. Anyone else? I'm still thirsty.
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238. Mr. Gribble, how would you like to
make this your permanent job?
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239. Firing Gladstone? Sure. Gladstone!
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240. No.
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241. Look, nobody knows this...
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242. but Dallas is downsizing
the flavored adhesive division.
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243. Piña colada was killing lab monkeys
left and right.
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244. What a day.
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245. Car pool had to stop at the store.
Rodriguez needed a comb.
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246. Oh, yeah.
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247. They made me Assistant Vice President
of Human Resources.
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248. My husband is an assistant
vice president?
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249. I am so proud of you.
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250. What're you doing?
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251. I heard Mitch got eighty-sixed, too.
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252. Yeah, at his own damn birthday party.
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253. Gribble walked in, blew out the candles,
told him to leave the cake and get out.
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254. All of these plants are real...
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255. and give off oxygen
which I use throughout the day.
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256. By my count, that's six outlets, Dale,
all of them grounded.
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257. Here's a photo of me for your
new, big, fancy desk.
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258. We could move it
if we ever wanted to... you know.
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259. Have sex on the desk? Sure.
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260. We could even move the roaches.
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261. I'll just have to find a new place...
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262. to keep my keys
to the executive washroom.
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263. - Who has to make?
- Why, I could go.
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264. You're not an executive.
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265. Hold it in until we get
to the restaurant.
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266. How could I have forgotten?
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267. - Lewis, could you come in here for a sec?
- Yes, Mr. Gribble.
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268. Lewis, now, you've been with Stik-Tek
for how long?
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269. - It'll be 14 years next week.
- No, it won't.
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270. You're fired.
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271. - Fired? But—
- Yeah, listen.
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272. I'm hungry, she has to pee,
and he has to get back to work...
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273. or he'll end up in the
same boat as you.
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274. But I've got four children.
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275. I had someone earlier
today with eight.
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276. Heck, I once killed a beetle
with 30 million in her egg sac.
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277. Well, who wants steak?
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278. Sh-sh-shah to you!
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279. That guy you fired today,
the way he was crying...
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280. I said sh-sh-shah.
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281. I just can't get that image
out of my head.
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282. Then let me replace
it with this image.
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283. - Sorry, sug'. I just don't feel like it.
- Maybe this'll help.
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284. Rodriguez, if you ever
want your kids...
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285. to see you lose another sack race
at the company picnic...
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286. I suggest you get your butt
in the back seat.
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287. Excuse me.
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288. Thought so.
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289. Carl...
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290. as a janitor, what would you do...
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291. with unlimited free
time and no income?
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292. - Sug'?
- Busy, Nancy.
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293. Joseph, also busy.
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294. But, Dad, my science project's
due tomorrow.
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295. I need my roaches.
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296. They should've hatched by now.
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297. They're in the bottom drawer of my
desk next to Carl's severance check.
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298. Now, if you'll excuse us—
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299. They've escaped. We gotta find them.
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300. You people with your roaches.
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301. I'm trying to fire this
incompetent fool with compassion.
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302. But, Dad!
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303. You keep this up, Joseph,
you're fired from this family.
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304. - Dale.
- You're next, blondie.
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305. Carl, I'm off to round
up some roaches.
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306. Any one of which would have made
a better janitor than you.
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307. People, we have a small
insect situation.
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308. Please remain... Veronica,
you're fired...
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309. calm and enjoy your lunch.
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310. Look out!
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311. Remain calm, everyone.
I am their mother.
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312. Line up single file and
get back in the tank.
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313. They're not recognizing me
as their maternal influence.
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314. The project has gone horribly awry.
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315. Quick, Joseph, get
me some real poison.
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316. But, Dad, you're not supposed
to inhale any more poison.
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317. Damn it, why are there so many ways
to kill people...
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318. but only one way to kill bugs?
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319. Hold that thought.
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320. Turbine!
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321. Sh-sh-sha!
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322. The roaches are dead.
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323. Please return to your lunch.
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324. Enjoy.
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325. Wow.
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326. You killed them all.
And you didn't even use poison.
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327. Yeah, I did. And I didn't, did I?
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328. I don't need that toxic crutch.
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329. All I need is Dale Gribble,
the exterminator.
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330. Pitman, firing people can give you
a pretty good buzz...
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331. but it's a poor, poor
substitute for killing.
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332. - I realize that now.
- Dale, please.
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333. You were the best human resources
manager Stik-Tek ever had.
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334. And I'm going all the way back to
when we were Stik Co.
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335. Sorry, Miss Pitman,
I've got some love to give.
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336. And some love to make.
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337. Mr. Gribble.
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338. Good news, Joseph.
You can have your suit back.
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339. Maybe this 'II help.
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