1. [Balloon whistling]Copy !req
2. [Balloon sputtering]Copy !req
3. Hey, my dad's invitation to the party
got returned.Copy !req
4. "Grandpa Cotton Hill, Hell, USA?"Copy !req
5. Bobby, why did you write this?
You know your grandpa lives in Houston.Copy !req
6. Mom says he's the devil.Copy !req
7. Peggy, how can you tell Bobby that?Copy !req
8. I said "evil," Hank.Copy !req
9. How you get "devil"
from that is beyond me.Copy !req
10. I don't want Grandpa at my party.Copy !req
11. The kids are already gonna hate me
because you got the wrong bean dip.Copy !req
12. What's wrong with the bean dip?Copy !req
13. Wait. What's wrong with your grandpa?Copy !req
14. He's got big plastic teeth,
he screams all the time...Copy !req
15. his legs don't work.Copy !req
16. Bobby, never make fun
of your grandpa's legs.Copy !req
17. He lost his shins defending Texas
in World War II.Copy !req
18. Now, son, pick up that phone and invite
your granddad to your birthday party.Copy !req
19. Okay.Copy !req
20. BOBBY: Hi, Grandpa.Copy !req
21. Bobby, if you're gonna fake dial...Copy !req
22. you gotta hit more than three numbers.Copy !req
23. [Theme music]Copy !req
24. [Bill hollering]Copy !req
25. This thing is a hoot.Copy !req
26. I got a splinter here.Copy !req
27. "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?"Copy !req
28. Huh? Huh?Copy !req
29. This party's boring.Copy !req
30. Everybody hates you.Copy !req
31. Why you so pissed off for, Peggy Hill?Copy !req
32. Oh, nothing. Just Hank's father.
He's driving in for the party.Copy !req
33. Oh, Lord, that crazy Cotton Hill.Copy !req
34. I heard, after Hank's mother left Cotton...Copy !req
35. he married his 16-year-old nurse.Copy !req
36. Dee Dee is 39, thank you very much.Copy !req
37. Although parts of her are much younger.Copy !req
38. Peggy Hill!Copy !req
39. [Growling]Copy !req
40. BOBBY: Dad, I'm dying out there.Copy !req
41. I blew up a balloon with my nose. Nothing.Copy !req
42. I did this thing.Copy !req
43. [Yiddish accent]
What are you talking about?Copy !req
44. Nothing.Copy !req
45. Did you try burping the alphabet?Copy !req
46. BOBBY: That's my closer, Dad.Copy !req
47. Man, "What are you talking about?
What are you talking about?"Copy !req
48. Fat kids are always the funny ones.Copy !req
49. Dang old John Candy, John Belushi,
night before they dug their graves.Copy !req
50. - Who wants a burger?
- Why, I'll take that steak.Copy !req
51. The hell you say?
Did you win World War II?Copy !req
52. - This rib eye is for my daddy.
- Cotton's coming?Copy !req
53. If I was you, Kahn,
I'd amscray before he gets here.Copy !req
54. Yeah, if he finds out you're from Japan,
you know...Copy !req
55. How many times I tell you, stupid?Copy !req
56. I'm Laotian!Copy !req
57. [Burping] U.Copy !req
58. [Burping] V.Copy !req
59. [Horn honking]Copy !req
60. [Cotton hollering]Copy !req
61. Happy birthday, Bobby!Copy !req
62. Dad, you crazy son of a gun.Copy !req
63. You really outdid yourself this time.Copy !req
64. Well, you know me. I'm larger than life.Copy !req
65. Where are its legs?Copy !req
66. What are you looking at, Moe?Copy !req
67. A Japanese machine gun
blew my shins off in WW II.Copy !req
68. So what?Copy !req
69. - You like that horse, Bobby?
- I love it, Grandpa.Copy !req
70. Well, you can love it for four more hours.
It's a rental.Copy !req
71. All right. Who wants the first ride?Copy !req
72. BILL: Me!Copy !req
73. Hey, Hank's wife.Copy !req
74. How long have you been here, Cotton?
I didn't notice you...Copy !req
75. Dee Dee, come on out here,
and gab with Hank's wife.Copy !req
76. Look here, Hank.Copy !req
77. What you think of your mama's
new ta-tas?Copy !req
78. She is not my mother.
Hell, we went to kindergarten together.Copy !req
79. Hey, Hank...Copy !req
80. do you still like...Copy !req
81. finger-painting?Copy !req
82. Everyone thinks your party's cool, Bobby.Copy !req
83. I'm having fun!Copy !req
84. Your wife divorced you.Copy !req
85. COTTON: Mr. Kahn, I'll have a mai tai.Copy !req
86. What you think? I work for Hank?Copy !req
87. Dad, this here's my new neighbor.Copy !req
88. He's Japanese.Copy !req
89. No, he ain't!Copy !req
90. He's Laotian. Ain't you, Mr. Kahn?Copy !req
91. All right. Time to open my gift.Copy !req
92. A Super Squirter!Copy !req
93. Super Squirter!Copy !req
94. It ain't no water toy, Mr. Kahn!Copy !req
95. It's a genuine Winchester
20-gauge shotgun!Copy !req
96. You got a real gun.Copy !req
97. No, and now Peggy Hill has a real gun.Copy !req
98. Bobby, you are too young
to own a firearm.Copy !req
99. Did you see that, Hank?
Tell your woman to give him back his gun!Copy !req
100. PEGGY: His woman?Copy !req
101. Oh, Cotton, I am my own woman.
And don't you forget it.Copy !req
102. Peg, that's just cowboy talk. Come on.Copy !req
103. Hey, let's go bust open that pinata!Copy !req
104. COTTON: Kill it, boy.Copy !req
105. Bash it! Bash it!Copy !req
106. COTTON: That's it!
PEGGY: Come on, Bobby.Copy !req
107. Hank, the boy can barely reach it.
Lower the pinata so he has a chance at it.Copy !req
108. Come on.Copy !req
109. COTTON: Oh! Crack it! Nail it!Copy !req
110. COTTON: Bash it! Bash it!Copy !req
111. COTTON: Kill it, boy!Copy !req
112. It must be made of kryptonite
or something.Copy !req
113. For crying out loud!Copy !req
114. Good Lord, Cotton.
You gave him a loaded shotgun?Copy !req
115. You don't give a toy without batteries.Copy !req
116. Come and get your Tootsie Rolls!Copy !req
117. Oh, I am so sorry your grandpa
ruined your birthday, son.Copy !req
118. He didn't ruin it. He made it fun.Copy !req
119. COTTON: Bobby, come on over here, boy!Copy !req
120. Take off them pink gloves.
That's woman's work.Copy !req
121. PEGGY: Leave him alone.
He's a good helper.Copy !req
122. Oh, whatever you say, Hillary.Copy !req
123. Cotton, I'll do the dishes. I like to.Copy !req
124. Permission granted!Copy !req
125. Put an apron over your new bosom, too.Copy !req
126. Don't tell her, but I got them cheap.
Both lefties!Copy !req
127. So, Bobby, what you gonna do
with your life?Copy !req
128. I'm gonna be a prop comic.Copy !req
129. I'm working on this bit
where I stick a green bean up my nose.Copy !req
130. Well, now that sounds promising.Copy !req
131. Hank, Bobby and me have decided
he's gonna stick vegetables up his nose.Copy !req
132. He's not gonna take over
the family gas station.Copy !req
133. Dad, I don't work at a gas station.Copy !req
134. I sell propane and propane accessories.Copy !req
135. Don't sass me, boy.Copy !req
136. You ain't too big
for me to give you a licking.Copy !req
137. Dad, you old skunk.Copy !req
138. Come on, grease monkey! Let's tangle!Copy !req
139. PEGGY: All right, Cotton.
You're breaking my good dishes.Copy !req
140. It's time for you to leave!Copy !req
141. ALL: Come on.Copy !req
142. PEGGY: Come on!
I will fix you a to-go plate.Copy !req
143. ALL: Bye.
PEGGY: Don't worry about the horse.Copy !req
144. If it comes back, we'll call the rental place.Copy !req
145. [Engine struggling]Copy !req
146. Damn, won't start.
I guess I'm not going anywhere.Copy !req
147. No. Just pop the hood.
Hank can fix it in a minute.Copy !req
148. Don't bother, Uncle Hank.
I can't hear the solenoid plunger.Copy !req
149. You're gonna need a new one.Copy !req
150. Thanks a lot, girlie.
But the truth is, you're a girl.Copy !req
151. We'll have to wait till your gas station
opens up in the morning.Copy !req
152. I'm staying over.Copy !req
153. I wish you could.
But we are all out of beds.Copy !req
154. I don't need a bed.Copy !req
155. I can sleep in a drawer,
after what they did to me overseas.Copy !req
156. I can sleep on the couch, Mom.Copy !req
157. - That'll be just fine. L...
- Excuse me for just a second.Copy !req
158. I do not want that ill-mannered...Copy !req
159. foul-mouthed old man to spend
another moment in my house.Copy !req
160. You just don't understand him.Copy !req
161. See, he's a big, flamboyant character,
like a peacock.Copy !req
162. That's why men love him.Copy !req
163. But women don't like his style,
because you all are like the peahen.Copy !req
164. More subdued and drab.Copy !req
165. You just cannot see your father
for who he is.Copy !req
166. Well, Bobby and I both want him to stay.Copy !req
167. That means you're outvoted.Copy !req
168. Oh, yeah? Well, Luanne hates him, too.
That means we're even.Copy !req
169. Well, Jesus loves him. So I win.Copy !req
170. What does that have to do with...Copy !req
171. Dad, we'd love it if you stayed.Copy !req
172. Well, all righty!Copy !req
173. Dee Dee, we're bunking here tonight.Copy !req
174. Mr. Kahn! My bags!Copy !req
175. COTTON: What do you say
I drive you to school today, Bobby?Copy !req
176. Hank, you fixed my car yet?Copy !req
177. I just woke up.Copy !req
178. Just... It's 7:00 a.m.Copy !req
179. If you were in the army,
you could've dug 10 graves by now!Copy !req
180. PEGGY: I hope you're all hungry.Copy !req
181. Good-Iooking breakfast, Peg.Copy !req
182. Yeah, I see bacon, I see ham.Copy !req
183. I see steak.Copy !req
184. Sausage! Where's my sausage?
There's no sausage!Copy !req
185. Well, Cotton!Copy !req
186. You are welcome to march yourself
down to the Safeway.Copy !req
187. But I have to get ready for work.Copy !req
188. See, Bobby?
Woman works, man loses his sausage.Copy !req
189. Cotton, I'd love to debate this with you...Copy !req
190. but I am just a little too busy living here...Copy !req
191. in the latter half of the 20th century.Copy !req
192. Dad, if you want to drive Bobby to school,
use my truck.Copy !req
193. I'll go rig up your pedal extenders.Copy !req
194. You're all skin and bones, girlie.Copy !req
195. Put some cornpone on them hips.Copy !req
196. I don't want any, Grandpa Hill.Copy !req
197. - Don't want to get fat.
- That's not for you to worry about.Copy !req
198. You will never know if you are attractive.Copy !req
199. It's up to a man to tell you that.Copy !req
200. You keep eating,
and I'll tell you when to stop.Copy !req
201. Touch me again, and you'll be wearing
that corn pone, old man.Copy !req
202. [Hollering]Copy !req
203. Feisty!Copy !req
204. You're sure it's okay for me
to be out of school today, Grandpa?Copy !req
205. Oh, yeah. It's a holiday, isn't it?Copy !req
206. It's Angie Dickinson's birthday.Copy !req
207. Now, why don't you order us some food?Copy !req
208. Really? Dad never lets me order.Copy !req
209. Well, you ain't with your daddy today.Copy !req
210. Go to it.Copy !req
211. [Clears throat]Copy !req
212. Excuse me, ma'am?Copy !req
213. Ma'am?Copy !req
214. Oh, good, sweet...Copy !req
215. You'll never get no service that way.Copy !req
216. You gotta get her in the moneymaker.Copy !req
217. Hey, Missy!Copy !req
218. How about some samiches?Copy !req
219. [Laughing]Copy !req
220. HANK: That's the dangdest thing.Copy !req
221. I never heard of a solenoid
just disappearing before.Copy !req
222. I don't know.Copy !req
223. Sometimes, things just disappear
for no logical reason.Copy !req
224. One day, my cousin woke up,
his kidney was gone.Copy !req
225. At the same time, 500 miles away...Copy !req
226. a woman in Phoenix contracted diabetes.Copy !req
227. I fixed it, Uncle Hank.Copy !req
228. [Engine starts]Copy !req
229. She purrs just like a dang old kitten.Copy !req
230. My dad sure knows how to take care
of his cars.Copy !req
231. When I was a baby, he had my mama
make me a chamois jumpsuit...Copy !req
232. and I used to crawl around on the hood
and buff it till it shined like Christmas.Copy !req
233. Your dad, I swear!Copy !req
234. How about when he took us down
to the Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
235. Remember that, Hank?Copy !req
236. [Piano playing]Copy !req
237. Hank, you won the big game.Copy !req
238. So I'm buying you
and your friends hookers.Copy !req
239. Now go on, boy.
Pick yourself out a live one.Copy !req
240. Hey there, Mr. Quarterback.Copy !req
241. [Shuddering]Copy !req
242. [Mild chuckle]Copy !req
243. Not every dad would do
something like that to his son.Copy !req
244. I mean, for his son.Copy !req
245. PEGGY: How's it coming with the car,
grease monkey?Copy !req
246. That's real funny, Peg.Copy !req
247. Look what I found.Copy !req
248. Wait! That's a solenoid.
Where'd you find that?Copy !req
249. In Cotton's room, wrapped in his little
bitty pants under a big pile of lies.Copy !req
250. Damn it!
I killed a whole day fixing that car.Copy !req
251. - I don't understand.
- What is to understand?Copy !req
252. Your father disfigured
his own automobile...Copy !req
253. just so he could stay here
and drive me crazy.Copy !req
254. Peggy, the poor guy just wants
to spend time with us.Copy !req
255. And you've made it so hard for him,
he's afraid to ask.Copy !req
256. You're right. It's my fault.Copy !req
257. Why didn't I serve that poor man
his sausage?Copy !req
258. What's the point in arguing?
The car is fixed now.Copy !req
259. He'll be out of here tonight.Copy !req
260. Aunt Peg, I found this timing belt
in the laundry.Copy !req
261. You want me to wash it with the darks?Copy !req
262. CHARLIE: Good morning, Angels.Copy !req
263. Do I have an assignment for you.Copy !req
264. ANGELS: Good morning, Charlie.Copy !req
265. Damn!Copy !req
266. It's a Shelley Hack!Copy !req
267. That's like getting a Shemp!Copy !req
268. What in the hell is going on here?Copy !req
269. Where are your pants?Copy !req
270. We were hot. Took them off.Copy !req
271. A man doesn't have to wear pants
around the house if he doesn't want to.Copy !req
272. What you got them
blue jeans on for, Hank?Copy !req
273. Let's go. Take them off.Copy !req
274. I don't want to take them off.Copy !req
275. Bobby, take your daddy's pants off.Copy !req
276. PEGGY: Okey-dokey, Cotton,
Hank fixed your car.Copy !req
277. I guess you'll be wanting to head back
right now.Copy !req
278. HANK: Peggy.Copy !req
279. Well, maybe we should think
about getting back, honey.Copy !req
280. What did you say? What did you say?Copy !req
281. Okay, now, what did you say, baby cakes?Copy !req
282. We can leave! Hank fixed the car!Copy !req
283. Actually, Luanne fixed it.Copy !req
284. [Laughing]Copy !req
285. Oh, that's a good one, Hank's wife.Copy !req
286. A woman fixing a car.Copy !req
287. That's like a pig trying to read.Copy !req
288. - Pig?
- Yeah.Copy !req
289. Well, I guess you can go home now, Dad.Copy !req
290. No, I don't think so.Copy !req
291. We're gonna stick around
a few more days.Copy !req
292. DEE DEE: Suppertime, Colonel.Copy !req
293. You forgot my beer.Copy !req
294. Go on. Get me my beer, woman.Copy !req
295. Mom, I'll take my dinner in here, too.Copy !req
296. Bobby, you will not.
We eat our dinner in the kitchen.Copy !req
297. Boy wants his dinner in here.Copy !req
298. Well, we eat in the kitchen.Copy !req
299. - Here!
- Kitchen!Copy !req
300. Hank, for God's sake,
I need a little support here.Copy !req
301. Well, Peggy...Copy !req
302. it might be nice, for a change,
to have dinner...Copy !req
303. in front of the TV.Copy !req
304. Go on, woman, get me my dinner.Copy !req
305. I don't know where you got the idea
you could slap your mother's behind.Copy !req
306. I'll tell you where he got the idea.
Your father.Copy !req
307. And it's your fault
for not nipping it in the bud.Copy !req
308. What do you want me to do?
I can't change my father.Copy !req
309. He certainly won't
listen to me, now, will he?Copy !req
310. You're both men.
You're both peacocks. Remember?Copy !req
311. What, are you turning into
some kind of feminist?Copy !req
312. I am not a feminist, Hank.Copy !req
313. I am Peggy Hill,
a citizen of the Republic of Texas.Copy !req
314. I work hard, I sweat hard, and I love hard.Copy !req
315. I gotta smell good and look pretty
while I'm doing it.Copy !req
316. So I comb my hair,
I reapply lipstick 30 times a day.Copy !req
317. I do your dishes, I wash your clothes,
and I clean the house.Copy !req
318. Not because I have to, Hank...Copy !req
319. but because of a mutual,
unspoken agreement...Copy !req
320. that I have never brought up,
because I am too much of a lady.Copy !req
321. Thirty times a day?Copy !req
322. Yeah, I like it here.Copy !req
323. What kind of work can a guy
get in this town?Copy !req
324. - Are you allergic to asbestos?
- Hell, no.Copy !req
325. HANK: Hey, Dad.Copy !req
326. Hey, it if ain't the old grease monkey.Copy !req
327. All right, Dad, I need to talk to you
about some of the things...Copy !req
328. you've been telling Bobby.Copy !req
329. I've been telling Bobby a lot of things.
For example...Copy !req
330. I told him how I lost my shins
defending our country.Copy !req
331. - You want to hear that story, fatty?
- Sir, yes, sir!Copy !req
332. HANK: Bill, I'm trying to talk to my...Copy !req
333. I was 14. Just a little older than Bobby.Copy !req
334. But I knew Uncle Sam needed me.
So I lied and signed up.Copy !req
335. [Patriotic instrumental music]Copy !req
336. And we had beat them Nazis in Italy.Copy !req
337. Then they shipped us
to the Pacific Theater.Copy !req
338. A Tojo torpedo sent our troop ship
to the bottom.Copy !req
339. I could only save three of my buddies.Copy !req
340. Fatty, Stinky, and Brooklyn.Copy !req
341. They were like you fellows,
only one of them was from Brooklyn.Copy !req
342. Out of the sun came a Tojo Zero
and put 50 bullets in my back.Copy !req
343. The blood attracted sharks.Copy !req
344. I had to give them Fatty.Copy !req
345. Then things took a turn for the worse.Copy !req
346. I made it to an island.Copy !req
347. But it was full of Tojos!Copy !req
348. They were spitting on the US flag.Copy !req
349. So I rushed them. But it was a trap.Copy !req
350. They opened fire and blew my shins off.Copy !req
351. Last thing I remember, I beat them
all to death with a big piece of Fatty.Copy !req
352. I woke up in a field hospital.Copy !req
353. And they were sewing my feet
to my knees.Copy !req
354. Now what was it you wanted to talk
to me about, Hank?Copy !req
355. [Sighs]Copy !req
356. Well...Copy !req
357. nothing, I guess.Copy !req
358. BOBBY: You've had enough cake, Kahny.Copy !req
359. What are you doing?Copy !req
360. A man's gotta tell a woman
when to stop eating.Copy !req
361. You're looking kind of chunky.Copy !req
362. She's moody. Must be PBS.Copy !req
363. Let's go, I gotta see a man about a horse.Copy !req
364. Bobby, don't forget to bus your tray.Copy !req
365. That's woman's work.
Ain't that right, fellas?Copy !req
366. Women's work!Copy !req
367. Women's work! Women's work!Copy !req
368. BOYS: Women's work! Women's work!Copy !req
369. [Children shouting]Copy !req
370. Well, she's got a point.Copy !req
371. But he's a war hero.Copy !req
372. She's my wife.Copy !req
373. But he's got no shins.Copy !req
374. MAN: Uh...Copy !req
375. I'm just trying to get a little propane here.Copy !req
376. [Phone ringing]Copy !req
377. Strickland Propane.Copy !req
378. Bobby was sent home from school
for starting a sexist riot today.Copy !req
379. What? I'm coming home right now.Copy !req
380. Well, you're just a little too late...Copy !req
381. because the devil took Bobby
off to the Hotel Arlen.Copy !req
382. Hotel Arlen?Copy !req
383. Bobby, I'm proud of you
for what you did at school today.Copy !req
384. So, I'm buying you a hooker.Copy !req
385. Go ahead, pick yourself out a live one.Copy !req
386. A live one what?Copy !req
387. Hey, cutie, you got papers?Copy !req
388. Bobby, get over here now!Copy !req
389. But Grandpa said I could...Copy !req
390. Bobby, you heard your mother.
Get over there.Copy !req
391. What are you saying, Hank?Copy !req
392. Are you siding with your woman?Copy !req
393. Look at me, son. Look at my shins!Copy !req
394. Look, Dad, I'm sorry about Fatty
and your shins...Copy !req
395. but I'm not a kid anymore.Copy !req
396. Bobby is my boy.Copy !req
397. And I won't let him grow up
to be a woman-hating old fool.Copy !req
398. No wonder Mom left you.
She was a strong lady.Copy !req
399. Classy and smart, like Peg.Copy !req
400. Maybe you couldn't handle that, but I can.Copy !req
401. My marriage is a partnership of equals.Copy !req
402. Peggy might do all the housework...Copy !req
403. but there are a lot of other things
that I'm supposed to do.Copy !req
404. But I'm not gonna say what they are,
because I'm a gentleman.Copy !req
405. Oh, I get it. She's making you say this.Copy !req
406. You're just her puppet.Copy !req
407. No, Dad, I'm saying all this
because I mean it.Copy !req
408. Dee Dee's out in the car. I had her pack up.Copy !req
409. It's time for you to head home.Copy !req
410. Well.Copy !req
411. I never thought I'd see the day
when my own son would stop loving me.Copy !req
412. It's about time!Copy !req
413. Love's for sissies!Copy !req
414. Ain't that right, you house full of hookers?Copy !req
415. WOMAN: Would you listen to that man?Copy !req
416. All right, hookers, listen up.
I'll be back next year...Copy !req
417. so don't be jacking up your prices.Copy !req
418. I'll be staying over at Hank Hill's home.Copy !req
419. Bobby, you gotta try and forget
all that gobbledygook...Copy !req
420. your grandpa told you.Copy !req
421. You listen to your mother.
She knows best.Copy !req
422. But she's a woman.
How could she know better than Grandpa?Copy !req
423. Well, because she's a lot smarter
than him, for one.Copy !req
424. Your mother's probably got a better head
on her shoulders than anybody in Arlen.Copy !req
425. Better than Bill? Or Dale?Copy !req
426. Or Boomhauer?Copy !req
427. Jeez, Bobby, why not compare her
to a baboon in the zoo?Copy !req
428. But I thought they were your best friends.Copy !req
429. Peggy's my best friend, son.Copy !req
430. - Mom?
- That's right.Copy !req
431. And when you're older,
I hope you're lucky enough to find a girl...Copy !req
432. to be best friends with, too.Copy !req
433. You think that'll really happen to me?Copy !req
434. It won't if you keep slapping them
in the butt and ordering them around.Copy !req
435. You'll do okay.
You just have to remember one thing.Copy !req
436. Women were not put on this earth
to serve you and me.Copy !req
437. Now what do you say
we get an ice cream?Copy !req
438. [1950s instrumental music]Copy !req
439. [Theme music]Copy !req