1. ? [rock 'n' roll
music playing]Copy !req
2. good morning, class.Copy !req
3. I will be subbing
for Mrs. Dorland,Copy !req
4. who is at home
recuperating
from the hanta virus.Copy !req
5. what's the hanta virus?Copy !req
6. Well, clark,
it's a flu-like disease,Copy !req
7. usually contracted
from rodent droppings.Copy !req
8. Ok! All right, then.Copy !req
9. Now, in preparation
for our field trip,Copy !req
10. your classmates
are going to act outCopy !req
11. a little-known episode
of mexican-american history.Copy !req
12. The year is 1847.Copy !req
13. I am gen. Santa anna.Copy !req
14. I led the mexican army
at the alamo,Copy !req
15. where we defeated texas.Copy !req
16. we are at the battle
of cerro gordo,Copy !req
17. 11 years later,
and we are hungry.Copy !req
18. Sir, I will hold
your artificial leg
while you eat chicken.Copy !req
19. attack.Copy !req
20. Look out!Copy !req
21. It's the illinois
volunteer infantry.Copy !req
22. Hop on, general!Copy !req
23. I stole your fake leg.Copy !req
24. ah, well, that was beautiful!
That was just inspired!Copy !req
25. The general's artificial leg
has been on displayCopy !req
26. in an illinois museum
for over a century.Copy !req
27. But this year,Copy !req
28. america decided
to return it to mexico.Copy !req
29. Even as we speak,Copy !req
30. santa anna's
real fake legCopy !req
31. is making its way
from museum to museum,Copy !req
32. on its journey home.Copy !req
33. I guess, you could sayCopy !req
34. the arlen museum
is the "last leg" of the tour.Copy !req
35. oh, oh, peggy.Copy !req
36. Yeah, see, that was—
That was 1976.Copy !req
37. In 1977,
I did wear shoes.Copy !req
38. boy, that car'
s goin' fast!Copy !req
39. Doesn't he know
men drink in this alley?Copy !req
40. That looks like your dad's
cadillac car, hank.Copy !req
41. Yeah, man, that looks like
dang ol'-- better hit
the dirt, man!Copy !req
42. uh...Copy !req
43. Thanks, fatty.
Don't mind if I do!Copy !req
44. jeez, dad, you almost
dented the cooler!Copy !req
45. Where's didi?Copy !req
46. I thought with your eyesight,
she was doin' all the drivin'.Copy !req
47. Well, we had another fight
I threw her out.Copy !req
48. Didi, woman, my toes are cold.
Knit me a blanket!Copy !req
49. I don't have time, honey.
I'm late for work.Copy !req
50. that's a good one,
babycakes.Copy !req
51. Now, get your
knittin' sticks.Copy !req
52. You're gonna have to wear
your socks, colonel.Copy !req
53. Yeah, so I put her
on the street.Copy !req
54. Good for you, sir.Copy !req
55. I admire the speed
with which you dispatched
the insubordinate.Copy !req
56. Shut your clam hole,
gribble.Copy !req
57. e
So, I gues
s you're herCopy !req
58. to cool off
for a few daysCopy !req
59. till you two
can patch things up?Copy !req
60. No, this one's
for good.Copy !req
61. I'm here to renew
my driver's license.Copy !req
62. Got the eye chart memorize
d down at the arlen d.m.v.Copy !req
63. They ain't changed it
since world war ii.Copy !req
64. Uh, that's
the big one, fatty.Copy !req
65. ,
Uh, dad, about you drivin'Copy !req
66. I'm not sure
it's such a good idea.Copy !req
67. Excuse me, hank,Copy !req
68. I think a man
who gave his shinsCopy !req
69. to win the 2nd world warCopy !req
70. has earned the right
to drive an automobile.Copy !req
71. hank, bobby and me
are gonna rent an r.v.
This summer,Copy !req
72. and drive around
the country.Copy !req
73. We'll do 50 states
in 50 days!Copy !req
74. You know, cotton,
you can travelCopy !req
75. anywhere in the world,
in books.Copy !req
76. ah, dad, you don't want
to be drivin'Copy !req
77. on a crowded highway
in the summertime.Copy !req
78. I don't know.Copy !req
79. There's nothing like
the feel of the open road.Copy !req
80. ,
Oh, you know,
grandpa hill, with an r.v.Copy !req
81. You can put it
on cruise controlCopy !req
82. and then go in the bac
k and watch t.v.Copy !req
83. luanne, please!Copy !req
84. Dad, with all due respect,Copy !req
85. I don't think
you should be drivin' anymore.Copy !req
86. Don't you tell me
what to do!Copy !req
87. You ain't my daddy!
I'm your daddy!Copy !req
88. I won the war!
I can drive a car!Copy !req
89. Even your idiot friend
, gribble, knows that!Copy !req
90. Oh, dad, dale's
just kissin' up to you.Copy !req
91. And so should you, boy!Copy !req
92. Uh, hank,
that reminds me.Copy !req
93. Uh, we need some chaperone
s for bobby's class trip.Copy !req
94. What kind of trip
you takin' bobby? Vegas?Copy !req
95. There's a gen. Santa anna
exhibit at the museum.Copy !req
96. We did a play
about him in school,Copy !req
97. and I was one
of his privates.Copy !req
98. Yeah, yeah, I know
all about santie annieCopy !req
99. we got his walkin' log
under glass in illinois,Copy !req
100. I'm glad to say.Copy !req
101. Actually, cotton, the leg
is coming through arlen.Copy !req
102. America is finally returning
the leg to mexico.Copy !req
103. What? God!Copy !req
104. Uh, take it easy, dad.Copy !req
105. Take it easy.Copy !req
106. You see, bobby,Copy !req
107. your daddy's gene'ation's
givin' awayCopy !req
108. everythin' we fought for.Copy !req
109. Panama canal, mexican legs.Copy !req
110. You people'd give back
gandhi's diapersCopy !req
111. if you had 'em.Copy !req
112. would you look at that line?
We'll be here all day!Copy !req
113. Oh, for god—Copy !req
114. Hank, I gutted a man,
he whined less than you.Copy !req
115. Why don't you guys
get started?Copy !req
116. I'll be there
in a minute.Copy !req
117. All right, clerkie.Copy !req
118. Now, take down
the first letter
of every word I say.Copy !req
119. "someCopy !req
120. "day,Copy !req
121. governor reagan
will run for president."Copy !req
122. I pass. Give me
the license.Copy !req
123. Wow! I've never seen anyon
e Miss every single letter.Copy !req
124. Y-you fail.Copy !req
125. What? Look at it again!Copy !req
126. "some day." that's "s,"d,"Copy !req
127. as in "stupid dummy."
That's you!
Tell him, hank!Copy !req
128. This is an outrage!Copy !req
129. We are very
dissatisfied customers.Copy !req
130. C'mon dad, let's go.Copy !req
131. so, you had the clerk
switch the eye chart.Copy !req
132. That's a good plan, if...Copy !req
133. You silence the clerk.Copy !req
134. Well, it was
one of the toughest thingsCopy !req
135. I ever had to do,
I tell you what.Copy !req
136. But my dad's getting close
to the end zone now.Copy !req
137. I gotta start calling
some of his plays.Copy !req
138. Yeah, I know
what you mean.Copy !req
139. My dad can't even load
his own hunting rifle anymore.Copy !req
140. I mean, I gotta put it
in his hands,Copy !req
141. practically pull
the dang trigger for him.Copy !req
142. Sad, very sad.Copy !req
143. The d.m.v. Changed
the damn chart on me,
that's what they did.Copy !req
144. Tell you what, man!
That dang ol' d.m.v.,
man take my pictureCopy !req
145. that ol' hair hooter
that day, man.Copy !req
146. 4 dang ol' years ago,Copy !req
147. looking like
cokie roberts, man.Copy !req
148. There are ways to get around
the license problem, sir.Copy !req
149. Dale, this doesn't
concern you.Copy !req
150. For example,
put a sail on your car,Copy !req
151. call it a boat.Copy !req
152. Hear that, hank?
Gribble's got a clever idea.Copy !req
153. Go get me a sail!Copy !req
154. It's a stupid idea, dad.Copy !req
155. Well, excuse me, hank,Copy !req
156. I guess I'm not
as clever as you are.Copy !req
157. I mean, I could never
think of a clever ideaCopy !req
158. like switching
the eye chart,Copy !req
159. so your dad
would fail that test.Copy !req
160. Jeez!Copy !req
161. Dang it, dale!Copy !req
162. ah!Copy !req
163. Looks like we got ourselves
a benedict arlen!Copy !req
164. What do you got to say
for yourself, boy?Copy !req
165. L-look, dad,
I did change that chart.Copy !req
166. I did it because I car
e about you.Copy !req
167. You should
not be drivin'Copy !req
168. but he's a war hero, hank.
A world war hero!Copy !req
169. You should let him
do whatever he wants.Copy !req
170. Shut up, dale!
I know what's best for my dad.Copy !req
171. If you knew
what's best for me,Copy !req
172. you'd have drowned yourself
2 days after you was born!Copy !req
173. Goodbye, hank.
I'm leaving!Copy !req
174. !
gribble, good newsCopy !req
175. I'm stayin' with you
from now on!Copy !req
176. You hear that, hank?Copy !req
177. Daddy's stayin' with me.Copy !req
178. did you sleep ok,
mr. Hill?Copy !req
179. Yup, yup, just fine.Copy !req
180. see, nancy?Copy !req
181. And you wanted to give awa
y Joseph's crib.Copy !req
182. There you go, sir.Copy !req
183. One perfectly forged
driver's license.Copy !req
184. Good until the year 3000.Copy !req
185. Good boy!
Here's a dollar.Copy !req
186. hmm!Copy !req
187. Oh, hey, dad?Copy !req
188. I need you to sign
my permission slipCopy !req
189. for that santa anna exhibit.Copy !req
190. Joseph, you know
I do not sign any documentCopy !req
191. issued by
a government institution.Copy !req
192. hey, hank.Copy !req
193. come on, Joseph,
our ride's here.Copy !req
194. ?Copy !req
195. hey, tokyo rose!
How does your garden grow?Copy !req
196. Don't start
with me, dale.Copy !req
197. All right, dad,
you made your point.Copy !req
198. Now, come on back,
and we'll talk about this.Copy !req
199. I got a whole box
of mega lo plates
you can break.Copy !req
200. I'd rather break
gribble's plates,
thank you very much.Copy !req
201. No, thank you
very much, sirCopy !req
202. I'm done.Copy !req
203. I'm goin' down
to the drugstore
to pick up my shin salve.Copy !req
204. All right, well,
let me drive you and—Copy !req
205. I don't need you.Copy !req
206. Gribble made me
a license.Copy !req
207. I've never seen
a meter maid take so long
to write a ticket.Copy !req
208. All right, sirCopy !req
209. please step ou
t of the vehicleCopy !req
210. whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
211. You wanna
frisk me, cagney?Copy !req
212. Go ahead,
and then I can do you.Copy !req
213. And when I asked
for his license,Copy !req
214. he gave me this.Copy !req
215. Yeah, I know
it's expired.Copy !req
216. I'm real sorry about that.
He shouldn't be drivin'.Copy !req
217. Expired? It's not
even real.Copy !req
218. Made out of the back
of a cereal box.Copy !req
219. Well, you're lucky.Copy !req
220. In the most severe cases
of senile dementia,Copy !req
221. they can't remember
their sons' names.Copy !req
222. What? He's not senile.
My dad's just a character.Copy !req
223. You know, like a cowboy.Copy !req
224. dad, knock it off.
Come on!Copy !req
225. All right, gen. Mills.Copy !req
226. Now, I'm letting your son
take care o' you.Copy !req
227. You have to promise
to be a good boy.Copy !req
228. Do you recognize
your son?Copy !req
229. Yeah. He's benedict arlen.Copy !req
230. The point is, dad,
you've got to calm down.Copy !req
231. You're lucky
you're not in jailCopy !req
232. don't you take
that tone with me!Copy !req
233. I was out buying
shin jelly.Copy !req
234. You show some respect!Copy !req
235. Oh, ok, ok, let's talk
about it over dinner,
what do you say?Copy !req
236. Go get your bags
and we'll head on homeCopy !req
237. oh, sure,
I'll be right there.Copy !req
238. oh!Copy !req
239. uh, hey, didi.Copy !req
240. Hank.Copy !req
241. Listen, I'm here to ask you
for a big favor.Copy !req
242. You and my dad
gotta patch things upCopy !req
243. quicker than usual
this time.Copy !req
244. I'm having trouble
keeping him under control.Copy !req
245. Oh, there's no patching
things up this time, hank.Copy !req
246. The passion is gone.Copy !req
247. there was magic between us
when we first met.Copy !req
248. Yeah, I come in here
once a yearCopy !req
249. to get my shins drained.Copy !req
250. I don't take
no anesthetic.Copy !req
251. Did lincoln ask for girlie-gas
when they blowed his head off?Copy !req
252. Magazines? Candy?
Fruit roll-ups?Copy !req
253. Oh, look at you!Copy !req
254. Aren't you the cutest
little helpless thing?Copy !req
255. Oh, you're like
a little baby in that gownCopy !req
256. !
ooh, coochie, coochie, cooCopy !req
257. oops!Copy !req
258. ? With anyone else but me?Copy !req
259. Oh, sweet lord!Copy !req
260. Cling peaches
in heavy syrup!Copy !req
261. it was like romeo and...Copy !req
262. Um, julietCopy !req
263. but now the magic's gone.Copy !req
264. Cotton said my bottom
was too small.Copy !req
265. ?
Do you think
it's too smallCopy !req
266. ahhh!Copy !req
267. No. Put that away!Copy !req
268. It's—it's fine.
It's very, uh, big.Copy !req
269. Look, hank. Isotoner makes
sundresses now.Copy !req
270. Uh-oh!Copy !req
271. She is not gonna
take him back, is she?Copy !req
272. Nope. I'm gonna have
to watch him like a hawk.Copy !req
273. Uh, cigar, hank?Copy !req
274. No, thanksCopy !req
275. good, 'cause,
they all been smoked.Copy !req
276. yeah, you got me
on that one. Heh-heh.Copy !req
277. anyway, the reason I'm here is
to ask you to be a chaperoneCopy !req
278. on bobby's
museum trip tomorrow.Copy !req
279. I'm gonna be one.Copy !req
280. Daddy can't go.
He's taking me bumper bowling.Copy !req
281. Will you stop
calling him "daddy"!Copy !req
282. well, I've been helping you
out of jams your whole life,Copy !req
283. might as well keep
the streak alive. I'll do it!Copy !req
284. We'll do it.Copy !req
285. And then you killed
the german corporal?Copy !req
286. This is world war ii,
connie-girl.Copy !req
287. He was a nazi.Copy !req
288. Yeah, I severe
d his windpipeCopy !req
289. with a 2-foot strand
of dental floss
I kept in my boot.Copy !req
290. And that's why
it's always importantCopy !req
291. to carry dental floss.Copy !req
292. ok, tom landry
middle school.Copy !req
293. Next stop is
the featured exhibit,Copy !req
294. gen. Santie annie's
artificial leg.Copy !req
295. what a beautiful
prosthetic!Copy !req
296. Those t-shirts
do not do it justice.Copy !req
297. After its brief stay here,Copy !req
298. gen. Santie annie's
leg will be returnedCopy !req
299. to its rightful owner,
mexico.Copy !req
300. Rightful? Finders keepers!Copy !req
301. Dad, now, take it easyCopy !req
302. relax.Copy !req
303. ,
Along with the legCopy !req
304. mexico will receiv
e a checkCopy !req
305. for the original cost
of the leg.Copy !req
306. $1,300 u.s., and a letter
of apologyCopy !req
307. signed by
our commander in chiefCopy !req
308. aw, that draft dodger!
He can't do that!Copy !req
309. The japanese blew
my shins off!Copy !req
310. When am I gonna
get them back?Copy !req
311. Hank, chaperone,
chaperone your father.Copy !req
312. !
Dad, I'm not gonna
tell you again. Zip itCopy !req
313. let's settle, people, ok.Copy !req
314. all right. Stop the bus!Copy !req
315. It's been stolen!Copy !req
316. One of these hoodlums
stole santie annie's leg.Copy !req
317. Oh! All right, kids.
Listen up.Copy !req
318. I'm gonna close my eyes,
and when I open them,Copy !req
319. I wanna see that leg!
You understand?Copy !req
320. all right, dad. I'm fed up
Now, where is the leg?Copy !req
321. Well, I don't know
if I can speak to that!Copy !req
322. I was told to "zip it!"Copy !req
323. the whole country
of mexicoCopy !req
324. is expecting to get
their leg back on saturdayCopy !req
325. delightful!Copy !req
326. That leg means
a lot to them,Copy !req
327. and my driver's license
means a lot to me.Copy !req
328. ?
What does the leg have to do
with your driver's licenseCopy !req
329. use your head, boy!Copy !req
330. The mexicans have diplomats.
They'll pull some strings,Copy !req
331. get me my license,
then I'll give them back
their leg.Copy !req
332. Dad, the police
are gonna come after you.Copy !req
333. That's my offer,
take it back to your people.Copy !req
334. ah!Copy !req
335. they never look
in the most obvious place.Copy !req
336. Colonel, shall we retire
to the "leg" room?Copy !req
337. maybe that policewoman
was right.Copy !req
338. I've never seen da
d like this before.Copy !req
339. He's not his crazy
old self anymore.Copy !req
340. He's acting, uh, crazy!Copy !req
341. Well, stick a pin in me,
I'm dreaming.Copy !req
342. I have been saying that to you
for 22 years!Copy !req
343. Aunt peg, uncle hank,
I just heard on the news.Copy !req
344. There's a santa claus exhibit
at the museumCopy !req
345. and someone stole
his leg!Copy !req
346. oh!Copy !req
347. Colonel, I just want to sa
y it's been an honorCopy !req
348. fighting with you
against hank and his forces.Copy !req
349. You can rest assured,
I am with you all the way.Copy !req
350. You got any of them
little goldfish crackers?Copy !req
351. he did it!
He took the leg!Copy !req
352. It was his idea!
You can have it back!Copy !req
353. Oh, no, it's gone!Copy !req
354. Where'd you put it,
you shinless old freak?Copy !req
355. What did you...Copy !req
356. You're a worse traitor
than hank.Copy !req
357. I know how to deal
with traitors.Copy !req
358. sir, you're gonna want
to give me that leg right now,Copy !req
359. before you get in
any more trouble.Copy !req
360. I need that leg
for leverageCopy !req
361. in my negotiations
with the mexican government!Copy !req
362. They took my shinsCopy !req
363. and put them on display
in the emperor's pagoda!Copy !req
364. That's the thanks I get
for flossing them nazis?Copy !req
365. You tell the meter maid,
I want my car back!Copy !req
366. I can drive myself.
They just changed the chart!Copy !req
367. "some day governor reagan
will run for president!"Copy !req
368. and we felt
the psychological evaluationCopy !req
369. had come to an end
after he claimedCopy !req
370. doctor miyoshi's stethoscope
as a war trophy.Copy !req
371. Well, what are you
gonna do?Copy !req
372. Just keep him here forever?Copy !req
373. Well, that's up to youCopy !req
374. it's my opinion that
he requires supervision.Copy !req
375. Either he stays here,Copy !req
376. or you and your wife need
to watch him 24 hours a day.Copy !req
377. hmm.Copy !req
378. hey, dad!
How do you like it here?Copy !req
379. Find someplace
else to stand, fatty!Copy !req
380. Oh, see, you know his name.
He's already made a friend.Copy !req
381. See, he knows his name.Copy !req
382. Look, peggy,
board games!Copy !req
383. oh!Copy !req
384. Checkers.
I love checkers.Copy !req
385. Dominoes. Chutes
and ladders.Copy !req
386. chutes and laddersCopy !req
387. why, if I didn't have to work
every day, I'd come here.Copy !req
388. uh, dad, I know a lot
has happenedCopy !req
389. in the last day or so,Copy !req
390. but I need to know
where that leg is.Copy !req
391. If I give the leg back,
can I get out of here?Copy !req
392. We'll see.
It's not up to me.Copy !req
393. all right. It's in
gribble's golf bag.Copy !req
394. I drew a "1" on it,
and signed it "lee trevino."Copy !req
395. All right, then.
Dale's golf bag.Copy !req
396. Take it easy, dad.Copy !req
397. Uh, don't forget
about your old manCopy !req
398. ?
you'll come back
for me, right, boyCopy !req
399. ]
[chucklingCopy !req
400. well, it's not so bad
in there, really.Copy !req
401. Oh, peggy, come on
That was awful.Copy !req
402. My father hates it
in there.Copy !req
403. but it's not like I can
watch him 24 hours a day.Copy !req
404. Oh, no, you cannot.Copy !req
405. Just wouldn't be fair
to you, or me, or bobby.Copy !req
406. Maybe we're being
too picky about this v.a.Copy !req
407. You know, consumer reports
gave it a "b"-minus.Copy !req
408. Well, that's
above average.Copy !req
409. Hank, how are you
gonna break it to him?Copy !req
410. so, uh...Copy !req
411. Am I gonna live
with you and hank's wife?Copy !req
412. no.Copy !req
413. but I told you
where the leg was!Copy !req
414. I know, and I gave it
to the police.Copy !req
415. Look, dad, I can't take care
of you all day long,Copy !req
416. and you wouldn't
really want it that way.Copy !req
417. So, there's only
one other option.Copy !req
418. Didi! What's she
doing here?Copy !req
419. I told you
it was over, woman!Copy !req
420. I told him
the same thing.Copy !req
421. But he said I have
to sign something
to get the cadillac car.Copy !req
422. ? Don't sit under
the apple tree?Copy !req
423. oh!Copy !req
424. ? With anyone else
but me?Copy !req
425. They've got you
in a baby gown.Copy !req
426. Oh, look at the baby!Copy !req
427. !
oh, stop! StopCopy !req
428. I'll get thoseCopy !req
429. oh, honey, I'm sorryCopy !req
430. I said your butt
was too small.Copy !req
431. If anything,
it's too big!Copy !req
432. But I likes you
for who you is.Copy !req
433. Come on, little baby boy,
I'll drive you home.Copy !req
434. That is retired
capt. Barissimo de fino.Copy !req
435. When he straps on
santa anna's leg,Copy !req
436. and walks it
from our flag to his,Copy !req
437. it will be officially returned
to the mexican peoples.Copy !req
438. well, the important thing is
they got it back.Copy !req
439. !
Hey, wait a minuteCopy !req
440. that's the leg I made
for the play.Copy !req
441. ooh!Copy !req
442. Here you are, senor.
One driver's license.Copy !req
443. Thank you!
And here you are.Copy !req
444. One santie annie's legCopy !req
445. the story you've just seen
is based on a true event.Copy !req
446. At the battle
of cerro gordo in 1847,Copy !req
447. the illinois
volunteer infantry
captured the artificial legCopy !req
448. of mexican gen. Antonio lopez
de santa anna,Copy !req
449. while the general and his men
feasted on a lunch
of roasted chicken.Copy !req
450. Unfortunately,
santa anna's legCopy !req
451. still resides in
an illinois museum.Copy !req
452. If you would like
to join the movementCopy !req
453. to help return
the leg to the mexican people,Copy !req
454. write illinois senator
richard j. Durbin.Copy !req
455. Thank you, and good night.Copy !req
456. that's a good one, babycakes!Copy !req